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1
00:00:05,022 --> 00:00:06,922
Dude, I've been sober
for three months
2
00:00:06,952 --> 00:00:08,602
for the first time since
I was twelve!
3
00:00:08,642 --> 00:00:10,707
- Can't talk now. Chris is leaving.
- He, what?
4
00:00:10,742 --> 00:00:12,882
- It's fine, it's just temporary.
- It's not temporary!
5
00:00:12,922 --> 00:00:14,764
This is Catherine,
my extraordinarily
6
00:00:14,789 --> 00:00:16,325
- beautiful girlfriend.
- Hi.
7
00:00:16,351 --> 00:00:19,402
Sometimes, I find myself
thinking that I'd like to have sexual
8
00:00:19,442 --> 00:00:21,602
intercourse with women
who have penises.
9
00:00:23,275 --> 00:00:24,304
Right!
10
00:00:27,322 --> 00:00:30,122
- What time is it?
- 7:15.
11
00:00:30,162 --> 00:00:33,382
Oh! I love it
when they sleep in.
12
00:00:34,348 --> 00:00:35,682
Why do you think
we don't check and see
13
00:00:35,682 --> 00:00:37,522
if Muireann's still alive
any more?
14
00:00:37,562 --> 00:00:39,882
Because the very act of
doing that could wake her up.
15
00:00:39,922 --> 00:00:43,922
And that's worse
than her being dead.
16
00:00:43,962 --> 00:00:46,562
- Happy anniversary.
- Happy anniversary!
17
00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:53,722
It's such a pathetic anniversary
though, isn't it? Three years.
18
00:00:53,762 --> 00:00:57,082
- Like, that's nothing to be proud of.
- I'm proud of it.
19
00:00:57,122 --> 00:01:00,162
I'm more proud of us
than I am of the kids.
20
00:01:00,202 --> 00:01:02,402
- [groans]
- What? No, I'm serious.
21
00:01:02,442 --> 00:01:04,332
What's to be proud of
there?
22
00:01:04,372 --> 00:01:06,282
I mean, who doesn't want
to take care of their kids?
23
00:01:06,322 --> 00:01:09,312
You'd have to be a monster to
not want to do that. But this?
24
00:01:09,322 --> 00:01:10,759
Maintaining this?
25
00:01:10,834 --> 00:01:12,642
This is the slog.
26
00:01:12,682 --> 00:01:14,027
Thanks, lover.
27
00:01:15,119 --> 00:01:16,624
- Do you ever think
about cheating on me now?
28
00:01:16,642 --> 00:01:17,712
- Mm-hmm.
29
00:01:17,727 --> 00:01:19,512
- But you haven't ever cheated on me?
- No.
30
00:01:19,552 --> 00:01:21,457
- Why not?
- Why haven't I cheated on you?
31
00:01:21,517 --> 00:01:22,762
Because... Loads of reasons.
32
00:01:22,802 --> 00:01:25,042
I mean, the biggest is
you've been pregnant so much,
33
00:01:25,082 --> 00:01:28,442
so, not fucking some
prostitute is the least I can do
34
00:01:28,482 --> 00:01:29,922
when you've been carting
around our babies
35
00:01:29,962 --> 00:01:31,932
- in your body.
- Wha...?
36
00:01:31,951 --> 00:01:34,242
Why does it have to be
a prostitute?
37
00:01:34,282 --> 00:01:37,362
Because if you think I'm going
to put time and money and effort
38
00:01:37,402 --> 00:01:40,802
into maybe getting into some
woman's pants, you're crazy.
39
00:01:40,842 --> 00:01:44,012
If I ever do cheat on you, it's
going to be a cash transaction
40
00:01:44,022 --> 00:01:48,002
with a guaranteed ejaculation, after which
she immediately leaves
41
00:01:48,042 --> 00:01:51,002
so I can ponder suicide
because of how guilty I feel.
42
00:01:51,042 --> 00:01:54,962
Aw! That's so sweet.
43
00:01:58,440 --> 00:01:59,586
What?
44
00:02:00,151 --> 00:02:02,482
Aren't you going to ask
me if I've ever cheated?
45
00:02:02,522 --> 00:02:04,156
So arrogant!
46
00:02:04,161 --> 00:02:06,842
- Why? Have you?
- No.
47
00:02:06,882 --> 00:02:09,322
Oh, but... I did come home
the other day and masturbate
48
00:02:09,362 --> 00:02:12,576
when a hot black guy told
me I smelt good in Tesco's!
49
00:02:12,622 --> 00:02:14,842
Oh... Tesco's?
50
00:02:14,882 --> 00:02:17,212
Um, you know...
51
00:02:17,812 --> 00:02:21,962
Sex with someone else is like
a nice idea in theory, but...
52
00:02:22,002 --> 00:02:24,802
Like, you have a penis,
and it's fine
53
00:02:24,842 --> 00:02:26,752
and you know what
to do with it now,
54
00:02:26,752 --> 00:02:29,282
and sex with a stranger, man?
