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1
00:01:20,500 --> 00:01:22,456
Oh, Lord...
2
00:01:24,820 --> 00:01:27,129
...if I ever meant anything to you...
3
00:01:27,340 --> 00:01:31,856
...please let me fall asleepbefore she thinks of sex.
4
00:01:35,060 --> 00:01:37,335
Al...
5
00:01:39,380 --> 00:01:41,848
You are a woman, aren't you?
6
00:01:44,140 --> 00:01:47,018
Peg, we just did it last month.
7
00:01:47,500 --> 00:01:49,456
A man can't just roll over
and do it again.
8
00:01:49,660 --> 00:01:52,220
We have to rest in between.
9
00:01:52,540 --> 00:01:56,374
Al, you can't wear
that cool V-neck T-shirt...
10
00:01:56,580 --> 00:02:03,133
...and those stained pajama bottoms
and expect me not to want you.
11
00:02:04,740 --> 00:02:08,096
They do show off the merchandise,
don't they.
12
00:02:10,020 --> 00:02:12,250
Let's prepare ourselves.
13
00:02:29,860 --> 00:02:32,215
Oh, Al, you're...
14
00:02:32,420 --> 00:02:34,058
...done.
15
00:02:38,980 --> 00:02:41,255
Thanks again, honey.
16
00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:50,609
How you feeling, Peg?
17
00:02:50,820 --> 00:02:54,290
I'm surprised you could make it
down those stairs this morning.
18
00:02:55,420 --> 00:02:58,412
I know. I was pretty tired.
19
00:02:58,620 --> 00:03:02,499
I hope that buzzing
didn't keep you awake last night.
20
00:03:07,260 --> 00:03:10,013
Yeah, those damn bees.
21
00:03:10,620 --> 00:03:14,613
You know, one must have stung you,
too, because I heard you scream.
22
00:03:17,180 --> 00:03:19,216
You wanna do it again tonight?
23
00:03:19,420 --> 00:03:21,456
Oh, Peg, I think if we do it again
too soon...
24
00:03:21,660 --> 00:03:24,413
...it'll cheapen the experience.
25
00:03:24,620 --> 00:03:26,929
Bask in the afterglow, baby.
26
00:03:28,740 --> 00:03:32,176
Now, Peg, you're not glowing.
You don't have that...
27
00:03:32,380 --> 00:03:36,134
...I've-been-satisfied-by-Al-Bundy look
on your face.
28
00:03:36,340 --> 00:03:38,217
Maybe you should go
to your girlie doctor.
29
00:03:38,420 --> 00:03:41,457
They say you should get checked out
every 50 years or so.
30
00:03:41,940 --> 00:03:46,218
You know, put you up on the old rack,
check your belts and hoses.
31
00:03:48,740 --> 00:03:51,812
Honey, there is nothing wrong
with my belts and hoses.
32
00:03:52,020 --> 00:03:54,773
I just need to be taken out
and driven once in a while.
33
00:03:58,900 --> 00:04:00,891
Well, that can't be a shot at me.
34
00:04:01,100 --> 00:04:04,615
I'm Al "The Mailman" Bundy.
I deliver.
35
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:11,893
Yes, Al, but mailmen are slow.
And they deliver every day.
36
00:04:12,900 --> 00:04:16,688
Yeah, but they don't always
have to go to the same house.
37
00:04:21,980 --> 00:04:24,494
But seriously, Peg,
I mean, you weren't satisfied?
38
00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:28,371
Well, let's put it this way:
I used to call you "the minuteman."
39
00:04:28,580 --> 00:04:31,538
Now I long for those days.
40
00:04:32,060 --> 00:04:33,937
But, you know,
Marcie was very comforting.
41
00:04:34,140 --> 00:04:38,019
She said with you,
the sooner it's over, the better.
42
00:04:38,900 --> 00:04:40,492
You told her?
43
00:04:41,700 --> 00:04:43,179
Al, you...
44
00:04:43,380 --> 00:04:45,769
You wanna throw around
the football?
45
00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:48,456
There, are we done?
