All language subtitles for The Big C s03e05 Face Off.eng

Some pregnant women
crave pickles.

I just am guzzling water.

It's like I'm creating
a sponge baby.

Cathy just got incredibly
gassy her third trimester.

Remember that, honey?

Human Hindenburg,
but I loved being pregnant.

Unlike most things
that involve discomfort,

you actually--you end up
with something you want.

I'm sorry.
That was insensitive.

It's fine, really.

We're--we're fine about
giving up the baby.

Some women always know
that they want to have kids,

and I always knew
that I didn't.

Yeah, same, and if anything,

the pregnancy
really confirmed that for us.

Yeah. Also taught us
not to use cheap condoms.

You can put that in your blog.

- [Chuckles]
- You know, I think I might.

I've got to tell you, Paul,

we think your blog
is really cool.

I mean, it's just, like,
you on a computer screen,

like, the way you put
your whole life out there.

- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.

You know,
I-I don't know.

I guess I just write
with what's left of my heart.

[Laughter]

Well, it makes you all
really familiar.

I mean, the fact
that you have cancer and...

Yeah...
Why are you okay with that?

My mom had cancer
when I was a kid,

and I just hated
how people wrote her off.

She's still here.

Well, she's not here,

she's in Arizona--
or on the phone,

gently suggesting
how we should live our lives.

Um, but...

Well, we should
tell you something.

Okay.

We've been in town
for a few days...

Meeting with another couple
we're just considering

as adoptive parents.

That's...Makes sense.

- I get that.
- Yeah.

That you'd...be talking
to someone else.

Yeah, yeah, he's an engineer,
she's in P.R.

They're kind of young.
Like...what?

Early 30s.

Yeah.
But they have no kids,

and we like the fact
that you have a kid.

I mean, you've had practice.

Oh, boy, have we had practice.

- Here's our practice kid.
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh.
- Wow.

- [Laughs]
- He looks like a total jock.

Oh, absolutely,
he's very athletic.

- Oh, man, soccer, soccer.
- Soccer was fall, Paul.

- And hockey, hockey.
- And now it's--

- Now it's hockey.
- Now it's hockey.

We'd like to meet him

before we go back home,
if you guys aren't too busy.

No, no, no, tomorrow night?

- Yeah.
- 6:00?

They're talking
to a younger couple?

What kind of a bomb
is that to drop?

How are we supposed
to compete with "younger"?

Well, we're gonna kill 'em

in the brains and talent
competition, first of all.

- Seriously, Paul.
- Seriously?

We're going to play
the parent card.

Adam is our ace
in the hole, honey.

That is how
we're going to vanquish

this younger, childless couple.

- Screw 'em.
- You know, you're right.

If we can just
get him involved in all this,

then Dave and Maxine,
they will meet him.

They will see
what great parents we are.

Nine days out of ten.

But I'm gonna need your help
deep-cleaning the house.

It would be nice if it smelled
a little less like socks.

Honey, I am all about helping,
but I have to rehearse.

I'm opening for Joy
tomorrow night, remember?

My first official gig.

My name's on the website
and everything.

Traffic on the blog is going
through the frickin' roof.

That chick is a rainmaker,
I'm telling you.

That is great, Paul,

but this adoption
just turned into a contest,

and we are in it to win it.

[Distant screeching]

[Knock at door]

Maybe one day
you'll actually wait

till I say "Come in"
before you come in.

[Continued sound effects]

Sounds like fun.
What is it?

It's like a car race
plus killing zombies.

Ah, well, after
you're finished killing zombies,

how'd you like
to kill some dust in here?

Just swiffer some surfaces,

and make sure you're cleaned up
and home by 6:00.

The couple who's giving us
their baby,

they're coming for a visit.

Why?

To meet you.
[Laughing nervously]

Since you're the only example
of our parenting skills.

They'll love you,

and also feel free
to invite Mia.

- They'll love her too.
- Yeah, uh...

- We broke up.
- You did? Wh...

why don't I know this?
I should know this.

I-is there anything you want
to ask me about the adoption?

You know, before you meet
Dave and Maxine--

Mom, if you really cared
what I thought, you would have

talked to me before
you started this whole thing.

Okay, I like this one a lot,
but I want you to be honest.

How about...
"Reach for the light?"

No?

Okay, this is a little corny,

but sometimes, we need a little
cheese to bring them in.

"Heaven sent me."

