Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[whistles]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[air hissing]

[music continues]

[sighs]

[gun cocks]

[grunts]

[explosion]

[gunshots]

[gunshots]

[chuckles]

[grunts]

[gunshots]

[grunting]

No use leaving it in there, old boy.

Makes it really hard to get my shirt out now, wouldn't it?

Better leave it to the doctor. Seriously.

Well, yeah.

- Cleaned up out back? - There were only four.

Alright, check upstairs.

[sniffs]

[dramatic music]

Smile, Kitt, you're on camera.

[gunshots]

Beautiful. Simply exquisite.

Who was the one in command?

That, my dear, was Napoleon Solo.

Considered the top agent of United Network Command

for Law and Enforcement.

I wanted you both to see how handily he could neutralize

an entire 12-men complement.

THRUSH could use a few agents of Mr. Solo's caliber.

Hmm. We'll have them, my dear.

You know, it takes time to develop a good agent.

After all, Serena..

...you were not built in a day.

Pilot, hold the course to New York.

Yes, sir.

It's time to begin phase two of the August Affair.

[dramatic music]

(man on projector) 'The attack upon our THRUSH Headquarters'

'in Australia was made by the United Network'

'Command for Law and Enforcement.'

'Their assault force was led by one of their American agents'

'Napoleon Solo.'

'He's seen here approaching a secret entrance'

'to the UNCLE Headquarters in New York City.'

'The other man in this photograph is Illya Kuryakin.'

'Another agent working for UNCLE.'

'The rest of these photographs were taken by one of our agents'

'who is now dead.'

'This is inside the tailor shop'

'from which through a dressing room'

'UNCLE agents gain entry to their offices'

'by operating a concealed switch.'

'From the tailor shop, agents move'

'through a steel enclosed corridor'

'passing various detection devices.'

'Here in UNCLE's communications room, we see Napoleon Solo'

'and Illya Kuryakin together with Mr. Waverly'

'who is number one of section one.'

'Let's have a closer look at these men.'

'Mr. Waverly, one of the top five men in UNCLE.'

'He will assign the agents to carry out the August Affair.'

'Illya Nickovitch Kuryakin represents a danger'

'to our plans, in that he is a very close friend'

'to Napoleon Solo.'

'Kuryakin might detect some flaw.'

'Steps are being taken to...eliminate him'

'before we start to take over the August Affair.'

'And, of course, there is... Napoleon Solo himself.'

[turns off projector]

Voice pattern's not yet perfect.

Resonance still registers 0.2 decibels plus treble.

No problem, a minor larynx adjustment

will take care of that.

A bit more cartilage in the upper nasal area.

The hairline raised, the larynx adjustment, of course.

We have five days maximum.

- By then we should be ready. - Splendid.

And then you'll be ready for your August Affair.

[intense music]

(male #1) 'You'll be a perfect double for Napoleon Solo.'

- Mr. Solo, how was New Guinea? - Hot.

While you were gone, uh..

"Sandy, Peggy, Sandy

Sheila, Sandy, Joyce, Sandy, Sandy--

Active little thing, isn't she?

Very.

Mr. Waverly is waiting for you.

[clicks tongue]

[sighs]

[telephone ringing]

[jazz music]

[ringing continues]

[sighs] Coffee, tea, or milk?

- Did I awaken you? - Not yet.

You're beautiful.

Hey, no fair peeking.

Who is this?

Napoleon?

[moans]

Napoleon Solo!

I love you, Napoleon Solo.

Sandy?

Well, I just arrived back in town.

Who is, uh, that?

Oh, that's my new roommate, Taffy.

She's a girl. I mean, she's a stewardess too.

[sighs] We just got in from a flight from Rome.

Well, I'm sorry, I just wanted to know

if you could, uh, possibly have dinner tonight?

I'll be ready at 6 o'clock, darling. Is that alright?

I may not be able to wait that long.

Then you stop by yourself, darling, and I'll catch up.

Muah.

I have a dinner date at 6 o'clock.

And I don't have a thing to wear.

That will never go out of style.

[dramatic music]

- Good morning, sir. - Not really.

