Original subtitles

I can't breathe. I wasn't put on this planet to point a freakin' camera

at a freakin' wedding cake.

I keep thinking about Close Encounters.

At the end, Richard Dreyfuss, he says goodbye to Earth

and he gets on that UFO.

He has to.

Gotta say goodbye to your friends and family...

...for the great unknown.

That's a hero. That's an artist.

And a real artist doesn't need friends or family.

Don't forget, Beavers,

Intergalactic Lust premieres tomorrow night.

Be there or be square.

♪ When I was young I knew everything ♪

♪ And she a punk Who rarely ever took advice ♪

Why are you here?

And, cut.

♪ Stop a baby's breath And a shoe full of rice, no ♪

Hey, everyone, big ups to Kate for making this all happen.

♪ 'Cause she was touching her face ♪

♪ I won't be held responsible ♪

♪ She fell in love in the first place ♪

Pocket residence, Scott speaking.

Hey, pal, it's Luke O'Neil.

Cedric, hey, my man.

I know the screening is tonight, Leslie.

I need your help.

- T-This changes the whole movie. - I know. That's the idea.

How's that gonna work? Premiere's tonight, you're out of time, homes.

I'm only out of time when the lights go down. And...

Action!

♪ Valium and slept ♪

♪ Now he's guilt stricken sobbing ♪

You're wise to come around.

- Think you got it? - Ain't no thing, but a chicken wing.

And...

Action!

♪ I can't be held responsible ♪

♪ 'Cause she was touching her face ♪

♪ I won't be held responsible ♪

Can I tell McQuaid you're changing the movie?

No.

Can I tell Kate?

Especially not Kate.

Can I tell Tyler?

No one can know about this. It has to be a surprise. Okay?

Okay.

♪ For the life of me I cannot believe ♪

Roll sound.

♪ We'd ever die for these sins We were merely freshmen ♪

♪ For the life of me I cannot remember ♪

Know this, I'm better for loving you.

♪ We'd never compromise ♪

♪ For the life of me I cannot believe ♪

♪ We'd ever die for these sins We were merely freshmen ♪

Enjoy.

- Are you Luke's Mom? - Yeah, yeah, I am.

I will show you to your seat.

Okay. Thank you.

It's still a little soggy up here.

Follow me.

- Hey, good-looking. - Hey.

Nice dress.

Oh, thank you.

Somebody might have helped me pick it out.

You pierced your nose.

Yep, somebody might have inspired me.

I got you something.

It matches your nails.

Oh... yeah.

Thanks.

So, do you want to sit together?

Doesn't that go without saying?

Of course!

Yeah, totally. I just didn't know if you wanted to sit with me,

or sit alone, 'cause that would be...

Kate...

I want to sit with you.

Cheers.

You're to sit in the front row, next to the gentleman.

Enjoy the show.

- Hi. - Hi.

I can move if you prefer.

No. No, that's okay.

Did Luke send you up here?

Yeah.

Popcorn?

- Are you sure you have enough to share? - Hmm. No.

No popcorn for you.

How are you?

I... I've been better.

You?

Same.

S-s-so, you nervous?

Nervousness is an irrational feeling that has no practical application whatsoever.

So, y-you nervous?

Very much so, yes.

Yeah, I thought so.

Dude, she's here.

McQuaid, good-looking tux.

Where'd you get it?

Oh, this old thing's... It's been in my family for years.

Really?

- I saw the same one at the thrift store. - No.

No, I don't think so.

Mm-hmm.

I'm ready.

Cue spotlight.

Hello.

I'm Luke O'Neil.

Thank you all for coming.

This guy I once knew

said that in order to be an artist, you couldn't be held back by things.

Things like friends or family.

I don't know. The reason I bring this up now is because it's...

it's helped me realize something.

That guy was one hundred percent wrong.

It's because of my friends and my family that I've been able to make this movie.

This is our movie.

And, uh, I want to thank everyone from Drama Club to A/V Club,

to Stargrove.

What's up, man?

But, most importantly, I want to thank Mr. Messner.

Thank you for allowing us to go to Cali.