Look, I'm not looking
for a standing o, Ababuo,

but I can't even tell if
you're fucking breathing or not.

Are you breathing?

Hey.

I'm not going
to blow smoke up your a-hole

and tell you
that these lines are great.

As your new personal assistant-
slash-style maker,

it's my job to help you find

the ideal catchphrase
for your brand.

We just haven't found it yet.

Ababuo, we just haven't found
my "Where's the beef?" yet,

but we will.

I don't know what beef
you're talking about,

but if you don't walk out
on stage looking good,

no one's going to listen
to you anyway.

Stand up straight.

Now suck in...

From your chest
to the top of your belt.

Do it.

[Hoarsely] I am.

Oh, shit, dude.

Look, it's all
this blogging, okay?

It's very sedentary activity.

I might have
put on a few pounds.

I'm not feeling that great about
my silhouette right now,

so can we just, you know,
stick to the task at hand?

Oh, hey, Mrs. J.

I'm sorry about those baby
parents going all ageist on you.

It's not fair to compare you
to some younger mama.

I mean, everybody knows that
blonde ladies don't age well.

Good to know.

Paul, how done is
that to-do list I gave you?

Inside list is done,
and I swear to God,

the outside list will
be finished before we leave,

but honey, how's this grab you?

"Paul Power."

Meh.

Fuck me with a stick.

- Are the index cards on stage?
- Check.

The water--
the water's out there?

Check.
[Door opening]

T minus 15, full house.
You ready, Paul?

- Hi, Joy.
- Oh, he's ready.

And you are?

I don't think
I've ever introduced you

to my wonderful assistant,
Ababuo.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi--uh?

[Laughs]

I like your style.
I also read your books.

Keep doing what you're doing

and you could
be the white Oprah.

Or as I say,
"Oprah who?"

Ha!
[Chuckles]

So...any nerves?

Eh, a little excess adrenaline.

Remember that nervousness
is excitement turned inward.

You have to use that.

And breathe deeply.
Keep breathing,

because it relaxes the body.
Deepak taught me that.

- [Exhaling heavily]
- All right, then...

- On stage in ten.
- Oh, fuck.

Oh, and Ababuo, why don't you
grab one of my lipsticks

before you leave?
It'll really make your eyes pop!

[Sighs]

You see? I mean, that's what
people want to see on stage.

- Personality, charisma...
- Expensive extensions.

Yeah, but what if
I don't have that?

Look, Mr. J,
I got you a secret weapon.

Is that for the baby?
That's so nice.

No, it's for you.

It's a compression t-shirt.
It's like man spanx--

guaranteed to make you
look thinner

and put the lean back
in your mean.

What the fuck is next,
a sports bra?

Yes, Kevin, you have been bad.

You've been, um...

You've been very bad,
you've--ooh, you have been bad.

Bad boy, yeah.
You like that, Kevin?

Wrong answer!
[Laughs]

Uh, here's your orders, Kevin.
I want you to come.

Yes, now.

Come, Kevin, come!

Whoa.

[Mouthing words]

Oh, yeah, awesome.

Have a hot day.
[Bluetooth beeps]

What in the name of Rosacea
have you done to your face?

I know, I know.

I went to get a facial.

They talked me
into a glycolic peel.

They said it would make me
look five years younger

with no side effects,

but it feels
kind of hot, though.

Ooh, God, I could roast
marshmallows off it.

The Coopers are talking
to another couple...

- In their 30s.
- Oh, yeah.

Society's cruel infatuation
with youth.

You can't fight it,
my aging sister.

But there is a baby at stake

who I know will thrive in
this house and help me thrive

if Dave and Maxine
will just pick us.

So what's next,
a facelift? Eye job?

You gonna address your neck
wattle for good measure?

Okay, I don't care if this kid
grows up calling me grandma

once it's here, but tonight
is all about winning,

which is going to be tricky
with my face looking like this

and the kid I already have
barely talking to me.

Did you know
that Adam broke up with Mia?

Totally.
He tells me everything.

- Really?
- Mm.

I need to talk to him,

and he needs
to get ready for tonight.

He's hosting his church group
Chez my place.

It is crawling
with holy rollers,

which is why
I have temporarily moved

my base of operations
over here.

Wait, he's hosting
these things now?

Yup, and there's some
hot chicks in that group too.

Turns out God is good.

Yes, Jessie got it right.

Nailed it.

Forget the old perspective,
you know?

