Original subtitles

Lucho, you disappoint me.

Birds in little nests agree, remember?

- Stop that man. - Ah-ah-ah.

No, no, an American citizen abroad must never forget...

that he's a roving ambassador of goodwill.

My error. Could you please tell me what it is I've hit?

Oh, of course, yes. This is a very important national monument.

Saint George slaying the well-known dragon.

That man is wanted in half the countries in Europe.

I have a warrant for his arrest in my pocket.

Oh, well, forget it. It's not gonna do you any good here.

- Don't you realize you crossed the border? - Border?

Yes. This is the sovereign state of Ingolstein.

Small but mighty.

- You mean that sentry box...? - The immigration office.

- And those men in uniform? - The national guard.

Oh.

I'm afraid, my friend, the shoe is on the other foot.

You are the fugitive.

Brandishing firearms and destroying national monuments...

speeding, violating the frontier. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Very disturbing list of offenses, indeed.

Guards, I suggest you do your duty.

Ingolstein. Where's that? I've never heard of it.

Almost nobody has...

which probably is the explanation for its survival.

What about Mr. Kuryakin? Have you heard from him?

Oh, yes.

Come in, Mr. Kuryakin.

Tell Mr. Solo where you are and what you can see.

I am speaking to you from the city jail at Ingolstein.

And from where I stand, I can see, outside, Lucho Nostra...

Bullets Malone having an espresso...

Doc Terwilliger drinking a beer...

and Joe "The Banker" Oregano...

he's having something stronger.

A calvados, perhaps.

Yes. Thank you, Mr. Kuryakin. I'm sure Mr. Solo gets the picture.

Lucho Nostra, Doc Terwilliger.

They're on our most wanted list. What are they all doing in Ingolstein?

Well, as it happens...

Ingolstein has no extradition treaties of any kind with any other country.

Never has had.

Recently, some clever character uncovered this fact.

Now Ingolstein is the impregnable refuge...

for half of the most-wanted fugitives from justice in the entire world.

A rat hole, huh?

Yes, indeed.

And one we must plug without delay.

For this mission, Mr. Solo, will require a complete diplomatic kit.

Striped trousers.

To meet the chief of police or whatever he is, huh?

Well, we can expect no assistance from the local authorities.

Ingolstein is currently being ruled by the regent.

Prince Fredrick, addicted to cognac, young ballet dancers, roulette.

Now, you will explain the situation to the grand duchess herself.

Victoria Adelaide Dagmar Alexandra Maude Xenia.

That's the lady.

Twenty-third sovereign ruler of the duchy.

"At present, at the Academy of the Sisters of the Royal Insignae...

on the outskirts of Paris."

Paris.

Next time you cheat, I'll hit you twice as hard.

Well, what is it?

I'm in the middle of a game, you know.

Your Serene Highness.

Hey, stinky, hurry up.

My credentials.

U.N.C.L.E.?

I've been briefed on them, of course. I know what you represent.

But what could U.N.C.L.E. want with me?

Is it about my country? Is something wrong in Ingolstein?

Yes. I'm sorry to say, Your Highness, that we have something very serious.

My uncle Fredrick, the regent, sends me most comprehensive reports monthly.

I'm not aware of any political crisis.

- May I? - Yes.

No, not political, Your Highness. Criminal.

But there is no crime in Ingolstein.

Jail hasn't sheltered anything but mice in years.

They're not using your jails, Your Highness.

They're using your best hotels...

your most gemütlich inns, your very castle.

Who is?

A coterie of the world's most dangerous criminals.

Wanted by their own government...

they're finding, within your country, complete protection.

No matter what the crime, Ingolstein is a sanctuary.

I don't believe it. Perhaps you've mistaken Ingolstein for some other little country.

It happens quite often, you know. My uncle Fredrick, the regent...

would never allow such a state of affairs for one moment.

Your Highness, your uncle, the prince...

was brought up in the days when dukes and duchesses had expensive tastes.

Now, I'm sure that you've heard of those tastes.

And you know they take money, a great deal of money.

The regent would never sacrifice the great name of Ingolstein...

for such things. Never.

How often do you see the prince?

Oh, three or four times a year.

What do you do?

Go to the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre...

Napoleon's tomb.

I'm sorry, Your Highness.

I shouldn't have brought it up.

- Have you a car? - Of course.

Well, get it. We'll go to Ingolstein immediately.

You'll make your apologies there.

"Lovely Ingolstein...

dominated by its ancient Schloss."

Oh, Mr. Kuryakin, it sounds so romantic.

