All language subtitles for Project.X.2012.EXTENDED.1080p.BluRay.H264.AAC-RARBG

What up, my lovely females! This is
your boy, Costa, your host for the evening.

Behind me is Thomas Kub's house.
Today is Thomas Kub's birthday.

And this is Project X, yo.

[SINGING]
Hey, we want some pussy

[HUMMING]

Hey, we want some pussy

Birthday cake. Mm.

- Dax, my dick is gonna get so wet tonight.
- Excuse me.

Shit. Um, Mrs. Kub,
I thought you guys left already.

- So, what's getting wet tonight?
- Uh...

Nothing. I'm sorry about that, Mrs. Kub.

- Who's your friend?
- Don't worry about him.

We're shooting this birthday movie
for Thomas.

Like this day-in-the-life type thing.
No big deal.

He's still in the shower.

See you later.

[WHISPERING]
Fuck me, that was close.

Dax.

[SHOWER RUNNING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Happy birthday, motherfucker!

Whoa, shit! What the fuck, dude?

COSTA: What the fuck?
- I'm jerking off to your mom.

COSTA: So, dude, it's your last day
of being a loser. How does it feel?

THOMAS:
You're such a dick, Costa.

Shit never gets old.

[WIZ KHALIFA'S "WHEN I'M GONE"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

COSTA [SINGING]:
Wait for another day

What's up, Dax?
How'd they rope you into this?

He's one of J.B.'s guys from Gay-V Club.

He's a fucking weirdo, I know,
but he's a solid shooter.

And he's gonna make us look pimp,
and you fucking better.

DAD:
Thomas, get down here!

Oh, shit. Let's go.

[MUSIC STOPS]

COSTA:
You said your parents would be gone by 7.

I don't wanna go talk to your fucking dad.

DAD: No food in the living room. Your mother
will kill me and I'll have to kill you.

- Here's 40 bucks for pizza, okay?
THOMAS: Oh, cool.

DAD: You guys can have that.
Knock yourself out.

Back door or turn the alarm system off.

And look, Thomas, I'm not an idiot.
I know you're gonna have friends over.

- Dad, what do you think is gonna happen?
- Mr. Kub, honestly, we have no...

Mm-mm. I'm sorry. Who are you?

THOMAS: This is Dax.
DAD: What is this?

THOMAS: He's shooting a movie
for my birthday, you know, a little present.

DAD: Didn't know you had Goth friends.
THOMAS: He's just a friend from school.

DAD:
Four or five friends, tops.

I'm just asking that you please
respect my house, okay?

THOMAS:
All right, fine.

DAD:
So leave the gate open for the gardener.

And I know I don't need to tell you,
but my car is off limits.

- Yeah, Dad, I know.
- Good. Okay.

The pool heater, don't touch it.

And also, guys,
do not go in my office, right?

I have three projects I'm working on.
I don't want anybody in there, clear?

- Get out, out, out.
THOMAS: Dad...

Nothing goes in here, right?

Where's your mom?
I'm gonna get the bags.

DAD:
What's going on? What's the matter?

- I'm just worried.
- About what?

I don't know.
Thomas, leaving him alone all weekend.

Oh, please, stop it. Come on, honey.
He's 17 years old.

That's what I'm worried about.

Let's be realistic here, okay?

This is Thomas we're talking about.
He's not exactly Mr. Popular.

- What is that supposed to mean?
- I'm just saying that he's not that type of kid.

He's got a couple of friends. They're gonna
hang out, but they're not gonna do anything.

He's a sweet kid, but...

...he's a loser.

ALL [SINGING]:
Happy birthday to you

[PARENTS APPLAUDING]

DAD: Happy birthday, Thomas.
- Whoo! Yay!

DAD:
All right, honey, car is here.

- Boys, gotta get to school.
THOMAS: Cool.

Hold on. We gotta give Thomas
his birthday present.

How cool is it that Thomas
was born on your anniversary?

What a great anniversary gift, a baby.

MOM: Happy birthday, sweetie.
THOMAS: Ahh.

- Mom's minivan? Nice.
DAD: Yeah.

It's just for school and back.
That's it, right?

- Yes. Thank you so much.
- Cool, right? You have a car now.

THOMAS: I know.
- Okay.

And, Milo, you take good care of Thomas,
okay? Momma's gonna miss you.

- Okay, bye.
- All right, see you guys.

Every one of my phone calls
gets answered, right?

- Yeah, I know.
- Every one. Okay.

- All right, have fun.
COSTA: Bye.

THOMAS:
Happy anniversary.

Get off me, you little faggot dog.

- Yeah!
- It's on, motherfuckers!

- Whoo!
THOMAS: Dude, chill out. Goddamn.

COSTA: It was really cool of your mom and dad
to clean it out and wash it for you.

It's a free car.
I'm not about to complain about a free car.

It's not even a car. It's a fucking minivan.
We can't even roll in this.

Dude, too bad your dad didn't give you
the Benz. That'd have been sick.

You know what, you're right, Costa.
Let's just take your car.

- Oh, you don't have one.
- Good fucking joke, good fucking joke.

COSTA:
So, dog, you ready for tonight?

THOMAS: I actually wanna talk to you
about that, you know, before we jump into it.

COSTA: I knew it. You're bitching out.
THOMAS: What?

What? Dude, I'm not bitching out.

Thomas is bitching out
like the little bitch that he is.

THOMAS: Fuck you.
- Oh, my God.

[THOMAS LAUGHING]

- Oh, shit.
- We need this party. You need this party.

THOMAS: I'm just nervous.
What if nobody shows up? What if it sucks?

COSTA: That's not an option.
People will show up.

Look at J.B. He's like a little fat
Rain Man, texting away.

[HORN HONKS]

THOMAS: Dude, stop.
COSTA: You're telling me he doesn't need this?

Holy shit, dude. Your parents gave
you the minivan? That's awesome!

- Yeah.
- Hey, Costa. Hey, Dax.

BRENDAN:
That isn't happening. That's not real.

THOMAS: Uh, excuse me...
GIRL: Sorry.

Hey, can I get to my locker right there?

Dude, why are you staring at my dick?

[ALL LAUGHING]

I wasn't. My locker's there.
Can I get to it?

- Whatever, you fucking weirdo.
COSTA: Dude, just let it go. Just come on.

- Hey, that's a sweet minivan, soccer mom.
- See? See what I told you?

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

BOY: Is it true what I heard about you
at Zam's party?

You got a blowjob from his mom?

That party was so sick.
Everyone got laid.

Wheelchair Robert even got a handjob.

BOY: Nice.
- Are you kidding me?

Why the fuck weren't we
at that party, man?

So we missed a party, dude. Big deal.

It is a big deal. We miss every party.

I mean, did you hear that guy?
Wheelchair Robert got beat off.

I wanna show you something.
See this? Check this out.

That's Stasia. Gorgeous, right?
That's my girl back in Queens.

We could be crushing this kind of ass,
but we need a game changer.

I mean, no one even knows who we are.

If we want to be bigtime players,
we need to make a bigtime play.

You feel me?

J.B., what the fuck, man?
Why do you have a boner?

- I don't, it's just my underwear sitting funny.
- Cover up.

COSTA:
That's absolutely disgusting.

THOMAS: It's easy to talk shit when
the party's not even at your house.

COSTA: Dude, please don't back out.
This party is gonna change everything for us.

Okay. Well, I mean,
I'm the one taking the whole risk.

All you do is show up and drink.

You think we'd ditch you
if something went wrong?

- I'm fucking offended, man.
- Yeah, me too.

The idea behind tonight is
to get these bitches...

...to recognize us as large-scale ballers.

Back in Queens,
I had hoes blowing me on the reg.

- I started hanging out with you two. Zero!
- I just don't really see the point anymore.

COSTA: How do you not see the point?
There's the point. There's the point.

THOMAS:
Okay.

COSTA: There's two more fucking points
right there! It's all around you.

THOMAS:
Dude, I get it.

If you fuck this up, I will stab you.
I'm not kidding.

- Okay, no more than 20 people.
- Twenty people?

- All right, 30 people.
- Thirty people?

- To make sure my house doesn't get fucked.
J. B: Thirty people won't change anything for us.

All right, look, okay, 50 people,
absolute max.

Fine, 50 people, absolute max.

You know, just big enough to be cool.

