Original subtitles

Can't you put a little more muscle behind it, gondolier?

I'm sorry, signore. I can't row any faster.

But I can sing "Sole Mio" if you wish.

No, thanks. I'll pass.

Nice to see you again, baroness.

Here is your list.

I imagine she'd like to know who's behind those curtains too.

Wouldn't you like to be the one to tell her?

Read and memorize the names on the list.

When you have done so, will you give the list to Mr. Thirty?

He will destroy it.

I know the routine.

And of course, the diamonds.

Millions of dollars’ worth.

Which you will distribute as indicated.

Yes, that's the same woman, all right.

God bless you, Mr. Kuryakin.

Thank you, sir.

I'm sorry, but those gondolas are not built for evasive action.

Ha, I suppose not. How's Mr. Solo getting on?

I was at the hospital this morning. The antibiotics are just beginning to work.

- Pneumonia? - Yes, sir.

I'm afraid those canals are very cold as well as being very dirty.

Hmm.

Well, happily, our health and welfare plan...

should ease some of Mr. Solo's financial burdens.

Mr. Kuryakin, did you know you'd been sunk by a full admiral?

We were?

Yes.

Section Two says he's Mr. Thirty.

Security chief, Thrush International.

And the man behind the curtain?

Oh. Someone far higher up than Mr. Thirty, I'm afraid.

And almost certainly a member of Thrush Central.

Their treasurer, perhaps.

That's very good.

- Morning, sir. - Come in, Mr. Slate.

Uh, you know Mr. Kuryakin.

I do indeed.

Shall I go ahead, sir?

Yes, yes, do please.

Mr. Slate took these films three months ago in Paris.

There was a similar rendezvous exactly three months before that...

in the shadow of the Sphinx.

Watch the first level of the Eiffel Tower.

Mr. Slate placed a concealed camera there.

We had reason to believe the souvenir stand would be a particular point of interest.

There goes our friend again.

Her name, Mr. Kuryakin, is De Chasseur.

Baroness Bibi De Chasseur.

The darling of the... What's that term they use nowadays?

The... Oh, yes, the jet set.

We don't think she's a Thrush agent. A courier seems more likely.

Does the, uh, scene look familiar?

Looks like a jeweler's sack.

Diamonds, I would think.

Then she's their payoff girl.

Rather crudely put, Mr. Kuryakin.

But accurate nevertheless.

The baroness operates on the highest levels only.

Because of Mr. Solo's indisposition...

Mr. Slate will be your associate in this enterprise.

- A pleasure. - Mine as well.

Your assignment, gentlemen, is quite simple.

At the next quarterly rendezvous, I want you to intercept that payoff list.

Without being discovered, of course.

We shall then be able to identify...

and expose those corrupt world leaders who secretly collaborate with Thrush.

I take it, sir, you have a plan.

Yes, I do indeed.

Next.

All I can make out is a lot of hair.

Quit it, buddy.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

How can anyone think that this creature can be turned into the baroness?

Ooh, I don't know.

Look at the face. There are certain similarities of conformation.

Bone structure and, uh, all that sort of thing.

She rides well.

Keep your paws to yourself, Mac!

Hmm. Speaks English.

- English? - Well, they call it Bronx.

Ah, it'll never work.

Illya, we've been handed a lemon.

We?

You, Mark, you.

My work is with the, uh... The other lady.

Next.

I think it's your turn, Mac.

Get off.

Oh, you speak German too?

What are you, a wise guy?

Come on. Give me the two marks.

Excuse me, Rosy. It is Rosy, isn't it?

- How'd you know? - Rosy Shlagenheimer.

Born in New York 23 years ago of German parents.

Had a childhood ambition to enter show business.

Father a butcher, mother a lady wrestler.

Say, what is this? Are you the fuzz?

Rosy, you've cut me to the very quick.

No, really, you've got nothing to worry about.

I just wanna talk to you about a little business proposition.

Ha, ha, I bet.

Scout's honor.

What time do you get off the horse?

Is that all you wanna do? Talk?

I think you'll find me a fascinating conversationalist.

Uh-huh. Well, okay.

I quit in half an hour.

- I'll meet you outside your dressing room. - Yeah.

Hey. My mother.

- The wrestling lady. - Yeah.

Just remember, she taught me all she knew.

Good morning.

Wait here.

- Yes? - Madame la baron?

