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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,115 --> 00:00:03,467 I've never had casual sex with a sober person before! 2 00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:05,480 - I'm pregnant. - Did you just say "pregnant"? 3 00:00:05,520 --> 00:00:06,839 We're getting married. 4 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:08,905 I wouldn't have ordered this if it were on the menu 5 00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:10,359 but there was no menu. 6 00:00:10,360 --> 00:00:11,999 You gullible American prick! 7 00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:14,119 You fucking in-bred shrew! 8 00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:16,279 GLASS SMASHES 9 00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:18,126 - I'm so sorry. - My waters broke. 10 00:00:18,447 --> 00:00:20,640 - My water's broken, it's too early. - What?! 11 00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:26,782 Huh, I knew they were going to vote him out. 12 00:00:27,394 --> 00:00:30,482 Well, congratulations, you're a psychic of garbage. 13 00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:33,627 Why are we watching this? 14 00:00:34,817 --> 00:00:36,550 Cos Mad Men's finished and 15 00:00:36,585 --> 00:00:39,188 Game of Thrones isn't back on yet and there was nothing else. 16 00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:40,804 Well, let's watch that then, 17 00:00:40,834 --> 00:00:42,643 let's watch "nothing else". 18 00:00:44,568 --> 00:00:46,121 Let's have sex. 19 00:00:46,990 --> 00:00:49,488 - I'll have to put my mug down. - No. 20 00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:52,499 My old lady bra turns you on? 21 00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:53,730 Fuck, yeah, 22 00:00:53,783 --> 00:00:56,360 it's like being in bed with one of my aunt's friends. 23 00:00:56,607 --> 00:00:58,265 Feels dirty and wrong. 24 00:00:58,277 --> 00:01:00,383 SHE RETCHES 25 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:03,511 I just need to watch like 26 00:01:03,733 --> 00:01:06,020 the first two minutes of this next episode, 27 00:01:06,037 --> 00:01:07,923 cos I want to see what the hardest challenge is. 28 00:01:17,114 --> 00:01:19,413 Can you move your feet, that's really uncomfortable. 29 00:01:19,763 --> 00:01:20,966 No. 30 00:01:22,495 --> 00:01:24,660 Well, can you make your legs less heavy? 31 00:01:27,230 --> 00:01:28,874 Are you going to make me do it? 32 00:01:35,316 --> 00:01:37,084 Why did you move my legs like that? 33 00:01:37,807 --> 00:01:39,663 I'm sorry, I have a cramp. 34 00:01:39,721 --> 00:01:41,706 You didn't say that, you hurt me. 35 00:01:41,717 --> 00:01:42,949 I said it was uncomfortable, 36 00:01:42,955 --> 00:01:44,629 I didn't know I had to give you a diagnosis. 37 00:01:44,630 --> 00:01:46,929 I asked you to move them and you didn't move. 38 00:01:46,941 --> 00:01:48,575 That was just really aggressive! 39 00:01:48,581 --> 00:01:50,769 - It wasn't aggressive! - You're so aggressive! 40 00:01:50,833 --> 00:01:52,749 - I'm aggressive? - Aggressive! 41 00:01:52,750 --> 00:01:54,843 Aggressive... it was even aggressive 42 00:01:54,866 --> 00:01:56,585 the way you said that, Mark Wahlberg. 43 00:01:56,609 --> 00:01:58,829 I'm not aggressive. When have I ever been aggressive to you? 44 00:01:58,830 --> 00:02:01,043 Erm, just now, the way you moved my feet. 45 00:02:01,062 --> 00:02:03,098 I have a fucking cramp! 46 00:02:04,069 --> 00:02:05,839 Don't loom over me! 47 00:02:06,305 --> 00:02:07,705 Don't threaten me! 48 00:02:07,766 --> 00:02:08,438 What?! 49 00:02:08,466 --> 00:02:11,080 - Do you know what threaten means? - Yeah, and I felt threatened. 50 00:02:11,095 --> 00:02:12,645 You felt threatened? 51 00:02:12,664 --> 00:02:15,969 What are you a blogger? "I felt threatened... post." 52 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:17,831 Fucking Syrians are threatened. 53 00:02:17,878 --> 00:02:18,966 "I felt threatened." 54 00:02:18,984 --> 00:02:20,268 You live on a cream puff! 55 00:02:20,287 --> 00:02:23,278 You need to take a walk and just calm down. 56 00:02:23,512 --> 00:02:24,398 OK. 57 00:02:25,399 --> 00:02:26,090 Where are you going? 58 00:02:26,210 --> 00:02:28,195 - Out. - Out, what are you a teenager? 59 00:02:28,195 --> 00:02:30,982 - I'm going for a drive. - Bullshit, you're going to McDonald's. 60 00:02:30,996 --> 00:02:34,119 - Fine, take your purse and get out of my house. - This is my house. 61 00:02:34,147 --> 00:02:35,539 I bought this house. 