MAN [ON TV]: Sand, an adversary in many ways
more dangerous than those carrying weapons.

Mass marketing, handled.

[CELL PHONES VIBRATING]

- Shh.
COSTA: Yeah, of course, Jack. Anything.

And if you guys get there
before we get there...

...you can just get in the backyard
and set up...

...and do what you gotta do.
- Dax, Dax. Go film over the top.

COSTA:
Okay. Really, we appreciate that.

Oh, uh... I have to call you back, sir.
I'm sorry.

What are you doing?
Get the fuck out of here!

THOMAS: What the fuck are you doing?
- Guys. Hey, guys, what the fuck?

[J.B. & THOMAS LAUGHING]

COSTA:
Are you fucking with me right now?

J. B: Look.
COSTA: That was a business call for your party.

THOMAS:
Who takes a shit and makes a business call?

COSTA: Are you kidding?
THOMAS: Now you can shit in peace.

COSTA: Come on, dude. I can't see a thing.
It's dark as fuck in here.

[COACH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

COSTA:
Dax, come on. Let's get closer.

GIRL: Heh, heh.
THOMAS: It should be pretty cool, I think.

Basically chill.

I'm letting Costa plan most of it.

Oh, that sounds like a really
brilliant idea.

No, he's doing a good job. He's getting,
like, a bunch of booze and then...

...I think, like, a DJ.

- A DJ. Super chill.
THOMAS: Ha.

Guess what Mama Kub
and Papa Kub got for...

- Baby Kub?
...Baby Kub for his birthday.

- What?
- The Kub Mobile.

- They gave you the minivan?
- For my birthday, yes.

Your parents give the worst gifts ever.

- Where's your present?
- You serious?

You haven't gotten me a present
in 10 years.

So?

But since I am a better friend than you,
I did get you something.

- Oh.
- I'll bring it tonight. Hey, I have to go run.

- Happy birthday, loser.
- Ow.

- Don't trip.
KIRBY: Ow!

THOMAS: Oh, shit!
KIRBY: I'm okay! Heh.

COSTA: Thomas, suck my cock.
THOMAS: What?

- "Mama Kub and Papa Kub"? Jesus.
- Yeah, those are my parents, asshole.

THOMAS:
Damn, she's so fucking hot, dude.

- Think she'll come tonight?
COSTA: I'm not inviting her. You do this one.

J. B: Alexis won't come.
She fucks college dudes.

[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]

"Lamel"? What? I don't know any Lamel.

COSTA:
No, he's cool.

Guys, the last thing I want in my house
is a bunch of randoms.

Wrong. Last thing you want
is nobody at your fucking house.

The more word gets around, the more likely
these chicks will show up at our party.

Watch and learn how
Captain Big Dick does it.

[GIRLS CHATTERING]

Hey, girls. Just remember,
wear something tight.

What's up, sisters?
Thomas Kub's house, 8:00.

Come get a piece of this white chocolate.

DAX: Are you gonna be going to
Thomas's birthday party tonight?

- Thomas? Who's that?
- Who's Thomas?

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

That thing that dick in
the sweater vest was telling us about?

COSTA:
What's up, baby? Eight o'clock.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

DAX: What are your expectations
for the party?

Get high, fuck bitches, you already know.

- I think we'll come. Can we bring people?
- Can I bring people?

COSTA:
Thomas Kub's house, 8:00.

Oh, shit!

Ahh!

[THOMAS LAUGHS]

COSTA: What we are witnessing is truly
a breathtaking moment...

...in the life of young Thomas.

The helpless fetus is growing
a tiny, tiny penis...

...a penis he may someday insert
into this female's vagina...

...should he survive his first encounter
without her eating him.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Paper towels. Get long.

THOMAS: Don't!
- Dude, get a ton.

Oh, shit. Extra-large condoms.
I'm not paying for that shit.

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Attention, valued shoppers.

THOMAS:
Oh, my God.

Join us for an evening of balls-deep
entertainment at Thomas Kub's house.

Dude, stop.

COSTA [IN NORMAL VOICE]: Hey, little buddy.
Want something to drink? Hey.

J. B: He's gonna catch him
and he's gonna get his ass kicked.

[CRYING]

THOMAS: You guys, we good on OJ?
COSTA: Sunny D, dude.

Grab it. Throw it in. I love...

How are we doing on eggs?

Holy shit, dude. It's Miles Teller.

- Dude, it is. That's him. Holy shit.
J. B: He's so badass.

COSTA: Yeah, my boy's starting
at second base for USC.

J. B: He got sent to detention once
and banged the teacher.

Mi-Tell, what's cracking, bro?

- We go to North Pass.
THOMAS: Yeah, dude, big fans.

COSTA: Huge fans.
- Cool. Awesome.

COSTA:
Look, we're making a movie.

J. B: Invite him, man. Come on.
THOMAS: All right. Okay. Um...

We're having a soirée at my place tonight.
If you wanna swing by, it should be...

My boy is underselling this
like a motherfucker.

This shit's gonna be legit.
You should swing by.

Yeah, I can't. I actually got other plans
tonight, so I might not make it.

Dude, think about it. It's on Dickens Street.
We'd love to have you.

- Uh, Dickens Street?
COSTA: Yeah.

That's your party? You're throwing that?

That's where I'm going.
Heard it's gonna be crazy.

That's my party. I'm Thomas Kub.
It's my birthday today.

Yeah, I heard it's gonna be unlimited
high-school pussy.

COSTA:
Dude, high-school pussy for days.

What? Mind your own business, lady.

MILES: How you guys doing on liquor?
You got liquor?

THOMAS:
Uh...

Don't even worry about it, man.
I'll bring it, call my boys up.

- Don't want you to sweat anything.
THOMAS: Thank you so much.

Hey, it's your day. Cool.
See you guys tonight, then.

THOMAS: All right, cool.
- Dickens Street.

- Teller, bring your mitt. We'll play catch.
MILES: No.

- Fuck.
- "Bring your mitt"? The fuck?

[OVER SPEAKERS]
Nothing like black pussy on my dick

Word to the motherfucking DJ Quik

Okay, here's what I want.

Party's limited to the backyard, okay?

The house'll be locked
and the alarm'll be set.

- No one is going inside, all right?
COSTA: Stop.

- Throw down in the bushes?
THOMAS: I don't care.

If I don't fuck a girl with big tits tonight,
I'm drowning myself.

Don't care if she's 300 pounds.
I have to fuck a girl with big tits.

THOMAS: Oh, my God.
COSTA: Feel my drift, J. B?

J. B:
Sure do.

I mean, I'd love to get some oral or,
you know, at least do some finger-banging.

What? Finger-banging?
Can you please elaborate?

You take your first finger,
your thumb and your middle finger.

Make a "come here" motion. "Come here."

This is called "machine guns"
or "friendly scissors."

The "circle of pleasure."
The "itsy-bitsy spider."

Tapping and circling. Tap, tap, tap.

Keep telling her how pretty
she is the whole time.

Shut the fuck up!

- Your loss, man. It's good knowledge.
THOMAS: Oh, my God.

COSTA: Straight up here, then take a right again.
THOMAS: All right, listen.

The three of us will have full access
to the house for sex and finger-banging.

COSTA: Yes.
THOMAS: But no one else, okay?

COSTA:
Of course, bro, we got your back.

- Hey, take a right.
THOMAS: Here?

COSTA: You're gonna want to lock your doors.
THOMAS: Are you serious?

COSTA: Yes, I'm serious.
THOMAS: Where the fuck are we going?

T-Rick's.
Gotta score some of that chronic shit.

J. B: Are you sure this guy's cool?
COSTA: T-Rick's the coolest.

He's ex-military. Wait till you see
his gun collection. Fucking insane.

J. B:
This place is ghetto as fuck.

THOMAS: Why do we have to come
all the way here? We can't just get it at school?

Where do you think the school gets it?
This is wholesale.

THOMAS:
You are literally retarded.

COSTA:
Ah, shut the fuck up.

J. B:
Ah! Fuck.

COSTA:
T-Rick, open up.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Hey, what's up, bro?

- I haven't seen you in a minute, Costa.
- Yeah.

- Nice to see you.
- How are you doing? Everything copacetic?

Everything's great. You upgraded the dish.
Looks great.

Yeah, I fucking did, upscaled it.

- Upscaled it. I fucking did.
- Yeah.