Illya Kuryakin, your new tennis instructor...

at your service.

Whatever happened to Maurice?

I'm afraid he's indisposed. A little accident this morning.

In the bathtub.

Oh.

It's all right, Olaf. I won't need you anymore.

The truth is, Mr. Kuryakin, that I simply loathe tennis.

But it also happens that Maurice was a simply marvelous dancer.

Are you a perfectly marvelous dancer, Mr. Kuryakin?

My husband, the Baron De Chasseur.

This is...

Of course, of course.

Your new tennis instructor.

And I don't dance.

May I offer you a cigarette, Mr. Kuryakin?

No, thank you.

Drink?

I never touch it.

No vices at all, Mr. Kuryakin?

Darling, for heaven's sake.

Then you're hired, young man.

You may start this afternoon if you like.

Now, uh, what were you saying, my dear?

Nothing. I'll go and see about lunch for Mr. Kuryakin.

Oh, uh, there's only one thing.

Bibi's last instructor played a bit too close to the net.

I'm sure you would never make such a mistake.

I, uh...

I'll make a note of it.

Ow! Oh, you clumsy...

No, no, no, Rosy. Please don't ever make a noise like that again.

Yeah, but the creep was pulling my hair!

Not a creep, Rosy. It's not a word that ladies use.

I don't wanna be no lady.

I wanna be back in the bar riding my horse. I wanna be back in show biz.

But you are in show business.

Think of it like this.

You're learning a part in a new play.

You're gonna be a baroness. A lady.

And ladies don't go around saying, "Ow!"

Now...

I want you to listen to a real baroness.

Repeat everything she says.

Ow!

Ow! Ow!

That's not fair.

You are a beast. You promised you wouldn't play to my backhand.

Well, I'm not allowed to get too close to the net...

so I, uh, have to do something.

Well, I've had enough exercise for today anyway.

Shall we adjourn for a drink?

Yes. Uh, do you have any fresh guava juice?

I think we can find some.

Have some more.

Say when.

When.

If you'll excuse me, I'll slip into something cooler.

You fool.

You meddling fool.

But, baron, the tennis racket.

A hidden microphone.

Of course.

And he has a camera in the other one.

Now, get on your feet.

You're only slightly tranquilized.

Unless, of course, you want me to fire button four or five.

No, no, baron. I'm sorry.

I was only thinking of you. If Thrush Central should ever find out...

Find out what, Olaf?

That Mr. Kuryakin is an U.N.C.L.E. agent?

I've known that for quite some time now.

And I'm taking the appropriate countermeasures.

Uh, I don't understand.

Perhaps this will give you a clue.

The police in Greece are difficult to fleece.

Try it again. A bit more posh.

Posh?

Yeah, you know, ladylike. Like a baroness would say it.

I ain't never heard no baroness say that.

The police in Greece are difficult to fleece.

Uh, forgive me, baron, but I still don't understand.

You see, once I learned that Mr. Kuryakin was spying on the baroness...

I wondered why.

I learned that all his information...

was being communicated to Mr. Slate in Paris.

So I proceeded to find this Mr. Slate...

and his Galatea.

Oh.

They think they're very clever, these U.N.C.L.E. people.

But two can play the game as well as one.

If this Rosy creature can play the baroness...

well, then, why can't the baroness play Rosy?

I'm sorry, Bibi, that you will have to wear these dreadful ready-made clothes.

Well, that's the way it goes, Mac.

You gotta take the good with the bad, you know what I mean?

Marvelous.

And now, this Rosy, uh... What's her name?

Shlagenheimer.

Yes.

I daresay she couldn't do better.

Is there something the matter?

Well, I... I thought it would be a lark.

Sort of a gay, amusing adventure.

But now that it's time to go through with it, I'm frightened.

Oh, Freddy, do I have to?

We're both captives of Thrush.

And they would kill me if you didn't.

I'll do it as well as I can, Freddy.

I know you will.

And it will be for the last time, I'm sure of it.

Now that U.N.C.L.E. knows your identity...

well, Thrush won't want to use you anymore.

And we will be free of them for good.

I said, that's all the more reason why it has to work, Mr. Slate.

We've invested too much time to see the plan fail.

But, sir, it's hopeless. I've been working with her day and night.

Oh, come, Mr. Slate. There's always hope.

Besides, I think you may have just put your finger on the main problem.