55
00:02:29,322 --> 00:02:31,642
It's not like it would be any good,
the first six or eight times.
56
00:02:31,682 --> 00:02:33,762
I'd have to train him,
and by then I know him,
57
00:02:33,802 --> 00:02:35,762
he's a person in my life and...
58
00:02:35,802 --> 00:02:38,192
Fuck that. I may as well have
sex with you at that point.
59
00:02:38,252 --> 00:02:39,445
Fair enough.
60
00:02:41,602 --> 00:02:43,522
Frankie's going to be here
for his presents in a moment.
61
00:02:43,562 --> 00:02:46,282
- So better get rid of your boner.
- Oh, shit.
62
00:02:46,322 --> 00:02:49,682
Yeah, he was in here the other
day, kicking it. It was awful.
63
00:02:49,712 --> 00:02:53,082
I don't want my son to have any memories
of any contact with his father's boner.
64
00:02:53,122 --> 00:02:55,962
- That's trouble!
- Mm. Plus kids, you know, they talk.
65
00:02:56,002 --> 00:02:59,722
Yeah, he'll be in nursery today,
"My daddy's penis is hard!"
66
00:02:59,762 --> 00:03:02,471
"My daddy's penis was harder
than normal this morning!"
67
00:03:05,401 --> 00:03:07,002
It's not going down.
68
00:03:07,042 --> 00:03:10,042
Um... think about...
69
00:03:10,082 --> 00:03:12,482
Think about Liza Minnelli
eating hummus.
70
00:03:32,682 --> 00:03:35,458
Hi. I was...
71
00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:37,754
I just want to know...
72
00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:39,798
how much is it?
73
00:03:40,662 --> 00:03:42,867
Is that per hour or per...?
74
00:03:45,022 --> 00:03:46,106
Great!
75
00:03:47,410 --> 00:03:49,312
What the fuck!
76
00:03:49,312 --> 00:03:51,482
You have to stop coming by
without calling first.
77
00:03:51,522 --> 00:03:53,842
If you don't want me in your
apartment, don't give me keys.
78
00:03:53,882 --> 00:03:56,362
- I could've been...
- You could have been what?
79
00:03:56,402 --> 00:03:57,828
Just call first.
80
00:03:58,322 --> 00:04:00,882
I brought round some of
Geoffrey's clothes. Ironed.
81
00:04:00,922 --> 00:04:02,802
Some of... your stuff
got mixed up in there too,
82
00:04:02,842 --> 00:04:06,994
- so I gave them a quick press.
- Thank you.
83
00:04:07,642 --> 00:04:08,982
Some of those boxers
looked like
84
00:04:09,012 --> 00:04:10,642
they'd been worn
for more than a week.
85
00:04:10,682 --> 00:04:13,522
- Well, I don't need you...
- Well, I mean, really. They were grey.
86
00:04:13,562 --> 00:04:17,442
And I don't want to embarrass you, but
there was brown in there too.
87
00:04:17,970 --> 00:04:20,142
It's no way
for a grown man to live.
88
00:04:21,441 --> 00:04:23,602
- Should I buy you some new pants?
- I can buy my own pants.
89
00:04:23,642 --> 00:04:26,105
Oh, can you!
Who's a big boy?
90
00:04:26,642 --> 00:04:29,762
Right.
I'm going to my boot camp.
91
00:04:32,042 --> 00:04:35,144
I put a vegan lasagne in
your freezer compartment.
92
00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:38,402
Thank you.
93
00:04:47,162 --> 00:04:48,842
Morning!
94
00:04:48,882 --> 00:04:51,122
I was just smiling because
you're the first woman that
95
00:04:51,162 --> 00:04:54,282
I haven't wanted to pile
into a taxi the second after I've come.
96
00:04:54,322 --> 00:04:56,428
Well, that's fucking romantic.
97
00:04:58,822 --> 00:05:02,306
- What time is it?
- It's... 7:30.
98
00:05:02,331 --> 00:05:03,491
Oh, bollocks!
99
00:05:05,282 --> 00:05:09,682
I've got a press conference at
9:00 for the Clean Water Trust.
100
00:05:09,722 --> 00:05:13,392
Do you want some breakfast?
I-I feel compelled to feed you.
101
00:05:13,422 --> 00:05:17,059
- I've got a machine that makes omelets.
- No, I've got to run.
102
00:05:17,082 --> 00:05:19,802
I'm seeing you later, right?
You're coming to Tina's?
103
00:05:20,052 --> 00:05:22,962
- I don't think so.
- Why not?
104
00:05:22,965 --> 00:05:27,112
Well, I like you a lot,
and I'm afraid if you see me
105
00:05:27,122 --> 00:05:29,176
with your cabal of do-gooders,
you might realize
106
00:05:29,182 --> 00:05:31,720
that I'm actually
an asshole and a coward.
107
00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:34,825
They're not do-gooders,
they're fuck-ups.
108
00:05:35,362 --> 00:05:38,802
- Like you. Don't be feeble.
- Oh.