46
00:04:54,380 --> 00:04:56,530
I think she might have told him.
47
00:04:56,780 --> 00:04:59,089
Al, really, you shouldn't feel badly.
48
00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:01,768
The reason you're so inept
in the bedroom...
49
00:05:01,980 --> 00:05:04,096
...is because you've put
all of your energy...
50
00:05:04,300 --> 00:05:07,417
...into your magnificent shoe career.
51
00:05:08,060 --> 00:05:10,654
It's time someone spoke for Al.
52
00:05:14,300 --> 00:05:16,291
Guess I was wrong.
53
00:05:17,660 --> 00:05:20,333
Oh, Al's down.
54
00:05:20,540 --> 00:05:22,974
I guess my work is done.
55
00:05:23,620 --> 00:05:25,576
Well, let's leave
these two lovebirds alone.
56
00:05:25,780 --> 00:05:28,897
They may wanna have sex
for a second.
57
00:05:31,980 --> 00:05:34,289
Whoops, they're done.
58
00:05:39,300 --> 00:05:41,131
Oh, relax, Al.
59
00:05:41,340 --> 00:05:44,218
I'm sure she didn't tell anyone else.
60
00:05:46,620 --> 00:05:48,576
Hey, Bundy, do me a favor.
61
00:05:48,780 --> 00:05:51,010
Have sex with your wife 50 times.
62
00:05:51,220 --> 00:05:53,654
We're cooking an egg.
63
00:05:56,500 --> 00:06:01,494
Darly, why don't you use the time it
takes your son to get out of his dress?
64
00:06:08,700 --> 00:06:10,338
Hiya, boy. How you doing?
65
00:06:10,540 --> 00:06:14,579
Well, let's just say you won't hearmy bitch complaining to her friends.
66
00:06:16,420 --> 00:06:18,138
Good boy.
67
00:06:25,220 --> 00:06:27,734
Daddy, do you remember
my boyfriend T-Bone?
68
00:06:27,980 --> 00:06:30,699
No, but he sounds delicious.
69
00:06:31,500 --> 00:06:33,456
Oh, I'll tell him you said so.
70
00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:37,733
We were all down at the Harley shop,
and he got into a discussion...
71
00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:41,569
...about whether there should be a limit
to presidential campaign contributions.
72
00:06:41,780 --> 00:06:44,248
Which, of course,
led to a knife fight.
73
00:06:45,100 --> 00:06:47,568
And you should be proud to know
that when kids fight...
74
00:06:47,780 --> 00:06:50,817
...they say, "I'm gonna waste you
quicker than Al Bundy."
75
00:06:53,700 --> 00:06:55,099
What really bothered me...
76
00:06:55,300 --> 00:06:57,655
...was that I didn't know
about this politics stuff.
77
00:06:57,860 --> 00:06:59,691
Daddy, they called me stupid.
78
00:06:59,940 --> 00:07:01,896
Am I stupid, Daddy?
79
00:07:03,180 --> 00:07:04,818
Pumpkin...
80
00:07:05,700 --> 00:07:07,770
Now, you see that tree out there?
81
00:07:08,260 --> 00:07:13,254
Now, that tree grows and breathes,
just like you.
82
00:07:14,460 --> 00:07:18,419
So, pumpkin, you're just as smart
as that tree.
83
00:07:19,580 --> 00:07:22,652
Oh, you have to say that
because you're my father.
84
00:07:23,420 --> 00:07:26,332
Hey, anybody on the street
would say that.
85
00:07:34,540 --> 00:07:35,768
But now, pumpkin...
86
00:07:35,980 --> 00:07:39,370
...if you want to impress
that psychopath that you're dating...
87
00:07:39,580 --> 00:07:41,536
...here's what you should do:
88
00:07:41,740 --> 00:07:43,935
Learn one thing really well.
89
00:07:44,140 --> 00:07:46,017
Just pick some topic
that comes up often...
90
00:07:46,220 --> 00:07:48,211
...among your friends
in conversation.
91
00:07:48,460 --> 00:07:50,018
So politics or condoms?
92
00:07:53,940 --> 00:07:56,295
Politics would be good.