Perhaps this will make your morning a bit more

uh, cheerful.

'A little something from Australia.'

'Microfilm, an in detail report..'

...complete with coded copies of documents

taken from THRUSH files after our raid.

'It might tell us something.'

Oh, we can't tell until we break the code, can we?

No, sir, but I'm sure that section four, uh..

You'll handle it.

Have your Russian friend give you a hand.

I'll, uh, get on it, uh, first thing tomorrow.

I want it before you leave tonight.

I, uh..

Yes, sir.

[sighs]

[sighs]

[machine clacking]

[jazz music]

(Sandy) 'More champagne, darling?'

[chuckles] 'Of course, you will.'

'Oh!'

[sighs] Mm.

Mmm.

[glass shatters]

Hmm.

Sweet.

Oh, you sweet, lovable

beautiful, sexy man, you..

[indistinct]

Goodbye, Napoleon Solo, wherever you are.

[glass shattering]

Illya, would you, uh, mind doing me a favor?

[scoffs] I was wondering when you'd get around to it.

You don't mind finishing up alone?

No, I've, uh, got my computers to keep me warm.

Thank you. Oh, there is one more thing, uh--

Mm.

Oh, I'm sorry. That's Russian.

[sighs]

[chuckles]

[sighs]

[jazz music]

Oh, Bobo!

Oh!

[whispers] You're so sweet. Yes.

[sighs]

Hmm.

[sighs]

[knock on door]

(Solo) 'Sandy? It's me. Napoleon.'

Ha! Ha!

[knock on door]

Sorry, I'm entertaining a gentleman!

It's okay, Bobo darling! Get back into bed.

I'll be there in a minute.

[knock on door]

Goodnight, Mr. Napoleon Solo!

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

[knocking]

Would you mind? We'd like to be alone!

[clicks tongue] Well, I thought I'd just, uh, come along as a chaperone.

- Do you forgive me? - No!

I hate you, Napoleon Solo!

I'm sick and tired of being stood up by you.

Well, I'll never stand you up again.

Now why don't you just sit back and relax?

No! I want you out of my life!

Out! Out! Out! Mm. Mm.

[sighs]

Uh, sorry, old boy. Three is a bit of a crowd.

What would you like to do later?

[air hissing]

Oh, I feel like Italian food.

Mm.

You don't feel anything like Italian food.

- I don't? - No.

You feel like, um, lady fingers.

- Mm. - And cream puffs.

[chuckles]

'And sponge cake..'

(Solo on mic) '...and strawberry crush.'

(Sandy on mic) 'Mm.'

Can we monitor them now on the television screen?

No, I think Mr. Solo is entitled to his privacy.

There's a time when prying ends and a sense of morality begins.

Goodnight.

[robots whirring]

[dramatic music]

[explosion]

[explosion]

[gunshot]

[music continues]

I think someone is sending their Christmas presents

a little early this year.

Operation Robot failed.

Shall we try another method? Over.

No, we don't want them to become any more suspicious

at this point.

We'll have to chance that his Russian friend

won't see through him.

[sighs] Rendezvousat point A.

'Oh, and have the robot operator'

'report to me right away.'

[jazz music]

[indistinct chattering]

[music continues]

To the most beautiful airline hostess in the world.

To the most beautiful liar in the world.

Oh, and tell me about the day you flew back from Rome.

It was gay and it was exciting.

- And it was very lonely. - Lonely? Why?

I meet a lot of very interesting people, but somehow..

...they're gone before I really know them.

When are you leaving, Napoleon?

In a few days.

Mr. Solo, telephone.

Thank you. Excuse me.

(Sandy) 'Alright.'

Hello.

Hello.

[sighs]

The one in the middle seems to be a gun.

It's one of the more overt status symbols.

Napoleon Solo would never blow the head of a beautiful girl.

Well, not even when the beautiful girl

is a THRUSH agent?

THRUSH? What's that?

Well, now you remember, sweetness

that international band of renegades

that wanna rule the world.

'THRUSH, you know, where you pick up'

'your paycheck every week.'

Oh, we work strictly on commission.

