Original subtitles

Hi.

Hello.

There you are.

What is the deal? Where is she?

Hair and makeup are doing finals.

She'll be out any minute.

Cue cards? Really? She has three lines to remember.

Yeah, but with copy this good, she wants to make sure

to really nail it. I'm sorry.

When the agency wanted that guy who ate all those hot dogs,

it was me who fought for Bella because I'm old enough

to remember when she was a big deal.

And I thought you were just fresh out of film school.

Okay, listen,

Bella is incredibly humbled that you chose her to represent,

um... Oma Wender's Christmas Soda.

No.

- That sounds delicious-- - No, darling.

You are not going to make me wear this Santa hat.

I didn't spend an hour in the chair,

so that I could look like someone who just waltzed

out of Deep Discount Depot.

No, no. You look... fabulous.

All right, let's get final touches in here.

Okay, let's hurry up.

Okay, thank you.

Thank you, that's good. Thank you. Excellent.

Gorgeous!

Okay, I think we're ready to go. Ready, Bella? Action!

Hello, I'm comedienne Bella Deldomino,

here to share

my favorite holiday treat

from Ardenville's historic craft soda makers,

Oma Wenders.

Oh!

Yes! Um...

Just like Christmas.

Um, cut.

Can we take five? Aubri!

Can we just take five? Five.

Take five.

Hi. Okay. You good?

Let me tell you... when my taste buds grow back.

Well, if you get it in the next take,

you won't have to drink anymore.

I can't do it.

What do you mean you can't?

- I'm sober now. - It's not alcoholic.

You're joking.

Uh... what do you propose we do?

Fill it up with paint thinner; it'd go down a lot easier.

Ladies?

Just one second, please.

Okay, I can go grab a bucket, and then you can take a sip,

and then you can spit it right out, and then they can--

they can cut to a shot of a bottle or something.

- Can you handle that? - Okay.

But don't you ever say that I never did anything for you.

Well, we don't have all day to go over everything

that is wrong about the sentence you just said.

I'd love to listen to you, darling,

but I'm kind of trapped in that moment.

Okay, I, uh, will go speak to the director.

Oh!

- Uh... - Oh!

The thing is, when Bella was six years old,

the color green was very triggering for her.

Oh, darlings, thank you so much.

You were all so wonderful to work with. Oh!

Now, if you ever need tickets to the Comedy Club,

just reach out to Aubri, day or night.

Day, please, thank you.

Okay, we need to get downtown ASAP, okay?

What for?

For the interview. I sent you the questions last night.

Did you pick your favorite Christmas memory?

I can't because the really good ones I can't remember,

and the other ones, I'd be breaking an NDA to share them.

What am I gonna say?

Bella, you pay me to write your jokes, not your life story.

What about when you were writing my autobiography?

There must be something there.

We didn't get past the chapter on pre-nups.

Oh...

Okay. You said last Christmas was your favorite ever.

Why don't we work off of something like that?

It was great. My set just killed;

I booked two late-night gigs out of that.

I just want to be more relatable, you know?

I don't want to be all show business-y.

I want to be more ordinary,

you know, like you or one of them.

Okay, uh...

Okay, when I was a kid, growing up,

all my cousins, aunts and uncles,

they would stay over on Christmas Eve

so we could open the gifts together in the morning,

and, oh, this, this was my time to shine--

Aubri, if you're trying to convince me

to never have children,

darling, that ship has sailed.

But Mom actually would stop me

at 8 p.m. to honor Santa's favorite song, "Silent Night",

because she said that Santa

actually wouldn't fill my stockings

if I played the part of Tiny Tim after sundown,

and you know, when I think about it now,

actually, I think she was--

And you know Santa was right, darling.

Shh!

I'm almost dizzy from listening to you.

Now, make that a whole lot shorter and a whole lot funnier.

We've got an interview on our hands.

I-I was, uh, being vulnerable, but...

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I got the door. Here.

Aubri?

I really hope those deliveries get here today.