93
00:07:56,620 --> 00:07:58,895
You can start by learning
about all the presidents.
94
00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,777
There's more than one?
95
00:08:03,100 --> 00:08:04,931
Indeed.
96
00:08:05,380 --> 00:08:07,177
So learn all about the presidents...
97
00:08:07,380 --> 00:08:10,690
...and you'll fool your friends into
thinking you know other things too.
98
00:08:10,900 --> 00:08:13,016
And you'll never have to impress
anybody again.
99
00:08:13,500 --> 00:08:15,730
Thanks. I'm gonna go learn
about the presidents...
100
00:08:15,940 --> 00:08:18,090
...quicker than Al Bundy.
101
00:08:23,980 --> 00:08:25,857
Hi, honey.
102
00:08:29,020 --> 00:08:30,373
You're gonna be so proud.
103
00:08:30,580 --> 00:08:33,094
At the supermarket I heard
that they have changed...
104
00:08:33,300 --> 00:08:35,336
...the 10-item-or-less express line...
105
00:08:35,540 --> 00:08:37,849
...to the Al Bundy line.
106
00:08:41,580 --> 00:08:43,935
Oh, honey, you look down.
107
00:08:44,140 --> 00:08:46,973
Well, I got you a little present.
108
00:08:47,500 --> 00:08:50,014
Aurora white...
109
00:08:50,300 --> 00:08:53,212
...and a nice burrito.
110
00:08:53,420 --> 00:08:56,890
Come on, Al, break them both open.
111
00:08:58,740 --> 00:09:00,173
No.
112
00:09:00,380 --> 00:09:01,893
My self-esteem, my sexuality...
113
00:09:02,100 --> 00:09:05,331
...my whole manhood
has been taken from me.
114
00:09:06,860 --> 00:09:09,897
I never want to go
to the bathroom again.
115
00:09:10,700 --> 00:09:15,728
Well, maybe we can finally get
that curl out of the wallpaper.
116
00:09:17,340 --> 00:09:19,774
And the birds will come back again.
117
00:09:22,340 --> 00:09:25,252
Oh, honey,
this is really bothering you.
118
00:09:25,460 --> 00:09:27,655
Well, I'm gonna fix it right now.
119
00:09:27,860 --> 00:09:29,612
Okay.
120
00:09:34,980 --> 00:09:36,379
Hello, Marcie.
121
00:09:36,580 --> 00:09:40,653
Al and I just had a major sex-o-rama.
122
00:09:41,180 --> 00:09:42,499
Yeah, Al Bundy.
123
00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:46,730
He was magnificent.
124
00:09:46,940 --> 00:09:49,932
Yes, Al Bundy.
125
00:09:50,140 --> 00:09:53,212
Well, Marcie, I... I don't have
the strength to speak any longer.
126
00:09:53,420 --> 00:09:55,092
But let's not tell anyone about this.
127
00:09:55,300 --> 00:09:57,097
Except the girls
at the beauty parlor...
128
00:09:57,300 --> 00:10:00,656
...because, you know,
we know we can trust them.
129
00:10:02,580 --> 00:10:05,014
Al's got that look in his eye again.
130
00:10:05,580 --> 00:10:06,979
Oh, no, Al.
131
00:10:07,220 --> 00:10:11,452
Please have mercy. I... I...
132
00:10:20,300 --> 00:10:24,009
Well, now you're a legend, baby.
133
00:10:24,220 --> 00:10:26,973
- Feel better?
- No.
134
00:10:27,660 --> 00:10:29,776
We know it's not true.
135
00:10:30,020 --> 00:10:32,659
Come on, honey, have a burrito.
136
00:10:32,860 --> 00:10:34,339
No.
137
00:10:34,820 --> 00:10:39,336
Oh, come on, Al. It's off a truck.
138
00:10:44,620 --> 00:10:47,657
- Well, maybe just one bite.
- Yeah.
139
00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:54,017
Maybe just one roll.
140
00:11:00,700 --> 00:11:02,656
Still hurting, though.
141
00:11:05,060 --> 00:11:07,972
Wanna share some of that with me?
