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1
00:00:01,115 --> 00:00:03,467
I've never had casual sex
with a sober person before!
2
00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:05,480
- I'm pregnant.
- Did you just say "pregnant"?
3
00:00:05,520 --> 00:00:06,839
We're getting married.
4
00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:08,905
I wouldn't have ordered
this if it were on the menu
5
00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:10,359
but there was no menu.
6
00:00:10,360 --> 00:00:11,999
You gullible American prick!
7
00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:14,119
You fucking in-bred shrew!
8
00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:16,279
GLASS SMASHES
9
00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:18,126
- I'm so sorry.
- My waters broke.
10
00:00:18,447 --> 00:00:20,640
- My water's broken, it's too early.
- What?!
11
00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:26,782
Huh, I knew they were
going to vote him out.
12
00:00:27,394 --> 00:00:30,482
Well, congratulations,
you're a psychic of garbage.
13
00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:33,627
Why are we watching this?
14
00:00:34,817 --> 00:00:36,550
Cos Mad Men's finished and
15
00:00:36,585 --> 00:00:39,188
Game of Thrones isn't back on
yet and there was nothing else.
16
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:40,804
Well, let's watch that then,
17
00:00:40,834 --> 00:00:42,643
let's watch "nothing else".
18
00:00:44,568 --> 00:00:46,121
Let's have sex.
19
00:00:46,990 --> 00:00:49,488
- I'll have to put my mug down.
- No.
20
00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:52,499
My old lady bra turns you on?
21
00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:53,730
Fuck, yeah,
22
00:00:53,783 --> 00:00:56,360
it's like being in bed with
one of my aunt's friends.
23
00:00:56,607 --> 00:00:58,265
Feels dirty and wrong.
24
00:00:58,277 --> 00:01:00,383
SHE RETCHES
25
00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:03,511
I just need to watch like
26
00:01:03,733 --> 00:01:06,020
the first two minutes of this next episode,
27
00:01:06,037 --> 00:01:07,923
cos I want to see what
the hardest challenge is.
28
00:01:17,114 --> 00:01:19,413
Can you move your feet,
that's really uncomfortable.
29
00:01:19,763 --> 00:01:20,966
No.
30
00:01:22,495 --> 00:01:24,660
Well, can you make your legs less heavy?
31
00:01:27,230 --> 00:01:28,874
Are you going to make me do it?
32
00:01:35,316 --> 00:01:37,084
Why did you move my legs like that?
33
00:01:37,807 --> 00:01:39,663
I'm sorry, I have a cramp.
34
00:01:39,721 --> 00:01:41,706
You didn't say that, you hurt me.
35
00:01:41,717 --> 00:01:42,949
I said it was uncomfortable,
36
00:01:42,955 --> 00:01:44,629
I didn't know I had to
give you a diagnosis.
37
00:01:44,630 --> 00:01:46,929
I asked you to move
them and you didn't move.
38
00:01:46,941 --> 00:01:48,575
That was just really aggressive!
39
00:01:48,581 --> 00:01:50,769
- It wasn't aggressive!
- You're so aggressive!
40
00:01:50,833 --> 00:01:52,749
- I'm aggressive?
- Aggressive!
41
00:01:52,750 --> 00:01:54,843
Aggressive... it was even aggressive
42
00:01:54,866 --> 00:01:56,585
the way you said that, Mark Wahlberg.
43
00:01:56,609 --> 00:01:58,829
I'm not aggressive. When have
I ever been aggressive to you?
44
00:01:58,830 --> 00:02:01,043
Erm, just now, the way you moved my feet.
45
00:02:01,062 --> 00:02:03,098
I have a fucking cramp!
46
00:02:04,069 --> 00:02:05,839
Don't loom over me!
47
00:02:06,305 --> 00:02:07,705
Don't threaten me!
48
00:02:07,766 --> 00:02:08,438
What?!
49
00:02:08,466 --> 00:02:11,080
- Do you know what threaten means?
- Yeah, and I felt threatened.
50
00:02:11,095 --> 00:02:12,645
You felt threatened?
51
00:02:12,664 --> 00:02:15,969
What are you a blogger? "I
felt threatened... post."
52
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:17,831
Fucking Syrians are threatened.
53
00:02:17,878 --> 00:02:18,966
"I felt threatened."
54
00:02:18,984 --> 00:02:20,268
You live on a cream puff!
55
00:02:20,287 --> 00:02:23,278
You need to take a walk and just calm down.
56
00:02:23,512 --> 00:02:24,398
OK.
57
00:02:25,399 --> 00:02:26,090
Where are you going?
58
00:02:26,210 --> 00:02:28,195
- Out.
- Out, what are you a teenager?
59
00:02:28,195 --> 00:02:30,982
- I'm going for a drive.
- Bullshit, you're going to McDonald's.
60
00:02:30,996 --> 00:02:34,119
- Fine, take your purse and get out of my house.
- This is my house.
61
00:02:34,147 --> 00:02:35,539
I bought this house.
62
00:02:35,659 --> 00:02:37,934
Fine, well, get off my rug
63
00:02:37,966 --> 00:02:39,334
that I bought in Amsterdam,
64
00:02:39,348 --> 00:02:42,299
where I had sex with a guy whose
last name I didn't even learn.
65
00:02:42,327 --> 00:02:44,260
Oh, like, I haven't done that...
66
00:02:44,825 --> 00:02:46,124
... with women.
67
00:02:57,903 --> 00:02:59,201
Where's the fucking car?!
68
00:03:07,820 --> 00:03:09,539
Yeah, nice try, Jason Bourne.
