Original subtitles

[chopper whirring]

[whirring continues]

[engine revving]

You hear something?

[missile firing]

[explosion]

[explosions continue]

[whirring continues]

[tires screeching]

[missile firing]

[gunshots]

[whirring continues]

[gunshot]

[tires screeching]

[Every Mother's Son singing "Come On Down To My Boat"]

* She sits on the dock a fishin' in the water uh-huh *

* I don't know her name *

* She's the fisherman's daughter uh-huh *

* Come on down to my boat baby *

* Come on down where we can play *

* Come on down to my boat baby *

* Come on down we'll sail away *

[instrumental music]

* She smiled so nice like she wants to come with me uh-huh *

* But she's tied to the dock and she can't get free *

* Come on down where we can play *

[music continues]

* She sits on the dock a fishin' in the water uh-huh *

* I don't know her name *

* She's the fisherman's daughter uh-huh **

[instrumental music]

- Dr. True? - Solo?

Yes, I'm Solo, and this is Kuryakin.

Mr. Kuryakin.

As you know, gentlemen, I've, uh..

...I've devoted my life to the..

...problem of relieving the world's thirst by..

...purifying sea water.

Desalination.

We also know that your laboratory

has been broken into twice.

Are we also right in assuming that the thief's were after

something other than you're desalination formula?

You are, Mr. Solo, and I have taken adequate precautions.

Our enemies would have to hunt down the four winds

to find what I've stumble upon.

Here we are, gentlemen.

[machine whirring]

Concentrated essence of ordinary sea water.

Concentrator's in this pressure chamber.

Being subjected to bombardment by gamma particles.

[gasps]

What's the matter?

It's nothing.

[sighs]

When you see the end result of this process..

...you'll understand why it must never fall into the wrong hands.

[intense music]

For..

Formula..

Daugh..

Daugh-ter..

...has..

[dramatic music]

[glass shattering]

Yes, gentlemen..

That's what Dr. True stumbled on.

The secret of extracting

gold from common sea water.

The key to limitless wealth.

Yeah, limitless wealth and limitless power.

No wonder THRUSH was tempted it.

It was THRUSH, wasn't it?

Yes, Mr. Kuryakin.

Who else could hurl a private Air Force against us?

And if they should ever succeeding in

getting hold of Dr. True's secret..

...the world is theirs.

And knowing THRUSH as we do, they're going to keep after it.

Yeah, we'll fortunately Dr. True anticipated that.

He said that his enemies would have to hunt down the four winds

to find his formula.

And one more word..

...daughter.

I only wish the poor man told you more.

Well, I'm sure Mr. Solo is

more than eager to follow up on the daughter.

Well, since you suggested it, yes.

It's the only clue.

Oh, gentlemen, please, five clues.

Our information is that he has five daughters.

Five?

'Scattered all over the world.'

Margo in Italy somewhere.

Imogen in London.

Yvonne in Paris.

Gee, that may take some time.

Which is what we haven't got.

I suggest you get in touch with Dr. True's widow.

Dear Amanda.

Randolph.

How good of you to come.

What you must have been going through.

I, uh.. I dropped everything the moment I heard.

No..

No, don't.

Not while I'm feeling so terribly guilty.

Guilty? What about?

About Simon of course.

I killed him.

[scoffs] What are you talking about?

- The newspaper said-- - It was just heart.

But I know the truth.

Oh, if I only hadn't been so stupidly honest.

Blurting everything out.

What did you say to Simon?

Well, I told him about us of course.

About you and me.

And I'll never forgive myself.

You told him what about us?

Well, at first all I said was that I..

...wanted a divorce.

There's nothing so unusual about that, is there?

I mean, what did you tell him about me?

Nothing.

You know, Randolph, I don't think you've

ever been aware of this, because Simon always

had such beautiful manners.

But he absolutely loathed you.

I'm flattered.

Go on.

That's all.

A few hours after we talked

he had the attack.

You know, I really do believe that Simon

was the only man I ever truly loved.

Now, really, Amanda.

After four husbands, not to mention me.

I mean it.

Oh, he could be so sweet when he chose.

Our first meeting in Stockholm..

...seemed like fate.

He was there collecting his second Nobel Prize.

And I was picking up my fourth divorce.

Randolph! That is Simon's desk.

I know it's Simon's desk.

- Which is why I'm searching it. - Why?

There was something I needed from Simon.

And now, I..

Listen to me carefully.

Did Simon ever speak to you about the process

he was working on?

Certainly.

He kept me up night after night for weeks.

I hope you can remember some of it.

No.

After five marriages if a women hasn't..

well, learned to appear to listen to a man without

actually having heard one word..

...then she might just as well..

...turn in her wedding rings.

You can remember nothing about what he was telling you?

Nothing.

Nothing?

No, nothing.

Not even where he kept the formula?

Randolph, the way you're behaving

I don't think I'd tell you even if I knew.

Oh.

[dramatic music]

Search.

What is this?

What are you doing? You have no right--

- You want them to stop? - Yes I do!

Then refresh your memory.

Tell me where he kept the formula.

I don't know.

Randolph, what's come over you?

Shut up and keep out of my way.

It was the formula you wanted.

Not me.

I still intend to get it.

Did he take all of these?

I don't know.

You were the one who told me they were harmless.

Even an overdose of vitamins can be fatal.

They weren't vitamins, were they?

When you gave me back that bottle..

...there was something else in it.

Not his pills.

Something you put in it.

Don't worry, it will never show up in an autopsy.

You murdered...Simon?

You murdered Simon?

