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And this, Clara my darling, is a mandrill.

One of the larger baboon, commonly known as the Blue Nosed baboon.

Blue Nosed?!

Blue... Oh, my...!

Yes. Well, now... now here we have the ruminant quadrupeds,

the cud chewing variety.

Er, slightly reminiscent, if I may say so, of your dear mother.

Mr Harris! - Sounded like your mother.

Clara.

Mr Harris.

Great Scott, it is your mother!

Well, Clara.

- Well, Mr Harris. - Well what, Mrs Willis?

- You know, perfectly well, well what. - Oh, that.

It's nearly an hour since I allowed you

to have a quiet walk with Clara unchaperoned.

I hoped you would have had some happy news for me by now.

Er, no. Er, really?

When I agreed to a long engagement, Mr Harris,

I didn't mean an indefinite engagement.

Do you realise the harm that this prolonged courtship

is doing to poor Clara's reputation?

That's bad, isn't it?

I shall not allow you to see Clara again

until you have something definite to say to me.

You mean, name the day?

As you so crudely put it. Clara.

- Yes, Mama. - Mrs Willis...

- Clara. - Yes, Mama!

I shall expect to hear from you tomorrow, Mr Harris.

Mrs Willis, you can't leave me in this ghastly predicament.

Perhaps nature in her many forms will help you to come to a decision.

Perhaps she will.

Oh, dear!

Now what am I going to do?

Must have a drink.

Well, Montmorency, shall we have another?

Right.

- Same again, please, Florie. - Right, love, coming up.

- And one for me, too, Florie. - Hello, Harris.

Oh, J, thank goodness you're here.

- I've got to get away. - Why, what have you done?

It's not what I've done, it's what I haven't done.

Clara's mother's after me again. Well, you can't blame her.

You must admit you are the sort of fellow who, well, shall we say,

- enjoys a long engagement. - Well, of course I do.

It keeps me out of...

worse trouble.

Ah, the time comes sooner or later when we all have to take the plunge.

But, J, not yet, not yet!

I've simply got to have a breather.

Harris... that's exactly how I feel.

You too, J, a happily married man?

Now, now, now, don't misunderstand me.

There's nobody in the world for me but my darling Ethelbertha, you know that.

We haven't had a cross word in seven years.

It's just that I'd like...

- Some sort of a breather. - Yes.

Mmm.

Have you ever thought about the river?

It's crossed my mind several times during the past hour.

But it's such a long jump from Westminster Bridge.

Yes. You know we've always planned a holiday on the river.

By Jove, so we have.

That holiday, old Father Thames.

Just imagine drifting slowly down the river to Oxford.

Peace, tranquillity, changing scenery, fresh air.

The glorious smell of bacon sizzling over a wood fire.

- Yes, in the early morning. - Not too early.

Sunny days, cool evenings,

little villages nestling in the riverbanks.

Little village pubs nestling in the little villages.

Think of it, Harris. Just a boat and a couple of oars.

Yes.

No, no, no, I'll take the rudder. You're the oarsman.

George is better. George! He starts his holiday next week.

We couldn't possibly go without George.

Well, let's tell him.

We can just catch him before it shuts.

One with the road?

- No. - Sure?

Sure. Come on. Come on, Montmorency.

Oh, it's shut. I'm sure it's shut.

Oh, yes. That's torn it.

By, er, two minutes.

- Well, what are we going to do now? - I know. This way.

- Well, where are you going? - It's all right, it's all right.

There he is.

- George! - I can see him.

George! George!

- Hello, George. - George.

Why, good afternoon, gentlemen.

Nice day for a robbery. Any offers?

If I throw you the keys, do I get a cut?

No, no... George.

You... you start your holiday next week, now, don't you?

That's right. To be precise, the day after tomorrow at one o'clock.

Two glorious weeks.

- Yes. -"Glorious" is the exact word.

We've fixed everything.

We're going on the river.

Oh, you may be but I'm not.

- Now, don't be a-- - It's all planned!

- Yes. - Well, if you're referring to my holiday,

it certainly is most carefully planned.

Now listen.

I'm taking Maisie to Margate. I've set aside two days for that.

Lucky girl.

George, you know we always planned a trip on the river.

- The three of us together again. - Exactly.

- Just like the old days. - Marvellous, yes!

- The good old times! - Yes.

Well, the good old times are now, boys.

You know, then I thought I'd take Effie.

Oh, that must be Effie now.

Can't keep 'em off the phone.

Bless 'em.

Hello? Hello, George.

- Oh, hello, Effie my sweet. - What did you say?

- This is Rose! - Oh, hello, Rose darling.

Er, no, Rose darling, I didn't say Effie.

Got the names wrong! What?

- You don't want to see me, I know! - No, I never...

- There must be somebody else! - Oh...

- But there's no one else, I tell you. - ...Father, he's gone off at the deep end.

- What?! - Father's got out his riding crop again.

- He's... he's got what? - He says he'll pound you to a jelly.

A jelly?!

- What he's doing with a jelly? - Yes.

He says you've been messing about with me too long.

- George... - Messing about?

Playing around with my affections.

Your what? I never!

Playing around with what?

He said he's going to wait outside your digs all night if needs be.

I... I say, this is going a bit far, isn't it?

He says you have gone too far, and you have.

- I... I... I... Now, look here... - He can't seem to get rid of her.

- I'm going away, urgent business abroad. - Well, charming.

Just have to put the whole thing off, I suppose.

- Or go without him or... - When do we start?

What?

Saturday!

I'll see you then.

Well, that's fixed George.

That's wonderful. He changed his mind quickly, didn't he?

Well, let's make some lists. We'll have to take some stuff with us, you know.

Oh, Charlotte, I... I told you not to ring me here at the bank.

What?

Tonight? No, no, I'm going away. I...

No. No, three men.

Yes, but this time it's true. I...

Oh, and don't call me here again whatever you do. Goodbye.

I'm so sorry, Mr Quilp.

Sir?

How many have there been today?

- Four. - Quite.

- I don't know what it is about me. - Neither do I.

Yes, who is it?

No, he is not!

Now listen, George.

- You start your holiday Saturday, right? - Yes, sir. Thank you, Mr Quilp.

Then you'd better use it to sort yourself out.

- Yes, sir. - And when you come back,

- let there be no more of this. - Yes, sir.

- Or there'll be no more of this. - What, no work?

- No work. - All pleasure?

- I mean, you'll be out of a job! - Oh, very good, Mr Quilp.

Yes! Who is it?

Oh...

Good morning, sir.

Mmm?

Oh...

The fact is, Ethelbertha, I'm not very well.

How nice!

What?

- My cousin Katie. - I need a change.

- She says she needs a change. - That's what I said.

She's coming up to London on a shopping spree.

She says, "Can you put me up for two weeks starting... Saturday."

Well, of course we can, J dear, can't we?

Yes.

Yes, I...

I... I might, er... go up the river.

A holiday, you mean?

Well, just for a couple of weeks starting Saturday.

- Montmorency. - Alone? Without me?

I know. You don't like the idea.

Like it?

I think it's a splendid idea.

What?

Now why don't you persuade that nice Mr Harris to join you?

Harris?

Oh, what a wonderful idea!

And there's George.

Yes, well, there's always George, isn't there?

Yes, I think I will.

Oh, what fun you'll have.

And it's so much better than a holiday abroad.

Think of the money you'll save.

You don't mind and you won't be lonely?

But of course not, I shall be too busy taking Katie round the shops.

The shops? What for?

But it's such an opportunity to save more money.

There are some wonderful bargains in the sales this year.

I shall buy myself a complete new wardrobe.

