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1
00:00:06,203 --> 00:00:07,763
- Aw, look, she's asleep.
- Yeah.
2
00:00:07,803 --> 00:00:09,563
Look at her.
3
00:00:09,603 --> 00:00:12,203
Look. Look at her.
4
00:00:13,403 --> 00:00:15,443
[chuckling]
5
00:00:17,483 --> 00:00:21,683
[Music box plays
"Frère Jacques"]
6
00:00:23,203 --> 00:00:25,363
Can I have a cuddle now?
7
00:00:25,403 --> 00:00:26,923
Sure.
8
00:00:28,443 --> 00:00:30,843
- Can I have a mouth cuddle?
- Mm-hmm.
9
00:00:33,763 --> 00:00:36,563
[snickering]
10
00:00:36,603 --> 00:00:38,643
What's funny?
11
00:00:38,683 --> 00:00:41,763
No, it's-- it's
the lullaby music-- it's--
12
00:00:41,803 --> 00:00:43,203
Sorry. [laughs]
13
00:00:43,243 --> 00:00:45,443
Do you want me
to put on some Motoörhead?
14
00:00:45,483 --> 00:00:47,203
I mean, tell-- tell me
what you want me to put on
15
00:00:47,243 --> 00:00:49,283
because I'd like
to have sex with you.
16
00:00:49,323 --> 00:00:52,803
Me, too. I just--
Can we do it in the morning?
17
00:00:56,283 --> 00:00:58,403
[sigh]
18
00:00:58,443 --> 00:00:59,723
What's the matter?
19
00:00:59,763 --> 00:01:01,323
Nothing.
20
00:01:01,363 --> 00:01:02,563
No, you know what?
21
00:01:02,603 --> 00:01:05,643
Sexual rain checks
are abusive.
22
00:01:05,683 --> 00:01:07,523
What?
23
00:01:09,083 --> 00:01:11,763
What? I just got
the fucking baby to sleep.
24
00:01:11,803 --> 00:01:14,243
It's just not healthy, the way
that you are with her now.
25
00:01:14,283 --> 00:01:17,043
You know what you remind me
of, the way that you hold her,
26
00:01:17,083 --> 00:01:18,843
the way that you gaze at her?
27
00:01:18,883 --> 00:01:20,643
Gollum.
28
00:01:20,683 --> 00:01:22,003
from Lord Of The Rings?
29
00:01:22,043 --> 00:01:24,083
Andy Smeagol,
the weird CGI man-thing?
30
00:01:24,123 --> 00:01:25,483
Yeah,
I know who Gollum is.
31
00:01:25,523 --> 00:01:26,803
Good, because that's
what I see
32
00:01:26,843 --> 00:01:28,403
- when I look at you now.
- Because?
33
00:01:28,443 --> 00:01:30,323
Because of the way you're
all hunched over her,
34
00:01:30,363 --> 00:01:33,963
like "Don't touch my precious.
Stay away from my precious."
35
00:01:34,003 --> 00:01:36,643
Well, you know, um,
first off,
36
00:01:36,683 --> 00:01:38,243
I thought you were
comparing me to Gollum
37
00:01:38,283 --> 00:01:40,363
because of my sunken eyes,
so now I don't even care.
38
00:01:40,403 --> 00:01:42,083
And secondly, look at you.
39
00:01:42,123 --> 00:01:46,083
You're shouting at your
family with a massive boner.
40
00:01:46,123 --> 00:01:47,923
- Are you proud of yourself?
- I'm not shouting.
41
00:01:47,963 --> 00:01:50,603
Why are you still hard?
42
00:01:50,643 --> 00:01:52,243
[crying]
43
00:01:58,283 --> 00:01:59,563
Fran's seeing someone.
44
00:01:59,603 --> 00:02:01,803
I'm 95% sure.
45
00:02:01,843 --> 00:02:03,003
Why are you so sure?
46
00:02:03,043 --> 00:02:04,403
She told me.
47
00:02:04,443 --> 00:02:05,843
But I figured
there's a 5% chance
48
00:02:05,883 --> 00:02:07,243
she's lying
just to piss me off.
49
00:02:07,283 --> 00:02:08,883
Right.
What are you going to do?
50
00:02:08,923 --> 00:02:10,323
I'm going to wait
until Jeffrey's 18,
51
00:02:10,363 --> 00:02:11,723
then I'm going
to divorce her.
52
00:02:11,763 --> 00:02:13,283
Let Fran fuck
her new lover boy
53
00:02:13,323 --> 00:02:15,243
and I can fuck
whoever I want to fuck.
54
00:02:15,283 --> 00:02:16,843
Or hug,
for Christ's sake.
55
00:02:16,883 --> 00:02:19,403
I'd settle for a hug.
I would.
56
00:02:19,443 --> 00:02:21,083
I'll hug you.
57
00:02:21,123 --> 00:02:22,603
Come on, then.
58
00:02:25,923 --> 00:02:29,003
I'm serious, you know.
You only get one shot at life,
59
00:02:29,043 --> 00:02:31,483
and then you end up
in a ditch or an urn.
60
00:02:31,523 --> 00:02:33,683
I don't want to have
any regrets.
61
00:02:36,163 --> 00:02:38,203
Sometimes...
62
00:02:38,243 --> 00:02:40,483
And I've had this feeling
for a number of years
63
00:02:40,523 --> 00:02:41,883
and never acted on it,
64
00:02:41,923 --> 00:02:43,683
but sometimes
I find myself thinking
65
00:02:43,723 --> 00:02:45,483
that I'd like to have
sexual intercourse
66
00:02:45,523 --> 00:02:47,203
with women who have penises.