- I wish I were there with you. - So do I, Linda.

This one should help.

Thanks a lot.

And another one for you.

Gin.

Gin? Again?

That makes another 5000 you owe me, prince.

Make a note of that, will you, honey?

You know, I don't understand it. Every time we play, you always win.

Do you cheat?

You just sign your John Henrich right on here, prince.

Just to keep the record straight.

It's pretty late. Shall we call it a day, prince?

Oh, just one more if you don't mind, Herr King.

Gets rather lonely around here in this old place.

Just you wait and see.

Another six months, we'll have this joint jumping.

When I was young, it was, as you say, jumping.

The castle lit with a thousand candles, scores of lovely women...

love, romance, the sweet sound of violins...

and my dear cousin, the 21st duchess, coming to me to start off the ball.

You should have seen us.

Uncle Freddy.

Mr. Solo.

- Highness? - It is I who must apologize.

I thought your accusations unfounded.

But I fear that you understated them.

Who is this?

My dear Vicky...

The name's Artie King. A pleasure to meet you, duchess.

Get out.

Oh, now, just a moment, young lady.

My rent's paid up till the end of the month. Right, Freddy?

Now, look, Vicky, you don't understand. I must talk to you.

No doubt, Uncle Fredrick.

When I have time, I will listen.

But meanwhile, I am taking over.

In the morning, you shall summon the diplomatic corps...

and I shall sign an extradition treaty immediately.

Look here, duchess. Don't be too hard on the old man.

We finished paying off the national debt, including delinquent interest...

back as far as 1903.

"I owe Artie King $5000. Fredrick."

"I owe..."

I suppose that's what you mean by the national debt.

You will leave by morning, Mr. King.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Your Highness, my friend is in jail.

Release his friend.

- And Uncle Freddy... - Yes, Highness?

Put your shoes on.

Well, I've been in worse jails. Certainly seems clean enough.

You've got a lovely view of the countryside.

When you're tired of that, I see you have a little reading.

Edifying? What is it?

It's the complete history of Ingolstein from Saint George to the present day.

That must be fascinating.

I presume there is a reason for all of this.

There is, yes.

Channel D, please. Mr. Waverly.

Are you reading me loud and clear, sir?

All right, spare me the pleasantries, Mr. Solo.

How's Mr. Kuryakin?

Oh, he's in the pink of condition there.

I think the rest has done him good.

And the progress of your mission?

Well, the regent's been fired and the grand duchess is taking over everything.

And tomorrow, she is deporting all criminal types.

So alert all of the appropriate agencies to have their men standing by.

Thank you. When are you returning?

As soon as we've had a bite of dinner, sir.

Well, don't make it into a banquet. I'll expect you here tomorrow.

May we join you, boys?

- Jeepers, the cops. - Relax.

Hello, boys.

Well, if it isn't Baby Bullets Maloney.

And our old pal Doc Terwilliger, the syndicate scientist.

Say hello to the doctor, Illya.

I don't have to. I've been watching them all for weeks.

Yeah. I heard you was in the clink up there.

Laugh it up, Baby Bullets. The party's almost over.

What are you talking about?

The grand duchess has returned. Didn't you see?

So she came back. So what?

So she's tired of having half the hoodlums in creation cluttering up her kingdom.

You are all out tomorrow. Vamoose.

Listen, Solo, nobody vamooses us.

We're protected here by law.

Her Highness has repealed that law.

And you are all out on your collective immunities.

- Tomorrow. - What did you say, pal?

Boss.

Boss, he said that the duchess is back. Somebody's got to her.

- She's kicking us out. - Repealing the law.

I might have known it. Fancy work of U.N.C.L.E.'s.

May not be fancy, but effective enough.

What you call it don't matter, Solo, because it ain't gonna happen.

Bullets, put them on ice while I find out what's going on.

But I haven't had my knackwurst yet.

You go quiet or you get a knockwurst on the head.

I paid a million bucks for this fancy hideout...

and nobody's gonna blast me out unless I blast them first.

Now, up with them, or I'll start with you first.

You tell that niece of yours...

that she's a spoiled, bad-mannered, badly-brought-up brat.

It's time she learned a few facts of life.

I own this country, lock, stock and debentures.

I hold the mortgages on all the fishing, forestry and mineral rights...

including all the space right up to the stratosphere.

And if it comes down to that, also the droit de seigneur.

I own you, prince.

And I own her.

Please, Mr. King, I beg of you.

Any idea the lady might have about kicking us out of this place...

are pipe dreams.

