All language subtitles for Brian Posehn Criminally Posehn [2016] [1080p] ENG

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We got to cut the angel bit.

What do you mean?

House of Blues won't
let us use pyrotechnics.

Jim Belushi won't
let us do pyrotechnics?

Fuck. No. It's gotta...
It's gotta end with
the angel, angel, angel.

And then boom, boom, boom.

It's got...
It's got to have explosions.

Well,
don't let this fuck you up.

Have a good show.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
Brian Posehn!

[CROWD CHEERING]

[HEAVY METAL MUSIC
CONTINUES PLAYING]

Fuck, yeah. Yeah!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Yeah! Fuck, yeah.

Holy Jesus.

You guys are awesome.

Oh, my God!

That opening was so metal

it doesn't seem like
I should talk about my dick now.

Like... You know
what I mean?

It seemed like I should have

just broken into song

and [GROWLS]
jump out there.

You guys
are fucking awesome.

I love coming here.

I'm a huge
comic book nerd.

This week is Comic-Con...

[CROWD CHEERING]

I'm sure
there's a lot of locals

that hate Comic-Con

and, you know,
save that for later.

We'll talk about it later.

But here's the thing,
'cause, you know,

if you've been here
during Comic-Con,

all the restaurants
try to nerd it up.

You know, to,
like, appeal to us.

So they'll put, like,
girls in costumes that,

you know,
girls never fucking read

Green Lantern or, you know...
And that makes nerds mad.

Like, we'll be
at a strip club,

you know, and you're getting
a lap dance from Lady Thor.

-BRIAN: Mm, yeah!
-[CROWD LAUGHING]

First of all, I have been
very vocal on the Internet

about my displeasure
of the creation of Lady Thor.

But now that she's
actually rubbing on my parts,

I feel different things.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

Oh, God! For Asgard!
That's when he can.

I'm not allowed
to do that tonight.

I know where your San Diego
stripping establishments are.

Oh, fuck yeah!
I don't need Siri for that.

I know where they are, man,
but I'm not allowed to go.

And it's not like they have
a restraining order against me.

Like, that would be awesome.

Like, an entire city's
stripping establishments

got a restraining
order against you.

Like, you have to
do some serious shit

to get kicked out
of a Spearmint Rhino, right?

That's dick out
during a lap dance,

that's running
through the place,

yelling, "I'm putting
babies in all you ladies."

You have to do
some serious shit

for a strip club to go,

"Nope. Not that guy.

"Not taking his money."

That's not
what happened to me.

No. My story is,

I made a deal
with my sweet, sweet wife

a couple of years ago

that I would no longer
go to strip clubs.

And by that
I mean, she said,

"You no longer
go to strip clubs."

And I went, [WHIMPERING]
"It's a deal."

50-50. I still have a say.

And I don't want
to paint my wife

like she's some
comedy cliche.

She's not.
She's fucking awesome

and she always
busts my balls, you know?

But we did.

I really am not allowed
to go to strip clubs.

That part's real.

Oh, yeah. 'Cause I like
my penis where it is.

She'll chop
the shit out of that thing.

She said it, like, jokingly.

But, nah.
I know real when I see real.

I'm not allowed to go.

So she busts my balls
whenever given a chance.

So, last summer
I was flying to Montreal.

Don't know
if you've been,

but it's super strippery.

Yeah. You get a lap dance
before you go through Customs.

You just land
at the Montreal airport
and a super-hot French lady

jumps on your dong like...
[GROWLS]

And that is
how they sound, by the way.

I'm sure you caught on,

I'm super good at accents.

You should
hear my Irish fella...

You already did.

[GROWLS]

Happy Saint Patrick's Day.

So my wife knows
how shitty I am at accents.

She is also super aware

of how strippery
Montreal has been.

She's been there,
she knows.

So I couldn't trick her, right?

Sitting on the plane,
talking to my wife on the phone,

plane's about to take off.

Flight attendant
walks back by,

tells everybody
to turn their phones off.

My wife keeps talking...

Flight attendant walks again,

gives me the stink eye...
A couple of things about me,

I don't do well with,
like, pressure or authority

or like people.
Uh, I'm sort of a freak.

I start to lose my shit,
and my wife knows this.

So she used this opportunity
to blurt this out of nowhere.

She just goes,
"Lap dances are cheating!"

-and then click.
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

I swear to you,

that's how she
fucking said goodbye to me.

My wife of 10 years.

Not, "I love you,"
not, "Enjoy Montreal,"

not, "Bring me back
something French."

Just fucking,
"Lap dances are cheating."

And then dead air.

I'm just sitting
with my phone going,

"What the fuck
just happened?"

I know she's busting
my chops,

so I don't say anything.

So I get home five days later,

and I'm like, "Hey, baby,

when I was leaving,

why did you yell,
'Cat Fancyis cheating?'"

[CROWD LAUGHS]

"The whole time
I was getting lap dances
from beautiful French girls,

"wondering why you hated
a magazine about cats."

People that like cats
like to read.

What's your fucking problem?

I quit smoking pot
over two years ago.

-Yeah.
-[CROWD BOOING]

No, you're right.

That was fucking stupid.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

I'm back so hard.
Oh, my God.

-[CROWD CHEERING]
-Oh, yeah!

Came back to weed
with a vengeance.

So now I'm back
behind comedy clubs,

hanging out
with strangers,

smoking whatever
random shit they hand me.

Super safe, right?

I almost find it insulting

that I've never woken up
in a stranger's van going,

"What the fuck?"

No one wants
to rape me.

Is that what
you're telling me?

Not one person
in all of North America

wants to rape me.

I did that joke
in Portland.

And as soon as I said
not one person wants to rape me,

a bunch of people
in the audience went, "Aw."

