Original subtitles

Nothing.

- Hello? Is this U.N.C.L.E.? - Yes, it is.

Believe me, Mr. Solo, this is not a prank. I...

You're on, Miss Osborne.

Uh, miss. Uh, where can we find Miss, uh, Osborne?

Well, she left, about a minute ago.

- Uh, where did she go? - Why, to Purdy's. To wait for the reviews.

Where's Purdy?

Well, if, um, you got a car, I'll take you there.

I got them. I got them.

Come on, gather around, everybody. Come on.

Come, I got the reviews. Come on, come on. Come on, honey, come on.

Okay, quiet down, quiet down. Come on.

Shh. Let's see what they have to say about an instant hit, huh?

Who's that?

Uh, that's Winky Blintz. He's our director and star.

- Winky Blintz. - Blintz, Blintz.

Here's Mr. Dreston:

"If you think the opening scene of The In-Out Show...

is pretentiously obtuse, you should just be patient."

- Do you see Miss Osborne? - Shh.

"For once it gets going, it swings downhill with all the pace and deftness...

of an Alpine glacier."

Fascist.

- Please. It's important. - What?

Oh, Miss Osborne. Um.

I don't see her. I know she's here. Oh, she probably went to the powder room.

Well, we have to see her immediately. So, uh, would you mind?

Let's see what the first...

I might as well. I don't have anything else to do.

Things certainly don't look too promising around here.

Ah, Paul Hastenbrook, there's a critic for you.

"Last night at the New Wave Theater, The In-Out Show went on...

and on and on and on."

The reviews aren't exactly boffo, are they?

"Boffo"?

Yes, that's "box office" to foreigners.

Whatever she wanted to tell us...

I guess we'll have to find it out for ourselves.

The police are convinced it was suicide, eh?

Well, I suppose Miss Osborne wouldn't be the first actress...

to take her press notices too seriously.

It's not the police she spoke to, it was me.

What exactly did she tell you?

She said she had something to tell me, and I said, "What?" and she said:

"Your entire organization is in danger of being destroyed."

Then she was cut off.

I see.

Well, it may interest you, gentlemen...

to know that a Thrush operative has just been captured...

carrying a copy of everything we fed into our main computer yesterday.

Has he been interrogated?

Dead, unfortunately.

This may be the answer to the past week.

Nothing in our entire operation against Thrush seems to have worked properly.

Do you think a personnel leak?

Not very likely, I'm afraid.

Our engineers think they've got a tap on this computer.

How? We're 50 feet below ground level.

They'd have to dig quite a tunnel to get anywhere near us.

Wouldn't our seismic detectors pick them up?

I don't have the answer to that.

Miss, will you tell the chief engineer that effective immediately...

I want this computer shut down?

Yes, Mr. Waverly.

Except for the processing of the most routine...

and unclassified material.

Yes, sir.

I gather you see some connection between this and the late Miss Osborne.

Oh, possibly none.

But for the time being, it's the only thing we've got to go on.

And we must remember, gentlemen...

that that theater is only two blocks away from here.

I know one of the girls in the show.

After those reviews, I have a feeling if you don't hurry, you'll miss her.

Not even a week from Thursday? Well, uh...

Sorry, my friend. We are sold out for weeks.

For weeks? Uh...

How about a...? Maybe... Hmm.

Hi, isn't it exciting?

Yes, it's incredible. I was looking for you.

Uh, who's that...?

Oh, that's Mr. Machina. He's our producer.

Come on, we're having a cast meeting and I can't be late.

- A month. We are sold out for a month. - Hmm.

Can you imagine?

Just think what you could do with lukewarm reviews.

Let's go, kids, come on. Come on, let's go.

Now, you're probably all curious what has happened.

For the man who's gonna give you the answers...

here's our illustrious producer, Mr. David X. Machina.

Artists of the theater.

Last night, you underwent tragedy and disappointment.

As for the first, you know Eileen Osborne...

would have wanted you to bounce back just as you have.

She always said, "The show must go on." Always.