You murdered Simon!

No need to be melodramatic about it, is there, my dear?

Simon..

Please forgive me.

[dramatic music]

Looks like THRUSH got here before us.

Anybody here?

- Mrs. True? - You're too late.

She's already cleared out, and in a hurry, too.

Who are you?

Sandy True.

One of Dr. True's five daughters.

My father's only real daughter.

The others are step-types, by Amanda's four other husbands.

And you, and you two are from UNCLE, I suppose.

My father said to contact you.

Did he give you something for us?

No, we just spoke on the phone.

What did he say?

He, um..

...said something about..

...how in the end, only I would know the truth.

I know this isn't easy for you..

...but it's terribly important to us.

Now he said that you'd know the truth.

Was it about the process he was working on?

Hardly, we haven't talked

about that in a long time.

Amanda saw to that.

Besides...he said..

...something about..

...how the truth was scattered to the four winds.

Four winds?

Four stepdaughters.

She did this, for them.

Wasn't enough what she did to my father, I could kill her.

Somebody already has.

[dramatic music]

I still don't see why I have to come along.

For one very simple reason.

You're the only key that we have

and we don't intend to lose you.

Oh. So I'm a key. How very flattering.

[instrumental music]

Buongiorno, Napoleon. Good to see you again.

Nice to see you.

Recognition, signal A.

The ocean is near, and the coastline is sandy.

- That's me. - That's it. Have fun.

Hey, hey, listen, I don't want to go with her.

I want to be with you.

When in Rome, you do as UNCLE says.

Hey, now, wait a minute!

Listen..

[instrumental music]

Yes, we're looking for the Countess Margo De Fanzini.

Not bad.

Reminds me of home.

I am the count. Valeriano De Fanzini.

Tell me, what do you want?

We were looking for the contessa.

The contessa?

We have business with the contessa.

Business?

(Solo) 'Yes.'

And you are from America?

Yes.

From U-N-C-L-E.

U.. Uncle?

Hey, bene, bene.

You do not have to spell it out for me, signore.

I understand.

My wife, her uncle.

She have you bring me the money, eh?

Uh, what money?

What money?

Hey, no money, no contessa, eh?

Arrivederci.

[dramatic music]

[instrumental music]

"Help, I'm being held prisoner.

Contessa De Fanzini."

Came from up there.

[dramatic music]

[hinges squealing]

- Ooh! Ah. - 'Uh.'

'Ooh! Ah.'

Uh. Excuse me.

Sorry, gentlemen.

I'm sure you've... heard this before..

...but, honestly, I haven't a thing to wear.

[instrumental music]

Uh, don't just stand there, be a gentleman

give her your coat.

She looks more your size to me.

Bluebeard!

That brute!

That throwback to the Middle Ages.

I don't want to be personal, but..

...just why exactly has he locked you up

left like this?

So I can't run away, of course.

Can you imagine me fleeing down the Via Veneto like this?

Oh, you will help me, won't you?

Well, maybe we can help each other.

We're, uh, trying to find out

if you've heard from your stepfather.

Oh, which one?

Dr. Simon True.

Oh, the sea water one.

He's dead.

Oh.

Tell me... did he leave any money?

The beast never brings me my mail.

I've no idea what's been sent to me.

We'll have to search downstairs.

- 'Well, let's go.' - Oh, not now.

Unless you want a load of buckshot

from that bluebeard I married.

Alright, let's wait till he goes to sleep.

'It won't be long.'

He's goes to bed with the chickens

just to save on electricity.

[instrumental music]

Hey, how come he's taking your picture?

Well, that's the way the paparazzis work.

'They photograph everyone in sight.'

Because you never know, it might be tomorrow's film star, right?

[chuckles] Right.

[intense music]

[screaming]

[screaming continues]

[screaming continues]

(Margo) Do you know he was offered a fortune for this place?

He could have sold it a dozen times, but no.

His stupid, arrogant pride.

You should have seen the wedding.

Made all the picture magazines, and so it should have.

But he stripped the palazzo to pay for it.

Naturally, I wasn't going to stay in this ghastly ruin.

Are you rich?

No, Illya and I work, uh..

[clears throat] ...very hard for a living.

- And mostly in the dark. - Oh.

What a pity.

That's where he keeps all the junk.

He calls it the music room

because the rats kept running over the guitar strings.

Before he hocked the guitar.

My trunk!

I do hope there's some clothes left in it.

He sold everything else

just to keep this empty stone quarry.

Why, is beyond me.

(Solo) Somebody has an inordinate interest

in mail-order catalogs.

Yeah, and old bills.

And here's an invitation to the Chicago Exposition, 1892.

(Solo) Here's a foreclosure dated two months ago.

Mr. Solo.

Aah!

Oh, I caught you

in flagar de delito.

Just a moment, sir.

Keep out of this, you Casanova.

- You cheap Romeo. - You're jumping to conclusions.

(Valeriano) How dare you parade around like this in front of strangers?

Never...in the history of the De Fanzinis..

Peasant!

Peasant, che-asant!

Excuse me, but all we came here for--

Where's my mail?

- Where did you hide my mail? - What mail?

I'll be glad to tell you.

It's Dr. True's formula.

(Randolph) Where is it?

What formula? And who are you?

- Answer me, where is it? - Ow!

How dare you hit my wife? She is a De Fanzini!

Did you hear him? He admits I'm his wife.

- Did you hear it? - I demand an apology!

[grunts]

(Margo) You beast!

[grunting]

[grunting continues]

[yelling]

[indistinct shouting]

[grunting]

- Where'd you come from? - You mean escape.