That's such a
fucking Portland response.

A bunch of
sweet hippies up there.

They're like,
"Oh, come on, you guys,

as Oregonians,
we should step up

and show this guy
some Portland spirit

and take
this fat bear behind a building

and make that shit happen."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

503 in the hizzy.

Traveling with weed sucks.

I've spoken
about that before.

I don't travel with weed

'cause I would
get super paranoid.

I mean, I talk
about what a freak I am.

Oh, my God,
when I'm full of weed,

high as fuck
and I'm going through TSA,

and I'm just sweating...
[GAGS]

and I've got
a sack under my sack...

And that taint no good.

[LAUGHS]

-[CROWD LAUGHS]
-[CROWD CHEERING]

Oh, my God.
Somebody really likes puns.

I love that.

You with the crazy laugh,

you're going to enjoy.

I've hidden
a couple more puns in my act

and by hidden... I mean,

I become Yosemite Sam
when I make a pun.

I fucking love
wordplay so much

I want to shoot
fucking holes in the ceiling.

Fun with words.
So they'll be easy to find.

Even the dumb dumbs will
figure out when I made a pun.

I got busted...
Oh, I almost got busted

when I wasn't even carrying.

I flew into Calgary...

But here's the story.
I was super, super high.

Oh, my God. And I was
sweating so much weed...

And I got high
with a bunch of strangers

in North Carolina,
and then I get on a plane,

I fly into Calgary, Canada

fucking high out of my skull...

Yeah, it's a place.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

And I'm super, super high,

and I got
to go through Customs.

And make it through
the first level of Customs.

Second level of Customs,

two Customs officers
and the dog... Yeah.

Here's two things
about me.

I love animals,
and I'm fucking stupid.

'Cause my natural reaction

to seeing
that drug dog was to go,

"Hey, pretty girl.
How are we doing today?"

The dog's like,
"You fucking idiot.

"You just made
my job super, super easy,

"you fucking giant stoner."

And the dog does this,
walks up and sits at my feet.

Right? Which is how
they let their trainers know

that, like, you're high

or you have weed
or you're a Muslim.

-And...
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

Yeah, I didn't know
about the politically incorrect

doggy training going
at the Calgary Airport.

I just thought it was
the most fucking adorable thing

I'd seen all week.

I'm like,
"Who's making friends today?

"We are!
Who likes ear rubs? Everybody.

"That's right.
All the doggies in doggy land

"love to have their ears rubbed

"'cause it makes
their foot go crazy."

And the dog's like, "Dude,
seriously, shut the fuck up.

"You're blowing it
super, super hard, dude."

And the dog was right.

Apparently,
I was fucking blowing it.

'Cause the two dudes
take me away from my new friend.

And I'm like, "Where
are we going? She's pretty."

They bring me
into another room

that none of you want to
go into at the Calgary airport.

'Cause in that room,
in my experience,

is the meanest lady
I've ever met in my life.

Yeah, mean lady
at the Calgary airport

was all fucking business.

She goes through my bags,
makes me take off my clothes.

Not the first time

I've been nude
in front of a mean lady.

-[CROWD LAUGHS]
-It's kind of a recurring theme.

A lot of disappointment
when this dude nudes up.

And the two dudes
start to leave me

and that's when I panicked.

I'm like,
"What's going on, fellas?

"Why am I
in here in the first place?"

And the guy goes,
"Well, sir,

"the dog indicated you."

And at the time
I was still fucking high.

So I'm like, "Well, all right,
that makes sense, I guess."

But in retrospect, I'm pretty
fucking sure I indicated myself.

'Cause you know
who tries to hug drug dogs?

People on drugs.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

My buddy in LA
is a pot dealer.

He's been
my dealer for a long time

and a good friend of mine.

And he's super excited

about weed
being legal everywhere.

He's like,
"It's gonna be awesome, dude,

"when it's legal
everywhere."

And I'm like,
"Not for you."

Just think about it.
You'll never use a dealer again

when you don't
fucking have to.

When you can go to Costco
and buy in bulk, right,

you're not gonna sit
on some dude's shitty couch

in his gross apartment.

And hear him talk
about his fucking
obsidian collection ever again.

'Cause if you've ever
bought weed

from a dude,
and I have,

you know you've got to
hang out in your dealer's house

and hear
about his boring-ass hobby

he just picked up.

"Hey, brother,
just found out
I'm 1/72nd Cherokee,

"so I started
collecting arrowheads."

"Wow, brother,
I just found out I'm 3/4

"I fucking hate you.

"Let me go!
Tell your girlfriend
she doesn't have to hide

"in your bedroom
when I come over.

"I'm not buying guns
you fucking weirdos.

"Just weed."

On the road,
you know, a lot of times

I get to bring
my friends, which is nice.

Sometimes, though,
I'll be in a place

and I'll have
some kid open for me
who I've never met before.

I was in Phoenix,
and I love Phoenix,

but they had this 26-year-old
hipster kid go up before me.

With the pants
and the face and the thing.

And... I don't hate hipsters

in case there's
any of you in here.

I just hate
this fucking kid.

'Cause he was on my stage,

talking about
how much he hates himself.

At 26, you guys,

he's having
a little boohoo party

talking about self-hatred.

And as you're
about to see,

that's kind of my area.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

Self-hatred.

But I'm fucking 49.

I've earned
my self-hatred.

And Grandpa Self-Hatred

is sitting
back there going,

"What the fuck can you hate

"about yourself
at 26, hipster dick?"

"Oh, I ran out of
moustache wax, you guys!

"I can't get my mustache to go
old-timey and pricklesy
like I like.

"Sure, I work
at a Starbucks at the mall

"but I like to look like

"I'm a butcher
from the fucking 1800s."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

"And my unicycle
has a flat tire.