69
00:03:09,945 --> 00:03:11,392
Where's the car?
70
00:03:12,433 --> 00:03:14,301
- Sharon?
- Maynold Street.
71
00:03:14,302 --> 00:03:15,365
You couldn't find anything closer?
72
00:03:15,380 --> 00:03:16,957
No, there were lots of spots closer
73
00:03:16,980 --> 00:03:19,151
but I had 11 shopping bags
and I'm nine months pregnant,
74
00:03:19,174 --> 00:03:20,673
so I fancied the fucking walk!
75
00:03:20,710 --> 00:03:23,637
Well, I don't, so I'm going to sleep.
76
00:03:30,900 --> 00:03:32,104
Don't touch me.
77
00:03:32,487 --> 00:03:34,634
You come anywhere near
me, I'm going to scream.
78
00:03:37,352 --> 00:03:39,406
Put your finger in my asshole.
79
00:03:40,032 --> 00:03:41,102
How?
80
00:03:41,386 --> 00:03:44,500
THEY GROAN AND BREATHE HEAVILY
81
00:03:47,946 --> 00:03:49,503
HE SCREAMS
82
00:03:49,811 --> 00:03:52,281
Hey, are you OK, darling? Come here, honey.
83
00:03:52,309 --> 00:03:54,429
I think I cut my effing eyebrow bone.
84
00:03:54,549 --> 00:03:58,028
- DOG BARKS
- Get down, Mable! Get down, Mable.
85
00:04:01,255 --> 00:04:03,699
HE LAUGHS
86
00:04:04,449 --> 00:04:06,179
She's trying to bite the baby's toes again.
87
00:04:06,372 --> 00:04:09,247
She's not biting them, she's
licking them and he likes it.
88
00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:11,736
Just because he likes it
doesn't mean we should allow it.
89
00:04:11,856 --> 00:04:13,300
That's how fetishes start.
90
00:04:13,739 --> 00:04:15,820
Do you want him to have to pay hookers
91
00:04:15,839 --> 00:04:16,991
to lick his feet?
92
00:04:16,992 --> 00:04:18,416
Let's not send him on that path.
93
00:04:18,631 --> 00:04:20,503
Every day, honey.
94
00:04:23,174 --> 00:04:25,250
- You OK?
- Mhm, yeah, I think so.
95
00:04:25,266 --> 00:04:26,265
No baby today.
96
00:04:26,286 --> 00:04:27,481
- Are you sure?
- Mhm.
97
00:04:27,547 --> 00:04:28,896
OK, I'm going to go.
98
00:04:29,255 --> 00:04:31,758
Oh, what are we going to do about my mum?
99
00:04:31,824 --> 00:04:33,037
Well, let's just tell her no,
100
00:04:33,047 --> 00:04:34,172
because we've got a baby on the way.
101
00:04:34,195 --> 00:04:35,843
She claims to want to help with the baby.
102
00:04:35,862 --> 00:04:37,193
Well, we know that's not true.
103
00:04:37,258 --> 00:04:38,972
She's going to make me take her places,
104
00:04:39,038 --> 00:04:41,185
she's going to make me
take her to the M&M store in
105
00:04:41,250 --> 00:04:42,525
fucking Leicester Square.
106
00:04:42,567 --> 00:04:44,360
Like they don't have M&Ms in America!
107
00:04:44,374 --> 00:04:46,871
Well, you tell me where
you don't want to take her
108
00:04:46,885 --> 00:04:49,158
- and I'll tell her it burnt down.
- Our house...
109
00:04:49,278 --> 00:04:51,142
tell her our house burnt down.
110
00:04:51,262 --> 00:04:52,393
OK!
111
00:04:53,289 --> 00:04:55,058
Bring me back a surprise.
112
00:04:58,900 --> 00:05:01,268
And as the fungus grows it takes over
113
00:05:01,287 --> 00:05:04,461
the ant's central nervous system,
manipulating its behaviour.
114
00:05:04,648 --> 00:05:06,791
It then kills the ant and a stalk
115
00:05:06,796 --> 00:05:08,201
emerges from the skull, which
116
00:05:08,224 --> 00:05:10,423
explodes, spreading
the fungus much further,
117
00:05:10,442 --> 00:05:13,491
creating armies of, for
want of a better term,
118
00:05:13,611 --> 00:05:14,943
zombie ants.
119
00:05:16,774 --> 00:05:18,526
And this, in a sense,
120
00:05:18,529 --> 00:05:21,083
is what Brayban is seeking to
do with our takeover of Nyromax.
121
00:05:21,144 --> 00:05:22,139
PHONE RINGS
122
00:05:22,140 --> 00:05:23,859
- Can you see what I'm getting at here?
- Shit!
123
00:05:23,979 --> 00:05:26,862
Sorry, I'm going to take this.
124
00:05:27,044 --> 00:05:28,949
Did anyone else see that documentary?
125
00:05:28,972 --> 00:05:30,041
It was disgusting!
126
00:05:30,797 --> 00:05:32,207
I think the baby's coming.
127
00:05:32,506 --> 00:05:33,855
Yeah, I think it's coming.
128
00:05:34,322 --> 00:05:35,659
Hoooh!
129
00:05:35,660 --> 00:05:37,619
- You can't keep doing that.
- Twice.
130
00:05:37,814 --> 00:05:40,316
I've done it twice and
this time I genuinely
131
00:05:40,321 --> 00:05:42,193
felt really lonely and bored.
132
00:05:43,435 --> 00:05:44,817
Did you check in on Frankie?
133
00:05:44,937 --> 00:05:47,379
- His little bum's still up in the air?
