All language subtitles for Catastrophe.S02E06.en

Giving £15,000 of our money away
without telling me is lying.

I wanted to help your brother,
not mine, to keep a roof
over his family's head.

Catherine dumped me.
So I really want her to
think I'm, like, "in danger."

That's what this is all about.

If I wasn't married,

if my marriage were
in slightly worse shape,

I would totally--

Olivia's made a rather
serious complaint against you.

She no longer feels
comfortable working

- in the same
environment as you.
- What?!

Earlier today-- [laughs]

Do you wanna put
the baby down?

[horn honks]

Hey, man.
I'm not high.

Great.
You mind if I put these
in the backseat?

Go ahead.
You know what?

I fucked a plus-size model
back there last night.

I'm gonna be honest with you.
It was a bit of a mess.

Just-- like that,
like it was nothing,
like, I don't--

This is crazy.

I don't wanna talk about it
in front of Melissa.

Okay, Melissa,
could you give us a minute?

And don't call me as
a character witness in
your sexual harassment trial

because I don't feel I
could be very helpful right now.

Melissa, just to get you up
to speed here.

- There's no trial.
- Don't talk to Melissa.

Okay, I see you're not
interested in sane dialogue
so I'm gonna go,

but we at least need to
arrange a time where--

- You can email me.
- Okay, so when--

Just email me.

Okay.
Is your email address

still "impatient shithead
at mean dot jerk"?

Yeah, yeah, it is.

Is yours still

"fat idiot
at bad breath dot cunt"?

I don't have bad breath.

Yeah, you do.
Melissa, does he
have bad breath?

It's just too much
coffee, I think.

It's not like halitosis.

You just need to drink
more water.

Can you drive?
I'm legitimately
afraid of her.

I looked in her eyes back there
and there's nothing to lose.

Dot cunt. That's awesome.
Is that an actual domain name?

Because if it is,
I will buy that.

[laughs]

I think this neighborhood
could suit us.

Smaller houses too.
Our house is just
too big and showy

- You know what I mean?
- Yeah, you have to
keep it real.

Exactly. That was a
Vietnamese restaurant
that shut down last week.

Who knows what they'll
put there next.

- Could be anything.
- Yeah, could be a Betfred.

Where's Rob today?

Oh, don't you know?
Aren't you in business
with him?

You know mom and dad are
mortified about all this.

Morris' don't get divorced.

- We're not getting divorced.
- What about next time
they go home?

How's Mom gonna tell--
You think of your
mom waddling up.

'Cause you know how
bad her hip is now.

Waddling up as is everything
wasn't bad enough already.

- Waddling up there--
- Shut up, Fergal.

Just to be practical.
Your street value
has declined.

You're old now
and you've kids.

Think there's gonna be
something better out there
for you?

Forgot to tell you.

Remember that guy you
went out with at school,

Connor Byrne,
remember him?

Of course.
What about him?

He died.
I saw it on Facebook
this morning.

He died? He's dead?

Yeah, that's your
dating pool now.

Dead guys,
letting agents.

Maybe.
And your husband.

That's it.
Bird in the hand,
what?

[snorting]

Dave.

Oh, hey, man,
don't worry about this.

This is just Friday.

Whatever.
Do what you gotta do.

It's your house,
but would you mind turning
that video game thing down?

It's been on loop
for a few hours.

Is that what the noise is?

Sasha said it was
inside our heads.

I'm so relieved
it's coming from there.

I thought I had a problem.

You know, Dave,
I'm getting a sense

this might not be
the right place for me.

I mean, I can't bring the kids.
Muireann's just a baby.

Her skin's so porous.

I don't want her getting
a bunch of coke
in her bloodstream.

This isn't coke.
This is Krokodil.

Like I'd do coke
around a baby.

I love seeing you
in my home, buddy.

[cell phone rings]

Hey, Mom.

So I just got off
the horn with Sharon.

And if you want
my honest opinion,

this is the best thing
that could have
happened to you.

Really?
It doesn't feel like it.

Yeah, I've spoken
to Susan Greenberg's
husband Mitchell,

and he says he can get you
a killer lawyer

who -- not saying send
her to jail,

but he can definitely
get you full custody
of the kids.

I don't want full custody
of the kids.

No, you're right. Start over.
Clean slate.

- I gotta go to work.
- No, you don't.

Sharon told me you're under
house arrest

for sexually assaulting
some French woman.

I didn't sexually
assault anyone.

I know you didn't,
and even if you did,

it doesn't define you.
It's just the thing you did.