Seriously, from now on,
half-empty becomes half-full.

And it's like
your whole world changes.

It stops sucking,
and you have the energy

to actually learn
from God's challenges,

instead of feeling--

- Hosed?
- Yeah.

God does not want you
to feel hosed, Adam.

[Door opening]

Whoa.

[Door slamming shut] Sorry.

I didn't realize there was
a "partay" going on in here.

I'm Adam's mom
from across the street.

I just came to get Adam
and bring him home,

where he's supposed to be, so...
Hi, everyone.

[Various greetings]
Hey, Ms. Jamison.

I'm Jessie...

Adam's girlfriend.

Nice to meet you,
Adam's new girlfriend.

I'm glad you're here,
Ms. Jamison.

Yeah.
[Laughs]

What are you doing
and what happened to your face?

It's fine.

It's just...my attempt
to look good for the Coopers.

Remember them?

They're going to be
at our house in an hour

to meet you, so you need
to come with me.

Hey, I'm pastor Rick.

Grab a chair, take a load off.

I really don't have the time.
Maybe another time.

Well, you'd be welcome.
We do this every week.

Just check in with each other,
kick back,

enjoy fellowship and some food.

A little small talk,
a little scripture.

You know, I don't know
very much about scripture.

Is there anything
along the lines of...

"The son will
do what the mom asks,

so as not to
stress her out even more"?

God, mom, seriously?

Yeah, yeah, I mean...
I hear you, Mrs. Jamison,

but sometimes a kid
just needs a little room--

I'm pretty sure
I know what my son needs.

And right now,
he needs to come home.

We have a lot
on our collective plate.

Well, you've got to remember,

God never gives us more
than we can handle.

Uh-huh.

You agree with that?

Adam?

Adam.

Adam!

[Applause]

Hello, Minneapolis.

[Applause]

I'm Paul Jamison,
and you are...

a whole lot of people.

Ha ha!

Who are here to be inspired,

maybe even by me.

Well...

I'm just a guy who happened
to kick the bucket

and bounce back,

thanks to something
that I call...Paul Power.

And...

The day that I died,

I learned that
the important thing,

it wasn't to go
toward the light,

but to wake up
and reach for the light.

[Man coughing]

Reach for it.

I feel like I don't know
who you are.

You haven't exactly
kept me in the loop

about your church,
your new girlfriend?

- This is bullshit.
- Excuse me?

Mom, the only reason
you care now is so

you'll seem like some super-mom
for those people tonight.

You want to trot me out
like a circus act,

- and I'm not going to do it.
- I want you to be involved.

No, you don't.
You just want us to seem

like some lame, happy family

for Dave and what's-her-name
so they'll give you their kid.

Just focus on yourself
and stop judging my friends.

- I'm not judging anyone.
- I saw you, mom.

And what makes it really lousy
is that they're the only people

who make me feel like it's okay
to be myself these days.

They're nice to me,

and not because
they need something.

Maybe you just have
something against God.

I don't.

I don't.
I just...

I want you to be smart
about what you believe in.

It's one of the things
I love about you.

You're smart.

Yeah.
Yeah, I am smart.

Smart enough to know that
you shouldn't be adopting a baby

when you have cancer.

But I had to learn

that no doctor could write
a prescription for my life...

Or for anything,
for that matter--

Fuck it.

It's so fucking hot up here.

It's hotter than fucking Guam.

You'd have to be embalmed

not to sweat
under these fucking lights.

[Laughter]
Maybe it's my compression shirt.

Okay, full disclosure:
I'm wearing a compression shirt.

Isn't it sexy?
[Laughter]

You know, and it feels
like a fucking anaconda.

Oh, God.

Or maybe it's...
Oh, shit.

Maybe it's a little
good, old-fashioned arrhythmia.

Oh, boy, you guys are getting

the whole show today,
aren't you?

Well, anybody who reads my blog
knows what happens next.

Ababuo?
Ababuo?

Oh, my God.

My lovely assistant, Ababuo,
will now determine

whether my heart needs to be
jolted back to normalcy.

[Electronic beeping]

- It does.
- Shit.

Okay, don't panic, everybody.

This is going to feel
even worse than it looks.

All right.
[Breathing hard]

One, two, three, go.

[Electronic beeping, thump]

[Audience crying out]
Oh, cut the lights.

Cut the lights.

[Audience talking indistinctly]

I'm okay.

Turn on the lights.
Flip the switch.