67
00:02:48,603 --> 00:02:49,683
Right.
68
00:02:49,723 --> 00:02:51,643
Where she plays
with my penis
69
00:02:51,683 --> 00:02:53,363
and I play with hers,
sexually, in a bed.
70
00:02:53,403 --> 00:02:55,643
Okay.
71
00:02:55,683 --> 00:02:57,283
"Okay" okay?
72
00:02:57,323 --> 00:02:58,523
Yeah. Okay.
73
00:02:58,563 --> 00:03:00,683
You're separated
from your wife.
74
00:03:00,723 --> 00:03:03,603
You're 95% sure she's
fucking somebody else.
75
00:03:03,643 --> 00:03:06,123
If you want to do a consensual
thing with another adult
76
00:03:06,163 --> 00:03:09,203
that makes you happy or jizz,
then you should do it.
77
00:03:09,243 --> 00:03:10,683
It's not a gay thing.
Don't think
it's a gay thing.
78
00:03:10,723 --> 00:03:12,203
- Who cares?
- I do.
79
00:03:12,243 --> 00:03:14,603
Okay, then it's not
a gay thing.
80
00:03:17,563 --> 00:03:19,163
Want to share a burrata?
81
00:03:19,203 --> 00:03:20,723
Yeah.
82
00:03:20,763 --> 00:03:22,843
Look at her. She's gorgeous.
83
00:03:22,883 --> 00:03:26,643
Babies
get so much attention!
84
00:03:26,683 --> 00:03:29,123
It's nice, isn't it?
For the mums.
85
00:03:30,323 --> 00:03:31,683
It's funny,
86
00:03:31,723 --> 00:03:33,203
but with all Jeffrey's
film, TV work,
87
00:03:33,243 --> 00:03:35,083
that's never really
stopped for us.
88
00:03:35,123 --> 00:03:36,883
Right. Where is Jeffrey?
89
00:03:36,923 --> 00:03:38,723
He's, uh,
90
00:03:38,763 --> 00:03:40,803
he's having some acupuncture
done in his trailer.
91
00:03:40,843 --> 00:03:43,403
Bradley Cooper won't make
eye contact with anyone,
92
00:03:43,443 --> 00:03:45,003
so he was getting
a little bit anxious.
93
00:03:46,923 --> 00:03:50,163
Hello, there, Mi...
94
00:03:50,203 --> 00:03:51,563
Mu...
95
00:03:51,603 --> 00:03:53,043
How do you say her name again?
96
00:03:53,083 --> 00:03:54,563
"Mweren."
97
00:03:55,923 --> 00:03:57,243
It's all
character-building stuff,
98
00:03:57,283 --> 00:03:58,403
isn't it, a tricky name?
99
00:03:58,443 --> 00:03:59,403
I wouldn't worry about it.
100
00:03:59,443 --> 00:04:00,523
I'm not.
101
00:04:00,563 --> 00:04:02,043
How's Rob?
102
00:04:02,083 --> 00:04:04,323
How's Rob? He's, uh...
103
00:04:04,363 --> 00:04:07,283
selfish, horny,
good with the kids.
104
00:04:07,323 --> 00:04:11,283
That must be nice,
having a horny husband.
105
00:04:11,323 --> 00:04:13,163
For the last year,
every night I went to bed,
106
00:04:13,203 --> 00:04:15,203
Chris pretended to be asleep.
107
00:04:15,243 --> 00:04:18,523
Snores, sleepy little
fidgets, the odd fart.
108
00:04:18,563 --> 00:04:21,483
It bothered me at first, but
then something inside me died,
109
00:04:21,523 --> 00:04:23,563
and I just stopped caring.
110
00:04:23,603 --> 00:04:25,003
I mean, I'm not saying
111
00:04:25,043 --> 00:04:26,923
that you should have sex
with Rob against your will,
112
00:04:26,963 --> 00:04:28,483
but if you care
about your marriage,
113
00:04:28,523 --> 00:04:29,883
you definitely should.
114
00:04:30,843 --> 00:04:32,403
I've taken a lover.
115
00:04:33,763 --> 00:04:35,403
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
116
00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:37,323
So, that's-- I mean,
what are you going to--
117
00:04:37,363 --> 00:04:38,883
Well, when Jeffrey
goes to university,
118
00:04:38,923 --> 00:04:40,363
we're getting a divorce.
119
00:04:45,803 --> 00:04:49,483
Five years.
Just five more years.
120
00:04:56,763 --> 00:04:57,883
Hello, nice lady.
121
00:04:57,923 --> 00:04:59,003
We need to have sex,
122
00:04:59,043 --> 00:05:00,403
but, like, good sex.
123
00:05:00,443 --> 00:05:02,123
- Okay.
- I've been thinking about it,
124
00:05:02,163 --> 00:05:03,723
and the fact is we're
gonna have a relationship
125
00:05:03,763 --> 00:05:05,323
with each other until we
die because of the kids,
126
00:05:05,363 --> 00:05:06,443
and it can be good,
or it could be shit,
127
00:05:06,483 --> 00:05:07,603
but that's up to us.
128
00:05:07,643 --> 00:05:09,003
I'm so glad you said that.
129
00:05:09,043 --> 00:05:10,763
I saw a couple
groping each other
130
00:05:10,803 --> 00:05:12,243
on the Tube this morning,
131
00:05:12,283 --> 00:05:14,323
- and I got so sad.
- I know.
132
00:05:14,363 --> 00:05:16,123
I watched that episode
of Game Of Thronesagain,
133
00:05:16,163 --> 00:05:18,243
where Jaime fucks Cersei
beside Joffrey's dead body,
134
00:05:18,283 --> 00:05:20,403
and even that made me sad.
