Original subtitles

SMEE INC AND CO SUBTITLES

(CRINKLES CRISP PACKET)

(CRUNCHES NOISILY)

(CONTINUES CRUNCHING NOISILY)

That's what I love about going out with you, Gary

It's an endless orgy of glamour and entertainment!

Dorothy's usual, please, Les

(MUMBLED) Refresh my memory

Vodka in a chipped glass with a dribble of

flat tonic and an aftertaste if cigarette ash -Oh, yeah, I remember now.

I've had some bad news

I've had a postcard from Dermot, he's not coming back

"Have fallen in love with a croupier called Lotitsia...

...we're going around the world on her Yamaha." Isn't that an organ?

No, it's a motorbike

"Send my Polynesian love balls and other important items to my Mum...

sell everything else, my saucepans etc., to cover what I owe you." Thanks

Generous of him

Well it would be if his possessions weren't worth

precisely 16 pounds and 47 pence

What does he owe you?

862 quid

"Weather lovely..."

Oh, a donkey

having sex with another donkey

Why doesn't anyone offer me to take me around the world?

Because they know they'd have a crap time

I've been writing an ad for the newspaper

Lets have a look

No, you'd only use it as an excuse for a cheep laugh

I will not -You always do

Yeah, looks fine

You don't think "Jacuzzi" is pushing it a bit do you?

Why? -Because you haven't got one

No, but if you woosh the shower attachment in it when you're in the bath

It's just like it, honestly

Don't you think you should put "Bath with shower attachment you

can woodge round a bit"?

Too many words

He he, I'll tell you how you can get a Jacuzzi when you're in the bath

Les, are you gonna say what I think you're gonna say?

(LAUGHING) Yeah

You see, I don't want to attract the wrong sort of person

No, Marjorie and I talked about taking lodgers in

but she was scared there'd be congestion on the stairs

God. Yeah. Scary

So we thought about letting out the room downstairs

next to our living room

Isn't that your kitchen, George?

Yes, I think that's why we decided against it in the end

Anyway, these questions should weed out any unsuitable candidates

Oh, ask me one

Oh, alright

"Are you working at the moment?"

That's a tricky one. Isn't it?

We'll try another one

"Are you very likely to bring a lot of young women into my home,...

...quite likely or not very likely at all?"

Sorry, another tricky one

"What is the capital of Tanzania?"

Dar es Salaam

Oh, is it?

Is that relevant?

Of course it is, George

Hopefully we are going to be having stimulating chats

I don't want Mr. Stupid cluttering up my sofa

Anthea, is this display of petulance going to last?

I'm just asking for a decent pay rise -It's the same for me

But I earn a pittance -I think you'll find it's the industry standard pittance

Well, it isn't fair -It isn't a fair world, Anthea

If it was I'd be shacked up with my 17 year old niece. Wouldn't I?

I'm sorry but I've started to work to rule

(SLAMS DOOR)

Have you let this one go out, Anthea?

(ANTHEA) I simply put down what was on the Dictaphone

So you've sent out a letter to major client that ends:

"Give the slimy git the usual fob off... err, Yours with the deepest contempt...

...blah blah. George do you have to poke around in your...

ear while I'm dictating?"

You're dead meat, Anthea

(SLAMS DOOR)

And, um, are you working at the moment? -Yeah

Bit of this, bit of that

"Bit of this, Bit of that"

Bit of the other (LAUGHS)

(FAKE LAUGHS)

Well, looks alright to me. Where your toilet?

There isn't one

...and then the phone bill came and I said "No way am I paying any...

of this. I don't even know any in Canada. I probably ring my homeopath once a week...

...that's all." And I knew they were drinking my milk because I put a Biro mark on the

carton and it was always me who ended up buying the toilet rolls even though I use

less than anyone else because... well, I'll tell you all about that when I move in, okay?

So, I grind my teeth, I mean, so what? Just means I'm a little bit wound up. Don't you get

wound up sometimes? I've never actually hurt anyone even if I do fly off the hadle when

people mention certain things. I mean, I think I'm completely reasonable. Don't you

think I'm reasonable? I think I'm reasonable. Anyway, coat hangers? Have you got any?

Because I could bring my own but I'm a bit superstitious about wardrobes. I can bring

my own bedding. That's absolutely no problem...

Okay... never mind... we'll try another one

What's the capital of Tanzania?

Just nod if you can hear me

(SCOUSE ACCENT) Alrite mate, er, I've been talking to a wife at the top of the road

She said you've got a room available, accommodation, like, y' know. So I'd though I'd

pop doon and have look. Erm you're Gary, yeah. Yeah yeah, I knew it, yeah

It's a nice street, like, erm, so if it's alright with ye I'll come in and have a look aroond

I'm sorry. I'm looking for somebody with English as their first language, Thank you

No, I can't think of any irritating habits off hand

You don't, like, clean between your toes with a sofa cushion or anything?