Working with her day and night, you say?

Perhaps the girl is exhausted.

Why don't you try giving her some rest?

Yes, sir.

That's more like it.

Now, I'm going to be in Paris myself in a day or two.

That will give me a chance to see how you and the girl are doing.

But, Mr. Waverly, I...

Miss.

- Has she been asleep long? - Yes.

I'm sorry, sir. I tried to wake her up, but I couldn't.

- She must be awfully tired, poor thing. - Hmm.

You better sweep around her, then.

I gave her 2 cc's and she's out like a light.

Hurry it up.

Here she is, sir.

Ah! Keep your paws to yourself, Mac.

Poor pathetic thing.

You better put her to bed, Olaf.

You heard madame, Olaf.

Escort the baroness up to her room now.

Good luck, my dear.

Thank you.

Oh, Rosy, hurry up.

Rosy, get on with it.

Don't worry, my boy, they'll hold the reservation.

New hairdo, if you please. Since 6 this morning.

You gave her the subliminal corrective training, didn't you?

I tried everything. I didn't try hypnotism.

Look, sir, the truth is...

now, as far as I'm concerned, Rosy just hasn't got it in her.

Positive thinking, Mr. Slate. Positive thinking.

Well...

Uh...

Rosy.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, sir, shall we get it over with?

- I think so. - Oh. It's my girdle.

I ain't used to wearing a girdle.

Well, I understand.

You look lovely, miss, uh...

Shlagenheimer.

Ah, yes, of course. May I?

Oh. Well.

Indeed, Mr. Waverly.

I thank you, beaucoup.

Monsieur Waverly.

Chateau Madeleine, 1938.

Just as you've ordered, monsieur.

Very nice. Thank you.

I think you'll enjoy the bouquet, my dear.

Mmm.

Mmm. Yeah, that's good stuff, you know?

Rosy.

What's the matter?

Why, nothing at all, my dear. Everything's fine.

Ahem. The, uh, menus?

Yes.

Can I have anything I...?

Mr. Slate, are you a little, uh, nervous or something?

See what I mean, sir? It's absolutely hopeless.

Nonsense.

I'm sure when the girl is a little more relaxed, she'll be...

Hey, baroness!

Baroness! Baroness!

Baroness!

Bibi, baby.

Bibi, baby. Ha-ha-ha! Baby.

Looky who's here. It's me, Bibi.

Excuse me, sir...

Oh, that's all right, buddy, don't get up.

Ha-ha. Oh, Bibi, honey.

I didn't think I was ever gonna see you again.

- Ha-ha. After that night... - Look here...

Oh, I'm sorry to butt in, but, uh, the baroness is an old pal.

Ha-ha. Pal. Now, that's an understatement.

Why, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be here now.

You remember how when it was all over you said to me, you said:

"Charlie," you said...

Charlie. Of course, it's Charlie.

Oh, you see, I knew you'd remember. Ha-ha.

You see, I fell overboard from my yacht, you know.

And little Bibi here jumped right in and pulled me out.

Ha-ha. Now, what do you think of that?

That was a noble gesture.

Uh, noble? Noble baroness?

Hey, that's pretty good. Ha, ha.

Remember that other guy? Duke with a funny toupee?

The count. The Count of Monte Cristo, Charles.

Oh, yeah, that's the one.

You remember in all the excitement how his toupee fell in the ocean?

Oh, boy, he was fit to be tied.

Yes, he was a very amusing fellow.

Yeah, he sure was.

Say, why don't you and your friends come over to my table and join me?

- We'll have drinks and a lot of laughs. - Well...

Well, we'd love to. Except that, uh, I'm here incognito.

And I'd appreciate it very much if you didn't tell anyone you saw me.

Oh, I get it, Bibi.

A rendezvous, huh? BIBI: Mmm.

Well, mum's the word, Bibi.

Ha, ha. You're a pal, Charlie.

Um, I'll call you. You're staying at the, uh...?

Oh, at the Louis Quatorze.

Oh, but of course.

Yeah, well, I'll see you, baby.

Ciao, Charlie.

Phew.

What a remarkable performance.

Worthy of a true baroness.

- Mr. Slate. - Yes, sir?

You did it.

Nice of Mr. Waverly to give us the night off, wasn't it, Rosy?

Isn't it about time you stopped calling me Rosy?