They were so passionate,
135
00:05:20,443 --> 00:05:21,843
and they'd been together
years.
136
00:05:27,163 --> 00:05:30,203
Uh, it's--
it's not getting hard.
137
00:05:30,243 --> 00:05:32,043
I don't know.
138
00:05:32,083 --> 00:05:33,963
I mean, I haven't jerked off
in, like, three days.
139
00:05:34,003 --> 00:05:35,723
What'd you jerk off to
three days ago?
140
00:05:35,763 --> 00:05:38,643
A butt. A butt that I saw.
141
00:05:38,683 --> 00:05:40,283
[grunt]
142
00:05:42,123 --> 00:05:43,443
[groan]
143
00:05:45,323 --> 00:05:46,963
Are we sexually
incompatible now?
144
00:05:47,003 --> 00:05:49,963
No, we're just stressed
and tired.
145
00:05:50,003 --> 00:05:51,363
Okay.
146
00:05:51,403 --> 00:05:53,043
Because
I still fancy you.
147
00:05:53,083 --> 00:05:54,923
I very fancy you.
148
00:05:56,923 --> 00:05:58,043
Oh, hey, look.
149
00:05:58,083 --> 00:05:59,723
Something's happening
down there.
150
00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:04,083
It's not.
151
00:06:04,123 --> 00:06:06,043
I mean, I can't sit on that.
152
00:06:07,123 --> 00:06:08,403
Well, listen, let's--
153
00:06:08,443 --> 00:06:10,203
let's go away
for the weekend.
154
00:06:10,243 --> 00:06:11,963
Let's go to Paris
or somewhere.
155
00:06:12,003 --> 00:06:13,003
I'll get us a nice hotel.
156
00:06:13,043 --> 00:06:14,923
We can eat steak tartare
in bed,
157
00:06:14,963 --> 00:06:17,003
and I can go down on you
from behind
158
00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:19,603
in a big hotel shower,
like we used to do.
159
00:06:19,643 --> 00:06:21,723
Or, if we're too tired
because we're old,
160
00:06:21,763 --> 00:06:23,123
we can just hold hands
161
00:06:23,163 --> 00:06:24,803
and look out the window
at the Eiffel Tower.
162
00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:26,163
Does that sound nice?
163
00:06:26,203 --> 00:06:29,323
- Quite nice, yeah.
- [Muireann cries]
164
00:06:29,363 --> 00:06:32,243
Uh, what about them?
165
00:06:32,283 --> 00:06:33,683
They're not invited.
166
00:06:33,723 --> 00:06:37,283
[crying continues]
167
00:06:39,003 --> 00:06:40,883
Oh, shit,
is that this weekend?
168
00:06:40,923 --> 00:06:43,043
- Yes.
- I'm just messing.
169
00:06:43,083 --> 00:06:44,563
How much would that suck?
170
00:06:44,603 --> 00:06:46,243
Why are you always at home?
Don't you work?
171
00:06:46,283 --> 00:06:47,603
All I need to work
is a laptop,
172
00:06:47,643 --> 00:06:48,843
a phone, and this.
173
00:06:48,883 --> 00:06:50,043
What, a shit hairdo?
174
00:06:50,083 --> 00:06:51,163
- I only want the boy.
- Too bad.
175
00:06:51,203 --> 00:06:53,563
- You're going to Paris?
- Yeah.
176
00:06:53,603 --> 00:06:56,163
Oh, that'll be nice for you.
A bit of culture for the Yank.
177
00:06:56,203 --> 00:06:58,483
Actually, I did my junior
year at college there.
178
00:06:58,523 --> 00:06:59,523
Really?
179
00:06:59,563 --> 00:07:00,763
Moi aussi.
180
00:07:00,803 --> 00:07:02,123
Tu parle français?
181
00:07:02,163 --> 00:07:03,243
- Jesus.
- Oui.
182
00:07:03,283 --> 00:07:04,563
En fait,
je parles français.
183
00:07:04,603 --> 00:07:06,083
- Ooh, "en fait"?
- Yeah.
184
00:07:18,563 --> 00:07:20,323
Ah, fuck off!
185
00:07:20,363 --> 00:07:21,803
This isn't the end of this.
186
00:07:21,843 --> 00:07:23,803
Thanks for looking
after the kids.
187
00:07:23,843 --> 00:07:26,123
- We owe you one.
- Not at all. My pleasure.
188
00:07:26,163 --> 00:07:28,683
Actually, I wanted to talk
to you about something.
189
00:07:28,723 --> 00:07:30,883
I need, um...
190
00:07:30,923 --> 00:07:32,123
a short-term loan.
191
00:07:32,163 --> 00:07:34,003
I'll have it back to you
in four weeks,
192
00:07:34,043 --> 00:07:35,403
five at the most. Really.
193
00:07:35,443 --> 00:07:36,563
It's a business opportunity,
really.
194
00:07:36,603 --> 00:07:37,723
Okay, uh...
How much are we--
195
00:07:37,763 --> 00:07:40,363
Just 10 grand.
15 if you want.
196
00:07:40,403 --> 00:07:42,123
Yeah,
I think I want to help,
197
00:07:42,163 --> 00:07:43,883
but I'll have to talk
to Sharon.
198
00:07:43,923 --> 00:07:45,963
You can't tell Sharon.
She'll only worry about me.
199
00:07:46,003 --> 00:07:48,603
And it would literally be,
you know, five weeks, six tops!
200
00:07:48,643 --> 00:07:49,643
[giggling]
201
00:07:49,683 --> 00:07:51,603
So keep my kids alive.
