All language subtitles for The Big C s03e04 Family Matters.eng

- Oh! Oh, God!
- Yes!

[Groans, wheezes]

Paul?

Paul?

Paul?

- Paul! Paul!
- Oh, God!

No, I'm--
I'm okay, honey.

It's not my fault.

- I thought you were dying.
- Ohh.

Do you think it's crazy

that we're talking
about adopting a baby?

No.

What I think is crazy, is what a turn off is

to talk about babies after sex,

even though ironically
that's how you get babies.

Hmm.

I must admit,

as annoying as that
Joy Kleinman retreat was,

it really did lead us
to a good place.

Tell me about it.

Ever since
she thumbs-upped my site,

my God, I've had so many readers
come to the blog.

I mean, people from
all over the world.

This lady from China
posted on the site today.

Can you believe that?

- Oh, that's great.
- I know

it's as if what I'm saying,
I mean, it really matters.

You know, honey?

[Snoring]

You know what I mean, honey?

[Snoring]

Yeah, I'll make all
your dreams come true, buddy.

You just give me
your credit card number

while I pull my big ole
nine-incher

out of my tight true religions.

Okay, 0-1-9-2-6-8...

Fuck you!

Oh, is this Willy Wanker again?

Seriously, dude,
you need to get a life.

I had a life, butt whistle,
and you stole it.

And if you don't give me
my phone number back,

I swear to God I will foist
those stupid pink lady slippers

up your dirty derriere.

Oh, yeah?
I'd love to see--

[faint footsteps]

[Gasps]

It's called
reverse phone lookup, jackass.

Boom!

Jesus Christ.

Huh.

I pictured you less dapper.

And I pictured you
better looking.

Guess we were both wrong.

Well, well, well, we, well,

this is a real shit-hole.

Look, I've been patient,

but this is getting silly,
Willy.

You gotta stop harassing me.

You know as well as I do
I came by this business

fair and square.

Fair?

You call it fair that just
because I was a millisecond late

paying my phone bill

you were able
to inherit my hotline

and steal my identity?

No one can do me but me.

Then how come in the month
since I've been you,

my weekly phone calls
have gone up from 15 to 80?

- That many?
- Yeah.

You only received
these calls because of me.

I invented Willy Wanker.
You owe me.

Oh, do I?

Did Steve Jobs
invent the iMac? No.

Did Mark Zuckerberg come up
with the concept for Facebook?

No.

But did they both
have the business savvy

to make those ideas
1,000 times better,

and therefore reap the rewards
of said creations?

Yes!

Face it, buddy,

I'm the Steve Blowjobs

and the Mark Fuckerberg

of the gay phone sex industry.

You're just pissed off

'cause I'm a better
Willy Wanker

than you will ever be.

Oh, please.

Name the steps
of a lemon baller.

Twist, lick, finger, suck.

Also known as the Tequila

and very nice after
a round of ass-cubing.

Asscubi, what's that?

Trade secret.

Damn you!

Fine, you won't give me
back my identity,

I'll steal yours.

Whoa, well,
seeing as how I don't have

a driver's license
or a credit card

and most of that mail
belongs to a dead woman,

I'd say your shit out of luck.

Hey, but look
on the bright side.

Sunset casual
is having their annual sale.

I refuse to leave
these premises

unless I get
my phone line back.

Then have fun sleeping outside.

I will destroy you.

Mmm.

Carbs.

Mmm.

I missed the stupid bus.
Can you drive me to school?

No, I'm going in late.

Your father and I
have an appointment.

You can walk with me,

but you have to help me carry

my African drum circle stuff
for afro club.

What kind of an appointment?

A doctor's appointment?

Well, no.

Actually, it's an appointment
with a lawyer.

I knew it.

You guys are getting a divorce.

No, it's nothing bad.

We have a meeting
with an adoption lawyer.

No way.
You're adopting a baby?

We're just finding out
what our options are.

We were gonna wait
to tell everyone

once we have more information.

Seriously?

Can't we go a single month

where something crazy
isn't happening?

We know it's been a bit
of a roller coaster

the past few months.

That's kinda the idea though.

Your mom and I,
we both got so close to death,

it made us want
to celebrate life.

And wouldn't it be cool

to have a little brother
or a little sister?

You should adopt from Ghana.

I think we're just looking
into domestic adoptions now.

Because you probably want
a perfect little white baby,

just like everybody else.

You know what?
Color-blind, my ass.

Andrea.

My name is Ababuo.

Come on, whitey, let's go.

[Whistles]

Oh.

Oh.

You will never guess
who just texted me back.

Joy Kleinman.

Back?
You wrote her?