- Way up there.
134
00:05:47,499 --> 00:05:49,098
I gave it a little polish.
135
00:05:49,164 --> 00:05:51,099
God, his little bum's too much.
136
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:53,253
Even his penis is cute...
137
00:05:53,420 --> 00:05:55,722
- his little penis!
- I love his little penis.
138
00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:58,539
You don't think it's little,
little though, do you?
139
00:05:58,659 --> 00:06:01,063
No, it's huge for a baby penis.
140
00:06:01,063 --> 00:06:02,179
Is it?
141
00:06:02,398 --> 00:06:04,751
I'd hate if he had a
small penis, is that bad?
142
00:06:04,784 --> 00:06:07,711
No, all mums want their
sons to have a big penis.
143
00:06:08,117 --> 00:06:10,321
You want your son's
penis to inspire respect
144
00:06:10,441 --> 00:06:12,651
- and a tiny bit of fear.
- No,
145
00:06:13,085 --> 00:06:15,186
I just want it to be big enough
so he doesn't have to worry.
146
00:06:15,191 --> 00:06:17,338
I don't want him to be a folk legend or
147
00:06:17,628 --> 00:06:20,336
have to put out ads for
women with big pussies.
148
00:06:20,456 --> 00:06:22,871
Yeah, I don't want him to
have to roam from city to city,
149
00:06:22,885 --> 00:06:25,154
using rural highways, searching for women
150
00:06:25,168 --> 00:06:26,821
who can handle his freakish penis.
151
00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:30,499
HE WHISTLES
152
00:06:30,915 --> 00:06:33,983
Oh, he asked me to itch his bum earlier.
153
00:06:34,103 --> 00:06:36,060
- Yeah?
- But he meant inside it!
154
00:06:36,074 --> 00:06:39,413
He parted his butt cheeks and
he asked me to itch it in it.
155
00:06:39,436 --> 00:06:41,425
- What did you say?
- I said no
156
00:06:41,545 --> 00:06:42,592
but I felt bad.
157
00:06:42,712 --> 00:06:45,104
It's OK to say no when
people ask you to do stuff
158
00:06:45,140 --> 00:06:47,009
to their private parts
that you don't want to do...
159
00:06:47,129 --> 00:06:48,432
unless it's me.
160
00:06:49,020 --> 00:06:50,272
I've got to get back to work.
161
00:06:58,890 --> 00:07:00,856
If we were to get Radiohead
162
00:07:00,856 --> 00:07:03,195
it would be the first time
they've allowed one of their tracks
163
00:07:03,209 --> 00:07:06,435
to be used in a pharmaceutical
ad targeted at children.
164
00:07:06,458 --> 00:07:07,541
What about Coldplay?
165
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:08,526
TEXT MESSAGE ALERT
166
00:07:08,797 --> 00:07:11,155
- _
- Obviously, I've tried Coldplay
167
00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:13,349
but, you know,
168
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:16,547
people can't buy the drug if they
fall asleep during the commercial.
169
00:07:16,575 --> 00:07:17,905
THEY SNIGGER
170
00:07:19,501 --> 00:07:21,820
Why would people fall
asleep listening to Coldplay?
171
00:07:24,334 --> 00:07:25,699
Well, we could try Maroon 5.
172
00:07:26,481 --> 00:07:28,610
ANSWER PHONE: You have one new message.
173
00:07:28,872 --> 00:07:32,004
Where the fuck are you? The baby's coming!
174
00:07:32,064 --> 00:07:34,062
Fucking hell, where are you?
175
00:07:42,990 --> 00:07:45,908
No, no, no, this is my lift!
176
00:07:47,540 --> 00:07:49,060
SHE SCREAMS
177
00:07:49,180 --> 00:07:52,517
I'm so sorry! I thought you just
wanted me to keep you company again.
178
00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:55,194
Get them to cut it out of
me, Rob! Caesarean me, please!
179
00:07:55,216 --> 00:07:57,659
- It's not too late!
- It is too late, you're crowning.
180
00:07:57,660 --> 00:08:00,993
- Push it back in and cut it out!
- Is it definitely too late?
181
00:08:01,036 --> 00:08:01,861
Yes, it is.
182
00:08:01,905 --> 00:08:05,771
I told you last time I wasn't
doing this again! I don't like this.
183
00:08:06,483 --> 00:08:09,354
- Nurse, she doesn't like this.
- Is it out yet?
184
00:08:09,540 --> 00:08:13,223
Oh, God! Oh, no, am I shitting myself now?
185
00:08:13,404 --> 00:08:15,119
Barely.
186
00:08:21,980 --> 00:08:24,059
MUSIC: "Pop Music" by R Stevie Moore
187
00:08:24,335 --> 00:08:30,573
♪ If you see a change, yes it's true ♪
188
00:08:32,861 --> 00:08:36,860
♪ I'm a useful man in these shoes ♪
189
00:08:41,822 --> 00:08:45,382
Oh, fuck you, Craftmaster69!
190
00:08:45,441 --> 00:08:47,623
Whenever it's Hummel figurines,
191
00:08:47,647 --> 00:08:50,319
this piece of shit always outbids me!
192
00:08:50,940 --> 00:08:52,499
HE GIGGLES
193
00:08:52,500 --> 00:08:53,973
Do you eBay?
194
00:08:55,572 --> 00:08:57,393
Oh, Karen...
195
00:08:57,732 --> 00:08:59,259
Are you going to cap it at two, then?
196
00:08:59,260 --> 00:09:01,519
- Cap it?
- No, I'm going to cut it off.
197
00:09:01,639 --> 00:09:02,855
I'm going to get snipped.