[gasps] Oh, I see, well, what is the, uh

going rate for kidnapping UNCLE agents?

I'm not going to kidnap you.

I merely want to discuss something with you. Privately.

Well, you see, I have this odd behavior pattern

that whenever I go to strange places with strange women

I get hit on the head by strange men.

- But you keep doing it. - Well, I'm trying to quit.

But you can't.

Neither of us can afford to waste time.

I'm here to discuss the August Affair.

I, uh, don't understand that.

So you will have to come along and find out, won't you?

- Perhaps later. - 'I'm sorry.'

'The timetable calls for tonight.'

And you know the August Affair can't wait.

Brace yourself.

[gasps] Uh, Sandy, um, I'll tell you.

I know, this, uh, seems like an unusual--

May I have my wrap, please, miss? The black sequin stole.

I know you're not going to believe this

but this was just a chance meeting.

You see, I came up here

to answer the phone, and the young lady--

Oh, thank you very much. Here you are, dear.

- Oh, waiter. - Yes..

Is that our order?

Spaghetti Milanese.

Oh, Mr. Solo might like to see that.

[grunting]

- Scusa, pretesto. - Aah!

Yes, uh, scusa. Uh,Carlos, may I have the check, please?

Si.

[sighs] Thank you.

[sighs]

Alright.

[jazz music]

[jazz music]

Let's talk.

Let's kiss.

[sighs] Well, we can't talk

and kiss at the same time.

Let's try.

Are you just playing for time..

...or are you just playing?

Perhaps a little of each.

Napoleon.

Mm-hmm.

Somehow, I keep smelling spaghetti Milanese.

- I'm sorry. - Mm, but you wear it well.

Do you wanna have a shower?

If you promise not to attack me.

I promise.

[music continues]

[music continues]

(Solo) 'You promised not to attack me.'

(Serena) 'How can I attack you'

'when you're pointing that thing at me?'

(Solo) 'Sorry.'

How would you know about the August Affair?

(Serena) 'It's entirely possible I went through your dossier'

'and read some of the reports.'

It's also possible that you might be lying.

'All things are possible.'

[dramatic music]

[music continues]

This room isn't bugged.

I checked.

Mm.

[sighs]

Shall we sit down?

- Fine. - The August Affair, remember?

Uh.

Hmm.

When is it going to take place?

- What? - The August Affair.

- When will you leave? - Oh, I don't know.

It's, uh, very difficult to, uh, book passage

during the tourist season.

[doorbell buzzing]

Oh! Excuse me, I'll get it.

I-I'm sorry, uh..

I'll get it.

Time to, um, get back to business.

Come in.

[dramatic music]

You wouldn't put a bullet through your own head..

'...would you?'

[switch clicks]

[music continues]

[clears throat]

Open Channel D.

(woman on radio) 'Channel D open.'

Solo, section two

you may take the direction finder off me now.

Situation is back to normal.

Thank you for your cooperation, Mr. Solo.

'You've helped position us for phase three'

'of the August Affair.'

(man as Solo) 'I'm afraid our poor Mr. Solo will have a splitting headache'

'when he awakens in the Austrian Alps.'

Perfect. Absolutely perfect.

Not really.

[dramatic music]

(male #2) 'Will the real Napoleon Solo stand up, please?'

'I trust you're quite comfortable.'

As a matter of fact, I'm not.

Would it be presumptuous of me to ask where I am?

- And what have I done for this? - I'm afraid you would.

Be very careful not to harm him.

We must keep him physically perfect

for the moment.

[grunting]

[groaning]

Sorry.

(female #1) 'Yes, sir.'

'Yes.'

Yes, sir.

Right away, sir.

[dramatic music]

[music continues]

- Napoleon. - Illya.

Mr. Waverly.

You must have put in a long night

decoding the microfilm, Mr. Solo.

Well, it, uh, had to be done, sir.

Mr. Solo, Mr. Kuryakin here will accompany you

on the August Affair.

Fine.

Sort of, uh, breaking in a new career.

(Waverly) 'I, uh, I don't want to seem fatalistic, Mr. Solo'

but every now and again, I have a feeling that your days

on this earth are numbered.

