Original subtitles

[ Woman ] PLEASE, THIS WAY. THIS WAY.

COME ALONG. YES, THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT.

LET'S GO. LET'S GO. COME ON.

WALK WITH ME. RIGHT HERE. LET'S GO.

ALL RIGHT.

PLEASE, BACK. THANK YOU.

[ Children ] OOH ! [ Girl ] IT'S KEVIN !

WHERE IS THAT KEVIN FRANKLIN ?

COME ON, BOBBY ! GET THAT QUARTER !

HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO MAKE THAT 20%, HUH ? HUH ?

GET THAT ONE OVER THERE. FORGET THE PENNY. GET THE QUARTER.

KEVIN ! [ Splash ]

- BOBBY, GET OUT OF THE WATER. - IT'S NOT MY FAULT. YOU MADE ME BUDDIES WITH KEVIN.

[ Children Laughing ] SISTER,

I WAS JUST TRYIN' TO HELP HIM RETRIEVE HIS GLASSES AND HE FELL IN.

WHAT COULD I DO ?

OOH ! OOH !

IT'S A MIRACLE ! I MADE A WISH AT THIS FOUNTAIN...

AND NOW MY POCKETS ARE STUFFED WITH COINS.

- HALLELUJAH ! - PUT IT BACK NOW !

YOU THINK YOU'RE THE ONLY ORPHAN THAT EVER GREW UP IN PITTSBURGH ?

- NO. JUST THE POOREST. - WELL, DID YOU KNOW THAT, UM...

HE WAS AN ORPHAN TOO ? [ Children Groan ]

- EVERYWHERE WE GO, SOMEONE'S AN ORPHAN. - [ Children ] UH-HUH.

POSEIDON LEARNED TO APPLY HIMSELF AT SOMETHING OTHER THAN MISCHIEF,

AND HE BECAME RULER OF THE SEA.

I DON'T CARE IF HE WAS CHICKEN OF THE SEA. I DON'T WANNA BE NO PO' SEIDON.

WHEN I GET BIG, I'M GONNA BE RICH.

[ Children Laughing ]

GO ON, LAUGH. WHEN I'M GROWN UP, I'M GONNA BE A MILLIONAIRE DRIVIN' A PORSCHE.

** [ "Green Onions" ]

HEY, GIRL.

UH-UH. [ Gears Grinding ]

[ Backfiring ]

WHEN I MAKE MY BIG MONEY, EVERYBODY IN PITTSBURGH GONNA BRAG ABOUT HOW THEY KNOW ME.

THAT'S THE WAY IT'S GONNA BE. I'LL BE ALL OVER THE RADIO.

WAKE UP, PITTSBURGH ! THIS IS YOUR FAVORITE STATION, WKFD,

WITH KEVIN FRANKLIN DOWNTOWN.

AND SPEAKIN' OF KEVIN FRANKLIN, LAST NIGHT OUR CITY'S HOMEBOY...

CLEANED UP AT THE INTERNATIONAL HUMAN BEING SOCIETY AWARDS.

LET'S RUN THAT TAPE, JIM. [ Imitating Rewinding Tape ]

[ Beeps ]

GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

TONIGHT WE ARE HONORING A VERY SPECIAL MAN.

THIS YEAR, THE INTERNATIONAL HUMAN BEING SOCIETY ANNUAL RECIPIENT...

HAS WON THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE, THE PULITZER PRIZE,

THE BUSINESSMAN OF THE YEAR AWARD,

THE HEISMAN TROPHY,

THE HARRIET TUBMAN RUN FOR FREEDOM,

THE PAUL ROBESON BEST NEGRO ACTOR OF THE CENTURY,

AS WELL AS THE AUNT JEMIMA BIGGEST PANCAKE IN THE 'HOOD COOK-OFF.

HE ALSO HAS ENDED WORLD HUNGER,

REVERSED THE GREENHOUSE EFFECT...

AND INTRODUCED THE WORLD TO THE NEW FLAVOR OF POP TART:

THE SPAM/SALMON CROQUETTE TOFUTTI.

AND EVEN THOUGH HIS BANK ACCOUNT IS THE SIZE OF FOUR OR FIVE SMALL COUNTRIES,

KEVIN FRANKLIN IS A MAN WHO CARES ABOUT THE WORLD.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, I GIVE YOU KEVIN FRANKLIN FROM PITTSBURGH.

[ Imitating Roaring Crowd ]

OH, NO, THA-- NO.

OH, I'M SO ASHAMED. OH.

I'M SO ASHA-- I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

I'VE WON MANY AWARDS IN MY LIFE, BUT I THINK TONIGHT IS A VERY SPECIAL NIGHT FOR ME.

FIRST OFF, I'D LIKE TO START BY SAYING, UH:

WHERE'S THE CHECK ? THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

GET THAT OUT OF HERE ! IF I COULD DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN, I WOULD.

NOT FOR FREE, BUT I'D DO IT AGAIN.

HONESTLY, PEOPLE. HONESTLY. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANKS. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU, PEOPLE. THANK YOU.

I'LL CALL YOU. THANK YOU. I GOTTA GO.

CAN'T WAIT TO WIN THE BIG MONEY, JACK.

EVERYBODY WILL BE RIDIN' WITH ME THEN.

[ Horns Honking, Car Alarms Blaring ]

[ Man ] WHOA, WHOA, WHOA ! [ Men Shouting ]

OH, YEAH. YEAH, BABY. TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL.

MAN, YEAH ! HA-HA ! YEAH ! WHAT'S UP, RALPH ? THAT'S JUICE IN THERE, RIGHT ?

HEY, WHAT'S UP ? WHAT'S UP ?

HEY, WHAT YA ALL DOIN', MAN ?

SAY, WHAT YA ALL DOIN' ? CAN I SHOW YOU HOW TO PLAY THIS GAME ?

- WHO LET THIS 50-YEAR-OLD MAN IN THE SCHOOLYARD ? - GIVE ME THE BALL.

I'M GONNA GIVE A CLINIC, AND I AIN'T GONNA PUT THE GROCERIES DOWN.

- SHOW HIM WHAT'S HAPPENING ! - OH ! WHO'S NEXT !

- MY GRANDMOTHER PLAYS BETTER THAN YOU ! - HOLD THE BAG ! SUCKA !

- GRAND FINALE ! YEAH ! - THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

IF I WAS GONNA DO YOUR HAIR, I WOULD PULL THIS OUT. I WOULD GO TO A NATURAL COLOR.

BUT THAT'S YOU, BABY. BE WHAT YOU ARE. HERE'S SOME ACTIVATOR. KEEP IT WET. CATCH Y'ALL.

- CHECK OUT. HEY, CHECK OUT. HEY, YO, KEV ! - WHAT ?

YOU MAKE THAT MILLION YET ? YEAH, I'M ON MY WAY, MAN. I'M ON MY WAY.

HE GOT A BUNCH OF TAPES AT THE HOUSE. HE GONNA WIN A MILLION DOLLARS.

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, BROTHER ?

- JUST BE STILL. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS. - LARRY !

KEVIN ! HEY, KEVIN, COME HERE ! WAIT !

HEY, MAN, WHERE YOU GOIN' ? YOU HEAR ME TALKIN' TO YOU ?

- CAN'T STOP ! - KEVIN !

KEVIN !

[ Kung Fu Yell ]

TIME FOR "COOKIN' IN THE KITCHEN WITH KEVIN FRANKLIN."

WHAT DO WE HAVE ? OH, WE HAVE SALT FOR THE CHILDREN.

WE HAVE CHOLESTEROL FOR THE ADULTS.

WE HAVE FAT FOR THE FAT PEOPLE AND SUGAR FOR THE SUGAR-HOLICS.

AND FOR THE GROWN FOLKS, MICKEY D'S.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

BIG GULP FOR A BIG GUY ! HA-HA-HA ! YES.

GUESS WHAT, SHAFT. 'BOUT TO MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS.

CHECK THIS OUT. I'M GONNA BUY YOU A NEW CRIB, GET YOU A SWIMMIN' POOL.

WHO KNOWS ? MAYBE WE'LL GET YOU SOME GIRL HAMSTERS. YEAH.

SHOW ME THE WAY, MAN. IT'S TIME TO MAKE MONEY.

[ TV Announcer ] FROM BEAUTIFUL WAIKIKI BEACH IN HONOLULU, HAWAII,

PLEASE JOIN OUR HOST JOHN DAVIDSON.

- ALOHA. - ALOHA.

DO WHAT ALMOST 700,000 AMERICANS HAVE DONE.

USE DAVE DEL DOTTO'S WEALTH-BUILDING MATERIALS...

AS YOUR MEANS TO YOUR END.

RESTORE YOUR FAITH AND YOUR PASSIONS AS WE MOVE TO ACHIEVE OUR DREAMS.

SING, JOHN. * AND WHEN YOUR DAYS SEEM CLOUDY *

* AND YA DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO *

* HEY HO

* HEY HO GO, JOHN ! GO, JOHN ! KEVIN ! HELP !

* GET A HAIRBRUSH FOR YOUR BIG HEAD *

* SCOOBY-DOOBY OOBY-OOBY *

* CHABBA-DABBA CHABBA-DABBA * KEVIN !

* JUST A MINUTE ** [ Singing Gibberish ]

- KEVIN ! - SHH, MAN ! I'M WATCHIN' THIS TAPE !

WHY DO YOU THINK I'M WAVIN' AT YOU ?

IT'S HEAVY. IT'S YOURS. TAKE IT, KEVIN.

I'M TRYIN' TO WATCH THE TAPE.

OH, REALLY ? YOU LIKE THIS SHOW, HUH ?

THIS IS GREAT. THIS IS DAVE DEL DOTTO'S NEW TA--

THEY DELIVERED THIS TO ME 'CAUSE YOU WEREN'T HERE. WHAT IS IT ?

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT THIS IS ?

I'M OUTTA HERE. I'M NOT LA TOYA JACKSON. I'M NOT PSYCHIC.

NO, WAIT, LARRY ! THIS IS-- OH ! I BEEN WAITIN' FOR THIS !

MAN, THIS IS IT ! MAN, I'M TOO EXCITED.

[ Panting ]

- YOU KNOW WHAT THIS REPRESENTS, DON'T YOU ? - A BIG WASTE OF MONEY.

YOU HAVE NO VISION ! THE ENTIRE 1994 BASEBALL SEASON. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN' ?

I GOT KEN GRIFFEY, JR., HERE, BARRY BONDS, JOSE CANSECO.

PEOPLE SPEND BIG MONEY FOR BASEBALL CARDS,

BUT IF THEY GET HURT, IT'S EVEN WORTH MORE MONEY !

SAY ONE OF THEM'S GOIN' TO THE CAR AFTER A GAME, GETS HIT. POW !

I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT HAPPEN, BUT IF IT DOES, I'M GETTIN' PAID.

- THIS IS GONNA BE HUGE ! - LARGE ! GIGANTIC !

[ Wheezing ] JUST LIKE ALL YOUR OTHER IDEAS, KEVIN.

IS THAT ANY KIND OF WAY TO ENCOURAGE YOUR BEST FRIEND ?

I DIDN'T ASK FOR NONE OF THIS ! I DIDN'T ASK TO BE YOUR BEST FRIEND !

- [ Wheezing, Panting ] - SEE ? LOOK, SEE ? YOU GET UPSET, SEE WHAT HAPPENS ?

COME ON, MAN, NOW, BREATHE. BREATHE !

YOU CAN'T HOLLER AT ME LIKE THIS. I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU IN THIS CONDITION.

THIS IS GONNA WORK OUT. I KNOW THIS ONE'S GONNA WORK, MAN. I FEEL IT.

GOT A BLOOD-- BLOOD SUGAR DIP. I NEED SOME DINNER.

DIN-- OH, LYNN. I TOLD LYNN I WAS GONNA MEET HER. SHE'S GONNA KILL ME !

OUCH ! [ Horns Honking, Alarms Blaring ]

[ Chattering ] HEY, LYNN !

IT'S REAL SIMPLE.

HEY, LYNN, HOW YA DOIN' ? I'M SORRY. GOOD NIGHT.

I'M SORRY. GOOD NIGHT. IT'S NICE MEETING EVERYBODY.

LOOK, I'M SORRY, BUT I CAN EXPLAIN, OKAY ?

YOU STOOD ME UP.

YOU EMBARRASSED ME. YOU MADE ME LOOK LIKE A FOOL IN FRONT OF MY BOSS.

LOOK, I'M SORRY. I CAN EXPLAIN, ALL RIGHT ?

I'M GLAD I'M STILL HERE, SO I CAN SLAP YOUR FACE. DON'T SLAP ME, ALL RIGHT ?

[ Grunts ]

LYNN ! LYNN, WE'RE IN THE STREET !

[ Horns Honking ] LYNN, I'M SERIOUS. THIS ONE IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER ONES.

I FEEL IT IN MY BONES. THIS BASEBALL CARD THING IS GONNA BE BIG.

I'M NOT JUST DOIN' THIS FOR ME. I'M DOIN' THIS FOR US.

I WANT YOU TO HAVE THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE.

OH, KEVIN, MONEY DOESN'T BUY PEOPLE OR LOVE OR HAPPINESS.

IT ONLY BUYS THINGS. THAT'S THE POINT !

WHEN ARE YA GONNA GROW UP ? LOOK. I'M GROWIN' NOW. SEE ? I'M GROWIN' NOW.

I'LL CHA-- BABY, I'LL CHANGE. [ Horn Honks ]

HEY, I'M TRYIN' TO HAVE AN ARGUMENT ! GET OUT OF MY WAY !

LYNN, I'M GONNA CHANGE. I'LL GET A REGULAR JOB.

KEVIN, YOU'RE 35. YOU'RE NEVER GONNA CHANGE.

LYNN, DON'T-- IF YOU DRIVE AWAY,

I'LL BE STANDING HERE POINTING !

LYNN ! LYNN !

[ Chattering, Laughing ]

HOW COULD YOU SAY I NEVER CARED ABOUT YOU ?

JACQUELINE SAYS THAT I'M A BETTER PERSON NOW, AND I KNOW I OWE THAT ALL TO YOU.

- OOH ! - [ Laughing ]

- UH-UH. - GONNA SMASH MY FACE ?

OH !

LIKE HELL.

OH. OH. OH. OH.

GET THE LIGHTS ! MOVE, MOVE, MOVE ! COME ON ! COME ON !

- WHO IS IT ? PAULY ! MY PEOPLE ! - GET OUT OF THE WAY !

WHAT'S UP, PAULY ? HEY, HOW YA DOIN' ?

- WHERE'S THE DOUGH ? - HEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO NICKY ?

NICKY RETIRED. THIS IS MY KID BROTHER JOEY.

I'M TEACHIN' HIM THE BUSINESS. HEY, WHAT'S UP, JOEY ?

- HOW YA DOIN' ? - YOU'RE A BIG GUY. YOU HUNGRY ?

LOOK, I GOT THESE NEW POP TARTS, MAN, THAT-- COOL, WITH THE FROSTING STUFF ON TOP.

WHAT ? COME ON, PAULY, I WAS HUNGRY ! YOU'RE ALWAYS HUNGRY !

- YOU DON'T NEVER LET ME EAT. - YOU'RE ALWAYS EATIN'. ALWAYS STUFFIN' YOUR FACE.

- WHY DO PEOPLE BUY THIS CRAP ? - HEY ! WHERE'S THE DOUGH ?

- IS THAT THE ONLY THING HE KNOWS HOW TO SAY ? - YOU THINK YOU'RE FUNNY ?

- UH-UH. - DON'T BE FUNNY. - [ Grunts ]

- I DON'T FEEL FUNNY. - NO.

- WHERE'S THE DOUGH ? - GUYS, THAT'S A FAIR QUESTION.

I BORROWED $5,000, AND YOU WANT YOUR MONEY BACK, RIGHT ?

FIFTY THOUSAND. THAT'S RIGHT. INTEREST AND LATE PENALTIES HAVE ACCRUED.

ACCRUED ! FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS ?

UH-HUH. I GUESS THAT SIGN IN FRONT...

OF THE BUILDING SAID "NO QUESTIONS ASKED."

GUESS I SHOULD'VE ASKED A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS, RIGHT ?

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT'S UP, OKAY ? MOST OF MY BUSINESSES ARE IN THE START-UP PHASE.

I'M MOVIN' IN INVENTORY, TRYIN' TO MAKE MONEY HAPPEN.

I GOT SOMETHIN' YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN. I--

UH, THESE BASE-- AMERICA LOVES BASEBALL.

THEY BUY THESE. YOU ALMOST SMELL THE MONEY, SEE ?

THIS'LL BE BIG MONEY. CHECK IT OUT, JOEY, MAN. GO AHEAD, SPECULATE.

OR JUST CHEW THE GUM. THAT'S AN OPTION. WHAT'RE YA DOIN' ?

SPIT IT OUT. WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH YOU ?

SPIT IT OUT ! LISTEN TO ME, FRANKLIN.

HAPPY'S GETTIN' PISSED. AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HAPPY GETS PISSED.

HE'S NOT HAPPY.

AND WHEN HE'S NOT HAPPY, HE'S PISSED. YA FOLLOW ME ?

WE WANNA KEEP HAPPY HAPPY. THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW, THE WAY I SEE IT-- CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG, JOEY.

WE GOT TWO OPTIONS:

A, WE GIVE YOU ANOTHER DAY. OR THEN B, WE'RE GONNA KILL YOU RIGHT NOW...

AND SAVE OURSELVES SOME AGGRAVATION.

I'M GONNA GO WITH A. [ Laughing, Snorting ]

- COME HERE. COME HERE. - HUH ? WHAT ?

GET OVER HERE. GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW !

- COME HERE ! WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH YOU ? - NOTHIN'.

I JUST THOUGHT THAT WAS REAL GOOD WITH THAT OPTION A AND B.

WE'RE THREATENIN' SOMEBODY HERE. YOU'RE UNDERMININ' THINGS !

PAULY, HE'S LEAVIN'.

I WAS GONNA FEED MY HAMSTER. MY HAMSTER HASN'T EATEN ALL DAY. YEAH, YEAH !

YOU GOTTA FEED 'EM, MAN, 'CAUSE THEY'RE VERY SENSITIVE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU ?

I WANT $50,000 TOMORROW OR YOU'RE DEAD.

YA HEAR ME ? AND DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT SKIPPIN' TOWN.

THAT SOUNDS FAIR.

ONE WAY TO NASSAU, BAHAMAS. AND YOUR NAME ?