- These are my boys, J.B. And Thomas.
J. B: Hi.

All right, yeah, yeah.
Come on in, come on in.

[DOG BARKING]

Oh, yeah, that was a 12-millimeter
semi-automatic Mossberg Maverick.

- I'd love to go to the range with you.
- Yeah, that's a good idea.

Going on the range,
get it all out of your system.

Pretend you're killing cops, if you want.

[OVER SPEAKERS]
You're beautiful

You're beautiful, it's true

I saw your face

In a crowded place

All right, well, I'll get your stuff.
Here, stoke up the fires, buddy.

COSTA: Oh, man, you the man.
Fuck, yeah, T-Rick.

T-RICK:
Yeah, kick ass with that.

J. B:
Hey, can we get going?

THOMAS: Costa, come sit down, dude.
He's about to fucking...

COSTA: Check it out.
THOMAS: What are you doing?

Fucking stop.

[COSTA GRUNTS]

That's technically a homosexual act.

[COSTA MOANING]

I'm coming on Santa Claus's face.

THOMAS:
Costa, he's coming back.

- Dax, take it, take it.
DAX: What the fuck are you doing?

J. B: Dude, are you stealing it?
COSTA: No, we're just borrowing it.

We need a fucking mascot for the party.

J. B:
Jesus Christ.

T-RICK:
Here you go.

Let's do this, I gotta be at the dojo by 5.

- Absolutely.
- Cool.

See, I told you guys,
T-Rick's just a sweetheart. Mm.

[SNIFFS]

Smell it, J.B.

- You little fucking cocksuckers!
COSTA: Oh, fuck!

- Give me back my fucking gnome!
COSTA: Fuck!

J. B: Give him the gnome back.
Give him the fucking gnome back.

COSTA: No, fuck that! Just go.
J. B: Get out of here!

COSTA: Oh, shit!
J. B: Oh, fuck!

Holy shit, Thomas, he's fucking wild!
He's a fucking crazy man!

Holy shit! He's gone! He fell off!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

- Holy shit, man!
J. B: Holy shit!

[ENGINE STALLING]

[ENGINE STARTS]

THOMAS:
Shit, shit, shit!

That's my boy Tom! That was
some serious fucking shit right there!

THOMAS:
What in the fucking world?

J. B:
Fuck. Shit.

THOMAS: Oh, my God.
J. B: Shit.

THOMAS: God, dude,
he fucking cracked my windshield.

COSTA: Fuck it, my cousin owns a body shop.
He can fix it, no problem, man.

[IN CHINESE ACCENT]
The kung fu no good here.

COSTA: Oh, fuck! Holy shit!
- Give me back my gnome!

COSTA: Holy shit!
J. B: Guy's like the fucking Terminator! Jesus!

- No, he was super pissed though.
J. B: Dude scares the shit out of me.

BOY 1:
Hey, boss.

What the fuck?

COSTA: There he is.
This is Everett and his boy Tyler.

They're running security for the night.

THOMAS:
Are you serious? Are those nunchucks?

- Yeah.
THOMAS: Oh, shit.

J. B: Look like ninjas.
- Ninjas are fucking pussies!

COSTA: I love this kid.
- You know it.

COSTA: With these two,
we got nothing to worry about.

- We're outside the Kub house.
BOY 2: Hey.

- We have bogeys.
BOY 2: What up, Costa?

COSTA:
Do I know you guys?

We heard about your shindig tonight.
We want in.

COSTA: You freshmen?
- Yeah.

COSTA: Get the fuck out of here, man.
- Come on, dude.

COSTA: Are you still talking?
Get the fuck out of here.

KYLE:
Dick!

[THOMAS CHUCKLES]

COSTA: J.B., drop those bags.
We got work to do.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi. Good evening, Mrs. Stillson.
My name's Oliver.

This is my friend Jonathan.

- And we're both friends of Thomas Kub's.
- Oh.

Yeah, we're hosting a little birthday party
for Thomas.

And we wanted to give you
the courtesy of informing you...

...that there'd possibly be
a bit of party-related noise.

I wanted to give you my number
in case you had problems or concerns.

You're a very beautiful woman.
Call me anytime you want.

- Thank you. That's very sweet of you.
- I mean that when I say that.

You are very beautiful.

- A little party for Thomas. He lives there.

Am I invited?

- Yeah, dude, fine. Yeah, you can come by.
- Nice.

Thank you very much.
Have a good time at your party.

COSTA: Thank you, I appreciate this.
Come by anytime you want.

- All right, see you.
J. B: All right.

- Bye, baby.
COSTA: See you guys.

[COSTA & WOMAN SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[DOG BARKING]

J. B: Hi, uh, my name's J.B. I'm a friend of
Thomas Kub, your neighbor across the street.

I just wanted to let you know
that we're gonna be having a party...

...and it may get a little loud and noisy,
but I just wanted to let you know...

...that if you have any concerns,
just let me know and I'll be glad to help out.

You can call me, uh,
you could send me a text message.

I'm an open guy. I even have
a Facebook account. You can send me:

"It's a little too loud," and I'll be like, "I'll tell
them to keep it down." You know how it goes?

[THE HUNDRED IN THE HANDS' "DRESSED
IN DRESDEN" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

THOMAS: DJ's over there.
J. B: Cool.

- Um, got the bar set up over here.
- Nice.

- Karaoke in the pool house.
- Nice.

Holy shit, dude!
Where'd you get a bouncy-house?

- Costa hooked it up.
- You know it, baby.

Fifty bucks extra with the port-a-potty.
And they threw these in for free.

J. B: Nice touch.
COSTA: Why not? It's a birthday party.

You wanna help? Do something.

- Hey, Chubs, grab your twin brother there.
J. B: Fucking dick.

- Hey, dudes, check it out.
THOMAS: Yeah, like that's gonna work.

COSTA: Yes, it is gonna work. Next time
your pool guy's here, he'll be like:

"Excuse me, Mr. Kub. I seem
to have found some water in your semen."

That's fucking disgusting.

COSTA:
J.B., I thought I told you to pick up ice.

I did. It's in the freezer in the garage.

- What the fuck are you doing?
- Getting in shape for the party.

- The party's in three hours.
- It's mostly water weight.

- Wrestlers do it all the time.
- Wrestlers also wrestle all the time.

- Crank this thing up.
- No.

It's not gonna work
unless you crank it up.

Stop. Stop. Stop.

- Let's go, come on.
- Dax. Dax, help me.

- No, Dax, you're here to observe.
- Help me! Dax! Aah!

Jesus Christ! Are you all right, dude?
Oh, my God, J.B., are you all right?

An hour from now,
this place is a fucking madhouse.

Not a madhouse, just gonna be a fun,
decent-sized party.

Relax. For you. You.

Me. Dax.

DAX:
Thank you, I don't drink alcohol.

Okay, faggot.

- To one sick fucking night.
- Cheers.

[YACHT'S "PSYCHIC CITY (CLASSIXX REMIX)"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Come on over, over

[GRUNTING ON VIDEO GAME]

COSTA:
Shit! Come on!

Yes. How are you so fucking bad
at this game, Costa?

COSTA: Shut up, Kirby.
You're killing my concentration right now.

KIRBY: Ha, ha! Thomas, come here!
COSTA: Fucker!

KIRBY:
I'm kicking Costa's ass!

Oh, watch this.

COSTA: Shit!
KIRBY: It looks like I win.

COSTA: Fuck you.
- You guys, it's like 9:20 already.

COSTA: Dude, relax.
People are gonna show up. I promise, bro.

KIRBY: Getting late.
- I'll look like such a dick if no one shows.

Shut the fuck up. It's pissing me off that
you don't trust me to know what I'm doing.

I'm the hub of a large social circle.
I put the word out, it goes out.

THOMAS:
Okay, cool.

- Oh, shit.
COSTA: What the fuck are you wearing?

KIRBY: My God.
THOMAS: Nice.

KIRBY: You're gonna get laid, dude.
- Ladies love a guy with class.

Are you retarded?

Jesus Christ, man.
Where do you even get shit like that?

- Men's Wearhouse.
- Men's Wearhouse? Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[HORNS HONKING
AND CAR DOORS CLOSING]

KIRBY:
What is it?

J. B: Wow, dude, this is fucking...
THOMAS: I can't believe it fucking worked.

COSTA: What did I say?
Don't doubt the master, bitches!