62 00:02:35,659 --> 00:02:37,934 Fine, well, get off my rug 63 00:02:37,966 --> 00:02:39,334 that I bought in Amsterdam, 64 00:02:39,348 --> 00:02:42,299 where I had sex with a guy whose last name I didn't even learn. 65 00:02:42,327 --> 00:02:44,260 Oh, like, I haven't done that... 66 00:02:44,825 --> 00:02:46,124 ... with women. 67 00:02:57,903 --> 00:02:59,201 Where's the fucking car?! 68 00:03:07,820 --> 00:03:09,539 Yeah, nice try, Jason Bourne. 69 00:03:09,945 --> 00:03:11,392 Where's the car? 70 00:03:12,433 --> 00:03:14,301 - Sharon? - Maynold Street. 71 00:03:14,302 --> 00:03:15,365 You couldn't find anything closer? 72 00:03:15,380 --> 00:03:16,957 No, there were lots of spots closer 73 00:03:16,980 --> 00:03:19,151 but I had 11 shopping bags and I'm nine months pregnant, 74 00:03:19,174 --> 00:03:20,673 so I fancied the fucking walk! 75 00:03:20,710 --> 00:03:23,637 Well, I don't, so I'm going to sleep. 76 00:03:30,900 --> 00:03:32,104 Don't touch me. 77 00:03:32,487 --> 00:03:34,634 You come anywhere near me, I'm going to scream. 78 00:03:37,352 --> 00:03:39,406 Put your finger in my asshole. 79 00:03:40,032 --> 00:03:41,102 How? 80 00:03:41,386 --> 00:03:44,500 THEY GROAN AND BREATHE HEAVILY 81 00:03:47,946 --> 00:03:49,503 HE SCREAMS 82 00:03:49,811 --> 00:03:52,281 Hey, are you OK, darling? Come here, honey. 83 00:03:52,309 --> 00:03:54,429 I think I cut my effing eyebrow bone. 84 00:03:54,549 --> 00:03:58,028 - DOG BARKS - Get down, Mable! Get down, Mable. 85 00:04:01,255 --> 00:04:03,699 HE LAUGHS 86 00:04:04,449 --> 00:04:06,179 She's trying to bite the baby's toes again. 87 00:04:06,372 --> 00:04:09,247 She's not biting them, she's licking them and he likes it. 88 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:11,736 Just because he likes it doesn't mean we should allow it. 89 00:04:11,856 --> 00:04:13,300 That's how fetishes start. 90 00:04:13,739 --> 00:04:15,820 Do you want him to have to pay hookers 91 00:04:15,839 --> 00:04:16,991 to lick his feet? 92 00:04:16,992 --> 00:04:18,416 Let's not send him on that path. 93 00:04:18,631 --> 00:04:20,503 Every day, honey. 94 00:04:23,174 --> 00:04:25,250 - You OK? - Mhm, yeah, I think so. 95 00:04:25,266 --> 00:04:26,265 No baby today. 96 00:04:26,286 --> 00:04:27,481 - Are you sure? - Mhm. 97 00:04:27,547 --> 00:04:28,896 OK, I'm going to go. 98 00:04:29,255 --> 00:04:31,758 Oh, what are we going to do about my mum? 99 00:04:31,824 --> 00:04:33,037 Well, let's just tell her no, 100 00:04:33,047 --> 00:04:34,172 because we've got a baby on the way. 101 00:04:34,195 --> 00:04:35,843 She claims to want to help with the baby. 102 00:04:35,862 --> 00:04:37,193 Well, we know that's not true. 103 00:04:37,258 --> 00:04:38,972 She's going to make me take her places, 104 00:04:39,038 --> 00:04:41,185 she's going to make me take her to the M&M store in 105 00:04:41,250 --> 00:04:42,525 fucking Leicester Square. 106 00:04:42,567 --> 00:04:44,360 Like they don't have M&Ms in America! 107 00:04:44,374 --> 00:04:46,871 Well, you tell me where you don't want to take her 108 00:04:46,885 --> 00:04:49,158 - and I'll tell her it burnt down. - Our house... 109 00:04:49,278 --> 00:04:51,142 tell her our house burnt down. 110 00:04:51,262 --> 00:04:52,393 OK! 111 00:04:53,289 --> 00:04:55,058 Bring me back a surprise. 112 00:04:58,900 --> 00:05:01,268 And as the fungus grows it takes over 113 00:05:01,287 --> 00:05:04,461 the ant's central nervous system, manipulating its behaviour. 114 00:05:04,648 --> 00:05:06,791 It then kills the ant and a stalk 115 00:05:06,796 --> 00:05:08,201 emerges from the skull, which 116 00:05:08,224 --> 00:05:10,423 explodes, spreading the fungus much further, 117 00:05:10,442 --> 00:05:13,491 creating armies of, for want of a better term, 118 00:05:13,611 --> 00:05:14,943 zombie ants. 119 00:05:16,774 --> 00:05:18,526 And this, in a sense, 120 00:05:18,529 --> 00:05:21,083 is what Brayban is seeking to do with our takeover of Nyromax. 121 00:05:21,144 --> 00:05:22,139 PHONE RINGS 122 00:05:22,140 --> 00:05:23,859 - Can you see what I'm getting at here? - Shit! 123 00:05:23,979 --> 00:05:26,862 Sorry, I'm going to take this. 124 00:05:27,044 --> 00:05:28,949 Did anyone else see that documentary? 125 00:05:28,972 --> 00:05:30,041 It was disgusting! 126 00:05:30,797 --> 00:05:32,207 I think the baby's coming. 127 00:05:32,506 --> 00:05:33,855 Yeah, I think it's coming. 128 00:05:34,322 --> 00:05:35,659 Hoooh! 129 00:05:35,660 --> 00:05:37,619 - You can't keep doing that. - Twice. 130 00:05:37,814 --> 00:05:40,316 I've done it twice and this time I genuinely 131 00:05:40,321 --> 00:05:42,193 felt really lonely and bored. 