Well, I am sorry you feel that way, sir.

Yes, well, you'll begin acquainting Mr. Kuryakin

'with all the details of the August Affair immediately.'

Can I be told the purpose of this affair?

(Waverly) Well, for the moment, you may know this much.

You and Mr. Solo will proceed to Washington.

'At our headquarters there, you'll meet two agents'

and you'll be given a briefcase to transport abroad.

And what does this briefcase contain?

The new combination to a vault.

The combination is changed in the month of August every year.

It's UNCLE's responsibility

to see that the combination is delivered.

Uh, the, uh, the vault

what does it contain?

Perhaps the very fate of the world.

'You'll be told when you arrive at your ultimate destination.'

Your latest credentials.

You'll report to me at the usual time.

Good luck.

Thank you.

Beautiful digs you have here, Mr. Waverly.

Kitt Kittridge, sir. Section two, Australia.

Mr. Kittridge. I'm glad to know you personally.

We have glowing accounts of your work.

- Thanks, sir. - Sit down.

After six years with UNCLE, it's..

...nice to get a look at the main headquarters.

What's the mission, sir?

Four of our top agents are carrying important data

from, uh, point A to point B.

You'll trail along behind to give protective covering

against ambush or attack.

Fine, sir. Just who are these agents?

Oh, yes.

Arsene Coria

'our Sicilian department'

'Namana, African'

'Illya Kuryakin, our Russian agent'

and Napoleon Solo.

I want you to avoid direct contact with any of them.

What if Napoleon says hello?

Ignore him. He'll understand.

Yes, sir.

Yes, and..

...since our identity photos don't show you with a beard

Mr. Kittridge, uh, is the, uh, is the beard real?

No, sir, it's a fake.

I've got the real one in my pocket.

[laughing]

Yes, well.

Good day.

Yes, uh, well, uh..

[instrumental music]

[plane droning]

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

Mr. Solo. Welcome back to Washington.

Thank you.

You've changed.

- How? - Your shaving lotion.

It's a gift from my mother.

[shaver whirring]

[clears throat] Good morning.

Bonjour.

I am Arsene Coria, Sicilian Headquarters.

- Napoleon Solo. - Illya Kuryakin.

- How are things in Sicily? - Busy.

If it's not THRUSH, it's the mafiosi.

Oh, I'm sorry, but I was all night on plane from Rome.

My name is Namana, of the Liberian section.

Napoleon Solo, and this is Illya Kuryakin.

- It's a pleasure. - 'And Arsene Coria.'

I, uh, worked with your brother, Ashanti. How is he?

My brother was killed.

Are we all ready?

The rods activate an electronic combination device.

If the case were to be opened improperly

acid would be released from the walls of the case

destroying the contents.

Va bene.

[dramatic music]

There you are.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Stewardess?

I'll, uh, just have some coffee.

And could you get me a, uh, needle and thread?

I've got a loose button here.

Yes, sir.

He really is very interesting-looking.

That miserable rat. Pretending he didn't even know me.

He's probably married and, uh, someone in the group

knows his wife.

He would have told me if he were married.

- Sometimes they forget. - Oh, that rat.

Your coffee, sir.

- Oh! - Oh, I'm sorry.

Was it hot?

No, no, just a little bit sweet.

Oh!

[dramatic music]

My orders were, "The case was always to be in sight

of at least two of the three carriers."

Oh, yes. We are getting a bit, uh, sloppy, aren't we?

[music continues]

[device humming]

[dings]

[beeps]

[buzzes]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

Uh, your needle and thread, sir. May I have your jacket?

Well, I'm afraid it's, uh, too late.

I seem to have lost the button.

Are you sure you haven't lost all your buttons?

[sighs]

[music continues]

[knocking]

Being a bit snobby, aren't you, mate?

It's a bit, uh, risky for proper greetings, Kitt.

Right you are.

How is the shoulder wound?

Never realized a bullet would make such a nasty mess

of one's shoulder.

I believe it was a knife wound in the left shoulder.

[chuckles] I must be getting old. My instincts are failing me.

I thought I was onto something most diabolical.

Really? Like what?