109
00:05:40,642 --> 00:05:43,362
All right.
Should I bring anything?
110
00:05:46,802 --> 00:05:48,002
Bring that.
111
00:05:58,022 --> 00:05:59,552
Frankie's in a cake coma.
112
00:05:59,622 --> 00:06:02,402
It's his birthday,
so he shouldn't wake up.
113
00:06:02,442 --> 00:06:05,802
- What time do I put Mee...
- Muireann?
114
00:06:05,842 --> 00:06:07,492
Put her down around 7:30.
115
00:06:07,552 --> 00:06:10,422
She's going to cry for about
20 minutes. What Sharon does is
116
00:06:10,422 --> 00:06:13,082
she hides in the room while
she cries. I don't do that.
117
00:06:13,122 --> 00:06:15,016
I come downstairs and
I put on my headphones
118
00:06:15,032 --> 00:06:17,608
and I listen to the first half
of Appetite For Destruction.
119
00:06:17,642 --> 00:06:21,082
So you can do one of those
but if you pick her up
120
00:06:21,122 --> 00:06:23,637
and you soothe her and you mess up her
sleep training, I'll know
121
00:06:23,642 --> 00:06:26,402
about it and I'll come to
your house and wake you up, okay?
122
00:06:26,442 --> 00:06:28,338
- Okay.
- Great.
123
00:06:29,030 --> 00:06:30,192
So what time are you back?
124
00:06:30,212 --> 00:06:32,922
Well, I don't know
because it's a surprise.
125
00:06:32,962 --> 00:06:35,704
- We'll be back around 11:00.
- Oh.
126
00:06:36,322 --> 00:06:39,635
Okay, so, watch TV,
help yourself to food.
127
00:06:39,682 --> 00:06:41,422
Maybe don't cook
anything.
128
00:06:41,422 --> 00:06:44,002
Last baby-sitter we had would
just really go to town, so...
129
00:06:44,042 --> 00:06:45,494
You know, just use
your discretion.
130
00:06:45,552 --> 00:06:47,842
If there's four chicken
breasts, that's a meal for us
131
00:06:47,882 --> 00:06:52,122
tomorrow probably but, you
know, cereal, a rice cake,
132
00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:54,501
some raisins, just help
yourself to any of that.
133
00:06:54,542 --> 00:06:56,470
- Okay?
- Okay.
134
00:06:56,492 --> 00:06:59,072
And if the mood strikes you
to do a little laundry,
135
00:06:59,112 --> 00:07:01,562
- then go for it.
- I don't do laundry.
136
00:07:02,502 --> 00:07:05,162
Okay. You know, I said,
"If the mood strikes you,"
137
00:07:05,202 --> 00:07:08,202
it's, ah, it's not "Downton Abbey."
Just whatever you like.
138
00:07:11,762 --> 00:07:13,202
I don't like her.
139
00:07:16,642 --> 00:07:19,722
Last time I was here I had
to send my pros-cutto back
140
00:07:19,762 --> 00:07:21,962
because there was
a wee ginger hair on it.
141
00:07:22,002 --> 00:07:23,682
Chris nearly hit the roof.
142
00:07:23,722 --> 00:07:25,002
You mean prosciutto?
143
00:07:26,322 --> 00:07:27,792
Oh, right, yeah.
144
00:07:28,722 --> 00:07:30,502
Well, Chris was the cook
in our house,
145
00:07:30,502 --> 00:07:32,422
- so I never had...
- Shh-shh. Shhhh.
146
00:07:32,882 --> 00:07:34,082
No Chris.
147
00:07:38,362 --> 00:07:40,042
You look very
handsome tonight.
148
00:07:40,082 --> 00:07:41,642
I like the way
you've done your hair.
149
00:07:41,642 --> 00:07:44,922
- It really frames your features.
- Thank you.
150
00:07:44,962 --> 00:07:48,122
Sometimes when a woman
your age wears her hair long,
151
00:07:48,162 --> 00:07:50,002
it can really drag
the face down.
152
00:08:05,782 --> 00:08:06,932
I wish we'd met earlier.
153
00:08:06,932 --> 00:08:09,422
Oh, sorry, but I really
wanted to be on set
154
00:08:09,472 --> 00:08:12,402
because Jeffrey was doing that
scene with Maggie Gyllenhaal.
155
00:08:12,442 --> 00:08:15,842
I'd heard that she was,
well, less than pleasant.
156
00:08:15,882 --> 00:08:18,082
Happy to confirm that.
157
00:08:18,122 --> 00:08:21,079
- I meant earlier in our lives.
- Oh, right, yes.
158
00:08:21,662 --> 00:08:24,234
- That would also have been nice.
- Very nice.
159
00:08:25,042 --> 00:08:27,288
Francesca, I know it's a
bit early in our relationship
160
00:08:27,302 --> 00:08:30,602
but I'm not getting any
younger and neither are you.
161
00:08:30,602 --> 00:08:33,367
A man doesn't meet a
woman like you every day.
162
00:08:34,142 --> 00:08:37,546
I think I would be
a good husband to you.