Er, Ethelbertha...

Oh, my poor J. You're quite right, you do need a change.

You look quite pale.

Why hello, Montmorency old fellow. Where's your master, eh?

- Why, George. - Ah, good morning, Mrs J.

- I thought you had to work today. - I have, worse luck.

I just popped in to see them off. Are they ready yet, Mrs J?

That's a new toilet set!

Well, they were ready. Ethelbertha will be furious!

Well, I suppose I'd better get some of this in the cab.

Oh, I don't think so, this is my cab.

Goodbye, darling!

Goodbye, J dear.

Give my love to cousin Katie.

Yes, I will.

And don't fall in!

We won't!

Goodbye, Mrs J. Oh, Ethelbertha!

Watch out for the geezer, it wants seeing to.

Come on, girl, come on.

Now we want one. Oh, there's a cab. Hey, cab!

George, grab it!

Go on then, you go first.

J, you'll squash me melon!

Ooh!

Cabbie!

Do be careful of the paintwork.

Ethelbertha wouldn't like it if you scratched it.

- Ooh, my word, it's heavy! - I wonder if I packed the toothpaste?

I'm not opening it again for anybody. There's far too much in it already.

Yes, it's certainly... - Need any help?

Steady, J!

Why aren't you at the bank?

Had a mishap?

Having a tea party, are you?

Now look, would you kindly put the rest of the stuff on board the cab, sir.

I say, fellows...

You could have broken my back.

Something unpleasant always seems to happen whenever I get mixed up with you.

Hey, what's going on here?

Messy things these tomatoes. Ooh!

Sorry, J, must be overripe.

- Harris? - Uh-huh.

- Oh, George! - Yes?

- Bend over again. - What?

Say, what the...?

Eugh!

Carry this out, will you?

George, give him a hand.

Not me, I've got to get back to the bank.

What time at Hampton Court, about four?

Three o'clock at the landing stage, sharp, George.

I'll be there at four. I'm, er... lunching with a client,

green eyes and red hair.

And don't fall in!

- Harris! - Eh?

Oh!

Careful.

Careful!

Here they come. Look!

Monty!

I know you've got to say goodbye to them but really!

Now then, what's going on here?

Ooh! Get back... Ooh!

- Police! - It's a wedding? He's the bridegroom!

- But what does he want with a melon? - We're going to eat it, of course, madam.

Oh, well held, sir.

Pull on your right! That what I was doing.

You can't expect me to row and aim the darn thing!

You're supposed to do it in theory.

Well, I can't steer if you don't pull now, can I?

We're going backwards.

That's the way to Hampton Court. I was always told that's the way to Hampton Court.

Oh, ha-ha!

Now, don't lose your head, Harris, keep calm.

J! J, get that oar!

- J, the oar's floating away! - All right, all right!

Well, never mind about the oar, get my hat!

- Look, it's floating away! - Well, it's a boater, isn't it?

Wish we'd thought of this sooner, would have saved a lot of time.

And a lot of blisters.

Ah! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

I say, you fellows! It's going to be a bit rough round the bend.

You'd better take your reef in and luff sharp as you go round.

Thank you.

Harris, what's he talking about?

Something about taking in a reef and luffing sharp.

Oh, I see.

- Well, how do you luff? - Luff?

Well, my dear fellow, it's one of the first principles of sailing.

Really?

Can you do it?

Of course I can do it!

The only question is, did that boatman give us a reef when we left?

- Right. - Maybe it's in the scuppers.

Well, where are the scuppers?

Scuppers? Why, there...

in the boat!

What are you...? No, don't...

What? No, do be c...

Harris, you'll have me in in a moment! Harris!

- Oh! - Oops!

I'm... I'm so sorry. I do beg your pardon.

Excuse me, er... Erm...

Erm, is this Hampton Court?

Mmm.

I... I... I'm looking... looking for a boat.

- A boat? - Yes.

You haven't seen one by any chance, have you?

- What sort of boat? - Well, erm...

A sort of boat, well, erm... It's, erm...

Oh, a boat with two men in it.

Yes, and a dog.

Oh, I see, they've all got a dog in them.

You're going to have quite a busy afternoon, aren't you... looking?

All this fuss about whether to row or whether to sail.

It's so simple. Any child of six on the Serpentine could row better than you Harris.

Oh, J, don't keep on at me! I've got the hang of it now.

No signs of George, Harris.

No, trust him to dodge all the hard work!

I tell you what, while we're waiting for him, let's go and see the maze.

Not me! I'm going to have a nap.

But you can't got to Hampton Court and not see the maze!

- I can. - No, but, J, do let's go.

- It'll only take a few... a few minutes! - Harris, what are you doing?

Harris! Harris!

- Pull, Harris! - I can't pull!

- Oh! What was that? - Only Montmorency, Harris.

- Don't fuss. Good dog, Montmorency. - What do you mean, don't fuss?

Oh, quick, do something! Oh!

- Pull, Montmorency! Good dog! - Pull!

Call yourself an oarsman?

I'm in agony here! Ooh!

Pull! Well done, Montmorency!

Oh, dear! Oh, dear!

I'm cooked, I'm done.

It's here, you see? Fellow was telling me about it the other day.

- You sure we won't get lost? - Lost? Don't be absurd!

Besides, my dear fellow, I've got a map.

It's only a maze.

- Well, who's going to pay? - I'll pay for both if you like.

- I'll pay for Monty. - No, no, no.

Two men and a dog.

All we've got to do is to keep turning right.

Wait!

All right!

- Which way do we turn, you say? - Just keep turning right.

- Here you are, you see. Right! - Right. Right.

And right.

Hello, kiddywinkies!

Right again.

And, er...

Hello, Harris.

- Lead on. - There must be another right.

- Another right? - Out of that way, please.

Right.

Here we are, you see. Right.

And now right? This way.

Ah, here's somebody else. Oh, thank goodness!

I say, er, excuse me. Excuse me. Could you tell us how to get out of this thing?

We've been trying for three-quarters of an hour!

Oh, really? My dear madam, it's quite simple.

- I've got the trick of it. - Oh, thank heavens!

Oh, we're saved!

We're just strolling into the middle and strolling out again.

- Oh! - Tag on if you like.

My friend says he knows the way. I hope he does.

Who are we following? Which one is it? Come along.

I never want to see this place again!

Harris, are you sure this is right?

Of course I'm sure! Follow me.

Not too fast. We're all coming. There he goes, don't lose him!

Hey, wait for us!

You see? Still there. This way, this way!

I say, the chap here seems to know the way.

Quite a crowd! Ah, well, the more the merrier!

- Thank you, goodbye. - Oh, come on, Sophie!

- You can't say I've been long. - You've been ages!

But how did you get away, Sophie? -I dropped Mother's card, refused a cup of tea,

a most revolting cake and told Lady Walker the launch had to catch the tide.

Look.

- It's that young man again. - Again?

We'll go straight on, shall we, and run.

We'll find our way to the middle anytime now, J.

I do hope so. I do, really. We've been here all afternoon

and my hubby will be waiting for his tea.

It's a very big maze, isn't it?

- One of the largest in Europe, yes. - Oh, it must be.

We've walked a good three miles already.

Oh, look, there's baby's bun!

He dropped it earlier on.

Well, never mind, madam. I'll buy him another one when we get out.

Oh, no, no, I must have it. Let's see...

Ah, yes! Ahem!

This is the way, yes.

- Harris! - Oh! He has the map.

Right turn only. Fellow looks a scoundrel.

- After him! - Come on, Amy, don't let's lose him!

You don't think he's escaped from somewhere, do you?