CLARENCE. CLARENCE WILLIAMS III. HA-HA. YEAH.

THANK YOU, MR. WILLIAMS. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

JOEY, CUT IT OUT ! CUT IT OUT !

JUST YOU AND ME, SHAFT. YOU'LL BE THE COOLEST HAMSTER IN THE BAHAMAS.

- THERE HE IS. - THINK WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT, MAN. I THINK WE MADE IT.

WHAT ? OH, MAN. YOU REALLY DISAPPOINTED US. DIDN'T HE, JOEY ?

REALLY DISAPPOINTED US. NICE GLASSES, THOUGH.

CUT IT OUT. COME ON.

THE IMPORTANT THING IS I LEARNED SOMETHING. SHUT UP.

CHOIR MEMBERS, PLEASE STAY TOGETHER.

- LOOK ! DENZEL ! DENZEL WASHINGTON ! - [ Screaming ]

DENZEL WASHINGTON HERE IN THE AIRPORT ! HE'S IN THE AIRPORT !

- OH, GET OUT OF MY WAY ! - EXCUSE ME. SICK HAMSTER. SORRY. EXCUSE ME !

- LOOK OUT, PEOPLE ! - GET OUT OF THE WAY !

WHOO ! GOOD-BYE. SORRY.

[ Shouting ] SORRY, MISTER.

- [ Man ] MOVE THE KID ! - MOMMY !

- AW, COME ON. - [ Man ] MOVE IT !

SHAFT, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO HELP ME, BUDDY.

SHAFT, I ALWAYS SAID WHEN THE END CAME, IT WAS GONNA BE YOU OR ME. IT'S GONNA BE YOU.

I LOVE YOU. A RAT ! IT'S A RAT !

- [ People Screaming ] - THERE HE IS !

OW ! IT BIT ME ! I GOT RABIES !

OUT OF THE WAY ! [ Screaming Continues ]

GET ME THROUGH ! GET ME THROUGH !

EXCUSE ME. SORRY.

- MOVE ! MOVE, MOVE, MOVE ! WHOA ! - OOH !

- SLOW DOWN THERE, FELLA ! - DID YOU SEE HIM ?

I THOUGHT I SAW HIM. I ALMOST SAW HIM. WHAT DO YA MEAN ?

[ Panting ] OKAY, COME ON.

I TOLD HIM I'D PICK HIM UP OUT HERE.

WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE, DAD ? WELL, HE'S AROUND MY AGE.

HE'S BLACK. [ Girl ] HOW TALL IS HE, DADDY ?

I DON'T REALLY KNOW, BABY. I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN 25 YEARS.

- HE WAS ALWAYS SO PUNCTUAL. - WHAT IS PUNCTUAL ?

DO YOU SEE HIM ? DO YOU SEE HIM ? YOU THINK I SEE HIM ?

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

HEY.

DEREK ? THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'S ME ! IT'S YOU !

HOW ARE YOU DOIN' ? HOW ARE YOU DOIN' ?

[ Both Laughing ]

OH, YOU LOOK DIFFERENT. I DO ?

WELL, COME ON, MAN. WHEN YOU HAVEN'T SEEN SOMEBODY SINCE THEY WERE A KID,

YOU CAN LOOK COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

I DON'T KNOW. YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED AT ALL. I HAVEN'T ?

I WOULD'VE EXPECTED A MORE CONSERVATIVE LOOK. BUT WHAT CAN I SAY ?

I LIKE THE EARRINGS. HA-HA ! WELL, FRATERNITY THING, YOU KNOW.

DEREK, I WANT YOU TO MEET JASON, MY FUTURE ALL-AMERICAN BASKETBALL STAR.

- AND SARAH, MY LITTLE PRINCESS. - HOW YA DOIN', JASON ? HOW YA DOIN', SARAH ?

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO. I APOLOGIZE FOR MY WIFE. SHE COULDN'T MAKE IT.

YOUR WIFE ? OH, HEY, HEY, HOW IS SHE DOIN' ? BUSY.

UH, EMILY OPENED A YOGURT STORE A COUPLE OF YEARS BACK...

AND BOOM, THE CRAZY THING JUST TOOK OFF.

SHE'S GOT 35 OF THOSE SILLY STORES ALL OVER THE STATE NOW.

LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT. THAT'S NICE. COME ON. HEY, COME ON, JACOB.

BY THE WAY, IT'S JASON. OH, JASON, HOW YA DOIN' ?

[ Man ] THAT'S YOURS ? YEAH.

WHAT ? DON'T YOU HAVE ANY BAGS ?

[ Chuckles ] YEAH, I GOT A BAG. YEAH. RIGHT HERE.

ALL RIGHT. HERE'S MY BAG. LET'S GO. [ Chuckles ]

SORRY ABOUT BEIN' SO LATE.

I REMEMBER HOW CRAZY YOU USED TO BE ABOUT BEING ON TIME.

IF WE HURRY NOW, WE CAN MAKE UP FOR LOST TIME, ALL RIGHT ?

BOY, WE GOT A LOT OF CATCHIN' UP TO DO.

I CLEARED THE DECKS AT THE OFFICE, SO I'LL HAVE THE WHOLE THREE DAYS OFF.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE ONE HELL OF A MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND. YES, WE WILL !

[ P.A. ] GARY YOUNG. PAGING MR. GARY YOUNG.

WHY ARE YOU STOPPING ? THEY JUST CALLED MY NAME.

OH, YEAH, I KNOW THAT. THAT-- THAT WAS ME. WHAT WAS YOU ?

I HAD 'EM PAGE YOU 'CAUSE I WAS SITTIN' DOWN THERE AND...

YOU WERE LATE, GARY. OH.

WELL, DON'T YA THINK YOU SHOULD TELL 'EM THAT YOU FOUND ME ?

NO, THEY'LL FIGURE IT OUT. THIS IS THE AIRPORT.

HERE. THE KIDS WILL SHOW YOU WHERE THE CAR IS. LET ME GO IN AND TELL 'EM.

NO, NO, NO, NO ! HERE, YOU TAKE THE KIDS. UM, I'LL DO IT, OKAY ?

'CAUSE I WAS RUDE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKIN' ABOUT.

I'M JET-LAGGED. I'M SO TIRED. OOH, HURRY UP.

WE GOT SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT. IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN. IT'S SO GOOD.

[ P.A. ] THE WHITE ZONE-- DEREK ! DEREK !

OH ! OH ! HA-HA-HA ! YEAH !

- GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US. - HA-HA. YES. RIGHT.

DEREK ? DEREK BOND ? YES.

HI, I'M PETE, GARY'S EXECUTIVE PERSONAL ASSISTANT.

YEAH, SO ? COULD I SPEAK TO YOU FOR A SECOND, PLEASE ?

COME WITH ME, PLEASE. PLEASE COME ON.

GARY SENT ME TO TELL YOU THAT HE'S VERY SORRY, BUT YOU CAN'T STAY WITH HIM THIS WEEKEND.

WHAT ? WHY NOT ? HIS WIFE, MAN. SHE'S ILL.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER ? IT'S, UH, BOTULISM.

BOTULISM. THIS IS TERRIBLE. WHAT ABOUT THE THING I CAME TO DO ?

WHAT THING ? IT'S A DISEASE, MAN. AIN'T NO THING. IT'S OFF.

IT'S OFF. WELL, GREAT. IT'S OFF. THERE'S NO THING.

I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THAT DAMN THING ANYWAY. I HATE THOSE THINGS.

DID GARY MENTION ANYTHING ? IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR THEM ?

AS A MATTER OF FACT, THERE'S TWO THINGS HE WANTED YOU TO DO. WHAT ?

FIRST OF ALL, THEY WANT YOU TO WEAR THIS HAT. I DON'T WEAR HATS.

THE WOMAN'S IN A COMA ! THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS WEAR THE HAT. I'LL WEAR THE HAT !

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT: WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT CALL THE HOUSE. WHY NOT ?

SOUND TRIGGERS IT OFF, MAN. THAT PHONE RINGS-- BAM !

I'M TALKIN' ABOUT VOMIT COMIN' UP.

THE WOMAN'S GOT THE SHAKES. FOAM'S COMIN' OUT THE MOUTH. YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT.

YEAH, THAT'S UGLY. GARY'S GONNA CALL YOU WHEN EVERYTHING'S ALL RIGHT.

YOU WEAR THAT HAT. KEEP HOPE ALIVE.

CAN YOU SEE HIM ? I SEE HIM !

OH !

- [ Man ] COMIN' THROUGH. - OH, SORRY.

WRONG GUY. ME TOO.

- HELP ! - DEREK !

HEY, WHAT'S UP ? I'M COMIN', GARY ! [ Horns Honking ]

GET OUT OF THE WAY ! HEY, YOU FOOL !

[ Horns Honking ]

- HEY, JERK ! - I'M COMIN', GARY !

- HEY, LOOK OUT ! - OHH !

- [ Brakes Screech ] - HEY, FOOL !

WHOO ! WHOO !

HEY, WHAT'S THE HURRY ? JUST WANNA GET THIS PARTY STARTED.

- GREAT. JASON, DO YOU HAVE YOUR SEAT BELT ON ? - NO.

WE'RE NOT LEAVING 'TIL YOU PUT IT ON.

- JASON TOOK MY SEAT BELT. - JASON, GIVE YOUR SISTER BACK HER SEAT BELT.

- NOW TELL SARAH YOU'RE SORRY. - DO I HAVE TO ?

- YES, YOU DO. - SORRY !

[ Horn Honks ]

PAUL ! PAUL ! PAULY ! PAULY ! PAULY ! PAULY !

GIVE ME THE KEYS ! MOVE OVER ! YOU WANNA DRIVE ?

HEY, WATCH IT ! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU ? I GOT A BAD KNEE HERE !

WELL, YOU WANNA TAKE A RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE AND--

- [ Shouts ] - [ Shouts ]

- WHOA ! - [ Laughing ]

[ Moaning, Shouting ]

- OHH ! - OOH ! WHOO !

WHOO ! SOME TIGHT STEERING, BOY !

[ Laughing ] SAFE CAR TOO.

COOL. [ Gary and Kevin Chuckling ]

FRANKLIN !

OH, FRANKLIN. ALL RIGHT, GET THE CAR, JOEY.

PAULY. GET THE CAR !

HEY ! HEY ! HEY ! THAT'S MY CAR ! THAT'S MY BROTHER'S CAR !

OH, UH, YOU WANTED TO TURN OFF HERE.

I CAN MAKE IT. YOU CAN TAKE THE NEXT--

- [ Screams ] - ALL RIGHT ! - I CAN MAKE IT.

- GO THROUGH ! - WHOA !

- I CAN MAKE THIS. - YIPPEE !

[ Children Laughing ] YOU COULDN'T DO THIS WITH AN AMERICAN CAR.

BOY, OH, BOY. YOU HAVE CHANGED.

YOU USED TO BE SO UPTIGHT WHEN WE WERE KIDS.

YOU USED TO LECTURE US ON BICYCLE SAFETY.

I HAVEN'T BEEN THE SAME SINCE THE ACCIDENT.

WHAT ACCIDENT ?

I WAS SCUBA DIVING IN THE CAYMAN ISLANDS WITH MY FRIENDS,

AND WE WERE OUT LOOKING FOR STINGRAY.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, TWO GREAT WHITE SHARKS CAME OUT OF NOWHERE.

BAM ! JUST ATTACKED US. AND THEY WAS-- THEY WAS VICIOUS !

IT WAS LIKE A SCENE OUT OF JAWS.

THERE WAS JUST BLOOD AND BUBBLES AND BUTTS, AND EVERYTHING WAS--

I SAW HIM BITE MY FRIEND. HIS HEAD CAME OFF,

AND HIS EYE WAS ON ME !

HIS EYE WAS ON ME ! OH, GOD ! OH !

EASY. [ Gasping ]

OH, MY GOD !

I'M OKAY.

WELL, THIS IS GREAT.

YEAH. THIS IS GREAT.

I MEAN, THIS IS REALLY GREAT.

[ Gary ] I CAN'T BELIEVE AFTER ALL THESE YEARS,

IT ONLY TOOK ONE PHONE CALL TO GET YOUR BUTT TO PITTSBURGH...

SO WE COULD REKINDLE THAT OLD FRIENDSHIP.

[ Kevin ] WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, UH, GARY.

FRIENDS DON'T GROW ON TREES. NO, THEY DON'T.

[ Chuckling ] REMEMBER HOW WE ALWAYS USED TO SING THIS SONG ?

* GOOD NIGHT, IRENE GOOD NIGHT *

* GOOD NIGHT, IRENE GOOD NIGHT * * GOOD... NIGHT

* GOOD NIGHT, IRENE GOOD NIGHT * * IR... ENE... NIGHT

* IRENE ** [ Humming ]

* I WISH I HAD SOME DAIRY QUEEN *

[ Laughing ] AH, YEAH !

* I'LL SEE YOU IN MY * I'LL... SEE YOU... IN... MY *

* DREAMS * * DREAMS *

YEAH. SAY, HOW'S YOUR WIFE ? HEARD SHE WAS ILL. MY WIFE ?

YEAH. UM... SHE'S DEAD, GARY.

WHAT ? I JUST SPOKE TO HER YESTERDAY ! I MEAN... SHE'S DEAD INSIDE, UM,

FROM THE LOSS OF OUR SON.

YOUR SON ? I THOUGHT HE'S AT PRINCETON !

THAT'S WHAT I MEAN. YOU SEE, WE THOUGHT WE'D LOST OUR SON TO THE IVY LEAGUE.

OH ! [ Chuckling ]

WE JUST MISPLACED HIM MOMENTARILY.

- YOU MISPLACED A PERSON MOMENTARILY ? - I GUESS WE DID.

IF I DON'T GET THAT MONEY BY THE CONCLUSION OF THIS HOLIDAY WEEKEND,

- I'M GONNA BE PISSED. - OH, DON'T BE PISSED.

[ Chattering on TV ] OH, LOTTO'S ON !

LOTTO ? LOUDER ?

[ Announcer ] TO WIN $1 MILLION, GIVE IT A SPIN.

- WHERE'D HE GO ? - LET'S SEE WHERE IT STOPS. ONE MILLION DOLLARS !

- SHIT ! - HELLO ! - LISTEN, GODDAMN IT !

I WANT FRANKLIN, OR YOU'RE GONNA BE LOOKIN' AT THE WRONG END OF AN ICE PICK.

- OH, GOD. - VERY CLOSELY !

- WE'LL FIND HIM. I SWEAR TO GOD. - GIVE ME THAT PEPPER !

HAPPY'S NOT HAPPY.

WHO IS HE, THEN ?

HI, GARY ! HI !

DEREK, I REALLY HAVE TO THANK YOU AGAIN. YOU'RE WELCOME.

NO. THANKS FOR AGREEING TO DO THIS THING TODAY.

THE THING ? WELL, I MEAN, HOW BAD COULD IT BE ?

I MEAN, WHEN YOU STOP AND THINK ABOUT IT,

WHAT IS THIS THING, REALLY ?

YES. WELL, YOU'RE A BRAVER MAN THAN I.

SORRY ! OH, THERE HE IS.

I WANT YOU TO MEET DEREK BOND. DEREK, NANCY PIKE.

MRS. PIKE IS THE HEAD OF THE SCHOOL BOARD AND MY BOSS' WIFE.

OH. [ Laughing ] IT IS SUCH A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

I WONDER IF I COULD HURRY YOU ALONG. WE'RE A LITTLE BIT LATE.

JUST COME RIGHT THIS WAY.

- CATCH YA LATER, BUDDY ! - COME RIGHT UP THESE STAIRS RIGHT HERE.

YOU'RE NOT LISTENING. IT'S ALL RIGHT. WE JUST HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE CURTAIN.

AND HERE WE ARE. NOW, IF I COULD JUST ASK YOU TO SIT DOWN.

THERE. OH, GENTLEMEN, WE ARE ABOUT TO BEGIN.

WOULD YOU PLEASE TAKE YOUR SEATS ? THANK YOU.

[ Nancy ] GREETINGS, STUDENTS AND FACULTY.

ON BEHALF OF THE SEWICKLEY SCHOOL FOUNDATION,

I WANT TO PERSONALLY WELCOME ALL OUR DISTINGUISHED SPEAKERS...

AND ALL OF YOU TO CAREER DAY.

NOW LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO OUR FIRST SPEAKER, DEREK BOND.

BUT FIRST, LET ME TELL YOU A FEW THINGS ABOUT DEREK.

HE HAS COME A LONG WAY TO TALK TO US TODAY,

AND HE HAS HAD A DISTINGUISHED CAREER AS A, UM--

[ Chuckles ]

A PROFESSIONAL IN HIS FIELD.

BUT I WILL LET HIM TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THAT.

JOIN ME IN A WARM WELCOME FOR DEREK BOND.

[ Chuckling ] NO, YOU, DEREK. NOW.

YES. NOW.

THERE HE IS, HONEY.

[ Chuckling ]

I'D LIKE TO THANK MRS. PIKE FOR THE WARM WELCOMAGE, UH, ADDRESSING SPEECH.

UM-- [ Chuckles ] YEAH.

CAREER-- OOH, I HAD SOME NOTES. [ Student ] SIT DOWN !

I NEED TO GO TO THE CAR. I HAD SOME NOTES. IF I GET THOSE NOTES--

I THINK WE SHOULD LET THE MAN WITH THE HIGH-WATER PANTS GO FIRST.

HIS PANTS ARE GETTING SHORT. OH, DEREK, YOU KNOW YOU'RE JUST JOKING.

YOU KNOW YOUR SECRETARY HAS SENT ALL YOUR SLIDES AHEAD OF YOU.

OH, SHE DID ? YES. HARVEY, WILL YOU START THE SLIDE SHOW, PLEASE ?

HERE IS YOUR CLICKER, AND I KNOW YOU KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

- I'LL CLICK 'EM. - THAT'S IT.

[ Kevin ] THANKS. THANKS, HARVEY.

[ Chuckles ] BEAUTIFUL DRESS.

WELL, HERE GOES NOTHIN'. OH, THAT'S A-- YEAH.

[ Laughter ]

[ Shouts Of Disgust ]

HEY.

- [ Crowd Shouting ] - WHOO ! A SANDWICH IS A SANDWICH, BUT THAT'S A MEAL.

- [ Crowd Shouting ] - I WONDER WHAT THAT'D BE LIKE WITH A NICE LEMONADE.

- [ Chuckling ] - THAT LOOKS LIKE THE INSIDE OF MY REFRIGERATOR.