132 00:05:43,435 --> 00:05:44,817 Did you check in on Frankie? 133 00:05:44,937 --> 00:05:47,379 - His little bum's still up in the air? - Way up there. 134 00:05:47,499 --> 00:05:49,098 I gave it a little polish. 135 00:05:49,164 --> 00:05:51,099 God, his little bum's too much. 136 00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:53,253 Even his penis is cute... 137 00:05:53,420 --> 00:05:55,722 - his little penis! - I love his little penis. 138 00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:58,539 You don't think it's little, little though, do you? 139 00:05:58,659 --> 00:06:01,063 No, it's huge for a baby penis. 140 00:06:01,063 --> 00:06:02,179 Is it? 141 00:06:02,398 --> 00:06:04,751 I'd hate if he had a small penis, is that bad? 142 00:06:04,784 --> 00:06:07,711 No, all mums want their sons to have a big penis. 143 00:06:08,117 --> 00:06:10,321 You want your son's penis to inspire respect 144 00:06:10,441 --> 00:06:12,651 - and a tiny bit of fear. - No, 145 00:06:13,085 --> 00:06:15,186 I just want it to be big enough so he doesn't have to worry. 146 00:06:15,191 --> 00:06:17,338 I don't want him to be a folk legend or 147 00:06:17,628 --> 00:06:20,336 have to put out ads for women with big pussies. 148 00:06:20,456 --> 00:06:22,871 Yeah, I don't want him to have to roam from city to city, 149 00:06:22,885 --> 00:06:25,154 using rural highways, searching for women 150 00:06:25,168 --> 00:06:26,821 who can handle his freakish penis. 151 00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:30,499 HE WHISTLES 152 00:06:30,915 --> 00:06:33,983 Oh, he asked me to itch his bum earlier. 153 00:06:34,103 --> 00:06:36,060 - Yeah? - But he meant inside it! 154 00:06:36,074 --> 00:06:39,413 He parted his butt cheeks and he asked me to itch it in it. 155 00:06:39,436 --> 00:06:41,425 - What did you say? - I said no 156 00:06:41,545 --> 00:06:42,592 but I felt bad. 157 00:06:42,712 --> 00:06:45,104 It's OK to say no when people ask you to do stuff 158 00:06:45,140 --> 00:06:47,009 to their private parts that you don't want to do... 159 00:06:47,129 --> 00:06:48,432 unless it's me. 160 00:06:49,020 --> 00:06:50,272 I've got to get back to work. 161 00:06:58,890 --> 00:07:00,856 If we were to get Radiohead 162 00:07:00,856 --> 00:07:03,195 it would be the first time they've allowed one of their tracks 163 00:07:03,209 --> 00:07:06,435 to be used in a pharmaceutical ad targeted at children. 164 00:07:06,458 --> 00:07:07,541 What about Coldplay? 165 00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:08,526 TEXT MESSAGE ALERT 166 00:07:08,797 --> 00:07:11,155 - _ - Obviously, I've tried Coldplay 167 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:13,349 but, you know, 168 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:16,547 people can't buy the drug if they fall asleep during the commercial. 169 00:07:16,575 --> 00:07:17,905 THEY SNIGGER 170 00:07:19,501 --> 00:07:21,820 Why would people fall asleep listening to Coldplay? 171 00:07:24,334 --> 00:07:25,699 Well, we could try Maroon 5. 172 00:07:26,481 --> 00:07:28,610 ANSWER PHONE: You have one new message. 173 00:07:28,872 --> 00:07:32,004 Where the fuck are you? The baby's coming! 174 00:07:32,064 --> 00:07:34,062 Fucking hell, where are you? 175 00:07:42,990 --> 00:07:45,908 No, no, no, this is my lift! 176 00:07:47,540 --> 00:07:49,060 SHE SCREAMS 177 00:07:49,180 --> 00:07:52,517 I'm so sorry! I thought you just wanted me to keep you company again. 178 00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:55,194 Get them to cut it out of me, Rob! Caesarean me, please! 179 00:07:55,216 --> 00:07:57,659 - It's not too late! - It is too late, you're crowning. 180 00:07:57,660 --> 00:08:00,993 - Push it back in and cut it out! - Is it definitely too late? 181 00:08:01,036 --> 00:08:01,861 Yes, it is. 182 00:08:01,905 --> 00:08:05,771 I told you last time I wasn't doing this again! I don't like this. 183 00:08:06,483 --> 00:08:09,354 - Nurse, she doesn't like this. - Is it out yet? 184 00:08:09,540 --> 00:08:13,223 Oh, God! Oh, no, am I shitting myself now? 185 00:08:13,404 --> 00:08:15,119 Barely. 186 00:08:21,980 --> 00:08:24,059 MUSIC: "Pop Music" by R Stevie Moore 187 00:08:24,335 --> 00:08:30,573 ♪ If you see a change, yes it's true ♪ 188 00:08:32,861 --> 00:08:36,860 ♪ I'm a useful man in these shoes ♪ 189 00:08:41,822 --> 00:08:45,382 Oh, fuck you, Craftmaster69! 190 00:08:45,441 --> 00:08:47,623 Whenever it's Hummel figurines, 191 00:08:47,647 --> 00:08:50,319 this piece of shit always outbids me! 192 00:08:50,940 --> 00:08:52,499 HE GIGGLES 193 00:08:52,500 --> 00:08:53,973 Do you eBay? 194 00:08:55,572 --> 00:08:57,393 Oh, Karen... 