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

COSTA:
Dude, we done good.

J. B:
Jesus, all those chicks are really hot.

COSTA: They're coming in packs.
THOMAS: This is insane.

[SPEAKS IN HEBREW]

[OVER SPEAKERS] Beat it, I bet she let me
She been fiendin' since she met me

I'm the coolest shit
Especially when I throw on all my Gretzky

Got my Smith and Wessie to protect me
So respect me

[ALL CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]

COSTA:
What up, baby girl?

Andretti on Pirelli
Make a movie out the getty

Where my ring and my confetti?
I'm Kobe Bryant ready

Pink rosé and chronic smelly

THOMAS:
Dude, this is way more than 50 people.

COSTA:
Of course it is, it's plus-one.

That's fucking Alexis, dude.
She came, man.

THOMAS: Damn, dude.
J. B: Whoa.

COSTA: Thomas, this is your party,
and she's the hottest girl here.

- That better be yours tonight.
- Damn.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[OVER SPEAKERS] White trash party
Pull a fifth of Bacardi from out of my underwear

And walk around the party without a care

- Where the fuck is your drink, Thomas?
- I'm between beverages.

What the fuck does that even mean?
J.B., get this bitch a drink.

Yeah, all right.

[SINGING]
Everybody in the club gettin' tipsy

Who's that dude with the mustache?

COSTA:
Oh, that's LaRosa. He graduated.

THOMAS:
When, in 1986?

Hey, will you at least try
and have a good time?

Whoo!

BOY 1:
Got it? You tie it?

BOY 2: He's good. Ready to go.
BOY 3: Blast off.

[ALL CHEERING]

[OVER SPEAKERS] Pennies up at skinnies
Man, I do this for them bunnies

That is not fucking cool.

GIRL:
Oh, my God, it's a flying dog!

'Cause, homey
That hood is tighter than Kenny's

BOY 4:
It's just like Up.

THOMAS:
It's my fucking dog.

I gotta record this.

Are you serious right now?

- Fuck this, I'm putting him inside.
- Let me help you.

THOMAS:
Hey.

[DOG BARKING ON VIDEO]

Can you imagine
if your mom ever saw that?

THOMAS:
It's my fucking dog.

Poor Milo.

I don't know. It's pretty funny.

- Maybe I'll post it on YouTube.
- No, don't, don't, don't.

Seriously, stop. Stop.

KIRBY:
Come on, you're way too easy. I love it.

THOMAS:
I hate you.

You'll be okay, Milo. I promise.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING
AND CROWD CHEERING NEARBY]

All right, well, um,
we better get back out there.

[FAR EAST MOVEMENT'S "CANDY"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

BOY 1:
Hey, yo, Kub. Hey, yo, what up, dog?

THOMAS:
Yo, what's up, bro?

Let me see what you got
Now shake that thing

- Hey, man, what's up?
BOY 2: Nice party, man.

Hey, thanks. Would you guys mind
getting off my dad's car?

It's just he'll go crazy
if anything happens to it.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- All right.

- Thanks, man, I appreciate it.
- Yeah, no problem.

Thomas! You're taking a bullet
from me right now.

- What is that?
- Tequila. Just fucking take it.

- All right. Fuck, dude.
- Come here. Come on.

Ladies, who wants to take a shot
with the birthday boy?

- Hell, yeah.
- Whoa, uh... Oh.

THOMAS: Careful.
COSTA: She's a professional. Open up.

Take it. Oh, my God,
she's got a deep throat.

- Okay, open up, open up. Now.
GIRL: Yeah!

[OVER SPEAKERS] Say what
Bitch, I'm about to blow up

J. B: Pardon? Oh, hey.
GIRL: Hey.

- What's up, guys?
- Well, we did it.

This is amazing. How did we get
all these people to show up?

Check it out, guys.
I'm pretty sure it's that girl from Playboy.

THOMAS: Who?
COSTA: Oh, my God, it is her.

She graduated three years ago.
She's in Playboy's Pac-10 issue.

- Dibs.
- Yeah, like that's gonna happen.

Well, I want to declare it, just in case.

[HORN BLARES]

- Whoa.
- Oh, shit.

TYLER:
We're fucked!

THOMAS:
What? Oh, hey, what's going on?

- There's people in the house!
THOMAS: Oh, shit.

- Hey, Costa.
TYLER: I'm understaffed.

- Come on, I need your fucking help, man.
COSTA: Goddamn it.

J. B:
Wow. Whoa.

[GIRLS CHEERING]

Hey. Hey, hi. Hi. Welcome.
Welcome to party. Welcome, welcome.

- Yo!
J. B: Miles!

Little dude. What's up, man?
How we doing?

- That's Ashley, Rachel, Sarah.
J. B: Hi, hi.

I brought all these people to your party.
Fucking camera creeps me out.

- Yeah, it's... Don't worry.
MILES: Let's go.

I'm talking about the fucking people
in the house.

My parents are gonna crucify me
if anything gets fucked up.

I don't care if everyone thinks I'm a dick.
I'm getting them out of the house. Now.

Fuck, hey, stop, seriously.

COSTA:
Dude, what the fuck are you doing?

- Please don't embarrass me like this.
- Hey, listen up!

ALEXIS:
Yeah, Thomas! Whoo!

[ALL CHEERING]

Yeah, bro! Birthday boy on the table!
That's what I like to see, baby.

- You having a good time?
- Yeah.

Come on, guys, let's start making
some drinks. Let's get crazy in this bitch.

TYLER:
Can I help you, sir?

- I'm here to see Thomas.
- First and last name, please.

I'm Rob, the neighbor.
Who the fuck are you?

- I'll ask the questions, sir.
- Exactly. Get the hell out of my way.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Rob, hey. What can I do for you, man?
- Hey.

Look, man, I don't mean to be
a dick here or anything.

Oliver came over earlier and told me
you guys were having a little party...

...but this is too much.

Yeah, we actually should be winding down,
like midnight, I mean, maybe 1.

- Is that okay?
- No, it's not.

The baby can't sleep,
Melinda works early tomorrow.

Fuck, yeah!
My boy Rob is here to rage! Mwah!

- Good to see you.
- Actually, I'm not raging.

I'm telling Thomas
it's time to shut it down.

You can't be serious.
This is a great party.

I am serious, because it's 11:30 at night.
It's time to wrap it up.

J. B:
Hey, hey, hey.

Why don't we bring everyone to the back,
lower the volume?

Guys, this isn't a request.
The party's over.

I guess we're just gonna have to
agree to disagree, then, aren't we?

Listen to me, Thomas.
Either shut it down or I'm calling the cops.

Ahh.

Fine. Fuck it.
I'm calling the fucking cops... Aah!

COSTA: Fuck!
THOMAS: Oh, shit!

Jesus fucking Christ!
What'd you do that for?

COSTA: Are you kidding me?
I will fucking kill you!

The little fuck Tased me!
I'm definitely calling the cops now!

You punched a kid in the face!
I'm calling the cops on you.

Do it, genius. It's all on tape.
I just saw this motherfucker record it.

DAX: All I got was you punching
that little child's face.

Fuck you.

COSTA:
Go home, Robert!

BOY:
It was just a kid, man!

- Are you all right, man?
THOMAS: Is he okay?

You're a fucking champion.

He sucker-punched you.
You'd own that bitch in a real fight.

- You think so?
- I know so.

Fuck that asshole. You're killing it, bro.

BOY: Yo, Costa, what's up?
- Yo, go in the back.

I need you to dial back like 10, 15 percent.
You can't hard-charge all the time.

All right? And lose the Taser, okay?

- Got it.
- Get down here.

We need a post
up at the cockbiter's house.

If he calls the cops,
I want you to radio it over to me, okay?

Get out of here. Go.

Alexis was eye-fucking you,
and you got college girls on your dick.

- You're golden!
THOMAS: Dude, I'm so fucked.

- Relax, man, everything's going great.
DAVE: Shit.

Are you fucking kidding me?
Didn't I tell you two to fuck off?

- Get down here now.
- Come on, there's like 200 people here.

I don't care.
T, get these freshmen out of here.

This is a party for grownups.
Let's fucking go.

Makes no sense.
This kid's younger than we are.

THOMAS: How the hell did they get up there?
- Move it, fellas.

- You too, get out of here.
- That's my boy. That's my boy.