- [ Laughing ] WHAT IS THAT ? - AAGH !

OH ! OH ! [ Students Shouting ]

OOH ! OH ! OOH ! I'M SORRY ! GET THE LIGHTS !

- [ Laughing ] - OH !

[ Applause ] THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I THINK YOU'VE LEARNED ALL THAT I COULD TEACH YOU ABOUT MY CAREER.

IT'S TIME TO HAVE DR. VON FLEISENBERG,

WHO IS THE LEADING HAIR TRANSPLANT SCIENTIST IN THE COUNTRY,

TO DISCUSS-- [ Chuckling ] NOT YET, DEREK.

THANK YOU, PROFESSOR VON... WHATEVER,

BUT, UH, I'M SURE WE HAVE TIME FOR JUST ONE QUESTION.

OH, YES. MR. ICHABOD,

THE HEAD OF OUR SCIENCE DEPARTMENT.

UH, CHAPTER FIVE OF YOUR BOOK.

YOU SAID THERE ARE MANY THINGS YOU WOULD DO DIFFERENTLY IF YOU COULD DO THEM OVER AGAIN.

- WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THAT ? - UH, CHAPTER FIVE ?

- IN YOUR BOOK. - WHAT I MEANT BY THAT WHEN I PUT THAT IN THERE...

WAS THAT, UM, I PADDED THE BOOK IMMENSELY.

I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE ELIMINATED CHAPTER FIVE AND GONE STRAIGHT TO SIX.

I WROTE IT 'CAUSE YOU HAVE TO HAVE FIVE TO GET TO SIX.

YOU DON'T HAVE THE SLIGHTEST IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, DO YOU ?

WHAT ? LISTEN HERE. SO IF YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT WHAT I DO...

SINCE YOU KNOW MORE THAN I DO, THEN WHY DON'T YOU COME UP HERE, MR. SMARTY-PANTS,

- MR. I-DON'T-HAVE-A-WOMAN. - WELL, I, UH-- - WHY DON'T YOU COME UP HERE...

AND TELL ME, MR. ICKY-BODY ?

I'M WAITING. HMM ? HMM ? [ Scattered Applause ]

- I-I'M SORRY. - YOU ARE SORRY.

AND PASS OUT THOSE COPIES OF MY BOOKS. BY THE WAY, THERE'S A FREE TICKET...

FOR THE PEARL JAM CONCERT INSIDE EACH ONE OF THOSE BOOKS.

- H-H-HEY ! - HELP ! HELP !

THAT WAS A GREAT SPEECH, DEREK.

ANYTIME I CAN HELP OUT WITH THE KIDS, YOU JUST LET ME KNOW.

OH, I WANT YOU TO MEET MY OLDEST, BROOKE.

DEREK, BROOKE. SWEETIE, THIS IS DEREK BOND.

- HI. - AND THIS IS BROOKE'S, UH, FRIEND ?

STEVE. YO, MY MAN. HOW MANY TIMES I GOT TO TELL YOU...

I AIN'T DOWN WITH STEVE, 'KAY ?

CALL ME ST-3, ALL RIGHT ? ST-3 !

YO, G. YOUR SPEECH ? DID OKAY.

THE BUTTERS, YO, CAN'T DIG WHERE'S AT, MAN ! [ Laughing ]

YOU BE DROPPIN' SOME SERIOUS SCIENCE OUT THERE, YO ?

WE GOTTA HANG. PEEPS OUT HERE DON'T KNOW WHAT'S UP.

WHO ? PEEPS. THE PEOPLE.

- OH, THE PEOPLE. YEAH. - LIKED THE GIG.

WELL, THANK YOU, MAN. AIN'T NO THING BUT A CHICKEN WING.

[ Laughing ] ANYWAY, WE OUTTY 5,000.

YOU STAY TAN, NOW. ALL RIGHT, MAN.

- YOU COMIN' OR YOU COMIN' ? - I'M RIGHT HERE. I'M RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

- BE CAREFUL, HON. - [ Brooke ] WHATEVER.

- IS, UH, BRO-MAN FROM AROUND HERE ? - WHOO-HOO !

HE'S A STATE SENATOR'S SON. OH.

HI, MR. YOUNG.

[ Horn Honks ]

THIS IS PERFECT.

WE'D LIKE TO THINK OF IT AS OUR LITTLE PIECE OF HEAVEN. OH, MAN.

- [ Growling, Barks ] - HEY, HEY. WHAT'S UP WITH THE DOG ?

- [ Barks ] - WELL, THAT'S FUNNY.

CARL LIKES EVERYBODY. CARL. HEY, UH, GOOD DOG, CARL.

[ Gary ] COME ON, SARAH.

WHOA ! JASON !

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO PICK THAT DAMN THING UP ?

A LOT, I THINK.

IT'S PROBABLY SEVERAL, MAYBE.

- COME ON. - COME ON, CARL. LET'S GO FIND A CAT.

COME ON, BUDDY.

WHOA. NICE CRIB.

IS MY WIFE HOME YET ? SHE'S ON THE PHONE, MR. YOUNG.

WE WENT ALL OUT ON YOUR BEHALF.

I HOPE EVERYTHING FITS YOUR DIETARY NEEDS.

[ Chuckles ] UM, THAT LOOKS GOOD. CAN I TRY SOME ?

SURE, GO AHEAD. OOH. OH !

- WHAT IS THAT ? - PUREE OF PARSNIP AND CROOK-NECK SQUASH.

- I THOUGHT IT WAS NACHO CHEESE. - NO, SIR. ONLY VEGETABLES FOR THE VEGETARIAN.

I'M A VEGETARIAN. WE KNOW, DEREK. DON'T YOU WORRY.

YOUR SECRETARY FAXED US ALL THE SPECIFICS ON YOUR DIET,

AND WE FOLLOWED THOSE GUIDELINES TO THE T.

OH, THAT TAKES A LOAD OFF MY MIND. DON'T BURN YOUR FINGERS ON THAT MEAT.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT, DEREK.

I JUST DON'T THINK I COULD EVER SAY NO TO A BIG, JUICY CHEESEBURGER.

JUST VEGETABLES FOR ME.

- NO, NO, NO, NO. - MOMMY ! MOMMY ! MOMMY !

HONEY, YES, RIGHT HERE. UH-HUH. NO. [ Chattering On Phone ]

I FELT VERY STRONGLY ABOUT THAT. MOMMY, MOMMY !

I WASN'T CONSULTED. NO, I DIDN'T THINK SO. CREAM SAUCE. THANK YOU.

- MOMMY ! - NO. UH-HUH. UH-HUH.

- THIS IS MY WIFE. EMILY, DEREK. - HI. OKAY.

I'M SORRY I DIDN'T MEET YOU AT THE AIRPORT, BUT I'VE JUST BEEN SO BUSY.

- MOMMY ! - JUST, UH-- UH-HUH.

WE JUST OPENED THREE NEW YOGURT SHOPS IN EASTERN PENNSYLVANIA.

YEAH, I-I-I TOLD HIM. HOLD IT. HOLD IT. I'M RIGHT HERE.

HOLD ON ! WAIT ! WAIT ! HOLD ON. OKAY.

LOOK, I WOULD GIVE YOU THE GRAND TOUR, BUT I CAN'T.

I GOT TO GET THE KIDS READY FOR THE PARTY.

IF YOU'D LIKE TO WASH UP, YOUR ROOM IS UPSTAIRS ON THE LEFT.

SECOND DOOR. WELCOME ABOARD.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

THAT WAS NOT MY DECISION. WELL, I THOUGHT I MADE IT PRETTY CLEAR THAT WAS YOUR DECISION.

[ Both Laughing ]

SECOND DOOR ON THE LEFT, RIGHT ? GOOD TO SEE YA, BUDDY.

HEY, YOU FORGOT YOUR, UH, BAG HERE. OH, THANK YOU.

[ Laughing ]

JORDAN FOR TWO ! IT'S--

NOT.

- HEY, DAD ! - JUST A SECOND, SON.

COULD YOU HELP THEM ? I JUST WANNA SHOW YOU SOMETHIN' REAL QUICK.

THIS IS MY ONLY SHOT FOR THREE.

COME ON. SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT. ALL RIGHT.

OH. [ Winces ]

[ Ball Bounces ] WELL, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WORK HARDER, SON,

IF YOU WANNA MAKE IT TO THE BIG LEAGUES.

OH.

I'M HOME.

YEOWW ! HA-HA ! [ Grunts ]

[ Chattering ] PILLOW, PILLOW FOR ME.

[ Gibbering ] I AM PILLOWMAN ! PILLOWMAN TO THE RESCUE !

WHOO ! PUT THE LIME IN THE COCONUT, AND MIX IT ALL UP.

DADDY TOLD ME TO GIVE THESE TO YOU.

WELL, UH, HERE YA GO.

WILL YOU TEACH ME FRENCH ?

- FRENCH ? - DADDY SAID YOU LIVED IN FRANCE FOR A WHILE.

OH ! OH, YES, BUT... AREN'T YOU A LITTLE YOUNG FOR FRENCH ?

- I ALREADY KNOW SOME. - OH, YOU DO, HUH ?

- BONJOUR. THAT MEANS HELLO. - TELL YA WHAT--

- AU REVOIR. THAT MEANS GOOD-BYE. - YOU ARE A FRENCHWOMAN.

COMMENT ALLEZ-VOUS ? THAT MEANS "HOW ARE YOU ?"

YOU KNOW WHAT ? THAT'S ENOUGH FRENCH FOR TODAY. HOW ABOUT IF WE PLAY A LITTLE GAME ?

- TELL ME WHAT YOUR FATHER TOLD YOU ABOUT ME. - HE KNOWS YOU FROM SUMMER CAMP.

- SUMMER CAMP. THAT'S RIGHT. - YOU LIVE IN BALTIMORE.

I BET YOU DON'T KNOW THIS: WHAT DO I DO FOR A LIVING ?

YOU'RE A VERY SUCCESSFUL-- [ Emily ] SARAH, STOP BOTHERING DEREK !

- SARAH, NO ! SARAH ! - COMING, MOMMY ! - SARAH, I NEED TO KNOW--

SARAH ! NO, SARAH ! HEY, BUDDY.

- HEY ! - BETTER GET READY.

- YOU'RE GONNA WANNA DRESS NICE FOR THE THING TONIGHT. - OH, YES, THE THING.

OF COURSE. THE THING. WH-- I CAN'T WAIT.

- ME, NEITHER. - YEAH. [ Moans ]

ALL RIGHT. LET'S SEE WHAT WE GOT.

I DON'T CARE IF IT DON'T LOOK GOOD. JUST FIT.

"G.F.H." ?

"GROVERTON FUNERAL HOME" ? I'M DEAD. I'M DEAD.

MOM ! YOU ARE GROUNDED, YOUNG LADY.

I WANT YOU TO STAY IN YOUR ROOM FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT.

GREAT.

GET IN HERE. [ Chuckling ] HI.

COME ON. OH.

HOW YA DOIN' ? HI. HOW YA DOIN' ?

YES ! MAY I HAVE ONE OF THOSE BIG, FAT-- YEAH, THERE IT IS.

THERE YOU GO. HI.

OH, HELLO.

DEREK, I WANT YOU TO MEET A FRIEND OF MINE: TOM MILLER.

HEY, WHAT'S UP ? IS THAT A BURGER YOU HAVE BEHIND YOUR BACK ?

OH, THIS ?

THIS FATTY, HIGH-CHOLESTEROL, STEROID-INJECTED PIECE OF BEEF ?

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS DOES TO SOMEBODY'S HEART ? YOU ARE POISONING YOUR GUESTS !

NOW, I'M JUST ASHAMED OF YOU.

- WE TRY TO BUY THE BEST MEAT. - LOOK, I'M SORRY, MAN. I'M A VEGETARIAN.

IF IT WAS UP TO ME, I'D WIPE THIS MEAT OFF THERE ! I JUST GET EMOTIONAL.

TOM CHAIRS THE CHESS, BRIDGE AND, OF COURSE, POKER NIGHT DOWN AT THE CLUB.

[ Evil Laughter ]

WHAT DOES THAT STAND FOR ? OH, THE GAMING FOUNDATION OF HARLEM.

- I'VE HEARD OF THAT. IT'S A CHARITABLE ORGANIZATION. - YOU SAID IT.

OH, YEAH. HE'S A NICE GUY. OH, HE'S THE GENUINE ARTICLE.

WHAT DOES THAT STAND FOR ? MY GREAT-GRANDFATHER,

GENERAL, UH, FRANCOIS HEIMLICHMANEUVER.

WORLD WAR I AND II. I SEE. GOOD GUY.

WHAT DOES IT STAND FOR ? GEMSTONES, FURS AND HABERDASHERIES.

GRADUATED FULL HONORS. OXFORD ? I GUESS YOU WOULD KNOW ABOUT THAT.

I WENT TO HARVARD. YEAH, RIGHT. HARVARD STREET.

IT'S A GOSPEL GROUP I WAS WITH: GODLINESS, FAITHFUL AND HONEST. AH, AMEN.

GEEKS FOR HIRE. IT'S A TEMPORARY SERVICE. YOU'D FIT IN. CALL US.

- GAS FROM HUMANS. - GIRLS FROM THE HOOD. - G-STRINGS FOR THE HUGE.

- GOTTA FEED THE HUNGRY. - GIRLS FEEDIN' THE HOMIES. - IS THAT A JOKE ?

* GODLINESS, FAITHFUL AND HONEST *

GOOD, FINE AND HEALTHY. AND BABY, YOU IT.

BAM ! YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN' ? HMM !

DEREK. RONALD TIMMERMAN. GREAT TO KNOW YA.

I HEAR YOU'RE ONE OF THE TOP GUYS.

- WELL, YOU KNOW. I JUST DO WHAT I DO. - [ Laughing ]

YOU MUST'VE HEARD OF ME. YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A LOT OF MUTUAL FRIENDS.

- I DON'T THINK SO. - TIMMERMAN. RONALD TIMMERMAN.

PENN STATE, HOPKINS. I HAD TWO PAPERS PUBLISHED IN THE JOURNAL LAST YEAR.

OH, R TIMMERMAN. I THOUGHT YOU SAID ROB. RON ! RON'S LIKE ROB.

- ROB'S LIKE RON. - STUFFED MUSHROOM ?

OH, GEE. CAN'T YOU SEE I'M IN TRAINING ? I'M A RUNNER.

I'M TOP SEED IN THE SEWICKLEY 5K.

DEREK. HAVIN' A GOOD TIME ? [ Laughing ] HOLD ON.

JERRY JORDAN. THE J-MAN !

[ Laughing ] HEY, GARY TELLS ME YOU'RE THE BEST IN YOUR FIELD.

JANEY. JANEY. I WANT YOU TO LOOK AT MY WIFE.

HEY, HEY ! HUH ? WELL, D-MAN, WHAT DO YOU THINK ?

- YOU'RE A LUCKY MAN. - SO DOES THAT MEAN YOU CAN DO SOMETHING FOR HER ?

OH ! OH, I-- OH ! I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO DO IT FOR FREE.

I'D PAY YA. YOU COULDN'T PAY ME.

OH, I INSIST. YOU SEE THE SIZE OF THAT MOTH ?

IT'S GONNA GET IN SOMEBODY'S HAIR. I'VE GOT TO GET IT.

[ Laughing ] THAT GUY'S A HOOT.

YOU TOLD ME HE WAS A STUFFED SHIRT CONSERVATIVE.

NO, NOT SINCE THE ACCIDENT. THE ACCIDENT ?

THERE'S A LOT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT DEREK.

COME ON. LET'S GET SOME FOOD. I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT.

DID YOU GO TO SUMMER CAMP WHEN YOU WERE A KID ?

OH. [ Chuckling ] OH, YES, INDEED. WE WENT TO CAMP MAPLERIDGE.

SAME CABIN BOTH YEARS. LEGENDARY CABIN SIX.

IT WAS ON A BEAUTIFUL LAKE. CABA-- CABACLOU-- SOME INDIAN NAME.

ACT LIKE YOU'RE TALKIN' TO ME.

DEREK TAUGHT ME HOW TO PLAY "SPIN THE BOTTLE."

NOT WITH THE TWO OF US. YOU KNOW, WITH THE GIRLS.

HI. MICHELLE CASTEL. I TEACH FRENCH AT THE HIGH SCHOOL.

UNDERSTAND YOU'RE FLUENT. BONJOUR, BONJOUR. BONJOUR.

WHATEVER DEREK PUT HIS MIND TO, HE ALWAYS MANAGED TO PULL IT OFF.

[ Speaking French ] MICHELLE, MY BELLE. ** [ Humming ]

I WASN'T TOO SURPRISED WHEN I FOUND OUT HE WAS A D.D.S.

A D.D.S. ?

A DENTIST. DID I USE THE TERM IMPROPERLY ?

NO. I AM A DENTIST ! YOU DON'T USE D.D.S. ONCE YOU GRADUATE. I AM A DENTIST !

NOT D.D.S. ! I AM A DENT-- GIVE ME SOME ! I'M A DENTIST !

I AM A DENTIST ! COULDN'T BE PROUDER ! IF YOU CAN'T HEAR ME,

I'LL YELL A LITTLE LOUDER !

IT'S NICE TO SEE SOMEONE WHO TRULY ENJOYS HIS WORK. YES.

I'M SORRY. I SAW THESE BEAUTIFUL SMILES. I'M A DENTIST.

I JUST GET EXCITED. I LOVE MY JOB.

HOW YA DOIN' ?

HEY, LOOK, I'M SORRY IF I INSULTED YOU EARLIER.

I JUST GOT SO EXCITED. CAN I DO THIS FOR YOU ? GO AHEAD.

THANK YOU. YOU KNOW, I WORKED MY WAY THROUGH DENTAL SCHOOL DOIN' THIS.

- MM-HMM. - [ Grunting ]

- WHOA ! - [ Shouting ]

[ Moaning ]

OHH ! SORRY.

NEED SOME HELP OVER HERE. ANYBODY GOT A HOSE ?

AND NOW FOR THE THING WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.

MY GOOD FRIEND DEREK, OENOPHILE EXTRAORDINAIRE,

WILL INTRODUCE US TO SOME OF MY FAVORITE WINES.

WE HAVE A GREAT SELECTION. THE WAITERS WILL BE SERVING YOU.

BUT FIRST, DEREK, YOUR COMMENTS.

[ Laughter ]

THANK YOU, GARY. THANK YOU.