202
00:07:51,643 --> 00:07:53,403
It'll reflect
very badly on you
203
00:07:53,443 --> 00:07:54,683
if anything happens to them,
plus I'll kill you.
204
00:07:54,723 --> 00:07:55,803
Also, thank you.
205
00:07:55,843 --> 00:07:57,643
- Bye-bye-bye.
- Bye, Mummy.
206
00:07:57,683 --> 00:08:00,563
Bye. Bye, Muireann.
Bye-bye-bye.
207
00:08:00,603 --> 00:08:02,563
I love you. Bye. Thank you,
thank you, thank you!
208
00:08:10,083 --> 00:08:12,643
[laughing]
209
00:08:12,683 --> 00:08:14,763
Are you fucking kidding me?
210
00:08:14,803 --> 00:08:16,483
Yeah, I am.
211
00:08:16,523 --> 00:08:20,443
This joke cost me £12.
I'm glad it worked.
212
00:08:20,483 --> 00:08:22,963
- [clatter]
- Desolé.
213
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:25,883
I already know I'm going
to be more attracted
to you in France.
214
00:08:25,923 --> 00:08:27,883
I'm going to order a tiny
bottle of champagne.
215
00:08:27,923 --> 00:08:29,643
I'm going to order
three baguettes.
216
00:08:29,683 --> 00:08:31,643
Aw!
217
00:08:31,683 --> 00:08:33,203
I'm going to go grab
my beret.
218
00:08:33,243 --> 00:08:34,563
Sure. [laughing]
219
00:08:39,963 --> 00:08:42,363
[announcement in French]
220
00:08:49,803 --> 00:08:52,523
- Do you like it?
- I love it.
221
00:08:52,563 --> 00:08:54,283
I had it completely
refurbished for you.
222
00:08:54,323 --> 00:08:55,723
Thank you.
223
00:08:55,763 --> 00:08:57,283
Is this the hotel
Johnny Depp stays in?
224
00:08:57,323 --> 00:08:59,123
You know it is. Why do you
keep asking me that?
225
00:08:59,163 --> 00:09:01,043
Because it's fun.
226
00:09:01,083 --> 00:09:03,243
Let's go straight up to the
room. I need to freshen up.
227
00:09:03,283 --> 00:09:04,923
I don't want Johnny
to see me like this.
228
00:09:10,443 --> 00:09:12,963
I think I'm going to have
to pump before we go.
229
00:09:13,003 --> 00:09:15,203
I see that French baby
downstairs,
230
00:09:15,243 --> 00:09:18,643
my tits just immediately
balloon with milk.
231
00:09:18,683 --> 00:09:21,123
- Have you seen the pump?
- No, where'd you pack it?
232
00:09:21,163 --> 00:09:22,843
If I knew that, I wouldn't
be asking you, would I?
233
00:09:26,683 --> 00:09:28,123
Oh, fuck.
234
00:09:29,323 --> 00:09:30,923
I forgot the pump.
235
00:09:34,083 --> 00:09:35,843
Oh, shit.
236
00:09:35,883 --> 00:09:38,443
Did the handjob not work?
237
00:09:38,483 --> 00:09:40,603
No, it did but the left
one's already full again.
238
00:09:40,643 --> 00:09:43,723
Well, do you want me to,
you know...
239
00:09:43,763 --> 00:09:45,843
- What?
- Suck the milk?
240
00:09:45,883 --> 00:09:47,803
I'll suck the milk out.
I don't mind doing it.
241
00:09:47,843 --> 00:09:49,443
I mind!
242
00:09:49,483 --> 00:09:51,643
I didn't come to Paris
to nurse my giant husband.
243
00:09:51,683 --> 00:09:53,643
Well, it looks like we've
got our signals crossed
244
00:09:53,683 --> 00:09:55,403
- because I specifically--
- [laughing]
245
00:09:55,443 --> 00:09:57,723
What? At least I won't
shit myself while I do it.
246
00:09:57,763 --> 00:09:59,243
Muireann does that
because she's relaxed.
247
00:09:59,283 --> 00:10:01,483
She's like, "Oh,
this is so--" [raspberry]
248
00:10:01,523 --> 00:10:02,723
Yeah, I'm relaxed, too,
249
00:10:02,763 --> 00:10:04,443
but I know how
to keep my asshole closed
250
00:10:04,483 --> 00:10:06,443
- when I'm sucking a titty.
- [laugh]
251
00:10:11,243 --> 00:10:13,083
Will you ask in your French?
252
00:10:13,123 --> 00:10:16,043
Oh, Christ. Did you not
take French in school?
253
00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:18,763
- No. I did German.
- Really?
254
00:10:18,803 --> 00:10:20,123
Say something to me
in German.
255
00:10:20,163 --> 00:10:21,163
[scoff]
256
00:10:22,843 --> 00:10:24,083
No.
257
00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:25,043
Huh.
258
00:10:26,283 --> 00:10:28,083
- Bonjour.
- Bonjour.
259
00:10:33,123 --> 00:10:35,163
No. Uh... uh...
260
00:10:42,603 --> 00:10:43,643
No, no.
261
00:10:50,163 --> 00:10:52,043
Un instance, Monsieur.
Excusez-moi.
262
00:10:52,083 --> 00:10:53,963
Has she got any?
263
00:10:54,003 --> 00:10:55,523
I don't know. She's--
She's asking her friend.
264
00:10:55,563 --> 00:10:58,083
She doesn't seem to
understand my question.
265
00:10:58,123 --> 00:10:59,923
I'm going to get mastitis.
Oh, my God.