142
00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:30,093
All right, honey. Now we are gonna
learn all about the presidents.
143
00:11:30,340 --> 00:11:35,130
As a visual aid, we are gonna use
xeroxed copies of Daddy's money...
144
00:11:36,220 --> 00:11:38,575
I have the originals.
145
00:11:38,780 --> 00:11:42,090
- with pictures of our greatest
dead presidents on them.
146
00:11:42,300 --> 00:11:46,054
Now, this is George Washington,
the father of our country.
147
00:11:47,060 --> 00:11:49,528
I thought that was James Brown.
148
00:11:51,220 --> 00:11:53,734
No, he's the Godfather of Soul.
149
00:11:53,980 --> 00:11:56,938
I thought that was Don Corleone.
150
00:11:57,420 --> 00:12:00,093
I think we've had enough
for one day.
151
00:12:01,380 --> 00:12:03,336
Well, I still thirst for knowledge.
152
00:12:03,540 --> 00:12:07,055
I'll go to the place that got me through
high school, the principal's house.
153
00:12:10,340 --> 00:12:14,618
His door always was opened
for troubled girls.
154
00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:19,288
Hey, Daddy, ask me
who's on the one-dollar bill.
155
00:12:19,500 --> 00:12:21,092
Who's on the one-dollar bill?
156
00:12:21,340 --> 00:12:22,978
George Jefferson.
157
00:12:30,300 --> 00:12:33,736
So it was George Washington
that was married to Weezy?
158
00:12:34,500 --> 00:12:36,570
Al, I was
at the beauty parlor today...
159
00:12:36,780 --> 00:12:39,578
...and your name
is on everyone's lips.
160
00:12:39,780 --> 00:12:42,738
Well, that and bonbon crumbs.
161
00:12:43,020 --> 00:12:44,851
Everyone thinks you're a stud.
162
00:12:45,780 --> 00:12:47,930
- But you don't.
- Sure, I do.
163
00:12:48,140 --> 00:12:49,539
You do?
164
00:12:49,780 --> 00:12:53,090
Okay, your relentless interrogation
has broken me.
165
00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:55,052
I don't.
166
00:12:56,100 --> 00:12:58,250
But either way, it doesn't matter.
167
00:12:58,460 --> 00:13:01,770
Because you're mine and I love you.
168
00:13:04,020 --> 00:13:06,329
Honey, I'm gonna go upstairs now
and take a shower.
169
00:13:06,540 --> 00:13:09,930
My new nozzle, Jeffrey, just came in.
170
00:13:23,660 --> 00:13:25,776
What happened to me?
171
00:13:25,980 --> 00:13:27,857
I used to be good.
172
00:13:28,060 --> 00:13:30,130
Everyone said I was good.
173
00:13:30,340 --> 00:13:32,535
And girls don't lie.
174
00:13:33,540 --> 00:13:35,656
Only women lie.
175
00:13:36,260 --> 00:13:38,251
Maybe I should ask
some of my ex-girlfriends.
176
00:13:38,460 --> 00:13:41,099
How desperate would I have to be
to have my ego boosted...
177
00:13:41,300 --> 00:13:44,610
...by girls I slept with
and never called again?
178
00:13:44,860 --> 00:13:47,852
Come on, Lois. So it's been 20 years
since I promised to call you.
179
00:13:48,060 --> 00:13:50,176
I'm calling you now.
180
00:13:50,980 --> 00:13:54,495
Now listen, this is a toll call
so let me get right to the point.
181
00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:57,931
Remember that night in the back seat
of my old Dodge?
182
00:13:58,140 --> 00:13:59,971
How was I?
183
00:14:00,380 --> 00:14:02,689
I knew it.
184
00:14:05,180 --> 00:14:08,411
"What kind of car am I driving now?"
I gotta go. Bye.
185
00:14:10,820 --> 00:14:14,256
Yeah, can I speak to Marilyn Fisher?
186
00:14:14,460 --> 00:14:17,133
Oh, she's Mrs. O'Brien now.