"Well, if you're not familiar
with the unicycle

"as a form of transportation,

"it only has one tire.

"So all my tires
are flat, you guys.

"How am I supposed to ride
around the Gaslamp District

"with my iguana,
on my shoulder

"like a fucking asshole?

"How are strangers
gonna know I'm a dick?

"People will actually
have to have a discussion
with me before they can

"determine
I'm a terrible person.

"Just like in olden times.

"And how am I
going to make it

"to my Whitesnake
ukulele tribute band practice?

"Oh Whitesnake, oh ukulele.

"Oh, super shitty, by the way.

"We're called Uk-Snake,
and we're opening for Bon-uke

"at uke-fest
in Uk-gene, Oregon."

"Fuck you, hipster!"

That's not self-hatred.

I know self-hatred.

I hate myself
because of that joke.

And I'll explain.
Like, I'm the old guy now,

making fun
of young people suddenly.

But two years ago,
I was fucking cool as shit.

Well, four years back.
Now, I'm super old.

I'm so old now

and it feels like
it just happened

in the last
couple of years

where I just
felt, like, so, so old.

And that's this.

Uh, I no longer know
what Weird Al is making fun of.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

Yeah, that's
a huge thing for me.

I've talked before about

what a fucking
Weird Al fan I am,
but now I'm lost.

I don't know
what he's doing anymore.

My whole life,
I followed him.

I remember
being a kid and,

you know,
counting on him almost,

like a shitty song
would come out

and I'd be like,
you know, that sucks.

And then a couple
of months later,

Weird Al
would have his take on it.

And I'd be like,
"Yeah, get 'em Weird!" you know?

He had an album
come out last year.

He won
a Grammy for it, man,

and there are
six parody songs on that album.

And I only knew
one of the originals

and that was the one
that was in the news a lot

from Alan Thicke's kid.

And how fucking old am I

that I call him
Alan Thicke's kid.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

Like, when
I wrote this joke,

I actually had to
look Robin Thicke up.

Like, I'm your
80-year-old grandmother

who can't pull
the name Robin Thicke
out of my crusty, ancient ass.

"You know, um, Alan Thicke's boy
from, uh, The Growing Pains.

"Remember him? He also wrote
the Diff'rent Strokes song."

You might not know that
about that Alan Thicke.

He's a very talented guy.

So anyways,
his young boy...

Not the boy
from the TV show,

not the Banana Man.
not the Christian kid.

No, his real boy.

He was out
on that movie awards,

dancing around with
that Billy Ray Cyrus slut.

Boy, she's sure
giving it away.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

What the fuck
is happening to me?

My brain is old.

Oh, my God.
My body's older.

Somehow,
I don't know how, my body...

Oh, my God.
Each day, it's getting worse.

Um, my tits
are sweating. Right now.

While I talk to you,

my tits
are being rude.

They're sweating,
and I'm not really doing much.

I paced around
a couple of times.

My tits are doing less than me.

My tits are just
laying on top of my gut,

but they're both
currently sweating

like a fucking
12-year-old basset hound

just ran around
a swimming pool 20 times.

And I know dogs
don't have sweat glands,

but it works. Anyway...

I hate my tits,
you guys.

And... Oh, I hate
touching them too,

like, that always
creeps me out.

Doesn't feel like my hand.

It just feels so wrong.

Yeah. I just feel like
the worst day stripper.

Just like, "Meh.
put 'em on the glass, I guess."

"I'm working my way
through college again, fellas,

"whatever you can kick down..."

You would think
I'd be used to my tits.

I've had 'em a while.

Oh, yeah. I first
got my tits when I was 31.

I remember the day.

I went and called my mom,

she took me to the mall,

we got me a training bra
and went out for ice cream.

Sweet, sweet day
between a boy and his mom.

It's a rite of passage

for every fat nerd.

When I was 35, I had
the tits of a 16-year-old girl.

What's up, fellas? That's right.

Yeah. Fuck yeah.
You're right, dude.

Perky and perfect,

but forbidden.
You know what I mean?

Like, just like
a 16-year-old girl's tits.

Untouchable, you fucking creep!

Avert your eyes, old man.

You want to
go to jail again, brother?

I get super
self-conscious about 'em, too.

I'm like, "Fellas,
my eyes are up here."

I was in Hawaii, with my wife

and she made me swim.

That is true.
I climb out of a swimming pool

and I really
did this, like, in public.

I'm like, I hope
no one sees my side tit.

I'm going to have to
wear a shirt when I swim,

like a fat old asshole.

Now,
as I said earlier, I'm not 35.

Nuh-uh, I'm much older.

So I have the tits
of a much older woman

who's had some children.

She's seen some hard road
in recent years, you guys.

Yeah, she's been
to Sturgis with those titties.

Fuck, yeah.
She's got some dirty
Sturgis biker secrets

she's going to take
to the grave with those tatas.

That's right.
Shit they can't show

on Sons of Anarchy
because it's only cable.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

Now she's working
at a diner off the Interstate.

It's four in the morning,
you go in with your buddies,

all high as fuck.

She drops one of her
dog tits into your coffee.

You heard me.

And she's like,
"More coffee, hon?"

and you're like, "Nope, never.

"I just stopped
drinking coffee

"just this fucking second.

"Thanks for ruining
all caffeinated beverages

"with your
terrible Sturgis dog tits."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

I make fun
of myself a lot.

Like, that's pretty much
the rest of the special.

It's making fun of myself

and serial killers.

I will talk about them

but that's kind of it.

But I make
fun of myself for a reason.

'Cause I blame myself

for what you see
in front of you.

Sure, genetics
played a hand.

A shitty, shitty hand.

Bald at 23.