266
00:10:59,963 --> 00:11:01,363
I'm going to have
to get antibiotics
267
00:11:01,403 --> 00:11:02,483
from a French hospital.
268
00:11:08,403 --> 00:11:09,603
What? What'd she say?
269
00:11:09,643 --> 00:11:11,523
Look,
nous avons besoin de--
270
00:11:11,563 --> 00:11:12,843
Tell her my tits
are rock solid.
271
00:11:12,883 --> 00:11:14,203
...de lait de ma femme.
272
00:11:14,243 --> 00:11:15,523
You know what's
going to come out
273
00:11:15,563 --> 00:11:17,083
next time I breast-feed?
Not milk.
274
00:11:17,123 --> 00:11:19,003
Blood and pus.
275
00:11:22,243 --> 00:11:24,883
I know what chienne
and psychopathemean.
276
00:11:24,923 --> 00:11:26,883
Well, yeah,
I was talking to her.
277
00:11:26,923 --> 00:11:28,963
I was telling this...
fucking psychopath
278
00:11:29,003 --> 00:11:31,243
that if she doesn't help me
get the milk out of my wife,
279
00:11:31,283 --> 00:11:32,683
then I don't know
what I'm going to do.
280
00:11:33,563 --> 00:11:35,763
Oh, okay.
281
00:11:37,963 --> 00:11:39,523
Alors...
282
00:11:44,163 --> 00:11:46,083
Right.
283
00:11:46,123 --> 00:11:47,483
I'm just going to... okay?
284
00:11:47,523 --> 00:11:49,963
Order me the Frenchiest
thing on the menu.
285
00:11:50,003 --> 00:11:52,203
Okay. So like a cigarette
stabbed through a baguette?
286
00:11:52,243 --> 00:11:53,163
[laughing]
287
00:11:54,443 --> 00:11:56,403
- [phone jangles]
- Merci.
288
00:11:58,363 --> 00:11:59,883
Hey, man. What's up?
289
00:11:59,923 --> 00:12:01,203
- Are you in Paris?
- Yep.
290
00:12:01,243 --> 00:12:02,723
Is it still a shithole?
291
00:12:02,763 --> 00:12:04,363
- No, it's, uh--
- Listen,
292
00:12:04,403 --> 00:12:05,763
I just wanted to say
I'm paranoid
293
00:12:05,803 --> 00:12:07,563
about what we talked
about the other day,
294
00:12:07,603 --> 00:12:09,483
and it's between
you and me.
295
00:12:09,523 --> 00:12:12,403
- You can't tell Sharon.
- Absolutely, I wouldn't--
296
00:12:12,443 --> 00:12:14,523
Good. I'm, uh, ahem,
297
00:12:14,563 --> 00:12:17,123
just about to head
into the cinema,
so I've got to go.
298
00:12:17,163 --> 00:12:19,403
All right, man.
Well, I'll talk--
299
00:12:19,443 --> 00:12:21,203
God.
300
00:12:21,243 --> 00:12:23,283
It needs bloody batteries.
301
00:12:23,323 --> 00:12:25,443
Let's just eat and we'll
just get some on the way
302
00:12:25,483 --> 00:12:28,763
[pained] home.
Ow. God, they're so sore.
303
00:12:28,803 --> 00:12:30,043
Who was that on the phone?
304
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:33,163
Is everything okay
with the babies? Ow.
305
00:12:44,523 --> 00:12:46,243
Stop watching me drinking.
306
00:12:46,283 --> 00:12:48,763
So just stop looking at you?
307
00:12:51,643 --> 00:12:53,483
Aw. I'm not sure
308
00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:55,203
I'm ever going to get
used to having a husband
309
00:12:55,243 --> 00:12:58,523
who I can't share
just a lovely glass
of lovely wine with.
310
00:12:58,563 --> 00:13:01,563
It's really hard,
you know, for me.
311
00:13:01,603 --> 00:13:04,323
My fantasy was always
that when I get to 60,
312
00:13:04,363 --> 00:13:05,643
I'd have loads of money
313
00:13:05,683 --> 00:13:07,283
and I could hire a bodyguard
314
00:13:07,323 --> 00:13:08,483
to protect other people
from me
315
00:13:08,523 --> 00:13:09,883
and a driver
so that I could drink
316
00:13:09,923 --> 00:13:11,083
the way that I wanted to.
317
00:13:11,123 --> 00:13:12,763
What?
318
00:13:12,803 --> 00:13:14,203
So you're going
to start drinking again?
319
00:13:14,243 --> 00:13:15,923
No, I just thought
it might be something
320
00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:17,763
I might try again
in the future.
321
00:13:17,803 --> 00:13:19,483
Why are you even thinking
about drinking?
322
00:13:19,523 --> 00:13:20,843
- I'm not.
- Yes, you are!
323
00:13:20,883 --> 00:13:21,923
You just were.
324
00:13:21,963 --> 00:13:24,003
Okay. Uh, here's a reason.
325
00:13:24,043 --> 00:13:26,283
I might slightly fit in
with your family
326
00:13:26,323 --> 00:13:29,203
if I was splashing around
in my own trough of Guinness.
327
00:13:29,243 --> 00:13:30,723
What?
328
00:13:30,763 --> 00:13:33,203
That's so anti-Irish.
329
00:13:33,243 --> 00:13:34,683
Look, I wasn't--
330
00:13:34,723 --> 00:13:36,283
Forget the whole thing,
okay?
331
00:13:36,323 --> 00:13:38,363
I love your family.
I love Ireland.
332
00:13:38,403 --> 00:13:40,043
And sometimes
I think about drinking.