She was quite a conversationalist.

It is for this reason that I decided to buy

all the tickets for next month personally.

I shall distribute them in the firm belief that word of mouth...

should quickly bring to your incomparable artistry...

the recognition it so richly deserves.

Mr. Machina, on behalf of the entire cast...

uh, I would like to say how deeply we appreciate your trust in us...

and I promise that we will do everything to prove that trust well-founded.

Thank you, Miss, uh...? - Jerrod.

Janet Jerrod.

Uh, and as Miss Osborne's understudy...

I only hope that I can step into her illustrious footsteps...

in the illustrious way that she would have wanted.

Well, on that point, Miss Jerrod, while I'm quite confident in your talent...

I do feel that the role should have a more experienced person.

Mr. Blintz, therefore, has agreed that Miss Osborne's replacement...

should be Miss Linda Lamentiere.

Is she a well-known star?

I thought I knew everybody in show business.

- I never heard of her. - Hmm.

- It seems a trifle unfair to me, Napoleon. - Hmm.

You dally around with a lush young actress...

while I go prowling around in a dirty basement.

Ah, but we both have the same noble objective in mind.

By the way, do you know anything about plumbing?

Yes, you turn the tap counter clockwise for warm and clockwise for cool.

That's very good. Uh, keep clockwise.

Hey, hey, hey.

- No admittance. - Plumbing repairs.

- Who called for a plumber? - Oh, boy.

Well...

It's all there.

Well, I didn't know anything was wrong with the plumbing.

- How are you doing? - Oh!

After all, it's his money. If he wants an experienced actress for the job...

that should be his prerogative, right?

- Right. - Right.

Listen, I'd to ask you about Eileen Osborne.

Well, I hate to speak ill of the dead...

but she certainly wasn't much of an actress.

She was, you know, well-liked.

Well, do you know anyone who didn't like her?

- Huh? - Someone who might wanna do her harm?

- Harm Eileen? - Mm-hm.

No.

- I'm sorry. - Oh, it was my fault.

Well, it was my pleasure.

- Who was that man? - Hmm?

Obviously someone with a taste for pretty young girls.

Ha, and they put you in charge.

Can you really imagine a man like that going for anyone like Janet Jerrod...

or whatever her name is?

What are you thinking?

Obviously, he could be from U.N.C.L.E.

Don't worry about it.

If he's an U.N.C.L.E. agent, I can assure you he will be taken care of.

Hey!

Oh, you took the wrong turn. The main pipe is here.

Oh, sorry.

Hey!

Hey, there's a show going on upstairs, you know.

Sorry, it just isn't my night.

Just make sure you put everything back the way it was.

I... I... It'll be a pleasure.

Anything?

They might be able to hide the tunnel entrance...

but they couldn't cover up the signs of digging.

As usual, we're on the wrong track.

I haven't had a chance to talk to Janet.

Oh, my good man. Uh, would you take this and buy yourself a bar of soap?

You're a dirty guy.

You would think that if the show were as good as Mr. Machina says it was...

uh, why was the audience so quiet?

Maybe they were, uh, overcome?

But wouldn't you think they'd give us at least one curtain call?

And Miss Lamentiere... Oh, I hate to be sour grapes, but...

- How was she? - Oh, I could play rings around her.

How do you suppose she ever got the part?

- Come on, I'll get you something to eat. - Ha-ha-ha.

No. Thank you, Napoleon.

I just wanna go home and go to sleep.

Oh, one of my shorter dates. Very pleasant, though.

- Okay, I'll take you home. - You don't have to.

Oh, I thought maybe, uh, we could talk...

about Miss Osborne, Machina, other things.

Please. I'll feel much more like talking tomorrow night, I'm sure.

Mm. All right. Only slightly offended, he bade her good night.

Mr. Solo?

- Uh, yeah? - We've got a message to relay to you.

- Yeah, like don't go near that broad. - Anymore.

At all. You see, a friend of her likes it that way.

That way.

See, I thought that kind of dialogue went out with high-button shoes.