That'll be fun
for a heavy metal dude.

Say goodbye to your
beautiful blond locks,

Sebastian Bach.

Hey, let's put a beak on human.

What will that look like?

Let's put
a beak on a human

and make
a little bird boy.

That'll be super fun
for him when he's nine years old

and his whole face
is one giant fucking beak.

That'll be awesome.

Hey, let's give him
a vision problem

so it looks like
his glasses came

attached
to his fucking nose.

He went
to a fucking magic store

at Pier 39 like
a goddamn tourist

and bought
a magic face for $8.

Hilarious gag face.

That said, that said,

the rest
of the shit is my fault.

It is. Every inch.

Besides this.

All this shit, my fault.

My tits, my back tits.

My second set
of back tits.

They're
coming in nicely,

in case you're wondering.

All this...

That's my fault,
'cause I eat, like, shit.

I eat like
a rich old lady's dog.

"Three meals a day
and all the treats I can handle.

"Yeah, that's right.
I'm a pretty boy, you guys.

"I'm momma's pretty boy.

"I sure am.

"Mama said I could have
all the treats in the cupboard

"now that Daddy's dead.

-[CROWD LAUGHS]
-AUDIENCE: Aw!

Oh, I killed a guy
in a joke. Fuck off.

What's more metal
than that?

Making a dude up
and fucking killing him.

Treats, man,
are my downfall.

Treats are
what's doing all this bullshit.

Treats, like,
I eat treats all day.

I eat treats
if I have a good day,

treats if I have a shitty day.

Sometimes I'll feel guilty
about having too many treats.

Then I'll sneak
a guilty treat.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

I'm not exaggerating

when I tell you, I have
fallen asleep in hotel rooms

with a night-night treat
hanging out of my fucking mouth.

And how
I haven't choked out

and gone to heaven
like a fat Bon Scott,

I have no fucking idea.

Instead, I wake up
with a breakfast treat

laying on my pillow,

partially chewed,
left for me by Jesus.

That fat piece of shit.

Me, not Jesus.

And my friends, man,
my friends love food

and all my friends
and my wife even, they love food

but they
call themselves foodies, right?

I'm like, we've all
heard that word, foodie,

but, like, I still hate it.

But I remember
the first time
I heard the word foodie,

like, eight years ago,

seriously,
I got deuce chills.

Ugh.

"You're a foodie?"
"Yeah, 'cause I love food."

Pretty sure
if you have a human body,

you fucking have to.

Fucking foodie.
Oh, my God.

I hate people.

-AUDIENCE: Yeah!
-[CROWD CHEERING]

But I watch those...
I love food, yes.

I watch all those shows
that the foodies watch.

I watch all those shows.

I watch the Food Network
and the Cooking Channel.

But I'll be
sitting in my underwear

eating
peanut butter out of a jar

going, "That looks hard."

Wish I knew
how to do things.

But I know how to eat, right?

Well, not right,
but often, and to excess.

And I watch those shows.

I watch all those shows, man,

I love some of those shows.

Like, I watched
Diners, Drive-ins and Dives,

and I love that show
and it's been great for me

because I can... Well,
being on the road all the time.

I watch that show, and then

I find good places
to go in cities I'm going to.

Like, you know, that's how
I found out about Hodad's.

Yeah, shout out to Hodad's.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Fucking great
San Diego burger joint.

You guys got
a bunch of amazing food,

and I found out
about it from that show.

I hate that bleach haired,

fucking Nor Cal, Cabo Wabo

sunglasses on the back
of his fucking...

Running out of ways
to describe that dickhead.

Oh, my God,
I hate Guy Fieri.

-[CROWD CHEERING]
-Yeah. Yeah.

-But I... Hold on.
-[MAN] He's a douche!

But I like to
put cheese on gravy

and that fat bitch tells me

where I can do that shit.

He's made a little
fat map for all those fatties

to follow around Fat America.

"Hey, Guy Fieri,
I'm going to be

"in the San Diego region
this weekend.

"You know where I could get
pulled pork on top of pancakes?"

"Sure do, brother.

"You pull into Downtown,

"you go to Fourth Street,

"you see the old man
with his balls out,
then you can go fuck yourself."

Oh, my God, I hate Guy Fieri.

Like this dude said,
he's a douche. He's a douche.

But the real reason
I hate Guy Fieri

is we're from the same place.

We are. We're both
from Northern California,

and we both,
literally, grew up

about a half hour
away from each other.

And if you're
from that region of the country,

you're either like him

and you fucking
love Sublime still and...

[CROWD LAUGHS]

You quote Swingers

and your friends
want to stab you.

Or you're like me

and you fucking
hate dudes like him.

And I'm like me.

And I am such a pussy.

Like, I've never
punched a dude in my life.

But if I met Guy Fieri,

I might have to
curb stomp him on principle.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Like, "Put your mouth
on that, dude.

"Is that the train
to Flavor Town, asshole?

"Is that a winner-winner
chicken dinner, motherfucker?

"Am I your brother
from another mother?

"Buy a new bracelet,
Smash Mouth. Hey, now."

[CROWD CHEERING]

You're a rock star
Get your freak on

All that glitters is dumb.

Oh, my God.
But I'm full of shit, you guys,

'cause if I met
Guy Fieri in person,

like, at a party
or my high school reunion,

I would be like,
"I love your show, brother."

Maybe like, "Heard you
talking smack down in SD."

So I watch those shows.
I watch all those shows.

I watch the Food Network,
Cooking channel so much.

And then I read
about shows too.

I read about restaurants and...
Oh, yeah. I watch the shows

to learn about restaurants,
and then I'll read about 'em.

I was... I went to
check this place out in Chicago.

The deal
with this restaurant is

it's run by
a real life mental patient.