163
00:08:37,610 --> 00:08:38,878
So if you would do...
164
00:08:44,752 --> 00:08:47,282
And then my stomach started
making all these noises,
165
00:08:47,322 --> 00:08:49,642
probably because I hadn't
eaten in, like, a week
166
00:08:49,682 --> 00:08:52,282
and I thought, "Well, now I
have to shut this fucker up,"
167
00:08:52,322 --> 00:08:54,722
so I held the gun
to my stomach
168
00:08:54,762 --> 00:08:57,082
and I pulled the trigger
but it just went
169
00:08:57,122 --> 00:08:59,122
"click" because, obviously,
I'd already emptied
170
00:08:59,162 --> 00:09:01,002
the clip into the TV earlier.
171
00:09:01,042 --> 00:09:05,662
And I had this moment of
clarity and I called Ash.
172
00:09:06,072 --> 00:09:09,512
- And he pulled me out of it.
- I'll never forget that call.
173
00:09:09,512 --> 00:09:11,362
"Come and get me, please."
174
00:09:11,402 --> 00:09:13,162
Don't know why I called him,
175
00:09:13,202 --> 00:09:15,642
you were dissolving cocaine
in fucking cider
176
00:09:15,682 --> 00:09:18,362
- and injecting it at the time.
- I liked to party.
177
00:09:18,402 --> 00:09:21,722
- He lost custody of his kids.
- Yeah, but I got them back.
178
00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:23,792
He lived in an upturned boat
179
00:09:23,832 --> 00:09:25,752
in a limestone quarry
for two years,
180
00:09:25,752 --> 00:09:27,602
and I mean he fucking
lived there.
181
00:09:27,602 --> 00:09:31,704
Now he's an executive
director at the IMF.
182
00:09:32,472 --> 00:09:35,682
I have never known
one man to take his pain
183
00:09:35,722 --> 00:09:39,108
and translate it
into such pure light.
184
00:09:43,112 --> 00:09:46,402
What a fucking mess! Huh!
185
00:09:46,442 --> 00:09:48,512
God, I mean,
I was never that bad.
186
00:09:48,512 --> 00:09:51,792
You know, I definitely thought I was
going to die but, like, in a fun way,
187
00:09:51,792 --> 00:09:56,132
at a party, not in the flaming
school bus that I'd stolen.
188
00:09:56,172 --> 00:09:58,112
I had people telling me,
"You're scum,"
189
00:09:58,112 --> 00:10:01,002
and, "You're going to
choke on your own tongue,"
190
00:10:01,042 --> 00:10:02,572
etc. but, you know, I always
191
00:10:02,582 --> 00:10:04,522
had money in the bank
and, um, I guess
192
00:10:04,562 --> 00:10:06,912
I sort of failed upwards
career-wise.
193
00:10:06,912 --> 00:10:10,102
Plus I-I was really good-looking
until like two years ago
194
00:10:10,122 --> 00:10:13,350
- when the cirrhosis kicked in.
- You're still good-looking.
195
00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:15,523
I know, but my point is-is,
196
00:10:15,563 --> 00:10:17,723
that I-I pulled out
of the nosedive
197
00:10:17,763 --> 00:10:20,440
before anything
really terrible happened.
198
00:10:22,883 --> 00:10:25,483
So, um, how long
have you been sober for?
199
00:10:25,523 --> 00:10:26,799
Five months.
200
00:10:27,843 --> 00:10:28,904
What?
201
00:10:29,641 --> 00:10:32,739
Five months and one year.
202
00:10:33,173 --> 00:10:35,563
Yeah... uh... one, two,
three, four, five...
203
00:10:35,603 --> 00:10:39,999
Yeah, a-a-a-about one year
and five months. Approx.
204
00:10:43,283 --> 00:10:45,763
- You have cirrhosis, Dave?
- Oh, yeah.
205
00:10:45,803 --> 00:10:47,043
Lose any teeth?
206
00:10:47,303 --> 00:10:49,163
Hell yeah, I lost a tooth.
207
00:10:50,963 --> 00:10:52,843
Couple of others
got quite loose.
208
00:11:04,203 --> 00:11:05,283
Georgia?
209
00:11:12,803 --> 00:11:16,163
Is 30 minutes okay? 'Cause
that makes it an even hundred.
210
00:11:22,683 --> 00:11:24,283
Is there somewhere
I can charge my phone?
211
00:11:29,083 --> 00:11:31,003
This is a bit weird for me.
212
00:11:31,043 --> 00:11:33,843
Not you, you... you're
not weird, you're lovely.
213
00:11:33,883 --> 00:11:35,843
Just the situation is weird.
214
00:11:35,883 --> 00:11:37,403
For me. Um...
215
00:11:42,483 --> 00:11:45,723
- Do you speak English?
- You're handsome, thank God.
216
00:11:45,763 --> 00:11:47,443
Yeah... yeah, yeah... yep.
217
00:11:57,443 --> 00:11:59,243
Right. Here I go.