I'm not in this by myself, you know.

How do you think a hood like Lucho Nostra and his boys...

are gonna take to Her Serene Whatsit's attitude?

I shudder to think.

Artie?

You guaranteed this whole caper was a lead-pipe cinch.

- So, what's the double-cross? - There's no double-cross, Lucho.

It's just a slight misunderstanding on the part of the duchess.

Well, it better be. I'm not about to be anybody's fall guy.

Mr. Lucho, if you'll just give me the opportunity to explain to Her Highness.

After all, it isn't really her fault.

Yeah, you explain to the lady.

But if you don't have no success, I'll do it myself.

You're getting soft, Artie.

You don't know how to handle people no more.

That's one thing I never let myself forget...

is how to handle people.

Yes?

May I?

May I... May I see you for a moment, Vicky?

Uncle Fredrick.

What are you doing up so late?

You know it's bad for your sciatica, running around these damp old halls.

There's more than sciatica running around these halls tonight.

Please, Victoria, I'd like you to see this.

- Oh, wait a minute. It's very heavy. - What is this?

That is the official account book of the Duchy of Ingolstein.

Bank deposits, assets, liabilities, mortgages.

But there are no bank deposits in here.

Except for...

"Advance from Artie King, $50,000.

Advance from Artie King, $182,000."

Does everything come from Artie King?

Everything. Victoria, without Artie King, we are ruined.

Oh, don't be silly, Uncle Freddy. There's always the crown jewels.

Victoria, they went 30 years ago. Your mother pawned those.

You cannot throw Mr. King and his friends out of Ingolstein.

You must rescind your decision.

Never.

I know what Mr. King's friends are, Uncle Freddy.

Exactly. They'll stop at nothing. They'll murder us.

Well, we won't be the first rulers of Ingolstein to die for our honor.

But what about the country?

What good will your dying do you? Or mine, for that matter?

Your purpose is to live, marry, have children, and perpetuate our line...

not to be hit over the head by some thug.

What do you want me to do?

Well, I'm not sure it isn't too late already...

but we must reassure Mr. King that he can stay.

That you... You...

That I what, Uncle Freddy?

There's only one way to get us out of this.

Victoria, you've got to marry Artie King.

Uncle Fredrick!

It's the only way out.

Once you're married to the man, you can do anything you want with him.

Make him into any kind of husband you choose.

You are strong, Victoria.

Anyway, a woman can do anything she wants with a man.

Look at me. It's the story of my life.

I've been twisted around so many fingers, I feel like a pretzel.

But that's contemptible.

Marrying a man when you...

only want to...

Every royal house married for position, money, to entrench themselves...

and secure peace and prosperity for their country.

Yes, but they didn't marry crooks and highwaymen.

This is not the hockey field, Victoria.

This is life. You must do your duty.

You talk to her?

I think, gentlemen, I may have an idea to rescue our situation.

What's your gimmick, chum?

I suggest that Mr. King marry the grand duchess.

Marry the...?

Are you out of your ever-loving blue...?

Prince, I gotta hand it to you.

When they passed out the brains, you wasn't hiding behind no door. Shake.

What a pleasure it's gonna be to see Artie King nailed to the wall of matrimony.

- Has she named the happy day? - As soon as possible.

- I won't. - You will.

I'm Artie King, remember?

The happy bachelor. I need a wife like I need a hole in the head.

Take this one or you'll have one in the head and I'll put it there personal.

Lucho, Lucho. What did I ever do to you, you should do this to me?

You got me and the boys into this clambake, Artie.

We got everything sewed up here. You ain't about to unravel the threads.

I got news for you, pal.

The dame ain't been born yet that can tie me down.

Start across that drawbridge, you'll end up at the bottom of the moat...

counting the rings on the carps' tails to see how old they are.

Yeah, well, it's ridiculous.

No grand duchess can marry a commoner.

You will be ennobled first, Mr. King.

- What does that mean? - My niece will give you a title.

She already has. You wanna know what it is?

Schnook.

Come on out, boys. Join the party. Give them a drink, Bullets.

To Her Serene Highness, the grand duchess.

Long may she reign.

To Artie King. Long may he reign.

"And by the authority of Her Serene Highness...

the Grand Duchess Victoria Adelaide Dagmar Alexandra Maude Xenia...

sovereign ruler of the sovereign state of Ingolstein...

Mr. Arthur King..."

I can't hear you. Who's there shouting?

The town crier, sir. He's making an important announcement.

Apparently, the grand duchess is going to get married.

