All language subtitles for Catastrophe.S02E02.en

Get them to cut it
out of me, Rob.

Caesarean me, please!
It's not too late!

It's too late.
You're crowning.

Push it back in
and cut it out!

Three people who live in
this house wear nappies.

- I'm one of them.
- You haven't bonded
with the baby?

- No.
- Do you think you might have

a little
postnatal depression?

Rob, do you think
it's about time for me

to pop to IKEA?

Woman: So you're finding

your current
circumstances difficult?

Yeah. No.

I mean, they're not,

they're not difficult
on paper.

I hate them, but there are
people all over the world

who have it tougher than
me. You know, like...

I mean, I can't think
of anyone now, but,

I don't know, Greek people.

And your husband?

Are you able to tell
him how you feel?

Yeah, well, you know,
I-- I-- I tell him,

but he's-- he's tired.

He works a lot, and we've got
two kids under the age of 3.

I'd say he thinks
about the kids,
then work, then sleep,

and then me
or taking a shit.

I probably
feature in his thoughts
right after the toilet

and just before
a book about Hitler.

Oh, he likes to read
about World War II.

He's not a bad person.
He's--

Just imagine a nice
enough guy taking a shit

and reading about Hitler,
and that's my husband.

Okay.

And you said there's
no suicidal ideation?

No.

I mean,
I do think about dying,

but in a kind
of abstract way--

you know, like, sometimes
I imagine a meteor

hitting the house and
killing me and the kids.

What about your husband?

I don't know. If he's home.
I don't care.

So I thought
maybe some pills?

Hey, how was that?

It was good. It was fine.

It was good that you didn't
come in with me, though,

because I was really
able to rip into you.

Well, that's great, honey.

Did you get it all out,

or will I still
get to listen

to your nightly screed
at 11:15 p.m.?

Well, that depends
on you, cowboy.

Oh, did she prescribe
that you let me fuck you

for the first time
since February?

No, but she prescribed
me some pills

that she said could make
me more receptive to sex

but less able
to enjoy it.

Was that a riddle?

Are you really
just pissing?

Because I can smell
McDonald's.

Jesus.

One taxi driver-sized
dump all changed.

- What time are you back?
- 6 or 7.

Probably 7.
How are you feeling?

Yeah, pretty good.
You know, kind of even.

Like borderline nothing,
but in a good way.

What are you doing today?

Baby drums and then
Mummy and Me.

God,
I hate even saying that.

And then probably go
and get a coffee with Sam,

talk about the other
mums in the group.

Sam calls them "mombies."
You know, like, zombies?

- That's great, honey.
- I know.

♪ Incy-wincy spider

♪ Climbed up the water spout

♪ Down came...

I'm trying
not to travel around

with my little
hemorrhoid cushion,

but sitting on this
cold floor is like, ow.

I had a C section.

Oh, cool.

♪ And dried up all the rain

Have you seen the mum with
the big brown eyes? Sam?

She usually sits with me.
Samantha?

- No, sorry.
- No?

Maybe she quit because
she got tired of looking
at her camel toe.

♪ Incy-wincy spider
climbed up the water spout ♪

♪ Down came the rain and
washed the spider out ♪

I hate myself.

[chatter]

Want to come
and see these mums?

No.

What's going on
with you crazy bitches?

We were just seeing if we
could get a group together

to see Paloma Faith.

Ah, Paloma Faith.

I'm more of
a Taylor Swift girl.

- I love Taylor Swift.
- I'm kidding.
She makes me barf.

My husband
likes Paloma Faith.

- Ah.
- He thinks she looks dirty.

Not dirty like
she doesn't wash.

He just thinks she looks
like she'd be up for,

you know, whatever?

Where's Sam? She's normally
here on a Tuesday.

Was she here last week?

Samantha? She's gone
back to work, I think.

She what?

I think she said last week
she was going back to work.

Well, you think
or she said?
Which is it?

I'm pretty sure
she said.

Right. Right.

Paloma Faith.

Be funny to say that
after someone sneezes.

Achoo. Paloma Faith.
Thank you.