WELL, LIKE GARY SAID, WE HAVE SOME DARK WINES AND SOME LIGHT WINES...

FOR DARK AND LIGHT PEOPLE. [ Laughter ]

HEH-HEH-HEH. THIS ONE HERE IS A... CHATTY LAUGH-IT.

[ Laughter ] THIS IS A HAPPY WINE.

NO SENSE HOLDING THE PARTY UP. WHY DON'T WE JUST PASS THIS AROUND AND DRINK UP ?

DON'T YOU SMELL THE CORK ? SWIRL IT AROUND THE GLASS ? WHAT ABOUT THE NOSE ?

WHAT ABOUT THE BOOTY ? [ Laughing ] [ Laughter ]

YOU WANT THE CORK, HERE YOU GO. BESIDES, WHO ARE YOU TO TELL ME,

XYLOPHONE EXTRAORDINAIRE, HOW TO TASTE WINE ? [ Laughter ]

VINCENT MONTGOMERY, WINE CRITIC FOR THE SEWICKLEY REGISTER.

OH ! OOH !

- MAY I ? - YES, YOU MAY.

[ Inhales ]

- AH ! - PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

[ Inhales ]

[ Gurgling ]

[ Gargling ]

[ Swallows ]

- [ Crowd Muttering ] - I LIKE MY WINE BRIGHT,

RICH, MATURE, DEVELOPED,

SEDUCTIVE, WITH NICE LEGS...

AND A PROLONGED FINISH.

WELL, SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED A WOMAN. [ Laughter ]

SOME FOLKS DRINK WINE; SOME PEOPLE DATE.

[ Laughter ] OKAY, GIVE ME THAT BOTTLE. [ Laughing ]

COME ON, FOLKS. DRINK UP. THIS IS A PARTY.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, WHY DON'T YOU DRINK IT RIGHT OUT OF THE BOTTLE, MAN ?

THAT'S THE WAY. YOU WANT YOUR PARTY STARTED RIGHT ?

[ All Shouting ] HERE. HERE YOU GO. OUT OF THE BOTTLE. YOU CAN DO IT.

- GO ! GO ! GO ! GO ! - [ All Chanting ] GO ! GO ! GO ! GO !

GO ! GO ! GO ! GO ! GO ! GO ! GO ! GO ! GO ! GO !

- [ Cheering, Applause ] - THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT !

NOW, THIS IS A PARTY, PEOPLE ! DRINK UP ! DRINK UP !

- [ Laughing ] - [ Moaning ]

- HUBBA HUBBA ! - HEY ! HO ! I'M HERE !

- A PARTY IN THE CRIB ! - [ Shouting, Laughing ]

* SHE'S A BRICK HOUSE [ Laughing ]

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

- [ Laughing Hysterically ] - I LOVE YOU !

* THIS IS HOW THE STORY GOES *

[ Moans ] * SHE KNOWS SHE'S GOT EVERYTHING *

- [ Snoring ] - * THE WOMAN NEEDS TO GET A MAN *

- [ Shouting ] - * WHEN SHE MOVES IT SAYS

- * THIRTY-SIX, TWENTY-FOUR THIRTY-SIX * - UH-HUH.

- * WHAT A WINNING HAND - * 'CAUSE SHE'S A BRICK HOUSE *

* SHE'S MIGHTY MIGHTY JUST LETTIN' IT ALL HANG OUT *

- * SHE'S A BRICK HOUSE - [ Singing Operatically ]

[ Shouting, Laughing Singing ]

- * SHE'S A BRICK - HO ! - * HOUSE

- * YEAH, SHE'S THE ONE THE ONLY ONE * - POW !

* BUILT FOR HAVIN' FUN

* BRICK HOUSE

[ Snores ]

** [ Thrash Metal ]

* KILL YOUR PARENTS KILL YOUR PARENTS *

* KILL THEM KILL THEM ALL * HA-HA-HA-HA !

OUR DAUGHTER IS GETTING WEIRDER AND WEIRDER.

OH, SHE'LL GROW OUT OF IT.

EMILY, DON'T YOU SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE ?

YOU'VE GOTTA SPEND MORE TIME WITH THE GIRLS. MM-HMM.

MORE TIME WITH THEM, LESS TIME WITH EMILY'S YOGURT MADNESS.

MM-HMM. IT'S A QUESTION OF PRIORITIES, HONEY.

THAT'S NOT FAIR. AT LEAST DEREK HASN'T LET SUCCESS CHANGE HIM.

HE STILL ACTS LIKE HE DID WHEN HE WAS 12.

TALKING TO HIM, YOU'D NEVER KNOW HE WAS A DENTIST. YOU'D NEVER KNOW HE WAS ANYTHING.

HE DIDN'T SAY A THING ABOUT WORK ALL NIGHT.

WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S SECURE.

- WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN ? - MM-HMM.

WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT BEING SECURE. YOU SAID HE'S SECURE. WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN ?

OH. WELL, I JUST MEANT WHEN I FIRST MET HIM,

I SAID, "THIS IS A GUY WHO KNOWS WHO HE IS.

HE'S COMFORTABLE WITH IT."

[ Scoffs, Grunts ] COMFORTABLE.

WHO'S INSECURE ?

- HUH ? - WELL, YOU SAID HE'S SECURE.

THE IMPLICATION IS THAT SOMEONE'S INSECURE. WHO'S THAT ?

WHO IS HE ?

[ Sputtering ] LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO ARGUE WITH YOU.

I-- WHO'S INSECURE ?

YOU SAID HE'S SECURE.

YES, HE IS. I SAID THAT HE WAS. I DON'T--

NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. THANKS... SO MUCH.

ARE WE HAVING AN ARGUMENT ?

SURE YOU KNOW WHAT A HARLEY LOOKS LIKE ?

BETTER NOT LOOK LIKE NO HONDA.

[ Bell Rings ]

- [ Grunts ] - UH, JUST TAKE A SEAT.

- READ A MAGAZINE OR SOMETHING. I'LL BE WITH YOU. - BUDDY !

WAIT YOUR TURN LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE !

[ Larry Chuckles ]

- [ Groans ] - NEXT. WE SEEM TO HAVE AN OPENING.

WHERE'S FRANKLIN ? WHO ?

- KEVIN FRANKLIN. - [ Phone Ringing ] - FRANKLIN !

USED YOUR NAME AS A REFERENCE ON HIS LOAN REQUEST.

I DON'T KNOW NO FRANKLIN. I MEAN--

YOU DON'T ANSWER YOUR PHONE WHEN IT RINGS ? YOU WANNA ANSWER IT.

ANSWER IT ! OKAY. WHAT ?

- WHERE'VE YOU BEEN, MAN ? - THANK GOD IT'S YOU, UH... MOTHER.

- MAN, ARE YOU TRIPPIN ? - SHE'S TELLIN' ME ABOUT HER TRIP TO FLORIDA.

- NICE. TELL HER TO HURRY UP. - I'M STAYIN' WITH SOME FAMILY IN SEWICKLEY.

THEY THINK I'M A DENTIST. I NEED YOU TO COME GET ME RIGHT NOW, MAN.

NO. NO, NO. MOM, UH...

I WILL NOT COME AND GET YOU NO MATTER HOW MUCH I'D LIKE TO,

BECAUSE I HAVE TWO VERY ANGRY ITALIAN CUSTOMERS RIGHT HERE,

AND THEY ARE DEMANDING SERVICE ! [ Pauly ] THAT'S RIGHT.

- THEY'RE THERE. - MAYBE YOU BETTER STAY PUT, MOM.

- WHAT AM I GONNA DO ? - BE A GOOD HOUSEGUEST, MOM, YOU KNOW ?

IF THE FOLKS ASK YOU TO DO SOMETHING, JUST SAY, "YES. NO PROBLEM. SURE."

AND MAYBE THEY'LL LIKE YOU AND LET YOU STAY.

COME ON. YES. NO PROBLEM. SURE.

- MAN-- - I GOTTA GO. UH... I LOVE YOU, SON.

PAULY ! MAMA. M-MAMA'S SON.

M-MAMA-SAN ! SHE'S HALF JAPANESE. FRANKLIN, IS THIS YOU ?

- IS IT HIM ? - [ High-Pitched Voice ] WHO IS THIS ?

I WAS TALKIN' TO MY SON. I NEED TO BUY DEPENDS. I'M SORRY, LADY.

IT AIN'T EASY WHEN YOU USE THE BATHROOM ON YOURSELF.

- I'M SORRY, LADY. - LOOK. OH, I DONE USED THE BATHROOM ON MYSELF.

I'M SORRY, LADY !

YOU BETTER TELL US WHERE FRANKLIN IS OR WE'RE GONNA BE PISSED !

AIN'T NOTHIN' YOU CAN DO OR SAY TO ME THAT'LL MAKE ME GIVE IN MY BROTHER TO YOU.

HE'S IN SEWICKLEY STAYIN' WITH SOME FOLKS HE DON'T EVEN KNOW. H-HE'S THEIR HOUSEGUEST.

LARRY'S MY MAIN MAN. HE AIN'T GONNA GIVE ME UP. WE'RE LIKE THIS.

[ Birds Chirping ]

OH, MAN. HE'S WEAK. HE'S NEUROTIC. HE GAVE ME UP.

HE GAVE ME UP. I GOT TO GET OUTTA HERE. AAGH ! OH !

[ Grunting ]

SORRY, CARL ! [ Barking ]

- HEY, BUDDY ! - HUH ?

COME ON ! YOUR BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS AWAITS YOU ! I WAS JUST--

GOOD MORNING, DEREK. COME ON.

MUESLI, SOY MILK, PAPAYA SLICES.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT.

ME, NEITHER. WELL, YA DO IT, AND THAT'S COMMENDABLE.

WELL, KIDS, YOU'RE LOOKIN' AT A FREE MAN.

I'VE CLEARED THE DECKS AT THE OFFICE FOR THREE DAYS. EVEN DEREK CLEARED HIS SCHEDULE.

- WISH YOUR MOTHER COULD DO THE SAME. - I'M BUSY ALL WEEKEND.

STEVE AND I ARE DOING GRAVE RUBBINGS IN THE OLD CEMETERY.

OH, HONEY, YOU CAN DO THAT ANYTIME. DAD, IT'S MEMORIAL DAY.

WE'RE DOING THIS AS A MEMORIAL TRIBUTE... [ Coughs ]

TO ALL THE GREAT POETS WHO GAVE SO MUCH TO US...

AT THE EXPENSE OF THEIR OWN LIVES,

LIKE EDGAR ALLEN POE, VIRGINIA WOOLF, LIKE SYLVIA PLATH.

I DON'T THINK IT WOULD KILL US TO SPEND SOME TIME TOGETHER LIKE FAMILIES DO.

- DON'T YOU AGREE, DEREK ? - MMM.

UM-- [ Stammering ]

I THINK THAT FAMILY TOGETHERNESS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

THIS ISN'T FAIR. YOU'RE ALL GANGING UP AGAINST ME ! YOU ALWAYS DO THIS !

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE NORMAL ? I CAN'T STAND THEM. I HATE THEM.

- BUT THEN AGAIN-- - DEREK, I'M SORRY YOU HAD TO BEAR WITNESS TO THIS.

LOOK, EVERYBODY.

WE CAN ALL DO WHATEVER WE WANT TODAY, BUT TOMORROW IT'S FAMILY SOLIDARITY DAY,

AND WE'RE ALL SPENDING IT WITH OUR BEST BUDDY DEREK.

THIS IS THE BEST BREAKFAST. BUT YOU CAN HAVE TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING,

- SO I'VE GOT TO RUN. - HEY, SPEAKIN' OF WHICH-- JASON.

[ Gary ] WE HAVE A LITTLE PRESENT FOR YOU.

MY GOOD BUDDY DEREK, I HOPE YOU ENJOY THEM.

THANKS.

WHOA. THESE ARE NICE.

MAN. HOW'D YOU KNOW MY SIZE ?

EYEBALLED THOSE DOGS OF YOURS AT THE AIRPORT.

- PUT MYSELF THROUGH LAW SCHOOL SELLING SHOES. - JASON. EAT.

THIRTEEN-E FROM THE MOMENT I SPOTTED YA.

- YEAH. - WELL, LACE 'EM UP, DEREK.

I ALREADY SIGNED YOU UP FOR THE MEMORIAL DAY 5K.

- IT'S TO RAISE MONEY FOR SARAH'S SCHOOL. - PLEASE, DEREK ! PLEASE !

YEAH. NO PROBLEM. SURE. IF I'M STILL HERE.

- WHAT DO YA MEAN ? IT'S TOMORROW ! - THERE YA GO. I'M THERE !

- DEREK WAS THE BEST ATHLETE AT CAMP. - WHAT WAS YOUR BEST SPORT ?

WELL, REALLY, I DIDN'T HAVE A BEST SPORT.

THIS GUY WAS THE MICHAEL JORDAN OF CAMP TWO SUMMERS IN A ROW.

- B-BALL ? REALLY ? COULD YOU TEACH ME SOME MOVES ? - COME ON. DEREK'S ON VACATION.

- GO FOR YOUR RUN, THEN WE'LL HEAD TO THE COUNTRY CLUB. - THE COUNTRY CLUB ?

- YOU CAN SHOW ME THAT FAMOUS GOLF SWING. - [ Laughing ] I CAN'T WAIT.

NOW I REALLY HAVE TO RUN. GARY,

- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SET ME UP LIKE THAT ! - TH-THIS ISN'T THE TIME.

[ Gary and Emily Arguing ] I CAN'T DO THIS TO THESE PEOPLE.

- THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE ! - I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS ! YOU ARE MR. GOOD GUY !

* LA LA LA-LA-LA LA YOU ARE THE PERFECT HOST, GIVING OUT SHOES !

I JUST WANNA SAY...

THANK YOU FOR YOUR HOSPITALITY,

AND SORRY IF I'VE BEEN ANY KIND OF INCONVENIENCE.

- HEY, WE'RE GLAD TO HAVE YA. - DEREK, WE THINK YOU'VE BEEN THE PERFECT GUEST.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO INTERRUPT A FAMILY...

OHH !

- [ Growling ] - HEY, CARL, WHAT'S UP ?

WE'RE BROTHERS. YOU KNOW THAT.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THAT, BUT YOU'RE MY MAIN MAN !

[ Barking ] GOOD DOG, CARL ! COME ON ! STOP !

OH, MAN, STAY !

G-GOOD DOG. OH. GOOD DOG.

GOOD DAY. GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING. HOW ARE YOU ?

** [ Choir ]

* YOU DESERVE A BREAK TODAY

* SO GET UP AND GET AWAY

* TODAY *

- HI, THERE. MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER, PLEASE ? - YES, YOU MAY.

UH, GIVE ME A BIG MAC, A QUARTER POUNDER WITH CHEESE,

A QUARTER POUNDER WITH CHEESE DOUBLE, A MCLEAN DELUXE WITH CHEESE,

A CHEESEBURGER WITH CHEESE AND A LARGE ORDER OF FRIES AND A LARGE COKE.

- THAT COMES TO $10.87, SIR. - OKAY, CHANGE THAT.

- OH. - QUARTER POUNDER WITH CHEESE.

UM... A LARGE COKE AND A LARGE FRY.

COMES TO $4.07, SIR. RIGHT !

[ Worker ] GIVE ME THE NUGGETS. I NEED TWO NINE-PACKS.

[ Worker #2 ] THERE THEY ARE, COMIN' UP RIGHT NOW.

HERE YOU GO, SIR. THANK YOU FOR DINING AT MCDONALD'S.

- WE'RE IN THE VICINITY. - VICINITY ? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN ?

CLOSE. REAL CLOSE. HE'S HOLED UP WITH A FAMILY IN A TOWN HERE CALLED SEWICKEY.

- SEWICKLEY, PAULY. - VICINITY ?

-WE DON'T HAVE AN EXACT ADDRESS. -WE DON'T HAVE NO ADDRESS. -WOULD YOU SHUT UP ?

- WHAT DID YOU SAY ? - NOT YOU. JUST SOME JEHOVAH'S WITNESS HERE.

- PAULY ! PAULY ! - BACK OFF, PAL ! WE'RE CATHOLIC !

- WAIT ! - SEE YA. BYE. - PINHEAD !

WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER ? YOU TRYIN' TO GET US KILLED ? NO, I JUST SAW FRANKLIN.

WHERE ? HE'S AT MCDONALD'S. I DON'T SEE HIM NOW.

YOU DIDN'T SEE HIM ! GET IN THE CAR ! I SAW HIM.

- WHAT ARE YA STANDIN' AROUND FOR ? - WHOA. NICE PORSCHE.

[ Radio ] * DANNY BOY

HEY, WHAT'S UP ?

* THE PIPES ARE CALLING

THOUGHT I MISSED SOMETHING. UM... HOW FAR CAN I GET FOR A DOLLAR AND, UH...

THIRTY-THREE CENTS ?

HELLO. [ Chuckles ]

ALAQUIPA.

ALAQUIPA ? HOW FAR IS THAT ?

'BOUT A HALF MILE UP THE ROAD.

A HALF MILE ? FORGET THAT.

GIVE ME ONE OF THOSE.

OH ! DON'T GO TOO FAST. I DON'T WANT YOU TO HURT YOURSELF.

NEWEST GAME IN TOWN.

I FEEL MIGHTY LUCKY, PARTNER.

I SWEAR I SAW HIM ! WHERE DID YOU SEE HIM ?

THERE ! THERE HE IS ! NO, JOEY ! LOOK OUT !

- WHOA ! - THERE HE IS ! FOLLOW HIM !

I'LL RUN HIM DOWN !

- WHOA ! - WHOA !

- COME BACK HERE, FRANKLIN ! - WE'LL GET HIM THIS TIME ! OW !

OH !

- WHOA ! - JOEY, GET OUT OF THE WAY !

- [ Grunts ] - GIVE ME A BOOST, JOEY ! - OKAY, PAULY !

OHHH !

NO ! NO ! NO ! JOEY, I'M DOWN HERE ! AGH !

- [ Grunting ] - OH ! - NICE FENCE.

- [ Dog Barking ] - NO, JOEY ! YOU'RE SQUISHIN' ME !

[ Grunting ] SORRY, LADY.

- COME ON, GET UP, YA-- - [ Pauly ] HE'S GETTIN' AWAY !

- [ Horn Honks ] - COME ON. HOP IN.

- I BEEN LOOKIN' FOR YOU ALL OVER THE PLACE. - [ Baby ] HUH ?

- WE'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR OUR TEE TIME. - OKAY, LET'S TEE OFF.