Like THRUSH having a double for you.

[sighing]

[dramatic music]

[whispering] Cyanide.

Damn it.

The bloody camera that THRUSH was monitor..

You saw me there.

- Trouble? - You recognize him?

No.

He's a THRUSH agent I encountered once in Vienna.

- He just tried to kill me. - Is he dead?

Very, I'd say.

My bearded friend..

...this card says you're a diabetic.

And apparently..

...you died before anyone could administer the necessary aid.

Good morning, Mr. Solo.

Anything I can do to make things more comfortable?

How long would you say I have to wear all this costume jewelry?

Now be patient and please don't struggle.

You might bruise your wrists.

When they find your body at the foot of the mountain

we want it unmarked

except for contusions sustained in the sudden stop.

To that end, I have a surprise for you.

[instrumental music]

Nina is an expert masseuse.

Well, at this stage of the game, I'm really not..

(male #2) 'We want to preserve the natural body tone.'

'The normal balance of the gland [indistinct]'

Relaxed condition of the musculatures.

Nina, proceed.

Hmm. Nice perfume.

[music continues]

[clears throat]

I tell you, I'm much more demonstrative

when I'm not chained up.

My instructions are to see to your physical well-being.

I tell you, being...chained up like that

gives me kind of a...cramp in my latissimus dorsi.

You have a very well-developed latissimus dorsi.

Is that right?

[whispering] Very well developed.

That's kind of you to notice.

Go back to your duties, you miserable pervert.

[dramatic music]

[tires screeching]

- Bye. - Bye.

- Thank you very much again. - You are very welcome.

Am I the last?

Oh, your friends have already disembarked, Mr. Kuryakin.

Uh, I wanted to, uh, freshen up before departing.

Comb my hair.

What line of work are you in, Mr. Kuryakin?

I pretend to be a businessman, but I'm really a Russian spy.

And what do you do when you're not playing stewardess?

In the off-season, I'm a fullback for the Chicago Bears.

If I-I might have known.

Do you think it would be alright for an all-American fullback

and a Russian spy to have a drink together later?

It might help to preserve the peace.

[dramatic music]

[screaming]

Excuse me.

He was a diabetic.

[dramatic music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[equipment humming]

[dings]

[dings]

[buzzes]

You've been chosen to bear a burden

imposed on few living men today.

But first, I must warn you, each and everyone of you

to be extremely cautious once we have entered the cave.

Do we, uh, open the case now?

No, not until we've reached the vault

which is 180 feet beneath the surface.

You will wear these special protective goggles at all times.

And again, I must caution you.

Be extremely careful not to remove them at any time.

- Is that quite clear? - Yes.

And now, gentlemen, if you'll please put on these coveralls.

Security measures, as you can see, are quite extensive.

In recent years, scientists from many nations working together

found themselves on the verge of a discovery.

Discovery of such awesome power

that the most deadly nuclear weapons

would be literally negated by the use of this power.

They were faced with an appalling fact.

'That a weapon would have to be constructed'

to utilize this immense power.

(Kuryakin) They would build such a weapon?

(female #2) The choice was not altogether theirs.

We've picked up radio waves from space for a number of years.

However, another aspect of the situation

is known to only a few.

And that is, some of these fragments..

...according to some of our finest scientific minds..

...establish a pattern.

(man as Solo) And that pattern indicates that someday

we might be assaulted from beyond the stars.

Who can tell?

It is more than theory, but less than a proven fact.

And against such a possibility, it was agreed

the counter-weapon would be Project Earth Save.

[dramatic music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

As you can see, as each capsule is decoded

by the machine... it is destroyed.

So that no man on earth will know the combination

we feed into the computer.

Correct.

When the vault is open, it creates a tremendous vacuum

'caused by the electromagnetic radiation'

'from the high energy gamma rays.'

'Now one word of extreme caution.'

'You must remain at a safe distance from the vault.'

'The electromagnetic gamma rays'

'create a kind of rapture and a hypnotic effect'

'which causes anyone who looks directly into it'

to throw himself into the vault.

Gentlemen, this is Project Earth Save.

- Namana. - 'Don't touch him.'