See, the kid's a pro.
We got nothing to worry about.

Dude, you heard Rob, man.
What if he calls the cops?

The guy isn't gonna do shit.
He punched a 12-year-old in the face.

Thomas, everything's under control.
Let's just have some fun.

I got this, okay?

Cannonball, bitches!

[CROWD CHEERING]

[ANIMAL COLLECTIVE'S "MY GIRLS"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[COSTA SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

I don't care for fancy things

Or to take part in the vicious race

This is the Thomas Kub pool cam.

Dude, check it out. Check it out.

COSTA:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, read the sign, honey.

Sorry, I don't make the rules.

[OVER SPEAKERS]
Ray-Ban vision, these ain't no prescription

[CROWD CHEERING]

THOMAS:
No fucking way.

Dude, go over there.

Do you fucking believe this?

[GIRLS SCREAMING]

In this, feelin' tremendous
Lenses darker than the tint on my Benzes

Yeah! Ha, ha!

She told me take my glasses off
But she looks horrendous

[DAX GRUNTS]

I see you haters coming
Niggas don't think that I'm slipping

I got Ray-Ban vision

Whoo!

Whoo-hoo!

[CROWD CHEERING]

THOMAS: Oh, my God!
- Holy shit! Fucking insane!

THOMAS: Oh, my God.
Dude, that sign fucking worked.

You gotta have faith, son.

Would you like a glass of wine?

We've got red, we've got white.
You know, Cabernet, Merlot.

Just another beer would be great.

Uh...

Here we are.

Whoa.

[GULPING]

Wow. Okay.

[GIRL SCREAMS]

[CROWD YELLING AND LAUGHING]

GIRL:
J. B!

[GIRL LAUGHING]

How did this thing get up here?
Was someone in my parents' room?

It's a gnome. I guess he gets around.
Who cares, man?

Well, I just don't want people up here.

Besides, it's creepy. Look at him.

[CLATTERING]

- J.B., what are you looking for?
- To see if your dad has condoms.

I'm working on something.

Only thing you're working on
is diabetes, you fat fuck.

- Oh, dude, Alexis just texted me.
- What? What's it say?

"Body shots for the birthday boy
right now"?

- Dude, it's fucking on!
J. B: Check it out.

THOMAS: J.B., seriously, what are you doing?
- Your dad is a freak.

Stop. Give me that. Costa, stop, wait.
Costa, what are you doing?

- Replying.
THOMAS: Don't. Here, don't send that.

- Sent. Too late, man.
- What did you write?

"I want your ass too, Mommy"?

"I want your ass, Mommy"?
Who talks like that?

I do. The shit works.

Go. Go talk to her.

Oh.

[SNIFFS]

[WHITE ARROWS' "CITY BOY (KKS REMIX)"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Hey, hey, hey, hey

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Wait. No, wait. What are you doing?
Not like that. Not like that.

Like this.

Put this in your mouth.

[SHINY TOY GUNS' "LE DISKO (BOYS NOIZE)"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Your turn.

Kub! House phone! House phone!

Shit. Sorry. Um...

Excuse me. Sorry. Look out.
Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me.

Oh, shit. Sorry.

Dax, close that behind you.

Shit! Dax, find the phone.

[PHONE RINGING]

Um, right, you know what?
Fuck it, just be quiet.

- Hello.
DAD: Thomas. Are you there?

- Dad, hey.
- Where have you been?

We've been trying your cell all night.

- We agreed all my calls would be answered.
- I know. Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

We were out in the hot tub,
so I didn't have it on me.

I don't want to find wet towels
when we get home.

- I want to come home to a clean house.
- Of course, definitely.

- We were just calling... What was that?
- Dude, look at her.

What was that? Thomas?

Nothing. That was Costa.
You're on speakerphone.

We just wanted to call one last time
before going to bed...

...make sure you're all set for the night.

Yep, all good.

I'm actually about to
go to sleep right now, so...

Great. Well, we'll see you Sunday.
Happy birthday, Thomas.

- Thanks, Dad. Good night.
- Good night.

Holy shit.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Fuck, yeah!

BOY:
Oh, shit, I think that's his dad.

What? I'm not here to bust anybody.
I'm just here to party.

GIRL: Ew!
- Come on, "Ew."

Give me a break. You got a ball?

KIRBY: Yeah, man.
- Let's do this.

Here we go. Paxson for three.

Whoa, ho, ho, ho!

Up high!
Come on, dude, right here. Yeah!

Let me have that.

[CROWD LAUGHING AND YELLING]

[NAS' "NASTY" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Hey

Nasty, kid

Hey

What's that, dude? Hold on,
I can't fucking hear a thing you're saying.

Speak up, E.

What? E...
What the fuck are you doing here?

- What you gonna do about it, bitch?
- You're not invited, dickhead.

[BOYS LAUGH]

Fucking asshole.

Bro, what's happening?

EVERETT: Subject is arguing with
an overweight woman, most likely his wife.

She wants him to call the police.
He wants to handle it himself.

He's drinking. They're in the kitchen.

I'm upstairs. Kids are asleep. Over.

Wait, you're in their house?

[STATIC CRACKLING]

Are you fucking kidding me?
E, get the fuck out now!

Negative. I'm a ghost. Out.

What the fuck am I gonna do with this kid?

E! E!

[BONDE DO ROLE'S "MARINA DO BAIRRO"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

KIRBY: Are you having fun?
THOMAS: Yeah, I'm having a good time.

KIRBY:
It's pretty fucking crazy.

Oh, my God.

What was wrong with me?

Wow, this was before Costa.

Yeah, the good old days.

Yeah, back when you were
still in the crew, right?

You used to be so cute. What happened?

Shut the fuck up.

Still looks like me.

Was that weird? I'm sorry.
Shit, that was weird, wasn't it?

- No, it... It was a little weird. Heh.
- Fuck. Um...

[CROWD BOOING NEARBY]

COSTA: Cops on the way.
Get out, everybody! Now!

Everybody in the back!
Get in the back now!

What, are you over there? Get in the back!
Cops are coming! Hurry, let's move!

Move it, move it! Let's go! Hurry up!
Cops are coming! Everybody in the back!

THOMAS:
Costa. Hey, Costa.

COSTA:
Everybody get in the back!

THOMAS:
Hey, what's going on?

COSTA: The cops are on their way right now!
THOMAS: Oh, shit.

Get in the back now!
Everybody move! Let's go!

Keep going! Get in the back now!

TYLER: Get out, police.
EVERETT: They're on their way now.

THOMAS: How do you know that?
COSTA: Don't ask. My boy's in deep.

Gotta clear this fucking beer out of here.

Damn it.

- Is that everything?
THOMAS: Yeah. I got your chalice.

Law enforcement currently on scene.

Standing down, for now.

- I don't hear anything.
- No, it doesn't sound like a party.

Not a party that's still going, anyway.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Here they come.

- Evening, officers.
- Fellas having a party?

Yeah, we're having a small little
birthday gathering for my friend.

I'm the friend, my birthday.

Lot of cars for a small party.

Shh.

[CROWD MURMURING]

The house? Whose is it?

Is there a problem here, officers?

We have a noise complaint.

- You mind if we look around?
- I'd prefer if you didn't.

- We're not asking.
- Excuse me, I'm not a lawyer or anything.

Doesn't the law state that
you cannot enter...

...through a private residence
without permission?

Is there an adult here
we might speak with?

You're speaking with one.
I'm 18 and a half years old, sir.

And, of course, in my culture
I've been a man since my 13th birthday.

So you're telling us we cannot come in?

With all due respect,
technically the law says you cannot.

But what we're saying is, you may not.

I guess both are true. The law says
you cannot because we say you may not.

All right, all right. Props on
the "can/may" bullshit. Very good.

No doubt. Thank you, sir.

OFFICER 1: Just keep the noise down
to a minimum, okay?

Yes, sir. Of course.

Don't make us come back.
You know what I mean?

- Yeah.
- Uh-huh. Of course.

- Good night.
- Officers.

Night.

"Technically the law states..."
Damn Internet.

OFFICER 2:
Everybody's a fucking attorney.

[ENGINE STARTS]

COSTA: Fuck you.
- Dude, Costa. Seriously?

- Fuck you.
- Come inside.

Just come inside. Just forget about it.

[CROWD MURMURING AND CHUCKLING]

To the break of dawn, yo!