They tried to kidnap me.

You bring the troops?

Sure, I thought it'd be the quickest

and safest way to get here.

Good thinking.

Sandy, find some cover.

[gunshot]

[yelling]

[blows whistle]

Aah!

'Aah!'

[yelling]

I'll show you!

Chase them!

Chase them!

My darling.

[groaning]

Oh, signore, you are wasting your time.

She has nothing. No letters, no gifts.

No answers to my wedding invitations.

Oh, not even a response to your ransom?

- Nothing. Nothing. - Oh..

(Sandy) 'Help! Help!'

- Sandy? - 'Help!'

I try never to jump to conclusions, but--

Be my guest, jump.

Sounds like it's coming from in here.

- 'Help!' - Uh, excuse me.

Do you happen to have a secret passage?

We've been searching for five generations.

(Sandy) 'I'm behind the fireplace!'

(Valeriano) Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, I'm rich.

I'm rich.

Aah!

[Valeriano laughing]

Ohh.

- Are you alright? - Oh!

The lost treasure... of the De Fanzinis!

So, that's why you refused to, to sell our palazzo.

- Why else? - Oh, darling.

Why else would I keep you in this refrigerated ruin?

Ooh! Oh!

[indistinct chatter]

(Valeriano) 'Signore.'

'Signore Solo.'

'Signore!'

Is this, uh, what.. Oh, pardon, madam.

Is this what you have been looking for?

My father.

But I thought you didn't get anything from my father.

Well, it looked valueless

so naturally, I forgot all about it.

Luckily I found it this morning.

Under his pillow.

Oh, my darling.

-Arrivederci. - Oh, ciao.

- Mr. Solo? - Yes, sir?

Uh, Mr. Solo..

Um...about that photograph.

We've tried to interpret the symbols in every possible way.

The result.. Scientifically, they're meaningless.

Hmm, I see, sir. Just something for the family album, eh?

I-I think not.

So far you've followed only one of the four winds.

This may be the first piece of a jigsaw puzzle.

So...good luck with daughter number two.

[patriotic music]

(man on TV) 'Explendid array'

'the soldiers of the Queen'

'are marching proudly in'

'London's oldest traditional pageant'

'the Lord Mayor's Procession.'

'They the are, the Lord Mayor's party'

'waiting for the fairytale coach.'

'It's 200 years old by the way.'

'That's just 500 years younger..'

Well, I didn't get to see much of Rome.

You could at least show me Carnegie Street.

I'm sorry, Sandy, not right now.

- We're going to put you on ice. - I'm not gonna stay cooped up.

I'll run away. This is London. This is where the action is.

Well, our orders are, where the action is, you ain't.

(male on TV) 'Hello? What have we here?'

'My goodness. This is unbelievable.'

Hey, look!

Imogen.

- Where? - Right there.

Daughter number two.

(male on TV) 'Oh, good.'

'Here's a constable, I'm sure he'll take'

'complete charge of the situation in no time at all.'

You got a pencil on you, miss?

I like that fringe.

"I was on duty in the Strand.

"The Lord Mayor's Show was in procession.

"And, uh, when the coach drew level with me, it stopped.

"And out of it stepped the accused.

'"She was wearing a black-and-white'

two-piece bathing costume."

Is that all?

No, sir, it had a fringe.

[laughter]

"Fearing a breach of the peace

"I approached the accused and said..

"Madam, your behavior

"by riding in the Lord Mayor's coach

"and your attire, may well lead to a breach of the peace.

'"At this moment I was jostled by members of the public'

which caused me to be thrust against the accused."

[laughter]

"She said, What do you think you are doing, love?

"I replied, I'm doing nothing, miss.

I have been thrust against you, against my will."

[chuckles]

'"The accused laughed and replied'

"Against your will, eh?

Pull the other one, it's got bells on."

[laughter]

[gavel pounding]

The other one?

Uh, the accused was referring to her leg, Your Honor.

(magistrate) 'Yes, yes. Alright, proceed, proceed.'

Yes, sir.

Um, "Pull the other one, it's got bells on.

'"At this point, the jostling of the crowd'

"caused my helmet to fall over my eyes.

"I duly warned the people behind me, and the accused said..

Oh, darling, never mind them, pinch me."

[laughter]

[gavel pounding]

"I said, I shall, miss. What is your name?

"She replied, Imogen Smythe.

"And she said, You will soon

see that name in lights, handsome."

'Handsome?'

Me, Your Honor.

[laughter]

Quiet, or I'll clear the court.

"Imogen Smythe..

"I arrest you for conduct

"which may well lead to a breach of the peace.

"In that you are indecently exposed

in a public place."

And at the same time, sir

I unrolled my rain cape

and put it about the accused.

And that was so sweet of you.

But that leather against me..

Well, I still have goose flesh.

[laughter]

[gavel pounding]

[crowd exclaiming]

- Step down, constable. - Sir?

I said, step down.

Yes, sir.

A-as a matter of fact..

...you did everything beautifully. From the arrest..

[gavel pounding]

(magistrate) 'Constable, that's enough.'

Yes.

- Ms. Smythe? - Yes, darling?

You mustn't call me that.

It's contempt.

Well, it's not in my circles.

(magistrate) 'What is your profession?'

I shake.

[laughter]

Shake? Shake what?

I shake me.

Um, eh..

Oh, you know, at the Girls A-GoGo.

[laughter]

(magistrate) 'One aspect emerges clearly from this case.'

'You appear to have courted arrest.'