Like, seriously,
he'll go into an insane asylum

and come up
with delicious ideas

and come out and open
his restaurant up again.

And the deal
with this dude's
restaurant is no menu.

He'll just bring you
whatever the fuck
he wants to bring you

and you're like,
"Oh, my God,

"this is the best shit
I've ever had in my life."

Well, maybe you don't sound
like a Muppet, but I do.

So I go to this restaurant

with a buddy of mine

and it's insane.
Like I said, there's no menu.

And it's also
one of those places
where you strap in.

You're there for a while, right?

We were there
for about three hours.

And it's just plate after plate

of the best stuff
I've ever had in my life.

Third thing comes out,

it's one of the best
things I've ever tasted.

And my friend
must feel the same way

'cause he says this to me.

He goes, "Dude,
this tastes like angel cum."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

My response,
and I did not say,

"What the fuck
are you talking about?"

No, I say, "Yeah.

"It does. You nailed it.

"It totally tastes
like angel cum."

Like, I've never had angel cum,
as far as I know,

But I'm sure
it's excellent, right?

Like, just based on
its scarcity alone,

it's got to be one of
the better cums.

Up there
with unicorn jizz.

You've got to know a dude,
you know what I mean?

You've got
to be a foodie.

So the point is,

my idiot friend says,
"angel cum,"

I agree with him.

We're done talking
about angel cum, we move on.

There's other things
to discuss,

we're there
for a while.

And Crazy comes back out
with these two plates of meat.

And I swear to God,
this is what he said to us,

Verbatim, he goes, "Gentlemen,
this is antelope.

"It was shot two days ago
in Denver, Colorado,

"out of a helicopter,
using a sniper rifle."

[LAUGHTER]

I know. I was like,
"That's the best fucking thing
I've ever heard in my life."

And it was so good.

Now everything I eat has to be
shot out of a helicopter
using a sniper rifle.

Even seafood.
It's getting it
super expensive.

"Circle around, that asshole's
on with them dolphins!"

But there was this sauce

on the antelope,
that I couldn't describe.

I didn't know
where it came from.

Like I told you,
I watched those shows,
but I retain nothing.

So I turned to my friend
and I go,

"Hey, man.

"You know that thing you said

"that angels came out earlier
and jerked off on our food?

"This really tasted like
a bunch of angels, came out
and jerked off on our food."

And he looks at me
and goes,
"Um, I never said that.

"I just said it tastes
like angel cum.

"Why did you make it weird?"

He's right.
I fucking made it weird.

Sure he brought up angel cum
in the first place,

but he never talked about
how it was prepared
or presented.

Right? In his squeaky clean
scenario, it very easily

could have
arrived at our table

in a glass jar
with Paul Newman's face.

But no.

I had to bring
the angels into it all.

[VOMITING NOISE]

What the fuck
does that say about me,

that when you mention angel cum,
that's where my brain goes?

And I think it's because
I like my food

farm to table.

Yeah, that's a foodie term.
I'm well aware of that.

Turns out I might be a foodie.

Because if you're going to
present me with angel cum,

I want to know two things.

Is it sustainable?

Is it cruelty-free?

Super important.

I don't want to picture
a bunch of angels
trapped in a cage.

They can't even
stand up straight,

they're all hunched over

chicken wire pressing
their little angel heads.

They're all getting bald spots
next to their halos,

and they can't climb out
because the farmer put
a cinder block right there.

So they're like...

[CLUCKING]

These are angels from books,

with beautiful,
majestic angel wings.

And they can't spread 'em
because right next to him
is another dude going,

"I'm fucking
working here, asshole."

Depressing conditions.

I think Sarah McLachlan
should write a song.

That's right, about the plight
of the masturbating angel.

For just 75 cents a day,

you can stop angels
from having to masturbate
behind restaurants.

"The hands of an angel."

If this stupid joke has a point,
it would be this.

I want
free range angel cum.

Yeah.

I want my angels to do
whatever the fuck they want
during the day

and then, at night
come to your table,

because they have a job
and responsibility.

They'll be like,
"Hey, how's it going?

"Do you gentlemen
live here in Chicago?"

I'll be like, "No, but
I fucking love coming here."

Wink.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

All right, girls...

Hey, hey!

Come on, guys.

Angels, everybody!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Yeah. Oh, yeah,
that just happened.

Fuck yeah,
that's just happened.

Guess what? I got to do
like 20 more minutes.

Yeah, what
a fucking idiot I am.

Hotels are weird.

I have to reiterate.

I'm on the road all the time,

and, you know, sometimes
I stay in nice ones.

I'll tell you where later.

Has nothing to do with me.

But sometimes I'll wind up
in shitholes.

I was in Edmonton, Alberta,
Canada,

and I love it up there.

But I stayed in this
really old hotel/casino.

Super rundown.
It's full of ghosts.

And then
I made it worse

by clogging the toilet.

Yeah. Nothing
makes you feel worse
about yourself, you guys,

than clogging a toilet.

Because that's even
a toilet going, "Nah.

"I'm good.

"You're going to have to
figure something else out,
you fat fuck."

I'm like, "Fuck you, toilet!

"Your only job as a toilet
is gulp down all my turds

"no questions asked."

But somehow I was able
to create a shit so heinous,

made this particular toilet
draw an invisible
line in the sand.

He's like,
"Thou shall not pass."

Fuck you, toilet.

Because if I'm at home
and I ruin a toilet,

and I have,
I mean, look at me,
I fucking destroy toilets.

My body was built
to do damage to toilets.

At home,
I have a plunger.

I have more than one bathroom,
so I have more than one plunger.

It's the worst brag ever.

"Doing pretty good, you guys.
I got a couple of plungers."

What a dick.