I mean, I passed the test. It should be Bibi now.

Hmm.

Bibi.

Ooh, careful of my earring.

BIBI: You know, I...

I even feel like Bibi all of a sudden.

It's like, um, learning to ice-skate...

or riding a bicycle.

One day you can't, and then the next moment, everything...

I don't believe you.

I think you've been storing it all up.

Shh!

That was nice.

Shall we try it again?

What happened?

The same thing that always happens.

Poor Bibi.

It's too bad.

I was planning to liquidate Mr. Kuryakin.

Now we shall have to kill her too.

- Oh, Mr. Kuryakin. - Good morning, sunshine.

The baroness is unable to play tennis.

- Oh? - Not for several more days.

Well, how is she?

Still very tired. The virus, it doesn't go away.

It's been here quite a while.

Yes.

Is she, uh, in her room?

- Yes, she's resting. - Listen, I won't be a minute.

All I want to do is to go up and say hello and give her these.

She's not to be disturbed. The baron's orders.

Well, will you give her my regards?

And the flowers. When she is able to receive them.

Baroness?

Bibi?

Olaf.

He, uh, found the telegram?

Naturally.

I knew he couldn't resist the temptation to search the room.

Ah, for Pete's sake...

I mean, oh, dear me.

I do believe the book has fallen.

It was very good that time. Forty-two seconds.

Oh.

Excuse me. I think this is someone you're gonna want to meet.

Hello.

It's not polite to stare.

Miss Shlagenheimer, this is Illya Kuryakin.

He's been working with the baroness at the chateau.

How do you do?

We've met.

We have?

At the Lady Godiva Bar in Hamburg.

Oh, yes. Of course.

How are things at the chateau?

We make the switch tomorrow night at 8:30.

Tomorrow night? So soon?

That's when the quarterly rendezvous will take place.

I found a telegram in a drawer.

You did?

There's really very little to be concerned about, miss, uh...

Shlagenheimer.

Yes.

Now, the baroness is still in bed with a virus.

She won't get up until it's time to get ready for the rendezvous...

which is at 9:15.

She's due to be picked up at 9...

which means the rendezvous itself will be quite close to the chateau.

After you have been to the rendezvous, you'll return to the chateau.

Pretend you feel tired, go back to bed.

And what if I actually fall asleep?

Oh, don't worry. I'll wake you up again when I bring back the real baroness.

Oh, uh, one thing.

If you do fall asleep, remember...

the baroness snores.

Mark, she's wearing outfit 14, the gold dress.

We'd better not drive any further than this.

The back entrance to the chateau is just down there.

Go through the rose garden and past the pool.

Yeah, I know. I... I studied the map.

Want some help with that?

- Yes. - Here.

Everything else straight?

Mmm.

Everything else is fine.

Do you know, Mark...

ever since I was a little girl...

I've dreamed about somebody with eyes like yours?

Who would come and rescue me from whatever there was to be rescued from.

Like a horse in Hamburg. I know.

Aah! No! Aah!

Shh.

Two marks for once around the ring.

Keep your hands on the horse...

Rosy?

Look, I don't think I can go through with it.

Yes, you can.

Mark?

Slate.

I have the girl.

Illya?

Illya?

Illya.

What is it?

Mark, maybe we should wait a little longer.

No, it's time. Look, everything's going to be all right.

Illya's got the baroness. That's the important thing.

Yes, but what if something should happen?

Mark, I'm scared.

Of course you're scared.

Don't worry. It's all gonna be fine.

I have complete confidence in you.

Go ahead.

All right.

Remember, Illya won't be far away. And if you should come across Olaf...

Oh, don't worry about Olaf.

He's been eating out of my hand since...

I mean...

You know what I mean.

Hello, Freddy.

Olaf told me you had arrived.

Mr. Slate's timing was perfect.

What about Illya...?

Mr. Kuryakin and the girl?

Are you worried about them?

I just don't want them to be killed, that's all.

I'm afraid it can't be helped.

You know Thrush.

Uh, would you fix me a brandy, please?

My poor child.

You do care for Mr. Kuryakin, don't you?

And for Mr. Slate as well.

What I did, it was only for you.

I understand.

But now to more immediate problems.

In a little while, you will be given a false list of names.

I just don't understand why I have to go through this ridiculous ceremony.

I mean, under the circumstances...