- We're very serious. - Very.

Oh, well, I think everyone should be serious once in a while.

Does that leave any doubt he's an U.N.C.L.E. agent?

I'm afraid you're right, my dear.

I think, however, a mere working over...

is not gonna keep him out of our hair for these next crucial days.

- I have a suggestion. - What?

Put Mr. Solo in the lake.

In you go, pal.

Okay, you tie him up. I'll drive.

All right. Stay on that street, they're right to the lake.

Okay.

Sir, Mr. Solo's distress transmitter has been activated.

Here's where it started.

Get me Mr. Kuryakin.

It seems to be heading towards Central Park.

All right, put him down, right there.

I can't say I approve much of your choice of swimming pools.

It would be all right if they just wouldn't put so much chlorine in the water.

Come in, Mr. Solo.

Where are you?

In a Turkish bath, sir.

Oh. Oh, yes, of course.

Well, we ran a check on Mr. Machina.

A Thrush?

I wouldn't be surprised.

Very wealthy, source unknown.

Has a background in electronics.

Everything adds up, sir, except there's no sign of a tunnel.

How else could they be using that theater?

That I don't know.

But it's absolutely imperative that we find out.

Our inability to use the computer is paralyzing our entire organization.

Well, I have an idea they killed Eileen Osborne...

because she found something...

and replaced her with one of their own so they wouldn't have to do it again.

Ergo, the answer must be available to the new leading lady.

Hmm.

Well, perhaps, under the circumstances, we ought to have someone on the inside.

I have another idea, sir.

Didn't you tell me you played the French horn?

I play the English horn, yes.

Well, French horn, English horn. What difference does it make?

There is a number in the show called "A Man is a Horn."

Ugh. Oh, no, I categorically refuse.

It's a direct order, Mr. Kuryakin.

Yes, sir.

How do you intend to get rid of the fellow who's doing it now? Knock his teeth out?

Haven't you ever heard of Napoleon Solo...

the talent scout for the famous Hollywood mogul...

L.B. Sternmacher?

- Huh? - Uh-huh.

How could you do it to me, Mr. Solo? Stealing one of my best men.

Off he goes to Hollywood without even an hour's notice.

Now, how am I gonna replace him?

You got a couple of hours till show time.

- You'll come up with something. - Oh, thanks a lot.

Napoleon, you never told me you were a talent scout for Hollywood.

Well, I didn't want to destroy the purity of our relationship.

Oh, yeah, but... Gee whiz, Freddy Smallwood?

Your time will come, love.

- Winky. - Things are just...

- Winky. - What?

A guy wants to see you about a job.

I'm busy. Now, go away, will you, Adolph?

He says he plays the horn.

Plays the horn? Well, where is he?

There's this question of timing and talent...

and if you got the talent, the timing will eventually work itself out.

A man is a horn

Viciously he vibrates In double-reed duplicity

Honking, screeching, squealing

Displaying his talents For nothing but noise

A man is a horn

He is also a lute

Strings turned tightly to tune the tension

That pulls him apart

While percussively plucking the strings

And goodness that should In his heart find a plot

Where'd you get him?

It was a miracle. An absolute miracle.

But there's not

A man is a lute

I don't believe in miracles.

A man is a drum

What's the matter, Miss Lamentiere? You look as if you've seen a ghost.

Oh, uh, it's... It's just that I didn't expect to see you here.

Oh, as a matter of fact, I didn't expect to be here.

I guess I'm just staged.

A man is a drum

You can't stand here, mister.

Uh, well, I'm waiting for Miss, uh, Jerrod.

It's very dank out in the alley...

and I understand there's a very bad hoodlum element in the neighborhood.

Adolph, he's okay.

- Stay out of the way, all right? - Oh, indeed, I will, yes.

- Hi. - Hi.

A man is a song

Isn't he great?

Not bad if you like one-man bands.

You know, this is tomorrow night?

- Fine. Fine, fine. - Good.

- Fine, I'll be right with you. - All right.

