All language subtitles for Catastrophe.S02E05.en

- [theme music playing]
- [snorts]

Siri, I need help
from Rob Norris.

- I wanted to introduce
Olivia Vasseur.
- Hello.

I thought to myself,

"I'd like to suck his cock
until he passes out."

- I need a short-term loan.
- How much are we--

Just 10 grand.
15 if you want.

My dad's losing his fucking
marbles, you know, he left
the door open.

The dog's dead.
It could have been Frankie.

To Bridget and Rob.

Who the fuck is Bridget?

- Rob: How was that?
- Super fun.

- Did you ask what
I told you to?
- Which question?

If I thrust too deeply,
will my penis hole latch

onto the IUD coil thingy
and pull it out?

Yeah. No, it's fine.
They put it more than
two and a half inches inside me.

Well, then,
we're all set then.

So we go IUD or vasectomy.
I'm not going on the pill again.

Last time I went on the pill,
I put on two stone just
in my face.

Well, it is easy to take
the IUD out if it doesn't
agree with you?

Yeah, says here it can be
removed quite easily by
any qualified butcher

or bus driver.

Well, then maybe we should
go that route.

To be honest, a vasectomy
makes me nervous now.

I don't wanna have more
children, but I wanna be
able to have more children.

Yeah, no. Ugh.

I think I'll go IUD then.
I don't know.

We could just use condoms.

[laughing]

We have to do something,
though. We're fucked
if I get pregnant again,

especially now I'm going
back to work.

I'll just be taking the piss.

You really wanna go back
so soon?

I mean, Muireann's only
four months old.

Did you say that to yourself
as you went off to work
yesterday?

I'm not sure if I should
go to work today.

Muireann's only
four months old.

Maybe if I could feed her
with my body, I would.

I have good news.

700 years ago they
invented formula

and now men can feed
the babies they make.

I love her so much. I need
to get away from her, though.

So what's the plan?
We put 'em both into nursery?

I want to take Frankie
out there anyway.

He asked me for
a cup of milk yesterday.
He called me "love."

He sounds like Jason Statham.
We'll just get a child minder.

A full-time child minder
will cost almost as much

- as your teaching salary pays.
- Yeah?

So you wanna go back
to a job that takes you
away from your kids

- to earn no money?
- Bingo.

- How were they?
- Frankie was great.
She's tricky, though.

Yeah,
she's a terrible person.

Shut up.

How was the funeral?

It was lovely.
They laid on a big chili
and rice.

- All right.
- The rice wasn't
cooked properly.

At a funeral, like people
haven't enough to worry about.

That's true.

Whose funeral was it?

Your cousin's wife.

Ellen. Sickle cell anemia.

Terrible. Usually only
African people

are supposed
to get that, you know?

You two should have shone
your faces really. Ash is
very fond of you, Fergal.

I said a prayer
for him, Mom.

Ah, 'tis lovely seeing
the little ones.

Come here to your granny.

- We miss them, Des,
don't we?
- Ah.

Well, you should get
over more then.

Well, we've been thinking

about moving to London
to be nearer
the grandchildren.

What do you think
about that?

[farts]

Dad seems all right.

Yeah, well, he isn't.

He called me Uncle Tommy
at breakfast.

And I found three tins
of chick peas in his
suitcase yesterday.

He's breaking wind
constantly.

Amanda is really upset.

[laughs] Oh, God.
I don't know why I'm laughing.

We're fucked
if they move here.

I always thought you'd move back
to Ireland to look after them.

- What the hell?
- Come on, you were 40,
single, no dependants.

You were on a bullet train
headed straight for that
situation.

Then he swings in on a vine
and saves you.

Now what?

You ready to go?

Hey, Fergal, listen,
about that loan.

- What loan?
- Theloan.

I'm just taking the piss.
Do you wanna meet for lunch
during the week?

Thursday's best for me
'cause every other day
I have body balance.

Thursday? Okay.

I'll see you Monday.

So it's a beautiful day out
and I found myself thinking

I could make this day last
five times longer by smoking
a bunch of coke

or I could call
my good friend Rob Norris

and have him bore
that idea out of me.

One day at a time,
fake it till you make it

and don't run so fast that
your guardian angel
can't keep up.

- Come on, man.
- Hang in there, buddy.

[sighs]

Come on, fuck!

Harita,
what can I do for you?

I'm gonna need you
to start thinking

about an ad campaign
for the new trilofan drug.

Okay, what does it do?

Well, we're not certain it
does anything,

but testing suggests it
might not do nothing.

- Rob: Hey!
- Hey!

Just read the same sentence
about Rihanna five times,

I still don't get it.
I'm a moron, though.

Well, maybe try reading a book
instead of a shitrag

that tells adult women
they shouldn't have hair
on their adult pussies.