I don't want to spend the rest of my life

at the Girls A-GoGo shaking my f--

Oh, y-yes, quite, quite.

Yes, well, further inquiries will be made.

You are remanded for seven days.

That's a dirty, rotten shame.

What did you say?

I said it's not too lame for her.

Oh, dear, w-well does that mean I have to be in jail?

(magistrate) 'Yes, unless you can put out 500 pounds bail.'

[crowd gasps]

Oh, puh!

You-you've got to be joking.

Well...I couldn't raise sixpence at the moment.

Well, you'll be permitted to contact your friends.

Right here, sir.

Right here.

* I don't know her name *

* She's a fisherman's daughter uh-huh *

* Come on down to my boat baby *

* Come on down where we can play *

* Come on down to my boat baby *

* Come on down we'll sail away *

[instrumental music]

- Hello, Stacy. - Hi.

Hey, what about this?

[cheering]

- 'Where have you been?' - Out to tea.

- 'For five hours.' - Oh, you know me.

Darling, I'm lost in the face of a toasted crumpet.

Come on, this way to the dressing room.

Come on, wake up, stupid, it's night time.

* Come on down where.. *

I've been camping out in the dressing room

ever since I had that spot of bother with my flat.

* Come on down we'll sail away *

* Fish all day sleep all night *

Well, here are all my worldly possessions.

* Soon I'm gonna have to get my knife *

* And cut that rope cut that rope *

Cooler that Rome, isn't it, Mr. Solo?

Let me save you the trouble of searching the room.

It's not here.

He could be right, you know? My things are in such a mess.

Perhaps we can help you to straighten them out.

* Come on down where.. *

[grunting]

* Come on down we'll sail away *

* Come on down to my boat baby *

* Come on down where we can play *

[crash]

* Come on down to my boat baby **

[screaming]

[grunting]

[screaming]

Oh!

[clamor]

Quiet!

[murmuring]

This doesn't concern you. Go on playing.

Play!

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

- Ow! - Ow! Oh!

* She sit on the docks a fishin' in the water uh-huh *

What happened, love?

* I don't know her name *

* She's a fisherman's daughter uh-huh *

[grunting]

* Come on down to my boat baby *

* Come on down where we can play *

* Come on down to my boat.. *

- Where did you get this? - Well, that's Imogen's.

It's got a chiropractor's phone number on the back.

Well, this business, you know

we're always throwing our backs out or something.

[screaming]

[music continues]

* She smiled so nice *

* Like she wants to come with me uh-huh *

* But she's tied to the dock and she can't get free *

[blows whistle]

(Imogen) 'You beasts!'

Oh! Oh!

[music continues]

* Come on down to my boat baby *

* Come on down.. *

- Aah. - You again.

- Oh. - You alright?

Oh, tell me, handsome..

...were you thrust against me

completely against your will this time?

Well, not entirely.

You'll catch a cold.

Oh, a net.

Oh-oh, how charming.

Are you alright?

I think I found what you're looking for.

What is it?

Another photograph?

Well, as Mr. Waverly would say..

...better luck with number three.

Both photographs seem to be identical, sir.

Except for the lettering in the background.

(Illya) 'And apparently the answer lies in those figures.'

We might have to get all four photographs

'before it makes sense.'

I'm afraid so.

By the way, sir, how did, uh, Ms. Imogen Smythe make out?

Oh, admirably.

It seems she's engaged to be married to a policeman.

'Now that you've set your mind at rest on her score'

'I hope you'll give your full attention'

'to daughter number three.'

[guitar music]

Oh, God.

If only...it could go on like this forever.

[music continues]

It can. Forever.

How?

Simple.

You move out of your hotel..

...into my ski lodge..

...and live happily ever after.

[chuckling]

Isn't there...something

you want to ask me first?

Uh, no.

Something I have to tell you.

I should have told you before.

[chuckling]

I'm married.

You are what?

Married.

'Uh..'

I know, I know, I..

I should have told you before, I know, I..

I should have had the courage.

You know, my-my wife

a helpless invalid.

I can't divorce her.

- You asking me to.. - No, uh, Yvonne, uh..

Let's talk about it a little more practical, huh?

I find you, a secretary for my Paris office, here

in a hotel you clearly cannot afford.

Wearing clothes that are obviously not paid for.

What kind of girl do you think I am?

You're the kind who's been here and there..

...and who... would thoroughly enjoy..

...having a charge account..

...in all those enchanting little shops

down in the town, eh?

And why not?

You're such a pretty little thing.

Hmm?

Oh!

Sorry, Herr Director.

Better luck next girl.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

'Uh, Fraulein! Fraulein!'

I-it's about you bill.

It hasn't been paid, I know. But don't give up hope.

No, no, no, actually Ms.Fraulein..

...the bill has been taken care of.

[accordion music]

Well, what are you?

Santa Claus or Old Nick in sheep's clothing?

Let me put it this way, Yvonne.

I knew your mother well.

Oh.

But how grateful do you expect me to be?

I want a very special photograph.

Fly to London, my half sister

she's goes in for that sort of thing.

A pleasant thought, but, uh, listen.

Actually it's a photograph of your stepfather Dr. True

that I'm after.

A photograph of Simon, worth thirty thousand shillings?

If it's the one against the black board.

If that's all you want, it's in my room.

It isn't. I've already looked.

Oh.

I've got it. It must be in my bag of course.

I left it in HerrVon Kesser's ski lodge.

Let's go.

You don't waste time, do you?

Get me the hotel. Suite 23, please.

Mm-hmm.

Still no answer?

Oh. Never mind.