198
00:09:03,025 --> 00:09:05,499
Don't say that. What if it doesn't
work out with Sharon and you meet
199
00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:07,019
a younger woman and she wants kids?
200
00:09:07,020 --> 00:09:08,859
That's exactly why I want to do it,
201
00:09:08,860 --> 00:09:11,859
to remove the possibility of
that nightmare ever happening.
202
00:09:11,860 --> 00:09:14,099
I'm going to be a husband and a dad once,
203
00:09:14,100 --> 00:09:16,460
I'm going to do a good job
and then I'm going to die.
204
00:09:16,496 --> 00:09:18,077
Amen to that.
205
00:09:18,620 --> 00:09:19,857
What about you?
206
00:09:19,977 --> 00:09:21,917
I'm going to keep going till I have a boy.
207
00:09:21,964 --> 00:09:23,977
I'd be a great father to a son.
208
00:09:24,788 --> 00:09:26,899
How do you guys not get pregnant?
209
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,020
Same way I don't get the postman pregnant.
210
00:09:29,621 --> 00:09:32,099
Fran and I haven't fucked
in just over two years.
211
00:09:32,100 --> 00:09:34,039
Why, man, can you not... ?
212
00:09:34,159 --> 00:09:36,957
Yeah, but it doesn't get
quite big or hard enough
213
00:09:36,980 --> 00:09:38,900
to bridge the fucking gulf
214
00:09:38,923 --> 00:09:40,663
that's opened up between us.
215
00:09:40,966 --> 00:09:43,913
It would take at least ten very hard,
216
00:09:44,228 --> 00:09:46,446
very long penises.
217
00:09:46,566 --> 00:09:49,014
I could walk across them
like a tightrope, maybe, and
218
00:09:49,043 --> 00:09:51,419
I don't know, throw a
handful of jizm at her.
219
00:09:51,420 --> 00:09:53,461
Isn't that what Elton John does?
220
00:09:54,650 --> 00:09:56,019
Where is Fran today?
221
00:09:56,535 --> 00:09:59,594
We're not currently attending
any public engagements together.
222
00:10:00,492 --> 00:10:03,217
Barometrically, we combine
to create an atmosphere
223
00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:04,787
that is somewhat shitty.
224
00:10:05,020 --> 00:10:07,040
We flipped a coin for this one...
225
00:10:07,308 --> 00:10:08,907
I lost.
226
00:10:10,803 --> 00:10:12,601
- No offence.
- Ah,
227
00:10:12,869 --> 00:10:15,262
it seems like only ten minutes
ago we were sharing one bedroom
228
00:10:15,300 --> 00:10:16,698
and a dildo above a Chicken Cottage.
229
00:10:16,721 --> 00:10:19,143
- We never shared a dildo.
- That's what you think.
230
00:10:19,428 --> 00:10:22,014
THEY LAUGH
231
00:10:22,265 --> 00:10:24,827
Oh, my God, I'm going to wet myself.
232
00:10:26,502 --> 00:10:30,538
- It's OK, I'm wearing a nappy.
- Oh, God, you've got it all now.
233
00:10:30,584 --> 00:10:33,465
Yeah, got two kids and a dog now,
234
00:10:33,585 --> 00:10:35,973
it's what I always wanted... apparently.
235
00:10:36,031 --> 00:10:38,373
Rob, he's looking a little tired,
236
00:10:38,409 --> 00:10:41,068
you might want to give him
a teeny break from Frankie.
237
00:10:42,293 --> 00:10:45,859
You know, I just realised
who she reminds me of,
238
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:47,349
Rob's father.
239
00:10:47,469 --> 00:10:48,960
- Aww.
- To give you some context,
240
00:10:48,981 --> 00:10:50,868
you know the actor Gene Wilder?
241
00:10:51,580 --> 00:10:54,419
My baby doesn't look like Gene Wilder!
242
00:10:55,677 --> 00:10:59,353
You know, I still have trouble
with the name, how do you say it?
243
00:10:59,473 --> 00:11:00,579
Moron?
244
00:11:00,580 --> 00:11:01,810
Moirin.
245
00:11:02,131 --> 00:11:03,596
Maury.
246
00:11:03,958 --> 00:11:05,340
Moirin.
247
00:11:05,341 --> 00:11:06,257
I get it,
248
00:11:06,642 --> 00:11:08,551
in America we said Myrin.
249
00:11:08,566 --> 00:11:11,060
You know, people probably
tried to say it your way
250
00:11:11,065 --> 00:11:13,207
but when they got to Ellis Island,
251
00:11:13,271 --> 00:11:15,739
they just changed it Myrin.
252
00:11:16,270 --> 00:11:18,306
So, I think it's Myrin.
253
00:11:21,714 --> 00:11:23,716
How long has your mother-in-law been here?
254
00:11:23,768 --> 00:11:25,779
Oh, just three weeks.
255
00:11:25,963 --> 00:11:29,511
Yeah, she was supposed to leave on
Tuesday but she mislaid her passport.
256
00:11:29,581 --> 00:11:32,470
It's fine, though, cos she's
been doing a lot of babysitting
257
00:11:32,488 --> 00:11:35,120
and I'm kidding, she's fucking useless!
258
00:11:36,374 --> 00:11:38,859
- You OK?
- Oh, yeah, I'm terrific.
259
00:11:39,286 --> 00:11:41,364
- Where's your mum?
- She's in the toilet.
260
00:11:41,591 --> 00:11:44,649
She's scared of your mum, so
she's hiding in our toilet.
261
00:11:46,319 --> 00:11:47,562
Why did we do this?