I'm beginning to wonder.

He's back!

You don't think he's one of the Hampton Court ghosts?

Well, he's as persistent as Henry VIII.

There's only one thing to do with ghosts.

That's walk straight through them.

Well, how can I help it if the fellow fooled me?

He said to keep turning right. Oh, horsewhip him!

You don't know the way at all, you know!

Throw him in the river!

I'll never see my hubby again, I know I won't!

Oh, there's baby's bun!

No, no, no, no, different bun altogether, madam!

Oh no, it isn't. I'd know that bun anywhere.

So would I. We passed it seven minutes ago.

- She's quite right. - Oh, really!

We're gonna be here all night long, you fool!

Keep calm, everybody!

Don't panic!

Now then, we won't bother about going to the centre.

We'll go to the entrance, won't we, Theobald?

Yes. All right. With me!

If you know where the entrance is!

Of course I know where the entrance is, madam.

We just keep turning left instead of right.

Now then, back to the entrance.

Mind your... ...self, madam.

You can carry the baby.

Well, fancy losing your heel at a time like this.

I can't see why it should be under the bushes.

- Oh, this is dreadful! - It must be somewhere.

Of course it must. It just seemed to fly off.

Oh, Henry VIII.

Why don't you take your other shoe off?

- In public? - He's found it.

See, you've made him cry now. - I can't help it.

I'm just not used to holding babies, that's all.

- Do you think he wants to... - Terrible man!

Oh, my baby! My baby!

Harold and me have just got to get out.

That applies to all of us, madam.

But Harold and me are on our honeymoon.

Gertrude!

How very frustrating for you both. Ooh!

Ooh! There's a man on a ladder!

We're trapped in here with a lunatic!

All right, I'm coming!

Blimey, that's done it!

- Ah! And as for you! - We left you in charge!

Throw him in the river!

I did my best for everybody, didn't I?

No! No! - You forgive me, don't you, my dear?

Oh!

Aah! Ooh! Ooh!

There he is! Oi!

Help us!

Hey! Come over here!

Oi! There he is! Here we are! There he is!

Oh, I wish Hatty was here.

All right, I'm doing me best!

Oh, blimey, it would happen to me on me first day.

Well, I'm here. Where are you? Come and get us out of here.

Hey!

Bluebell...

Bluebell, Primrose, your mama's awake!

- Oh... - Miss Bluebell. Miss Bluebell...

- What a beautiful name. - It's the name of a flower.

Yes, I know, I picked... I mean, I gathered... I mean, I do love bluebells.

Thank you. The heel?

The heel.

May I keep it as a souvenir.

I'd rather you were left with a beautiful memory.

Oh! I think I'm going to faint.

- Ah, Emmy, don't you dare! - Where the blazes is he?!

I'm here.

Well, come over here and stop mucking about!

I can't, I'm stuck.

What?! Can't you push or pull or something?

Oh, it's no use, lady, I'm lost too.

Why, this is monstrous!

You mean to tell us that you can't get to us?

No. I tell you what though...

What? - You come and find me.

My word. This good lady seems to have fainted.

Madam. Madam.

She'll have nightmares after this for the rest of her life!

Oh, dear.

Surely, there must be somebody who knows the way out of this blasted thing.

It's only a maze, isn't it, Harris?

What?

Oh, dear. I shall get me name in the papers.

J, where you going? Don't leave me. They'll lynch me!

Ah!

Monty!

We've lost our dear little doggy.

Monty! Now where do you think you're going?

Monty, wait for us!

- Are you... Are you stuck? - Yes.

- J, he's stuck. Come on! - Will he come out, Harris?

Come on. No! No good, he's there for life. Come on, J.

- J, do you know what you're doing? - Ah! There he is. Monty!

Come on, Harris!

Thank you very much.

- Thank you for the... Oh, dear! - Come on, Harris.

Oh!

Oh, that dreadful woman.

We wouldn't got into this... George, where have you been?

You can do the rowing for the rest of the day. I've had enough.

I say, I wish you fellows would give me a hand.

Well, we exhausted ourselves while you fooled around with those women.

Women? Girls.

The idea of this holiday was to get away from girls, do you remember, George?

Yes, but wait till you see them.

Are we likely to see them, George? -You never know, we might just bump into them.

And soon, if only you fellows would give me a hand.

Keep going as you are, George. - You're doing very well, George.

Carry on.

I say!

Er, she's attached, old man.

Ah, but the end of their tow line isn't.

- The end of their tow line? - What?

George, what are you doing?

I don't think I've ever seen a soppier pair.

They must have been towing somebody or something.

Hey! How long we been towing you?

Only the last half an hour. Thank you.

Thank you very much!

But... But, Henry, where is Auntie?

- Auntie! Oh! - Oh!

Auntie!

Auntie... Auntie!

Let's get it up then!

Look... Look out!

Ooh! Ooh! You nearly had me in!

- For goodness sake, be sensible, Harris. - Give it here then!

We'll never get in that!

Well, you've got to put that on! Really!

Oh!

- Now what? - Well, I'll do the other end.

Don't get in it yet, J! -Well, I can't do both ends at once, Harris!

- For goodness sake, hold on to it! - Now look what you've done!

J, what are you doing?

I'm trying to hold it down!

We don't want to hold it down! We want to stick it up!

Oh, really!

I wish now we'd spent the night at Staines!

It was your idea to push on to Runnymede.

You said it would be romantic to sleep opposite Magna Carta Island.

Yes, I get ideas like that, I wish I didn't.

- So do I! - Come on, Harris!

I can tell you this, as far as I'm concerned,

any old piece of water between a gas works and a coal barge would have done me!

Now, if we can only get the guy ropes up...

- Give it to me now! - ...we can get started!

Harris, what are you doing?!

I'm knitting a cardigan for my grandmother!

I've got to do everything. Right! Give it here.

Now look! Look!

J!

Now we don't want to bring George into this because he's busy with the supper.

He's far more intelligent... Ah, he's gone up in flames!

I say, I wish you fellows would hurry up.

I want my bed. I've had a hard day after all.

You've had a hard day! I like that!

Now, look here, Harris... Did you bang your hand?

Yes!

Well, there's no need for that. It's so simple!

All you do is, you give the peg two sharp taps, hook the guy rope over...

and there you are! Now, could anything be more simple than that?

Right, do the next one.

I thought you said it was going to be simple! -It is simple!

You give the peg two sharp taps, you hook the guy rope over.

I do wish you'd try and be a bit more helpful!

So easy!

Steady. Okay.

We've done it! Victory!

Well done, Harris!

- Now, be very careful! - Oh!

I'm sorry I said all those beastly things to you, J.

It's all right. Perhaps I was a bit impetuous too. -One gets worked up and of course...

Ah... Well, why didn't you tighten yours?

- Well, I didn't tighten it! - Well, you obviously didn't tighten it!

- Look at that one! That one's tighter! - You can't get it tighter than that!

- Well, loosen that one! - Loosen it? What happens when I loosen it?

Well, it's too loose! Well, it's too loose! - It'll fall down!

- Loosen that one! - I tell you, it'll still fall down!

Of course! Oh, for goodness sake!

Look, there's a hood for the boat. Why don't you use that instead?

- Well, does anyone know how to work it? - Well, of course I know how to work it!

Well, I'm very delighted to hear it! -Well, come on then, don't just stand there.

Let's get this blasted... Ooh! Ooh!

- There are five hoops. Now... - Well, let me have them!

Just a moment, Harris, let me first show you how to put them up!

I know what I'm doing. Now, give them to me! - You take these hoops like that, you see?