No. No message.

Thank you.

Yes, sir?

There's a small

but highly confidential

commission I wish you turn to take.

Certainly, Herr Director.

The young lady in suite 23.

Add her account to mine.

That is impossible.

The bill...has been paid.

By whom?

A complete stranger to me.

'And I think to the fraulein.'

- Oh. - Anything else, sir?

[piano music]

Cognac.

And make that a double.

That's what I need.

Why? You worried about Napoleon?

Well, how long does it take to search a room?

Well, it depends who's in it.

The, uh, young lady in suite 23.

You want to pay her bill as well?

Well, if necessary, yes.

I'm afraid you are the second gentleman..

'...who's too late.'

[music continues]

Mm-hmm.

Excuse me.

I understand we maybe, uh..

companions in misfortune.

Perhaps you could tell me where I might find a Mr. Yvonne.

Now what is that about this girl?

Two weeks she carries on as if I'm the only man in the world.

Then we have a slight misunderstanding

and before you can say, fush, she drops me like a..

...a hot kartofell.

- A what? - Uh, like a hot kartofell.

Oh-uh, p-potato.

- Oh. Oh, yeah. - Oh.

Can you imagine?

Just because I said I'm married.

[chuckles]

Women are funny.

[speaking in foreign language]

- Hm? - Yeah.

Yeah, women are funny.

Oh.

Nevertheless, uh, perhaps you could tell me where I might..

thank you to find her.

Now, you look like a man of the world.

Haven't you used this old Dodge before?

[laughs]

Thank you.

And after I came running back here

ready to apologize and even to ask her...to marry me.

She takes up with the first ski tramp who pays her bill.

Hmm.

You know who the tramp was?

Why you ask me?

Ask the desk clerk, he's got the money.

[clears throat]

Thank you.

Ah, excuse me.

Who was the man who paid that bill?

I haven't the slightest idea.

Where're you going?

Never you mind. You stay put.

Order anything you want.

As long as it's ice-cream.

(Napoleon) I've got to know. Come on.

[speaking foreign language]

I've got to know.

[speaking foreign language]

I've got to know.

I know that man, he's dangerous. Now, where did he go?

Now, you heard the gentleman.

Tell him. That's an order.

[speaking foreign language]

They went to your ski lodge.

Oh, I can't understand it.

I'm sure I left it up here.

This isn't only a trick to bring me here, hmm?

Why would I do that?

To give those UNCLE agents a chance to get the jump on me.

What UNCLE agents?

I had an argument, uh, with Von Kesser

and I left in a hurry without my bag.

It has to be here some place.

It better be.

Remember you've been paid for it already.

And I don't like to waste my money.

[wind howling]

(Solo) How much further is it?

Almost there.

Wait.

[intense music]

Let's take cover.

[gunshot]

Would you mind telling me what this is all about?

It'll take too long to explain.

They're trying to stop us from getting to your lodge.

Yvonne is there.

[gunshots]

- Let me! - Please don't.

I've got to get to her. Let me go!

[gunshot]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[screams]

Oh, please. I'm not lying.

Not lying? You're Amanda's daughter.

No. It has to be here some place.

How can it be? You've turned it over to UNCLE.

I didn't. I didn't! I don't even know who..

No!

- Yvonne, my darling. - Oh, God.

You wanna fight?

Fight a man, you..

Alright, you.. you model of chivalry.

Do you want to save your girlfriend?

Name your price. I'll pay any amount.

- Where is it? - What?

My bag.

Bag? Is that what you're looking for?

Where is it?

I-I took it to the hotel.

Ooh, and...I left it at the bar.

[sobbing]

Oh, my darling. Oh, it's alright now.

Your Carl is here. Huh?

My Carl? You mean Foucault's Carl!

No, but, Yvonne, don't you understand?

I only said it because, you know, a man in my position--

Your position? What about my position?

[accordion music]

Fraulein. Fraulein!

[speaking foreign language]

Oh, my bag. How silly of me. Thank you.

[speaking foreign language]

Did you get your bag?

Certainly not. I left it at the hotel.

That's where Sandy is.

[guitar music]

You..

You.. You're not married?

No, of course not.

Don't you understand, Yvonne?

I only said it to, to test you.

To make sure that you're interested in me.

And not by interlocking directorates.

[speaking foreign language]

[laughing]

[whirring]

Hey, Mr. Solo, Mr. Kuryakin.

If you fellas are still lookin' for it, forget it. Here it is.

[instrumental music]

(Solo) We're ready to take off anytime you are.

Hey. How about this?

Our own private plane.

You know, I've never even been on a plane before.

Mr. Solo!

Welcome aboard, gentlemen.

Will you have coffee or tea?

Ah.

Oh!

You have three pictures.

I want them.

You will give them to me

or I shall be forced to introduce

your charming companion here

to the pleasures of free fall.

Don't give in to him.

There's a time for heroics and a time for prudence.

Napoleon?

[sighs]

Thank you.

[intense music]

And now, not without some regret on my part

we must say goodbye.

(Randolph) My colleagues and I have a rendezvous below.

You will continue your journey alone.

It won't be a long one.

There is just enough fuel to take you

out of the blue Mediterranean.

The aircraft is now on automatic pilot

and when the fuel runs out..

Happy landings.

Go.

[intense music]

The weatherman says the water is lovely today.

I've got it.

Ms. Rogers.

This just came in, sir.

From the Flight-6 Captain.

The plane was hijacked in Austria.

THRUSH got away with Mr. Solo, Mr. Kuryakin, and the girl.