We should start that.

[phone rings]

Ed 856965.

Sharon: Hey,
is Mallandra there?

- Who?
- Mallandra. Your wife.

I know who she is.
Why the fuck do you
want to talk to her?

- I want to talk to a mother.
- Talk to me. I'm your brother.

I want to talk to a woman

who's been afflicted
with child by a man.

No. I don't want you
getting her all worked up.

She's happy with her lot.

What are you,
her fucking gatekeeper?

- Put her on the phone.
- She's not here.

Oh, you're so annoying.

Listen, while I have you,

we need to talk about what
you're going to do about Dad

because I don't have
time this month.

Boop.

Fuck off.

Dickhead.

Hi.

Hey, Fran. Sorry, I--

Can't talk now.
Chris is leaving.

- He what?
- It's fine.
It's just temporary.

- It's not temporary.
- Let's catch up soon.

Well, um, okay.

[door closes]

- No, we're renaming it--
- [knock on door]

..and it's going to be an
oval pill instead of round,

and it's a completely
different package

so now we can market it
to cancer people--

patients.

What? No. I don't golf.

All right.
Take it easy, Ken.

Jesus!

Do women get asked
to golf all the time?

We get asked to mentor
Indian guys' daughters a lot.

At least that makes sense.

Which is interesting
because I'm Iranian.

Right. Of course.

Rob, I wanted to introduce
Olivia Vasseur.

Olivia has been in our Paris
office but is moving to London

and will be running
international research
initiatives for us.

- Hello.
- Rob Norris.

I try to make people
buy drugs.

He's being falsely modest.

I hired Rob to clean up
a PR mess a few years ago,

and I've yet to meet a drug
since that he can't sell.

Heroin, maybe?

You'll have to carry a gun.

Yeah. I don't want
to carry a gun.

They're really heavy,
and I travel light.

You ever fired a gun?

I don't know
why I'm asking you that.

Yes, I'm good
at selling drugs,

and I'm glad
you work here now.

Me, too.

Sharon: I haven't seen you wear
that shirt to work before.

This shirt?

Huh. Isn't it more
of an evening shirt?

I guess it's
a little dangerous.

Does it look stupid?

No, it's cute.

And, you know,
if you fancy it,

you can always nip out

and play a little snooker
at lunchtime.

[sigh]

I think I'm going to
stop producing milk.

Why?

Because.

I can't smoke pot anymore.

You don't smoke pot.

Well, I want to start.

I've been thinking
about it,

and I want to start
smoking pot.

I think it will
help me chill out.

- Just meditate or something.
- Fuck off.

Okay. Maybe you should
smoke pot.

I would like
the option of being

more than 15 feet
away from Muireann

for more than 15 minutes.

Have you seen the way
she looks at me now?

I'm just a giant tit to her.

Also, have you seen
my nipples recently?

They're not pink anymore.
They're not even red.

- They're black.
- They're not black.

Okay, they're brown.

Who cares?

The baby
still wants to suck them.

I still want to suck them.

We don't care
what color they are.

I care.

Hey. Have you seen
my balls lately?

I don't look at them.

You shouldn't have to.

May I?

Go for it.

I just-- I want
to have a little look,

and then, in a platonic,
medical way,

see what they taste like.

- I haven't had a wash.
- Good.

You smell like onions.

Okay. I guess I'll go suck
some tits on the bus, then.

Russian ones.

Bye.

Sam. Sam.

- Hi.
- Hi. Hello.

Sorry. It fell on--

- How are you?
- I'm good.

I'm great.

What's going on?
I heard you're back at work.

Yeah, yeah, I went back
to work this week.

The company have
a nursery on site.

They actually encourage
you to bring your babies.

- Oh, that's nice for you.
- Yeah.

God,
it's so good to see you!

I was at Mummy and Me,

and I was like,
"Where is she?

Where is my
Mummy and Me bestie?"

I had to hang out
with the mombies.

Oh, no. Not the mombies.

God. I couldn't
go back there.

I think maybe
I didn't fit in

because I haven't
had a lobotomy.