218
00:12:14,123 --> 00:12:17,843
- Do you want to put them on the chair?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry.
219
00:12:23,883 --> 00:12:25,003
Okay.
220
00:12:27,123 --> 00:12:28,243
Right.
221
00:12:36,843 --> 00:12:38,563
How many knuckles deep?
222
00:12:38,603 --> 00:12:40,763
- How many what?
- It's a joke.
223
00:12:50,483 --> 00:12:51,763
I love it round here.
224
00:12:54,563 --> 00:12:56,253
Um... w-why are we stopping?
225
00:12:56,253 --> 00:13:00,185
This is what we're doing.
I booked us into a cheese workshop.
226
00:13:00,275 --> 00:13:01,813
What do you mean,
a cheese workshop?
227
00:13:02,193 --> 00:13:05,121
A cheese workshop.
We're going to make cheese.
228
00:13:05,174 --> 00:13:07,255
You can't make cheese
in a night.
229
00:13:07,293 --> 00:13:10,123
It takes, like, a year to make a cheese.
You've been hoodwinked.
230
00:13:10,163 --> 00:13:12,993
Well, you don't fully
make your own cheese,
231
00:13:13,033 --> 00:13:16,173
you learn... a, it's like
a cheese-appreciation course.
232
00:13:16,193 --> 00:13:17,763
I already appreciate cheese.
233
00:13:17,803 --> 00:13:21,363
Can you give it a go? I mean,
we do the same thing every year.
234
00:13:21,403 --> 00:13:24,643
We go to a restaurant, you
get drunk, I eat two desserts,
235
00:13:24,643 --> 00:13:26,403
this is different and fun.
236
00:13:28,763 --> 00:13:30,203
Your favorite thing is cheese.
237
00:13:30,203 --> 00:13:31,572
Have you paid for it yet?
238
00:13:32,443 --> 00:13:34,369
- It's free.
- It was...
239
00:13:35,083 --> 00:13:38,923
That was your plan for our
anniversary, a free cheese workshop?
240
00:13:38,963 --> 00:13:41,563
What did you do, throw a
dart at a shit-ideas board?
241
00:13:41,603 --> 00:13:43,863
No, a guy at work
and his nice wife,
242
00:13:43,863 --> 00:13:45,483
who's not an asshole,
did it.
243
00:13:45,523 --> 00:13:48,633
And they said it was fun.
What did you plan?
244
00:13:48,633 --> 00:13:50,708
Nothing, but if I was going to
plan anything,
245
00:13:50,723 --> 00:13:52,243
it would have been better than this.
246
00:13:52,283 --> 00:13:53,403
Let's go.
247
00:13:58,923 --> 00:14:01,163
Let's get some pizza while
we decide on where we eat.
248
00:14:02,723 --> 00:14:04,883
Thank you for a lovely evening.
249
00:14:04,923 --> 00:14:07,403
- And sorry about...
- Oh, it's fine.
250
00:14:07,443 --> 00:14:10,363
I think, Patrick, I want to
just keep things simple for now.
251
00:14:10,403 --> 00:14:11,453
You know, just...
252
00:14:11,473 --> 00:14:14,851
I think maybe there could be
a future for us, in maybe...
253
00:14:14,903 --> 00:14:16,723
four and a half to five years.
254
00:14:16,763 --> 00:14:18,203
You know, when Jeffrey's...
255
00:14:21,683 --> 00:14:24,243
Do you want to wait four
and a half to five years
256
00:14:24,283 --> 00:14:25,443
for something like that?
257
00:14:25,483 --> 00:14:26,843
Well... oh... ah...
258
00:14:26,883 --> 00:14:28,043
Ohh!
259
00:14:28,083 --> 00:14:30,003
- Fran?
- Hey, Fran.
260
00:14:30,043 --> 00:14:31,763
Rob! Patrick,
261
00:14:31,803 --> 00:14:34,803
this is Sharon and Rob.
This is Patrick.
262
00:14:34,843 --> 00:14:38,363
- What are you doing here? Oh!
- Oh, just anniversary dinner.
263
00:14:38,403 --> 00:14:40,923
Well, you picked
a lovely place for it.
264
00:14:40,963 --> 00:14:43,553
Chris and I celebrated our
ten-year anniversary here.
265
00:14:43,573 --> 00:14:44,683
Mm-hmm.
266
00:14:45,163 --> 00:14:48,020
- Try the prosciutto.
- Oh, do they carve it at the table?
267
00:14:48,023 --> 00:14:50,667
Well, we're just going to--
Let's just go in. I'm pretty hungry.
268
00:14:50,683 --> 00:14:52,883
- Well, have a wonderful evening.
- Aww!
269
00:14:52,923 --> 00:14:54,393
- Bye.
- Thank you.
270
00:14:55,043 --> 00:14:56,483
Sharon and Rob.
271
00:14:57,603 --> 00:14:59,243
Shall we...?
272
00:15:02,923 --> 00:15:04,323
Nice place.
273
00:15:04,363 --> 00:15:05,741
It's not mine.