195 00:08:57,732 --> 00:08:59,259 Are you going to cap it at two, then? 196 00:08:59,260 --> 00:09:01,519 - Cap it? - No, I'm going to cut it off. 197 00:09:01,639 --> 00:09:02,855 I'm going to get snipped. 198 00:09:03,025 --> 00:09:05,499 Don't say that. What if it doesn't work out with Sharon and you meet 199 00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:07,019 a younger woman and she wants kids? 200 00:09:07,020 --> 00:09:08,859 That's exactly why I want to do it, 201 00:09:08,860 --> 00:09:11,859 to remove the possibility of that nightmare ever happening. 202 00:09:11,860 --> 00:09:14,099 I'm going to be a husband and a dad once, 203 00:09:14,100 --> 00:09:16,460 I'm going to do a good job and then I'm going to die. 204 00:09:16,496 --> 00:09:18,077 Amen to that. 205 00:09:18,620 --> 00:09:19,857 What about you? 206 00:09:19,977 --> 00:09:21,917 I'm going to keep going till I have a boy. 207 00:09:21,964 --> 00:09:23,977 I'd be a great father to a son. 208 00:09:24,788 --> 00:09:26,899 How do you guys not get pregnant? 209 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,020 Same way I don't get the postman pregnant. 210 00:09:29,621 --> 00:09:32,099 Fran and I haven't fucked in just over two years. 211 00:09:32,100 --> 00:09:34,039 Why, man, can you not... ? 212 00:09:34,159 --> 00:09:36,957 Yeah, but it doesn't get quite big or hard enough 213 00:09:36,980 --> 00:09:38,900 to bridge the fucking gulf 214 00:09:38,923 --> 00:09:40,663 that's opened up between us. 215 00:09:40,966 --> 00:09:43,913 It would take at least ten very hard, 216 00:09:44,228 --> 00:09:46,446 very long penises. 217 00:09:46,566 --> 00:09:49,014 I could walk across them like a tightrope, maybe, and 218 00:09:49,043 --> 00:09:51,419 I don't know, throw a handful of jizm at her. 219 00:09:51,420 --> 00:09:53,461 Isn't that what Elton John does? 220 00:09:54,650 --> 00:09:56,019 Where is Fran today? 221 00:09:56,535 --> 00:09:59,594 We're not currently attending any public engagements together. 222 00:10:00,492 --> 00:10:03,217 Barometrically, we combine to create an atmosphere 223 00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:04,787 that is somewhat shitty. 224 00:10:05,020 --> 00:10:07,040 We flipped a coin for this one... 225 00:10:07,308 --> 00:10:08,907 I lost. 226 00:10:10,803 --> 00:10:12,601 - No offence. - Ah, 227 00:10:12,869 --> 00:10:15,262 it seems like only ten minutes ago we were sharing one bedroom 228 00:10:15,300 --> 00:10:16,698 and a dildo above a Chicken Cottage. 229 00:10:16,721 --> 00:10:19,143 - We never shared a dildo. - That's what you think. 230 00:10:19,428 --> 00:10:22,014 THEY LAUGH 231 00:10:22,265 --> 00:10:24,827 Oh, my God, I'm going to wet myself. 232 00:10:26,502 --> 00:10:30,538 - It's OK, I'm wearing a nappy. - Oh, God, you've got it all now. 233 00:10:30,584 --> 00:10:33,465 Yeah, got two kids and a dog now, 234 00:10:33,585 --> 00:10:35,973 it's what I always wanted... apparently. 235 00:10:36,031 --> 00:10:38,373 Rob, he's looking a little tired, 236 00:10:38,409 --> 00:10:41,068 you might want to give him a teeny break from Frankie. 237 00:10:42,293 --> 00:10:45,859 You know, I just realised who she reminds me of, 238 00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:47,349 Rob's father. 239 00:10:47,469 --> 00:10:48,960 - Aww. - To give you some context, 240 00:10:48,981 --> 00:10:50,868 you know the actor Gene Wilder? 241 00:10:51,580 --> 00:10:54,419 My baby doesn't look like Gene Wilder! 242 00:10:55,677 --> 00:10:59,353 You know, I still have trouble with the name, how do you say it? 243 00:10:59,473 --> 00:11:00,579 Moron? 244 00:11:00,580 --> 00:11:01,810 Moirin. 245 00:11:02,131 --> 00:11:03,596 Maury. 246 00:11:03,958 --> 00:11:05,340 Moirin. 247 00:11:05,341 --> 00:11:06,257 I get it, 248 00:11:06,642 --> 00:11:08,551 in America we said Myrin. 249 00:11:08,566 --> 00:11:11,060 You know, people probably tried to say it your way 250 00:11:11,065 --> 00:11:13,207 but when they got to Ellis Island, 251 00:11:13,271 --> 00:11:15,739 they just changed it Myrin. 252 00:11:16,270 --> 00:11:18,306 So, I think it's Myrin. 253 00:11:21,714 --> 00:11:23,716 How long has your mother-in-law been here? 254 00:11:23,768 --> 00:11:25,779 Oh, just three weeks. 255 00:11:25,963 --> 00:11:29,511 Yeah, she was supposed to leave on Tuesday but she mislaid her passport. 256 00:11:29,581 --> 00:11:32,470 It's fine, though, cos she's been doing a lot of babysitting 257 00:11:32,488 --> 00:11:35,120 and I'm kidding, she's fucking useless! 