All these people performed here?

Yep, it actually used to be a speakeasy back in the '20s,

before becoming a hot spot for comedians.

Mike Baxter? I love his movies.

Oh, the old ones,

before he started playing addicts and fathers.

What? No, I love those.

His comedy is, I don't know, a little bit too juvenile for me.

Well, that's his early stuff,

right after Saturday Sketch Club.

With all these people here,

how could you not sell out the Christmas Variety Show?

Because none of these people ever came back to the club.

No, no, they work on their material

on our small suburban stage,

and then they ride off into the sunset.

So, who do you have booked so far?

We've got a couple of local bands, ooh,

and a Mark Twain impersonator.

Although, he says he only does late Twain.

It's not my fault.

Everybody is booked for the holidays.

Hey, cuz, what happens if you don't sell it out?

Well, let's see...

I lose my job, hopes and dreams dashed,

five of the best years of my life wasted.

Oh, and I get to move back in with my mom.

So, there's that.

Oh, yikes.

The club's not that big.

How hard could it be to sell it out?

On Christmas Eve?

The one night where people actually prefer

to stay home with their families?

- It's not gonna be easy. - Yeah.

Guess Santa is the only one you ever hear about

leaving his home on Christmas Eve, huh?

- You think I'm doomed? - Nah.

I will start by putting this on the platform.

Oh, actually,

do you mind signing for the deliveries,

and then I will manage to get this guy up there.

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh! You're heavy. Okay.

All right.

Two steps left. Ehh...

My right, actually. Spin!

Big spin! Excellent form.

Will you two be performing at the open mic on Thursday?

Well, he's a little shy

because, last time, he melted in front of...

Uh, Mike... Baxter. What are--

What are you doing here?

Uh, just seeing if I have a future in choreography.

Hi, Mike.

- Hi. What's your name? - Uh, Aubri Wilson.

- Hi. - Sorry, I didn't...

Just I didn't hear about your...

No, I'm sorry for the Frosty dance.

I, uh... I just thought I'd stop by.

This is where I got my big break.

I saw that the--

Mike Baxter? Is that you, Mike Baxter?

Shouldn't you be out losing millions of dollars

for a studio somewhere?

Bella Deldomino.

They told me to take the season off.

Something about chapter 11. I don't know.

But what brought you back here from the mount?

Oh, you know, Christmas is a time for charity,

so I started thinking, "Who do I know that needs help the most?"

And immediately, you came to mind.

Oh, still as sweet as ever.

Tell me, how does a guy get stage time these days, huh?

Oh, come on, Mike. You're a big Hollywood star.

You don't need to be doing stand-up.

Well, it sounds like my agent already got to you.

Well, I'm up for this big action movie,

a superhero thing called Rooster Man.

It's a working title.

A-ha! Will the special effects people,

will they be able to finally make you funny?

Or will they just have you shooting laser beams?

Well, he's a superhero

with a sense of humor,

so I thought I'd try to remind Hollywood and you, apparently,

that I'm still hilarious.

Absolutely. Well, you know, this is not

our busiest time of the year, darling, as you know.

But maybe it will be with you here.

I mean, you're welcome to step on that stage any time, sir.

Well, I really appreciate that.

The competition looks fierce.

I hear she has a line on a fantastic dancing snowman act.

Yes, if he can get over his nerves,

we might really have something.

You guys are trying to make a joke about me.

I don't think it's funny.

Bella, if I was making a joke about you,

I definitely would have mentioned your jewelry.

How does your neck stay up?

Do you have a chiropractor on call?

Mikey, Mikey,

you're reminding me, giving me flashbacks

of that day you left for California. Oh!

I was so happy that day.

All right, I gotta go.

Nice to meet you, Aubri.

It is so nice to see you.

Hi. What the--

Howdy.

That was Mike Baxter.

Oh, yeah. You missed me a lot.

How does he know your name?

You are getting the deliveries next time.

Thank you so much for having us.