Yeah, no. I haven't,
either-- had a lobotomy.

You were the only
normal one there.

Thank you.

I remember you saying

that you used to work
in Spitalfields, so...

I mean, not that that's
why I, you know...

I was shopping.
I bought a book.

Ah, yes. I've heard this
is supposed to be great.

I should read this.

Yeah, just have it.
Just take it.

You're so funny.

I should be getting back,
but here.

Give me your number.
I'll give you a call.

Okay. Great.

No, I was going to say
that we should do that.

We should just go
for a beer or just a wine

or, you know,
a cocktail or something.

Yeah, no, definitely.

I don't seem to have
the same support network

I had when, you know,
when I had Frankie.

A lot of the mums I met then,
they went back to work

while we immediately
got me pregnant again,

since all we do
is get me pregnant.

What are we, farmers?

What were we thinking?

God, it's good to talk.

Well, look,
I'll give you a call.

Yeah, call me now
so your number comes up.

Yeah. Okay.

[humming]

- [phone jangles]
- Okay.

What are you doing
tomorrow night?

What are you doing?

[muffled]
What's goin' on?

Hello, Rob.

Mm.

It's a good sandwich?

Yeah. Sort of just--

And another sandwich

for when you finish
your first sandwich.

- Yep.
- You're a growing boy.

Mm-hmm.

Doors opening.

See you later, Pippa.

Pippa?

- The children's pig.
- Oh.

Doors closing.

Wow, your dick feels
really good against my back

because the tip of it's wet.

Is the tip
of your pussy wet?

No.

Well, I don't even
have to put it in.

I can just pop it
between your thighs,

and then, if you get
turned on, then--

I'm not gonna get turned on.

You can't predict the future.

Why do you even want
to have sex with me?

I wouldn't want
to have sex with me.

I'm just a cow
in a dressing down.

You're so much hotter
than a cow.

Oh, God. Okay, you can
do it between my thighs,

but just come
on your own stomach.

You drive a hard bargain,
but I agree to your terms.

Damn, Jordan.

I'm passionate about sports.

Me, too.

[clang]

Maybe we should cycle

or power lift together.

Yeah. Um,
how's it going here?

Are you settling in okay?

Yeah. Whatever.

Although a lot of people
who work here are idiots.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm an idiot,

but I kind of wound up
working here by mistake.

But some mistakes are happy.

[speaking French]

That's so sweet.

You speak French
like a little German boy.

Well, I'm going to go be
an idiot back in my office.

- I'll see you later.
- Okay.

Ciao,idiot.

- Hey, Giles.
- Hello.

[zip]

Fucking Christ.

I think being a stay-at-home
is not for me.

You know, I just--
I feel like a prisoner.

I'm seeing a therapist
now, so it'll be fine.

I've got pills,
but I feel numb now,
but in a good way.

- Sounds nice.
- Mmm.

And I'm more open to
the idea of sex with Rob.

Remember we were talking
about that? And baby drums?

Oh, my God!
Baby drums, kill me!

Yeah. What about you
and your husband?

- What, you mean sex?
- Yeah.

Um, it's just back
to how it was.

Back to how it was before?

Because in the beginning,
Rob and I were like--

we were like teenagers.

We did stuff I haven't
even seen online,

and now it's like
a lesbian deathbed.

We had sex the other night
for the first time in...

two and a half months.
It wasn't even full sex.

It was, you know, more
like sort of frottage.

Do you want
another drink?

I should probably--
I've got to meet my cousin.

Aw! Okay, well, look,

do you want to get something
proper in the diary?

My husband's company have--

Well, the employees
have access to this
villa in Cornwall.

They have a Jacuzzi there
and, like, a kitchen garden.

- There's a Jacuzzi.
- Wow.

So maybe we can get
our families together

and have a long weekend there?
Maybe Easter weekend?

Well, I'd need to check
with Alan first, but, um,

yeah.
Let me get my drink.

No, don't be silly.
I'll get it.

You get the next one in
Cornwall! Check with Alan.

- Let me know what he says.
- Yeah. Okay.

All right.