187
00:14:17,700 --> 00:14:20,089
You're the husband. I see.
188
00:14:20,300 --> 00:14:22,052
Well, could you do me a favor?
189
00:14:22,260 --> 00:14:26,378
Yeah. My name's Al Bundy.
Could you ask her if she meant it...
190
00:14:26,580 --> 00:14:29,811
...when she said she'd had them all,
but I was the best?
191
00:14:32,980 --> 00:14:35,494
Oh, she's breast-feeding.
Hey, that...
192
00:14:35,700 --> 00:14:38,260
That brings back memories.
193
00:14:41,900 --> 00:14:43,253
So I was great.
194
00:14:43,460 --> 00:14:45,371
The best!
195
00:14:46,860 --> 00:14:50,489
Oh, come on, now.
You're making me blush.
196
00:14:51,460 --> 00:14:54,611
Well, thank you,
Sister Mary Ignatius.
197
00:15:04,140 --> 00:15:05,971
I knew I was good.
198
00:15:06,180 --> 00:15:08,648
And if I was good once
I can be good again.
199
00:15:08,860 --> 00:15:12,489
I'll just get back in shape
and show Peg I still got it.
200
00:15:15,540 --> 00:15:17,690
Al, I'm gonna take a nap.
201
00:15:17,940 --> 00:15:20,329
Yeah, rest up, baby.
202
00:15:21,140 --> 00:15:24,450
And this time I may even kiss you.
203
00:15:28,060 --> 00:15:30,415
Well, son, this is where
it all happens.
204
00:15:30,620 --> 00:15:32,417
The Bundy gymnasium.
205
00:15:32,620 --> 00:15:35,612
And until recently,
the place I came to cry.
206
00:15:36,020 --> 00:15:38,375
But not today. Today we train.
207
00:15:39,740 --> 00:15:41,810
Do a little bench press.
208
00:15:42,180 --> 00:15:44,011
Do about 30 reps.
209
00:15:44,220 --> 00:15:46,051
Count for me, son.
210
00:15:59,820 --> 00:16:01,572
One.
211
00:16:04,500 --> 00:16:06,252
Take the weight, son.
212
00:16:06,580 --> 00:16:09,048
- What?
- Take the weight.
213
00:16:09,300 --> 00:16:11,495
- Got it?
- Yeah.
214
00:16:14,380 --> 00:16:15,938
Mommy!
215
00:16:16,180 --> 00:16:18,410
- Get it off me! Get it off me!
- Okay.
216
00:16:18,620 --> 00:16:21,851
I'm gonna... I'm gonna roll it, Dad.
I'm gonna roll it.
217
00:16:22,340 --> 00:16:24,535
Not that way!
218
00:16:25,580 --> 00:16:27,138
Other way.
219
00:16:27,340 --> 00:16:28,978
Mommy!
220
00:16:43,220 --> 00:16:45,097
How many was that?
221
00:16:46,740 --> 00:16:48,298
One, Dad.
222
00:16:48,500 --> 00:16:49,774
All right. Well...
223
00:16:49,980 --> 00:16:53,017
...that's enough weightlifting.
Don't wanna get too bulked up.
224
00:16:53,420 --> 00:16:55,376
Supple strength is what I need.
225
00:16:55,580 --> 00:16:57,332
- We'll go hit the heavy bag.
- All right.
226
00:16:57,540 --> 00:17:00,418
- I used to box in the Golden Gloves.
- Really, Dad?
227
00:17:00,660 --> 00:17:02,457
Son, don't you think
if I actually had...
228
00:17:02,660 --> 00:17:05,697
...I'd have told you about it
100,000 times by now?
229
00:17:07,900 --> 00:17:09,413
All right.
230
00:17:25,700 --> 00:17:27,418
You gonna be okay, Dad?
231
00:17:27,620 --> 00:17:29,497
Maybe.
232
00:17:30,180 --> 00:17:31,408
Well, I hope so, because...
233
00:17:31,620 --> 00:17:34,180
...it's a long way to get
a neighbor to give mouth-to-mouth.
234
00:17:34,740 --> 00:17:36,173
You know, son...