- Anything? - Not so far. What about you?

I don't know how important it is...

but the star's dressing room is always locked.

Even she doesn't have the key.

Who does?

Him. Name's Adolph.

Hmm.

"A man is a horn"? Hmm.

- I'm ready. - Okay.

Open Channel D for Napoleon Solo.

Napoleon. Come in, Napoleon.

I know another one you're gonna like too.

Um, I sing all the instruments.

Napoleon. Come in, Napoleon.

Sorry I had to call you back, but I figured you'd wanna know.

You did the right thing, Adolph.

- Do you know who it is? - No, sir. I didn't see him.

Just a moment.

Napoleon. Come in, Napoleon.

That's our little man with the horn.

Come in, Napoleon.

Looks like we need another replacement for tomorrow.

A pity. He was the best thing in the show.

- Napoleon Solo. - Hmm.

Should I take care of him now?

Unfortunately, yes.

- Decidedly, no. - What?

Come, come on, dear.

Think.

If U.N.C.L.E. has planted a man in the cast...

they obviously must have strong suspicions about us.

What would you do if you were in their circumstances...

and highly suspicious?

I'd postpone the computer input.

Of course you would.

You'd postpone it until you stopped the leak.

I think we should free Mr. Kuryakin.

And try to convince him that the leak has been stopped.

- Adolph. - Huh?

Napoleon, for the last time, will you come in, please?

Napoleon. Come in, Napoleon.

Well, whew.

Well, what do you think L.B. Sternmacher would say to that?

Uh... Why don't you make some coffee and we'll, you know, talk about it?

Oh.

Whoa. Boy, am I glad to see you.

I thought I might have to spend the night here.

You see, I rather stupidly locked myself...

Huh.

You didn't lock yourself in.

- What? - I locked you in.

Oh?

No, no, please. Listen to me.

- I know you're from U.N.C.L.E. - Go on.

And I know just what you're looking for. The computer tap, right?

You're answering the questions.

Okay. I can lead you to it.

I mean it. You just say the word and I'll take you there.

Why should you do such a noble thing?

Money.

Oh.

- How much? - Twenty thousand. Ten.

Look, you gotta make it worthwhile.

If Thrush finds out what I'm doing, you know what's gonna happen?

With a little money, I can leave the country.

Maybe South America.

I can start all over again.

I'm not in the habit of carrying that much cash with me.

No, but you can get it, can't you?

You lead.

- This is where I leave you. - Just a minute.

Look, Mr. Kuryakin, I brought you here, that's enough.

Don't expect me to be around when things start happening.

I'm not sure I'm getting $10,000 worth of service.

You just go through there.

If you don't find what you're looking for, you don't pay.

I'm afraid that won't do. You just keep leading.

And don't turn around.

This one lists the batting averages...

of all the players in their interoffice softball league.

Hardly of earth-shaking importance, is it?

Not at the moment. But, uh...

It couldn't have gone better, Mr. Machina.

I saw the explosion myself.

It was a good one?

- Beautiful. - Excellent.

You'll forgive me if I gloat, my dear.

But I have reason to be quite proud of myself.

When I first proposed to Thrush Central that we build and equip two tunnels...

one to be used as a decoy, you should have heard them scream:

"You can't do that, Machina.

You're already over budget for the first tunnel.

It is a complete waste of time and money."

Now, I wouldn't be surprised if I were in line for a promotion.

- I knew you were on your way up. - Hmm.

- From the moment I met you, I knew it. - Hmm.

- Adolph. - Huh?

How much is this U.N.C.L.E. agent going to give you?

Five thousand dollars.

Mm-hm.

Knowing you as I do, Adolph, that means 10. Very well.

When he delivers it, you can keep 500.

Thank you.

- Do you think he will deliver it? - I'm sure of it.

I probably shouldn't have given you such a big piece of cake.

Do you realize this must have a million calories?

Mm. You know, it's unfortunate you're such a good cook.

Hmm?

Why, I mean, it takes away from your other obvious attributes.

