Original subtitles

Good evening, Mr. Cervantes.

Buenas tardes, señora.

In the first place, Mr. Cervantes, I am not a señora.

Señorita.

And in the second place, I would be much obliged

if you would speak English in this school.

So right.

And another thing, Mr. Cervantes,

there is no such word in the English language as so right.

The correct terminology is it is all right, or it's all right,

or even just all right. Do you understand?

So right.

I give up. Whatever is the matter?

I'm going to be sick.

Not here, I hope.

My stomach, she's downside up.

Well, for heaven's sake, why don't you go and see a doctor?

I am going tonight after lessons.

Hey, amigo, would you like a cigar? No, no, thank you.

You are not yourself tonight.

Of course he is himself. Who else could it be?

Toompoche. Sully means something is wrong.

She's right.

What is it, Juan?

I am going to be sick.

Holy ravioli.

You change your religion? Hey, the Pope's not going to like that.

I am welcoming you like a brother, but first you must be wearing the turban.

What's the matter? You're all crazy. I am sick in my stomach. Perdón, perdón.

I am going to see if I have fever.

In Japan?

Yes. We take temperature from different places.

Do not put thermometer in mouth.

I am not want to know where you be put thermometer.

I put under.

Good evening. Come on in your places, everybody. Thank you.

Something the matter, one?

What? He's a say he's not feeling very well. Oh, really? What's wrong?

Sorry, what did you say? He's a say stop asking the stupid questions.

He's got a thermometer in his mouth.

Have you got a temperature?

What? A moment.

What is it?

Don't be ridiculous. You're looking at the wrong end.

Ah, it's all right. What is it? 98.4.

I am dying!

That's normal.

Eh, maybe at the moment that's not working.

Yes, it is, and up to now, it's the only thing that's working in this classroom.

Now, sit down. Yes, sit down.

Now, you've all failed your Lower Cambridge certificate examination once,

and I don't want a repetition of that at the end of this term. So, tonight,

I'm going to ask each of you to pick one of the

ten subjects I have written on the blackboard,

and then I shall ask you questions on them.

Very straightforward. Music, British history, the royal family, poetry,

Shakespeare, etc. All right? Now, who is going to start the ball rolling?

We are not having a ball to be rolling anywhere.

All right, Ali, just for that, you can start. Now, which subject do you pick?

Oh, blimey.

Television. Television. Right. Who is known as the father of television?

Eamon Andrews.

Logie Baird.

Oh, blimey. I'm seeing him last night with his little friend, Boo Boo.

That's Yogi Bear. I'm talking about Logie Baird, the man who invented television.

Sorry, please.

How much is a television license?

I'm not knowing. I never buy one.

I hope you realise you can get into serious trouble for not having a licence.

Please tell me something.

The money for a licence is for BBC, yes?

Yes.

Then I'm jolly okay. I only watch ITV. It doesn't work that way, Ali.

You still need a licence.

Now, Anna, which subject would you like?

The royal family. The royal family. Right.

Who is the Prince of Wales? Harry Seacombe.

Prince Charles.

Yeah.

Which recent king of England was never crowned?

Edvard Truchoff-Vincer.

Good.

Max, pick a subject.

British politics. British politics, right.

What... Where does the term Gladstone bag come from?

Mrs Gladstone.

Gladstone bag is the name given to a bag made popular by one of our prime ministers,

William Hewitt Gladstone.

Sorry, boss.

I'll ask you another.

What function does the mace have in the House of Commons?

Uh, they have the mace.

Yes.

Uh, to eat the cheese.

That's mice.

Maybe I pick another subject. Maybe you just sit down.

OK.

Tanya, let's see which subject you prefer.

I prefer the subject of love.

Yes, I'm sure you do, but that is not written on the board,

so would you please pick one that is written down?

OK.

Shakespeare.

Shakespeare. Right.

Who was Shakespeare's wife?

Mrs Shakespeare.

Very clever, but what was her maiden name?

I do not know.

Anne Hathaway.

Can you name three of the plays Shakespeare wrote? Romeo and Juliet. Good.

As you like it.

One more.

I do not know any more.

I'll give you a clue. King?

Kong.

Leah.

Tarot?

Arsehole.

Which subject do you choose?

Poetry. Poetry. Right. Who wrote Upon Westminster Bridge?

Not know.

But a... Seems... Funny play to write.

It's a poem by Wordsworth, I'll ask you another. Who wrote To a Field Mouse?

Sounds like a man who is crazy in head.

It was written by Robert Burns over 200 years ago. Jim Miller, pick a subject.

The Bible.

The Bible, right.

Who was Samson?

Victor Mature.

I beg your pardon?

He was being telly last week in film. Well, never

mind the film. Who was he historically?

Ah.

He was man who was be very strong.

One night, he is be fancy a bit of hanky-panky with him and Delilah. So,

he is be hanky-pankying, and she is be ask him how he is be very strong.

And he is be tell her it is in his long hair.