WHAT'S WITH THE SUITCASE ? WHEN I JOG, IT GIVES ME A BETTER CARDIOVASCULAR WORKOUT.

FRANKLIN ! OH !

- HE GOT AWAY, JOEY. - MY HEAD DON'T HURT NO MORE.

HOW DOES IT FEEL NOW ? COME ON BEFORE WE LOSE HIM !

COME ON, JOEY ! ALL RIGHT, PAULY. ALL RIGHT.

THERE THEY GO. SORRY, PAULY. ALL RIGHT ! ALL RIGHT, ALREADY !

YOU'RE LIKE A PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT CONSTANTLY IN MY EARS.

YOU'RE LIKE A BROKEN RECORD, JOEY.

GARY, LOOK, MAN. THIS WHOLE GOLF THING IS A BAD IDEA.

I DIDN'T BRING MY STICKS. I DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT CLOTHES.

THE PRO SHOP WILL FIX YA UP. OH, I DIDN'T BRING MY WALLET.

IT'S ON ME, BUDDY. COME ON. WH-- I--

* LOVIN' LIFE LOVIN' LIFE *

* LA LA LA LA LA-LA LA LA LA *

* LOVIN' LIFE LOVIN' LIFE *

* LA LA LA LA LA-LA LA LA LA *

* YEAH OH, YEAH *

* MM-HMM

* LIFE IS PLEASURE AND THE CHILD OF PAIN *

* IT'S SO MUCH BETTER WHEN YOU KNOW THE GAME *

* IF YOU'RE READY COME AND GO WITH THE THING *

* COME ON, EVERYBODY LAUGH AND SING *

* YOU SHOULD BE LOVIN' LIFE LOVIN' LIFE *

I LOOK LIKE FAT ALBERT.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S A STRIKING RESEMBLANCE.

WOW, THIS IS SOMETHING. NICE JOINT.

HELLO. MAY WE HELP YOU ?

NO. WE WERE JUST LOOKIN' AROUND. WERE YOU CONSIDERING MEMBERSHIP ?

THAT'S RIGHT. WE WANNA BE MEMBERS.

WHICH OF OUR MEMBERS WOULD BE YOUR SPONSORS ?

THE M-MILLERS. SMITHS.

- MILLER SMITH. THE MILLER-SMITHS. - MILLER-SMITHS.

MILLER-SMITHS. OH, SO YOU'RE ACQUAINTED WITH THE MILLER-SMITHS.

- OH, YEAH, SURE. - WELL, THEY'RE VERY NICE PEOPLE.

- VERY NICE. TERRIFIC. - I THINK WE CAN ARRANGE A TOUR.

FOLLOW ME. RIGHT THIS WAY. THANK YOU.

MR. PIKE, I HOPE WE'RE NOT LATE.

HELL, NO. THERE'S STILL TIME FOR ANOTHER BLOODY MARY.

PONCHO, ANOTHER ROUND OF B.M.S OVER HERE.

I THINK IT'S PABLO, DON. WHO CARES AS LONG AS THE DRINKS ARE STRONG ? RIGHT, JERRY ?

YES, SIR. MR. PIKE, THIS IS DEREK BOND.

- DEREK, YOU ALREADY KNOW RON, OUR FAMILY DENTIST. - GOOD TO SEE YA.

OH, FELLOW DENTIST. THAT'S MARVELOUS.

- SLAP ME FIVE, THERE, BROTHER ! - WHAT IF I JUST SLAP YOU ?

- [ Laughing ] - [ Laughing ]

- WHERE'D YOU FIND THIS BOY ? HE'S PURE GOLD ! - BOY ?

- I LIKE HIM, JERRY ! - I THINK HIS NAME IS GARY.

- IT'S GOOD TO HAVE A MAN OF YOUR PERSUASION ALONG. - UH, DON, LOOK. DRINK.

OH, WRAP THESE UP, PONCHO. WE'RE TEEING OFF.

AND BRING THE CLUBS ALONG TOO. COME ON, THERE.

COME ON ! PONCHO, STOP THINKIN' ABOUT THOSE SENORITAS...

AND LET'S GO.

[ Muttering In Spanish, Grunting ]

YOU WORK HARD FOR ME, SON,

AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I APPRECIATE IT. THANK YOU, MR. PIKE.

OHH. THE CLIENTS, THEY ALL LIKE YOU,

AND GOD KNOWS YOU'RE ALWAYS AVAILABLE WHEN I NEED YOU.

I TRY, SIR. I HAVE A LITTLE SECRET. WE JUST SIGNED A NEW CLIENT:

BEAVER MEADOWS, A FROZEN-FOOD CONGLOMERATE. REALLY ?

THEY'RE BRANCHING OUT INTO NEW PRODUCT AREAS.

THEY'RE STARTING A NEW YOGURT CHAIN. NINETY-ONE CHOICES, SOME CRAP LIKE THAT.

I COULD HAVE A CONFLICT OF INTEREST. MY WIFE IS IN THE YOGURT BUSINESS.

THAT'S GREAT ! SO YOU HAVE THE INSIDE TRACK !

THE FILES ARE ON YOUR DESK. YOU GOT YOUR WORK CUT OUT FOR YOU.

FIRST MEETING TUESDAY MORNING. WILL WE BE READY ?

UH, YEAH. WE'LL BE READY.

IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, I HAVE TO, UH--

WE'LL BE READY.

YOUR BALLS DIRTY ? WHAT ?

I WASH MY BALLS RELIGIOUSLY.

I LIKE 'EM SO CLEAN YOU CAN JUST FEEL EVERY DIMPLE.

THANK YOU FOR SHARING THAT. THE CLEANER THE BALL, THE BETTER THE PLAY,

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU PULL OUT THAT WOOD.

THE QUICKER YOU GET IT IN THE HOLE WITH THE LEAST AMOUNT OF STROKES, THE BETTER.

ARE YOU TRYIN' TO TELL ME SOMETHIN' ? LET ME WASH YOUR BALLS FOR YOU.

NOT AS LONG AS I HAVE THIS STICK. WE'LL WASH 'EM TOGETHER.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST CHILL OUT ? I'LL WASH. YOU DRY.

TRUST ME. YOU GET A LOT MORE DISTANCE.

TRUST ME. YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET YOURSELF HURT. COME ON. JUST UNZIP YOUR BAG...

AND PULL OUT YOUR BALLS. JUST BACK UP !

ALL RIGHT ! GEEZ ! SORRY ! SUIT YOURSELF.

THE LOVELY PINK TERRACE, NAMED AFTER SIR JONAS PINK.

I LOVE THIS COLOR. YEAH. UH, HOME OF OUR AFTERNOON TEA...

EXCLUSIVELY FOR LADIES.

[ Women ] HI, STEWART. GOOD AFTERNOON, LADIES.

AH, THIS DAMN SCIATICA !

[ Stewart ] CASH OR CREDIT. THAT INCLUDES--

[ Groaning ]

[ Groaning ]

HEY, YOU GUYS ! WHAT KIND OF GOLF IS THIS, MAN ? THIS IS BORING !

WE NEED TO SPEED THE GAME UP. YOU EVER PLAY SPEED GOLF ?

I'VE HEARD ABOUT IT. SOUNDS LIKE SPEED CHESS.

THERE YOU GO, MAN. YOU KNOW EVERYTHING. COME ON, EVERYBODY.

WE TEE OFF AT THE SAME TIME, JUMP IN THE CARTS AND WE LEAVE.

IT DOESN'T COUNT UNLESS WE ALL HIT THE BALL AT THE SAME TIME.

DON'T LOOK AT ANYBODY NEXT TO YOU. ARE YOU READY ?

ON THE COUNT OF THREE. IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

ONE ! TWO !

THREE ! GO !

THAT'S THE SHOT ! [ Gary ] NICE SHOT, MR. PIKE !

- TOUGH BREAK, CHIP. - COME ON, LET'S GO. LET'S GO.

LEAVE THE DRINKS ! COME ON ! YOU'RE NOT A CADDIE !

THERE HE IS ! SHOW US THE COURSE. SHOW US THE COURSE.

OH, OF COURSE. THE COURSE.

[ Whooping, Shouting ] COME ON, LET'S GO !

* SPEED GOLF [ Laughing ]

COME ON ! QUICKLY !

WHOO ! [ Laughing ]

* SPEED GOLF

OKAY, GO ! GO !

- WHERE'S YOUR BALL ? - [ Grunting ]

- HIT THE BALL ! - [ Grunting, Shouting ]

- COME ON ! LET'S GO ! - HIT 'EM ! HIT 'EM ! HIT 'EM !

- [ Cheering ] - [ Shouting ] HERE WE GO !

[ Shouting, Chattering, Laughing ]

[ Kevin ] LET'S GO ! LET'S GO ! LET'S GO !

AH-OO-GAH ! [ Laughing ]

[ Stewart ] BOY, THIS IS A TREAT. THIS IS OUR NINTH HOLE.

NOTICE THE SLIGHT DOGLEG AT THE RIGHT.

YUP. QUITE A LITTLE HISTORY HERE.

AT THE '72 OPEN, ARNOLD PALMER MADE A HOLE IN ONE.

I WAS JUST A BOY, BUT IT MADE QUITE AN IMPACT ON MY LIFE.

MAKE IT STOP, JOEY. WHOA !

- GOOD RIDDANCE. - THERE HE GOES, PAULY !

HEY ! HEY ! THIS COULD AFFECT YOUR MEMBERSHIP !

- THAT'S HIM ! - OH !

- WHOA ! WHAT ARE YA DOIN' ? - THIS IS SPEED GOLF. WE SKIP HOLES THREE TO SIX.

- [ Kevin ] HOLD ON, THERE ! - [ Pike Laughing ]

- OHH ! - [ All Shouting ]

- WE LOST PIKE ! - [ Brakes Screech ]

JOEY ! JOEY ! JOEY !

- WHOA ! - STOP THEM ! STOP THAT GOLF CART !

- WHOA ! - [ Kevin Grunts ]

MUST BE SOME MORE GUYS PLAYIN' SPEED GOLF.

[ Shouting ]

PULL ! PULL !

THEY'RE SHOOTIN' AT US, PAULY !

- [ Kevin ] PIKE ! YA ALL RIGHT ? - [ Gary ] MR. PIKE !

I THINK MY DAMN TOOTH IS BROKEN !

THIS MAN NEEDS A DENTIST. RON, CHECK HIM OUT. WHY DON'T YOU ?

THIS IS PENNSYLVANIA. THIS IS OUT OF MY JURISDICTION. I COULD LOSE MY LICENSE.

NOW, YOU'RE THE WORLD-RENOWNED DENTIST. YOU CHECK HIM OUT. I'LL JUST WATCH.

FINE. LET A REAL DENTIST GO TO WORK. JUST STEP BACK. EVERYBODY STEP BACK.

THIS MAN NEEDS AIR ! HE COULD HAVE A HEART ATTACK. I'VE SEEN IT BEFORE.

OH, THIS IS BAD. THIS IS BAD.

- SAY "AAH." - AAH ! - OH. THIS IS BAD.

THIS MAN NEEDS A TIC TAC ! ANYBODY HAVE A TIC TAC, PLEASE ?

- DO YOU THINK MAYBE THE TOOTH NEEDS TO COME OUT ? - WHAT DO YOU THINK, DOCTOR ?

- I ASKED YOU FIRST. - SEE, THAT'S WHY I HAVE MORE PAPERS PUBLISHED,

LIKE MAYBE 70 IN THE LAST YEAR, TO BE EXACT, BECAUSE I-- OKAY, I'LL LOOK AT HIM.

- [ Wincing, Groaning ] - OH, EEWWHH ! MM-HMM.

THIS MAN HAS A DATE WITH THE TOOTH FAIRY, PEOPLE !

APPEARS TO BE A HORIZONTAL FRACTURE WITH A PERIAPICAL INFECTION,

A FISTULA DRAINING AND PULPAL NECROSIS.

I THINK THIS MAN NEEDS A ROOT AMPUTATION TO AVOID PERIODONTAL LIGAMENT TRAUMA,

AND IF I WERE DOING IT, I'D ADMINISTER 7.2 CC OF XYLOCAINE WITH EPINEPHRINE.

BUT...

WHAT DO YOU THINK ?

LET ME SEE THAT, DOCTOR.

YEAH, OKAY.

YES. THAT'S MUCH BETTER THAN TYING A STRING TO A DOORKNOB...

AND JUST SLAMMIN' IT SHUT. [ Laughing ]

YES, BRENDA. DR. TIMMERMAN.

BEFORE YOU GET STARTED, YOU HAVE A VISITOR.

- AH, GOOD. - [ Chuckles ]

UH, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

UH, YOU MIGHT WANNA JUST GET WASHED UP FIRST.

BRENDA. GO. YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.

- DO YOUR THING, DEREK. - HEY, GARY.

[ Chuckling ]

- [ Snorts, Grunts ] - GET CLEAN NOW.

** [ Humming ]

WE WANT FRANKLIN ! WE WANT FRANKLIN !

- FRANKLIN'S UP ! HE SLAMS ! UNH ! - HAVE I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

DR. WALTER KRAFT ! WHO ?

WALTER KRAFT. UNIVERSITY OF PITTSBURGH DENTAL SCHOOL.

HE'S HERE WITH HIS CLASS.

WALTER-- I ASKED HIM TO COME OVER AND WATCH THE PROCEDURE.

OH, THAT'S-- THAT'S GREAT. WHEN HE HEARD THAT YOU WERE COMIN',

THEY ALL JUST PILED IN THE VAN AND CAME RIGHT OVER. GOOD.

YOU DO REMEMBER WALTER, DON'T YOU ? KINDA. YOU KNOW--

OH, SURE. I MEAN, HE MUST HAVE BEEN TEACHING WHEN YOU WENT THROUGH THE PROGRAM.

TEACH-- OH. I WAS INDEPENDENT STUDY. I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO TO CLASS.

WOULD YOU GET SOME MORE TOPICAL ANESTHETIC, PLEASE ?

NO. NO. NO. NOT NOW.

- WAKE UP. - [ Grunting ]

SHH ! SHH ! IT'S OKAY ! WAIT A MINUTE ! LET ME OUTTA HERE !

WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP ?

- THEY'RE HERE. - HE'S READY.

HERE THEY COME. COME ON, STEP IN, EVERYBODY. COME ALONG. RIGHT THIS WAY.

IT IS MY PLEASURE TO INTRODUCE TO YOU DR. DEREK BOND.

[ Applause ] [ Woman ] DOCTOR.

MY BROTHER. WHAT'S UP ?

[ Chuckles ] DR. KRAFT,

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY TO YOUR MOST FAMOUS STUDENT ?

PUT ON A LITTLE WEIGHT, EH ?

- [ Laughing ] - [ All Laughing ]

SO NOW THAT DR. BOND HAS ANESTHETIZED THE PATIENT,

I WILL REMOVE THE MAXILLARY RIGHT UPPER LATERAL INCISOR.

EXCUSE ME. WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR US TO SEE DR. BOND PERFORM THE PROCEDURE ?

- [ Cheering, Applause ] - OH, THAT'S AN EXCELLENT IDEA.

OH, NO, NO, NO.

THANKS, MY BROTHER, BUT WITH ALL THESE MALPRACTICE SUITS RUNNIN' AROUND,

I GET A HEADACHE JUST THINKIN' ABOUT WORKING WITHOUT A LICENSE IN THE STATE.

- DEREK, COME ON ! - HERE. STICK YOUR MITTS RIGHT IN THERE.

[ Laughter, Applause ]

- RIGHT IN THERE. - WELL, LET'S GET TO WORK.

OH !

- OH. - ALL RIGHT.

NEVER BE ASHAMED TO USE TWO HANDS. I HAVE SMALL HANDS,

SO I HAD TO DEVELOP THE DEREK BOND TWO-HANDED GRIP.

TAKE YOUR TIME. ALWAYS TAKE YOUR TIME.

MAKE SURE THEY'RE ASLEEP. ALWAYS TOUCH THEM TO REASSURE THAT YOU'RE THEIR FRIEND.

I'M YOUR FRIEND. I'M YOUR FRIEND. GET THAT THING HERE.

- [ Motor Starts ] - [ Pop ]

[ Cheering, Applause ] YEA, DEREK !

- WOW. - [ Derek Chuckles ] THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

I WANT A LIST OF EVERY MEMBER WHO STEPPED ON THIS GOLF COURSE TODAY. EVERY MEMBER !

- [ Stewart Grunting ] - THERE IT IS ! JUST GIVE ME IT !

HE'S ON THIS LIST, AND IT'S GONNA TAKE US RIGHT TO HIM !

WHEN I WAS A KID AND THINGS GOT ME DOWN,

I'D COME DOWN HERE WITH ONE OF THESE.

INEVITABLY, THINGS WOULDN'T SEEM SO BAD ANYMORE.

THERE'S A LOT OF OPPORTUNITY IN FROZEN YOGURT. UH-HUH.

IT'S A BIG FIELD, RIGHT ? UH-HUH.

A BEAVER MEADOWS PRODUCT WON'T REALLY AFFECT EMILY'S YOGURT MADNESS.

A LITTLE HEALTHY COMPETITION MIGHT BE GOOD FOR HER. IT'LL KEEP HER ON HER TOES, RIGHT ?

[ Coughing ]

DEREK. WHAT ABOUT YOUR DIET ?

I HAVE WEAKNESSES. I HAVE WEAKNESSES.

I TRY TO FIGHT 'EM. SOMETIMES THEY GET THE BEST OF ME.

PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME FOR THIS. JUDGE YOU ?

I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU'RE NOT PERFECT.

MAKES ME FEEL A LITTLE BETTER ABOUT MYSELF.

YOU GOT SOME FRIES IN THAT BAG ?

YEAH. DON'T WORRY. IT'LL BE OUR LITTLE SECRET. THANK YOU, MAN.

[ Chuckling ]

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY HOW MUCH SIMPLER THINGS SEEMED WHEN WE WERE KIDS.

THOSE WERE THE DAYS, RIGHT ? THOSE WERE THE DAYS.

CABIN SIX. CABIN SIX.