DRXL is our favorite station.

Hey, I brought you some coffee.

Oh, you're a lifesaver. Just in time.

Oh, they're starting.

Good evening. I'm Robert Busby,

and we're kicking off Ardenville's Christmas Fest

with our hometown funny lady,

Bella Deldomino, the star and owner

of the legendary Comedy Club.

You know, it's a Christmas is a special

time of the year for us at the Comedy Club.

We are laughing all the way, and we truly believe

celebrating can be made so much better with a two-drink minimum.

Remember when I used to interview you in our treehouse,

back when you were going to be the world's biggest movie star?

Well, mom said, "Acting is a hard knock life.

"Everybody wants to be in the movies.

"Get a real job, kid." So, I did.

My real job is a joke-writer

for a woman who texts with her pointer finger.

Oh, don't sell yourself short.

You're also her personal assistant.

Thanks.

So, I couldn't help but notice

you've decorated every inch of the club in string lights,

while your own home looks like a troll cave.

Okay, well, the Comedy Club is my home,

and, well, being on the road with the comedienne herself,

Oh, perfect. Then, I can have your apartment.

Consider it your Christmas gift to me.

Actually, if I remember correctly,

my Christmas present was getting you this job.

And you should pay attention

because you could learn a lot from Bella.

I'm learning a lot more from you.

Now, she might be the face, but you're the talent.

No, I can't do what Bella does.

- I'm way too shy for that now. - You can handle it.

No. The Comedy Club has a legacy.

Okay, Bella saved it from a bulldozer.

Do you know how many legends have performed there?

It's launched, I don't know, a thousand careers,

and that woman, she did that.

And I saw this as an opportunity

to dance and sing

and say jokes that I'd learned off the TV.

What about your career?

Haven't you ever considered getting out on that stage?

I love writing, I do, and Bella promised to introduce me

to some of her literary agent friends.

So, I will get to a writer's room.

There's a ladder to climb.

It's been five years.

Maybe start looking for an elevator?

Tell us, what's your favorite Christmas memory?

Well, oddly enough, Robert,

it's also the beginning of my comedy career.

I still remember to this day,

just like it was yesterday, when I got my first laugh.

It was my mother.

Of course, it would have been a whole lot better

if it hadn't been Mom.

At least she gave your story a happy ending.

I did that.

Yeah. One of the perks of being a writer is that

you never need therapy if you can just change the ending.

Now, we're happy to hear that the Comedy Club is partnering

with Oma Wenders to not only sponsor Ardenville's

Christmas Fest, but to bring back the variety show.

It's been a while since the Comedy Club hosted.

Yes, it has.

Eight years since you've hosted.

She's looking at me, isn't she?

Yes, yes. Yes, it has.

Who will be performing at the big show?

Um, well...

Christmas is full of surprises, isn't it?

So, I don't want to say too much too soon.

Very true.

Well, Christmas is still three weeks away,

so we're going to be following up with you. But until then,

we hope to see you at all the holiday events around town.

Oh, I hope so, too.

Was that good for you?

You didn't tell her about the variety show.

Nope.

And you thought that was a good idea?

At the time, yes. Not so much anymore, no.

The Comedy Club is sponsoring the Christmas Fest

and the Christmas Variety Show?

You know why we had to nix that years ago, don't you?

Because nobody wants to leave their house on Christmas Eve,

and we would have to sell out the entire show

just to break even.

Yeah, but the show,

the show was legendary; it launched so many careers.

And all those network execs and studio heads,

I mean, they all used to celebrate Christmas at the club.

That was back in the day of covered wagons,

when there were only three TV networks.

Well, you finally agreed to sponsor the Christmas Fest,

I just-- I assumed that the variety show was part of it.

The city is so excited, Bella.

This is a Christmas tragedy.

I don't have to go to any of those events,

just because I'm sponsoring them, do I?

Well, you are a beloved local celebrity.

- I'm sure you're gonna have-- - Local, Aubri?