274
00:15:06,093 --> 00:15:07,323
Right.
275
00:15:07,363 --> 00:15:09,163
You're a wild man.
276
00:15:09,203 --> 00:15:11,003
I did not expect.
277
00:15:11,043 --> 00:15:12,203
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
278
00:15:12,203 --> 00:15:13,963
We can try
something else next time.
279
00:15:14,003 --> 00:15:16,683
- Use a bigger vibrator, take a shower...
- No.
280
00:15:16,723 --> 00:15:19,203
I don't think so.
281
00:15:19,243 --> 00:15:22,403
I love this guy.
Do you watch this show?
282
00:15:22,443 --> 00:15:26,083
- Yeah... No, no. I don't.
- He's funny because he's very fat.
283
00:15:27,443 --> 00:15:28,609
Right.
284
00:15:28,673 --> 00:15:32,163
Right, right, well, I'm just
going to get back to, um...
285
00:15:35,803 --> 00:15:37,588
There's the extra 20 for the...
286
00:15:38,263 --> 00:15:39,418
balls thing.
287
00:15:40,443 --> 00:15:42,792
[laughs]
288
00:15:42,843 --> 00:15:45,693
You fat bastard!
289
00:15:48,443 --> 00:15:50,743
Look at them.
They're so sweet.
290
00:15:50,773 --> 00:15:52,203
Why, because they've
the same hairdo?
291
00:15:52,213 --> 00:15:54,163
No, because of how
happy they are.
292
00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:56,803
They're not even talking
to each other.
293
00:15:56,843 --> 00:15:59,883
Because they don't have to.
They're so peaceful.
294
00:15:59,923 --> 00:16:02,403
It's crazy to think they're
going to be 69ing later
295
00:16:02,443 --> 00:16:04,098
front of the fireplace.
296
00:16:05,003 --> 00:16:06,963
No-one 69s any more.
297
00:16:07,003 --> 00:16:10,563
Except... teenagers,
you know, or in pornos.
298
00:16:10,583 --> 00:16:13,643
- People 69.
- Well, if they do, it's just for show.
299
00:16:13,683 --> 00:16:16,403
It's bullshit. You can't give and receive
pleasure at the same time.
300
00:16:16,443 --> 00:16:19,123
You're just going to do
them both badly. You know...
301
00:16:19,163 --> 00:16:21,083
I don't mind giving you
a blow job...
302
00:16:21,123 --> 00:16:22,843
- Really?
- Yeah.
303
00:16:22,883 --> 00:16:24,483
I mean, I know
I don't do it very often,
304
00:16:24,523 --> 00:16:27,123
but if I do it,
I'm going to do it properly.
305
00:16:27,163 --> 00:16:29,013
You know,
I want to be able to breathe.
306
00:16:29,073 --> 00:16:31,093
And I don't want the
only air available to me
307
00:16:31,103 --> 00:16:33,700
to be the air that's
circulating round your asshole,
308
00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:37,342
which is where my nose would
be parked if we were 69ing.
309
00:16:40,343 --> 00:16:42,243
What do you think she's
going to do when he dies?
310
00:16:42,283 --> 00:16:44,643
- Why is he going to die first?
- Men always die first.
311
00:16:44,643 --> 00:16:46,523
Yeah, well we'll see
about that.
312
00:16:46,563 --> 00:16:48,403
I mean, your stress level's
pretty high.
313
00:16:48,403 --> 00:16:52,198
It wouldn't surprise me
if your heart explodes before you turn 60.
314
00:16:52,253 --> 00:16:55,500
Well, I'm going to try
and hold out till I'm 70,
315
00:16:55,543 --> 00:16:57,153
meet the grandkids
and then,
316
00:16:57,183 --> 00:16:59,364
I'm just going
to pull the ripcord.
317
00:16:59,393 --> 00:17:02,532
- What the hell does that mean?
- I've no interest in being old.
318
00:17:02,553 --> 00:17:05,218
When I'm 70, I just want
to be hidden away somewhere,
319
00:17:05,243 --> 00:17:07,643
drinking gin, just smoking
little black cigars.
320
00:17:07,683 --> 00:17:09,483
I don't want
to see any young people.
321
00:17:09,523 --> 00:17:11,203
Sorry, I forgot
to tell you all this.
322
00:17:11,243 --> 00:17:13,283
Fine, you can
rot in the attic
323
00:17:13,323 --> 00:17:16,783
while I live on the floor below
with my new, fun, young wife.
324
00:17:16,843 --> 00:17:19,523
- New, fun, young wife?
- Yeah, she's Chinese.
325
00:17:19,563 --> 00:17:22,362
- You got a problem with that?
- [laughs]
326
00:17:23,723 --> 00:17:25,493
- Have you noticed
something about tonight?
327
00:17:25,503 --> 00:17:26,603
- What?
328
00:17:26,643 --> 00:17:29,643
We don't normally have
fun on our anniversary.