So, one night when he is be fast asleep, she is be give him shorty back and sides.

And when he is wake, He is betake prisoner and blinded.

But when his hairs be grew long again, he is be pulled down palace.

Is that the authorized version?

It is what I am be see on telly. Thank you, Jamila.

Giovanni.

Si, professore. Would you pick a subject, please?

Music.

Right, music.

Give me something from the Pirates of Penzance.

I never heard of them.

Are they a punk or a rock group?

Pirates of Penzance is one of the Savoy operas

by Gilbert and Sullivan. Oh, I really like him.

Who?

Gilbert or Sullivan.

I'm talking about Gilbert and Sullivan.

Oh, okay.

Any more?

Yes. What can you tell me about Handel's Largo?

Not much.

I never drink the stuff.

Silence. Your lack of general knowledge is no laughing matter.

Ranjit, it's your turn. Pick a subject.

The British Islas.

What is the capital of England? E. I'll rephrase that.

What is the capital city of England? London. Correct.

Can you name three English counties?

Oh dear me, I am not knowing any English counties.

Not one?

No, the only county I am knowing is the county of Monte Cristo.

That's count.

Thousand apologies. Right, thank you. Suli, your subject, please.

Only tourist, British history.

Right.

Who was known as the Black Prince?

Muhammad Ari. Why, that's Edward, the son of Edward III.

Very solid.

Who invented the cotton spinning machine?

Chang Hoi Fang.

Wrong. Sir Richard Arkwright.

Your literature act like copy invention from Hoi Fung.

Just as all the Western imperialists steal invention from Chinese scientists.

China first to invent telephone, television, radio, refrigerators,

and discover penicillin, radium, and lots of other things.

Rubbish.

No.

China not invent rubbish.

Some of them just talk it. Juan.

Si, senor. I pick subject. Yeah, well, there's only one left. It's Hobson's Choice.

No, Hobson's Choice. British Customs.

Well, that's what I meant. Do you know anything about British customs?

Plenty, plenty.

Oh, good.

First, you have green or red.

Green or red what?

British customs.

You have something to declare, you go on the red.

Nothing to declare, green.

No one. See, I know. No, the question is not about those sort of customs.

It means the things that we British do that are peculiar to us.

Ah, speak English.

A little more than that one. Look, I'll give you an example. November the 5th,

Guy Fawkes Day, is something we celebrate only in Britain. Ah, any more?

There's afternoon tea, cricket, the boat race.

Good, good. Any more?

Bobber job week, Chelsea flip... Look, I'm supposed to be asking you the question.

So am I. Terrible pain in my stomach.

Oh, right.

Sully, would you nip down and... I'm sorry,

would you run along and ask Mrs Foster to come and have a look at one?

Yeah, well, lie on the table. Go on, baby.

Oh, blimey. He's not looking very well.

I'm dying.

Nonsense.

Don't be so pessimistic. Yeah, Professor is right. You're going to be okie-dokie.

Yes.

Where does it hurt? Stomach, stomach.

Better get him to the hospital. I think that

this man has appendicitis. Are you sure?

Mr Brown, I was a senior sister for several years.

If this man is not attended to very quickly, it could prove fatal.

Any sign of Mr Brown yet, Sidney? No, pardon? Mr Brown. Oh, Mr Brown.

Oh, no, he's not back yet. This is most inconvenient.

I don't know why he had to go to the hospital with Mr Cervantes. Well,

somebody had to go with him.

Come back.

Don't tell me they've taken your appendix out already.

Eh, no half operation. Not necessary.

Oh, so you didn't have appendicitis after all?

No. Pain was caused by abundante tortilla.

That sounds serious. What is it?

Eh, too much eating.

And where is Mr. Brown?

He no come back.

What do you mean, he no come back?

When we leave hospital, we come down the step, and Mr. Brown,

he miss just one step, and he break his leg.

How could he possibly break his leg if he only missed one step?

Step he miss, top step.

There you are, nurse. How's everything going? Very well, sister.

Good.

Did you remember to give Mr. Parker his blanket bath?

I gave them all a blanket bath.

All? Have I done something wrong?

Blanket baths are for those patients who cannot bath themselves.

They all seem to enjoy it, especially Mr. Brown.

It was lovely.

I'm sure it was.

I should think you set him back at least a couple of weeks.

I was only doing my best.

Well, in future, kindly remember that you are a student in us, not a geisha girl.

Sorry, sister.

Oh, by the way, Mr Jones is back from surgery.

We have three Mr Jones in this ward. What is his initial?

Jones W. Good.

I'll go and have a look at him.

Is there anything you fancy? Yeah, but I don't think sister would approve. Oh,

cheeky. Do you want a bottle?

Oh, I couldn't have a light ale, could I?

Oh, no, thanks. Not until I've had the light ale, anyway.

You're not getting it.

I know, but it's worth a try. Oh, do you know when I'll be discharged?

Probably tomorrow.

Oh, thank goodness for that. I can't wait to get back to my students.