Uh... Hey, do you realize it must be 1:00?

- You know... - You'd better be going.

- I tell you, I'd hoped that... - You haven't met my landlady.

If she knew that you were here...

I do mean it.

You better go.

I have my reputation to protect.

Mm. I see. Well, you've destroyed mine.

What's that?

My, uh, pen.

- Illya? - Napoleon, are you all right?

Uh, I'm a bit disappointed, but that will pass.

Why do you ask?

I tried to get you earlier.

No doubt before the disappointment set in.

Have you found anything?

I'm not quite sure.

I may have destroyed the computer tap.

You what?

Well, our friend Adolph, the backstage doorman?

He led me to it for a price. But it was too easy, Napoleon.

I think it may have been a decoy.

And if it was, I have an idea where the real thing is.

What do you want me to do?

Come to the theater tomorrow night.

I hate to subject you to the performance again, but you might be useful.

Shall I bring a few friends?

Yes, it might be advisable.

And if I'm not on-stage, look in Miss Lamentiere's dressing room.

Oh, and you might get Mr. Waverly...

to feed some important misinformation into our computer.

Right.

Illya? Illya. He's not in show business, is he?

Well, that's debatable. Ahem.

And you're not really a talent scout for L.B...

- What's his name? - Uh, St... Sternmacher.

- Yes. - No, I'm not.

Hey, you must be a secret agent or something.

Yeah, something.

Well, uh, maybe you shouldn't go after all.

I mean, wouldn't you like to tell me all about it?

Well, as a matter of fact, I'd be delighted.

You think you can do it?

Scared.

No, I mean, I'm really scared.

It's for U.N.C.L.E.

Adolph is back in the office with Machina, so I should have enough time.

It'll be over in just a minute.

Oh, I hope so.

A mouse! A mouse!

A mouse! It's a mouse! It's a mouse! JANET: A mouse!

No, you can't go in there. Where's Adolph? Adolph!

Adolph!

- What is it, Linda? - Oh, A m... A m... A mouse in there.

All right, all right, everybody. We have a show in a few minutes.

- Get ready. - Okay, guys, come on, it's warm up time.

Come on, dancers, let's go.

There he is. I'll get that mouse.

- Come on. - Wait.

The trapdoor. It's been opened.

- Huh? - Linda!

Linda.

Did you get him? Huh?

Kuryakin. Where is he?

Oh, I don't know. I saw him talking to that understudy a while ago.

Oh.

No!

- Aah! No! - Well, then.

Perhaps Miss Jerrod will help us to look for him.

Things have a habit of repeating themselves, don't they?

They do indeed, Mr. Kuryakin.

Oh.

If you will drop your gun, please, Mr. Kuryakin?

Remarkable, wouldn't you say so?

How did you manage to get it so close without our detecting it?

Oh, very simple, Mr. Kuryakin. Technology.

New digging equipment which cuts with ultrasonic waves...

almost no seismic vibration.

And the dirt is being processed by a reactor right on the device.

Most of it turned into harmless gasses.

All the dirt of this tunnel and the other one wouldn't fill two barrels.

Very ingenious.

You wouldn't consider selling it to U.N.C.L.E.?

How much?

Ah, that's more like it.

"Specifications of a new U.N.C.L.E. weapon...

and a chemical formula for a new explosive."

Do you mean you bought all those tickets for our show...

just so you could use our show as a cover-up?

My dear, there was a much more functional problem.

The day the show closes, the lease expires.

Now, it wouldn't be a shame...

to be evicted from such a profitable location as this? Wouldn't it?

You didn't like the show at all?

Oh, you hypocrite.

We all have our little failings.

She doesn't know anything about it. Let her go.

Well, I just might do that, Mr. Kuryakin. Except for one thing.

What? What's that?

Well, obviously, with Linda out of the picture...

you will have to go on in her place tonight.

The understudy gets her big chance. - What?

Do you really think I'd go on after what I found out about you?

My dear, this is not a debatable matter.

I need that performance.