[ALL CHEERING]

[KID CUDI'S "PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS (STEVE
AOKI REMIX)" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

COSTA: Holy shit!
THOMAS: What the fuck are you doing?

Thomas, my cousin can replace the window,
no problem. It's all good, man. I promise.

- Where did you get this? It's my mom's.
- Come on, bro. I'm not gonna break it.

[SCREAMING]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Throw it in here, nice and low.

[SCREAMING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

GIRL:
They're pills!

BOY:
It's Ecstasy, bro!

[ALL CLAMORING]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

You heard about this on Craigslist?

Craigslist, yeah. It's on the thing,
on the page, right there.

J. B:
Whoa, we are so fucked.

COSTA: Relax, man.
J. B: We need to tell Thomas.

COSTA: T-Rick's so burned out,
he probably forgot about it already.

J. B:
This is bad.

Mom, Dad, it's me, Thomas.

Um...

I'm drunk. I mean, that's not an excuse.

Hopefully we'll meet again,
so I can explain things.

I don't really have an explanation...

...other than fucking Costa
made me do it. So...

[BANGING ON DOOR]

- Fuck off!
COSTA: Dude, it's us.

THOMAS:
I know.

COSTA: What are you doing in here?
The whole party's outside.

Have you seen my fucking house?

COSTA: We have a whole day
to fix this place up. It's all good.

No, it's not all good, okay? I mean,
what about this? What if my parents see it?

Nobody's gonna see this shit but us.
I promise.

Where did all these people
even come from?

You know a guy down there told me...

...he found out about the party
on fucking Craigslist?

My dad met my stepmom on Craigslist.

So you put my address
on the fucking Internet?

- Well, not just the Internet.
- Shut the fuck up, J. B!

Wait, what the fuck is he talking about?

I had Jesse Marco put out an e-mail blast
and I may have called a radio station or two.

You motherfuckers!

COSTA: You were so nervous
about people not showing up.

Dude, people are spilling shit,
breaking shit, probably stealing shit.

It's out of control.

I wasn't nervous. I wanted the party
to be big enough to be cool.

- Dude, look, back in Queens...
- I'm fucking sick of hearing about Queens.

We get it. Queens is awesome.
We're pussies. I don't fucking care.

[OVER SPEAKERS]
I'm doin' me

I'm livin' life right now, man
And this what I'm gonna do

COSTA:
Whatever happens, we can make this right.

I'll fix this whole house myself if I have to.

Your parents don't even come home
till Sunday. You just need to relax, man.

- You want a massage, bro?
- No, no. Just, stop.

This is my favorite song, guys.

[OVER SPEAKERS]
But my body

My body's

I can't believe, like,
you guys just did this to me.

J. B:
We did this for you.

Look, man, I know you're not a drug guy,
and I respect that about you.

- But right now, this is what you need.
THOMAS: What is it?

COSTA: It's Ecstasy. It'll put the brakes
on your little freak-out. Just take it.

[R. KELLY'S "BUMP N' GRIND"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

All right. This won't totally,
like, fuck me up, will it?

Of course it will, dude.
That's the whole point.

Here.

J. B: Hey.
- You get half of one.

Baby

THOMAS:
All right, just give me like 10 minutes.

[GROANS]

COSTA:
No fucking way, man!

THOMAS: Ow! Get off me.
COSTA: This is your night.

Cut the music. Cut it.
How's everybody doing? It's your host, Costa.

I'm gonna bring up my best friends,
Thomas and J.B.

Get your asses up here right now.

Come on, move your asses.

Come on, J.B., move your fat ass.

The reason you guys are here tonight
is because it's Thomas Kub's birthday.

And we're gonna sing a little
"Happy Birthday" for him. One, two, three.

ALL [SINGING]:
Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday dear Thomas

Happy birthday to you

[ALL CHEERING]

COSTA: Thanks, everybody, for coming.
Let's get the music rocking!

DUDE:
Wait up. Wait, wait.

Wait up, wait up. I wanted to do a birthday
song too, if I can, Thomas. Is that cool?

[CROWD CHEERS]

THOMAS:
It's all right with me, brother.

Will you drop a beat
so I can do a birthday rap? Ahem.

[DJ PLAYING HIP HOP BEAT]

[RAPPING] Yeah
Hey, Thomas

Happy birthday
You can suck my dick if you thirsty

I'm glad your folks are on vacation
I just raided the fridge

And shit in the kitchen

Jew Pesci, go back to New York

You look like smorgasbord of dorks

Yeah, and I bet you got baby dick

The kind that got many AIDS and shit

And J.B., what's up?
You wanna suck my dick

In the back of your dad's truck
You fat fuck

You tub of love
I'm gonna put you in the back of the truck

And give you a back tug
Yeah

[CROWD BOOS]

That's a penis hand job

You look like a little gremlin
And a teddy bear had a baby

What? Fuck you guys then, man.
You all can suck my dick.

Fuck off.

Sorry about that, everybody,
that dude's whack.

Get this shit rolling again.
Come on DJ Jesse Marco. Run it!

[OVER SPEAKERS]
Let's fucking lose it

Get out of your mind

Get out of your mind
Fuck that shit

Fuck, yeah! What's up in this bitch?
Fuckers.

Hey, baby, what's up?
Want some of this?

GIRL: Yeah!
LITTLE PERSON: The fuck you guys looking at?

CROWD:
Whoa!

- You got something to say?
- Buddy, what...? What the...

[CROWD YELLING]

LITTLE PERSON:
Let me go! Goddamn it!

Don't shut that...

Scuffin' shell-toes
Is that nigga dead?

Hey, have you seen Thomas?

We're looking for him.

Well, when you find him, can you tell him
I've got something for him?

Jump in.

THOMAS:
You're breaking the rules, you know.

Ew. Heh.

Why won't you get in with me?

It's just, like, I already went
swimming once against my will.

Wetness.

Ha, ha. Whoa.

KIRBY:
So, Thomas, are you having fun?

- No.
- Not at all?

- Yes.
- You look pretty fucked up.

- I'm a little fucked up.
- But you look good.

- Have you gotten lucky at all?
- I'm pretty lucky right now.

Slow down, dude.

THOMAS:
Fine. Give me that.

- Are you having fun at this party?
- So much fun.

It's just that it's a small get-together.
It should be basically chill.

THOMAS: Look how chill this is.
KIRBY: It's no big deal. I mean, there's two DJ's.

That's not a big deal, right?
When do your parents get home?

I don't know.

KIRBY:
Thomas? Thomas. Eyes up here.

THOMAS: You have great knees.
KIRBY: Thanks.

People don't tell you that enough, Kirby.

COSTA:
J.B., get your fat ass up!

There's a midget in the oven.
Let's go. Come on.

KIRBY: What?
THOMAS: What? What did he say?

I heard, "midget in oven."

[BANGING]

COSTA:
Move the fuck out of the way!

Move the fuck out of the way!

- I'm so sorry, sir. I'm so sor...
- Fuck!

Hey, wrong guy. Wrong guy.

- My God. Jesus Christ.
DAX: No.

LITTLE PERSON: Motherfucker! Motherfuckers!
You fucking cunt!

Why the balls, man?

- Anywhere but the fucking balls.
- Think about it.

Our balls are where his eyes are.

Yo, yo, yo, hey!

I just heard a rumor that all your balls
got attacked by a midget. Is it true?

Please, please, just tell me it is.
I'm praying it fucking is.

Dude, I can't believe I missed it.

COSTA:
Look at your fucking pupils.

- I love you guys.
J. B: Ha, ha.

No, seriously.

Look, I realize I can be,
like, a huge dick sometimes...

...and I'm really sorry for that.

- It's okay.
- No, it's not.

J.B., I'm sorry for buying you a bra
on your birthday. That wasn't cool.

It wasn't cool, man.

And I'm sorry for all the times
I called you Fat Fuck.

J. B:
Mm.

- Chubby Bitch.
- Yeah.

- Fudgy the Whale.
- Okay.

I'm sorry for that time
at your brother's Bar Mitzvah...

...where I told everyone you look like
Rosie O'Donnell, because you don't.

- I don't.
- Hey, guys?

- What?
- Um...

I hooked up with Kirby.

I'm, like, really into her.

Okay, seriously, Thomas,
that's, you know, cool and all.

But she's kind of always been around.

It's like hooking up with J.B.

But her tits are smaller.