* OH, MAPLERIDGE OH, MAPLERIDGE * * MAPLERIDGE

* WE COME TO YOU EACH SUMMER * * YOU... SUMMER

* OH, MAPLERIDGE OH, MAPLERIDGE * * OH... OH

* WHERE ALL OUR FRIENDS ARE BROTHERS * * DOOBY DOOBY DOOBY

* WE LIKE TO RIDE A HORSE OR TWO * * SHOOBY DOOBY WOBBY DO *

* OR MAYBE ROW IN A CANOE * SHOOBY WAH WOBBY DO

OH, MAN. [ Laughing ]

I FEEL BAD. I MEAN, I INVITE YOU HERE, YOU MAKE THE TRIP AND NOW I HAVE TO GO TO WORK.

COME ON, GARY ! AFTER 25 YEARS OF FRIENDSHIP ?

COME ON, MAN. IT CAN'T AFFECT US. IT'S TOO DEEP.

TOO DEEP, MY BROTHER. YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN'T GET OVER ?

WHAT A GOOD SPORT YOU'VE BEEN ABOUT EVERYTHING.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. THERE'S NO PLACE I WOULD RATHER BE NOW...

THAN HERE WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

LARRY, I KNOW YOU'RE THERE. PICK UP THE PHONE. LARRY, PICK UP THE PHONE.

HEY, SARAH. I'M TALKIN' TO MY IMAGINARY FRIEND LARRY.

TEA ? TEA ? YES.

OOH, THESE CUPS ARE SO BIG. GO AHEAD.

LARRY. LA-- OW ! OW ! OW, IT'S COLD !

- SORRY. - OW, IT'S COLD ! OW ! OW ! OW ! OW !

SARAH, WAIT. SARAH, CAN I TALK--

DADDY, DEREK'S FUNNY. OW !

I'LL SEE YOU GUYS AT DINNER.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA TAKE ME TO BALLET CLASS ?

YEAH, DAD. I THOUGHT YOU WERE TAKIN' ME TO THE PARK TO PLAY BASKETBALL.

WE AGREED THAT YOU WOULD DO IT SO I COULD WORK ?

HOW COME I'M THE ONE WHO'S ALWAYS SUPPOSED TO TAKE OFF WORK ?

WHAT ABOUT THAT SOLIDARITY DAY WE ALL WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE ?

I SEE YOU'RE MAKING A HUGE EFFORT.

SUDDENLY IT'S A COMPETITION. NO. NO. THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

- JUST GO ALREADY, DAD. - THERE MUST BE SOME WAY WE CAN WORK THIS OUT.

DRY THIS HERE.

- MAYBE. YOU WOULDN'T MIND-- - PLEASE, DEREK.

YEAH. NO PROBLEM. SURE. I MEAN, I'LL DRIVE THE CAR POOL.

HOW HARD CAN THAT BE ?

[ All Screaming ]

GUYS, IT'S MY EAR !

** [ Loud Heavy Metal ]

JASON, LEAVE IT-- LEAVE IT ON THE SOUL STATION !

I SAID LEAVE THE RADIO ALONE !

- WE WAS ALREADY THERE. THERE TOO. - [ Snoring ]

- UH-UH. - SARAH, STOP ! YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME HAVE AN AC-- STOP IT.

- [ Shouting ] - OH-OH. JASON, I THINK IT'S TIME FOR A DRIVING LESSON.

WHAT ? I MEAN, EVERY YOUNG MAN SHOULD LEARN HOW TO DRIVE.

THIS IS A QUIET STREET. THAT'S THE BEST PART OF BEIN' A KID.

YOU GET OVER THERE. I'LL GET OVER HERE.

-BUT I'M 11. -I'LL DRIVE ! -MY FEET WON'T REACH THE PEDALS.

THAT'S WHY I'M HERE, OKAY ? JUST TELL ME WHEN THE LIGHT TURNS GREEN.

- JASON IS A SCAREDY-CAT ! JASON IS A SCAREDY-CAT ! - THE LIGHT'S GREEN.

- OKAY. - [ Tires Squeal ]

PAULY, THERE GOES THAT CAR ! WELL, FOLLOW 'EM !

[ Horn Honks ] [ Pauly ] WATCH IT !

LOOSEN UP A LITTLE BIT. BECOME ONE WITH THE ROAD.

- OKAY. - NOT THAT LOOSE ! - [ Screaming ]

[ Kevin ] GET BACK ON THE ROAD !

[ Girls Laughing ]

CARESS THE WHEEL LIKE YOU WOULD A WOMAN.

NOT LIKE A PERVERT !

- I-I NEVER CARESSED A WOMAN ! - YOU DON'T DRIVE, YOU DON'T CARESS WOMEN.

- WHAT DO YOU DO ? - I PLAY VIDEO GAMES !

- COME ON, NOW ! - [ Grunts ]

- [ Laughing ] - [ Screams ] - WHOA !

[ Jason ] SORRY !

GO LEFT ! JOEY, YOU'RE LOSIN' HIM !

JOEY ! JOEY, JOEY !

- RED LIGHT ! RED LIGHT ! - [ Brakes Screech ]

- [ Screams, Laughing ] - THANKS.

HUH ?

HI.

WHAT, WHAT, WHAT ? WHAT ?

DON'T WORRY. JUST A BUNCH OF KIDS OUT JOYRIDIN'.

WHAT'S THE WORLD COMIN' TO, PAULY ?

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, "MR. APISTOPHILIS."

WHO ? YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SO STUPID.

HE'S ONLY THE MOST MAJOR PHILOSOPHIST AROUND ALIVE TODAY.

I'M GONNA SPLIT. YOU GOT SOME CHANGE ON YA ?

IN CASE THE CAR BREAKS DOWN AND YOU GOTTA GO HOME ?

BUT NOTHING'S GONNA HAPPEN. IT'S GONNA BE COOL.

ALL RIGHT. HAVE FUN. ALL RIGHT. SEE YOU LATER.

THERE'S A PIGEON. CHECK THIS OUT.

[ Grunts ]

CAN I GET THE BALL ?

SORRY. COME ON, PLEASE ! COME ON !

GIVE ME THE BALL BACK, GUYS ! TOO LATE !

- GIVE ME THE BALL ! - HEY, JASON. IS THERE A PROBLEM HERE ?

OH, HEY ! IS THIS YOUR MOMMY COME TO WIPE YOUR NOSE ?

OH, OH, OH. PICKIN' ON LITTLE DUDES. YOU JUST BAD, AIN'T YA ?

CAN I SEE THE BALL THERE ? OOH. HE'S SO STRONG.

TELL YOU WHAT. SINCE YOU'RE ALL SUCH TOUGH GUYS,

HOW ABOUT IF WE PLAY A LITTLE BASKETBALL ?

- ME AND MY MAN AGAINST... ALL FIVE OF YOU. - [ Boys Chattering ]

I REALLY, REALLY SUCK.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING RIGHT NOW. YOU DO NOT SUCK.

NEVER SAY THAT, OKAY ? BASKETBALL'S UP HERE. IT'S ABOUT CONFIDENCE.

I'VE WATCHED YOU PLAY IN THE DRIVEWAY. YOU HAVE GAME.

RELAX. RELAX, OKAY ?

STICK YOUR TONGUE OUT LIKE MICHAEL JORDAN. WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS ?

MY HOUSE. PUT YOUR TONGUE BACK IN YOUR MOUTH.

WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS ? MY HOUSE !

WHOSE BALL IS THIS ? MY BALL ! MY BALL ! MY BALL !

LET'S GO PLAY. ALL RIGHT !

I PLAY MUCH BETTER WHEN THERE'S SOMETHIN' AT STAKE.

IF YOU GUYS WIN, WE'LL GIVE YOU, UM... THE RED VOLVO OVER THERE.

BUT THAT'S MY DAD'S CAR ! THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

AND IF WE WIN, WE GET, UM... YOUR CLOTHES.

- OUR CLOTHES ? - OH, HE'S A GENIUS. HE'S A SMART ONE.

OKAY. IT'S MAKE IT, TAKE IT, WHICH MEANS IF WE SCORE, WE KEEP IT.

CHECK ! WE'RE READY !

- THERE IT IS ! - THE MAILMAN !

OH, THAT'S SWEET ! COME ON, BABY, PICK !

THERE YOU GO ! HERE'S THE PICK !

HERE COMES THE ROLL, RIGHT THERE.

- BIG GUY. - TUMMY. - CHEST PASS.

- IS THAT FOUR ? - OHH !

[ Grunting ]

- IN YOUR FACE, PORKER ! - GIVE ME SOME ! - HELLO !

[ Shouts ]

PUT IT UP ! GONE !

[ Shouts ]

- YES ! - YOU DID GOOD.

IF YOU WORK REALLY HARD AND PRACTICE A LOT, WHO KNOWS ?

ONE DAY YOU MIGHT PLAY WITH THE CHICAGO BULLS. REALLY ?

MM-HMM. COME ON ! CAN WE PLEASE HAVE OUR CLOTHES BACK ?

MAYBE A BEST OUT OF THREE !

NAH. NAH.

REMEMBER, I THREW THAT PASS--

GARY, YOU KNOW WHAT I HEARD TODAY ? BEAVER MEADOWS IS GOING INTO THE YOGURT BUSINESS.

WOW.

AND YOUR FIRM IS GONNA REPRESENT THEM.

- I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. - WHO DO YOU THINK THEY ASSIGNED TO IT ?

UH, JERRY ?

- YEAH, I THINK IT'S JERRY. - YOUR BEST FRIEND AT THE FIRM ?

- DON'T YOU THINK JERRY WOULD'VE CALLED ME ? - [ Phone Rings ]

BEAVER MEADOWS IS HUGE. THEY WILL SWALLOW US ALIVE.

THE LAST THING EDGAR ALLAN POE ATE BEFORE HE DIED WAS BROCCOLI.

THEN DON'T EAT IT. I CAN'T BELIEVE JERRY WOULD DO THAT TO US.

MOM, DAD, DEREK TAUGHT ME HOW TO DRIVE TODAY.

- WHA-- - LEFT TURNS ARE TOUGH AT 50, HUH, BIG GUY ?

- DEREK, IT'S FOR YOU. IT'S LARRY FROM THE TATTOO PARLOR. - COOL.

OH. UM, CAT'S OUT OF THE BAG.

IT WAS GONNA BE A GIFT TO MY HOSTS FROM YOUR HOUSEGUEST.

UM, I CAN'T BELIEVE HE JUST CALLED !

LARRY FROM THE TATTOO PARLOR ? YOU COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING BETTER ?

- WHERE YOU BEEN ? I BEEN TRYIN' TO CALL YOU. - HEY, HEY, HEY !

- YOU PUT MY NAME DOWN ON YOUR LOAN REQUEST ! - I'M SORRY, MAN.

- I'M HANGIN' UP ! - DON'T HANG UP, MAN ! I'M SORRY !

I GOT PAYIN' CUSTOMERS RIGHT NOW !

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO PICK ME UP. I'M RUNNIN' OUT OF TIME.

BESIDES, I'M TURNIN' INTO MARY POPPINS OUT HERE.

- AAH ! OH, MY GOD ! - LARRY, YOU STILL THERE ? - WE GOTTA TALK !

YES. NO PROBLEM. SURE.

- ALL RIGHT. 9:30 TONIGHT. - WHERE ?

- MICKEY D'S. - WHICH ONE ? - THEY ONLY HAVE ONE.

- THIS IS LIKE LEAVE IT TO BEAVER LAND HERE. HURRY. - IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT ?

HURRY ? NO, NO, NO. YOU DON'T TELL ME TO HURRY ! I'LL TELL YOU TO HURRY !

- OKAY ? BYE ! - THIS IS A HARLEY !

- WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ? - THAT'S... A HARLEY. [ Wheezes ]

[ Larry ] EUROPEAN STYLE ?

IT'S VERY THOUGHTFUL, BUT YOU REALLY DON'T NEED TO GIVE US ANYTHING. REALLY.

WELL, I JUST-- LOOK, DEREK, ABOUT EMILY AND THIS BEAVER MEADOWS THING,

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IN 18 YEARS OF MARRIAGE, I HAVE NEVER LIED TO MY WIFE.

YOU'RE NOT LISTENING, MOM !

PLEASE ! TIME OUT !

YOU KNOW, RIGHT BEFORE ANNE SEXTON KILLED HERSELF,

SHE ASKED HER DAUGHTER TO PROMISE THAT THE WORDS "RATS LIVE ON NO EVIL STAR"...

WOULD BE WRITTEN ON HER GRAVE.

THAT'S A MAJOR THING TO ASK.

I MEAN, THEY MUST HAVE HAD AN AMAZING MOTHER-DAUGHTER CONNECTION. NOT LIKE US.

FORGET IT, BECAUSE I'M NEVER TALKING TO ANY OF YOU GUYS EVER AGAIN !

WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HER ? NOTHING. I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

I'M HER MOTHER, AND IT MAKES ME THE ENEMY.

[ Emily ] DEREK ?

YOU SEEM TO HAVE SUCH A CONNECTION WITH HER.

- MAYBE YOU COULD TALK TO HER. - YEAH. NO PROBLEM. SURE.

* I FEEL THE PAIN OF EVERYONE *

[ Knocking ] * AND LATER I'LL FEEL NOTHING *

- MIND IF I TURN THIS DOWN ? - HEY.

UH, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND ? OH !

LISTEN. I MEAN, WHAT COULD BE SO WRONG, OKAY ?

YOU GOT THIS, UM, BEAUTIFUL ROOM HERE.

IT'S SO BRIGHT AND AIRY. YOU GOT THESE GREAT PICTURES OF THESE DEAD GUYS ON THE WALL,

AND YOU GOT THESE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT YOU WROTE DOWN.

OH, AND THESE DECAPITATED BARBIE DOLLS.

I MEAN, THIS IS WHAT EVERY TEENAGE GIRL LIVES FOR.

I MEAN, YOU CAN'T GET MUCH BETTER THAN THIS, RIGHT ?

[ Sobbing ]

WHA-- I-I'M SORRY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN TELLIN' A JOKE. I'M SORRY.

DID I SAY SOMETHING WRONG ? NO. IT'S MY DAD AND MOM AND--

AND STEVE DOESN'T LOVE ME ANYMORE. STEVE.

ARE YOU SURE ? YES.

HE'S BEEN HANGING IN TOWN EVERY DAY WITH KELLY FRIEDLANDER,

AND SHE'S A LOT PRETTIER THAN ME.

AND YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW, DEREK.

IT JUST-- IT REALLY HURTS.

COME HERE. LISTEN TO THIS. LISTEN TO ME, OKAY ?

I CAN'T SEE ANY WOMAN BEIN' FINER THAN YOU.

I MEAN, YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, AND YOU GOT IT GOIN' ON.

YOU'RE JUST WITH THE WRONG GUY.

I MEAN, NONE OF THE WOMEN I'VE EVER DATED WOULD PUT UP WITH HIS MESS.

NO ? OH, NO, NO, NO, NO. NO WAY, NO HOW.

SEE YA. [ Chuckles ]

LOOK, MAYBE YOU COULD JUST KILL HIM FOR ME.

[ Chuckling ] YOU'RE PLAYIN', RIGHT ?

PLAYIN', RIGHT ?

LOOK, THIS GUY IS A SLIMEBAG AND YOU KNOW THAT.

I KNOW THERE'S A LOT OF OTHER GUYS WHO'D LIKE TO BE DATIN' YOU RIGHT NOW,

AND THERE'S GOT TO BE SOME GUYS THAT YOU'RE INTERESTED IN.

I KNOW THERE'S ANOTHER GUY OUT THERE SOMEWHERE, RIGHT ? WELL, THERE'S CHARLES.

SEE ? I KNEW YOU HAD SOME OTHER GUY IN YOUR POCKET.

NOW TELL ME ABOUT CHARLES. CHARLES BAUDELAIRE ?

THE GREAT POET OF MORAL DECAY ?

HE WOULD DEFINITELY UNDERSTAND ME. [ Sobbing ]

LOOK, YOU GOT TO GET OVER THIS THING FOR DEAD GUYS.

I MEAN, WHY DON'T WE TRY ON SOME LIVE GUYS ? WELL, CHARLES BARKLEY.

WHAT ? HE'S LIKE A POET. YOU EVER SEEN HIS COMMERCIALS ?

ALL RIGHT. NOW, LOOK, WHEN I COME BACK,

I PROMISE YOU WE'RE GONNA WORK ON THAT DEAD GUY THING.

WE'RE GONNA GET YOU TO THE MOVIES WITH GUYS WHO ARE STILL BREATHIN'.

WE'LL GET YOU SOME PASTEL COLORS, AT LEAST SOME DARK GRAYS.

HERE YOU GO: MEDITATION MUSIC. ** [ Grunge ]

YOU'RE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT, OKAY ?

REMEMBER, LIVE GUYS. BREATHING.

[ Laughing ]

[ Kevin ] SO GLAD TO BE LEAVIN' THIS PLACE.

IT DON'T MAKE NO SENSE. FLOWERS ON THE WALL.

COME ON, MAN. IT'S LIKE A LITTLE CHILD'S ROOM.

TOO MANY PILLOWS. TAKE ALL DAY TO MAKE UP THIS BED, MAN.

I'M GLAD I'M GOIN'. LITTLE MIDGET BED.

WHY DO I BUY THESE THINGS ? I NEVER WIN ANYWAY.

"BIG SPIN."

"BIG SPIN."

"BIG SPIN."

BIG SPIN.

YES ! YES ! YES ! BABY ! BABY ! BABY !

OH, YES ! I'M GONNA BE ON TV !

KEVIN FRANKLIN IN THE HOUSE !

YES ! I'M IN THE HOUSE ! I'M DEFINITELY IN THE HOUSE ! THIS IS THE WAY WE--

- HEY, BUDDY. - LOOSEN UP.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR NOSE ? JASON THREW A BASKETBALL AT MY FACE FOR NO APPARENT REASON.

SOME SORT OF NEW BOUNCE PASS OR CHECKING OR SOMETHING.

WELL, HE'S WORKIN' ON HIS GAME. SO WHO'S KEVIN FRANKLIN ?

KEVIN FRANKLIN ? YEAH, I HEARD YOU SAY KEVIN FRANKLIN WAS IN THE HOUSE.

YOU BUSTED ME. KEVIN FRANKLIN IS A MILLIONAIRE,

AND I OFTEN FANTASIZE ABOUT BEING HIM.

I MEAN, I OFTEN PRETEND TO BE OTHER PEOPLE.

I MEAN, YOU PROBABLY DO THE SAME THING, DON'T YOU ? I MEAN--

WELL, YES, ACTUALLY, I HAVE.

UH, I OFTEN FANTASIZE ABOUT BEING MATLOCK.