262
00:11:47,626 --> 00:11:50,899
Cos it knocks out all our
visitors in one terrible afternoon.
263
00:11:50,900 --> 00:11:52,271
Oh, yeah.
264
00:11:52,948 --> 00:11:55,119
Do you want me to take Moirin?
265
00:11:55,656 --> 00:11:57,051
Why do you do that?
266
00:11:57,295 --> 00:11:59,974
Why do you pause before you say her name?
267
00:11:59,998 --> 00:12:01,030
I don't.
268
00:12:01,614 --> 00:12:02,619
Do I?
269
00:12:03,067 --> 00:12:05,219
I mean, I don't know.
270
00:12:05,564 --> 00:12:07,268
I want to get rid of that dog!
271
00:12:07,315 --> 00:12:09,042
I'm so glad you said that.
272
00:12:09,065 --> 00:12:10,151
Why did we get her?
273
00:12:10,162 --> 00:12:11,353
Because that bitch from the shelter
274
00:12:11,364 --> 00:12:12,625
told us they were going
to have her put down
275
00:12:12,643 --> 00:12:14,067
after we'd already tickled her belly,
276
00:12:14,108 --> 00:12:16,139
which is basically entrapment.
277
00:12:16,140 --> 00:12:20,140
HE TAPS HIS GLASS
278
00:12:21,217 --> 00:12:24,724
- Dad, you don't need to...
- Just a little toast
279
00:12:24,952 --> 00:12:27,624
to the newest member of the family and
280
00:12:28,202 --> 00:12:29,638
fair play to Sharon,
281
00:12:29,679 --> 00:12:31,325
she never gave up hope.
282
00:12:31,902 --> 00:12:34,645
She watched each and
every one of her peers up
283
00:12:34,656 --> 00:12:36,539
and leave the disco to settle down.
284
00:12:36,921 --> 00:12:39,170
Even her baby brother
beat her to the punch.
285
00:12:39,290 --> 00:12:41,869
For a long time we thought, that's it,
286
00:12:42,225 --> 00:12:43,620
she's missed her chance
287
00:12:43,924 --> 00:12:46,351
but she'd always have her career,
288
00:12:46,661 --> 00:12:48,983
which she would explain to us was her baby.
289
00:12:49,479 --> 00:12:51,428
You hear a woman say that and then you
290
00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:53,049
watch her features harden,
291
00:12:53,055 --> 00:12:55,716
her rump widen and you then
you think, "That's it now,
292
00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:58,099
she's out to pasture."
293
00:12:58,100 --> 00:12:59,498
Then Rob came along,
294
00:13:00,222 --> 00:13:02,340
broken in his own way
295
00:13:02,375 --> 00:13:04,701
and when Sharon and Rob began their journey
296
00:13:04,724 --> 00:13:07,718
we all thought it had
as much chance of lasting
297
00:13:07,729 --> 00:13:09,276
as a fart in a storm.
298
00:13:09,396 --> 00:13:12,305
Not one single person
thought it would last...
299
00:13:12,357 --> 00:13:14,178
least of all your mother.
300
00:13:15,438 --> 00:13:17,259
They proved us all wrong.
301
00:13:17,260 --> 00:13:21,260
And here we are amongst
a growing family and
302
00:13:21,735 --> 00:13:22,867
it's wonderful!
303
00:13:23,865 --> 00:13:25,441
Just wonderful.
304
00:13:26,300 --> 00:13:28,050
To Bridget and Rob.
305
00:13:30,700 --> 00:13:33,110
Who the fuck is Bridget?
306
00:13:37,797 --> 00:13:39,372
Bridget and Rob.
307
00:13:39,492 --> 00:13:43,032
- Westmeath. It's a lovely...
- How far is that from Dublin?
308
00:13:43,102 --> 00:13:45,868
- Well, about 40 miles down...
- Riverdance.
309
00:13:45,988 --> 00:13:47,561
Is that Westmeath?
310
00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:50,695
- No, I don't think...
- He is Irish, right?
311
00:13:50,753 --> 00:13:54,827
- Yes.
- You know, when I saw him dance, I wept...
312
00:13:56,146 --> 00:13:58,124
... in my panties.
313
00:13:58,381 --> 00:14:03,062
You know, I would love to
visit you in Dublin. Should I?
314
00:14:03,072 --> 00:14:05,704
- I mean, I have an open-ended ticket, so...
- Really?
315
00:14:06,463 --> 00:14:08,126
I should clear away.
316
00:14:09,314 --> 00:14:11,531
Mum, you don't need to worry about that.
317
00:14:11,555 --> 00:14:13,125
Well, somebody has to.
318
00:14:15,436 --> 00:14:16,685
Sha...
319
00:14:17,467 --> 00:14:19,649
Is the baby OK? There's
blood in this nappy?
320
00:14:19,684 --> 00:14:20,478
Huh?
321
00:14:20,688 --> 00:14:22,861
Oh, that's fine. It's one of mine.
322
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:24,181
BABY CRIES ON MONITOR
323
00:14:24,182 --> 00:14:26,319
Can you keep an eye on
Frankie for a minute?
324
00:14:26,342 --> 00:14:28,333
- I'm going to go check on Muireann.
- OK.
325
00:14:28,922 --> 00:14:30,147
Because she's crying.
326
00:14:30,451 --> 00:14:31,595
OK.
327
00:14:33,162 --> 00:14:34,498
Rob.
328
00:14:34,807 --> 00:14:36,972
Do you think it's a bad
time for me to pop to Ikea?
329
00:14:46,158 --> 00:14:48,101
Rob's mum seems really nice.