258 00:11:36,374 --> 00:11:38,859 - You OK? - Oh, yeah, I'm terrific. 259 00:11:39,286 --> 00:11:41,364 - Where's your mum? - She's in the toilet. 260 00:11:41,591 --> 00:11:44,649 She's scared of your mum, so she's hiding in our toilet. 261 00:11:46,319 --> 00:11:47,562 Why did we do this? 262 00:11:47,626 --> 00:11:50,899 Cos it knocks out all our visitors in one terrible afternoon. 263 00:11:50,900 --> 00:11:52,271 Oh, yeah. 264 00:11:52,948 --> 00:11:55,119 Do you want me to take Moirin? 265 00:11:55,656 --> 00:11:57,051 Why do you do that? 266 00:11:57,295 --> 00:11:59,974 Why do you pause before you say her name? 267 00:11:59,998 --> 00:12:01,030 I don't. 268 00:12:01,614 --> 00:12:02,619 Do I? 269 00:12:03,067 --> 00:12:05,219 I mean, I don't know. 270 00:12:05,564 --> 00:12:07,268 I want to get rid of that dog! 271 00:12:07,315 --> 00:12:09,042 I'm so glad you said that. 272 00:12:09,065 --> 00:12:10,151 Why did we get her? 273 00:12:10,162 --> 00:12:11,353 Because that bitch from the shelter 274 00:12:11,364 --> 00:12:12,625 told us they were going to have her put down 275 00:12:12,643 --> 00:12:14,067 after we'd already tickled her belly, 276 00:12:14,108 --> 00:12:16,139 which is basically entrapment. 277 00:12:16,140 --> 00:12:20,140 HE TAPS HIS GLASS 278 00:12:21,217 --> 00:12:24,724 - Dad, you don't need to... - Just a little toast 279 00:12:24,952 --> 00:12:27,624 to the newest member of the family and 280 00:12:28,202 --> 00:12:29,638 fair play to Sharon, 281 00:12:29,679 --> 00:12:31,325 she never gave up hope. 282 00:12:31,902 --> 00:12:34,645 She watched each and every one of her peers up 283 00:12:34,656 --> 00:12:36,539 and leave the disco to settle down. 284 00:12:36,921 --> 00:12:39,170 Even her baby brother beat her to the punch. 285 00:12:39,290 --> 00:12:41,869 For a long time we thought, that's it, 286 00:12:42,225 --> 00:12:43,620 she's missed her chance 287 00:12:43,924 --> 00:12:46,351 but she'd always have her career, 288 00:12:46,661 --> 00:12:48,983 which she would explain to us was her baby. 289 00:12:49,479 --> 00:12:51,428 You hear a woman say that and then you 290 00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:53,049 watch her features harden, 291 00:12:53,055 --> 00:12:55,716 her rump widen and you then you think, "That's it now, 292 00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:58,099 she's out to pasture." 293 00:12:58,100 --> 00:12:59,498 Then Rob came along, 294 00:13:00,222 --> 00:13:02,340 broken in his own way 295 00:13:02,375 --> 00:13:04,701 and when Sharon and Rob began their journey 296 00:13:04,724 --> 00:13:07,718 we all thought it had as much chance of lasting 297 00:13:07,729 --> 00:13:09,276 as a fart in a storm. 298 00:13:09,396 --> 00:13:12,305 Not one single person thought it would last... 299 00:13:12,357 --> 00:13:14,178 least of all your mother. 300 00:13:15,438 --> 00:13:17,259 They proved us all wrong. 301 00:13:17,260 --> 00:13:21,260 And here we are amongst a growing family and 302 00:13:21,735 --> 00:13:22,867 it's wonderful! 303 00:13:23,865 --> 00:13:25,441 Just wonderful. 304 00:13:26,300 --> 00:13:28,050 To Bridget and Rob. 305 00:13:30,700 --> 00:13:33,110 Who the fuck is Bridget? 306 00:13:37,797 --> 00:13:39,372 Bridget and Rob. 307 00:13:39,492 --> 00:13:43,032 - Westmeath. It's a lovely... - How far is that from Dublin? 308 00:13:43,102 --> 00:13:45,868 - Well, about 40 miles down... - Riverdance. 309 00:13:45,988 --> 00:13:47,561 Is that Westmeath? 310 00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:50,695 - No, I don't think... - He is Irish, right? 311 00:13:50,753 --> 00:13:54,827 - Yes. - You know, when I saw him dance, I wept... 312 00:13:56,146 --> 00:13:58,124 ... in my panties. 313 00:13:58,381 --> 00:14:03,062 You know, I would love to visit you in Dublin. Should I? 314 00:14:03,072 --> 00:14:05,704 - I mean, I have an open-ended ticket, so... - Really? 315 00:14:06,463 --> 00:14:08,126 I should clear away. 316 00:14:09,314 --> 00:14:11,531 Mum, you don't need to worry about that. 317 00:14:11,555 --> 00:14:13,125 Well, somebody has to. 318 00:14:15,436 --> 00:14:16,685 Sha... 319 00:14:17,467 --> 00:14:19,649 Is the baby OK? There's blood in this nappy? 320 00:14:19,684 --> 00:14:20,478 Huh? 321 00:14:20,688 --> 00:14:22,861 Oh, that's fine. It's one of mine. 322 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:24,181 BABY CRIES ON MONITOR 323 00:14:24,182 --> 00:14:26,319 Can you keep an eye on Frankie for a minute? 324 00:14:26,342 --> 00:14:28,333 - I'm going to go check on Muireann. - OK. 325 00:14:28,922 --> 00:14:30,147 Because she's crying. 