You fucking pervert!

Oh, he's acting
all holier-than-thou,

and now you're
a toilet fucker.

I am not--
I don't fuck the toilet.

Well, do you come
into the toilet?

Yeah.

You're a toilet fucker.

Okay, well, then, you can
see why I need a meeting.

Well, I go every day,
so just let me know.
I'll go with you.

You know, meetings can
really offer a framework.

Don't fucking offer
to framework me!

You've been sober
for half an hour.

Dude, I've been sober
for three months

for the first time
since I was 12.

No, I'm sorry.
That's great.

Plus
I've had the good luck

to scoop up
a tasty piece of ass

that belongs to
a lovely sober lady

that I may be
falling in love with.

- What?
- Catherine.

She's like a beacon
of health and recovery.

Plus she did a lot
of disgusting things

- before she got sober.
- Okay, well--

She owns a fucking
hedge fund,
but eight years ago.

She was a hooker
in Marrakech.

How fucking great is that?

I mean, not for her then.
It was terrible,

- but for me now--
- Dave, listen,

you are like a delicate
flower right now--

Aw, thanks man!

...and you need
to be in a greenhouse

where you can
get your shit together

for a little while before
you jump into anything.

Okay, well,
I'll take that on board.

Toilet fucker.

[laughing]

[phone rings]

- Hiya.
- Hey! Are you--

- Didn't we say 1 p.m.?
- Oh, God.

Sorry. I thought it was
a loose arrangement.

- I had lunch here.
- Oh!

Okay. Well, should I
pop over anyway?

I mean,
I'm in Spitalfields.

Oh, no, no. Sorry.
I have a ton of work.

Sorry. I feel bad.

No, don't worry. I'll just--

Are you still on for that
dance thing tomorrow night?

Uh, Let me check with Alan,
but it should be fine.

Okay, great. Well, I'll
see you then, my friend.

Actually, hang on. Wait.

I'm-- I'm not going to
make it tomorrow night.

Okay, well, do you want me
to try for Friday?

I'm not going to make it
any night, really.

- Okay.
- Look, to be honest,

I just have too much
going on,

and I don't have time for
people in my life who...

Who what?

Who need things.

- Is this about the smell?
- What?

It doesn't matter.

You said you're in therapy.

Keep going to that.

Go back to Mummy And Me.

Those mums
really aren't as bad

as you make them out to be.

They're just...mums,

like you.

But not like you?

Oh, okay. Um...

fine, well, thanks
for the advice.

You are so welcome.

Oh, did you ask Alan
about Cornwall?

What?

I'm kidding. Fuck off!

[knock on door]

I had a question

about the patents on
the new Orflex synthetic.

Ooh, uh, I have no idea.
That's not really my, uh...

- You know, I think--
- I'm just fucking with you.

Oh. Right.

I just thought it would
be funny to pretend

that I came here
to talk about work.

Um, o-okay.

Why did you come in here?

I notice you look at me
sometimes.

Oh. Well, yes, I--

I have looked at you,
um, but--

I was curious if you'd like
to look at me someplace else?

Like my flat
or maybe a hotel room?

- Oh. Oh, you mean like--
- Yeah, I mean like.

Well, listen, I mean,
you know I'm married, right?

I know you know I'm married,

and you know I have kids
with the woman I'm married to?

I don't want to interfere
with your marriage.

I just thought--

Well, I saw you
switch the big bottle

in the water cooler
yesterday,

and it might as well
have been a pillow.

You make it look
so light.

And I thought to myself,

I'd like to suck his cock
until he passes out.

If that's okay with you.

Oo--

I can't work here anymore.

Lisa, can you step out,
please?

I'm quitting.
I mean, it isn't safe.

I'm a human being.

I mean, I can't have
a beautiful woman--

I mean, what the fuck
is she? A model?

She's, like, better-looking
than a model.

she's got curves and--

Anyway, fuck this nonsense.
I'm out of here.

Thank you for all
that you've done for me,

but I'd like
to hand in my notice.

I don't accept
your resignation.