Yeah, I hate myself.

You know, I've been thinking
about you going back to work

and I wanted to let you know
that I support that.

Thank you.
I'll tell the other
sister wives.

No, I was also thinking

you know, instead of paying
a stranger to be
with our children,

maybe we should
think about me

being a stay at home dad
for a while.

Okay, is that a joke?

No, it's not a joke.

I mean, we're in
a good position now.

We've got money
in the bank.

I'd get to spend time with
the children.

Use the time to rethink
a few things.

You know, find something that
suits me a little better.

Oh, so like a gap year.

All right, look,
I can't do it anymore.

You know, I had a meeting
yesterday with a guy who
had no whites in his eyes.

They were just black
like a shark.

I mean, these are the people
I work with every day.

I can tell the idea
really appeals to you.

Well, no, it does.
It's just I think the time

to quit your job would have
been before you had two kids.

It's hard for a mother
to say you can stop
earning money now.

What about if you just got
a really fulfilling hobby?

Right, so like smoking
my own meats or magic.

See if one of those
can cure my spirit cancer.

Well, now you're just being--
that's silly.

I meant photography
or something, you know?

Like the saxophone.
[laughs]

You know what?
I'm gonna take up golf.
See how you like that.

I'm gonna spend all our
money on golf equipment
and golf holidays

and every weekend
you can mind the kids

while I play golf
like a fucking golfer.

Well, don't take up golf.

You can't have it both ways.

I'm not saying don't
quit your job.

I'm just saying let's
look at the bigger picture

and you know,
talk about us.

- All right, well--
- [TV playing]

[scoffs]

[bell rings]

Beautiful.

[chattering]

What age is she now?

Four months.

Is that a new printer?

That's elegant.

Is this--
Jesus, is this new carpet?

What is going on?

She doesn't look
like you at all.

I think-- I think she does.
I think she does look like me.

- Are you sure she's yours?
- Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

Sorry.
Can you not do that
with your fingers?

I don't want her
to get a nicotine buzz.

When are you back with us?

I was thinking soon.
Like, you know, in a few weeks.

- How old is the baby?
- Still four months.

You're not gonna take
the whole 52 weeks?

No, I'm fucking not.
Sorry, no, I'm not.

So what's the crack, lads?
What's going on?

- [bell rings]
- Okay, well,

I'm gonna be here for a bit

so if anyone wants to catch up.
I'll see you soon.

Yeah, bye-bye-bye.
I'll just be here.

All right, Pete.

How's the breastfeeding
going?

Fine.

When my wife stopped nursing,

it was the smell I missed
the most.

My wife was like,
"Don't get used to the smell,
it won't be around forever."

And I was like,
"I don't care."

But she was right.
And I did care.

It's nice to
smell it again.

I'm gonna wait outside.

This is a better table.

Thanks, man, I wanted to start
getting our finances in order

'cause I'm thinking about--
what's this?

What's this?
It's your money.

Rather, it's a spreadsheet
explaining how your money

is mingling with other money
and growing making little
money babies.

Having much more fun
than if it was sitting
in some savings account.

It wasn't in a savings account.
It was in a mutual fund

that I had to pay a penalty
to get it out of.

- What even is this?
- What is this?

What is it?
If you repeat a question
back to me again,

- I'm gonna fucking go bananas.
- Hey, man, just relax.

No, no, I won't.

Okay, just listen.

Some real estate guys I know
are opening a resort in Budva.

Where the fuck is that?

Budva. Montenegro.

- Montenegro?
- Yeah. Have you been?

No, no one has.

Listen, it's in the early
planning stages,

but you're gonna get
your money back and then some.

So you'll probably look back
on how mad you are now
and laugh by the way.

Probably wouldn't be a good idea
to tell Sharon about this.

I can't think of a scenario
where she wouldn't kill us both
so no need to worry about that.

I knew I could depend
on you my br-

Don't you French at me.

Montenegro.

This is to go.

Thank you so much
for coming in.

Mrs. Hammond, hi, sorry.
Is this a good time
for a quick word?

Miss Norris, I'm just talking
to Mr. Warner here.

Oh, sorry, sorry.

Would just like to address
some little issues with
Gabriel that we have.

He is such a firecracker
in the classroom,

but we need to find a way
of containing his energy.

And I'm wondering whether you
could help us with that.

We are working
our hardest because he's
actually a very able boy,

and we want to find a way
of bringing the best out
of him.

[talking over each other]

...was very worrying.
I'm wondering whether
he has breakfast.

- So hopefully see you when I--
- I'm not sure if--

Okay, thanks, bye. Sorry.

I think somebody's hungry.

I forgot my bread.

[knock on door]

- May I come in?
- Yeah, yes. What's up?