Don't move, don't move.

He tried to adjust his goggles. We've got to--

(female #2) 'No, no, don't touch him.'

'He'll drag you in with him.'

[dramatic music]

(female #2) You can't save a man who no longer exists.

Mm, excellent. My compliments to the chef.

Could use a might more salt though.

Whatever you wish, Mr. Solo.

[glass shattering]

Mr. Solo..

...I'm afraid we can't allow you to eat

mashed potatoes with ground glass.

And that filament from the light bulb

may give you indigestion.

Excuse me.

For being naughty, you'll have no dinner..

...and no more light bulbs.

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

Hi there, gentlemen.

I believe you have reservations for us.

Oh, yes, Mr. Solo.

I've already had your luggage brought to your rooms.

You and Mr. Coria have Suite Eight.

Mr. Kuryakin and..

...Namana?

There will be just three of us.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Had not the four of you intended to go mountain climbing?

I'm sorry, but I'm, I'm not up to it.

- Do you mind? - Perhaps tomorrow.

Whatever you wish.

Hanz. Hanz!

Show these gentlemen to their rooms.

Oh, Mr. Solo, I have a message for you.

- I'll, uh, join you later. - Anything important?

It, uh, could be. Yes.

How was the trip?

Well, uh, fortunately, Namana met

with an unfortunate accident.

Darius Two is ready to rendezvous Solo

for the last phase.

Ah, yes, the last phase.

This afternoon, I will climb the mountain

and take the real Napoleon Solo from his cell

just 15 miles from here and push him off a cliff.

A climbing accident.

And in two months, the assault force

at our observatory will be ready, and then..

The attack will begin from headquarters.

Once we reach the vault with the combination

in our possession, Project Earth Save is ours.

And no force in the world can resist us.

Darlin', you can't imagine what a time

I had trying to find you.

I had the entire airline working on it.

Oh, it's so wonderful being together again now, isn't it?

Mm.

Well, I see you have your maiden aunt with you

all the way from New York.

- Do you mind if I join you? - Oh, please do.

You've travelled a long way from New York to catch us.

Oh, well, you wouldn't think I'd let him get away

that easily, would you?

I admire your spirit, Miss, uh..

Sandy. My friends call me Sandy.

Uh, Sandy, I tell ya, I'm-I'm, uh, sorry, uh

but this is kind of a business event you're here at.

It's rather hard to explain--

You don't have to explain a thing, darling.

We were planning a hike to the mountains--

- Oh, I'd love to go. - Oh, fine.

Um, why don't we plan to leave in about an hour?

- Shall we all meet here? - Hmm.

- Um, I'm going to change now. - Oh, me too.

I'll see you in one hour.

[dramatic music]

[music continues]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[gunshot]

[alarm buzzing]

(Darius) Too late, Mr. Solo.

I already activated the auto destruction mechanism.

Neither of us has any chance of escape now.

The entire place will be destroyed.

But not for 30 minutes.

[dramatic music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[bike engine revving]

[grunts]

[music continues]

[gunshots]

[music continues]

[gunshots]

[music continues]

[explosion]

And so I became the first lieutenant

in the Russian Navy to set fire to an igloo.

- Illya. - Yes?

- Are you really Russian? - Yes.

Well, what do you think of the Americans?

I find them very charming

but, uh, I wouldn't want my sister to marry one.

[sighs]

Nazdravi.

Would you teach me some Russian?

I would like to teach you all about Russia.

Our music, our art.

- Your romance? - Our theater.

Your virility.

Our poetry.

Your love songs?

Phone call for you, Mr. Kuryakin.

- Kuryakin. - 'Kuryakin.'

(Waverly on phone) 'This is UNCLE Alex.'

Yes, UNCLE, it's good to hear from you.

- How was your flight? - 'Very nice.'

The, uh, the diabetic who died suddenly

was an UNCLE from Australia.

[intense music]

[sighs]

[sighs] Well, as I recall, in New York

you found a hot bath quite..

...stimulating.

Darling, the ingenious plastic surgery of THRUSH

can make a sow's ear look like a silk purse.

But it will never feel like a silk purse.