THERE YOU GO ! YOU KNOW, THE THING I ADMIRE MOST ABOUT YOU, DEREK,

IS YOUR HONESTY, YOUR OPENNESS,

THE THINGS YOU'VE SHARED WITH ME, THE THINGS YOU'VE CALLED ME ON.

I THINK BEING AROUND YOU HAS MADE ME A BETTER PERSON.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

GET HIM ! GET HIM ! GET HIM ! GET HIM !

USE THE KNOCKER. I'LL KNOCK, BUT YOU JUST SAY "PLEASE" ONCE !

PLEASE KNOCK. PAIN IN MY NECK. THANK YOU.

JOEY, PAY ATTENTION.

OH. HELLO, LITTLE GIRL.

IS THERE A TALL BLACK MAN NAMED KEVIN HERE, BY ANY CHANCE ?

- NO ! - PLEASE EXCUSE ME. JOEY.

[ Screams ] OW ! OOH ! GOT YOUR FINGERS THERE, HUH, PAULY ?

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES ! SQUISHED ! OOH, SMASHED 'EM.

- WHAT IS IT NOW ? - [ Joey ] I GOTTA TELL YOU SOMETHIN' !

NOBODY DOES THAT TO MY BROTHER PAULY !

- JOEY, WILL YA-- - WHOA !

BAD MEN. MOMMY SAYS YOU SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH GUNS.

WHOA ! WHOA !

WHOA ! [ Whistles ]

- [ Grunting ] YOU'RE KILLIN' ME, JOEY ! - [ Growling ]

- NOT ON PURPOSE ! - [ Barking ] - WE GOT A SNAPPER, JOEY !

NO, IT'S A RATMULLER ! IT'S A RATMULLER !

STOP HIM ! I DON'T DEAL WITH RATMULLERS !

[ Laughing ]

CLOSE THE DOOR.

WHOO ! WHOO ! YOU KNOW WHAT ?

YOUR MOMMY'S RIGHT. YOU SHOULD NEVER PLAY WITH GUNS.

I'M GONNA GET RID OF IT, OKAY ? DEREK, IS YOUR REAL NAME KEVIN ?

[ Nervous Chuckle ] HOLD THAT THOUGHT, OKAY ?

- [ Gunshot ] - OH !

WATCH THE MOVIE.

WHAT WAS THAT ?

TWO BAD MEN CAME TO THE DOOR AND I TOOK THEIR GUN.

OH, NO, IT WAS TWO BAD MEN ON THE CARTOON. IT'S SO REAL, THERE'S LIKE--

[ Chuckling ] OH. SEE ? I--

MOVE ! WHAT ?

- UH, I'M GOIN' FOR A LITTLE NIGHT JOG. - ARE YOU COMING BACK ?

- YOU BET. - KEVIN. - HUH ?

I'M REALLY GOOD AT KEEPING SECRETS.

GOOD DOG, CARL ! HOW MANY TIMES WE GOTTA GO THROUGH THIS ?

[ Ignition Starts ]

WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR EYE, LARRY ? LET ME SEE THAT.

- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU ? - SOME PEOPLE JUST DON'T APPRECIATE GOOD ART.

I GUESS NOT. [ Laughing ]

SO, WHERE YOU WANTS ME TO DRIVE, MISS DAISY ?

REAL FUNNY, MAN. JUST KEEP DRIVIN'.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU'RE IN TROUBLE. I'M TRYIN' TO HELP. YEAH, RIGHT.

ONE DAY YOU'RE GONNA REALIZE THAT FRIENDSHIP IS ABOUT GIVE AND TAKE.

BUT ALL YOU DO IS TAKE. TAKE ! TAKE ! TAKE !

HEY, MAN, WHERE'D YOU GET THOSE SHOES FROM ? THOSE ARE NICE.

YEAH. YEAH.

STOP THE CAR, MAN. STOP THE CAR ! STOP THE CAR ?

- STOP THE CAR NOW ! - OKAY !

THIS MAKES SENSE NOW. I TELL YA, IT MAKES SENSE, MAN.

YOU KNOW, POSEIDON WAS AN ORPHAN TOO. THANK YOU. CAN WE GO NOW ?

I CAME HERE WITH A CLASS, AND SISTER MARY WAS TRIPPIN'.

DO YOU KNOW THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HIM AND ME ?

HE'S GREEK, HE'S WHITE AND HE'S A GOD.

HE NEVER TRIED TO PASS HIMSELF OFF AS SOMEBODY HE WASN'T. THAT WAS A DOWN BROTHER.

THANK YOU FOR THAT REMARKABLE INSIGHT ! NOW CAN WE GO ?

- HE NEVER LET PEOPLE DOWN. - IF THOSE TWO ITALIAN BROTHERS COME LOOKIN' FOR YOU AGAIN,

I SWEAR TO GOD, I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU, AND I MEAN THAT.

LARRY, I GOT TO GO BACK, MAN.

WHAT ? WHY ? THE MAN'S MARRIAGE IS IN TROUBLE, MAN.

I'M HIS OLDEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD. YOU'RE MY OLDEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD.

YOU'RE ONLY PRETENDING TO BE HIS OLDEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD !

SO ? HE'S STILL IN TROUBLE. HE'S GOT THIS DAUGHTER BROOKE, MAN. THE GIRL IS MESSED UP.

SO WHAT ? I LIED TO A 5-YEAR-OLD CHILD, MAN.

I TOLD HER I WOULD BE BACK. YOU CAN MESS A KID UP. I KNOW.

GIVE ME THE KEYS. I GOT TO GO. KEVIN. KEVIN.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. KEVIN ! KEVIN.

YOU LIE TO EVERYBODY, MAN. YOU BADGER ME, HAVE ME COMPROMISE MYSELF AS AN ARTIST.

YOU HAD ME RISK MY LIFE TO SAVE YOU, AND THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT ME ?

HEY, BROTHER, FORGET ABOUT IT, HUH ? YOU FORGET IT.

IF YOU SEE ME ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET, YOU JUST KEEP ON STEPPIN' ! I MEAN THAT !

YOU DON'T GET IT, DO YA ?

NO, I DON'T GET IT. WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME WHY THE HELL ARE YOU GOING BACK THERE ?

YOU SAID IT YOURSELF. ALL MY LIFE, ALL I'VE EVER DONE IS TAKE, TAKE, TAKE.

"KEVIN. KEVIN NEEDS THIS. KEVIN'S GONNA MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS."

I THOUGHT IF I MADE SOME MONEY THAT WOULD CHANGE THINGS, HOW PEOPLE THOUGHT ABOUT ME.

I COULD BE SOMEBODY, ALL RIGHT ?

WELL, I WAS WRONG, MAN.

I LEARNED SOMETHING THESE PAST FEW DAYS, MAN. IT'S ABOUT FRIENDSHIP:

ABOUT OUR FRIENDSHIP, ABOUT THE FRIENDSHIP I MADE WITH THAT FAMILY.

THAT'S WHAT IT'S ABOUT. THAT'S WHY I GOTTA GO BACK, LARRY. I HAVE TO GO BACK.

I'LL CALL YA. ALL RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, MAN, RELATIONSHIPS ARE ABOUT GIVE AND TAKE.

I KNOW YOU SEE IT MY WAY. IT'S ABOUT COMPROMISE, SEE ? LOOK HOW WE'RE FRIENDS NOW.

WE ENJOY A MEAL TOGETHER. THAT'S WHAT MEN SUPPOSED TO DO.

NOW, YOU LIKE TO CHASE WOMEN, AND I LIKE TO CHASE WOMEN.

BUT IT'S DIFFERENT, BECAUSE DOGS DON'T EVEN HAVE TO HAVE PERMISSION.

YOU JUST RUN 'EM DOWN. IF THE GIRL CAN'T RUN, THAT'S YOUR WOMAN.

WANT SOME CAKE ?

[ Derek ] THANK YOU FOR COMING IN ON A HOLIDAY LIKE THIS.

I HOPE IT WASN'T TOO MUCH OF AN IMPOSITION.

NO, NO. HERE YOU GO, DR. BOND.

THE ONES ON THE BOTTOM ARE FAXES FROM YOUR CLIPPING SERVICE.

AH ! [ Chuckling ]

** [ Whistling ]

[ Bell Rings ] YO, WHAT'S UP, ST-3-AND-A-HALF ?

HEY, MONEY MAN, HOW YOU DOIN' ? HEY, WHAT'S UP ?

I BEEN LOOKIN' FOR YOU. [ Laughing ] IT'S COOL.

WHOA, WHOA. THIS YOUR WOMAN ? OH, THIS IS KELLY.

- YEAH, YOU KINDA FAT. - I ? - YO.

- [ Weak Chuckle ] - SHE DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT ?

SHE AIN'T UP. NOT ALL OF US CAN BE. SHE AIN'T UP ?

- YOU WANNA GO REGULATE ? - REGULATE ? - MIX IT UP, MAN.

- LOOK FOR SOME NEW HIZZUNIES. - I HEAR YA, MAN. I'M DOWN.

JUST LET ME DEAL WITH THE THINGY-THING.

ME AND MY BOY ARE GONNA TAKE A CRUISE, ALL RIGHT ?

THAT'S A NICE RIDE, MAN. WORD UP, B.

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING. WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND ?

TALKING ABOUT WOMEN. OH, SOOKIE, SOOKIE.

CHECK THIS OUT. OH, ARE YOU CRAZY, MAN ?

WHOOOOOO ! I MEAN, CHILL, B.

SAY YOU'RE EATING A CHICKEN DINNER. THIS IS YOUR MAIN MEAL. THAT'S BROOKE.

- YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ? - THERE'S A TRUCK COMING, MAN.

- THAT'S ALL RIGHT. - IT'S A TRUCK, MAN !

I'M GONNA MAKE IT ! [ Screaming ]

[ Tires Screeching ]

YO, B. WE'RE ON THE TRAIN TRACKS, YO !

WHAT ? YOU KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT. THESE COUNTRY ROADS ALL LOOK THE SAME.

WHERE WAS I ? CHICKEN, RIGHT. CHICKEN.

SAY YOU'RE HOME AND YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE YOURSELF A GOURMET MEAL TONIGHT.

RIGHT. YOU GOT YOURSELF SOME GOLDEN BIRD.

THIS IS LIKE FREE-RANGE, NO CHEMICALS. THIS IS A BAD BIRD. BAD BIRD.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT ? YOU'RE GREEDY. GREEDY.

SO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DO ? I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DO.

YOU GO DOWN AND GET YOU SOME CHICKEN MCNUGGETS.

YO, MAN, IF YOU'RE HUNGRY WE CAN GO TO MICKEY D'S, MAN.

YO, MAN, YOU MISSED THE WHOLE POINT HERE. [ Yelling ]

I GOT IT. I GOT IT. I'M OKAY.

- WOOOO ! LOOK, WE'RE GOING 50 MILES. I CAN'T EVEN FEEL IT. - I CAN FEEL IT !

- THAT'S 'CAUSE YOUR BODY'S YOUNG. - I HAVE A YOUNG BODY.

- I HAVE A VERY YOUNG BUTT. [ Gasping ] - AH-HA !

- THERE IS A TRAIN ! A TRAIN. - WHAT ? A TRUCK ?

YO, THERE'S A TRAIN COMING, B !

[ Bell Ringing ]

- TRAIN ! TRAIN ! TRAIN ! - I CAN'T SEE IT. I NEED MY GLASSES.

NOW LET ME GET TO THE POINT. NOW BROOKE, THAT'S THAT GOURMET MEAL YOU'VE GOT WAITING.

- [ Screaming ] - AND SHE THINKS SHE'S THE ONLY DISH YOU HAVE.

[ Train Whistling ]

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DO ? NO, I SCREAM.

- YOU'VE BEEN GOING OUT WITH A CHICKEN MCNUGGET. - I GO OUT WITH A NUGGET !

- KELLY'S A GREASY NUGGET ! - BOY, IS THAT UNHEALTHY !

IT'S UNHEALTHY ! IT'S UNHEALTHY ! THERE YOU GO !

I'M JUST GONNA STOP AND TAKE A LOOK, MAN. WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?

THIS IS SOME BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY, MAN. WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?

WE NEED TO TALK, MAN. I THINK TWO MEN SHOULD TALK. [ Train Whistling ]

I MEAN, I HAVE A CHANCE TO TEACH YOU SOMETHING, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT ?

HOW OLD ARE YOU, MAN ? SIXTEEN, EIGHTEEN ? I'M SIXTEEN YEARS OLD.

I KNOW YOU WANT TO BE A MAN.

[ Train Whistling ]

YOU KNOW WHAT A MAN SPENDS MOST OF HIS LIFE DOING ? WHAT ?

HE BEGS. I'M BEGGING YOU FOR MY KEYS !

NO, NO, NO. YOU DON'T BEG ME. YOU BEG YOUR WOMAN.

I WILL-- I'LL BEG MY WOMAN. FOR FORGIVENESS.

I WILL BEG FOR FORGIVENESS ! [ Screaming ]

[ Sobbing ]

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THE TRAIN. I'M GLAD WE LEARNED SOMETHING HERE.

YOU'RE NOT FROM THE 'HOOD, OKAY ? BE YOURSELF. YEAH.

ME DRIVE OR YOU DRIVE ? I'LL DRIVE. YOU LOOK SHOOK UP. I'LL DRIVE.

NOW HOW DO I GET BACK TO THE CITY FROM HERE ? THIS IS A BUMPY ROAD, MAN.

[ Man On TV ] HI-YAH!

WHAT'S UP ? I'M LOOKING FOR A GARY YOUNG.

HE'S UPSTAIRS IN THE STACKS. YOU'LL FIND HIM. HE'S THE ONLY ONE HERE.

GARY ? [ Man ] * OH, SHE'S A BRICK HOUSE

* MIGHTY, MIGHTY LETTING IT ALL HANG OUT *

* SHE'S A BRICK HOUSE

* SHE'S MIGHTY, MIGHTY GARY.

- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ? - I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.

I'M JUST GONNA COME OUT AND SAY IT. YOU'RE MESSING UP BIG-TIME.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN ? - JASON ?

MAN, HE THINKS HE'S GONNA LET YOU DOWN IF HE DOESN'T BECOME THE NEXT MICHAEL JORDAN.

AND BROOKE ? THE GIRL IS WEARING BLACK, HANGING OUT IN GRAVEYARDS LIKE A VAMPIRE.

KIND OF SCARY, GARY. ALL THEY WANT YOU TO DO IS SAY THAT YOU LOVE 'EM.

OH, I'M NOT THROUGH YET.

WHEN YOUR WIFE EMILY FINDS OUT THAT YOU'RE TAKING OVER THIS BEAVER MEADOWS ACCOUNT,

YOU'RE GONNA BE IN THE DOGHOUSE BIG-TIME, BROTHER.

EMILY WILL UNDERSTAND. IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE A WHOLE LOT OF CHOICE IN THIS SITUATION.

OH, GARY, PLEASE. WILL YOU QUIT LYING TO YOURSELF ?

IF YOU TAKE OVER THIS BEAVER MEADOWS ACCOUNT,

YOU'LL BE JUST SELLING YOUR WIFE DOWN THE RIVER.

- I MADE A PROMISE TO MR. PIKE. - COME ON, GARY.

- IF YOU TURN THIS ACCOUNT DOWN, WHAT'S HE GONNA DO, FIRE YOU ? - YEAH, PROBABLY.

OKAY, SO YOU HAVE A LITTLE LESS INCOME.

YOU'LL STILL BE RICH BECAUSE OF YOUR FAMILY. YOU'LL BE RICH IN LOVE.

YEAH.

[ Sighs ]

[ Woman ] NATURALLY, THE PEOPLE'S RESPONSE TO BIODEGRADABLE--

MR. PIKE ? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ? OHH !

MOTHER AND I WERE CHECKING OUT THE COMPETITION. [ Laughing ]

JERRY, MY BOY, HAND ME A NAPKIN.

HEY ! IT'S GARY, NOT LITTLE BOY.

SEVEN LONG YEARS AGO,

YOU DUPED ME INTO BELIEVING I HAD A FUTURE AT PIKE, PETERSEN, CANN AND PEABODY.

BUT YOU NEVER HAD ANY INTENTION OF MAKING ME A SENIOR PARTNER !

SEE THAT'S-- THIS IS-- OH, DID I MENTION THAT YOU'RE A BIGOT ?

AND A BACK-STABBING BUFFOON ? WHOO ! YES ! WHOO-HOOO !

WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME NOW, I HAVE A LOVING WIFE...

TO WHOM I OWE A SERIOUS APOLOGY.

GARY, THIS ISN'T LIKE YOU !

I KNOW.

COME ON, MOTHER, LET'S GO HOME.

I'VE BEEN SUCH A--

WELL, THE WORD "JERK" SPRINGS TO MIND. [ Laughing ]

I THINK I WAS PICKING ON YOU BECAUSE--

I FELT THREATENED BY YOUR SUCCESS.

GARY.

CAN YOU FORGIVE ME ?

OF COURSE.

BUT, HONEY. YOU JUST QUIT YOUR JOB.

WELL, I'M APPLYING FOR A NEW ONE.

WHAT ? WHERE ? IN-HOUSE COUNSEL FOR EMILY'S YOGURT MADNESS.

THE FASTEST GROWING CHAIN IN THE TRI-STATE AREA.

OH, YEAH ? WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THEY'RE GOING TO HIRE YOU ?

I'LL TAKE MY CHANCES...

'CAUSE YOU'RE A BRICK HOUSE.

YOU MIGHT HAVE SOME SOUL AFTER ALL. [ Laughing ]

ALL RIGHT. COME HERE.

[ All ] OHHH ! OH ! OH !

AHHH ! SUCKING UP TO THE NEW BOSS.

OLD HABITS DIE HARD.

- AH, GUYS. I'M NOT THE GOOD FRIEND YOU THINK I AM. - NO, YOU'RE BETTER.

NO, SERIOUSLY, I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

COME ON, BIG GUY. DON'T GO ALL MUSHY ON US.

OH, LOOK AT JASON'S SKATEBOARD. GUYS. EMILY. GARY.

GARY, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME ? GARY. GARY !

JASON. GARY, WILL YOU--

OH, GOD !

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I DON'T CARE IF YOU GROW UP TO BE A STAR BASKETBALL PLAYER.

LOOK AT ME. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU GROW UP TO BE AS LONG AS YOU GROW UP HAPPY.

DAD !

- AHHH! WHAT DO YOU WANT ? - OH, CARL !

I GOT A LOADED WEAPON. YOU GOT THREE BEAUTIFUL KIDS. DON'T EVEN TRY TO RUN, BIG GUY.