But since I'm
in Edmonton, Alberta,

I now have to involve
total strangers.

Didn't have my plunger.

Should. Should travel with it.

Because I had to call downstairs
and involve this woman

in well,
my drama upstairs.

So I do. I go, "Hey."

"Clogged toilet."

Canadians
smile in real life.

I'm pretty sure I shed a tear
at the end of that sentence.

A true story,
I made a simple request.

All I said to her
after that, I go,

"Hey, can you please
send a dude up?"

I should have been
way more specific.

Because that's all she did,
send a dude up.

Not a dude with a plunger,

or a plan
or a fucking idea.

Just a dude.

I swear to God,
he just showed up

and looked at it, and went,
"Yep, that's gross."

And he left.

He just checked it out once.
"Sure enough, nasty. Later."

Like he was just doing
shit recon or something.

Like he reported to
a superior officer downstairs.

Like, "Sir,
that toilet is FUBAR, sir."

So now I'm sitting with
a FUBAR toilet, and I'm like,

"Well, we only got to be here
two more days."

Might as well name you.

How about
Old Turdy Bastard?

I love '90s hip-hop.

So me and big baby shitters
are sitting there.

There's a knock at the door.
Another dude is there now.

Like, the first guy quit,
I guess, right?

Like that's all
I could figure out.

I think he went downstairs
and, "Fuck this. Another fatass
from LA clogged our toilet."

Throws the keys
on the table,

but they're still
attached to his pants,

so he's like,
"I took some steam
out of that."

Second guy
knows why he's there.

He's got a plunger.

I'm so relieved.

But you will not believe
what he said to me.

I still can't believe it.

He looks at me and goes,
"Where is it?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Right? "Where is it?"

Where the fuck
do you think it is, dude?

Go back.

What did she tell you
I clogged?

You want to make a game of this?
I love games.

We'll get my Dungeon Master
on the horn,

and he'll send us on
the quest for the troll's turds.

[CROWD CHEERING]

So I get depressed,
is my point.

Last year, I was at the height
of my depression

and I was on the road a lot,
and I was in New York,

and I was
30 pounds heavier.

I was just in a bad place,
and I was in Times Square.

I love New York.

But I fucking
hate Times Square.

Fuck that place
in its dirty hobo butthole.

Fucking makes Orlando
seem awesome.

Times Square is so gross,
it's just super touristy now.

There's not the porn
that there used to be

when it was like
the war years time.

That was awesome.
Now it's gross.

There's like a fucking
two-story Sbarro there.

Sbarro, the shittiest
Italian food you've ever had.

You're at the mall,
and you're like,

"I guess I'll eat Sbarro

"and then I'll go to my car
and eat a gun for dessert."

Has anybody ever been
in a Sbarro and been like,

"I wish this place
was two storys.

"So my asshole friends
could cram in here
and have fucking Italian food

"that makes Olive Garden
seem not like poison."

There's a fucking M&M store
next to the Sbarro.

M&Ms, your fifth
favorite candy.

Who gives a fuck?

And yeah, man, I have more
than five favorite candies.
Don't judge me.

You don't get to.

I'm eating treats

in the middle of the day
overlooking Times Square.

I'm depressed, man.
I'm having a bad time,
I'm treating it up.

I'm watching
The Avengers.

Yeah.

Noob.

Yeah, because that's the way
you should watch that movie.

We should have been allowed
o have our dicks out
during its theatrical run.

Because when Hulk
beats the shit out of Loki
in that first one,

fuck yeah, that's a fucking
dick-out moment for nerds.

"Hulk smash. Indeed."

Send that trickster God
back to Odin broken.
Fuck him.

So I'm just sitting there,
to recap, eating treats.

Fat, gross, naked,
and old.

I have to pause the movie
halfway through,

because Grandpa
had to pee.

'Cause my body doesn't work
the way it used to.

As I got up and walked
to the hotel bathroom,

true story,

I farted,

on every step.

[LAUGHTER']

Yeah.

Every step I took
with my stupid fucking feet

was interrupted
or highlighted, rather.

My therapist
wants me to be positive,

I'm working on it,

highlighted, by a loud
gross fart.

So for reals, I'm just
this naked, stinky Sasquatch
stomping through my room.

Fucking...

[FARTING NOISES]

Now I'm 15 years old
in my head.

So when I started farting
on every step, I was having
a good goddamn day.

In my head
I was like...

[GIGGLING]

"Am I really gonna fucking fart
on every fucking step?"

Like I spoke in depression
earlier,

but as soon as farting
came to town,

depression jumped out
the fucking window.

But that's not why...
Like, in my head,

I've been talking about,
you know, self-hatred.

That's what happens.
Like, that amusement
lasts a little while.

In my head,
it's like a switch is flipped,
and I go from,

"Ha, am I really going
to fart on every fucking step?"

to "Oh, my God, am I really
going to fucking fart
on every fucking step?"

Yeah!

I hate you, body. You're
the worst body
anybody's ever had, body.

I should throw you
out the window
and try to hit the M&M store,

you fucking human turd.

And I get to the bathroom,
and the last part is
totally uneventful,

just like... "Meh."

Like my asshole yawned.

Like I literally
ran out of gas.

[ALL CHEERING]

Please don't have angels
come out and fart on us.

Please don't. Please don't!
Oh, My God!

And I'm standing there
red-faced and mad

because I can't remember
why the fuck I came into
the bathroom in the first place.

And the entire room
reeks behind me.

Like it smelled like
a garbage fire in there.

I still have no idea
why security didn't pound
on my door and go,

"What are you
cooking in there?"

I would've been like,
"sadness."

"Come on in.
Take off your clothes.
We're watching The Avengers."

Serial killers
are pussies.