- Hey.
- I'm just saying.

Kirby's sort of like one of us.

You know, tonight's about the girls
we never had a shot at.

Tonight's about changing the game.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[ALL CHEERING]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[OVER SPEAKERS]
Heads will roll

Heads will roll

It's crazy out there.

I haven't seen Tyler in an hour.

We were slightly out of our league
on this mission.

[DOOR OPENS]

- Cool room.
THOMAS: Thanks.

[DOOR CLOSES]

It's a bit messy right now.

Here, let me...

[SMALL BLACK'S "DESPICABLE DOGS
(WASHED OUT REMIX)" PLAYING]

ALEXIS:
So it's your birthday.

THOMAS:
Yeah, it's my birthday.

Oh.

I know where they build 'em

I know where they're selling long

Wider than the worst ones
Wider than the one I know

Smoke machine begins to blow

Lines of water on the floor

I know you watch 'em
I know that you want no more

Maybe in the factory
Maybe in the actual world

[DOOR OPENS]

Oh, my God. Thomas?

THOMAS:
Kirby.

KIRBY: Fuck off.
- I'm sorry. Hey, hey, Kirby...

Thomas, what the fuck?

Asshole.

[DOOR CREAKS]

EVERETT: Would you like a hand with that?
- How long have you been in there?

- Fucking shit!
- What are you doing?

[FIREWORKS WHISTLING]

[THE KILLS' "CHEAP AND CHEERFUL
(SEBASTIAN REMIX)" PLAYING]

THOMAS:
Kirby!

Kirby!

[ENGINE REVVING]

[PEOPLE SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[CHEERING]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

DAX:
Alexis, are you having a good time?

No. I'm leaving.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[PHONE RINGING]

DAD [ON RECORDING]: Hi. You've reached
the Kub residence. Please, leave a message.

DAD [OVER PHONE]: Thomas, it's me again.
THOMAS: I'm fucked, dude.

I just got another call.
I'm sure the neighbors are exaggerating.

- Please call me.
- Fuck.

[PHONE RINGING]

[OVER SPEAKERS]
Pretty girls, sunshine in the air

Perfume everywhere

Bass to the floor, right now, what's up
A lime to a lemon

Remind you of the sky when I'm fucking
And we on cloud nine for that minute

Your style and your physique

And I ain't tryin' to critique
But you deserve a good drink, so, what's up?

What you sippin' on?
It's no problem

Black and gold bottles
Like I'm pro-New Orleans

But, shorty, I'm far from a saint
But I got two AmEx's that look the same way

Wale, D.C., that's me, huh
My Prada say Prada and they Prada say Fila

I ain't gotta tell you
They know about me, huh

Come to D.C. And I can make you a believer

See, baby, I'm a leader
Day away from a Libra

I ain't tryin' to lead you wrong, sugar
I need you

So would you please listen
To what I'm gonna need from you

Live for tonight
Before tomorrow's amnesia

Pretty girls
I ask them do they smoke

COSTA:
Holy shit!

It's fucking insane.

[ALL CHEERING]

[ALL CHATTERING]

Thomas, look at what we did. Epic.

Is this big enough to be cool?

Game changer.

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]

Holy shit, it's the news.

[CROWD CHEERING]

BOY:
Dude, that's Thomas!

ALL [CHANTING]:
Thomas! Thomas! Thomas!

Are you hearing this?

Thomas! Thomas! Thomas!

COSTA:
This is your fucking party, man.

You're right, dude. I needed this.

COSTA:
Fuck, yeah!

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Look at me now, bitches!
My party is the shit!

My party is legendary!

ALL [CHANTING]:
Thomas! Thomas! Thomas!

- Watch this.
J. B: Watch what?

COSTA: Are you kidding me?
THOMAS: Hey, all you bitches. Aah!

[ALL CHEERING]

Know me from the you know
Boss in my Hugo

COSTA: Thomas, you crazy motherfucker!
I love you!

ALL [CHANTING]:
Jump! Jump! Jump!

Fuck that shit. I'm not jumping.
Fuck that.

Jump! Jump! Jump!

To my family members,
all my friends on Facebook...

COSTA: What?
- It's been a great ride.

- Costa, hold on to these.
- J.B., don't do it, man.

- You're way too fat.
- Shut up.

THOMAS:
Yeah!

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

[CHEERING]

J. B:
Oh, my God!

[J.B. SCREAMS]

[CROWD GROANS]

COSTA:
J.B., you all right, man?

- J.B., you all right?
J. B: Ha-ha-ha!

[ALL CHEERING]

This is Falcon One.

I was just attacked
by this really sexy woman.

We've lost all control.
The house was breached hours ago.

Chaos has spread to the streets.

And the police are returning in force.
We're clearly outnumbered.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

[PEOPLE YELLING]

God, help us.

[SIRENS WAILING]

BOY:
Assholes!

[CROWD BOOING AND SHOUTING]

ALL [CHANTING]:
Cops go home! Cops go home! Cops go home!

OFFICER [OVER MEGAPHONE]:
This is the police.

Disperse peacefully and immediately
or you will be subject to arrest.

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

[CHUCKLING]

[BANGING]

OFFICER:
In need of immediate assistance.

Drive, drive, drive!

Requesting backup, all units...

[ALL SHOUTING AND CHEERING]

[YELLING]

COSTA:
Holy shit!

I jumped off the house on purpose.

[PEOPLE SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

REPORTER 1 [ON TV]:
Chaos has broken out in the Southland...

...where this normally quiet residential
street has turned into anarchy.

[ALL CHEERING]

I'm joined now by Captain Reesman
of the Police Department.

We'll have to let this thing burn out
before we even think about moving back in.

[ALL CHEERING]

Good evening, uh, this is... This is Dax.

[CRASHING & WOMAN MOANING]

I'm inside the belly of the beast.

I don't have words
for some of the things I've seen.

Pfft. A lot of people don't know
this simple fact, but this is actually...

It's the first party
I've ever attended and you...

Perhaps tonight is just business as usual,
but something tells me, no, it's not.

[GIRL SCREAMS]

THOMAS: Shit, that's my dad's car.
J. B: Shit, dude.

[HORN HONKS]

THOMAS:
Oh, shit.

Oh, shit!

COSTA:
Are you kidding me?

- What are you doing?
- What?

Fuck your car!

[BOY SCREAMS]

LITTLE PERSON:
Motherfuckers!

COSTA:
Oh, my God, Thomas, we're fucked.

I don't know how to fix this.

I don't know how to fix any of this shit.

I'm sorry, Thomas.
I just wanted to get some pussy.

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

And something's just happening right now.
I've heard a commotion.

[ALL CLAMORING]

MAN:
Holy shit!

COSTA:
What the fuck is that?

THOMAS:
Whoa!

OFFICER 1 [OVER RADIO]:
Outside visual on subject with...

OFFICER 2:
Everybody, back!

THOMAS:
Fuck! You guys, come on!

COSTA: Come on, get the fuck out of here! Move!
- Come on!

COSTA: Go! Shit!
THOMAS: Come on!

Whoa! What the fuck, dude! Get down!

- Holy shit! Look out.
COSTA: Shit! What the fuck?

[YELLING]

OFFICER 1: Subject is armed and active.
MAN: Oh, my fucking God.

REPORTER 2: Police are on scene in riot gear.
SWAT officers are rushing forward.

DISPATCHER [OVER RADIO]:
All units hold for SWAT team arrival.

THOMAS: Fuck!
COSTA: Holy shit, dude, it's T-Rick!

- What the fuck is he doing?
T-RICK: Costa!

Give me back my fucking gnome!

- Give it to him. Where is it?
- It was full of Ecstasy. Everyone ate it!

T-RICK:
Where the fuck is Costa?

OFFICER 1:
Subject is advancing.

COSTA:
Whoa, shit!

OFFICER 3:
This is the police...

OFFICER 1:
Approach with extreme caution.

OFFICER 3: Put down your weapon
and put your hands in the air.

OFFICER 4: Get down! Show me your hands!
OFFICER 5: Put down your weapon!

REPORTER 2:
Police are now firing rubber bullets.

OFFICER 5: Drop it now!
OFFICER 4: Back up, back up!

OFFICER 6:
Get back!

OFFICER 1:
Suspect is firing at officers.

- Fuck this.
COSTA: Where are you going? Get back here!