- Don't put them... - I... I can't help it.

- Now, Harris, do keep your... Ooh! - Ha! Serves you right!

You see, there's one problem... Look!

- My foot! Ooh! - Now, Harris, look...

- Harris, you leave it to me, I'll show you. - You're no good at all!

What do you mean, I'm not good at all? Look at the blasted mess you made of that tent!

- Well, that's a nice thing to say! - Harris, look! Just give it a push!

- That's my one, Harris! - Let go of it!

Put them in!

Well, don't keep hitting me on the head with them!

Well, if you will interfere. I told you to let me do it for you!

Just be careful!

Now, Harris, you...

- Get out of the boat! - All right!

- Aah! Aah! - Now, look what you've made me do!

I've dropped them all in the water!

- Oh, keep still while I get it out! - Get out!

- Get out! - Well, if that's the way you want it!

- Get out of my way! - Oh! Oh! Oh!

Aah! Look what you've done to Harris!

- Oh, my word! Oh, gosh! - You're no help!

Oh! Oh! I'm soaked, soaked to the skin!

Oh... Oh!

- He pushed me in deliberately! - Well, it's a pity you didn't drown!

You get on with the supper. Go on, throw them all in! Every one!

- They're all in the water now! - This one too.

- The hoops. - And that one.

All right! I'm... Come on!

Well, that's not right!

They've sort of got to go across like that and then...

it goes over and then they go underneath! Well, what do you mean?

Well, can't you see you've got it all wrong?

This piece has got to go in here!

Well, that can't be right! But if I'm left alone, I know how to do it!

I mean, it's... it's easy!

Ooh!

It's dangerous like broad sword fighting or something.

Harris! J!

What are you doing?!

Messing about with... - J! Harris!

Come out of there! Oh, for Pete's sake, Harris!

It's all very well to stand there saying clever things.

Harris, you blithering idiot!

J! J!

Please! He's got me!

You never listen to me, you...

Oh, blast this canvas!

J, come and help me.

The trouble with you fellows is you think you know everything!

You just won't listen! The whole thing is so simple. You can just take it down.

I wish Ethelbertha were here. I'm really beginning to miss her.

Good job I've got the missus at home, ain't it, to keep me warm?

Come along now!

Come on now! Goodnight, boys!

Heaven help the sailors on a night like this.

Then go for a warm bed and the missus.

Well, goodnight, all!

Oh...

Achoo! Achoo!

Good-oh, Montmorency!

Oh, well.

Who's going to be first in?

Not me.

I didn't sleep at all well.

I'm going to snooze a little.

Wasn't there something about George plunging into the limpid river every morning?

Yes. I expect it's far too limpid for him this morning, huh?

Oh, well!

Good heavens, J, when did you put that on?

Last night. Don't you remember?

It was going to be one, two, three and in.

All right then.

One, two, three and in!

Well, what are you waiting for?

Well, I think this morning I'll just be content with a nice wash.

- Anybody got the bowl? - No.

Don't wobble, fellows.

- Where are you going, J? - Something I read in an army manual.

Always wash downstream of the men and the horses.

Oh, well.

Come on then, Monty. That's a good fella.

I think we can probably manage to get some down here, eh?

That's the boy.

Try to get some water, shall we? That's the way.

Ahh!

I say, old J's gone in after all. I never thought he'd have the pluck.

What happened, J? Did you fall in?

No! I changed my mind.

You are fools!

No, no, no.

I wouldn't have...

missed this for the world.

Why don't you fellows join me?

Goodness, it's lovely. My word!

- It's lovely. My word! - Here you are, J.

I say, old boy, are you all right? You've turned a sort of blue.

- No, I feel fine. - Well, why not stop in longer?

No! No!

- We'd better pull him out. - Here you are, J.

Come on.

Let's get him in before he congeals.

Hey, hey, hey. Did you enjoy it?

Here you are, J. Here's a towel for you.

It was lovely.

I can't think why everyone doesn't do this every morning.

Well, you can, old man, if you want to.

- Here. Here, get yourself inside that. - Thanks, Harris.

Oh, J's dropped his shirt in the river!

For goodness sake!

Here, use this.

Steady, otherwise it'll be one, two, three and in again.

One, two, three and in!

Well, I... I've just seen the funny side!

It's not my shirt at all!

No?

- No, it's yours. - What?!

One, two, three and in. One, two, three and in.

One, two, three and in.

One, two... No, no!

Monty, stop!

- d Way down among the stars d - d Oh, a life on the ocean wave d

d The home of the rolling deep d Steady on, Harris.

- Hey, what's up? - You're upsetting the swans.

Nonsense! Swans know good singing when they hear it.

That's what I said. You're upsetting them.

Rubbish! d Ho, a life on the ocean wave d

d The home of the rolling deep d

d I... d

- There you are, the bird. - Yes, the bird.

What a perfect day!

Whatever they say about the Continent, you can't beat an English summer.

I think I'll go in from here. Hmm?

Wonderful, isn't it? Really glorious.

Just like we thought it would be.

Well, one thing's certain about this holiday, we won't see any more rain.

Whoops! There we are.

Well, it makes a change, I suppose.

You can't expect sunshine all the time.

Oh, I don't know.

It's good to see the river in all her varying moods.

Nature is beautiful, even in her tears.

I knew a song about a Gypsy once, you know. How did it go?

d Oh, a Gypsy's life for me d

d Where o'er I may be free? d

d And I... d I forget the rest of it.

Anyway, I know this Gypsy enjoyed the rain.

In fact, he said it did him good and he laughed at people who didn't like it.

I don't like this.

Hey, pull for the shore, pull for the shore, lads!

This is no good. Oh, my word!

Well, don't push! I didn't push.

- Come on, give me your hand, Harris. - Ow! I keep slipping! Oh!

- Poor old Harris. - I'm sinking! I'm in up to my knees!

Come on, Harris. Pull!

Harris, come on! You are a clumsy idiot!

Up! Up! Up!

d Only for telling her... d

I knew a chap who went up the river a couple of years ago.

- Oh, yes. - He slept out in a boat

on just a night as this.

Oh, yes.

Caught rheumatic fever, died ten days later. Only a young chap.

He was engaged to be married.

I say, where exactly are we, do any of you know?

Windsor?

Nice hotels in Windsor.

Hotels?!

What do we want with a hotel, of course?

It'd be silly to spoil our holiday just because of a drop of rain.

Drop of rain.

Anyway, hotels are so boring, aren't they?

Yes. Who wants to sit about in a stuffy dining room being waited on?

Yes.

And all that beastly hot food on... hot plates.

And just think of being half smothered in a lovely feather bed.

Oh, well. We're all quite happy then.

d Two lovely black eyes d

Oh, J!

Well, it's better than getting wet.

George, for goodness sake, sit down. What is the matter with you this morning?

Oh, nothing, nothing. Just interested.

Boulters Lock always is exciting in regatta week, don't you think?

It'll be exciting all right if you capsize us. Sit down!

- Well, all right. - Yes, wonderful, isn't it?

Everywhere you look, you see a pretty face.

Well, almost everywhere.

George! Yoo-hoo!

There they are. Hey!

- Who's Hey? - Sit down, George.

It's those girls again.

Yes, he meant to meet them all the time.

J, go on, pull over to them, I'll steer.

Really, George, it's too bad. The last thing wewant is to get mixed up with a lot of girls.

You speak for yourself. I say!

Bluebell dear, where did you meet the young man?

- Who introduced you to him? - Well, Mama, I...

I did, Auntie.

You, Sophie, but where did you meet him?