I shudder to think what they're doing without me.

Come along now, settle down.

Now, I intend to find out how you're coming along with your English.

We are learning very much the well English.

That's right.

I speak the English so good, nobody knows that I'm Italian.

I find that very hard to believe. You see? Even you don't know.

Now, I am going to ask you some general questions on everyday topics.

First of all, can anyone tell me what the first day of the week is?

Sunny day. No, it is not sunny day. Rainy day?

Sunday.

Repeat it, please.

It, please.

Repeat the word Sunday.

Sunday. Mr. Nadim, name me two seasons.

Salt and pepper.

Those are seasonings. Now give me the names of two of the seasons of the year.

Oh, dearie me.

Anybody?

Springtime. Springtime.

Springtime.

Now, Mr. Nadine, what comes after springtime?

Holiday time.

Summertime.

Jelly good.

Mr. Cervantes.

Si, senora.

What do the letters AC mean?

Por favor.

What does AC mean?

Er, four.

AC has nothing to do with four. Sure.

AC means alternating current.

Ah, hello.

Wrong number.

Mr Papandreos.

Yes, Miss Courtney?

I don't suppose you can give me the name of any other sort of current?

Sure.

Black current.

I am talking about electricity.

A.C. is alternating current. D.C. is direct current.

Okay.

Mr. Nagasumi.

Ah, sir.

What would it signify if I said you were a dog in the manger?

Would seem you're crazy in head.

I beg your pardon?

I am manu, not doggo.

You are also rather stupid. Mischwet.

Ja.

You are on a train going to Glasgow.

Why am I going to Glasgow?

Doesn't matter why.

You want to sleep on the train. What would you ask for? A bed.

You would have a berth in the sleeping car.

Nein.

Beg your pardon? How can I have a berth when I'm not pregnant?

Are you serious? Yeah.

I save myself for when I meet Mr. Right.

For your information, Miss Schmidt, a berth, B-E-R-T-H,

is the name given to a bed on a ship or a train.

In short, you must think I'm very stupid.

That is the most sensible remark I have heard in this classroom so far.

Mademoiselle Five. Oui, Mademoiselle Courtney.

Where is St. Paul's?

St. Paul's what?

Paul's Cathedral?

I do not know. It's somewhere in London, I think.

It is near Ludgate Circus. Have you ever been to Ludgate Circus? No,

but I have been to Billy Smart Circus. You're absolutely hopeless.

Doesn't anybody know anything?

Yes, please.

I am knowing lots of things.

Are you?

Absolutely.

Do you know what a philistine is?

Most certainly. It is medicine that is fortifying the over-forties.

It is nothing of the sort.

Thousand apologies.

You are all Philly Steins.

Oh, no, I am Pakistan.

Go to tea.

Hey, Giovanni, you get me a cup of tea, and I go on phone, hospital,

to see how is Mr. Brown. OK, OK. All right.

Men's orthopedic ward, Sister King.

Hello.

Would you please tell me how is Mr. Brown?

Mr. Brown?

Could I have the Christian name, please?

Sure. Juan.

Juan.

Is he Spanish?

No, no, no, no, no. I am Spanish.

A ti.

Juan is Spanish for John, isn't it?

Si, señora.

Will you hold on a moment, please?

Brown John.

Are you a relative?

No, no, just a friend.

Well, I'm afraid I have some rather bad news for you.

You mean Mr. Brown is worst?

He had a heart attack during the night.

Oh, Santa Maria!

You mean Mr Brown is dead?

Good morning, Sidney.

Good morning, Miss Courtney.

It's very sad about Mr Brown, isn't it?

I thought you might have gone to the funeral this morning.

No.

I've got far too upset.

I know what you mean.

It's so tragic.

Taken so young.

It's terrible.

What is going on?

What are you doing?

You're dead.

Really? Nobody told me about it.

It's you, isn't it? Of course it's me.

What's his name, the Spanish fellow?

He phoned up the hospital and they said he was brown bread. Brown bread? Dead!

Well, I can assure you I am very much alive.

Then whose funeral have the students gone to?

Mr. Brown is trying to get through to Fax.

I heard it as well.

Fax!

Hey!

It's the boss!

Mr. Brown, you're living! Yes.

Praise be to Allah.

You're not dead. Uncle, you...

Master, who is the man in coffin? Well, I expect it's another Mr. Brown.

We must be making big celebration. Yeah, why we

not go to the pub? Light it off. Yeah, yeah.

I'll second that.

Hey, I'll push you. No, I'll push you, Professor.

I've pushed you. I've pushed you. I've pushed you. I've pushed you.

I've pushed you. I've pushed you. I've pushed you. I've pushed you.

I've pushed you. I've pushed you.

Buenas tardes.

Go away.

You don't mean that.

You want a bet?

We bring you some flowers.

Oh, Juan, you shouldn't have spent money on flowers for me.

I not spend money. We already bought them for your funeral. Yes, yes.

I'm sorry you've been so fast.