J. B:
Dude, Thomas, no!

Look, T-Rick, we can fix this.
Okay, man?

T-RICK:
Fuck you!

You burn me, I burn you!

COSTA:
Thomas, get back here, dude!

Costa, you motherfucker!

OFFICER 3: Put down your weapon.
Put your hands in the air.

OFFICER 7: Go, go, go!
- Shit!

OFFICER 3:
Put down your weapon.

OFFICER 8:
Yeah. Now. Take the shot!

COSTA:
Get the fuck out of here!

Go!

OFFICER 9:
Get back. Get back!

THOMAS:
Fuck. Oh, my God.

OFFICER 1:
Still active and on the move.

[T-RICK YELLING]

Heading toward residence.

COSTA:
Holy shit!

[CAR ALARMS WAILING]

OFFICER 3:
This is the police.

Disperse immediately.

Oh, my God.

OFFICER 3: Disperse immediately
or you will be subject to arrest.

This is the police.

- We gotta get out of here.
- I can't leave my house.

The house is gone, man.
It's fucking over.

- Where's Milo?
OFFICER 3: This is the police.

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Disperse immediately.

[ALL SCREAMING AND SHOUTING]

COSTA:
Go, go!

THOMAS:
I hear him here.

What the fuck are you doing?
The dog's not gonna be in that drawer.

Here he is! I got him! Motherfuckers!

COSTA:
Come on, let's go. Move!

[GRENADES EXPLODING]

REPORTER 2:
It's complete chaos out here.

Police are using flash-bang grenades
to try and disperse this crowd.

OFFICER 3:
This is the police.

Disperse immediately.

If you do not disperse immediately,
you will be subject to arrest.

Go! Go!

REPORTER 2: Police are now mobilizing.
Fire helicopters have been brought in.

They're dropping water
to put this blaze out.

OFFICER 1: Scene in progress,
50 yards ahead of IC. Officers need assistance.

COSTA:
Holy shit!

EVERETT:
Tyler, I need you! Pull it together!

[GRENADES EXPLODING]

Civilians 50 yards ahead on Dickens.

- Officers engaged with riot...
- What is going on?

- Stay down. Stay down.
- Fuck! Shit!

THOMAS:
Milo!

- Dude, Milo!
ROB: Hey, Oliver!

Great party, buddy.

You owe me a tree, you piece of shit.

All we're doing is trying to have a good time,
you cocksucking motherfucker!

You know where you're going?
You're going to jail, you motherfucker!

Yeah! That's my boys! Suck my dick, Robert!
Suck my fucking dick!

THOMAS:
Fuck! Shit!

Black sedan. License plate...
We've got a hit-and-run.

THOMAS: Go, go, go!
COSTA: Run! Run!

DISPATCHER:
Unit 23, what's your status?

OFFICER 1: Skirmish line, be advised,
officer down, officer down.

[SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE]

EVERETT: He's home alone. He's been up
all night, so he's probably gonna crash soon.

We wait about an hour to make sure
he's asleep, then we make our move.

We go in the back, break Rob's door down,
and torch the house.

- Yeah.
COSTA: What the fuck are you talking about?

The guy has a wife and a baby.
You're not gonna burn his house down.

He called the cops on us.
He ruined everything.

It's 6 in the morning, man.
Let it go. It's over.

Just go home.

What about our money?

The house is trashed.
You're the worst security ever.

You guys should go home too.

You gonna be okay, man?

THOMAS: Yeah, I'm just gonna hang here
with Milo for a bit.

COSTA:
All right.

I'm gonna go home...

...have a good cry,
and start calling some lawyers.

Thomas, whatever happens, man...

...that was one fucking hell of a night.

Come on, J.B., let's bounce.

You can go too, Dax.

DAX:
Thanks, Thomas.

I had a really fun time.

You'll be all right.

BEAN [ON RADIO]: Kevin and Bean
from the world-famous KROQ.

Can we talk about this insanity
in Pasadena last night?

KEVIN:
It looked like the greatest party ever.

BIG BOY:
Big Boy's neighborhood, beautiful day.

It is going down.
I don't know if you seen the news.

But some cats had a party in Pasadena
and took this thing to the whole next level.

I'm talking about, they trashed the
neighborhood. They trashed the house.

We heard that Kanye
made an appearance there.

Yeah, so if you were there at the party
in Pasadena last night, hit us up...

...because we're gonna be talking about it
all morning long in the neighborhood.

- I really am sorry.
- You said that already.

Do you have any idea how much
all this is gonna cost, Thomas?

Your college fund is gone,
I can tell you that.

- Yeah. Dad, I'm sorry.
- You had so much going for you...

...and you just pissed it all away
for one night?

[DAD SIGHS]

I just didn't think you had it in you.

Well, I know. I'm sorry I let you down.

No.

I literally didn't think
that you had this in you.

So, uh, how many people were here?

Uh...

Fifteen hundred.

Couple thousand, maybe.

Wow.

You should've seen it.

It was awesome.

Well, you're still fucked, Thomas.

[DR. DRE'S "THE NEXT EPISODE"
PLAYING ON CAR RADIO]

It's the motherfucking D-O-double-G

Snoop Dogg

You know I'm mobbin' with the D-R-E

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know who's back...

[MUSIC STOPS]

Well, at least the van
looks gangster now.

Dude, don't even start, okay?
My dad's making me drive it as punishment.

That sucks.

Yeah, and I'm being brought up on
like six different charges.

My mom hasn't stopped crying.

We're living at a Courtyard Marriott
right now.

I'm basically on house arrest
until my hearing.

I'm not supposed to talk to you guys.

My parents are convinced this is totally
gonna be fucking my college plans.

Your grades are fucking up
your college plans.

My dad got me a lawyer.
Even that Jew thinks we're fucked.

- Thinks we could actually do time for this.
J. B: Jesus.

What about you, Dax?
What did your parents say?

Oh, I live alone, actually.

You're really starting
to fucking scare me.

Yo, what up, Kub?

BOY 1:
What's going on, man?

BOY 2:
That's him.

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

Hey, Costa.

- Hi, Thomas.
COSTA: Thank you.

Thank you.

BOY 3: Yo, you guys, Thomas.
That party was dope.

THOMAS: Thank you, man.
BOY 3: No, thank you, man.

You guys rock.

[STUDENTS CHEERING]

Thank you.

BOY 4:
J. B!

ALL [CHANTING]:
Thomas! Thomas! Thomas!

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

THOMAS:
Kirby, wait.

Kirby.

- Hey.
- Hey, look, I just wanted to talk to you.

- There's really nothing to talk about.
- Wait. Please, can I just explain?

It's not that complicated.

What you did was really not cool.

It really hurt me.

Kirby, I'm really sorry about
what happened.

I didn't know how to handle it.

But I think I do now
and that's why I'm here.

My life right now, it's totally ruined.

Okay? I practically burned down
my whole neighborhood.

Probably bankrupt my parents.
I'll be in debt until I die.

But the only thing that I care about
fixing right now is this.

So, I'm sorry.

If you're still mad, I get it...

...but if you are talking to me
by my next birthday...

...I'd really like to spend it with just you.

Oh, you're...

So we're cool again?

I never said you were cool.

So you know this high school party
in Pasadena that turned into a riot, right?

The kid actually burned his parents'
house down. Can you imagi...?

Do you know how many chores
it's gonna take to make up for...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He'll be taking the trash out
nine times a day for the rest of his life.

REPORTER: The person who caused
the early morning fire and explosion here...

...has survived his injuries...
T-RICK: Costa!

We moved to a place like Pasadena
to avoid stuff like this.

Some asshole puked all over
my front door.

Do these kids even have parents?
It's ridiculous, right?

Have you seen the footage?
Let me tell you.

I haven't seen that many teenage boobs
since R. Kelly's birthday party.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Joining us now live is one Pasadena teen
who's recently drawn a lot of notice...

...for throwing what people
are calling...

...possibly the most epic
high-school party of all time.

Costa, before we begin, is there anything
that you would like to say to the viewers?

In fact, I would.

You said it was perhaps
the most epic party of all time.

It was the most epic party of all time.

Okay. I was thinking more along
the lines of an apology.

Would you like to apologize?

I got a better idea.
How about I invite you to my next party?

- What?
- Yeah, you heard me, sugar-tits.

Just make sure
you wear something tight.

[English - US - SDH]