329
00:17:29,683 --> 00:17:31,813
Well, that's because
we didn't end up
330
00:17:31,836 --> 00:17:33,233
sitting in a room
full of cheese.
331
00:17:33,283 --> 00:17:35,923
No, that's the reason I
wanted to do the cheese thing,
332
00:17:35,963 --> 00:17:37,803
so we didn't wind up
sitting across the table
333
00:17:37,843 --> 00:17:39,683
from each other
crying again.
334
00:17:47,043 --> 00:17:50,131
I just think we should change
the date of our anniversary.
335
00:17:50,173 --> 00:17:51,228
- Okay.
- It's not that
336
00:17:51,263 --> 00:17:52,283
our wedding
wasn't wonderful.
337
00:17:52,293 --> 00:17:54,803
It's just too hard to celebrate
when it's also the date
338
00:17:54,843 --> 00:17:57,123
you watched your baby be
born and then nearly die.
339
00:17:57,163 --> 00:17:59,633
And it's not just that. Like,
I became a wreck on that day.
340
00:17:59,693 --> 00:18:01,203
You know, that's why I
was so shit with Muireann.
341
00:18:01,203 --> 00:18:02,883
I was scared to love her
the way I love Frankie.
342
00:18:02,923 --> 00:18:04,963
'Cause I was afraid of
what would happen to her.
343
00:18:05,003 --> 00:18:07,073
- I'm still scared.
- Nothing's going to happen to her.
344
00:18:07,113 --> 00:18:08,483
Yeah, well you say that,
but it doesn't matter,
345
00:18:08,483 --> 00:18:10,243
because I'm a paranoid
mess now.
346
00:18:10,283 --> 00:18:13,563
- You got away lightly.
- You always do this.
347
00:18:13,603 --> 00:18:16,923
You don't have a monopoly
on pain. Look around you.
348
00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:19,283
She's in pain,
they're in pain.
349
00:18:19,323 --> 00:18:22,615
Other people's pain doesn't
make your pain any less awful.
350
00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:24,483
You didn't even
let me hold Frankie
351
00:18:24,523 --> 00:18:26,623
until he was three weeks old.
352
00:18:26,677 --> 00:18:28,843
I went from being a
single asshole in Boston
353
00:18:28,883 --> 00:18:31,603
to a married-to-a-stranger
asshole in London
354
00:18:31,643 --> 00:18:34,043
with a premature baby
in a little see-through
355
00:18:34,083 --> 00:18:37,377
coffin thing hooked up to,
what, 80 tubes?
356
00:18:41,103 --> 00:18:42,229
I'm sorry.
357
00:18:43,072 --> 00:18:45,243
I've got a sticky toffee
pudding and the profiteroles.
358
00:18:45,283 --> 00:18:47,785
- Who's having what?
- They're both for me.
359
00:18:48,483 --> 00:18:51,923
Can I get another
Sauvignon... bottle?
360
00:19:08,883 --> 00:19:10,739
I think I'll get some cheese.
361
00:19:10,773 --> 00:19:12,603
You said you'd been sober
a year.
362
00:19:12,643 --> 00:19:14,083
Yeah, well,
I'm on my way to being.
363
00:19:14,123 --> 00:19:15,843
What you did was called lying.
364
00:19:15,883 --> 00:19:18,163
And liars don't usually
stay sober for very long.
365
00:19:18,203 --> 00:19:20,657
- Oh, bullshit. That's not what this is.
- Yeah, it is.
366
00:19:20,663 --> 00:19:22,523
No. It's because my
tale of redemption isn't
367
00:19:22,563 --> 00:19:25,243
- "inspirational" enough.
- Your tale of redemption?
368
00:19:25,283 --> 00:19:28,903
You practically soaked through
your panties in there with Ash.
369
00:19:28,903 --> 00:19:30,803
You think because I
just destroyed my liver
370
00:19:30,843 --> 00:19:32,563
and didn't live
in a fucking septic tank
371
00:19:32,563 --> 00:19:34,243
I can't be in your
little bad boys' club?
372
00:19:34,283 --> 00:19:36,503
I could have lived
in a septic tank.
373
00:19:36,503 --> 00:19:39,163
Well, you're obviously
not ready for this.
374
00:19:41,083 --> 00:19:43,003
- Or for me.
- Maybe I'm not.
375
00:19:43,043 --> 00:19:44,803
Maybe I should just go
and butt chug
376
00:19:44,843 --> 00:19:47,954
one of Ash's cocaine smoothies
or whatever the fuck.
377
00:19:57,043 --> 00:19:58,615
So, that's it, then, huh?
378
00:19:59,363 --> 00:20:00,454
Is this it?
379
00:20:10,333 --> 00:20:12,923
Let's make our new anniversary
the date we first met.
380
00:20:12,963 --> 00:20:14,923
Okay. Let's do that.
381
00:20:16,003 --> 00:20:17,214
Which was...?
382
00:20:18,523 --> 00:20:20,623
You look so beautiful
in the moonlight.
383
00:20:20,652 --> 00:20:22,650
It's the fucking
5th of March, asshole.