Yeah, to thank her
for being a fan.

Listen to this.

"Why don't you thank me
in person?

"Click on link
for two free tickets

to my talk tomorrow night
in Minneapolis."

How cool is that?

We're free tomorrow night,
right?

Yeah.
Ohh.

Look how sweet.

Can you imagine us
with one of these?

Mr. and Mrs. Jamison?

Hi, I'm so sorry
to keep you waiting.

Fred Bobick.

Please, sit down, sit down.

So I understand that you folks

want to learn more
about adoption?

Yes.

We just wanted to get an idea

of what was involved.

Well, you have come
to the right place.

I've recently
had some heart issues,

which have been dealt with
and I'm fine,

but I just wanted to make sure
that that wouldn't--

We'd be okay with that.

Yeah, he has an I.C.D.
device in his chest.

It's kind of a pacemaker.

Well, you know,
I really don't see that

as being much
of an issue at all,

as long as
you're in good health.

And actually,
that's something we wanted

to get your input on.

I do technically have melanoma,

but my doctor says
I'm doing great.

My tumors are virtually
undetectable.

I'm gonna just stop you
right there.

Um, you know,
it's difficult enough

to convince
and expectant mother

to hand over her newborn
to a couple

of your advanced age,

especially if one of you
is undergoing cancer treatment.

Advanced age?

Fred, within this chest
beats the heart

of a horny teenager.

Look, well,
maybe we could--

we could help with some
of your less desirable kids

from your
angels in waiting program.

One with special needs, or...

A moustache?

You know, the challenged kids
need even more help, so...

What about adopting abroad?

Yeah, it's not gonna happen.

Look, why don't
you just come back and see us

when you're cancer-free?

One minute, everyone.

Hey there, sis.

Is there something
you wanna tell me?

Sean, what are you doing?

Or maybe you were
just gonna wait

and spring this whole
adoption thing on me

just like you did
with your fucking cancer.

Okay, why don't
we take this discussion

out in the hall?

Oh, what, I'm sorry,
is this private information?

I just assumed
your whole class knew

since everyone seems
to know everything before me.

Just keep working, everyone.

Are you trying
to get us both fired?

My dead fetus is barely
fucking cold, Cath.

I know it was hard
for you to lose the baby,

and I am sorry that happened.

I-I really am.

But this,
this is not about you.

This is about me.
I want a baby, Sean!

Of course you do.

You need something to fill
the fucking cancer hole, right?

No, I have a right
to chase some happiness

after everything
I went through.

I can't believe I have
to deal with this shit

on top of a fucking stalker.

What?

Are you off your meds?

You were right,

there really are
some nice things in here.

How the fuck
did you get in my house?

Wouldn't you like to know.

You know what, no!

I don't really care.

I got nothing better
to do today.

You gonna go all
"Occupy Anus Street" on my ass,

I'm up for the challenge.

Fine by me.

[Phone rings]

Call from Richard Hughes.

[Phone rings]

Richard.

I've missed your sweet touch.

Shall we commence
with some passionate ass play?

Commence?

No wonder you couldn't
pay your phone bill.

About-face, sergeant Dick.

You better pull those
camouflage briefs down, boy.

It's time for some
corporal punishment

of the digital kind!

Oh, yeah, you know what I like.

Yeah, I do.

Now tickle my balls

and lick them
ever so delicately.

Uh, oh, okay.

You're supposed
to be getting him off.

I bet you'd rather have
my finger up your ass.

And my Buddha-shaped dildo.

- And my fist!
- And my riding crop.

All at once?

That's too many things
up my ass.

Too many!
Too many things up my ass!

[Hangs up]
Ugh!

You annoying prick.

Hey!
[All cheering]

Mmm.

It is--it is so nice
to be back.

Just, I hate working
those international flights.

The passengers, they get bored.

They get needy.

Well, that'll all change

once you get your pilot's
license, right?

The experience is
so different in the cockpit.

It's nice being the one in control.

You have kids, Kirby?

Nope.

But I do have
eight brothers and sisters.

Really?

I can't imagine growing up
with that many people.

Yeah, it was fucking nuts.

Someone was always
mad at somebody.

You never knew whose
underwear you had on.

What about you, kids?

Yeah.

I have two.

Our oldest Adam is in college.

He's a pre-med major.

And then our younger one, Ella,

we had her much later.

She's kinda like the dessert
to our main course.

She really likes ballet.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Hey, next round's on me!
[Everyone cheers]

All right!
All right all right!

[Knock at door]

Yeah?

I'm sorry,
Dr. Sherman just called.

He's still in surgery

and won't be able
to make it after all.

Oh, shoot, I really
want to talk to him.