There's no time to play.

You may have caused this whole plan to backfire.

Don't have any fear. I'll take care of Sandy.

What about the man in the red beard?

The way you eliminated him was stupid and clumsy.

I had no choice. He was an UNCLE agent.

So why didn't their agents recognize him?

And why didn't they report him missing?

(Kuryakin) 'Because we didn't know that the man'

with the red beard was covering us.

I'm sorry to interrupt, Napoleon.

It's alright. You weren't interrupting anything.

We were just leaving.

He would have had more savoir faire than to leave.

[grunts]

Oh, yes, you're right, Mr. Kuryakin.

[dramatic music]

[sighs]

There's also trouble at headquarters.

You're to contact them immediately.

How do you like your UNCLE agent?

Well done, please.

[speaking foreign language]

[machine buzzing]

[sighs]

[grunts]

[foot tapping]

(Kuryakin) 'Help. H..'

Illya, what happened?

[mumbling]

Uh, Namana, Solo..

Something wrong. He tried to kill me.

- Who did? - Solo.

But I thought he was your friend.

No, no, there's another Solo.

No time to explain.

[whistles]

Solo's escaped.

The last report was that he was headed this way

on the Zirnon Highway.

- What do we do? - Get a message to headquarters.

Order an attack on the stronghold

if I don't contact our men by radio in two hours.

Attack? Now?

The plan was for Solo to die in a climbing accident.

Now if we can effect a similar accident

the plan can continue as scheduled.

But-but the others.

Alright, Solo and the girl will have to..

...will be found dead at the bottom of the cliff.

And you'll be a victim of amnesia.

They will have no reason to suspect

anything worse than a lovers' quarrel.

That's right, and we'll have the combination

to Project Earth Save, and we can use it

when the time is right. Get the message to headquarters.

I thought you two might try to slip away.

- Get out of that car. - Well, I was only--

- I said get out of that car. - Napoleon.

- Get out. - Please.

[dramatic music]

[gunshots]

How can you be sure we'll intercept him?

This is the only road to the lodge from our headquarters.

Look.

[intense music]

[gunshot]

[dramatic music]

[grunts]

[music continues]

[gunshot]

[rumbling]

[explosion]

THRUSH is going to be very disappointed in you, Serena.

Are you, uh, sure you wanna go back?

As I said, I think, uh

THRUSH is going to be very disappointed in you.

That's not my fault, darling.

I delivered you, which was my primary assignment.

Oh, such bad marksmanship though.

Really, killing the wrong Solo.

By accident?

By accident.

So you thought the game was over

and you'd switched sides for a moment

to earn my gratitude.

As long as I do have your gratitude

what difference does it make?

At any rate, THRUSH will never know of the incident.

You won't tell them and..

...since the auto-destruct explosion

has levelled the entire camp

I'm the only survivor of the August Affair.

My story is the only story.

I see. Mm-hmm.

So therefore, the failure of THRUSH

is due to one of your dead confederates.

Of course.

And now since out of your gratitude

you are going to let me go

'I have to leave now.'

Illya might be a little bit put out with me.

- Why is that? - I tried to barbecue him.

Oh, he's very broad-minded about that sort of thing.

Ciao, bella.

Ciao.

[instrumental music]

Where's your college chum?

Oh, she went back for a post graduate course.

- Mm-hmm. - Now, uh, what, um, is this?

Chicken noodle soup.

Napoleon Solo, you love chicken noodle soup.

- I do? - Yeah.

How do you know I'm the real Napoleon Solo?

How do you know that the real Napoleon Solo

wasn't killed on the mountain?

Well, there's one way to find out.

Ah, the poor man.

Obviously, his incarceration has taken a dreadful toll.

Can he stand up under this new assault?

He's a dedicated man.

Actually, this is a conditioned reflex with him.

When an attractive woman passes, he responds automatically.

His arms reach out.

The less fortunate among us have to think and plan before we act.

I have now spent five seconds thinking and planning.

Now I must act. Excuse me.

[instrumental music]

- And Brand X? - The real McCoy.

Well, why don't you try again? Just to be sure.

[theme music]