330
00:14:48,358 --> 00:14:50,692
Yeah, she's one of
humanity's brightest lights.
331
00:14:50,848 --> 00:14:53,651
I'm really glad she's here
and I hope she never leaves.
332
00:14:53,888 --> 00:14:55,728
So what's going on with Dad?
333
00:14:55,763 --> 00:14:57,927
Have you changed your name to
Bridget and I don't know about it?
334
00:14:57,928 --> 00:14:59,818
No, I don't know what's wrong with him.
335
00:14:59,830 --> 00:15:01,247
He's had five cans of stout maybe.
336
00:15:01,248 --> 00:15:04,177
I mean, is he losing it? Cos I would
have put money on Mum to go first.
337
00:15:04,212 --> 00:15:06,487
Fergal... ! Maybe... I can't...
338
00:15:06,950 --> 00:15:08,247
My tits are leaking.
339
00:15:08,248 --> 00:15:10,306
Three people in this house wear nappies,
340
00:15:10,329 --> 00:15:12,237
I'm one of them. I have
to keep babies alive.
341
00:15:12,247 --> 00:15:14,254
So I'm going to be able to
think about other people in about
342
00:15:14,288 --> 00:15:16,869
- six months or so. Can you deal with it?
- Yeah.
343
00:15:16,989 --> 00:15:19,656
- Yeah, I'll fix his dementia.
- Thank you.
344
00:15:36,035 --> 00:15:37,319
Where's Frankie?
345
00:15:39,888 --> 00:15:41,591
- TOILET FLUSHES
- Where's Frankie?
346
00:15:41,614 --> 00:15:43,430
- What do you mean?
- What do I mean? Where's your son?
347
00:15:43,448 --> 00:15:44,929
- The front door was open.
- Oh, I...
348
00:15:44,980 --> 00:15:46,600
Honey, wake up. I asked you to watch him.
349
00:15:46,614 --> 00:15:47,693
- I was...
- What?!
350
00:15:47,693 --> 00:15:48,678
I don't know.
351
00:15:48,734 --> 00:15:49,863
- Where's Frankie?
- What?
352
00:15:49,887 --> 00:15:51,792
- Where's the baby?!
- Frankie!
353
00:15:51,862 --> 00:15:53,034
Frankie!
354
00:15:53,323 --> 00:15:55,087
Frankie!
355
00:15:55,456 --> 00:15:57,786
Somebody's had an accident.
356
00:15:57,833 --> 00:15:59,047
He's there!
357
00:15:59,388 --> 00:16:01,722
He's crapped himself.
358
00:16:02,408 --> 00:16:05,107
Jesus Christ, you nearly
gave me a heart attack.
359
00:16:05,125 --> 00:16:07,851
Can't a grandmother spend
time with her grandson?
360
00:16:07,852 --> 00:16:09,934
Mia! You've been here three weeks
361
00:16:09,962 --> 00:16:12,440
- and you've barely registered his existence.
- Oh, please.
362
00:16:12,441 --> 00:16:15,616
This is the first day since I got
here that you haven't slept till 11.
363
00:16:15,736 --> 00:16:18,785
- What?!
- You treat Rob like a hired hand.
364
00:16:18,804 --> 00:16:20,022
Knock it off, Mom.
365
00:16:20,142 --> 00:16:22,680
I think you might be more
comfortable in a hotel.
366
00:16:22,717 --> 00:16:26,443
Well, probably. At least there
I'd get clean sheets now and then.
367
00:16:26,462 --> 00:16:28,974
- Don't be an asshole, Mom.
- Oh, she's not an arsehole.
368
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,266
She's a haemorrhoid on an arsehole.
369
00:16:31,275 --> 00:16:33,694
You are a malevolent
haemorrhoid of a woman...
370
00:16:33,728 --> 00:16:36,229
And you can take it down a
few notches too, all right?!
371
00:16:36,261 --> 00:16:38,648
Your parents have been here 25
times in the last three months,
372
00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:40,240
and any complaints I've had which,
373
00:16:40,249 --> 00:16:41,720
by the way, Carole, have been barely any,
374
00:16:41,730 --> 00:16:43,224
I've delivered to you in private.
375
00:16:43,224 --> 00:16:45,319
I haven't nailed them to the church door.
376
00:16:47,182 --> 00:16:48,414
Where's Muireann?
377
00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:50,198
- Where's Muireann?!
- She's upstairs,
378
00:16:50,230 --> 00:16:51,146
but even if she wasn't,
379
00:16:51,169 --> 00:16:52,458
I couldn't call out her name,
380
00:16:52,477 --> 00:16:53,538
cos I can't pronounce it.
381
00:16:53,564 --> 00:16:55,292
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
- Please,
382
00:16:55,315 --> 00:16:56,347
anyone, help me out here.
383
00:16:56,384 --> 00:16:58,013
Can anyone pronounce my baby's name?
384
00:16:58,051 --> 00:16:59,036
IRISH FAMILY: Muireann.
385
00:16:59,050 --> 00:17:00,792
Not you people, the other people.
386
00:17:01,441 --> 00:17:02,807
- Maurieh...
- Maudien...
387
00:17:03,093 --> 00:17:04,377
Myrehn.
388
00:17:04,629 --> 00:17:06,660
Well, that is...
389
00:17:07,215 --> 00:17:08,046
That's...
390
00:17:08,504 --> 00:17:10,936
Just keep the fucking front door shut.
391
00:17:22,528 --> 00:17:23,542
Sorry.
392
00:17:23,948 --> 00:17:25,527
- Are you OK?
- No.