I'm okay, I'm okay.

Flip the switch, it's okay.

Oh, God.
Oh, boy.

Oh, sorry that
you had to see that.

[Groans]

That was...weird
and scary,

and not a little
embarrassing for me,

so I apologize for that.

But...

Well, it's also--
it's--

I guess it's living proof that,

when your life gets dark,
you can...

you can flip a switch and--
and--and things can get better.

And that's a really
powerful metaphor.

I mean, we all love to blame
all these outside forces

in our life for the things
that make us miserable.

But the truth is that,

the secret to making
things better on the outside

is just to flip that switch
that's on the inside.

And we've all got that switch.

There's not one person
in this room that

doesn't have the power to
make a positive choice, right?

To imagine a better life.

All we need to do
is flip that switch

and decide we want to let go
of all that crap

that's been holding us back.

You know, matter of fact,
Mr. House-Light Man,

can you turn on all the lights?

Can you turn on the house lights
so that I can see everybody?

Okay, just go with me on this.

You know what
we're going to do?

We're gonna flip that switch.

You wake up in the morning
dreading the day?

Flip that switch.

You can't afford your mortgage,
your car payment,

your wife's adult braces,
so what do you do?

Flip that switch!
[Laughter]

That's right, buddy.
Flip that switch.

Decide you're gonna love
those sexy, crooked teeth.

[Laughter]

Sad about the past?

All: Flip that switch!

Scared about the future?

Flip that goddamn switch.
All: Flip that switch!

[Cheers and applause]

Are you ready
to love your life?

All: Flip that switch!

[Clapping and chanting]
Flip that switch!

[Clicks tongue]
It's getting worse.

Yeah, second degree burns
tend to creep up on you.

This green stuff's supposed
to make it look less red.

I just--I don't want
the Coopers to know.

Well, they won't--
if they're blind.

When are they supposed
to be here?

[Nervous laugh] 15 minutes.

Oh, I hate to heap
more tragedy on you,

but this just in:
You got a repulsive blister,

- right here, 3:00.
- Oh, my God.

Better slap a band-aid
on that sucker stat.

[Phone rings]

Yeah, you're on with Willy.

Yeah, buddy,
your dirty wish is my command.

Uh-huh.

[Doorbell rings]

[Panicked yelp]

Oh, welcome!

You're early.
That's great!

- Come on in.
- Fast bus, not bad manners.

[Laughs]

Is your face okay there?

Oh.
Yes, it's, uh...

A little reaction to a lotion.

And a cat scratch
from the...neighbor...

- Let me take your coat.
- Oh, sure, thanks.

- Thank you.
- Just make yourselves at home.

- Paul is on his way.
- That's okay.

Oh.

I'm trying to pick a new color.

I had an easier time
picking a college.

[Laughs]

Yeah, I like being in you too.

Yeah, here comes
the donkey punch!

Oh, yeah!
Ohh!

Oh, that's just--
just my brother.

That made it sound
even worse, didn't it?

After a few months,
we'd move the baby

from our bedroom into here,
which will look

a lot less fashion school
and more nursery school.

- Promise.
- It's perfect.

Yeah, your whole house,
it's in great shape.

I mean, the kitchen tile,
the wainscoting,

even the grout--
you can see the craftsmanship.

Talking contractor speak again.

He means you have
a very pretty house.

Yeah, newer construction just
doesn't hold up like this.

Let's hear it for old.
[Laughter]

- Well, there's more to see.
- Good.

We're just sorry to miss Adam.

Oh, yeah, who knew that study
groups have emergency meetings?

It must be test season
or something.

Adam, you're back.
Great.

Wow, the hockey player.
Hey, I'm Dave.

I'm Adam.
Nice to meet you guys.

Maxine.
You have your dad's eyes.

Well, I hope not.
He still needs them.

[Laughs nervously]

Well, look, we--
we know you're busy,

- so we won't bother you.
- Oh, no.

No, I have all the time
in the world,

you know, if you guys--
you guys wanna talk.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that'd be great.

Awesome.
Do you mind, mom?

No.

Great.
Step in my room.

- Cool.
- Thank you.

[Door closing]

- [Sighs]
- It's crazy.

I used to celebrate
with a double Martini.

Now it's all about the kale.

[Glass clicking]
Huh.

You know what
they say about kale.

- Mm-mm.
- "Kale: It's the new spinach."