That has nothing to do with you, Mr. Solo.

I've been trying to reach you all morning. Report back to New York at once.

Your mission's accomplished.

But it isn't accomplished, sir.

The man the grand duchess is going to marry is...

What? What?

Please, dear. Please, really.

Go on, Mr. Solo. Who's she going to marry?

Stop! Artie King!

My mind is made up, gentlemen.

I appreciate your concern.

But after I realized the true nature of conditions here at Ingolstein...

I knew that my duty to Ingolstein must come before any other consideration.

I understand, but, Your Highness...

I am marrying Mr. King tomorrow after he is knighted at the ceremony.

Mr. Solo, you were sent to Ingolstein on a serious matter of great importance.

You are not expected to function as a marriage broker.

But, Mr. Waverly...

Even you will appreciate the horrifying results...

if the grand duchess marries that, that...

Words fail me when I attempt to describe Artie King.

There's always the post-office résumé with photographs, front and side.

Sir, the grand duchess seems determined to marry Mr. King.

The grand duchess is not one quarter determined to marry Mr. King...

as I am that she will not. If that marriage takes place...

Ingolstein permanently falls into the hands of criminals of the world.

I don't care what you do or how you do it. You must stop that marriage.

How do you stop a wedding?

Well, we could rush up to the altar at the last minute with a babe in our arms.

- A babe? - Not that kind.

The small kind. You know, three weeks old, with a weeping mother.

Hey.

We'll just have to abduct the bridegroom before the ceremony starts.

There. How does it feel now, Mr. King?

- A bit tight under the arms. - Yeah, I was afraid of that.

Now, where did I put those garden shears?

Why do we have to bother with all this?

Look, you haven't been reading that book I gave you.

Otherwise, you'd know it's no bother but a privilege to wear a knight's armor.

Who can read it? All the S's are F's.

Yeah, look, give me the arm piece and one hammer.

"Ye Compleat and Parfait Knighte.

Or How A Gentleman Should Comport Himself Under Diverse Circumstances."

Can't spell either.

Yeah, well, all this knighthood stuff's a lot of jazz.

Nobody ever behaved that way.

Yes, they did. There was a time when gentlemen were truly gentlemen.

Not like me and not like you.

All right, where to now?

Do you want the scenic route through the bedchambers...

or the light-snack excursion through the kitchens?

- Bedchambers, please. - This way.

- Well, good night, Mr. Lucho. - Good night, prince.

Would you like a car to take you back to the inn?

No, I'll stick around and wait till Artie gets to bed.

You might say I'm protecting my investment.

Well, you don't think he might... I mean, you don't think he'd run off?

Not while I'm around.

Aha.

One, two, three, four, five...

six, seven.

Are you sure that book's reliable?

"It was in 1873.

This is the route used by Lutetia the 14th, who had three consorts...

none of whom knew the existence of the other two."

Well, in a place like this, I'm not the least surprised.

- Lead on. - It's this way.

Mr. King.

Your Highness.

I hardly recognized you with your face washed.

Are you going somewhere?

Who, me? No, I was just going out for a short walk.

Oh, Mr. King, please. No, not the sword.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You see, it must be very fragile by now.

It's been there for over a thousand years.

The sword of Saint George.

Real George. The dragon killer.

- He slew the dragon on this rock. - Yeah?

The blow was so fierce that the sword penetrated the stone...

and nobody's been able to pull it out since.

I... I used to be pretty good at these things when I was at Luna Park.

Oh, no, no, Mr. King, please don't. I mean...

it wouldn't be fair.

You don't have to.

- That's all right. - No, no, you don't understand.

There's a legend that says...

that he who is able to withdraw the sword from the stone...

the grand duchess will marry.

But you see, since you and I are going to be married anyway...

it just wouldn't seem quite sporting...

to spoil the chances for some future grand duchess, would it?

Oh.

Now, what's the matter, Your Highness?

What's wrong?

I thought you wanted all this. This marriage.

I do.

I mean, I want to do my duty.

Well, that's funny.

I was just thinking the same thing about myself.

You mean you didn't know?

We're both caught.

I had no idea.

Oh, look, I'm sorry about all this happening like this.

I also know that it's just a business deal, so I'll...

keep my distance.

Oh, Mr. King...

Hey.

Hey, you wanna know something? Something just occurred to me, I...

Hey, we're gonna get married and everything...

and you haven't even got an engagement ring.

There.

It's all right, isn't it?

It is the thing to do.

It's just the thing to do.

The state bedrooms lie on either side.

That should be the grand duchess.