333
00:13:40,083 --> 00:13:42,323
- That's fucked up.
- It's not fucked up.
334
00:13:42,363 --> 00:13:44,763
- It is!
- I don't drink. You do.
335
00:13:44,803 --> 00:13:46,963
One could argue that you've
had too many tonight.
336
00:13:47,003 --> 00:13:48,203
Oh, could one?
337
00:13:48,243 --> 00:13:49,563
You know,
I'd love to fight with you,
338
00:13:49,603 --> 00:13:51,443
but everybody else might
not want their dinner
339
00:13:51,483 --> 00:13:53,283
- ruined by our bullshit.
- Right.
340
00:13:53,323 --> 00:13:56,083
We're fighting because
he's an alcoholic.
341
00:13:56,123 --> 00:13:58,483
I'm going to the toilet.
342
00:14:00,163 --> 00:14:01,523
Also, he hates Irish people.
343
00:14:01,563 --> 00:14:04,523
I mean, I'm his wife for
some reason, so that--
344
00:14:04,563 --> 00:14:06,483
Is anyone even
listening to me?
345
00:14:06,523 --> 00:14:08,883
Anyway, just get
your head together.
346
00:14:08,923 --> 00:14:11,323
Okay? And have a long,
hard think about yourself.
347
00:14:11,363 --> 00:14:12,843
I mean, married to a drunk.
348
00:14:12,883 --> 00:14:14,323
[glass shatters]
349
00:14:15,963 --> 00:14:16,923
Pardon.
350
00:14:18,283 --> 00:14:20,043
My tits hurt.
351
00:14:20,083 --> 00:14:21,963
Get over here.
352
00:14:31,363 --> 00:14:34,083
They hate us here. We're scum.
353
00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:36,803
No, they don't. French people
get high off of this shit.
354
00:14:36,843 --> 00:14:38,443
Fighting into kissing?
355
00:14:38,483 --> 00:14:40,963
We just performed a live
Fellini film for them.
356
00:14:41,003 --> 00:14:42,963
- Fellini's Italian.
- Good for him.
357
00:14:43,003 --> 00:14:44,723
Do you want to go
back to the hotel?
358
00:14:44,763 --> 00:14:46,443
Yeah.
359
00:14:46,483 --> 00:14:48,163
Oh, let's go to that bar
we passed
360
00:14:48,203 --> 00:14:49,923
with all the dodgy guys
out the front first.
361
00:14:49,963 --> 00:14:51,443
Why?
362
00:14:51,483 --> 00:14:53,203
Because I want
to get a little--
363
00:14:55,403 --> 00:14:57,443
- Weed.
- Yeah, I got it.
364
00:14:57,483 --> 00:15:00,083
[laughing]
365
00:15:16,323 --> 00:15:19,523
Amaretto on the rocks.
366
00:15:19,563 --> 00:15:20,763
Hey.
367
00:15:22,163 --> 00:15:23,883
Kenneth?
368
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:24,843
No.
369
00:15:34,843 --> 00:15:36,043
Kenneth?
370
00:15:36,083 --> 00:15:37,563
[toilet flushes]
371
00:15:50,923 --> 00:15:52,763
Rob...
372
00:15:52,803 --> 00:15:54,443
you sure you don't
want some of this?
373
00:15:54,483 --> 00:15:56,123
Yeah. I'm sure I don't want
374
00:15:56,163 --> 00:15:58,523
any of your stinky
French weed.
375
00:15:58,563 --> 00:16:00,683
And if we get kicked
out of this hotel
376
00:16:00,723 --> 00:16:02,243
- because of the smell--
- As if they'd give a shit
377
00:16:02,283 --> 00:16:03,883
about a bit of weed
in this hotel.
378
00:16:03,923 --> 00:16:05,963
Johnny Depp is
a habitual weed smoker.
379
00:16:06,003 --> 00:16:07,723
They c-can't have one rule
for Johnny Depp
380
00:16:07,763 --> 00:16:08,923
and one rule for me.
381
00:16:08,963 --> 00:16:10,523
I'm pretty sure they can.
382
00:16:17,923 --> 00:16:20,283
[pumping]
383
00:16:21,403 --> 00:16:23,243
You're pumping while high?
384
00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:25,043
Yeah. Why wouldn't I?
385
00:16:25,083 --> 00:16:26,243
I mean,
it's the best time to--
386
00:16:26,283 --> 00:16:27,203
Oh, sh--
387
00:16:28,323 --> 00:16:29,323
Ow.
388
00:16:31,523 --> 00:16:32,643
Man: Chris!
389
00:16:33,803 --> 00:16:34,763
Chris!
390
00:16:35,883 --> 00:16:37,643
- Dave.
- Hey.
391
00:16:37,683 --> 00:16:38,843
Shit, man.
I didn't see you there.
392
00:16:38,883 --> 00:16:40,083
What's, uh, what's up?
393
00:16:40,123 --> 00:16:41,803
Ah, just a bit
of midnight yoga.
394
00:16:41,843 --> 00:16:43,243
Ah, this is Catherine,
395
00:16:43,283 --> 00:16:45,003
my extraordinarily
beautiful girlfriend.
396
00:16:45,043 --> 00:16:46,603
- Hi.
- Hi.
397
00:16:46,643 --> 00:16:48,723
Street meat? I don't know
what animal it is,
398
00:16:48,763 --> 00:16:50,243
- but it tastes
fucking brilliant.
- No, thank you.
399
00:16:50,283 --> 00:16:51,643
So what are you
doing here?
400
00:16:51,683 --> 00:16:53,243
Looking for a bit
of cock-a-doodle-doo?