235
00:17:36,380 --> 00:17:38,371
...this has taught me
a valuable lesson.
236
00:17:38,580 --> 00:17:40,013
I'm plenty strong enough...
237
00:17:40,220 --> 00:17:42,051
...but it's endurance that I need.
238
00:17:42,260 --> 00:17:43,693
Come, boy!
239
00:17:43,900 --> 00:17:45,333
I'm going to run.
240
00:17:45,540 --> 00:17:49,579
I need motivation. Show me the picture
of Grandma in her string bikini, please.
241
00:17:57,180 --> 00:17:58,932
Come on, Dad. Come on.
242
00:17:59,140 --> 00:18:01,415
Just two more steps.
243
00:18:05,220 --> 00:18:06,972
Thanks for helping,
Mr. and Mrs. D'Arcy.
244
00:18:07,180 --> 00:18:10,377
We wouldn't have helped,
but he passed out on our lawn.
245
00:18:10,580 --> 00:18:15,290
And I would have left him for compost,
but the flies started gathering.
246
00:18:25,300 --> 00:18:28,849
It's our little squirrel friend, Zippy.
247
00:18:29,300 --> 00:18:32,770
Well, it doesn't look like Zippy.
248
00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:37,173
Well, you have to imagine him...
249
00:18:37,380 --> 00:18:40,497
...with blood, bones,
and internal organs.
250
00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:42,770
Squirrel killer.
251
00:18:42,980 --> 00:18:45,050
Get him, Zippy.
252
00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:49,179
Okay, come on. Marcie.
253
00:18:49,380 --> 00:18:52,656
Marcie, come on.
Come on, let's go, honey.
254
00:18:52,860 --> 00:18:56,409
I'll give Zippy a nice burial.
255
00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:09,814
Cheer up, Dad.
So you killed a squirrel.
256
00:19:10,020 --> 00:19:13,296
If it wasn't you it would have been
some cook at a Chinese restaurant.
257
00:19:14,860 --> 00:19:17,249
Oh, Daddy, I'm glad you're alone.
258
00:19:18,380 --> 00:19:20,018
Listen, I have great news.
259
00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:22,694
You found your underwear
in the park?
260
00:19:25,500 --> 00:19:29,334
No, but if I'm ever looking for it
I know you're wearing it.
261
00:19:32,780 --> 00:19:35,010
Anyway, Daddy,
your advice worked out.
262
00:19:35,220 --> 00:19:38,610
We were at the biker bar and everyone
started talking about what happens...
263
00:19:38,820 --> 00:19:42,176
...when no presidential candidate
has a clear majority of electoral votes.
264
00:19:42,380 --> 00:19:45,531
And I said that the last time
this happened was in 1824.
265
00:19:45,740 --> 00:19:48,698
The House decided the election
and John Quincy Adams won.
266
00:19:48,900 --> 00:19:52,575
Daddy, I wowed them.
Now everybody thinks I'm a genie.
267
00:19:55,140 --> 00:19:57,893
Oh, thank you, Daddy. Now I know
I can overcome any obstacle.
268
00:19:58,100 --> 00:19:59,738
I love you.
269
00:20:05,940 --> 00:20:07,817
Where you going, Dad?
270
00:20:08,780 --> 00:20:10,099
To the basement.
271
00:20:10,660 --> 00:20:12,298
You gonna cry, Dad?
272
00:20:13,260 --> 00:20:15,171
Yeah, I am.
273
00:20:15,820 --> 00:20:17,970
But then I'm going to train.
274
00:20:18,180 --> 00:20:21,695
Because if my little girl
can train herself to hold a thought...
275
00:20:23,260 --> 00:20:26,297
...I can train myself to hold my wife.
276
00:21:32,060 --> 00:21:34,813
Let's see what you got, punk.
277
00:21:45,500 --> 00:21:48,856
Oh, Al!
278
00:21:49,540 --> 00:21:52,498
Oh, Al!
279
00:21:54,580 --> 00:21:57,811
Oh, Al!
280
00:22:14,580 --> 00:22:18,414
And to all a good night.
20922
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