I think I have a little more range than local, Aubri.

Of course.

So, just cancel it.

Bella, the Comedy Club has to show up to some key event,

and we also have to donate

the proceeds of the variety show to a charity.

- What charity? - Children's Hospital.

The one charity I can't back out of.

Okay, we can invite industry bigwigs.

Maybe even your agent literary friends,

you know, the ones that you promised to introduce me to.

It'll be great.

The variety show almost destroyed my career

and brought the Comedy Club down.

What happened?

I remember the first Christmas,

I was so excited to be part of it,

but I had no idea then how difficult it was to sell out

a show on Christmas Eve.

Yeah, but we can send out industry invitations today.

We can publicize it on our social media.

We can tell everybody and it's gonna be great.

Industry big wigs do not laugh.

And the few local people who showed up,

they couldn't carry the show.

There wasn't enough of them.

Oh, I totally bombed.

I can't tell you how many gigs I missed

because of that Christmas Variety Concert,

and I've been trying to crawl my way back ever since.

Yeah, you're right.

This is on me and I will fix it.

- I'll think of something. - Good.

- Chop, chop. - Yeah.

They published another list

of all the young actresses you've dated?

Do you know how often I have to convince people

that my brother's not a creep?

Are the influencers on that list too or just the actresses.

Look, I've never even met half the women on this list, okay?

Except for Margot.

I'm kidding. I have moved on from all that.

Okay? Enough professional faceplants

and your priorities start to change.

Yeah, well, your career will bounce back.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Those movies were pretentious, exploitative,

never-ending.

- Oh! - But don't get me wrong,

you really great in them.

Oh, thank you. That's really sweet of you.

And two eggnogs and two cinnamon rolls, please.

Thank you so much.

I gotta go. Text me when you're done shopping.

Yeah.

- Good morning. - Morning.

I saw you while I was in line

and thought you might need some eggnog.

Don't worry; it's not alcoholic.

Although, I did see a few people

throw caution to the wind at 9 a.m. on a Tuesday.

No, thank you.

I've already had my cup of heavy cream this morning.

Were you always this prickly or did Bella drain

all the Christmas spirit from you?

Okay, now, you've put me in a position where I'm some Grinch,

just because I don't want your eggnog.

As her heart shrunk two full sizes.

For Christmas. And so, you'll leave me alone.

What's in there?

Oh, nothing. Just...

thoughts, ideas, jokes.

You're a comic? You seem so well-adjusted.

A writer for Bella.

And you never wanted to get on stage yourself?

Once upon a time.

And then, what happened?

Someone threw a tomato too hard once?

My words are much better coming out of Bella's mouth.

Well, as someone who has spent years

saying someone else's words,

I am thrilled to speak for myself again.

You don't enjoy movies.

Bella would kill for your career.

She would commit battery for a callback.

The money's okay, but what I'm really in it for

is the constant public scrutiny.

That's why I love a comedy club.

The scrutiny is much more intimate.

Yeah, well, forgive me if I don't shed a tear

for the successful actor up for an action-hero film.

If you tell me what's in your notebook,

I'll try to forgive you.

Well, the tree lighting ceremony is tonight.

There are Christmas jokes, just to kick off the festivities.

Oh, great! This is great! Let's-- let's hear one.

No!

Yes!

No, you're-- you're Mike Baxter.

I could never read them to you.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't think of me as Mike Baxter, the comic.

Think of me as the guy who's sitting next to you

and desperately loves jokes.

Very persuasive.

Okay.

I have this bit about how my mother

is impossible to buy presents for.

So, this year, I actually asked her to tell me what she wants.

And then, what she wants, I can't seem to find anywhere.

And well, the punchline is

that what she wants most is for me

to find better health insurance.

- That's good. - Yeah?

That's good. What if you somehow got hurt

while you're searching for it?

- Like sprained my ankle. - Yeah.

At least you think you did.

You're too worried to go to the doctor to find out.