Yeah, I'm going to go from that
to serial killers.

Stay with me,
people covered in fake jizz.

[GROANS IN DISGUST]

Serial killers
are pussies,

and I'll tell you why.

Because I've read about a lot
of America's
famous serial killers.

And most of them
pick easy targets,
in my eyes.

A lot of serial killers
pick, like, prostitutes,

which I think are
super easy to kill.

I'm guessing,
just based on nothing.

We'll move on. Anyway...

Famous guys did that first.
Some serial killers did that.

Then there's a guy
like John Wayne Gacy.

John Wayne Gacy
killed young men
and little boys.

Fucking terrible,

but super easy,
I'm guessing.

You just pull up in front
of some school, and I could
get nine at once.

Just be like,
"Hey, guys, I got old Nintendo."

If you're like,
"Old Nintendo's gay,"
I'm like "Shut up."

Just hanging out of
a fucking white van,

just wearing a bloody apron
and a hard on,

just fucking...

[GRUNTS]

Just playing whack-a-mole.
"Get in the van."

Some teacher
runs over, horrified,
going, "Can I help you, sir?"

I'm like,
"No, I've got this."

Horrifying, right?
But easy targets.

One of my favorites,
Ed Gein...

And nobody? Nobody's going to
fucking give Ed Gein
a little love?

Some heavy metal people,
you know Ed Gein.
Slayer wrote about Ed Gein.

Anyway, that dude
killed his mom.

Oh, my God,
it's so easy.

I could have killed my mom
a million times.

I was just in Hawaii
with my entire family.

I could have killed my mom
60 times in Hawaii,

just doing
simple Mister Ed.

Like, "Hey, Mom,
another one of
those ABC stores."

And she'd be like, "Oh, I have
to get a necklace for Karen."

Fucking... clunk,

stab, bury.

"Who the fuck is Karen?"

One of my favorites...

Yes, I have favorites.
Come on.

I read some
dark shit, you know.

I'm a metal kid.

I grew up
on horror movies.

Richard Ramirez
fucking terrified me
when I was a teenager.

Fucking terrified me.
The Night Stalker.

Yeah. He named himself
after the AC/DC song,
Night Prowler.

He couldn't even get
two words right.

What a fucking chimp.

That dude, he would kill people
in their sleep.

Super disturbing,
but also fucking easy.

Like you wake up,
and you're like...

"Hey, I don't know
that skinny Mexican guy."

He's like "Stab, die,
bye-bye. "

Fucking terrible.

And, by the way...

Uh...

AC/DC, if you know that song,

Night Prowler, is the last song
on Highway to Hell.

That's the last song
that Bon Scott recorded.

I mentioned
Bon Scott earlier,

he's one of my heroes,
I fucking love Bon Scott,

that's the last song
he recorded.

And then, if you know,
if you're a total
AC/DC nerd like me,

the last thing he says
at the end of that album,

Night Prowler ends,
and then he...

because it's 1979 at the time,
there's a popular show on TV.

He goes out of nowhere
after a song about
killing people,

he goes
"Shazbot! Nanu nanu!"

'Cause fucking Mork&Mindy
was the biggest shit ever then.

I mean, he doesn't know
that's his last recorded words,

because he fucking died
after that.
And that's his last...

And I like to picture
Richard Ramirez

sneaking into
somebody's house,

and you wake up
and you're like,

"What the fuck?
You don't live here.

And he's like,
"Shazbot! Nanu nanu!"

Fucking terrible.

But the point
of this joke,

is that I think serial killers
should kill people
that are hard to kill.

All those people
I mentioned earlier? Easy.

I think they should
pick hard targets.

If there are
any serial killers in here,
odds are probably high,

at least one of you, pick people
that are hard to kill.

Prove it to all of us,
serial killer.

Like, kill
a mixed martial arts guy.

I love
mixed martial arts.

Clearly, I do not
partake in MMA,

but I will watch
the shit out of MMA,

if I can be sitting
in my underwear, eating
peanut butter out of a jar.

That looks super hard.
Those gentlemen are
really sweating.

Go after an MMA dude,
go to fucking Home Depot

on a Sunday, climb out of
your serial killer van,

you see a dude in
a Ford pickup truck
with a tap out sticker.

he's wearing
the Affliction shirt...

Sure.

Yeah.

Dude's rocking a medium.
He's really an XL,

but he likes the way
the medium fits.

Shows all the shit
he's been doing for the ladies.

Go up to that dude,
pull up your serial killer van

and go. "Hey, get in the van!
I'm a serial killer."

He'd be like,
"I don't think so, brother."

I'd be like...
[BLOWS RASPBERRY] Dead.

Or pick somebody
really hard to kill.

Like fucking veterans.

Yes.

I love veterans.

You have
the right reaction.

Like, "Dude, we're not
going with you on that."

Like, "Shut the fuck up,
Posehn. Don't make fun
of veterans."

No, I'm not.

I fucking love veterans.

I know some
badass veterans.

When I got out of high school,
two of my best friends,

they joined the military,
they went and did some shit
they can't talk about.

And then I grabbed
a microphone

and start yelling
about my farts into it.

They are clearly
the better men in this story.

What about
your grandpa?

Came back from Korea,
hasn't killed anybody
in 60 years.

But he remembers how to.

And he's thought
about it a lot.

Like, your grandma
has come so close

to ruining Christmas

by saying
one more thing.

Go up to Grandpa,

Thanksgiving morning.
Wake up and go. "Hey, Grandpa.

"I just decided
I'm a scary serial killer,
and you're my first victim."

And he's like,
"I don't think so, queer bait."

He pops out
of his wheelchair

and fucking chokes you
with his colostomy bag.

And the final thing you hear
your grandfather say to you is

"You're gonna outdo me?