Clear the emergency channel.

Red alert. Attention, radar control.

Get a fix on UNCLE plane, Flight-6. Top priority.

[instrumental music]

Come on, let's stand up.

- Both together. - Wait.

Help me get up.

Push. Up.

[Sandy grunting]

Mr. Solo, do you read me?

[dramatic music]

[beeping]

Alright, now. Work your hands out.

[groans]

[beeping continues]

Okay...alright.

Get the rope off.

My other hand.

Get it out.

[groaning]

Come in, Mr. Solo.

Come in, Mr. Solo.

I read you, sir. Loud and clear.

What's the situation?

Moderately desperate, sir.

Correction. Desperate.

Both fuel gauges already read zero.

According to our calculations

you're within 12 minutes

of emergency landing field Charlie.

- The Balearic Islands? - 'Right.'

Lock in on homing signal frequency.

Red, Abel, Baker, Seven.

(Solo) 'Done, sir.'

[music continues]

If this was my car..

...I still have a gallon and a half left.

Well, with this bird, a gallon and a half

will last us for about 12 seconds.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Ah, welcome back.

Oh, Sandy.

Sandy, uh, Mr. Waverly, this is Miss True.

Well, Miss True.

Well, I'm glad you made it comfortably, gentlemen.

Yes, we seem to have made it

all the more comfortable for THRUSH though.

They now have all three of the Dr. True photos.

All four.

'Amanda's daughter in Rio De Janeiro'

is very nicely married with two very lovely children.

An enterprising journalist asked her for the latest photograph

of her famous stepfather.

And there it is.

For all the world to see.

Including THRUSH.

'Yes.'

And we've just intercepted a THRUSH signal.

They're very busy converting their central complex

to produce gold.

Of course we have no idea where that complex is.

Not the slightest, Mr. Solo.

But we do have one advantage.

And if I may say so, a very lovely one.

You see, you, Sandy..

...are the key to Dr. True's photo code.

Come here, my dear.

Here are the four photographs.

We isolated the symbols on the black boards.

Our experts subjected them

to the most sophisticated analysis.

And found them meaningless.

'So, we decided to be unsophisticated.'

'Play a few simple word games.'

Maybe it's an anagram.

My daddy used to make up funny ones for me

when I was little.

That's quite right, my dear.

So we rearrange the letters

'and came up with..'

'All yours, Miss True. Go ahead.'

"Japanese lullaby."

I'm sorry Mr. Waverly, I don't know what that means.

[sighs]

"Japanese lullaby."

You know, I never thought I'd be pleased that our friends..

...are still alive.

[dramatic music]

[instrumental music]

So silly of me not be able to figure it out.

Oh, don't worry about it.

Maybe when we get to your father's house

in that atmosphere, you'll be able to remember.

Meanwhile, think about something else.

Like what?

[revving]

Hey, did you guys order a-a-a motorcycle escort?

That's no escort.

Duck, Sandy. Duck.

[gunshot]

[tires screeching]

[gunshot]

[grunting]

[Sandy groans]

Get the wheel!

[tires screeching]

[intense music]

[motors whirring]

[inhales deeply]

[device beeping]

[crickets chirping]

[beeping continues]

[engine revving]

[Sandy grunting]

[man grunting]

(Randolph) Crude. Crude, my boy.

We want the young lady to talk to us.

She won't be able to do that if you've, uh..

battered her into unconsciousness.

I won't tell you anything, no matter what you do to me.

Do to you?

Now, don't be silly.

First, a little demonstration.

[machine whirring]

[thudding]

[alarm beeping]

[thudding]

Alright.

No. Don't!

No, please don't.

- No. - Talk.

(Randolph) 'Talk.'

(Sandy) Stop that thing.

I'll tell you.

That's the wrong way around, my dear.

First, you tell me then I will stop it.

Japanese Lullaby. What does it mean?

I'll-I'll tell you.

It r-refers to a friend of my father's in Japan.

He must've sent him the formula.

A friend of your father's in Japan.

What was his name?

I don't remember.

[screaming]

[sobbing] Please, don't kill him.

I'll tell you, I don't remember.

I was a little girl, I don't remember.

You will remember in Japan.

[Sandy screaming]

Sayonara, Kuryakin.

[Sandy screaming]

[thudding]

[tires screeching]

[beeping]

[thudding]

[beeping]

[instrumental music]

Sandy?

THRUSH to Japan.

Oh.

It's all go on this job, isn't it?

Yeah, isn't it just?

Four hours.

We've toured Tokyo for four hours.

I'm sorry, it was a long time ago.

Miss True, believe me, I, uh..

fully appreciate the sentimental overtones of the situation.

The Japanese gentleman

'a fellow scientist of your father's'

'endeared himself to you by singing you to sleep.'

He did. I can even remember the lullaby.

I'm not asking you to sing it to me.

Just tell me his name, and where to find him?

I'm trying.

Daddy brought me here to some conference.

It was a, a big building, modern, with fountains.

And we even visited the lullaby man.

But I was a child, I don't remember.

I give you another five minutes.

[instrumental music]

I think that's it.

Uh, M-Marine Museum.

That's where we went. I can't remember his name.

But his office, it's up there.

[oriental music]

Please, don't give me away.

I'm in great danger.

Please?

Okay, teenybopper, you stick with us.

[speaking Japanese]

Overseas operator wants to know Uncle what?

Just UNCLE.

[speaking Japanese]

They've got no phone number for uncle.

Oh.

Ask them to trace Mr. Waverly.

[speaking Japanese]

They say what initial?