Oh, I can't quite remember.-Don't be silly, Sophie. It was at Hampton Court.

- Really? - Hampton Court.

Oh! Oh, yes, of course. When I dropped cards on Lady Walker.

Oh, I see, Lady Walker.

Oh, well, that's all right then.

Take your oar out! Out of the gate! I beg your pardon.

Oh, good, they're coming over here. I'll keep this end out.

- George, go forward! - George, we can't get any closer!

Now, now, girls, decorum, please.

- Hello, George. - Hello, Miss Bluebell.

Hey! You blithering idiot!

George, really! - Sorry.

You shouldn't be on the river! - Yes, I'm so sorry.

He offended that gentleman. - Well done, George.

Hi, gentlemen, hey! Please don't move. Let me take your photographs.

No, not now, thank you. Not now, thank you.

Oh, please allow me a unique momentum of a happy occasion.

Why, of course we'd like to be photographed. Why not?

Just half a jiffy and I'll pose them. Come on, George.

Thank you. Splendid. That's very, very kind of you.

- J, come on! - Oh, come on, J!

- Harris, do be careful. That's sharp. - Well, put a good face on it, J.

Just copy me. I'm used to this sort of thing.

Now then, how's that?

Now, quite still, please, while I adjust my apparatus.

Oh, no, no, hold it, hold it. Hold it still, gentlemen.

Just hold it.

Don't move, gentlemen. I shan't be a jiffy.

Oh, dear, dear, dear. That's it, that's it.

Papa, this is George. George, Papa.

How do you do, sir? I'm... I'm delighted to meet you, sir.

How do you do?

Hey, what's the matter, young man? Got a stiff neck?

Oh, no, no, not at all, sir.

Oh, this is gonna be a splendid picture.

I'd like you to meet my friends. That's J and Harris.

- J. - Oh, how do you...

A very, very happy picture.

- How are you? - Sir! Sir, you moved!

Well, upon me soul, where do they think they are, Madame Tussauds?

Now, gentlemen, you must keep still, please. Very good! Very good!

Oh, look! Look at your nose.

Hey, you, your nose! Look at your nose!

Oh, no... - J, it must mean you...

Hey, you, look at your nose, you stupid ass!

Whose nose? What are you talking about?

You must keep still, please!

You three with the dog! Put your nose out, can't you?

I shall push somebody's nose in if he doesn't soon shut up!

Come on! The nose of your boat!

Dear, oh, dear! Oh, that's fine.

Nose! Pull you nose in!

Nose! Nose!

The boat nose!

Ready? Smile now.

Smile! All right, smile!

Oh, calamity!

Harris, let's get away, for goodness sake. Harri...

How do you do?

I say! Oh!

- Miss Porterhouse, I, er... - Clutterbuck.

I'm a cousin.

But you may call me Sophie.

Oh, may I?

I say! Oh!

Sophie.

Extraordinary thing, sir, your being a banker. -Why?

Well, erm, I'm in the banking business too.

I find figures quite fascinating.

Quite?

Yes, I was only the other day saying to my head cashier...

You're head? Oh, I hadn't realised, my boy.

We were thinking of going a little up the river for a picnic.

If you would permit the young ladies to join us.

George, listen to J.

Oh, please, Mama!

Picnic? Well, I don't know.

Of course, Lady Walker is a very great friend of ours.

- Lady Walker? - Shhh!

- Ambrose? - My dear?

The young gentlemen want to take the girls for a picnic.

- You've no objection? - Certainly not, my dear,

so long as I don't have to come to.

I prefer to sit in a bank, not on one.

Hey, George? Laugh!

Your father made a joke.

Your husband, at the other end of the boat.

- Now then, Sophie, be careful. That's it. - Let me help you on.

George! Stop! Do have your photograph taken! I've set my heart on it!

- Oh! Ooh! - Oh, I'm so sorry, Sophie.

- Oh! Oh, careful! - Rocks a bit, doesn't she?

Hold it, gentlemen! Quite still, please!

Splendid!

Extraordinary! It worked.

Ha! Thank you very much, gentlemen. Thank you!

- The picnic basket. - Yes, I always think...

food tastes so much better in the open, don't you?

- Do you? - Yes.

Especially when one's entertaining young ladies.

Are you always entertaining young ladies then?

No, no, we never do anything with girls.

- I mean, I never do. Right, right. - J, go and get the things.

- Right. - Well, shall we all sit down?

- But the grass is wet. - A-ha! I've thought of that.

Ooh! - Oh, Harris!

- I say! Bless my soul. - The rug's wet too!

Oh, oh... Oh, the rug's wet. Oh, just a jiffy.

- This grass is dirty. - Oh, allow me.

- No, here, where I'll have to sit. - I'll clean it up for you.

And here.

- And here too. - Oh, but I...

It's still wet.

It's quite all right. You see, if I sort of put down my waterproof,

- that'll make it sort of... - Waterproof.

...waterproof.

I'm afraid the ham may be a trifle damp.

We got our nose caught, you know.

Yes, but of course you know.

We must have shipped a little water.

Oh, the lettuce is wet too.

Well, isn't it meant to be?

No, it isn't!

Well, couldn't we try wringing it out sort of, er...

Ah, I'll tell you what I do. I'll dry it.

There is a way of doing it like this.

- Ah! Oh! - Oh, I'm so sorry.

I don't feel hungry.

- Neither do I! - Nor me.

Oh, but you must try some of our gooseberry tart.

- Ah, yes, I'll get it. - Yes, yes.

- I'll get this dry. - Is it dry?

We mustn't hope for too much, must we?

Ha-ha! I expect they'll really like this.

It's a really nice one. Just like Mother used to make.

Oh, gosh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh, look! - Oh, golly!

- I'm most frightfully sorry. - Here, let me.

Oh, go away!

- Oh! - Oh, Miss Porterhouse, please let me.

Clutterbuck!

- Oh, Harris! You absolute beast! - Harris, you are careless! Really!

- Well, anyone could trip. - George, how could you?

- Oh, but, but, but I didn't do it. I... - Is your friend, isn't he?

Oh, just look at me!

Just a little cold water's all that's needed.

Why, I remember that Ethelbertha did the same.

More water? No, thank you!

We'll go back to our boat.

- It's dry in our boat. - But I...

Oh, no, but please, Miss Bluebell...

Oh, your dog's been right in!

Miss Bluebell!

- Don't leave! - Primrose!

Miss Bluebell!

Primrose!

That must be their house.

Are you sure? Of course I'm sure.

It's the one they pointed out from the river.

George.

Why couldn't we ring the front doorbell like ordinary civilised human beings?

- Because some of us aren't civilised. - You speak for yourself, George.

For two pins, I'll punch you in the nose.

Afterwards. Now, listen, we must make our peace with the girls.

That must be their window up there.

- Give me that ladder. - Oh, no, you don't.

It's no laughing matter. I'm soaked to the skin! Look!

We only sponged your dress down.

You sponged everything down, including me.

- You two hold the ladder. - Hey, George, George, George.

Oughtn't we to let them know we're coming?

- Well, how do you mean? - Well, I mean, it might be their bedroom.

Yes.

Well, of course, it's their bedroom!

Right.

It's a bit caddish, I mean...

Well, it depends how caddish you want to be, but I'm...

I'm going to be the complete bounder and lob up a stone.

No, Harris!

Who's there? Go away!

We're not alone.

There's a man in the house and he's got a gun.

No. No, Bluebell, don't call anyone. It's us.

Us? Who's us?

George.

- And J, - And me, Harris.

Yes, and you too, Montmorency.

- It's George, - And J.

And Mr Harris.

- They can't come up here. - I'm coming up.