- [Muffled chuckle]
- [Laughs]

You know what happened
out there, don't you, Paul?

I almost drowned
in my own sweat.

Sure, you stumbled, but, uh...

I believe that a great recovery

is the sign
of a great performer,

and that was by far the best
recovery I have ever seen.

- You were amazing out there.
- Oh.

Shapewear mishaps aside,

I did sort of start to find

my own voice a little bit,
you know?

And the catchphrase
of the year.

That is a gift.

I mean, I think
you should really think

about seeing your potential
in a much, much bigger way.

What would you say...

to being my regular number two?

I think I need you
to clarify that a little bit.

I want us to be a team.

I bring in the women
and you bring in their husbands.

Oh.

I mean, that is a demographic

I have never been able
to submit.

Do you know, about eight guys
came up to me afterwards

to check out my fob.

Us men, we can't get enough
of the gadgets, you know?

Well, I'm about to go
on tour--Wisconsin, Illinois.

You could join me
as the "flip that switch" guy.

Now, you don't have
to answer right now.

- Just think about it.
- Yes!

- Oh!
- Yes!

- Great.
- Oh, my God, yes.

Oh, God, I am starving.

Why don't we go get a bite and
we'll talk about the tour dates?

Oh, God.
There's nothing I'd rather do,

but I'm already late.

I promised Cathy
that I'd meet this couple

whose baby we're thinking
about adopting.

Oh.
Wow.

- Exciting, right?
- Yeah.

Cathy actually got the idea
at your workshop.

A baby! Wow, that's really
gonna complicate things.

Oh, no, well,
she's feeling great, you know?

And her scans are fantastic.

No, no, I'm talking
about the fact

that your career's
about to take off.

I mean, if I were you, I would
just--I'd think about it,

make sure that it's something
that, you know, you really want.

Oh.
Oh, oh, no.

Yeah, but--look,
maybe the timing isn't perfect,

but I really want it.
I mean, I do.

I re--I really want it.

I-I do really want it.

I'm insane if I think I can
save this evening with pie.

Mm-hmm.
[Door opening]

Whoa.
What's wrong with your face?

It's past 6:00.
You're late.

Seriously, what's wrong
with your face?

Honey, I am so sorry
we are late,

but I am happy to report that,

after nearly being murdered
by a girdle on stage...

Both: I flipped that switch!

Honey, got all
these other gigs from Joy,

which means some serious bank.

It is all good, let me tell you.
It's very, very good.

Except for your face.

I had a minor treatment, okay?

And, no, it is not
all good, Paul.

Dave and Maxine
have been upstairs

talking to Adam
for the last half hour.

That's perfect, he's
our excellent parenting resume.

- Not according to him.
- Hey, Paul.

Buddy, I am so sorry
that we are late.

I had this speech thing that
turned into this meeting thing.

- Hi, Maxine.
- Manners, Mr. J.

I'm so sorry.

Maxine, Dave, this is
my executive assistant, Ababuo.

Ababuo is living with us
like family.

You know, not our family,

but just--oh,
that didn't come out right.

No.

My parents are working
in Africa,

and I'm staying here
until they get back.

Tea? Pie?

How'd your talk with Adam go?

Um, we know how nerve-racking
this whole process has been,

and we don't want
to drag it out.

Yeah, especially since,
you know,

we've been meeting
with another couple.

Which is totally fine.

We were just hoping
Adam would have

a few things to say
about growing up here.

And he was very honest with us.

Yeah, I mean,
he's an amazing young man...

And he is gonna be a terrific
big brother to this baby.

[Laughter]

Am I allowed to eat
like I'm about to have a baby,

or do I actually
have to be pregnant?

You eat whatever you want,
as long as I can too.

This is really happening,
isn't it?

I think we learned something
very important today.

Despite our advancing age,

my gut, and your face,

we are still
a very attractive couple.

[Laughs]

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey, bud.

Or should I say, hey, soon-to-be
wonderful big brother?

You want to join us
for a big slice of pie

or a little sip of wine?
We're celebrating.

Uh, no, no, I'm good.
I just called Uncle Sean.

I'm going to be staying
over there for a few days.

- Why?
- Just to chill.

Adam...
I'm sorry...

About our fight today.
If you're still mad--

No, mom, I'm fine.

I did what you wanted me to do,
talked to those people.

I told them you're a great mom.

I lied.

Good news is, we get
to have another one of those.

Way to flip that switch, Cath.

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