- [beeps]
- Ooh, I've gotta go.

Did you know that
you can actually

message people
from inside eBay?

I will always answer
one of those.

Goodbye, baby.

- Where you taking them?
- Don't know.

We might hit
a Stay And Play

or we might fly out
to Botswana.

Are their passports
in the bag?

First, that's not funny.

And second, you would need
a notarized letter from me

to leave the country
with them because I
looked that up,

and that will never happen.

First, it is funny.
And second,
I looked it up, too.

And you're right.

Hey.

Bye, Mommy.

Bye. [kisses]

Bye-bye-bye. Have fun.

Does he ever use those pads
when he goes downtown?

He uses a pillow.

Oh, okay.

More importantly.
What's going on
with you and Rob?

Oh, I just--

I just kind of hate him
at the moment.

I give up everything
for him and he--

What did you have to give up?

I had--
I gave up my career for him.

My body. I have to wear
a padded bra now

just so my giant nipples
don't poke through

even when I'm wearing
a leather fucking jacket.

Your nipples got big?
My nipples got long.

Mine got big and long.

And he repaid me
by lying about money,

and having a veritable
sex affair with a French slut

who I've looked up online
so I got no qualms saying that.

She had purple eye shadow on
in her corporate photo.

You're disappointed
he's not perfect.

- Well, that's on you,
not him.
- What?

Take it from someone
who's recently wrapped up
her own imperfect marriage.

Get him back
before it's too late.

A rose for my rose?

Oh, lovely.
A rose.

Before it's had the chance
to fully blossom,

plucked from my
very own garden.

We're the only men here.

I thought dads were
supposed to parent now.

Not really.

It's like a meat market
with a special on mom jobs.

Nah, this well's poisoned.

They've seen me here
with Sharon.

Yeah, well,
the odds are good.

The goods are odd.

Do you wanna get out of here?

No way. This is the most fun
I've had in weeks.

You have all these plans
for your life post marriage.

Then you remember
you're pushing 50

and the Sky football package
is in fact quite competitively
priced.

So what's the plan?
You wanna rehash your
apology by me?

I haven't done
anything wrong.

- Okay, OJ.
- What? I didn't--

Come on, you put
a down payment on an affair,

you dish-faced
American twat.

You let Emanuelle know

there's cracks
in the dam at home.

That stinks.

[inhales and exhales]

It stinks like
French pussy.

Oh, and Frankie got
a little cut on his finger.

How'd he cut his finger?

He said a man
with a sword did it.

I didn't see any men
with swords.

- Right, well, I'm gonna go.
- Well, wait, um--

I just wanted to say, um--

I just wanted to--
sorry for some of the things.

I think there's maybe certain
things I could have handled
a bit better, I suppose.

Okay, thank you.

[chuckles]
Thank you?

I just said "sorry"
and you said, "Thank you."

You didn't say "sorry."
You said, "Sorry for some
of the things."

- That's not an apology.
- It wasn't supposed
to be an apology.

I don't even
want to apologize.

I've got nothing
to apologize for.

I've got nothing
to apologize for,

because I didn't do
anything wrong.

What I did was like
a fidelity traffic
violation.

You told that woman,
or as good as told her,
that you think about

[whispers]
fucking her often.
And you got yourself fired.

I haven't been fired.
I'm just not allowed to go
to work right now.

Plus, I'd say there's a pretty
big difference between that
and what I actually said.

If you didn't say it,
then it's what you exuded.

You don't know what I exude.

You exude black squid ink.

What are you talking about?
That doesn't even make
any sense?

It makes sense.

Just what did you gain

for not telling that French cow
exactly where to get off?

When she said
all that shit to you,
did you want her to like you?

Not everyone has to like you.
You're not a puppy.

You're an adult man
with a wife,

honest people
who tell people how they feel,

when they feel it,
have people not like them.

Okay, that's what I do.
I've earned the right
to have people dislike me.

I am very happy to have
people not like me.

No shit. Let me call
the Associated Press.

You know what I think?
I think the truth is
your marriage wasn't

a fucking fun fair 100%
of the time, you child.

So you had to have yourself
a little escape hatch pussy
at the ready.

Well, wipe Frankie's ass
better next time.

Because when I
picked him up,

it was not clean and
it made the car smell.

Hello, it's Sharon.
What are you doing tonight?

[door opens]

Rob:
Dave, something's burning.

- [inhales]
- Are you cooking?

Hey.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna get a hotel.