There's no way
for me to see him

before he goes on vacation?

I could take a message.

Maybe he'll get back
to you by the end of the day?

Uh, okay.

I just--tell him
I wanted to ask him

if he could possibly
write a note for me.

Mm-hmm.

I just need something that
says I'm in good health.

And if he could maybe
leave out the part

about my still having cancer,
that would be great.

You know, why don't
you just have him call me.

I'll do that.

Honey, if we wanna
be on time for Joy's thing,

we're gonna have to leave
in about an hour

to beat the downtown traffic.

Whatcha doing?

I'm copying
Dr. Sherman's signature.

Which one's best?

Where did you get these?

I stole them.

I found out the only way to get
the adoption ball rolling

is to have a doctor's note
that says I'm healthy,

so I'm writing one.

- Are you insane?
- No.

Honey, it's illegal.

You can't forge
a doctor's note.

I thought we agreed we were
gonna take a little time

and do some more research.

I did.

Without that note,
it will take years

to prove that I'm healthy
enough to care for a baby.

Well, then...

We're just gonna have to wait.

Aren't we?

So let's see,
my parents just told me

they wanna adopt a baby,

which is, like, totally insane.

Well, clearly you've never
seen a Jackass movie then,

'cause I'd say stapling
your nutsack is insane.

Wanting to give a kid
a better life, not so bad.

Yeah, I know, it's just, like,

things were finally
going okay for half a second.

And who needs more things
to change, right?

Look, I know.
It sucks.

But we're not steering
the ship.

So basically you're saying
weave no control.

No, what I'm saying
is having faith

means you don't need control.

Gos watching out for you.

How 'bout we--

we close things up with prayer?

Lord, watch over us

and keep us and those
douchebags on Jackass...

[Laughter]

...safe from harm.

Amen.

All: Amen.

Have a great week, everybody.

Come with me.

What what the fuck?

I might as well not even
have a lock on the door.

I know you're probably
not speaking to me,

but I just wanted to say

I'm glad I have a brother.

And I'm glad it is you.

And you got your wish.

Looks like the baby thing
isn't happening, so...

I just did a numero uno
all over the bathroom floor,

and a deuce is on the you.

Who the hell is that?

My stupid stalker.

Wait, you mean
that was for real?

What, you thought
I made him up?

Like I have
an imaginary stalker?

Jesus, even I'm not that crazy.

Hmm.

[Cell phone chimes]

I have to go.

We're gonna go hear
Joy Kleinman speak tonight.

Oops, just dropped your
toothbrush in the toilet.

[Sighs]

Hey, where is
this speaking thing?

Downtown. Why?

That's far enough.

I'm coming with you.

Alone in your home?

If I lock him out,

he will just find
a way to get in.

And P.S., I'm still
not talking to you.

Corn?

When the hell did I eat corn?

I don't know what you're doing,

but it's starting
to freak me out.

Don't worry.

God, help me help Adam.

Let him know your love
and protection the way I do.

Let him give over
his life to your loving hands.

Okay.

- Run!
- What?

Holy shit!

Praise Jesus!
[Horns honking]

[Overlapping shouts]

Oh, shit.

I can't believe we--
Jesse, we could have died!

Yeah.
But we didn't.

Because God protected us.

Just like he protects
all of his children.

[Both laugh]

What?
What's so funny?

If we're all God's children,
that makes you my sister.

Welcome to the family.

And we are the biggest
obstacle to our joy.

Ladies, I'm speaking
primarily to you,

because we are
the greatest culprits.

Let me let you in
on a little secret.

We are worthy.

Oh, you didn't hear me
way in the back?

Let me say it
a little bit louder.

We are worthy.

What did I say?

All: We are worthy.

Thank you.
Very good.

Now, as a little reward,
you can go into those goody bags

that you got when you came in.

And I want you
to take out the lipstick.

That's right, now put it on.

Yep.

It's bright.

Because you are going
to stand out to the world.

Because from this moment on,

you are going to fucking kiss Joy
on the mouth.

That's right.

That's right.
You deserve it.

All you.
You, yes, you do.

That's right.

Oh, dear, now I feel really
a little bad

for the guys out there
with no lipstick,

but I'm not gonna
let you off the hook

because you can't just
sit in your chair

and let life grab you
by the balls, no.

[Laughter]

We only get one chance to live.

Well, at least most of us.

Actually, I know someone
who got a second chance.

Paul?

Paul?

Paul Jamison.

How 'bout coming up here

and sharing your story with us?

Paul got a second chance.

Wouldn't you all like to hear

about Paul's story?

[Applause]

Come on up, Paul.

That's right.