393
00:17:25,737 --> 00:17:27,441
Will you ask everyone to leave?
394
00:17:27,561 --> 00:17:28,328
No.
395
00:17:29,248 --> 00:17:30,877
If they're still here in an hour, will you?
396
00:17:30,997 --> 00:17:31,848
Yes.
397
00:17:32,408 --> 00:17:34,859
I'm sorry I freaked out.
398
00:17:35,808 --> 00:17:37,768
Can you really not pronounce her name?
399
00:17:38,286 --> 00:17:40,378
It's not like some African tribal language
400
00:17:40,383 --> 00:17:42,386
with clicks in it. It's just Irish.
401
00:17:42,506 --> 00:17:43,661
It's just easy.
402
00:17:43,698 --> 00:17:46,061
I'll get it. I will get there.
403
00:17:46,686 --> 00:17:50,403
- Mww... erehn is a beautiful name.
- SHE CHUCKLES
404
00:17:53,648 --> 00:17:55,815
Sorry I called your mother a haemorrhoid.
405
00:17:55,888 --> 00:17:57,207
It's OK.
406
00:17:57,208 --> 00:17:58,914
I mean, best-case scenario,
407
00:17:58,914 --> 00:18:00,651
she's so upset that she leaves.
408
00:18:00,964 --> 00:18:03,532
Worst-case scenario, she kills herself
409
00:18:03,588 --> 00:18:05,292
and I can finally be free.
410
00:18:08,648 --> 00:18:11,123
Oh, for God's sake.
411
00:18:12,568 --> 00:18:14,369
- Rob!
- (Oh, Christ.)
412
00:18:14,489 --> 00:18:16,442
- Hey, Dave!
- Is this yours?
413
00:18:16,562 --> 00:18:19,649
- Yeah, I think...
- OK, because
414
00:18:19,714 --> 00:18:21,470
I found it next to that.
415
00:18:24,192 --> 00:18:25,378
Oh, Christ.
416
00:18:25,406 --> 00:18:27,717
Aw, shit, man. Your wee doggy's been hit.
417
00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:33,937
Excuse me.
418
00:18:34,828 --> 00:18:35,982
Hey, Des,
419
00:18:36,453 --> 00:18:38,564
- what are you doing out here?
- Oh...
420
00:18:40,511 --> 00:18:41,421
Just...
421
00:18:41,963 --> 00:18:43,126
looking at the house.
422
00:18:43,246 --> 00:18:46,407
It's a lovely house when you
look at it from this angle.
423
00:18:46,940 --> 00:18:47,696
Yeah...
424
00:18:48,195 --> 00:18:49,456
Do you want to come back inside?
425
00:18:49,688 --> 00:18:50,884
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
426
00:18:53,848 --> 00:18:56,146
You go in, man. I'll find
somewhere to stash it.
427
00:18:56,318 --> 00:18:57,425
Thanks.
428
00:19:02,888 --> 00:19:04,512
What's happened to your dog?
429
00:19:06,928 --> 00:19:08,298
To everything
430
00:19:08,583 --> 00:19:10,371
there is a season.
431
00:19:12,608 --> 00:19:14,139
OK, three,
432
00:19:14,676 --> 00:19:16,608
two, one...
433
00:19:16,888 --> 00:19:18,447
Tah-dah!
434
00:19:18,448 --> 00:19:20,123
- What the hell?
- THEY CHUCKLE
435
00:19:20,945 --> 00:19:22,220
Where did you get that photo?
436
00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:24,260
Rob texted it to me
right after she was born.
437
00:19:24,302 --> 00:19:26,328
That's my areola. You can see my veins.
438
00:19:26,328 --> 00:19:28,127
Well, it's perfectly natural.
439
00:19:28,128 --> 00:19:31,198
I don't know if it is, on a cake.
440
00:19:31,488 --> 00:19:34,157
♪ Baby faces... ♪
441
00:19:34,587 --> 00:19:35,703
Everybody!
442
00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:38,287
You looking after this big fella, then?
443
00:19:38,288 --> 00:19:40,428
- Oh, I'm fine.
- He's fine.
444
00:19:40,899 --> 00:19:42,927
I'm going to give you a piece of advice.
445
00:19:42,928 --> 00:19:44,736
After your brother was born,
446
00:19:44,808 --> 00:19:47,607
and your father and I had
a bit of a rough patch,
447
00:19:47,608 --> 00:19:49,074
we decided
448
00:19:49,125 --> 00:19:51,847
that we had to put our love for
each other above everything else,
449
00:19:51,848 --> 00:19:53,743
because we were man and wife
450
00:19:53,785 --> 00:19:55,582
before we were mother and father.
451
00:19:56,008 --> 00:19:57,038
Right.
452
00:19:57,158 --> 00:19:59,069
So you chose to love Dad more than us.
453
00:19:59,247 --> 00:20:00,371
Oh, no,
454
00:20:00,689 --> 00:20:02,234
just to love him first.
455
00:20:02,715 --> 00:20:04,746
It's the same with me and Melandra.
456
00:20:05,808 --> 00:20:07,727
SHE CHUCKLES
457
00:20:08,228 --> 00:20:10,110
Where's the dog?
458
00:20:10,568 --> 00:20:12,407
SHE CLICKS
459
00:20:12,408 --> 00:20:14,587
Mabel? Mabel?!
460
00:20:14,620 --> 00:20:16,727
- SHE CRIES
- I'm sorry, honey.
461
00:20:16,728 --> 00:20:18,538
I'm not crying about the dog.
462
00:20:18,902 --> 00:20:20,242
Then why are you crying?