Oh, no, no, no,
you got this all wrong.

I'm cleaning up my act.

See, I had Ken come over
specifically

to finish off the drugs
with me.

[inhales and exhales]

And later, I have a
cleaning lady coming over

so now my home
is a safe place

for kids and their drugs--
dads.

Thanks for letting me stay,
Dave. I'll call you.

I'm gonna bake
a key lime pie later.

So why don't you
come back then?
For pie.

Where's the toilet?

Huh?
Oh, it's just there.

Do you have another one
further away? [groans]

Watch whatever you want,
eat whatever you want.

There's some coconut bullshit
in the fridge.

I don't know what it is.
Please eat it.

I noticed you had some little
Heinekens from the fridge
last time you were here.

I don't want you to drink.
Is that okay?

Even a little can of--
when you're with my kids.

Well, there was
nothing else to drink.

Even-- even still.
Just have some tap water
from the tap.

- Where's Rob?
- I don't know where he is.

- What, did he leave you?
- No, I kicked him out.

Shit.

- You kicked him out?
- Yeah.

That's nuts.
You all right?

Yeah,
I'm very all right.

- Wait, you kicked him out?
- Yep.

'Cause that's nuts,
that is.

Yep, so you said.
All right, I'm going.

See you later.

Why do you think it's nuts?
What's so nuts?

I don't know.
He's just fit, isn't he?

Yeah. Do you not
think I'm fit?

- What?
- Nothing, doesn't matter.
I've counted the beers.

[sighing]

Oh, for goodness sake.

And Brian said if I'd been
less brazen about it,

he might not have
kicked me out.

Oh, right, yeah.

But I had receipts for lube

- from, like, five different
chemists in my bag.
- Right.

You know how you need a lot
more lube when you get older?

Oh, God.

- But I get to see the kids
every other weekend, though.
- Aww.

Ellie my four-year-old
called me a slag the
last time I saw her.

Christ.

I'm not happy. [sobs]

You know, so think about it
for a minute

before you move into
a dirty houseboat with
a tanning bed salesman.

Even if he does have
a massive cock.

Look--

No, I mean, it's massive.

How's it going, lads?

I was just saying,
do you know who you look like?

Your PE teacher?

[laughing] People say I look
like a filthy Natalie Portman.

Do you want a drink?

Say yes.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- [thumping]
- [woman moaning]

- [glass shatters]
- [man laughs]

Can I have an escort?

Okay, I'm sorry.

Can you give me
the phone number

for not an expensive one?

Okay, sorry.

You're right, and plus,

I was only kidding,
and you need to lighten up.

I'm just partying
if you wanna come up.

What's your name?

Okay, thanks, Kevin,
maybe next time.

[laughs] No.

[exhales]

Fuck.

Hmm.

Do you think they're talking
to them about us?

[laughs] I doubt it.

We bought them those drinks

on the understanding that
they would then buy us drinks.

- Right?
- Yeah.

Hang on.
Did they just buy them drinks?

You do not pay it forward.

I'm going over there.

What? No, wait.
Don't go over.

Be patient.

Hey, Dave.

Hey, Dave.

Dave.

Dave.

Lamp.

Dave, are you here?

Jesus, Dave.

Dave, wake up, man.

Wake the fuck up!

[grunting]

Are you breathing?

Are you breathing,
you fucking 45-year-old
heroin partier?

[wretches]

Hello, I have an OD.

My friend OD'ed
on Clark Street.

Hey, want a drink?

No, I've had enough.

Well, yeah,
I'll have a Diet Coke.
What are you having?

- Whiskey.
- Yeah, okay,
I'll have one of those.

- Thought we lost you to
Elsa and Anna over there.
- Who?

Have you not seen
"Frozen"?

I don't suppose you wouldn't--
Oh, it doesn't matter.

So what's the deal
with all this?

Do you play rugby,
or wrestle or whatever?

No, it's crossfit, baby.

Gross.

Hey, you ever been up
on the roof of this place?

It's pretty cool.
You can see for, like,
1,000 miles.

Really?
Like the full thousand?

To, like, all the way
to Namibia.

What?

Namibi-- doesn't matter.
Come on, let's go.

I love a good roof.

- Hey.
- I'm just going up
on the roof.

Where'd the other one go?

He's in a stable for now.
I mean, he's in a coma.

But the good news is that
anything that is gonna happen

has already happened
other than death.

So now we just wait,
see what damage there's--

You know,
that's totally, um--

You know,
to be figured out.