Are you sure

you want to be an action hero

because comedy suits you pretty well.

Well, the Rooster Man is funny.

- He's funny. - The Rooster Man...

See? You've just heard the name and you're already laughing.

Oh! Oh, it's Bella. I better go.

Right now? What? Is the club on fire?

Uh, no. The Comedy Club's closed.

That right there is the star of the town tonight.

Oh, this is why I love Christmas;

people coming together just to watch a switch get flipped.

Yeah, it's beautiful.

I'll be there, front row.

Back row? What?

Uh, I just-- I don't want Bella to get upstaged.

I will be incognito, I promise.

- Like the Rooster Man. - Hmm.

I don't actually know what his deal is.

Is he the one with the laser thingies or is he invisible?

Well, he's a rooster.

So, he has razor-sharp talons

and he can more, like, glide short distances.

Don't forget, he's funny.

He is a grown man with talons, so...

Hilarious.

Oh, you forgot your, uh...

Eggnog.

I'll see you tonight.

Hey, maybe you will, maybe you won't.

Good news:

we just secured an improv group for the talent show.

Amazing. Second City?

Cook County Technical Institute.

But the good news is they said they'd work for drinks.

That puts us at four acts only,

and we still need a headliner.

Bella, right?

No, she said she would rather apologize to second husband

than go up during the variety show.

What about Mike Baxter?

Ian, he's an award-nominated actor.

I mean, there were Golden Universe Awards or whatever,

but no, he's not doing our show.

Okay, I want you guys to tell me the truth.

Is this too "Santa Baby"?

Eartha Kitt wishes.

Oh... Aubri, who's your friend?

This is Ian, my cousin.

You hired him a month ago.

Oh, and I would hire him again in a heartbeat.

You look ravishing, as always.

But I think that outfit might be a bit too much for tonight.

It's pretty cold outside. It's going to be freezing.

What are you talking about?

The gala is at the police museum.

No, no, no. No.

You are intro-ing the tree lighting tonight.

I sent you the jokes yesterday.

I thought that was just banter for the Italian beef hour

at the gala.

Besides, it's not like I didn't tell you.

The Christmas Fest is a really big deal, Bella.

If you saw the names of the people on that list, Aubri,

you wouldn't be making such a fuss.

It's just a lot of people are relying on you to be there.

And I'm relying on myself to start networking.

I mean, why aren't I in those superhero movies?

What do you think? I can't play a chicken or a--

Or a sultry supervillain bent on revenge?

Oh, Aubri, how much are we paying

this delightful young man?

Very little.

Yeah.

Oh, it's my manager.

Okay, fix that tree thing.

Remember, I believe in you.

And you stay right where you are.

Hello.

- Thanks for encouraging her. - Hey!

It's a bummer nobody will hear your jokes tonight.

Oh, well, I'll have plenty more opportunities before Christmas.

Why doesn't Belle invite you to her party,

so you can meet all her agent friends?

Oh, she says bringing her assistant as her plus one

will make it seem like she can't get a date.

I just met her and she seems incredible, but seems like

she dangles a carrot to keep you behind the scenes.

No, she supports my career.

Because it supports hers.

Next year will be different.

She knows how much this means to me.

And it's not like I don't enjoy my job.

You're talented, cuz.

I just want to see you hit it big time

and not be a ghostwriter forever.

Thank you.

What's the deal with Bella?

Oh, uh, she sent her apologies,

but her dog was sick, and then got better,

and then got adopted, so she had to deal with that.

But it all-- it all ended up working out.

I told Brittany at City Hall this afternoon.

Well, she must have forgotten to tell me because, in ten minutes,

I'm emceeing this thing

and I haven't even started my vocal warm-ups.

I'm sure your elocution will be spot on.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have...

Well, obviously, we need someone to perform,

and that's gonna be you.

Me?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

I'm a nobody. No.

Well, that's what I told them, but my hands are tied.

They're your jokes. Do it for Christmas.

No, they won't be the same. I don't have Bella's delivery.