326 00:14:30,451 --> 00:14:31,595 OK. 327 00:14:33,162 --> 00:14:34,498 Rob. 328 00:14:34,807 --> 00:14:36,972 Do you think it's a bad time for me to pop to Ikea? 329 00:14:46,158 --> 00:14:48,101 Rob's mum seems really nice. 330 00:14:48,358 --> 00:14:50,692 Yeah, she's one of humanity's brightest lights. 331 00:14:50,848 --> 00:14:53,651 I'm really glad she's here and I hope she never leaves. 332 00:14:53,888 --> 00:14:55,728 So what's going on with Dad? 333 00:14:55,763 --> 00:14:57,927 Have you changed your name to Bridget and I don't know about it? 334 00:14:57,928 --> 00:14:59,818 No, I don't know what's wrong with him. 335 00:14:59,830 --> 00:15:01,247 He's had five cans of stout maybe. 336 00:15:01,248 --> 00:15:04,177 I mean, is he losing it? Cos I would have put money on Mum to go first. 337 00:15:04,212 --> 00:15:06,487 Fergal... ! Maybe... I can't... 338 00:15:06,950 --> 00:15:08,247 My tits are leaking. 339 00:15:08,248 --> 00:15:10,306 Three people in this house wear nappies, 340 00:15:10,329 --> 00:15:12,237 I'm one of them. I have to keep babies alive. 341 00:15:12,247 --> 00:15:14,254 So I'm going to be able to think about other people in about 342 00:15:14,288 --> 00:15:16,869 - six months or so. Can you deal with it? - Yeah. 343 00:15:16,989 --> 00:15:19,656 - Yeah, I'll fix his dementia. - Thank you. 344 00:15:36,035 --> 00:15:37,319 Where's Frankie? 345 00:15:39,888 --> 00:15:41,591 - TOILET FLUSHES - Where's Frankie? 346 00:15:41,614 --> 00:15:43,430 - What do you mean? - What do I mean? Where's your son? 347 00:15:43,448 --> 00:15:44,929 - The front door was open. - Oh, I... 348 00:15:44,980 --> 00:15:46,600 Honey, wake up. I asked you to watch him. 349 00:15:46,614 --> 00:15:47,693 - I was... - What?! 350 00:15:47,693 --> 00:15:48,678 I don't know. 351 00:15:48,734 --> 00:15:49,863 - Where's Frankie? - What? 352 00:15:49,887 --> 00:15:51,792 - Where's the baby?! - Frankie! 353 00:15:51,862 --> 00:15:53,034 Frankie! 354 00:15:53,323 --> 00:15:55,087 Frankie! 355 00:15:55,456 --> 00:15:57,786 Somebody's had an accident. 356 00:15:57,833 --> 00:15:59,047 He's there! 357 00:15:59,388 --> 00:16:01,722 He's crapped himself. 358 00:16:02,408 --> 00:16:05,107 Jesus Christ, you nearly gave me a heart attack. 359 00:16:05,125 --> 00:16:07,851 Can't a grandmother spend time with her grandson? 360 00:16:07,852 --> 00:16:09,934 Mia! You've been here three weeks 361 00:16:09,962 --> 00:16:12,440 - and you've barely registered his existence. - Oh, please. 362 00:16:12,441 --> 00:16:15,616 This is the first day since I got here that you haven't slept till 11. 363 00:16:15,736 --> 00:16:18,785 - What?! - You treat Rob like a hired hand. 364 00:16:18,804 --> 00:16:20,022 Knock it off, Mom. 365 00:16:20,142 --> 00:16:22,680 I think you might be more comfortable in a hotel. 366 00:16:22,717 --> 00:16:26,443 Well, probably. At least there I'd get clean sheets now and then. 367 00:16:26,462 --> 00:16:28,974 - Don't be an asshole, Mom. - Oh, she's not an arsehole. 368 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,266 She's a haemorrhoid on an arsehole. 369 00:16:31,275 --> 00:16:33,694 You are a malevolent haemorrhoid of a woman... 370 00:16:33,728 --> 00:16:36,229 And you can take it down a few notches too, all right?! 371 00:16:36,261 --> 00:16:38,648 Your parents have been here 25 times in the last three months, 372 00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:40,240 and any complaints I've had which, 373 00:16:40,249 --> 00:16:41,720 by the way, Carole, have been barely any, 374 00:16:41,730 --> 00:16:43,224 I've delivered to you in private. 375 00:16:43,224 --> 00:16:45,319 I haven't nailed them to the church door. 376 00:16:47,182 --> 00:16:48,414 Where's Muireann? 377 00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:50,198 - Where's Muireann?! - She's upstairs, 378 00:16:50,230 --> 00:16:51,146 but even if she wasn't, 379 00:16:51,169 --> 00:16:52,458 I couldn't call out her name, 380 00:16:52,477 --> 00:16:53,538 cos I can't pronounce it. 381 00:16:53,564 --> 00:16:55,292 - Oh, don't be ridiculous. - Please, 382 00:16:55,315 --> 00:16:56,347 anyone, help me out here. 383 00:16:56,384 --> 00:16:58,013 Can anyone pronounce my baby's name? 384 00:16:58,051 --> 00:16:59,036 IRISH FAMILY: Muireann. 385 00:16:59,050 --> 00:17:00,792 Not you people, the other people. 386 00:17:01,441 --> 00:17:02,807 - Maurieh... - Maudien... 387 00:17:03,093 --> 00:17:04,377 Myrehn. 388 00:17:04,629 --> 00:17:06,660 Well, that is... 389 00:17:07,215 --> 00:17:08,046 That's... 390 00:17:08,504 --> 00:17:10,936 Just keep the fucking front door shut. 391 00:17:22,528 --> 00:17:23,542 Sorry. 