Tonight, of all nights, I don't want any suspicions aroused.

And the performance needs you.

I'm sure you'll be splendid.

I'd just like to see you make me do it.

You really wouldn't like that, believe me.

You'll do it.

You see, because if you don't, we will kill your friend Mr. Kuryakin.

Charming girl.

I really feel badly about having to lie to her.

Oh? What was the lie?

Why, the implications if she performs, that she will be able to save your life.

Janet. Janet, where have you been?

They just told me Linda wouldn't be here tonight.

Tonight, of all nights, when I persuaded him to come back and see the show again.

- Who? - Paul Hastenbrook.

I told him the show has been redone and he'd scoop all the other critics.

- But it hasn't been redone. - But it's jelled. It has confidence.

Don't you see? He's gonna think he's seeing a new show. Isn't it marvelous?

It comes on your shoulders, Janet.

This is your big chance.

Tonight... Tonight, you are being gripped in the hands of fate.

You understand it took some forceful persuasion...

to get these tickets for tonight.

Yes, I suspected as much.

Show sold out and all that.

We've got men scattered throughout the house, just in case.

Excellent.

I only hope there won't be any disturbance...

until after Kuryakin's been on.

- I'm most eager to see him perform. - Hmm.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?

Tonight, the part of Susan Everybody will be played by Miss Janet Jerrod.

Thank you.

That should be a pleasant surprise for you, Mr. Solo.

I'm not at all sure about that, sir.

Wonderful.

Top-secret personnel records of all U.N.C.L.E. executives.

I can assure you, we will make excellent use of this.

And now, Mr. Kuryakin, I think I go enjoy the show.

I hope they will make do without a horn player just this once.

I march for love Justice, brotherhood and art

I march for wit, knowledge Happiness and heart

I march for good, kindness Diligence and truth

For the wisdom of age And the wonder of youth

Stand up and shout Stand up and march

You got nothing to lose Except your arches

Stand up and march Stand up and shout

If you wanna learn what life is all about

It's, uh, not one of her better nights.

Stand up and shout Stand up and run

You will never guess Who's trapped inside the tunnel

Stand up and march

Stand up and sing

You will find that friends Are waiting in each wing

- Excuse me, sir. - Lost your nerve?

The show just wouldn't be the same without you.

- It's nice to be missed. How's Janet? - Lousy but unharmed.

- Well, that won't last. - I'm afraid you're right.

I take it that's the real thing? - Yes.

And it's spewing out an awful lot of misinformation.

Go on. I'll catch up with you.

All Thrush people! We need you.

Keep dancing. Keep dancing.

It's better than unemployment.

The men who fight, they fight for us

And they sure could use A little extra muscle

Get the girl. JANET Stand up and fight

Stand up and roar

Or you'll soon have Leading Lady Number 4

Keep playing. Keep playing.

Keep playing

Stand up and shout Stand up and march

You got nothing to lose Except your arches

Stand up and march Stand up and shout

If you wanna learn what life is all about

Bravo! Bravo!

Bravo.

"I don't recall ever being so stunned...

as by the total theatricality of the second act...

in which every physical and sensory means...

is used to embrace the audience in a memorable experience."

Oh.

"And saving the best until last...

Janet Jerrod's transformation from the nervous, off-key stereotype...

to a zany, wild-eyed hoyden...

marks the arrival of a brand-new star.

See it. By all means, see it."

Can you believe it? Oh.

- It's marvelous. JANET: Thank you, thank you.

- Yes, you were particularly so, my dear. - Thank you.

Oh, it's so exciting.

What will the audience do when they don't find...

that total sensory experience at the end of Act 2?

Well, it's another old American tradition.

Theater audiences generally like what the critics tell them to like.

Exactly.

As a matter of fact, I've already decided...

to incorporate the fight scene into the show every night.

Herbert and Marvin are writing music and lyrics for it...

Say...

Now, this is kind of an offbeat casting idea...

but how would you two like to play yourselves in the show?

Don't call us.

We'll call you.