- OH, NO. - LET ME TELL YOU. THIS GUY HERE'S A BIG PAIN IN THE NECK.

I WAS GONNA HAVE TO SHOOT HIM.

I STRONGLY SUGGEST THAT YOU RECONSIDER THESE HOSTILE AND ANTISOCIAL TOUGH GUY ANTICS.

- I, FOR ONE, AM NOT IMPRESSED. - SEE WHAT I'M SAYING ?

- YOU MUST BE KEVIN FRANKLIN. - NO, THIS IS DEREK BOND, D.D.S.

- WHO'S DEREK BOND, D.D.S. ? - HE IS.

- WHO ? - DEREK BOND, D.D.S.

- NO HE'S NOT ! - YES HE IS !

- WHO ARE YOU ? - HE SAYS HE'S DEREK.

- HE CAN'T BE DEREK 'CAUSE HE'S AN IDIOT. - AND HE TALKS TOO MUCH.

THIS IS NONSENSE. I AM THE REAL DEREK BOND, D.D.S.

AND I STRONGLY SUGGEST THAT YOU LOWER...

THAT DAMNABLE WEAPON BEFORE YOU HURT SOMEONE.

- JOEY. - I GOT TO DO IT.

- NO, LET ME HANDLE THIS. - GARY, I NEED TO TELL YOU--

IF YOU'RE DEREK BOND THEN SING THE CAMP MAPLERIDGE SONG.

- YEAH. - THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

- THAT WAS 25 YEARS AGO. - UH-HUH.

* OH, MAPLERIDGE OH, MAPLERIDGE *

* WE COME TO YOU EACH SUMMER *

- HONEY. - * OH, MAPLERIDGE OH, MAPLERIDGE *

- HONEY. - * WHERE ALL OUR FRIENDS--

[ Screaming ]

- THIS IS ASININE ! - THIS MAN IS AN IMPOSTOR !

FINALLY, SOMEONE WITH A LITTLE SENSE.

I CHECKED WITH THE AMERICAN DENTAL ASSOCIATION REGISTRY,

AND THE PHOTO OF DEREK BOND, D.D.S., SHOWS A MUCH UGLIER MAN.

YOU !

T-T-TRULY A GREAT PLEASURE TO MEET THE REAL YOU AT LAST. AHHH !

- HEY. - WELL, GOT TO RUN.

- UH-UH. - I GOT TO RUN A 5K.

WAIT HERE, PAL. NOBODY'S GOIN' NOWHERE. GRAB FRANKLIN AND LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

WAIT.

ARE YOU REALLY KEVIN WHATCHAMACALLIT ?

YES. I'M KEVIN FRANKLIN.

YOU LIED TO US ?

WE INVITED YOU INTO OUR HOME. WE THREW A PARTY FOR YOU.

WE INTRODUCED YOU TO OUR FRIENDS. WE TRUSTED YOU WITH OUR KIDS--

WE-- WE PLAYED GOLF TOGETHER.

AND YOU LIED TO US.

GARY, I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOU OR YOUR FAMILY. IT'S JUST--

I WANT YOU TO KNOW SOMETHING. I APPRECIATE EVERYTHING THAT YOU'VE DONE FOR ME.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. ENOUGH WITH THE SENTIMENTS !

HE LIED TO YOU. BIG DEAL. JUST-JUST-JUST FORGET IT !

GIVING ME A BIG FAT HEADACHE. EVERYBODY'S JUST MAKING ME NUTS. OKAY ?

NOW GRAB FRANKLIN, AND LET'S GET OUT OF HERE, PLEASE !

AND IF I WAS YOUS, I'D STAY OUT OF IT BEFORE SOMEBODY GETS PISSED.

- WERE YOU. - EXCUSE ME ?

- THE SUBJUNCTIVE. "IF I WERE YOU." - I'M GONNA KILL HIM.

BROOKE. BROOKE. BROOKE. PLEASE JUST LISTEN TO ME.

I AM SORRY. I AM SORRY. I'VE DONE A LOT OF THINGS WRONG.

AND I'M APOLOGIZING RIGHT NOW. I REALIZED I TREATED YOU REALLY BAD.

I MEAN REALLY, REALLY YUCKY. I AM BEGGING YOU. I AM BEGGING RIGHT NOW.

THERE IT IS. THERE IT IS. I AM BEGGING YOU. ALL RIGHT ? PLEASE !

WILL YOU FORGIVE ME ?

UH-UH, NO WAY, NO HOW. SEE YA.

UH-UH, NO WAY, NO HOW. SEE YA.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. COME ON, ROMEO, YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART.

- GRAB HIM AND LET'S GET OUT OF HERE, JOEY. - WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE ?

I'LL MISS YOU. I'M GONNA MISS YOU TOO, SARAH.

YEAH, COME ON. BEAT IT, KID. HONEY, PLEASE.

I APPRECIATE EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE. BYE, GUYS.

AH, COME ON ! MY LEGS ARE KILLING ME. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

WELL.

YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T HAD A MILKSHAKE IN THREE WEEKS.

I'M GONNA RUN IN THIS RACE IF IT KILLS ME.

IS THE BACK DOOR OPEN ?

LET'S GO !

OH, HE REALLY WASN'T SUCH A BAD GUY.

HE UNDERSTOOD ME. HE TAUGHT ME THE BOUNCE PASS.

HE WATCHED CARTOONS WITH ME.

HE MADE ME STAND UP TO MY BOSS.

YOU.

DON'T STARE AT ME. I'M NOT THE TWO-BIT CRIMINAL WHO'S INTO THE MOB FOR $50,000.

FIFTY GRAND ? IS THAT THE PROBLEM ?

WELL, IF 50 GRAND IS ALL THAT STANDS BETWEEN MY OLDEST FRIEND AND HIS LIFE--

KEVIN FRANKLIN IS YOUR OLDEST FRIEND ?

[ Laughing ] THAT MAN BAMBOOZLED YOU !

WELL AT LEAST HE HAD GOOD REASON. I'M A YOUNG, DAMN IT, NOT A WORM.

SOMEONE ATTACKS ONE OF MY FRIENDS, THEY ATTACK ME ! I'M GOING AFTER HIM.

I'M GOING TOO. ME TOO, DADDY.

WAIT, WE'RE COMING TOO. WAIT FOR ME, DADDY.

LET'S GO. LET'S GO, CARL. [ Dog Barking ]

WAIT FOR ME ! COME ON, HURRY.

[ Tires Screeching ]

PAULY. PAULY. WHAT, JOEY ?

COME ON. YOU CAN'T GO THERE.

I WAS JUST GONNA SAY THAT YOU CAN'T TURN THERE.

-WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME BEFORE ? WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU ? -YOU NEVER LISTEN.

- SHUT UP. JUST SHUT UP ! - [ Tires Screeching ]

- HEY, HEY, HEY. - I GOTTA GET THROUGH HERE.

NOBODY GETS THROUGH 'TIL AFTER THE RACE. COME ON.

HEY, YOU CAN'T LEAVE YOUR CAR-- HEY, BUDDY, YOU CAN'T LEAVE YOUR CAR !

[ All Shouting ] GO, DADDY ! GO !

[ Announcer ] PREPARE TO TAKE YOUR MARKS.

RUNNERS TO YOUR MARKS.

RACE TIME IN FIVE MINUTES. AH, AH, AH.

FIVE MINUTES TO RACE TIME.

- SHOOT HIM. - YEAH, BUT PAULY.

WE SHOULD GO SOMEWHERE ELSE. BECAUSE IF I WAS TO SHOOT HIM HERE, IT WOULD BE ALL MESSY.

HERE, PAULY. JOEY, WE'LL TAKE IT TO A CAR WASH ! JUST SHOOT HIM.

ALL RIGHT, YOU PROUD RUNNERS OF SEWICKLEY.

YOU'RE OFF !

- WHAT WAS THAT ? - WE LOST HIM AGAIN.

HEY, WATCH IT, WATCH IT. SORRY. [ Laughing ]

COME ON, BUDDY. LET'S GO.

HEY ! COMING THROUGH !

THEY'RE GONE ! THEN GO GET THEM !

HEY, GARY, OLD BUDDY, YOU CAN'T BE IN THE RACE WITHOUT A NUMBER. YOU TOO.

- NOW, GO GET 'EM ! - [ Tires Screeching ]

HEY, THERE THEY ARE.

- THIS WAY. - HEY !

LET'S GO. COME ON, NOW. LET'S GO.

COURSE VIOLATION !

COME ON, NOW. DIG, DIG, DIG !

IS THAT HIM ? THAT'S HIM. YEAH.

I GOT A LITTLE CRAMP. AHH !

THIS WAY. I KNOW WHAT YOU NEED.

MMM. I KNOW THESE PEOPLE.

[ Pauly ] OH, THERE THEY GO !

RIGHT THROUGH HERE.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. THESE PEOPLE ARE FRIENDS OF MINE. SO WE'LL JUST MINGLE.

OKAY, MINGLE. LET'S GET SOME CHICKEN.

[ Tires Screeching ]

NOW LISTEN.

YOU WERE RUNNING AWAY AND YOU STUMBLED ON US.

AND YOU ENDED UP HELPING US MORE THAN WE HELPED YOU. SO COME ON.

THERE'S GOTTA BE SOME WAY OUT OF THIS.

WELL, THERE'S ONE WAY. WHAT ?

JUST FIND THEM, OH, IT'S PRETTY. OH, LOOK, BARBECUE !

THIS TICKET COULD BE WORTH ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

HELLO, GIRLS. OH, HI.

THERE HE IS !

[ Cheering ]

OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. GARY BENEDICT ARNOLD YOUNG !

- YOU CHEATER ! - WAS THAT THE--

WHAT'S ANOTHER $950,00, MORE OR LESS ? YOU'RE ALREADY RICH.

SO YOU HAVE A LITTLE LESS INCOME. YOU'RE STILL A RICH MAN.

BECAUSE OF YOUR INCREDIBLE FRIENDS. YOUR FAMILY, THE YOUNG FAMILY.

YOU'RE RICH IN LOVE !

[ Announcer ] AND IN A SHOW OF GOOD SPORTSMANSHIP, OUR WINNERS...

ARE OUR OWN GARY YOUNG AND HIS HOUSEGUEST, DEREK BOND !

[ Cheering ] ARE YOU BLIND ?

- WHEN I GET THROUGH WITH YOU, YOU'RE DEAD MEAT. - HAPPY, NO.

QUIVERING ON A HIGHWAY.

[ Panting ]

[ Screaming ]

OH, I GOT 'EM RIGHT HERE. HOLD ON A MINUTE.

- THE PINHEAD PUT ME ON HOLD. - STICK 'EM UP. COME ON.

- LET'S GO. COME ON. NOT YOU. - OH !

- IN THE CAR, PAL. - KEVIN ! KEVIN.

HUH ?

- I MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING YOU'D BE INTERESTED IN. - NOT INTERESTED. N.I.

NO INTEREST. NO INTEREST. NO INTEREST. A LOTTERY TICKET.

- LOTTO SCHMOTTO. - LOTTO ? GOOD, GET IT.

LET ME SEE THIS. OH, HAPPY, YOU'RE GOING TO BE VERY HAPPY.

EXTREMELY HAPPY, HAPPY.

* RING YOUR BELL ALL RIGHT *

[ Tires Screeching ]

** [ Continues ]

WHOO ! ALL RIGHT.

HEY, YEAH. BRAND NEW CAR, SAME OLD DRIVER.

MAN, YOU ALMOST TOTALLED THIS CAR PARKING.

WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT ? I DIDN'T HIT NOTHING. THAT'S THE WAY A PORSCHE PARKS.

YEAH. HEY, HEY. KEVIN FRANKLIN, IN THE HOUSE.

HANDBOOK FOR HOUSEGUESTS. THIS BOOK PAID FOR THIS PORSCHE, DIDN'T IT ?

WELL, SUCCESS DOES HAVE ITS ADVANTAGES. YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT.

HEY, THIS IS A GREAT HOUSE. RESPECT THESE PEOPLE'S HOUSE, OKAY ?

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY. HOW YA DOIN' ?

BARNES AND NOBLE HAS BEEN SOLD OUT OF THESE FOR THREE WEEKS.

- THIS IS A HOT LITTLE-- - YOU TELLING STORIES AGAIN ?

OH, OH, OH. THIS WHOLE BOOK THING ? IT WAS MY IDEA.

WHAT'S GOIN' ON ? THEY'RE PLAYING IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE AGAIN ?

OH, NO, IT'S THE BIG SPIN. THREE DUMB GUYS COULD WIN A MILLION BUCKS.

HA, HA. ISN'T AMERICA WONDERFUL, BROTHER ?

[ Man On TV ] PAULY AND JOEY CASPERINI. LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

AROUND AND AROUND SHE GOES. WHERE SHE STOPS NOBODY KNOWS.

- NO. - AND IT'S GOING AROUND AND AROUND.

NO ! NO !

IT'S COMING DOWN TO THE WIRE.

[ Screaming ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Woman ] A MILLION DOLLARS !

FIVE THOUSAND. YOU JINXED ME !

[ Laughing ] YES ! YES !

I LOVE THIS GAME. THIS IS THE GREATEST GAME.

* REINDEER FEET MAKIN' NOISE *

MERRY CHRISTMAS. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

* REINDEER ARE COMIN' TO CONSUME AND MAKE SOME NOISE *

[ Dog Burping ] * I DON'T EVEN WANT NO DAMN TOYS *

** [ Continues ] UM. YOU KNOW, THIS STUFF IS AWFULLY HEAVY.

COME ON, BUDDY. LET'S GET SOME GRUB.

* WE WISH YOU A CHILI BURGER WE WISH YOU A CHILI BURGER * [ Laughing ]

* WE WISH YOU A CHILI BURGER AND A MUG OF COLD BEER **

* LOAD THE GRILL WITH FATTY MEAT *

* PUT IT ON A BUN AND EAT, EAT, EAT ** [ Laughing ]

* FRENCH FRIES THE BROWN- SKINNED VEGETABLE * [ Laughing ]

* COOKED IN A LOT OF GREASE *

* ALL OF THE OTHER NUGGETS * WISHED THEY COULD BE RED MEAT **

[ Laughing ]

* FIVE ONION RINGS

* FOUR DILL PICKLES THREE CHOCOLATE SHAKES *

* TWO APPLE PIES

* AND ONE, BIG FAT CHEESEBURGER **

YEAH !

* PATTY MELT, PATTY MELT PATTY MELT ON RYE *

* OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO SCARF

* A GREAT BIG PLATE OF FRIES HEY *

* DELI CHEESE, DELI CHEESE DELI CHEESE ON TOP. ALL RIGHT, PHIL.

* STUFF IT DOWN, EAT IT ALL UNTIL IT KILLS YOU BOTH *

* SMOKING ON THE GRILL A BIG SLAB OF SWISS * SING IT !

* WITH SOME ONION BREAD OH, WHAT HAPPINESS * SINBAD !

* CHEESEBURGER, CHEESEBURGER BURGER ALL THE WAY * HIP. HUP. ALL RIGHT.

* OH WHAT FUN IT IS TO MUNCH A CHEESEBURGER TODAY **

* THE FIRST MILKSHAKE

* WAS A CREAMY DELIGHT

* WE SUCKED IT DOWN SO FAST

* THAT WE BURPED IT UP ALL NIGHT **

* LOAD THE GRILL WITH FATTY MEAT *

* COOK IT REAL FAST AND EAT, EAT, EAT *

* PILE ON THE BACON AND BLUE CHEESE *

* BAG THE DIET AND CHEAT, CHEAT, CHEAT *

* YOU'LL BE BUYING BIGGER BLUE JEANS *

I ALREADY GOT 'EM , MAN. * OVERSIZED

* WE DON'T CARE IF WE GET FATTER *

* GIVE ME ONE MORE PIECE OF APPLE PIE *

* DROP THE FRIES IN A DEEP FAT FRYER *

* FA-LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA * LARD !

* WATCH THEM SIZZLE, CRISP AND BUBBLE *

* FA-LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA * LARD !

* YOU'LL BE BUYING BIGGER BLUE JEANS *

I ALREADY GOT THEM. * OVERSIZED

* WE DON'T CARE IF WE GET FATTER *

* GIVE ME ONE MORE PIECE OF APPLE PIE **

YOU BETTER LAY IT ON ME, BABY.

* GROUND SIRLOIN GROUND SIRLOIN ! MR. PRESIDENT !

* SWEET SIRLOIN SWEET SIRLOIN !

HILLARY, SIT IN YOUR CHAIR. SHE WON'T GET OUT.

SURE YOU COST. CHELSEA PUT THE CAT IN THE DRYER AGAIN. WHAT SHALL I DO ?

LOTS OF COIN. NEILSON CALLED. THEY NEED MORE TOILET TISSUE.

BUT WHEN I SWALLOW YOU... NORIEGA SAID HE HEARD YOU CALL HIM PIZZA FACE.

INTO MY GUT, YOUR BROTHER ROGER WANTS A LOAN AGAIN.

I CAN FEEL MY VEINS SLAMMING SHUT.

CINDY CRAWFORD CALLED. I'LL GET BACK TO HER.

THAT'S THE RISK THAT I TAKE.

SAID BEEP HER. YOU KNOW THE NUMBER. YEAH, YEAH.

THAT'S THE RISK THAT I TAKE.

OH, YOUR THIGHMASTER'S HERE. I BROKE THE LAST ONE.

* JOY TO THE WORLD THE MEAT IS DONE *

* LET BUNS RECEIVE THEIR BEEF * WHERE'S THE BEEF ?

** [ Continues ]

HEY, SINBAD, YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'VE BEEN TO GLEE CLUB OR SOMETHING.

YOU SOUND GREAT.

* AND MUSTARD AND RELISH AND MAYO TOO *

* FAT DRIPPINGS ON THE SIZZLING COALS *

* WE ALL ARE DROOLING NOW

I AM SO HUNGRY. YOU REALLY SHOULD EAT BEFORE YOU COME OUT.

I CAN EAT A PTERODACTYL. I HAD ONE. A PTERODACTYL BURGER.

ARE THEY GOOD ? YEAH, REALLY NICE. LIKE CHICKEN.

* AND PICKLES

* AND LOTS OF

* FRIES *

[ Laughing ] MERRY CHRISTMAS !

MY VOICE WAS BREAKING. YEAH, MAN, YOU SOUND GOOD, BROTHER.

[ Slurping ]

[ Burps ]