392 00:17:23,948 --> 00:17:25,527 - Are you OK? - No. 393 00:17:25,737 --> 00:17:27,441 Will you ask everyone to leave? 394 00:17:27,561 --> 00:17:28,328 No. 395 00:17:29,248 --> 00:17:30,877 If they're still here in an hour, will you? 396 00:17:30,997 --> 00:17:31,848 Yes. 397 00:17:32,408 --> 00:17:34,859 I'm sorry I freaked out. 398 00:17:35,808 --> 00:17:37,768 Can you really not pronounce her name? 399 00:17:38,286 --> 00:17:40,378 It's not like some African tribal language 400 00:17:40,383 --> 00:17:42,386 with clicks in it. It's just Irish. 401 00:17:42,506 --> 00:17:43,661 It's just easy. 402 00:17:43,698 --> 00:17:46,061 I'll get it. I will get there. 403 00:17:46,686 --> 00:17:50,403 - Mww... erehn is a beautiful name. - SHE CHUCKLES 404 00:17:53,648 --> 00:17:55,815 Sorry I called your mother a haemorrhoid. 405 00:17:55,888 --> 00:17:57,207 It's OK. 406 00:17:57,208 --> 00:17:58,914 I mean, best-case scenario, 407 00:17:58,914 --> 00:18:00,651 she's so upset that she leaves. 408 00:18:00,964 --> 00:18:03,532 Worst-case scenario, she kills herself 409 00:18:03,588 --> 00:18:05,292 and I can finally be free. 410 00:18:08,648 --> 00:18:11,123 Oh, for God's sake. 411 00:18:12,568 --> 00:18:14,369 - Rob! - (Oh, Christ.) 412 00:18:14,489 --> 00:18:16,442 - Hey, Dave! - Is this yours? 413 00:18:16,562 --> 00:18:19,649 - Yeah, I think... - OK, because 414 00:18:19,714 --> 00:18:21,470 I found it next to that. 415 00:18:24,192 --> 00:18:25,378 Oh, Christ. 416 00:18:25,406 --> 00:18:27,717 Aw, shit, man. Your wee doggy's been hit. 417 00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:33,937 Excuse me. 418 00:18:34,828 --> 00:18:35,982 Hey, Des, 419 00:18:36,453 --> 00:18:38,564 - what are you doing out here? - Oh... 420 00:18:40,511 --> 00:18:41,421 Just... 421 00:18:41,963 --> 00:18:43,126 looking at the house. 422 00:18:43,246 --> 00:18:46,407 It's a lovely house when you look at it from this angle. 423 00:18:46,940 --> 00:18:47,696 Yeah... 424 00:18:48,195 --> 00:18:49,456 Do you want to come back inside? 425 00:18:49,688 --> 00:18:50,884 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 426 00:18:53,848 --> 00:18:56,146 You go in, man. I'll find somewhere to stash it. 427 00:18:56,318 --> 00:18:57,425 Thanks. 428 00:19:02,888 --> 00:19:04,512 What's happened to your dog? 429 00:19:06,928 --> 00:19:08,298 To everything 430 00:19:08,583 --> 00:19:10,371 there is a season. 431 00:19:12,608 --> 00:19:14,139 OK, three, 432 00:19:14,676 --> 00:19:16,608 two, one... 433 00:19:16,888 --> 00:19:18,447 Tah-dah! 434 00:19:18,448 --> 00:19:20,123 - What the hell? - THEY CHUCKLE 435 00:19:20,945 --> 00:19:22,220 Where did you get that photo? 436 00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:24,260 Rob texted it to me right after she was born. 437 00:19:24,302 --> 00:19:26,328 That's my areola. You can see my veins. 438 00:19:26,328 --> 00:19:28,127 Well, it's perfectly natural. 439 00:19:28,128 --> 00:19:31,198 I don't know if it is, on a cake. 440 00:19:31,488 --> 00:19:34,157 ♪ Baby faces... ♪ 441 00:19:34,587 --> 00:19:35,703 Everybody! 442 00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:38,287 You looking after this big fella, then? 443 00:19:38,288 --> 00:19:40,428 - Oh, I'm fine. - He's fine. 444 00:19:40,899 --> 00:19:42,927 I'm going to give you a piece of advice. 445 00:19:42,928 --> 00:19:44,736 After your brother was born, 446 00:19:44,808 --> 00:19:47,607 and your father and I had a bit of a rough patch, 447 00:19:47,608 --> 00:19:49,074 we decided 448 00:19:49,125 --> 00:19:51,847 that we had to put our love for each other above everything else, 449 00:19:51,848 --> 00:19:53,743 because we were man and wife 450 00:19:53,785 --> 00:19:55,582 before we were mother and father. 451 00:19:56,008 --> 00:19:57,038 Right. 452 00:19:57,158 --> 00:19:59,069 So you chose to love Dad more than us. 453 00:19:59,247 --> 00:20:00,371 Oh, no, 454 00:20:00,689 --> 00:20:02,234 just to love him first. 455 00:20:02,715 --> 00:20:04,746 It's the same with me and Melandra. 456 00:20:05,808 --> 00:20:07,727 SHE CHUCKLES 457 00:20:08,228 --> 00:20:10,110 Where's the dog? 458 00:20:10,568 --> 00:20:12,407 SHE CLICKS 459 00:20:12,408 --> 00:20:14,587 Mabel? Mabel?! 460 00:20:14,620 --> 00:20:16,727 - SHE CRIES - I'm sorry, honey. 461 00:20:16,728 --> 00:20:18,538 I'm not crying about the dog. 462 00:20:18,902 --> 00:20:20,242 Then why are you crying? 463 00:20:20,756 --> 00:20:22,548 Everyone's still here. 464 00:20:22,716 --> 00:20:24,644 Why won't they leave? 