He's coming up. How romantic.

George, how dare you?

We've come to apologise for... for spoiling Miss Sophie's dress.

- Are we forgiven? - I forgive you.

And I forgive J.

Mr Harris will have to apologise to me in person before I do any forgiving.

- Oh... W-who's that? - That's Sophie.

- She's having a bath. - Oh.

Oh!

Oh! I, er...

Of course he'll come up and apologise.

Harris! Come up here and say what a stupid ass you are.

J! He said me.

You're a married man, remember?

I know!

Coming, Sophie.

Any chance of seeing you at the Henley Regatta tomorrow?

Oh, I don't know about that.

Without you, the regatta will not be the same.

What a perfectly angelic thing to say.

Dear Ethelbertha.

Dear Ethelbertha!

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

No, no, no, you can't!

Sorry, Ethelbertha.

Harris! - Oh!

George!

For goodness sake! Harris, look...

Yes? Ahh!

The ladder! Oh! Be careful!

Look out, J!

Oh! George!

George!

Hey, wait for me!

Bravo!

Bravo!

Very good! Yes.

You know, it really is a beautiful sight.

Yes, it is, isn't it? Beautiful.

Harris.

- Eh? - I was referring to the regatta.

Oh, I wasn't. -I must say, Harris looks a beautiful sight too.

Quite an eyeful.

Very good, George! - What time's the next race?

About now. It says four college eights.

By Jove! But there they are!

Hey!

It's those Heys again, J.

No, no, no. It's the girls.

- Look over there - Yes, that's right.

- Hey! - Yes.

Toodle-oo!

Girls, girls! Ladies do not wave.

Well, how else are we to let them know we've seen them?

Well, just incline your head slightly.

Don't be ridiculous, Flora! This is the 20th century.

Hey, come along over!

- Better view! - Hey, George!

- Thank you, we'll come! - Right away!

We can't get across now.

Oh, of course we can. The race hasn't started yet.

You!

Oh, shove off!

Who you telling to shove off? You shove off yourself!

- I'm just going to, sir. - A good job, too!

- Now, Dad... - Dad's a little bit touchy this morning.

Coming here, giving orders! Take that grin off your face!

All clear. Come on. All right, coming!

I say, steady on.

Oh! Oh, Henry, you beast!

Oh, dear.

- Oh, Henry, I... - Gladys, sit down.

- You're rocking the boat. - Oh! Oh, Henry!

D'uh! Oh! You clumsy idiot!

- Look what you've done to my hat! - I'm awfully sorry.

Well, I'm terribly... Why don't you throw mine in?

- What the...? - Uh-uh!

You grinning ape!

- Coming here... - I'm terribly sorry. I do apologise.

What d'you think you're doing?!

Now look what you've done!

Oh, my word.

I'm extremely sorry.

Ooh!

J, I wish you wouldn't argue with people...

Really!

Get it out of the way, I tell you! All right, you mad fool!

Oh, Henry!

Live picture in progress! Sit down! Sit down! Ah!

Henry!

You've taken our view!

I'm very sorry, sir.

- There we are. - I'm very sorry.

I told you this would happen! I told you!

You look at these men all the time!

Inspiring scenes!

Oh, but I say! I say!

Big smile, please! Smile!

Oh, George!

Ooh!

We're on our way! Maybe a bit cheeky!

I say, look, you fellows.

I say!

Great Scott.

Well, that's funny. I thought these fellows were experts.

Well, we're not going past this one.

There's been far too much fooling about and far too little serious drinking on this holiday.

Come on, come on, come on.

Mine's a mild and bitter.

d Way down upon the Swanee River d

d Far, far away d

d Bom-bom-bom, bom-bom-bom-bom d

d That's where my heart is yearning ever d

d Knock on my sweetheart's door d

- Oh, really, Harris! - Harris!

Well, we're in the open.

Tea, I must have some tea!

It'll never boil if it sees you watching it.

Oh, my mouth, it's got a peculiar taste in it.

You didn't put any boot polish in the pot, by any chance?

- He probably did. - I don't think so. Can't remember.

My tongue's all swollen, dying of thirst.

- Pineapple rings in pineapple juice. - Pineapple juice!

- We could drink that. - J, where's the tin opener?

Oh, sorry, I had a look for it yesterday, but Ethelbertha had forgot to pack it.

Forgot to pack it?!

She can't be expected to remember everything.

Well, I'll open it. Here, give it here.

That's far too sharp, Harris. Be very careful.

Harris! Not the scissors.

You'll break them.

You see? I told you so.

Blast! I...

Don't keep moving it!

There must be some way of opening this blasted thing!

George! Now, don't, don't...

Don't be so silly. Now, look, broken crockery.

I shan't have to wash it up now, shall I? -Now you want to open it, don't you, George?

- Of course we want to open it! - Right.

- Just follow me. - That tin doesn't intend to be opened.

George, come and hold it.

And you, Harris, look around for a nice sharp stone.

Now put it there. It's quite simple.

Now put it down on the ground. Now steady, that's right.

Now what the blazes am I supposed to do with this?

Now, look, put the sharp end on there like that.

Hold it quite firmly. Mind your hand.

Now hold it. That's right. That's the stuff.

Well done.

Now what? What? J, don't you think that's rather foolhardy?

After all, we're quite young and in the prime of life.

Now you want the pineapple, don't you?

- Of course we want the pineapple! - Well, will you please trust me?

Now, now, steady, J. - Yes, yes.

You... You sure you know what you're doing?

Of course. Are you quite ready?

- Yes. - Right.

Here we go.

Did... Did you open it?

No, I missed it.

- George! Look at George. - George!

George! Now, George.

George! Now don't be silly, George.

No, don't play about, George. Are you all right?

- Are you all right, George? - Oh, what's happened out here?

What happened? He missed it. Look at it!

Oh, no! No!

Just... Just one little hole.

One tiny little hole. I must have a drink!

Oh, dear, shouldn't have tried that. Ooh! Ah! Ooh!

Now, let's approach this thing logically and sensibly.

- Aah! Aah! Ooh! Ooh! - Oh, logically!

Well, you'll never open it that way.

Hey! Hey, look!

What the...?

Three men and a dog, that's what they said.

You're to come along with me.

And you better put on some decent togs for your appearance.

Come on.

Good gracious!

Ah! So you found them, Thomas.

Yes, sir. Just as you said, sir.

Wandering abroad, no fixed abode.

So I brought them along, sir, as per instruction.

- Quite so. - But, Mr Porterhouse, sir...

Through that door, Thomas. Cook will make you comfortable I have no doubt.

Thank you, sir.

If it's anything to do with upsetting the regatta, sir.

Or Sophie's dress. Or pinching the ladder.

Do you young men drink?

- Drink? - Well...

- Like dancing? Enjoy a party? - Party?

- Well, come on. - Why, aren't these...?

Three more guests, my dear, just arrived.

Oh, er, good evening.

But, Ambrose, did we invite them?

Friends of Lady Walker's, remember?

Oh, yes, of course! Dear Lady Walker.

Delighted to see you!

- Do come in and meet... - Thank you, madam.

Very odd.

Oh! Oh! Oh, that's it.

I always enjoy a spot of tripping the old light fantastic, you know.

Oh!

I think you're the nicest young man I've ever met.

Oh, er... really? I...

Most of the young men they get for me are so ordinary.

- Oh. - But with you, it's different.

Mmm.

You're in a position of equality.

How... How do you mean?

- With Father. You're both bankers. - What?!

Would you like to see some flowers? Yes.

- How far do you intend to go, Mr Harris? - A-hem.