That's right, bring him up.

Paul.

Here you go.

Come on up.

Uh...

I, um, clearly
wasn't prepared for this

because I would
have dressed better.

[Scattered laughter]

So where do--
where do I begin?

Um, I guess with my heart attack.

I had one recently

and am told that I was dead
for three minutes.

Which is weird,
because it felt longer.

But when I woke up,

there was this light.

And I know it just sounds like

the most cliche bullshit thing
that you ever heard of,

but imagine every wonderful thing

you can think of enveloping you.

Happiness, sex, pastrami.

[Scattered laughter]

And it just--
I didn't want to come back.

It just felt so right.

But I did come back.

I came back
to my bills and my problems.

You know, my--
my bullshit.

Like the faucet
on my bathroom sink.

The hot water faucet
on my bathroom sink,

it keeps breaking,
and it's really annoying.

You know,
so last week I decided

I was gonna spend
the afternoon fixing it.

And I couldn't get it to work.

And I got so angry.

I started yelling at it,

"What the fuck
is wrong with you?"

And that's when I caught
sight of myself in the mirror,

and I said,
"What's wrong with me?

"Why do I have any right

"getting stressed out
about anything

when I know that
that light is waiting for me?"

And here's the thing,

it's not just when you die.

It's here.

I think it's here.
I think it's all around us.

And it's just waiting for us
to tap into it.

I might have had to die
to wake up,

but you don't have to.

You...

You don't have to.

[Applause]

[Cheers and applause]

Yeah, Paulie!

No, no, no, no.

I'm so glad I stalked you here.

She is amazing.

It was like Joy
was speaking right to me.

I do deserve more.

I want to find my happiness.

You can have
the Wanker business.

I can?

Running a sex line
was never a good fit for me.

I always felt such shame.

I could never tell my mother

what I really did for a living.

But you,

you seem to have no shame.

Why thank you.

I need to pursue my real dream,

toe a singer-songwriter
entertainer.

I never thought I was worthy.

But now I know I am.

Good-bye, Willy.

Paul?

We just wanted to tell you
how much we loved your story.

So inspiring.

Thank you very much.

That so nice of you to say that.

One of my girlfriends
was asking if you were single,

and I said,
"Um, a catch like that,

I doubt it."

You didn't say that.

- I did.
- Ha!

Are you?

Oh.

But please tell your friend

that she made my day.

[Both chuckle]

- Bye.
- Bye.

I had a hunch you'd be a natural.

You had hunch about me?

Yeah, that's why I invited you.

It was an audition.

And you passed
with flying colors.

Yeah, so I was thinking
that maybe,

if you're interested,

you'd wanna come back
and try it again and--

Only of course the next time
you'd get paid for that gold.

Are you kidding me?

Yes, the answer is yes
I would like to do it again.

Good.

All right, well,
then I'll have my assistant

call your assistant.

Joy, there's some people
that want to say hi to you.

I don't have an assistant.

[Mellow pop music]

Wait, I'm saving myself.

Oh, it's all good.
You know, we can stop.

No, no, no, I just mean
we can't use the front door.

But...

You can go in the other way.

Oh, I was wondering
where you ran off to.

Joy.

Nice to see you.

Thank you for the tickets.

Oh, sure.

You're not wearing my lipstick.

Oh, yeah.

Just, um, feeling kind of blah.

Not your fault.

Maybe I can help.

Not much you'd...

rather ***.

What?

Oh, I--

I want to adopt a baby,

but apparently nobody wants
to give a kid

to the cancer lady.

No, they hear the word "cancer"

and people think
you're the Boogeyman.

Hmm.

Can't say I blame them.

I know this sounds stupid,

but I just--

I just thought
if maybe I got a baby

it would somehow
magically guarantee

I'd be around
to take care of it.

Oh, it's not stupid.

But if you want something,

if you really want something,

you don't ask for it.

You demand it.

Shout it out
to the fucking universe

because you deserve it.

There, now you're
wearing my lipstick.

Bathroom's all yours.

Excellent.

I'm gonna take the longest,
hottest shower ever.

The minute I got off stage,

my sweat had
a total pit parade.

You did good tonight.

I did, didn't I?

You wouldn't believe
how many new readers

I have on the blog.

It's like it got infected
by the Joy virus.

You know, I'm really out there.

Cathy, did you go
on my blog last night

and post about
how we wanted a baby?

I did.

I thought if we put it
out to the universe, who knows?

Well, this guy just wrote me.

And his wife's pregnant.

And they're looking
for a good family.

Do they wanna meet us?

Do they--

Oh, they want--
they want to meet us!

They--ha ha!

Ah.
Ha ha!

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