I don't want things
to continue to be
awkward between us.

Neither do I.

I think that the way
I spoke to you a few weeks ago
was not--

what I mean is I
shouldn't have said
those things.

Hey, we all say
crazy things sometimes.

I mean, I probably could
have done certain things
differently, too.

So I didn't imagine it.

No, I don't think you did.

The tension between us.

Yeah, of course
there was tension.

I'm really sorry.

Don't torture yourself
on my account.

I mean,
if I wasn't married...

I mean, if my marriage were
in slightly worse shape,
I would totally--

what I mean is
you're very beautiful.

Too beautiful to work
in the same building
as me anyway.

And well, look,
I'll shut up now,

but yes,
there was tension,

and now there isn't
because here we are
saying there shouldn't be.

Cool.

I'll let you finish
your stinky kebab.
Bye-bye.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Mmmmm!
- How was work?

Not a total nightmare today.

Cool.

Oh, God,
you all smell so good.

I dropped in school today.

I've got a meeting
with Hammond on Thursday.

They got a new carpet
in the staff room.

- What?
- Yeah, I mean it's
more carpet tiles, but--

- Still.
- I know.

What were you doing
with Fergal earlier?

Mallandra said
he was with you.

Oh. We just grabbed lunch.

I need to talk to him
about Dad.

We need to figure out
what to do.

Well, have you thought
about residential care?

Yeah, but what about my mom?
She's young. She's cool.

She doesn't wanna
be hanging around
with a load of old idiots

just playing bingo
and flicking through
coffin catalogs.

Maybe she would.
Have you asked her?

It's not funny.

Are you asking me if I'd
be okay with them moving
in here because--

I don't know.
I don't know what I'm asking.

I mean, if the shoe was
on the other foot.

You know, if you wanted your
mother to move in with us,

I would work really hard
to try and find a way
to make that not happen.

Of course.

We need to help my dad.

He would never ask for help
and he deserves it.

This is the man who took
on the nuns for me.

Like high-ranking nuns,
like the dangerous ones.

The ones that can
fuck you up.

Okay, well,
let's think about it.

The kids might like it
if they moved in here.

And, you know,
they say pets are good

to have around to teach kids
about mortality.

So grandparents
would be like...

No. No, do you not think...

No?

- Don't get up.
- Oh, sorry, what?

- How are you doing?
Welcome back.
- Thank you. It feels like--

How are mothering duties
treating you?

Well, it's you know,
it's really been--

- We've had Mr. Lawler off
with his back six months now.
- Oh, God.

And Miss Fanning left us
last month to pursue her yoga.

I must hit her up
for some free--

- What can I do for you?
- Just to talk about
coming back, really.

I know you've had a temporary.

- Miss Shanna.
- Yeah, she seems--
I met her in the--

When would you be interested
in returning?

I think ASAP, really.

I mean, to be honest,
I didn't realize how much
I love teaching

until I had to be around
my own kids 24 hours a day.
[laughs]

I love my kids.
I wanna be around them
maybe eight hours a day.

The rest of the hours
I wanna be somewhere else.

I mean,
it's been wonderful.

You know,
it's everything I hoped,

and part of me will find it
very tricky to leave them,

because, you know,
especially Muireann

because, you know,
she's only--

I mean,
she's just four months old.

And it took a while
to bond with her,

so now I feel like
every day

I'm just sort of
making up for lost time
and that's hard on Frankie.

You know,
he's my eldest.

Because that takes attention
away from him,

and he was very sick.

I don't know if you--
he was premature.

And he was so tiny.

My husband and I
nearly broke up
because of the strain.

I mean, Frankie's fine now
apart from his kidneys.

And one of his ears is still--
We're lucky. We're very lucky.

I suppose what I'm trying
to say is

that it's just hard

you know, just to know
how to do things best.

[sniffles]

Oh, shit, sorry.

I think a little more time.

Yeah, yeah.

Take some time
with the children.

I think maybe just--

Yeah. It's been lovely
to see you.

It's been lovely.
It's been lovely.
Thank you.

Thank you so much.
I'll-- yeah.

Hey, you wanted to see me?

You know Margaret from HR.

Yeah, hi, Margaret.

Rob, Olivia's made a rather
serious complaint against you.

What?

She said you made sexual
remarks towards her
in your office,

and she no longer feels
comfortable working in
the same environment as you.

What? What?!

She said you told her
that "if your marriage
was in slightly worse shape,

you would totally want
an affair with her

and that she was
too beautiful to work
in the same building as you."

Okay. Hmm.

Did she tell you that
a few weeks ago she told me

that she wanted to suck
my cock until I passed out?

That kind of language
is utterly inappropriate
and vile.

I fucking agree.