401
00:16:53,283 --> 00:16:55,283
What? No.
402
00:16:55,323 --> 00:16:58,163
I'm j-- I'm just messing
with you, man.
403
00:16:58,203 --> 00:17:00,563
Y-You wouldn't know it,
but that door is actually
404
00:17:00,603 --> 00:17:03,123
one of the biggest cock
meat markets in London.
405
00:17:03,163 --> 00:17:06,643
[chuckle] Right.
Got you. Good to know.
406
00:17:06,683 --> 00:17:10,043
No, I was just walking
home from a movie.
407
00:17:10,083 --> 00:17:12,283
Oh, cool. What did you see?
408
00:17:12,323 --> 00:17:14,163
Adam Sandler's
Fart Vacation.
409
00:17:22,163 --> 00:17:23,563
I swear to God,
I think I've broken a rib.
410
00:17:23,603 --> 00:17:25,723
It's just every time
I try and breathe, I--
411
00:17:27,203 --> 00:17:28,843
I just feel like I can't
take proper breaths.
412
00:17:28,883 --> 00:17:30,563
Sounds sore, honey.
413
00:17:31,683 --> 00:17:33,883
[knock on door]
414
00:17:33,923 --> 00:17:35,883
If it's to clean the room,
will you--
415
00:17:35,923 --> 00:17:37,763
ow-- will you tell them
to come back later?
416
00:17:40,163 --> 00:17:42,363
[door opens]
417
00:17:42,403 --> 00:17:45,163
I forgot. I booked us
a joint massage.
418
00:17:45,203 --> 00:17:46,403
What?
419
00:17:46,443 --> 00:17:49,483
Oh, God, this is terrible.
420
00:17:49,523 --> 00:17:51,363
Can you tell them
I've broken my rib?
421
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:52,843
Don't tell them how it
happened, though.
422
00:17:52,883 --> 00:17:53,883
Uh...
423
00:18:01,963 --> 00:18:04,523
- Oui.
- Merci.
424
00:18:04,563 --> 00:18:06,483
Did you tell them
we think it's broken?
425
00:18:06,523 --> 00:18:08,843
- Yeah.
- Okay.
426
00:18:08,883 --> 00:18:10,003
Ow...
427
00:18:11,923 --> 00:18:13,963
[sobbing]
428
00:18:18,563 --> 00:18:20,123
Bon. Tournez-vous,
s'il vous plaît.
429
00:18:20,163 --> 00:18:22,523
I did German.
430
00:18:22,563 --> 00:18:24,363
Tournez-vous. Allez.Up.
[whistles]
431
00:18:24,403 --> 00:18:25,723
Comme ça.
432
00:18:25,763 --> 00:18:28,403
- [speaking French]
- Okay, okay.
433
00:18:35,003 --> 00:18:37,003
That's better.
434
00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:55,083
What?
435
00:18:57,523 --> 00:18:58,923
- [snoring]
- Rob?
436
00:19:02,483 --> 00:19:03,923
[grunt]
437
00:19:07,643 --> 00:19:09,483
Sharon: I think
I've been assaulted.
438
00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:10,523
What?
439
00:19:10,563 --> 00:19:12,043
The man massaged my tits.
440
00:19:12,083 --> 00:19:13,043
What man?
441
00:19:13,083 --> 00:19:15,163
What man? The massager.
442
00:19:15,203 --> 00:19:16,603
He massaged my tits.
443
00:19:16,643 --> 00:19:19,323
What did you do?
Did you ask him to stop?
444
00:19:19,363 --> 00:19:21,123
No, I didn't. He w--
445
00:19:21,163 --> 00:19:23,483
It's Paris. You were asleep.
446
00:19:23,523 --> 00:19:26,163
What do you want me to do?
Do you want me to complain?
447
00:19:28,163 --> 00:19:29,723
I tipped him.
448
00:19:30,803 --> 00:19:32,843
You were asleep!
449
00:19:32,883 --> 00:19:35,123
I had to pay them.
You know, you have to tip.
450
00:19:35,163 --> 00:19:37,083
It's Paris!
451
00:19:37,123 --> 00:19:38,763
I don't know
what you ordered.
452
00:19:38,803 --> 00:19:40,843
Well, I didn't order that.
453
00:19:40,883 --> 00:19:43,003
I'm not sure we can
complain if you tipped him.
454
00:19:45,203 --> 00:19:46,883
Do you want to go
to the Pompidou Centre?
455
00:19:48,603 --> 00:19:50,123
Yeah, all right.
456
00:19:51,923 --> 00:19:52,883
[groan]
457
00:19:55,603 --> 00:19:57,203
You having a nice time?
458
00:19:57,243 --> 00:19:58,883
Not really.
459
00:19:58,923 --> 00:20:00,883
I don't think
we're holiday people.
460
00:20:00,923 --> 00:20:02,003
How do you mean?
461
00:20:02,043 --> 00:20:03,643
Well, I just--
462
00:20:03,683 --> 00:20:06,323
I think we're good
on a Tuesday, you know?
463
00:20:06,363 --> 00:20:08,003
When it's raining.
464
00:20:08,043 --> 00:20:10,243
Like, my favorite time
in the last year
465
00:20:10,283 --> 00:20:12,883
was when we pretended my arms
didn't work, remember?
466
00:20:12,923 --> 00:20:15,443
And you washed my hair and
put that weird outfit on me.
467
00:20:15,483 --> 00:20:18,603
Oh, my God.
Yeah, that was the best.
468
00:20:18,643 --> 00:20:20,083
Do you think it's bad
we haven't had sex
469
00:20:20,123 --> 00:20:21,283
even though we're in Paris?