463
00:20:20,756 --> 00:20:22,548
Everyone's still here.
464
00:20:22,716 --> 00:20:24,644
Why won't they leave?
465
00:20:24,764 --> 00:20:26,544
- Well...
- And in case you haven't noticed,
466
00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:30,088
my dad's losing his fucking
marbles. He left the door open,
467
00:20:30,107 --> 00:20:30,985
- the dog's dead.
- TOILET FLUSHES
468
00:20:31,018 --> 00:20:33,207
It could have been Frankie.
469
00:20:34,288 --> 00:20:36,779
I'm sorry I left the door open.
470
00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:39,903
No, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
471
00:20:39,941 --> 00:20:42,531
Please don't worry. We were
going to have her put down anyway.
472
00:20:43,168 --> 00:20:45,197
I'm just glad you're here.
473
00:20:46,723 --> 00:20:49,127
Tried to find a bit of the
cake without your nipple on it.
474
00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:51,106
Harder than it sounds.
475
00:20:54,225 --> 00:20:57,567
I think it may have been
irresponsible for us to procreate.
476
00:20:57,968 --> 00:20:59,007
OK...
477
00:20:59,008 --> 00:21:00,487
You're an alcoholic,
478
00:21:00,671 --> 00:21:02,529
your mother's a card-carrying sadist,
479
00:21:02,553 --> 00:21:04,167
my dad can't remember my name,
480
00:21:04,168 --> 00:21:06,857
Fergal... Well, nothing's
been diagnosed, but
481
00:21:06,923 --> 00:21:08,921
there's obviously a few
things wrong there...
482
00:21:09,547 --> 00:21:10,457
It's not looking good.
483
00:21:10,499 --> 00:21:12,999
- Thank God you're so normal.
- SHE CHUCKLES
484
00:21:13,728 --> 00:21:16,007
I had to think about
what my mother was saying,
485
00:21:16,270 --> 00:21:18,127
about loving each other
more than the kids...
486
00:21:18,128 --> 00:21:19,730
I think there's something wrong with her.
487
00:21:19,767 --> 00:21:20,766
OK, good.
488
00:21:20,818 --> 00:21:22,087
I was worried it was just me.
489
00:21:22,559 --> 00:21:25,057
I just think if you don't
love the kids more than me
490
00:21:25,177 --> 00:21:28,083
- then you're not fit to be a mother.
- Of course I love them more than you.
491
00:21:28,203 --> 00:21:29,727
I'm not a sociopath.
492
00:21:29,978 --> 00:21:32,687
I haven't even bonded with my baby
and I still love her more than you.
493
00:21:32,688 --> 00:21:35,207
You haven't bonded with the baby?
494
00:21:35,856 --> 00:21:36,575
Nope.
495
00:21:36,579 --> 00:21:39,058
Do you think you might have a
little post-natal depression?
496
00:21:39,885 --> 00:21:40,907
I don't know.
497
00:21:41,113 --> 00:21:42,768
No. I don't know.
498
00:21:43,666 --> 00:21:45,431
This is going to sound awful, but
499
00:21:45,762 --> 00:21:48,287
I just worry that I don't love
Muireann the way I love Frankie.
500
00:21:48,407 --> 00:21:50,492
Is that why you gave her a crazy name?
501
00:21:54,448 --> 00:21:57,687
Just the minute she
came out, she scared me.
502
00:21:57,688 --> 00:21:59,327
She looked like an alien.
503
00:21:59,391 --> 00:22:00,591
Frankie was beautiful.
504
00:22:00,608 --> 00:22:01,887
Even the day he was born,
505
00:22:01,888 --> 00:22:02,911
he was just this
506
00:22:03,215 --> 00:22:05,372
tiny, beautiful little being.
507
00:22:05,448 --> 00:22:07,150
He weighed four pounds.
508
00:22:07,211 --> 00:22:08,882
I mean, he was almost dark red.
509
00:22:08,938 --> 00:22:10,367
And he had a hairy back.
510
00:22:10,368 --> 00:22:11,647
He was a monster.
511
00:22:11,767 --> 00:22:13,164
I don't remember that.
512
00:22:14,905 --> 00:22:16,727
You don't think she seems...
513
00:22:17,025 --> 00:22:17,967
What?
514
00:22:17,968 --> 00:22:19,467
... manipulative?
515
00:22:20,328 --> 00:22:21,712
Like she's plotting something?
516
00:22:21,955 --> 00:22:23,790
I don't get that sense, no.
517
00:22:25,168 --> 00:22:27,063
You don't think you'll do anything, do you?
518
00:22:27,077 --> 00:22:28,030
No.
519
00:22:28,623 --> 00:22:29,472
OK.
520
00:22:29,482 --> 00:22:32,853
Well, what you're going
through isn't rare, so...
521
00:22:33,343 --> 00:22:34,887
- Oh, shit.
- What?
522
00:22:35,309 --> 00:22:37,840
- I forgot to bag up the dog.
- Oh, shit.
523
00:22:38,307 --> 00:22:41,247
- Are we going to bury him?
- I think I'll just throw her away.
524
00:22:41,367 --> 00:22:43,327
I mean, she's small enough.
525
00:22:43,736 --> 00:22:46,767
- She was a good dog.
- She was the best.
526
00:22:55,522 --> 00:22:59,288
BABY CRIES
527
00:23:52,128 --> 00:23:53,226
Everything OK, Rob?
528
00:23:53,346 --> 00:23:55,425
Oh, yeah, great.
529
00:23:55,505 --> 00:23:56,756
How are you?
530
00:23:57,079 --> 00:24:01,458
- synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
38500
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