I'm gonna ask you
to step out now, Rob.

I will step out, but I'll be
stepping back in tout suite

to receive an apology
from all three of you.

You know what?
You can stick your
apologies up your asses,

and not in a sexual way.
I'm taking a leave of absence.

Margaret, I'll thank you
to sort that.

Harita,
thank you for everything.

Olivia,
I hope you die in a fire
and that's not a threat.

It's just a wish that I have
in my own private heart.

Shit.

[cries]

- [cell phone rings]
- Hello.

Hey, I'm gonna give you a chance
to explain the £15,000
withdrawal from our account

- before I go fucking
apeshit on you.
- [sighs]

I can hear you thinking.
Don't think. Just start talking.

Fergal.
Fergal asked me for money.

Fergal asked you
and not me?

Yes,
and I'm a dangerous moron
for giving it to him,

but when he asked
I thought I was being
noble or some bullshit.

I'm gonna kill him
and you, you fucking liar.

Giving £15,000 of our money away
without telling me is lying.

No, it isn't.
I wanted to help your brother,

not mine, to keep a roof
over his family's head.
I don't even like him.

- Now I'm gonna fucking
kill him.
- No, I'm killing him.

I'm gonna kill him.
I'm gonna go and kill him now.

- [clicks]
- Since when did you become
a letter opener?

I haven't seen you open a letter
from the bank or any letter.

You just throw mail
on the on the letter
mountain on the sink.

- Hey, sold enough drugs
for one day?
- Oh, Christ.

Hey, I'm having fun, man.
This is um... [snaps fingers]
Leslie.

We met on Tinder.
Her profile picture is her
giving the finger to a tiger.

And I was like, "Yes,
I wanna hang out with you.

- Hi.
- What about your liver, Dave?

Liver sliver.
I'm on donor waiting lists

at a bunch of hospitals
in America.

- I'll be fine.
- Jesus Christ.

Also, Catherine dumped me.
Didn't I tell you?

So I really want her to
think I'm, like,

"in danger."
That's what this
is all about.

You don't think it's
about you being a sissy
alcoholic asshole

who just wanted to
get loaded?

Also a possibility.

Oh, my God, look at that.

Jesus Christ,
do not talk or look at her.
She's a crazy bad person.

- Shit. Is she the one
you fucked a toilet for?
- Shut up, man.

Hey, you wanna come to
Lucky Voice with us?
You wanna do karaoke?

Go to a hospital or something,
please. Just get away from me.

Rob Norris.
You're a wet blanket, Rob.

You're a wet blanket
and a bad friend.

You're not my friend anymore

if you don't come
to karaoke with us.

- Oh, hey, do you wanna--
- Don't speak.

- You should have come to me.
- What were you gonna do?
You're a teacher.

Have a fucking bake sale
for me? I needed money.
I still need money.

Things are expected of me
because I'm a man.

For God's sake.

You don't understand.
Everything is on a knife edge.
We have to move.

- Mallandra, she can't
even look at me.
- Carol: Hello, we're back.

I'll get you the money back
as soon as I can, okay?

Just please don't tell
Mom and Dad.

- Offer to let them
move in with you.
- Come on.

Let them move in with you
until we can sort something
more permanent out.

- I'll tell them.
- What are you,
a fucking terrorist?

Hey, do you want
a cup of tea?

Don't mind if I do.

- Fergal has some fun news.
- Oh.

[mumbles]

You look awful.

Sounds about right.

Well, you should feel awful.

I went and see Fergal.
He's gonna give the money
back when he has it.

But he's gonna shoulder
the mom and dad shit.

- Okay, that's the deal.
- Great.

Because it's not worth
falling out with family
over money.

- No, I guess--
- And when I say family,

I mean my brother.
I don't mean you.

- Okay.
- Here's some other news.

Just before I found out
my husband gives our
money away,

I broke down in front of
the head mistress.

Full snot cry as we
both realized I'm not
ready to go back to work.

And I feel bad saying this,

but I really don't want you
to give up your job.

Right, okay.

This is the first time
in my life

I've had choices.
We've had choices.

We can go on nice holidays

or we could buy
a dress we like that
isn't in the sale.

I know you take a taxi back
from the gym sometimes.

The point is we have choices.

I can't stay there.

Why not? Because your
job is morally challenging.

Well, whose job isn't?

I used to have to cast
the smart talented kids
in the summer play

so it would reflect well
on the school

when I should have been
casting the fat, shy ones.

I didn't like doing that,
but I like getting a paycheck
once a month.

I can't go back there,
honey.

What do you mean you
can't go back there?

What's happened?

- [laughing]
- Rob.

Well, so...

earlier today...

it's almost silly is what--

is what it is.

Do you wanna put
the baby down?