That's um, TBD.

Jesus.

I feel terrible.

Why because you got mad
when he lied to you?

Men shouldn't lie
to women.

Don't feel you need
to talk to me.

Okay, I'll just be here
by the vending machine

and only if you get the chance
'cause this is a huge favor,

but I put £2 in the machine
for some chicken soup,

it's E6 and no
chicken soup came out.

So if there's a machine
in the doctor's lounge.

[groans]

Just so...
friggin' hungry.

[sobs]

[groans]

[cell phone rings]

Oh.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Are you okay?
[exhales]

Jesus.
I don't want him to die.

I mean,
'cause I quite like him,

but also he just made me
feel better about me.

Thanks for telling me.

Who else am I gonna tell?

Sorry, I know I smell
like a festival toilet.
I drunk a lot last night.

- No.
- Brushed my teeth five times.
I had a shower.

I don't even know
where the smell is
coming from.

It's like [sniffs] my liver?
I don't know.

Where's Frankie?

What?
Do you not have him?

[laughs]
He's at Ollie's.

How are you?

Very shit.
How are you?

- Very not well.
- Look, I've really thought
about everything.

So have I.
So have I.

I think this is how
I'm gonna get my head
around it.

You hated your job, right?
I mean, you really hated it.

And this French hussy
waltzed in and made things
exciting for a while,

and you let her
because you're weak.

- And stupid.
- Yeah, and sometimes

when I feel
worthless and ugly,

I go to the coffee place
by the canal because the
Spanish guy who works there

definitely wants to fuck me.

I mean, he definitely wants to
and I let him want that

with my body language
and sometimes my words
language.

What I did is worse
because I jeopardized
everything.

- No, you just--
- What did you want?

Some free cinnamon
on your cappuccino.

I put my job
and my family at risk.

Well, maybe don't.

Because I'm already
finding it hard

- Okay.
- to just get my head
around the--

I don't wanna be alone.

I don't, either.

I don't feel safe in the house
you know, on my own.

There's a new nighttime noise,
and it's not a fox or--

I don't know what it is,
but it's a bad new
nighttime noise.

Okay, I would like to help
you identify that noise.

And I know you wanted
to move the bed against
the other wall,

and you can't do that
on your own.

Are they good enough reasons
to stay together?

Maybe not,
but here's another one.

I've been looking at flats
and they're so expensive.

I'd have to move 30 miles away
from you and the kids.

And I don't wanna do that.

And this is a tiny one,

but as I look at you,

all the reasons I fell
in love with you have come
flooding back so much

that I think
I might throw up.

And again, flats
are very expensive.

They do sound really
expensive.

- Have you slept with anyone?
- No.

I did jerk off
a couple times at Dave's

'cause his porn collection
is like museum level,

but that's it.

Have you?

- What?
- Slept with anyone?

- Of course I haven't
fucking slept with anyone.
- Really?

No.

No, I can't show this fanny
to anyone, it's a mess.

There's scar tissue.
I don't even wanna look at it.

The only person I can show
this fanny to is you.

Can you show it to me
right now?

[grunting]

Oh, shit, there's a guy.

He can't see us.

I love you.

I love you.

[grunting]

[phone line ringing]

- Hey.
- Hi, Kate, it's Sharon.

How's it going?

- Are you still with--
- Am I still with who?

What's his name?
From last night.

No, I am not.
I'm at home

with my husband and my kids
and I just made lasagna

- and now I'm
putting toys away.
- Good for you.

Can you just tell me
approximately what
happened last night?

There's a huge chunk
of it I can't remember.

Are you alone?
You went off with your man.

For what,
like a minute?

More like an hour.
[laughs]

And then you left,
like, with him. [laughs]

[sighs] Shit.

[mutters]

Oh.

Oh, God. Oh, shit.

- [sniffs]
- Rob: Hey.

Frankie wants to show you
the poop that he just did.

Before you say no,
it's pretty amazing.

[panting]
Sure. Oh, God.

- Hi.
- Can I help you?

Yeah. I need Plan B.
Like, a morning after pill.

Whatever.
I mean, I probably don't,
but I'm just gonna--

I need the morning after pill.
[exhales]

Shit.

You think Frankie
understands the plot?

It's just two cowboys
falling in love.

I think he probably gets it.

[doorbell rings]

I'm minding Muireann.

Okay.

[kisses]

- Here you go.
Keep the change.
- Thank you.

Oh, this was in there.

Cheers.

What the fuck?

You okay?

A bit spicy.