Well, you don't have
to accept it because--

I asked Lisa to step out
when it seemed like

you were going to say
something stupid.

So right now,
only you and I know

you're having some kind
of sexual meltdown.

Let's keep it that way.
You do good work here.

I want you to stay.
We'll just pay you more.

Yeah,
I don't want more money.

I can do 18,000 more a year.

Are you serious?

I don't think
I have a reputation

as the office comedian.

- [door closes]
- I bonded with Muireann today.

I was so relieved, I opened
up the bottle of champagne

that was at the back
of the tins cupboard.

That's great.

Oh, my God, she's so
fucking smart, that baby.

I mean Frankie's smart,
but he's not--

you know, he's not
Muireann-smart.

- Mm-hmm.
- I feel so bad

that I thought for a second
that I didn't love her.

And now I'm, like,
percolating for her.

Ha!

What's the matter
with you?

Uh, nothing.

I got a raise.

That's amazing!

Oh, did you have
to blow Harita?

I got dumped today

by my mum friend
Samantha.

She doesn't want
to see me anymore.

I couldn't even hang on
to a mum-friend.

And it's not
like she's all that.

It's not like she's
Beyonce.

She said I should go and
hang out with the "mombies,"

and you know what?
She's right.

Every single one
of those mums

is probably more
interesting than me.

[voices on TV]

- Rob.
- What?

What I just said.

Are you not going
to say anything?
Do you not care?

Right now I don't know
that I do care about that.

I mean, we've got two kids
under the age of 3.

My job is a nightmare,

and those things use up
all my daily care units.

So sometimes,
when you need attention

at the end of the day,

I've got nothing left
for you.

And I know that's not fair,
but what do I do?

You dig deep
and you scrounge
something up for me.

Don't be lazy.

What do you want me to say?

Say she sounds like a bitch!

She does sound like a bitch!

I'll kill her for you.

Do you know how happy
that would make me?

I've got plenty
of hate units left.

You can't kill her.
She's got kids.

I'll kill them, too! Are you
upset with her or not?

Don't you know how to feud?

You're supposed
to wipe out the bloodline.

How are you going
to kill her?

Well...

first I'll hit her
with my car.

And then,
if that doesn't work,

I'll fucking strangle her.

Would that turn her on?

Ow, ow, ow.

Ow, ow.

- Ow.
- Can you not--

Do you have to say
"Ow" every time?

Yeah. It hurts. I say
"Ow" when things hurt.

Do you want me to stop?

No.

Okay.

Is that better?

Yeah. That side's fine.

Just hit the left side.

Ow. The left side.
My left.

- Mm!
- My left!

- Ow.
- [Muireann cries]

No. I know
what you're thinking,

but it's just better
for everybody

- if I just finish this off.
- Ow.

- [crying continues]
- Ow.

Oh. Oh, God.

That's Sam up there
in the queue.

- You serious?
- Yeah.

I don't want her
to see me.

Why?

Because I'm embarrassed.

You're embarrassed?

She's the one who
should be embarrassed.

- What are you doing?
- I'm going to tell her
what I think of her.

No, don't do that. God.

Okay, do.

Hi. I'm Rob Norris,
Sharon Morris' husband.

- What's your address?
- Sorry?

Home or office,
I don't care.

Why do you want to know?

I'm not going
to come around.

I want to mail you
an etiquette book,
you cold sore.

Why wouldn't you want
to hang out with my wife?

Do you know
how funny she is?

Do you know
how smart she is?

She's going to have
to explain this movie
to me after we see it.

I won't get it.
She's a teacher.

- What do you do?
- Why do you even care?

She told me you work at an
organic dog food company.

- Nice!
- Seriously--

What about you?
What are you,
a chiropractor?

- A financial guy?
- I'm an architect.

I bet you are.

What movie are you
queueing for?

The Winter Song.

Jake Gyllenhaal
gets hit by a bus

and winds up
in a wheelchair.

Rosamund Pike leaves him
for his brother,

and he kills himself.
Boom. Fuck you.

That's £30 plus baby-sitter
money in the trash.

For fuck's sake.

I'm sorry.