Why, er...

that all depends on you, my poppet.

On me?

You're not suggesting I should risk the river with you again, are you?

But, er, you'd take a chance with me on old jolly terra firma, what, eh?

That has its pitfalls to, I fear.

A-hem!

Oh! Hello, you two. Enjoying yourselves?

- Oh, yes, very much. - Splendid!

Thank you.

Look, J. There's a full moon tonight.

I always feel a little mad when it's a full moon.

And you feel a little mad tonight?

No, no, no, not really mad.

Inspired. The moon gives me inspiration.

Inspiration? To do what?

To write.

Oh...

- Well, perhaps you could write a sonnet! - A sonnet? Yes, I might write a sonnet.

And to whom would you dedicate it?

Well, to my wi...

To someone who looks like you.

Darling, J!

- Miss Primrose. - Oh, you may drop the Miss.

Thank you.

Miss Primrose, I feel I should explain.

I am a married man.

Oh, no!

But I think being married makes a man much more attractive.

Don't you?

Well, I...

Oh! Oh-uhh!

Actually, we're going as far as Oxford, you know, to see a match.

- A match? - Yes, it's Varsity versus Veterans.

- Cricket, you know. - Oh, I don't like cricket.

Don't like cricket! Well, I'm sure you would if you watched it with me.

I mean, I could sit with you and explain the rules and everything.

Oh, a waltz!

Let's dance. It's terribly easy.

Just one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three.

- What's in there? - That's the library.

Anyone inside?

It's full of old friends from Daddy's bank. - Oh.

George, how many banks did you say you've got?

Oh, well, I...

You know, Bluebell, you're looking quite irresistible tonight.

Am I, George?

I'm much better at singing than at dancing, you know.

- Are you? - Sing quite well, as a matter of fact, yes.

I could sing my comic song for you now if I was asked.

Oh!

Listen, everybody. Mr Harris is going to sing a comic song.

Oh, yes, Mr Harris.

Can anyone play the piano?

Ah, Mrs Hargreaves.

- I must stop him! - Oh, let him sing!

- I'm so sorry. - Oh!

You can play the piano, Mrs Hargreaves?

- And you know all Gilbert and Sullivan? - Oh, yes.

Jolly good. Well, now, ladies and gentlemen, it's only an old song, you know.

It's the Judge's Song from Pinafore.

Judge's Song?

Judge's Song from, the... the... the, er... from the other thing.

Anyway, it's by Gilbert and Sullivan

and I hope you'll all join in the chorus.

What?

Intro.

Introduction, of course. Mrs Hargreaves's would like to play an introduction.

Shall we start?!

Yes.

d When I was young I served a term as an office boy at... d What?

I think there's something wrong somewhere.

- I should... - What were you singing?

"The Judge's Song from Trial By Jury, don't you know it?

No, you're not, you silly arse! You're singing the Admiral's Song from Pinafore.

J, I know what I'm singing. I've sang it enough times before.

- Good gracious me. It's the lady. - I think I know what you want.

Oh, do you? Thank you.

d When I was a boy I was called to the Bar d

d I'd an appetite clean... keen, keen and hearty d

d And like young barristers are, I was a very impecunious... d

What is it, Mrs... Mrs Hargreaves? What's gone wrong?

They liked you, you know.

Does anybody else here play the piano?

Well, I'm sorry, Mrs Hargreaves, but you did say that you knew all Gilbert and Sullivan, didn't you?

You silly old... Mrs Hargreaves.

Mr Harris, I think you ought to come down.

No, it's all right, my dear Sophie. I only want another pianist.

Now, surely there's somebody else here who plays the piano.

Who's that? He looks the part.

Oh! But of course!

Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, ladies and gentlemen.

It's quite right. I have been mixing up the two songs.

Yes, it was J who confused me. Yes, thank you, Monsieur.

You are French, aren't you?

No. Japonais. Quelle question!

Well, anyway, it's le un.

- Le premier. - Le un.

- Le premier. - Le premier.

d When I was young I served at a... d

Too low, sir, too low.

Too low, yes. Could you play it higher?

d When I was young... d

I'll never sing it up there! What are you trying to make me out, an idiot?

Un idiot. Ah, peut-etre, oui un idiot.

This pianist is putting me off terribly. I'll get it all right in a moment.

d I washed the door. I... d

Oh, dear. I...

Thank you.

Well, where are you?

My dear fellow, you must play with me. And now it's the chorus.

It's just the last two lines repeated after me. One, un...

- Two. - Deux!

Ah, there you are.

The very man.

Come along, I want you to meet some of our fellow bankers.

George.

- George! - But, sir, you see my friend...

Gentlemen, I want to introduce a young friend of mine, a fellow banker.

- Do you know, Sir Charles Hunter? - How do you do, sir?

- Mr Varvagil. - How do you do, sir?

Oh, and my cousin.

George!

Good...

Excuse me, sir, but my friend, you see.

- J... - George!

- Quilp's in there, I'm done for. - We're all done for, old fellow.

- Harris is singing! - Oh, no, he can't be.

- Oh, she'll never speak to me again! - Come on, George!

d Ah-hah-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha d

I'm only trying to show you what I want.

If you're not going to play what I want, then I'll sing it just... I'll sing it without you!

d When I was young I was called to the Bar I'd an appetite... d

Going already?

How very naughty of you.

Just when there's someone here who's most anxious to meet you.

Lady Walker. Lady Walker.

Hats!

Oh!

Lady Walker.

Oh, golly!

- The three of them picked you up, is that? - Ambrose!

Quiet, Flora! Well?

- No, Papa. - What?!

- We picked them up. - Oh!

Oh, you did?

Well, all I can say is you're much better pickers than most young woman.

Ambrose, I will not stay! -Yes, you will. Sit down and stop snivelling!

But supposing he does something desperate?

Young George? Not he, got too much sense.

- But, Ambrose, he deceived you! - Of course he didn't.

Think I don't know a junior cashier when I see one.

I like his nerve though!

- Oh, then, Papa, you forgive him? - Course I do.

Oh!

Don't moon about, you fellows, in your come, it's lovely!

Of course, Monty's the lucky one, eh? Not having to wear a costume.

Yes, lucky dog.

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

George, why didn't you tell me I was smoking my pipe?

I'd have ruined my dive.

Look out, J. Coming in. Steady, Harris, steady!

Steady, Harris.

Ha! I don't see why we have to wear costumes, do you, J?

After all, there's nobody about.

Well, I say we blow to costumes.

By Jove, J. He's gone in without his.

I say, George!

- Did you think that's wise? - It may not be wise, but it's wonderful!

Yes! It is, isn't it?

Yes, it's marvellous!

An entirely new sensation, I'd say.

Ah! - Harris, you too?

Harris! Harris.

- Come on, J. - No, no. No.

I won't take mine off, thanks very much.

- Come on, J, now, take it off. - No, no.

No, I'd rather not, thanks very much.

- Come on! - No, no, I'd rather not.

Now, don't be an old stick in the mud! Have it off!

Well, what happens if somebody comes along?

Don't be a ninny! We're miles from anywhere.

All right, if you insist. Whoa!

Oh, my Lord!

I dropped it.

What, dropped your costume?

Yes, it slipped through my fingers.

No! No, don't! No, don't!

No, don't! No, don't! You've torn it!

You've torn it!

It's all very well for you to laugh.

But I don't think it's...

Oh, my Lord. Look.

I thought you said we were miles from anywhere!

- Well, so we are. - That's done it.

Oh, dear.

Oh, Mabel, some gentlemen swimming.

Look, darling.

If only I could reach my costume.