Just, um, Mr. Waverly in New York.

That's all I know.

Listen, can't they start with the first Waverly in the book

and keep calling till they find the one with UNCLE.

[speaking Japanese]

Supervisor say it's impossible.

They must have first initial or can't place the call.

Oh, well. I gotta get outta here.

Wait a minute. Where will you go?

I don't know.

Then you stay here. They never find you here.

Oh, you don't know them. You can't hide from them.

Oh, yes, you can. Right here.

Mina.

Well..

[speaking Japanese]

What are you doing?

In this place, a girl can spend entire life

and no one ever know.

What kind of a place is this?

A geisha house.

A geisha house?

You mean, all you girls are geisha girls?

Most famous in all Tokyo.

Which is why you must not disgrace us.

Not to ruin our reputation.

Me ruin your rep?

Well, what do you plan to do with me?

To make you one high-class geisha girl.

[girls giggling]

(Kuryakin) That's a photograph of the girl, inspector.

She was brought to Japan against her will.

(inspector) Interesting.

This girl, answering the same description..

...was reported to us by a taxi driver

entering a certain geisha house.

Geisha house?

Geisha house? Sandy?

[speaking Japanese]

Now no one will ever know you.

No kiddin'.

[Sandy chuckles]

[whispering]

Two foreign gentlemen outside.

I told you it was no use.

Don't worry.

[speaking Japanese]

Good evening. You gentlemen has reservation, yes?

(Solo) Regrettably no.

(Kuryakin) We understand that you have a friend of ours here.

Miss Sandy True.

Uh, yes. Uh, come in.

She told me she was expecting you.

Oh, she did?

You know, uh, when homesick

think of friends.

Loneliness flees.

- It's ancient haiku. - Haiku?

It's a classic form of Japanese poetry.

'It has to have exactly 17 syllables.'

My favorite is

"The old pond, a frog jumps in, plop."

- Uh, please, take shoes off. - Yeah.

Uh, Sandy, uh, is here though, is that correct?

Uh, yes, Sandy, very much here in bath.

Japanese bath, very hot, take long time.

Uh, you gentlemen like to have tea while waiting?

Well, thank you, but, please, don't worry about us.

Oh, no worry, please.

Friends withSandy-san.

Mina.

Not be like other gentlemen.

Always business.

No time to make happy.

Uh, please.

If you don't mind, I'd, uh..

rather like to keep my coat on.

I can see why.

Uh, those guns, old American tradition?

Uh, yeah, old West. Yeah.

Please.

Well, if it'll make you happy, um..

[girls giggling]

[girls laughing]

- Please sit down. - Uh, must we?

We'd like to look around a little bit.

We've never been in a geisha house before.

Speak for yourself.

Oh, then we must show your friend

the ancient tea ceremony.

Most traditional, shows virtues of hospitality.

Uh, a quiet contemplation of feminine beauty.

Oh, well, I'm all in favor of that.

Uh, I'm afraid we must postpone

that pleasure for some other time.

Oh, please, for you I make very fast.

[speaking Japanese]

- After you. - Oh, no.

Japanese custom. Gentlemen sit, geisha serve.

Oh, alright.

[speaking Japanese]

[grunts]

[speaking Japanese]

[speaking Japanese]

Oriental custom.

Guests must bow in return.

[instrumental music]

Sandy, you see. You have nothing to worry about.

Oh, but what have you done? These are my friends.

I thought you said--

This is Mr. Solo,Mr. Kuryakin.

(Sandy) From UNCLE.

[speaking Japanese]

I'm so sorry. So sorry.

[oriental music]

I always understood that geishas

were dedicated to making men happy.

Oh, it depends on man.

Sometimes happy, sometimes not.

If tired businessman, not as tired as he thinks

and wants more than conversation

we use samurai chop.

You mean, you knock us out with a paper fan?

- Uh! - 'Very effective, no?'

Steel ribs, uh?

Uh, perhaps, UNCLE would like to hire

a girl with fans for special assignment.

Excellent idea. Why don't you submit that to Mr. Waverly?

If it's so very excellent an idea

I suggest you present it to Mr. Waverly yourself.

Mr. Waverly? Very big man?

Yeah, he's big zaibatsu. Number one.

[beeping]

- It may be number one. - Kuryakin here.

Your whereabouts and situation, please.

Whereabouts, Tokyo. Situation, extremely pleasant.

[oriental music]

What is that I hear, Mr. Kuryakin?

A group of charming young ladies, sir, and a koto, sir.

(Waverly) Oh, I see.

Well, I suppose this has something to do

with the tracing and rescue of Miss True?

Yes, she's duly traced, sir.

She's, uh, sitting here with us.

(Waverly) 'Splendid! And we've identified our Japanese Lullaby man.'

'His name is Dr. Sazami Kyushu.'

We know his name, sir, but it seems

he disappeared five years ago.

Quite so. But we've traced him.

'He can be found with his beggar's bowl'

'at the East Gate Temple.'

[gong]

I am humbled and honored, Sandy

that your good father, entrusted with me

his secret for a little while.

You were the one man he knew

who couldn't be tempted by gold.

We are all tempted.

All the time.

That is why

I abandoned the world of science

and took up the beggar's bowl.

I think I understand.

Sandy..

I think I understood your father

better than any man alive.

And perhaps

I know how he felt

when this discovery forced itself upon him.

He realized it's potential for evil.

Therefore, he wanted this formula

to be held in trust

to a day when mankind

can use it.

This is your responsibility, gentlemen.

Bury it deep

and guard it well.

If you don't mind, I'll have that.