470
00:20:21,323 --> 00:20:23,163
I'm not saying this
to upset you,
471
00:20:23,203 --> 00:20:25,163
but I've had plenty
of sex in Paris
472
00:20:25,203 --> 00:20:27,803
and it's not special
to have sex in Paris.
473
00:20:27,843 --> 00:20:30,723
Fuck Paris. Is the food
here that good?
474
00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:32,723
I mean, we've only eaten
cheese, if you think about it.
475
00:20:32,763 --> 00:20:34,523
I'm going to take a
shit in, like, February.
476
00:20:38,083 --> 00:20:39,683
You know
Fran's taken a lover?
477
00:20:39,723 --> 00:20:40,923
Yep.
478
00:20:40,963 --> 00:20:43,003
Poor Chris.
479
00:20:43,043 --> 00:20:45,323
I think he'll be okay.
480
00:20:45,363 --> 00:20:48,123
So just, you know--
481
00:20:48,163 --> 00:20:49,203
Just what?
482
00:20:49,243 --> 00:20:50,883
Just, you know, don't...
483
00:20:50,923 --> 00:20:52,843
Even though we're not
having tons of sex,
484
00:20:52,883 --> 00:20:54,403
don't take a lover, okay?
485
00:20:54,443 --> 00:20:56,163
Well, I don't want
to take a lover, but--
486
00:20:56,203 --> 00:20:57,363
Seriously,
if you take a lover,
487
00:20:57,403 --> 00:20:58,843
I will fucking
take a lover,
488
00:20:58,883 --> 00:21:00,403
whether I want one
or not.
489
00:21:00,443 --> 00:21:02,243
Okay. I won't take a lover.
490
00:21:02,283 --> 00:21:05,043
Unless Alicia Keys responds
491
00:21:05,083 --> 00:21:08,083
to the MySpace messages
I sent her in 2004.
492
00:21:08,123 --> 00:21:10,443
If you hook up with Keys,
I'm going after Hamm.
493
00:21:10,483 --> 00:21:12,443
Hamm? Say his full name.
494
00:21:12,483 --> 00:21:13,763
Jon Barnaby Hamm.
495
00:21:13,803 --> 00:21:14,723
Why Hamm?
496
00:21:14,763 --> 00:21:16,203
His teeth are too small.
497
00:21:16,243 --> 00:21:17,603
People don't talk about that.
498
00:21:19,843 --> 00:21:21,483
This is good, isn't it?
499
00:21:21,523 --> 00:21:23,523
This has been worth it,
I think.
500
00:21:23,563 --> 00:21:24,963
We would never
have talked about this
501
00:21:25,003 --> 00:21:26,283
if we hadn't come to Paris.
502
00:21:27,603 --> 00:21:28,643
You having a nice time?
503
00:21:38,283 --> 00:21:40,363
[no audible dialogue]
504
00:21:40,403 --> 00:21:42,683
I'm going to go over there
and assault him, okay?
505
00:21:42,723 --> 00:21:45,843
Okay. Ah, just before
you do that, just--
506
00:21:45,883 --> 00:21:47,683
I just want to quickly
tell you something first.
507
00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:49,443
Okay.
508
00:21:49,483 --> 00:21:51,363
I may have come.
509
00:21:51,403 --> 00:21:53,563
- What?
- I'm not sure. I just--
510
00:21:53,603 --> 00:21:55,083
And-- And it was
more of a plateau,
511
00:21:55,123 --> 00:21:56,243
you know, than a full...
512
00:21:56,283 --> 00:21:58,283
Ah, maybe...
513
00:21:58,323 --> 00:22:01,083
Just because I enjoyed it
doesn't make it right!
514
00:22:01,123 --> 00:22:03,603
Right. No?
515
00:22:05,803 --> 00:22:07,243
Should we just go
up to the room?
516
00:22:07,283 --> 00:22:08,683
Yeah.
517
00:22:11,763 --> 00:22:12,963
Bonjour.
518
00:22:14,443 --> 00:22:15,923
What time's our train?
519
00:22:15,963 --> 00:22:18,323
6:13.
520
00:22:18,363 --> 00:22:20,243
[moaning]
521
00:22:33,523 --> 00:22:34,883
Do you think Johnny heard us?
522
00:22:34,923 --> 00:22:36,563
He definitely heard us,
523
00:22:36,603 --> 00:22:38,443
even if he's not
staying here right now.
524
00:22:38,483 --> 00:22:40,003
[laugh]
525
00:22:45,003 --> 00:22:46,883
Is it bad that I came
inside you?
526
00:22:46,923 --> 00:22:48,963
No.
527
00:22:49,003 --> 00:22:50,603
I don't know.
528
00:22:50,643 --> 00:22:52,523
It's Paris.
529
00:22:52,563 --> 00:22:55,163
You know, and if we end up
conceiving a baby in Paris,
530
00:22:55,203 --> 00:22:57,723
then... [sigh]
531
00:23:02,403 --> 00:23:04,083
I didn't
think that through.
532
00:23:05,723 --> 00:23:06,923
Oh, shit.
533
00:23:09,043 --> 00:23:10,523
What are you doing?
534
00:23:10,563 --> 00:23:13,163
What's it look like
I'm doing?
535
00:23:13,203 --> 00:23:15,043
I learned this
in convent school.
536
00:23:16,323 --> 00:23:17,643
Is it coming out?
537
00:23:17,683 --> 00:23:19,963
Uh, I don't know.
538
00:23:20,003 --> 00:23:21,403
Oh, look. There it goes.
539
00:23:21,443 --> 00:23:23,443
Wow.
34968
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