And for what it's worth, I think you're a really good dude.

Aw!

All right.

Enjoy the movie, everyone.

Greetings, my friends.

We are all interested in the future,

for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.

You will now witness the shocking tale

of a literal star-crossed love affair...

Is this new?

...light-years from now.

The story of a man so unfortunate

as to fall in love with the most forbidden of alien kind.

My friends, the moment has come.

Can your hearts withstand

the shocking tale that is

Intergalactic Lust?

As you, my fellow Americans, well know,

improving the space program has been important to my administration.

Which is why I'm confident that not only will we reach Mars and Jupiter,

but we will also manage to reach... Uranus.

Duh!

- President, I need your attention. - What, Secret Agent Smith?

Aliens from planet Gloptonia have landed on Earth.

It appears they have touched down in Boring, Oregon.

Boring?

Who would name their town Boring?

There is no time. We must act now.

You're right.

Smith, I want you and all my agents in the field, now!

Penis!

God, this movie sucks.

Blorg, please do not leave me and go to Earth.

I love you.

Why must you leave me?

Please don't leave me.

I must join my comrades to defeat the Earthlings for their cheese.

Farewell, my love.

Perhaps for now, perhaps forever.

The aliens are up ahead!

Whoo!

Greetings, fair one.

Whoo!

Zarginda!

What are you doing here?

Who's the human? Seems you two got along well enough.

Blorg! No, never.

I could never love an Earthling!

If you did, I'd blow their planet to bits!

- You'd do well to remember that. - Look out!

We're heading straight toward asteroid belt B-13!

Its poisonous gas has been known to have shape-shifting properties

that work on males only!

Oh my, I feel strange.

Has my appearance changed?

- This is pretty fun. - Oh, my God, it's good, right?

Someone's stealing the Saturn Five rocket.

It's him! Stop him!

What I do, I do for love!

Victorious!

Cheesemongers of Earth shall rue the day they provoked the mighty Blorg.

Bound by duty and love, I say you're more god than Gloptonite.

Whoo!

So hot, McQuaid!

Commander Blorg, this human was found by an abandoned space pod.

Thank you, Vakes. So, tell me, human.

What brings you to Gloptonia, you mortal fool?

Her.

You heard me, I'm here for your woman, you nasty-ass Muppet!

Vakes!

Let's leave this place and live happily ever after on Earth.

Definitely. We can't... I... I can't make you do this.

You couldn't survive on Earth and I-I can't survive here.

We both know it.

I didn't want to believe it, but we don't choose who we are, Zarginda.

We belong in different worlds,

and it breaks my heart we're not meant to be,

but I'm better for loving you.

And if you even feel one percent the same way...

that's enough for me.

Luke, why aren't you watching?

I've seen it plenty of times.

So, you changed the ending.

It's about us, isn't it?

Are you upset?

No, I'm the opposite of upset.

I love it, Luke.

Cool.

And I saw our parents in the balcony.

It's pretty cute.

If you saw what I saw, you wouldn't be calling it cute.

Wanna head back in?

Yeah, it's pretty much over.

And that was a friend-kiss, by the way.

I-I know, Kate. I-I know.

Get him!

Damn you, Agent Smith!

Yo, blueberry!

Let's jam.

Whoa!

Whoo!

Go, Luke!

Whoo!

Holy crap, that movie was awesome!

- We've got to make another one. - A courtroom drama next time!

It'd be so exciting.

We should make an Italian slasher movie.

- Ah! - Nice.

No, as if.

Hey.

Hey.

- That for me? - Yeah.

- You wanna... - What?

Come with me.

Oh, this cake is incredible.

Hey.

Are you McQuaid?

Yeah, yeah, he's McQuaid. And I'm Tyler.

Will you sign my program?

Um, what? Why?

You were the funniest part of the movie.

Yeah, I'm usually much better at detecting sarcasm.

See? He's so funny.

Okay. I'm going in.

I-I-I'll sign it, if you want.