Oh!

Can't get mine either.

- Can't get yours? - No.

This is terrible. I'm going blue!

Now, wait a minute. I've got an idea.

Hey, Montmorency. Montmorency, my costume.

Costume, good dog, costume!

Costume! No, no, no, Montmorency!

Costume!

- Clothes! - Rug!

Montmorency! Mackintosh! Anything!

You're only confusing him.

I've never been so cold!

Oh, Montmorency, you numbskull!

- Coat, you fool, coat! - Oh, you canine idiot!

- Blanket! - No, no, no, Montmorency!

Hey, I've got an idea. Hey, fellows.

Come on, follow me. Round the other side.

I say there, ladies. Do you know there's a bull in that field behind you?

Oh! Where?

Oh! Oh!

Where? I can't see one.

Well, it's all very well for you. W-W-What about us?

Yes, Harris, for pity's sake.

All right, leave it to me. Hey, ladies!

Do you know there's a snake in that tree above you?

Come on, George.

Where?

Quick, get me out, I'm going numb.

All right, all right. Hey, ladies, you're sitting on a wasps' nest!

No, we're not!

They've cottoned on, I'm afraid. - Oh, dear.

- Well, you must do something! - All right. All right, J.

Hey, ladies!

My friend in the water hasn't got a bathing costume on.

- He's now going to get into the boat! - Yes!

Of course, there's nothing to this sailing business really, is there?

The wings of the rushing wind bear you onwards, you know not where.

The clouds so close above your head are brothers.

You were a part of nature.

Your heart throbbing against hers.

I wish mine were throbbing against Bluebell's.

Really, George!

Beautiful evening.

Extremely peaceful.

Don't talk so much.

We're like three knights in some old legend,

sailing across a mystic lake into the unknown realm of twilight,

where all is peace and silence reigns.

Where's my rod? That's not my rod!

Why you...

My word! Much travelled old gentlemen, eh?

Darling, you must look at this one, isn't it lovely?

Oh, it's so pretty. It's enchanting. But look.

I shall never forgive him for this.

May I see the photographs, Mother dear?

- J said they had fun at the regatta. - Fun, huh?

We'll soon put a stop to that.

- But Mother... - Don't Mother me.

I've always known that man was a Cassanova.

- Oh, now Mrs Willis. - Oxford, this letter says.

"Cricket match on Tuesday." Why, that's tomorrow!

Clara, we shall take the first train.

And if you know what's good for you, you will come with us.

Yes, I think perhaps I'd better.

Oh! - What's the matter, Ethelberta?

I've just thought.

Do you think you could lend me the fare?

Clear the pitch!

We might as well shut them out of our minds forever.

Well, who wants girls when there's cricket?

Quite right, J.

George!

Mr Harris!

- J! - I knew they'd come!

Hello, Miss Bluebell. J, Harris, she spoke to me.

As if we'd missed the chance of seeing you again.

How did you get here?

Well, we told Papa everything. He quite understood.

- And about Lady Walker? - And the ladder.

- And the gooseberry tart. - Well, in that case...

Wheeeee!

Golly!

I don't believe he's here at all.

Or if he is, he's hiding from us.

- But, Mother, why should Mr Harris do that? - Why indeed?

- Perhaps they've being delayed. - Perhaps, but by what?

Or by whom?

- Where did they go? - They just disappeared.

Oh, here we go. Good luck.

Very, very, very good luck.

Plenty of runs today for both of us, old boy.

Well, good luck to us.

The trouble is, all men look alike on a cricket field.

There's no one like George.

We'll look in here.

If we don't find him inside, we may expect the worst.

Spread out over there.

Hey, hey, get down.

- That was a good glass of port that. - Yes, I agree.

- Tried the claret? - Pretty good. So is the brandy.

Oh, yeah, I agree.

I say, if we want to get to the wicket we should bear right a bit.

- What? I didn't hear. - The wicket, bear right.

Oh, I see what you mean, yes.

That's funny.

There are 14 men on the field.

You saw it, too. I thought I had a beer too many.

Well, maybe we did. Oh, well, it's only a friendly.

They're counting.

They're counting!

- Will you take first ball? - Do I what?

First ball, old chap. There.

Oh, yes, thanks very much. That's very good of you, very good of you.

Crabtree!

- What is it? - Round here!

Oh, yes! Yes, thanks very much. Oh, yes, yes.

- Yes. - Now, what do you want?

What do I want? What do you want?

Your guard.

All right, fire away.

Oh dear, that onion sauce was good.

Excellent.

Would you care for a Bismol's tablet?

All right, fire away.

Hey, Bascombe!

Oh, now then what is it?

Oh!

How many fielders has this fellow got?

I made 13.

Too many classes of port, that's your trouble.

Hey, J. Look, Monty. Monty.

Stay there, Monty. Stay there.

That's right.

Hey, Good-Mauley!

Can't get a ball away with 16 men in the field.

Something fishy going on, 16 men in the field.

Montmorency, go away. Do you hear me?

Nonsense. There are 12.

And one of them's a dog.

There you are. What did I tell you?

Silly old fool. Never mind. Come on, let's get on with it.

I shan't turn out next year if Crabtree's playing up.

Montmorency, did you... Go away!

Come on, you've hit it! Run!

Get out of the way!

Monty! Monty!

Monty! Monty!

- Come here! - Monty!

- There's Mr Harris. - And George.

And J. They're all here.

- But what do we do now? - Keep running.

I knew it!

Why look, there's Mr Harris.

Come on, after you, dear old boy.

Montmorency!

Montmorency!

- George! - Harris!

George!

Speak to us!

Hello. Hello, Sophie.

See you later, Sophie.

That's right. Jolly good.

The upmost importance really. See you later.

Don't go for far.

Why, Mr Harris.

Why, Clara!

Fancy seeing you here.

- Ethelbertha. - Clara, how well you're looking.

Yes, but where have you been?

Mr Harris, may I ask what you were doing out on that field?

Er, us?

- On the field? - Why, we were playing cricket.

There were 14 men on that field today.

It's quite simple. We... We... We...

Oh...

- J? - In we go, darling.

Now what is it?

- Mrs Willis, would you like some tea or... - Well, it's hot.

I thought a little refreshment.

We're a little tired. We... We felt like a... like... like a rest.

Before I move a single step I insist on knowing what's going on.

I am very far from satisfied with your behaviour, Mr Harris,

very far from satisfied.

We arrive here and what do we find?

That you are not as...

Why, good gracious!

The Porterhouse daughters

- and Sophie Clutterbuck! How delightful! - Good afternoon, Mrs Willis.

- How pretty you're looking. - How do you do, Mrs Willis?

These dear girls' father is a very old friend of mine.

Good gracious me, so many people to introduce.

Mr Harris.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Er, and I'm J.

And, er, this is my wife.

- My wife. - J.

And I'm George.

How do you do, Mr George?

- Is your dear mother with you? - Yes.

Ah, the parties we've had together! Such fun!

- Where are you staying? - On the launch.

Why couldn't you all come along and see us?

- And bring your friends too. - This is only a reprieve, you know, J.

How delightful! How enchanting! - There you are! We're for it!

For goodness sake, what are we to do?

Harris...

there's only one thing to do.

It's sweet of you, J dear, and you've spent so much on me already.

Yes, I have.

- Have I? - The sales were wonderful.

Such fun.

- Do you like it? - Very nice indeed.

- Isn't it a little expensive? - Certainly not.

You don't think that one would be daintier? - Don't be ridiculous!

- Well, does it fit? - Of course it fits.

Well, have you nothing to say?

Yes.

I've bought it.

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