No!

This is a house of peace.

You cannot desecrate..

[gunshot]

[intense music]

[grunting]

[grunts]

Gentlemen, you have my respect..

'...as worthy and courageous adversaries.'

'In fact, I respect you so much'

'I want you to see the full extent'

'of the THRUSH victory'

before you die.

The polar cap.

'The perfect cover for THRUSH Central Complex.'

'On your right'

'our nuclear power output.'

Over there, the most sophisticated weaponry plant

'ever conceived by man.'

But I specially direct your attention, my friends

to the central area.

'There, quite simply, we shall make gold.'

[dramatic music]

Your father was a genius, Miss True.

If genius be defined as originality plus simplicity.

His gold-making method was astonishingly simple.

A method of subjecting sea water to intense pressure

at a hypothermal temperature.

Imagine, tons of gold.

Tons pouring into our storage vats.

With gold as plentiful as dust

won't it lose its value?

We will control its rate of release

don't you worry.

We won't.

Before you die, you'll see history in the making.

When gold production starts, lock them up.

[intense music]

(Sandy) Hey, I thought you guys had some marvelous gimmicks

sewn in the pattern of your neckties.

Not this trip.

No knockout gas in one of your buttons?

Not this shirt. No.

And you can't even get on one of those

transistor ballpoint pens of yours and holler help.

Confiscated when we were searched.

Graceful surrender seems to be

the most dignified course left open to us.

Imagine giving up like that.

Well, it takes great imagination

to even think of us getting out of here.

- Infinitely. - Defeatists.

What does the impetuous child expect us to do?

Escape?

With our customary ingenuity

bravado, flair, dash, et cetera.

Oh, ah, yes.

Yes, I'm supposed to say something to you

very elliptically, like, uh..

"Pawn A to Kings may deploy."

And you understand what I mean and we go into one

of our daring escape routines.

Mm-mm, wouldn't that be nice.

Hey, look. We're on TV.

Hi, there.

- They're spying on us. - Mm-hmm. Wave.

Just, uh, checking if you're comfortable, my dears.

Well, it is a bit austere.

And a little too antiseptic.

No serious complaints then?

Oh, we haven't even been shown the menu

and we are getting hungry.

Food, at a time like this?

'I'm sorry to seem inhospitable'

'but I doubt it, there'll be time before--'

Oh, we don't want anything elaborate.

The condemned are traditionally entitled to a last meal.

Touche.

Get them anything they want.

I'll have, uh, bacon, uh, eggs.

White toast, grapefruit, coffee.

How can you? I wouldn't even give them the satisfaction.

Tomato juice, a pair of kippers, French rolls

tea with lemon and the young lady will have a salad.

- I'm not eating anything. - You be quiet.

Just bring the oil and vinegar separately.

[beeping]

- Mm-hmm. - Alright.

Isn't that nice?

Sandy is surprisingly quiet.

Sandy is absolutely disgusted.

Frightened.

Child is obviously frightened.

Talk to her, Illya.

(Solo) Get her to eat something.

Quietly.

Oh..

Come on, Sandy.

[whispers] We are getting out of here.

Why don't you watch Napoleon make some salad dressing?

[whispers] No questions. Just do as I tell you.

Then maybe, you'll, uh..

feel like eating some..

- Let me check. - Yes.

(Kuryakin) The salt and pepper.

- Now then, uh.. - 'Well..

(Solo) 'Mm.'

Uh-huh.

[Solo whistling]

Uh, uh, uh, achoo!

- Oh. - Mm.

Where'd it go? It's here somewhere.

[whistling]

[explosion]

[dramatic music]

[grunting]

[grunts]

Sir, they've escaped from the cell.

Alert all stations. Shoot them on sight.

[chuckles] Excuse me, I've just escaped.

Can you tell me the best way out of here?

[grunts]

"You are here."

Yes, I know where we are, but we want to be

where they're making the gold.

Uh, must be there. Up.

Up.

The pressure's coming up

to ten thousand pounds per square inch.

Have you notified the substation?

Yes, sir. We are in constant contact with them.

Not a single thing must go wrong.

Danger to the whole plant.

Sir, if anything goes wrong

everything goes wrong.

Don't worry, it's been triple-checked.

It's impossible for the pressure to go beyond ten thousand.

[dramatic music]

[grunting]

[grunting]

What are you men doing? Playing with the pressure?

It's progressing normally.

Not according to her, and she's from central control.

- Central control? - Who are you?

Show 'em.

[grunts]

The, the pressure control valve.

It'll blow the entire process

if pressure builds one pound above ten thousand.

Just like a pressure cooker.

Yes, except we wanna blow up the entire kitchen.

And that's the way to do it.

How do you reach it?

You...follow the green pipes.

[intense music]

[gunshots]

[gunshot]

[gunshots]

[grunting]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[gunshots]

[beeping]

[gunshot]

[gunshots]

[screams]

[beeping]

(Randolph) What's wrong? We must not exceed ten thousand.

I can't understand, the automatic cut-off

'should have gone on at ten thousand.'

[siren wailing]

[gunshots]

You see?

Gold! Gold!

[Randolph laughing]

[explosions]

[instrumental music]

Wouldn't you know, we were in time

to save the world, but we're late for Imogen's wedding.

Oh, look, they're coming out.

A little bird, uh, whispered

that, uh, you paid for the bride's trousseau

and her reception.

And why not, Napoleon?

When the father of the bride is not available

(in unison) the next best thing is an UNCLE.

Quite so, gentlemen. Quite so.

[instrumental music]