No. Who would do something like that? -He he

Well, Dermot actually, my last flat mate, he did that

I shared with someone who used to dry out his underwear in the microwave

Dermot just used to wait till he had enough stains and then brush them off

Well we seem to get on pretty... (INTERRUPTING) Do you have a girlfriend?

Er... yes

Well, I don't have one at the moment. I was wondering...

...would you let her watch as I stoked my nipples?

So, how many people have you seen?

3 social inadequates, 3 psychopaths, a man with a big dog and my mother

And the 8 people who turned you down

I don't want a psychopath living downstairs

I quite liked the psychopaths. It's my mother who scared me

Look, if you really want to find someone try and be more charming

I've been charming. I've shown them everything in the flat

Yes, and don't ever knock on my door again at midnight with a man

in a tank top and refer to me as a feature

(DOORBELL)

He couldn't come any earlier. He'd been out Morris dancing.

Er, is this that flat with the room to let?

Yes. Who are you? -Tony

Tony? You should have come last week

Yeah, I lost the bit of paper with the address on it -Oh well come in

I don't know what happened, ya know. I thought it must have slipped down into the

lining of my jacket because I could sort of feel a piece of paper in there, you know?

Hi (BOTH IN UNISON) HI

Uh, so I tried to work it out through the lining and through the arm hole and that

didn't work so I ended up undoing a lot of the seams with a pair of blunt scissors

which took, well, ages and, well, there it was.

What? -An old bus ticket

I found the address down the back of the sofa

Should I come in again?

This is Tony -Hi

Uh, This is Deborah. She lives in the flat upstairs but I working on it (FORCED LAUGH)

That's just me being funny

And this is Dorothy my, sort of, girlfriend -Thanks Gary

Have a seat -Thanks

What do you do Tony?

Err, I'm in the music business

Do you know Barry White?

No -Oh

Anyway this is the procedure we will be following:

I'll start by introducing you to the key fixtures and facilities and then I'll be offering

you a beverage of your choice while asking you a series of simple questions

Oh get on with it, Gary

Well, as you can see, this is the living room with its useful U shaped seating amenity

And up here is the extensive glassware facility. Bit of a heirloom there, Tony

So no touchy-touchy

Now these are handy units, aren't they? Oh

Nice pots -Yes yes yes. Plenty of pot-wear useful for cooking and so on

And the cutlery goes in here in the draw for cutlery

There's the mantle piece useful for... mantle-wear

Yeah, I think I could be at home here

Oh, moving on, into the bathroom. I'll show you how to work the Jacuzzi later

Well he seems very nice

I dunno. He's not as ideal as Dermot. Is he?

You also said Dermot was about as much fun to live with as nose hair

People aren't exactly pleading to move in, are they? (DOORBELL)

Maybe I should re-advertise in The Times?

Oh, I see. That's the problem. He's not professional enough for you

I'm just concerned that we should be able to comunicate at a sophisticated level

What, like your conversations with Dermot you mean?

Two hours on how small pointy breast are better that large roundy ones

Exactly!

It's pure snobbery, just 'cause he sells records

It isn't. I'd have just as many doubts if he owned his own record company

Maybe he does. He left a card

"Tony's Smart Records Ltd."

Oh, well I'm sure he'll fit in very nicely

I'm sorry, I forgot my bag

I'm glad you came back Tony. Welcome aboard

Oh, well cheers!

Well I'll turn up tomorrow around 8-ish

Don't you have to give any notice?

Yeah you're right. Better make it nearer 9

I'm sorry about all of the questions earlier. You can't be too careful these days

Nah, That's alright. You gotta check that I'm not weird or anything, haven't ya?

Seems heavy. What have you got in here?

It's a mate of mine. Owns a butchers and he had this pig's head left over

YEAH!

Says the eyes explode if you do it in a microwave

Oh, there it is

Oh, really, grow up Dermot

(MAKES LIGHTSABRE NOISES)

Ah, Obi Wan at last we meet

(LIGHTSABRE NOISES)

Nice action

(DOORBELL)

I'd stay and show you how everything works only I'm a bit late for work

That's alright. I'll find my way about

I've been going through Dermot's stuff. Have a look and see if there's anything you like

I know he'd want his condom gift set to go to a good home -Oh, Thanks

So, what was he like then?

He was alright. we got on pretty well

Actually, Tony, to be perfectly honest between you and me I found him a little bit

hard to take seriously sometimes

Right, see you later

(WOMAN SHOUTING) Get up you lazy bastard! Get up you lazy bastard!

(MAKES LIGHTSABRE NOISES)

May the force be with you

(LIGHTSABRE NOISES)

"Having a great time in spite of riding the Yamaha into a yacht"

...yak"

"Istanbul has a WHSmiths. Love Dermot and Lotitsia"

"P.s. I left some spaghetti in my room. You might as well throw it away"

"U shaped seating amenity"

"No touchy-touchy"

(SMASH)

(DOORBELL)

Oh, you've arrived then -Yeah

Come in

Not interrupting anything am I?

Oh, no. I was just smashing up a load of glasses

Coffee? -oh, thanks

So, where's the kettle?