And Mr. King's bedroom should be down there.

Let's hope he believes in an early beddy-bye.

I've had it.

Good night, Your Highness.

Good night, Mr. King.

They won't win. Believe me.

Not against the two of us.

- Feeling better? - Much.

- What are you doing here? - Minding the store.

Looks like you and the little lady hit it off better than you thought.

Good old Artie. Never misses a bet.

Knock it off. As you pointed out, this is the little lady I'm gonna marry.

Well, I'm glad to see you've adjusted to the idea.

I was a little worried you might try a moonlight flit on us.

Don't be ridiculous.

Good night, Artie. Sleep tight.

But if you should suffer a change of heart, remember...

Big Brother is watching you.

Boss, one of the boys tried to cross the border...

but there's an Interpol cop behind every tree.

What?

Yeah, and he tried the other two roads too.

Same thing. They got the place surrounded.

Cops from all over the world.

You stay here. Keep an eye on him.

Don't you let him out of your sight.

Right, boss.

Artie?

Artie?

Artie?

Artie?

Artie.

Artie!

Artie!

Don't do this to me.

Lucho. Lucho.

He blew it. Artie got away.

I told you not to let him out of your sight.

I didn't, boss. I went right in there just after you left but he was gone.

Artie must be in with these cops. Maybe even that duchess.

I got an idea.

Doc, what's the last big safecracking job you pulled?

Fort Knox?

What do you have in mind?

I got another little job for you, even more delicate.

Very old, very special, very difficult, and you gotta do it fast.

- Victoria, he's disappeared. - What?

Mr. King. He's not to be found from one end of the castle to the other.

There must be some explanation. Mr. King wouldn't...

Lady, you don't know Artie King.

He's run away from bigger and better prizes than you.

But don't worry. There are abler and better men around.

There. Aren't you gonna kiss the new bridegroom?

I'll get you for this. Kidnapping a man practically on the eve of his wedding.

It wouldn't have worked, Artie. Marriages are made in heaven, not in pool rooms.

Mr. Waverly, Solo here.

We've got Artie King safe and sound in our possession...

all wrapped up, ready for delivery.

Jubilation is a bit premature, Mr. Solo, to say the least.

Something wrong, sir?

Well, that's one way of putting it.

Lucho Nostra has pulled the sword of Saint George from the stone in the chapel...

and claimed the grand duchess as his bride.

It's impossible! It's a... It's a rig!

Lucho... It's a frame-up. Lucho must have rigged it.

I'll murder him!

I detect the green glint of jealousy in your eye.

This marriage, Mr. Solo, is infinitely more to be deplored than the other.

So forget about Mr. King and regroup.

And this time, don't fail.

Well, you heard what the man said.

Come on! What are you waiting for?

Your Highness.

Mr. King. Oh, Mr. King, where have you been?

- Where did you disappear to? - That can be explained later.

You can't go through with your marriage to...

That gorilla.

But he pulled the sword of Saint George...

from the very stone on which the dragon was slain.

I have no choice. I have to marry him.

The whole thing was a frame-up. Lucho rigged it.

That's impossible.

Nothing's impossible to him. Now, we must get you out of here.

I can't. At a moment like this? My people are waiting for me.

Now, please go, I beg of you, before you get hurt.

Now, think of something, fellas.

- Are we gonna ride in that? - Of course.

Look at those springs. Why don't we take my car.

It's the tradition, Mr. Nostra.

If you claim rights by it, you must live by it.

What is this? A commercial or something?

Who is this guy? Some kind of nut or something?

He has put the challenge to you.

You've got to pick it up if you want to marry me.

What do I do now? Throw it back at him?

You engage in trial by combat.

Your life against his.

You're kidding.

On the contrary, Mr. Lucho...

it's all according to the most ancient traditions of knighthood.

As the grand duchess' champion, you must pledge yourself...

to go against anyone who may appear against her...

or forfeit all your rights.

Bullets, give me your Enforcer.

Mr. Nostra.

Drop it.

Don't be rude, Mr. Nostra.

You do combat, sir, with the sword of Saint George and his shield.

You mean these?

When I drop my scarf, let the combat commence.

Boys, where are you?

I surrender. I surrender.

I give up.

They'll never believe this in Teaneck, New Jersey.

Mr. King.

Well, here come our Knights of the Round Table.

"The Complete Guide to Perfect Knighthood.

Or How A Gentlemen Should Comport Himself Under Diverse Circumstances."

What's that? What is that?

Nothing, sir. Just the happy populace cheering the newlyweds.