Because it is just possible, my dear...

that U.N.C.L.E. will be present at the rendezvous.

And if they are present...

well, then we must put on a show for them, mustn't we?

Lest they become suspicious.

Yes, I see.

I knew you would.

To your health, my dear.

You're 10 seconds late.

I'm sorry.

How far is it to the wine cave?

Less than two kilometers, sir.

Good. Then we shall make it on time.

Let's go, driver.

Rosy.

Rosy, I can't get my arms down.

Rosy, wake up.

Rosy, wake up!

Miss Shlagenheimer!

That's it, Rosy. Now, reach out.

- Reach inside, come on. - Oh, uh.

Side pocket. Cigarette lighter.

- Cigarette lighter, cigarette lighter. - Mmm.

Good, good. Now light it.

Light it. Yeah, light it.

Oh! Hmm.

It's all right. Now point it at the lock.

The lock.

Aah! Try to avoid me. I burn easily.

Oh. Oh, dear.

That's good. Yeah, that's it.

I think you're getting it.

Hold it.

Put it off. Pull it in.

Go to sleep.

Ah.

All right, Mr. Kuryakin.

Now that everyone's gone, we can have some fun, huh?

Suppose we play a little tennis.

You'd better be careful, sunshine.

They can't be very far away. They only had 15 minutes to get there.

How do you know about the wine caves?

You just told me.

Thank you.

Mr. Slate taught me that. It means "my pleasure."

Oh.

This way, baroness.

Good evening, baroness.

Good evening.

Here is your list.

This time, you will not have to memorize it.

Drop them.

Over here.

Sorry to intrude.

If anyone moves, I'm gonna have to kill your peerless leader.

Here's the list. Take it and run. You can make it.

I'm sure I can.

And I'm sure our friend here won't let anyone try and stop me.

The list is a fake. Isn't it, baroness?

You know?

Unfortunately, I didn't know soon enough.

- Oh, Mark... - Never mind that now.

I'm more interested in him.

Freddy!

Poor Bibi. I'm sorry I had to deceive you.

But you were of such great use to me.

Until you became the victim of your own heart.

That's enough, baron. You'd better come with me.

Capturing Thrush Central's treasurer would be a feather in your cap...

wouldn't it, Mr. Slate?

Alas, I'm afraid it is not to be.

You're only mildly tranquilized, Mr. Slate.

Oh, I just as easily could have killed him.

But it's a matter of jurisdiction.

Now, murder, that's Mr. Thirty's department.

Thank you, sir.

Uh, Mr. Thirty, will you be kind enough to dispose of Mr. Slate...

and my wife as well?

I'm afraid I was never cut out to be a good husband.

Mark!

- Good show. - My mother was a wrestler.

Look out!

Thanks, Bibi.

Oh, allow me.

Uh, Mr. Waverly, I think you know the Baroness De Chasseur.

Of course.

Hello.

The baroness has been with the head of our intelligence department.

She's given them the list of names of all past meetings.

I had to memorize all the names.

But fortunately, I have an excellent memory.

The list is not exactly up-to-date.

But I think it will be of considerable help to us.

Oh, it will indeed.

Yes, indeed. Do sit down.

You know, baroness, when you came in just now...

I couldn't be certain whether you were indeed the baroness or that other...

Uh, what was her name, uh...?

Shlagenheimer.

Ah, yes, yes.

Well, by the way, what happened to her?

Is she back in the entertainment field?

No, she retired.

As a matter of fact, we're all invited to the wedding.

Wedding?

She's gonna be a baroness after all.

Oh, ho.

A cattle baroness. She's going to live on a yacht.

Oh, not Charlie.

The Texan in the Paris restaurant, sir. Remember?

Oh. Oh, well.

Well, uh, suppose we all go and have a little lunch somewhere?

I'm terribly sorry, but I've got a previous engagement.

Oh. Well, perhaps some other day.

Ah, Mr. Solo.

Why, you are looking in the pink of condition now, Mr. Solo.

Oh, thank you, sir. The doctor says I can return to work tomorrow morning.

Oh, excellent.

Uh, this is the Baroness De Chasseur, Mr. Solo.

Yes, I've already had the pleasure.

- You have? - Are you ready, Bibi?

I'll, uh, see you after lunch, gentlemen.

Napoleon doesn't waste any time, does he?

Yes, just like he's never been away.