♪ That I ought to stick to another man ♪

♪ A man that surely deserves me ♪

♪ But I think you do! ♪

♪ So I cry, I pray and I beg ♪

♪ Love me, love me ♪

♪ Say that you love me ♪

♪ Fool me, fool me ♪

♪ Go on and fool me ♪

How did you make the watermelon explode?

Well, basically, my friend Tyler filled this watermelon full of fireworks

and then we just blew it up.

I mean, it was...

Can you give me one second? Thanks for coming.

- Hey, little man. - Hi.

It was so good. I am just so proud of you.

Oh, thanks, Mom.

Bravo, Mr. Director.

I think we may have to make the school movie a Boring High tradition.

Oh! Oh, thank you. Thank you.

So, uh, are you guys like a thing?

Oh, uh, you have to understand. It's... it's complicated.

- Yes. - Yes.

Cool.

Mr. Messner, could you give me a moment with my mom?

Yeah.

Sure, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna get my mingle on.

Sorry.

You want some punch?

Yeah. Sounds good.

Uh, what are we doing?

May I have this dance, madame?

♪ Came in from a rainy Thursday On the avenue ♪

♪ Thought I heard you talking softly ♪

♪ I turned on the lights, the TV And the radio ♪

♪ Still I can't escape the ghost of you ♪

♪ What has happened to it all? ♪

♪ Crazy someone say ♪

♪ Where is the life that I recognize? ♪

♪ Gone away ♪

♪ But I won't cry for yesterday ♪

♪ There's an ordinary world ♪

♪ Somehow I have to find ♪

♪ And as I try to make my way ♪

♪ To the ordinary world ♪

♪ I will learn to survive ♪

♪ Every world ♪

♪ Is my world ♪

♪ I will learn to survive ♪

♪ Every world ♪

♪ Is my world ♪

♪ I will learn to survive ♪

♪ Every world ♪

♪ Is my world ♪

I'm sorry I flipped out.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

So, is he good to you?

- Yeah, he is. - Good.

He's kinda of a dweeb.

Yeah, he is.

So, um, I was... I was thinking.

Maybe it's okay for us to not tell each other everything.

- Maybe we're better off having some, um... - Boundaries?

I was gonna say secrets, but yeah, boundaries.

Okay, I'm good with that.

Cool. 'Cause... I've got a bunch of secrets I've been keeping from you.

- A bunch? - Yes.

If I told some of these to you, your mind would be blown.

Some secrets are okay.

Hey.

I love you.

Mom.

Do you happen to have that Breakfast at Tiffany's song?

Kate!

I am so proud of you.

That was so good.

It was so funny, and so creative.

Thanks, Dad.

What a great night, huh?

- Greatest night of my life. - I can tell.

You're glowing.

I am?

You certainly are.

You're just lighting up the whole room with that beautiful smile of yours.

Oh, I'm embarrassing you.

Uh, no. No, it, um...

What is it, sweetie?

Dad...

- I... - Yo, Messners!

Yo, O'Neils!

Kate, it is so nice to finally meet you.

Same.

Um, no offense, but the snack situation here is a little lame.

We were thinking about leaving and going for a pizza.

- Do you guys want in? - Are we in?

- Sure. - Okay.

Great.

♪ We love the all, the all of you ♪

♪ Where lands are green And skies are blue ♪

♪ When, all in all, we're just like you ♪

♪ We love the all of you ♪

- Do you want a bite? - Yeah, well... Okay.

Who goes into this coffee shop...

Here.

♪ We love the all, the all of you ♪

♪ Where lands are green And skies are blue ♪

♪ When, all in all, we're just like you ♪

♪ We love the all of you ♪

♪ Well that sounds fine So I'll see you sometime ♪

♪ Give my love to the future Of the humankind ♪

♪ Okay, okay, it's not okay ♪

♪ While it's on my mind There's a girl that fits the crime ♪

♪ For a future love dream That I'm still to find ♪

♪ But in the meantime ♪

♪ We love the all, the all of you ♪

♪ Where lands are green And skies are blue ♪

♪ When, all in all, we're just like you ♪

♪ We love the all of you ♪

♪ We love the all, the all of you ♪

♪ Where lands are green And skies are blue ♪