"outdo me, you fourth grade
Jeffrey Dahmer.

"How are you gonna outdo me?
I went to Korea."

"What are you gonna...
Do your best, boy.

"You're going to cut
my belly open?

"You're gonna turn my skull
into a cereal bowl?"

"I don't think so.
I went to Korea.

"I snuck out of a POW camp
in a pile of dead bodies."

"I had to wear my best friend's
skin for three days, 20 hours,
15 minutes and 45 seconds.

"What are you
going to do to me?"

"I saw my general play
Flight of the Bumblebee

"on a piano made
entirely of the bones
of 14 Korean boys.

"That's some scary shit.

"Now I'm choking you out
with my colostomy bag

"and I'm going to
bury you in turds,

"'cause that's
what I think of you."

[CROWD CHEERING]

[ALL APPLAUDING]

I love you, Grandpa.

So balls are disgusting.

Um...

I think balls are gross.
I mentioned them earlier.

My balls are terrifying
to look at.

But I think
all balls are nasty.

Like, if you look
at a little boy's balls...

Ask him first,
and don't get weird on me.

Seriously. I shot jizz on you.
Well, I didn't.

Two dudes came out,
shot jizz on you.

I just did a serial killer joke
where veterans fucking
strangled their grandson.

And then I started
a joke about kids
and you guys tighten up.

I have a little boy.

[LAUGHTER']

No, no, I know,
it's got weird.

He's my son.

I realize it's super important
to make that distinction,

when you look like me.

You cannot run around with
a face like this
attached to your body,

yelling, "I have a little boy."

People get super question-y
and arrest-y and shit.

I do.

He's my son.

My wife and I made him
from our parts.

He's six years old.
He just turned six.

Yeah, come on.

[ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

He's awesome.

We made it to six.
Like if you're a parent,

you know, that's like
a big accomplishment.

Like "We didn't kill him.
He made it to six!"

Because that first year,
especially that first year
when you have that baby,

every time you hold that baby,
you're like, "Oh, My God,
don't fucking die!

"My God, don't die.
When I set you down, don't die.

"Don't die while I feed you.

"While Mommy's at work,
don't die.

"That's probably
most important."

Like if we're going to make
one big rule,
"Don't die on my shift."

How about that?

That worked out,
he made it to six.

And he's... I love him, man.

He's a badass.

And he's fucking hilarious
and he's nude all the time.

Yeah, it's like living
with a little crazy nudist.

Naked dude most of the time
just running around, dong out.

The only reason

my son wears clothes

is it's required by law
when you bring a child

to California Pizza Kitchen,

that they
cover their nuts.

If he could be balls out
at the fucking CPK,
he would.

I know that about him.

I get it. I would too.

Nude all the time.

He teabagged me.

[FAINT LAUGHTER]

Yeah.

And not the political way.

In case there's old people here.

No, no, balls in mouth.
He teabagged me.

Yeah.

Oh, you thought it was
the other kind of teabagging?

No.

Balls in mouth.

The worst way to wake up,
by the way.

Yeah, and I've woken up
some shitty shitty ways

in my 49 years
of waking up every goddamn day.

I grew up in California
like a lot of you.

I've woken up to earthquakes,
fucking terrifying.

Grab your weed
and you run out of the house.

When I was 17,

my mom kicked me
out of the house
because I was a dick.

She was right. I was
a giant dick.

Moved in with my German
grandfather in Sacramento.

He was
a bigger dick than me.

That's where I inherited
my dickishness.

While I lived with
my grandfather,
he had one simple request,

and that was this,
that I get a job
while I lived with him.

Not an unreasonable request
by any stretch,

but the way he went about it
was super uncool.

He would wake me
if I slept past 9:30.

He would wake me
by pouring water on my face.

One morning I missed
the first wake up call,

slept through it,
now it's 10:05.

My grandfather has dragged
a hose into the house,

I swear to God,
turns the hose on me.

I wake up thinking
the world was ending,

and had to clean up
the fucking mess
my grandfather made.

Still not as bad as having
five-year old balls dragged
across the sleeping mouth.

My son teabagged me,
you guys.

I cannot put
too fine a point on this.

It's not like he knew
what he was doing.

It wasn't out of
maliciousness at all.

He was five at the time.

He never played Halo.
You know what I mean?

He's never been
on Xbox Live at 02:00
in the morning,

going, "Fuck you, noob! Ha-ha!"

But he fucking knew what to do.

And the true story is,
this is what really happened,

he was just trying
to climb over me...

so he could wake up my wife,

I swear to God,

so they could wish me
a "Happy Father's Day."

[CROWD LAUGHING]

Yes.

-[APPLAUSE]
-Oh, you're right.

Worst Father's Day ever,
by the way,

because when you wake up
with your little boy's
balls in your mouth,

that day does not
suddenly turn awesome.

That day is ruined.

The Guitar Center
gift certificate

and fucking happy-face
"Dad! Dad!" pancakes

are not going to
turn that shit around.

That day is a botch,
in D&D terms.

He'll be like 25,
and I'll be like,

"Thanks for ruining
Father's Day, dick."

He'll be like
"I don't remember."

I'll be like, "I fucking do."

But he's my best friend.

You know, I don't mean
to be corny, but it's true.

And if my best friend
from college,

had put his balls
in my mouth,

I wouldn't be here.

I would still be in San Quentin
for biting off my best friend's
balls with my fucking mouth.

[APPLAUSE]

Yes.

But since my current best friend
came from these balls,

it's adorable.

You guys are
so fucking awesome, man!
Thanks so much!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Dude, you fucking
killed it.

Dude, it was
so fucking wild.

They were awesome, man.

Where did you
get those angels?

What angels?

[ANGELS MOANING]