384
00:20:23,163 --> 00:20:27,163
[phone buzzing]
385
00:20:27,203 --> 00:20:28,405
[sighs]
386
00:20:29,843 --> 00:20:30,981
Hello.
387
00:20:31,923 --> 00:20:34,706
- I miss you.
- What do you miss about me?
388
00:20:34,744 --> 00:20:37,063
- Uh, I don't know.
- Oh! Bye, Chris.
389
00:20:37,087 --> 00:20:40,833
- The way you sing in the kitchen.
- You hate my singing.
390
00:20:40,843 --> 00:20:43,186
Yeah, but it's noise,
isn't it? Cuts through the silence.
391
00:20:43,245 --> 00:20:44,645
That's not a reason.
392
00:20:45,523 --> 00:20:47,981
Okay, I miss the way
you make a sandwich.
393
00:20:48,675 --> 00:20:50,363
I miss hearing the creaky
floorboards
394
00:20:50,403 --> 00:20:52,403
when you're walking around
upstairs.
395
00:20:52,443 --> 00:20:53,983
I miss you saying "Ta-da!"
396
00:20:53,983 --> 00:20:56,083
when you take popcorn
out of the microwave.
397
00:20:56,123 --> 00:20:59,403
- Look, I'm sorry you're lonely, Chris.
- I'm not.
398
00:20:59,443 --> 00:21:01,603
Do you know what
my problem is?
399
00:21:01,643 --> 00:21:03,611
You didn't miss me
when I was there.
400
00:21:03,653 --> 00:21:07,243
You didn't miss me enough to reach
a foot and a half across the bed
401
00:21:07,279 --> 00:21:10,483
- and touch my face.
- Fran...
402
00:21:10,523 --> 00:21:12,283
Well, somebody's
touching my face now.
403
00:21:12,323 --> 00:21:17,443
Somebody actually wants to touch
my face, and my breasts, and...
404
00:21:17,483 --> 00:21:19,203
- and my...
- I get it!
405
00:21:23,382 --> 00:21:25,003
- More Riesling?
- Lovely.
406
00:21:27,403 --> 00:21:28,763
It was Chris.
407
00:21:29,923 --> 00:21:34,077
♪♪ [rock]
408
00:21:34,163 --> 00:21:36,563
♪ I was blind
409
00:21:36,603 --> 00:21:38,723
♪ Now I can see
410
00:21:38,763 --> 00:21:41,163
♪♪ [continues]
411
00:21:41,203 --> 00:21:44,952
Siri, I'd like you to call
my good friend Rob Norris.
412
00:21:45,013 --> 00:21:46,963
Just to confirm,
you'd like to call
413
00:21:46,993 --> 00:21:48,363
- Rob Norris?
- Yes.
414
00:21:48,403 --> 00:21:51,323
I need help from Rob Norris.
415
00:21:51,363 --> 00:21:52,963
Calling Rob Norris.
416
00:21:56,613 --> 00:22:00,323
[panting]
417
00:22:00,330 --> 00:22:02,883
- Is this what you wanted?
- Huh?
418
00:22:02,923 --> 00:22:05,203
Uh-huh.
[chuckles]
419
00:22:05,243 --> 00:22:07,523
[baby cries]
420
00:22:07,579 --> 00:22:09,123
Oh, God.
421
00:22:09,163 --> 00:22:10,523
I'd better get her,
'cause...
422
00:22:10,563 --> 00:22:12,663
Well, what about
sleep training?
423
00:22:12,683 --> 00:22:16,083
Yeah, but she's just...
she sounds upset.
424
00:22:16,123 --> 00:22:18,443
Well, I mean, we're either
sleep training or we're not.
425
00:22:18,483 --> 00:22:21,377
I can't have sex
with a baby crying.
426
00:22:25,603 --> 00:22:27,652
Are you covering my ears?
427
00:22:27,673 --> 00:22:30,843
I'm just-- Hold on minute.
I'm just finishing.
428
00:22:31,252 --> 00:22:32,925
[grunting]
429
00:22:33,523 --> 00:22:35,563
[groaning]
430
00:22:35,603 --> 00:22:38,493
[whimpering]
431
00:22:44,323 --> 00:22:46,963
What you just did
is very bad, okay?
432
00:22:47,003 --> 00:22:51,123
Like, that's how a serial killer
might warm up before a spree.
433
00:22:51,163 --> 00:22:54,563
But just listen.
Is she crying any more?
434
00:22:54,603 --> 00:22:56,483
No, she isn't.
435
00:22:56,523 --> 00:22:59,763
That's because her daddy helped
her with her sleep training.
436
00:23:01,123 --> 00:23:02,443
[moans]
437
00:23:04,203 --> 00:23:05,853
[sighs]
438
00:23:05,853 --> 00:23:07,123
[baby cries]
439
00:23:07,163 --> 00:23:09,283
Oh, God.
440
00:23:09,323 --> 00:23:11,323
[crying continues]
441
00:23:18,363 --> 00:23:20,262
♪♪
32557
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