Well, they always used to use the hot tap

So, how long have you and Gary known each other?

Oh, since I moved in a couple of months ago

He's been very kind -Yeah he seems very...

Well not exactly kind, more...

...irritating

But he did help me out when my boyfriend got a bit violent

Oh, that is kind

He let my boyfriend headbutt him

So, what happened to your boyfriend?

Well, he got a bit of a bruise up here and...

No, I mean, um, are you still together?

Oh no

What about you?

Oh, I'm hopeless. I mean I meet a girl. It seems to be going well and then it just all goes wrong

But do you know why?

I think I'm shy

I suppose I just need a woman to take me and show me the ropes

I shouldn't worry

Women are supposed to be attracted to vulnerable men

Do you really think so?

K? K? K? George, where's the K?

(GEORGE) I don't know. Have you tried looking in the manual?

Well, there's got to be one here somewhere. I've seen Anthea using it

Well, it's got a C. I'll use that

You sure Dermot shouldn't have these back?

Those, possibly, yes

Modern clothes are very snug around the groin. Aren't they?

When I was a young man I could get a side of beef down my trousers

Not that I tried, of course

Well, only the once

Maybe a jumper would be more you... -No, no

I'm starting to get u... used to these

You've taken a while on that letter, haven't you?

Just being thorough, George. It's a pretty pathetic boss who can't do a little typing

every now and again, isn't it?

Isn't it time you patched up this dispute with Anthea

No. Not till she starts to work properly

As soon as she stops acting childishly, the sooner I put the wheels back on her typing chair

But we've always worked so well together

Listen, George, I have offered her a modest but fair pay increase and what does she do?

She deliberately spends 3 hours typing a short memo

It's quicker that you -I KNOW IT'S QUICKER THAN ME

But that's not the point. Is it?

I think you made matters worse by taking the bulb out of her Anglepoise

and confiscating her biscuits

Merely sticking to CBI guidelines, George

Right, let;s get this over with

Anthea. Can you spare a moment? We need to sort this out

Now there comes a time in industrial relations when a little compromise is needed

Yes

Well, Anthea, I've tried to compromise

but you haven't so I'm going lock you in the stationary cupboard

Normally I wouldn't do this, you understand, Anthea but there's a recession on

But I haven't done anything wrong

Ah, now that's what Goebbels said, isn't it?

Only in German of course

Firm but fair, George, firm but fair

So, What do you think of Deborah, eh?

(BOTH LAUGH) He he he ho ha he he he

And that's not being sexist, you understand -No, no, no

I helped straighten things out between her and her boyfriend, actually

I heard, yeah

I think that whole business hurt her quite a bit

Well, me too. Come to think of it

We've all been hurt that way sometime or other, though, haven't we

Oh god yes terribly -Women just don't understand that men suffer too and... and...

And that can affect our ability to... thing -Yeah

I've just had to dump a girlfriend

Oh, it's never easy is it? -No

Rang her up today. Told her I've moved in with Deborah.

Nice, nice. At least she knows she's been chucked for a good reason

Oh yeah, yeah. I told her I agonized for ages but in the end

Deborah's got a sports car

How'd she take it?

I dunno, 10p ran out

So, what about you and Dorothy?

Oh well, we've been going out for a couple of years now

Oh well, that's... that's good isn't it. That's commitment

Oh, god, yes commitment yeah, yeah, yeah

I don't know where women get the idea that men are

frightened of committing themselves

We tell 'em -Oh yeah, yeah

Where is Dorothy?

She's, uh, in the bath. She'd probably ask me to hop in in a bit

She give a great soaping, Dorothy does

So, Tony, has Gary sapped all of you life spirit? Alienated your friends

and made you want to strangle him with an electric flex yet?

No? -No, no. You haven't been going out with him for 3 years, have you?

A bit of the old banter, eh (LAUGHS)

(DOORBELL)

Answer that

So, why did you leave your old place?

Trouble with the landlord. I think he wanted us all out.

Tenants get a rough deal, sometimes, don't they?

Yeah, I'm not surprised really though. Hadn't paid the rent for 3 years

Hi -Oh, Hi

Drink Deborah? -No, thanks. I can't stay. I've got a lot to do

Oh go on -Okay

What's the book?

Oh, "How to Overcome Shyness and Form New Relationships"

My mother gave it to me

She thinks women who aren't married by the age of 25 are psychologically disturbed

Thanks -Oh god. Let's all be sensitive and complicated, shall we?

Just 'cause you're insensitive, doesn't mean Tony has to be

I found this on the mat. I don't understand. It's addressed "To Tony and Deborah"

"Deborah, the next time you seduce someone's boyfriend. Don't pick a lying...

...moron who: A) Tries to pull your sister B) Borrows you money to get you...

...a present and buys himself a tortoise and C) Who dumps you for some tart...

...with a sports car"

"Tony, I have left your guitar outside, together with a surprise for you both"

How disappointing

Um, Deborah...

You'd wanna wash that off before it stains your upholstery

12 hours and 339 lines of subtitles later

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