465 00:20:24,764 --> 00:20:26,544 - Well... - And in case you haven't noticed, 466 00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:30,088 my dad's losing his fucking marbles. He left the door open, 467 00:20:30,107 --> 00:20:30,985 - the dog's dead. - TOILET FLUSHES 468 00:20:31,018 --> 00:20:33,207 It could have been Frankie. 469 00:20:34,288 --> 00:20:36,779 I'm sorry I left the door open. 470 00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:39,903 No, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 471 00:20:39,941 --> 00:20:42,531 Please don't worry. We were going to have her put down anyway. 472 00:20:43,168 --> 00:20:45,197 I'm just glad you're here. 473 00:20:46,723 --> 00:20:49,127 Tried to find a bit of the cake without your nipple on it. 474 00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:51,106 Harder than it sounds. 475 00:20:54,225 --> 00:20:57,567 I think it may have been irresponsible for us to procreate. 476 00:20:57,968 --> 00:20:59,007 OK... 477 00:20:59,008 --> 00:21:00,487 You're an alcoholic, 478 00:21:00,671 --> 00:21:02,529 your mother's a card-carrying sadist, 479 00:21:02,553 --> 00:21:04,167 my dad can't remember my name, 480 00:21:04,168 --> 00:21:06,857 Fergal... Well, nothing's been diagnosed, but 481 00:21:06,923 --> 00:21:08,921 there's obviously a few things wrong there... 482 00:21:09,547 --> 00:21:10,457 It's not looking good. 483 00:21:10,499 --> 00:21:12,999 - Thank God you're so normal. - SHE CHUCKLES 484 00:21:13,728 --> 00:21:16,007 I had to think about what my mother was saying, 485 00:21:16,270 --> 00:21:18,127 about loving each other more than the kids... 486 00:21:18,128 --> 00:21:19,730 I think there's something wrong with her. 487 00:21:19,767 --> 00:21:20,766 OK, good. 488 00:21:20,818 --> 00:21:22,087 I was worried it was just me. 489 00:21:22,559 --> 00:21:25,057 I just think if you don't love the kids more than me 490 00:21:25,177 --> 00:21:28,083 - then you're not fit to be a mother. - Of course I love them more than you. 491 00:21:28,203 --> 00:21:29,727 I'm not a sociopath. 492 00:21:29,978 --> 00:21:32,687 I haven't even bonded with my baby and I still love her more than you. 493 00:21:32,688 --> 00:21:35,207 You haven't bonded with the baby? 494 00:21:35,856 --> 00:21:36,575 Nope. 495 00:21:36,579 --> 00:21:39,058 Do you think you might have a little post-natal depression? 496 00:21:39,885 --> 00:21:40,907 I don't know. 497 00:21:41,113 --> 00:21:42,768 No. I don't know. 498 00:21:43,666 --> 00:21:45,431 This is going to sound awful, but 499 00:21:45,762 --> 00:21:48,287 I just worry that I don't love Muireann the way I love Frankie. 500 00:21:48,407 --> 00:21:50,492 Is that why you gave her a crazy name? 501 00:21:54,448 --> 00:21:57,687 Just the minute she came out, she scared me. 502 00:21:57,688 --> 00:21:59,327 She looked like an alien. 503 00:21:59,391 --> 00:22:00,591 Frankie was beautiful. 504 00:22:00,608 --> 00:22:01,887 Even the day he was born, 505 00:22:01,888 --> 00:22:02,911 he was just this 506 00:22:03,215 --> 00:22:05,372 tiny, beautiful little being. 507 00:22:05,448 --> 00:22:07,150 He weighed four pounds. 508 00:22:07,211 --> 00:22:08,882 I mean, he was almost dark red. 509 00:22:08,938 --> 00:22:10,367 And he had a hairy back. 510 00:22:10,368 --> 00:22:11,647 He was a monster. 511 00:22:11,767 --> 00:22:13,164 I don't remember that. 512 00:22:14,905 --> 00:22:16,727 You don't think she seems... 513 00:22:17,025 --> 00:22:17,967 What? 514 00:22:17,968 --> 00:22:19,467 ... manipulative? 515 00:22:20,328 --> 00:22:21,712 Like she's plotting something? 516 00:22:21,955 --> 00:22:23,790 I don't get that sense, no. 517 00:22:25,168 --> 00:22:27,063 You don't think you'll do anything, do you? 518 00:22:27,077 --> 00:22:28,030 No. 519 00:22:28,623 --> 00:22:29,472 OK. 520 00:22:29,482 --> 00:22:32,853 Well, what you're going through isn't rare, so... 521 00:22:33,343 --> 00:22:34,887 - Oh, shit. - What? 522 00:22:35,309 --> 00:22:37,840 - I forgot to bag up the dog. - Oh, shit. 523 00:22:38,307 --> 00:22:41,247 - Are we going to bury him? - I think I'll just throw her away. 524 00:22:41,367 --> 00:22:43,327 I mean, she's small enough. 525 00:22:43,736 --> 00:22:46,767 - She was a good dog. - She was the best. 526 00:22:55,522 --> 00:22:59,288 BABY CRIES 527 00:23:52,128 --> 00:23:53,226 Everything OK, Rob? 528 00:23:53,346 --> 00:23:55,425 Oh, yeah, great. 529 00:23:55,505 --> 00:23:56,756 How are you? 530 00:23:57,079 --> 00:24:01,458 - synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com - 38500

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