I... I haven't done my vocal warm-ups either, so...

You can do it.

Yeah, well, whether you can or can't, it's happening.

You're on in two minutes.

Two minutes.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

I'll go do sound check. You got this.

Yeah. Okay.

Ooh... Okay. Yeah, so, I'm gonna do it.

Psst. Hey, it's Mike.

Yeah, I know.

Mike Baxter.

Do I not look incognito?

No, you look like Mike Baxter but in sunglasses.

Where's Bella? Isn't she about to go on?

I'm filling in. It's a whole thing.

- Great! - No! No, no.

It's not great. Nobody knows who I am.

Now, nobody knows who you are.

Now, I'm just the same nobody but in sunglasses.

Look, you're gonna be-- you're gonna be great. Okay?

Just go out there and have some fun with it.

They'll know you the next time.

Please welcome to the stage...

- Oh, no. - Okay, no, no, no.

You're not going anywhere. You got this.

- Okay. - Okay, you got this.

...from our beloved Comedy Club, Aubri Wilson.

Good luck up here. They wouldn't give me an inch.

- Okay. - That's my time.

Hello. Merry Christmas, everybody.

Oh, I forgot to move this out of the way.

- Ardenville, merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

As Robert said, I do,

in fact, work for the historic Comedy Club.

You all look a little confused, and you know what?

I am just as confused as you are.

Yeah, the more observant

in the audience may have noticed,

I am not, in fact, Bella Deldomino.

Was it my bouncy,

radiant skin that gave it away?

- What? - No?

Uh, well, can we give it up for the Comedy Club?

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, I've been there for about five years,

performing duties as, to quote my business cards,

"crypt keeper".

Our hallowed halls are lined with photographs of famous,

legendary comedians who have graced our stage over the years.

They are icons,

the real who's who of Hollywood,

as in, "Uh, who's that again?"

Um... Well,

does anybody have someone in their life

that is just impossible to buy presents for?

- Bella! Bella! Bella! - Uh, anyone?

Bella! Bella! Bella!

See, my mother,

she's is one of those people. Oh, I love my mother, but--

Bella! Bella! Bella!

Oh!

Uh, Mike Baxter, what are you doing here?

Mike Baxter!

Hi there. I was just enjoying your set,

and it suddenly occurred to me

that I'm pretty sure my picture

is hanging on the walls of the Comedy Club.

No, no, no, no, no. Oh, allow me to clarify.

Yes, please, please clarify.

My earlier joke bore no relevance to the defendant.

No, no, no! Not a defendant.

- No, no. No. - A different word.

The all-around innocent...

Innocent! We like that much better.

Michael...

Baxter!

You can get off my stage now.

And don't forget, tickets are on sale for the Variety Show

Christmas Eve at the Comedy Club.

You really saved me up there.

Oh, come on. It's just tough to deal with hecklers.

But that was great. That was fun, right?

- It was fun. - That was incredible.

I was so scared you were going to bomb, I almost passed out.

Mike, this is Ian, my very supportive cousin,

who always believes in me.

I'm such a big fan,

especially of your recent work.

Oh.

That scene where you forgave yourself

for not forgiving your son for never forgiving you,

I felt that.

Well, he's a liar, but I like him.

Oma Wenders on the house, sponsors of the event.

And Mr. Baxter, I'm really hoping we see you and Belle

at some of our other holiday events.

Sure, count me in, anything Christmas.

This is gonna be the best

Christmas Fest Ardenville has ever seen.

It's time for the tree lighting!

Oh, we're missing the-- the switch getting flipped.

Okay!

Ten, nine, eight...

Come on, come on, come on!

...six, five,

four, three, two, one!

Oh, my God! What is this?

Oma Wenders.

It'll get easier the more you drink.

Oh, spicy!

Oh, it burns. I like it now.

Just take out those two words there.

Oh, I heard you and Mike were quite a hit

at the Christmas tree lighting ceremony.

You know, it's hard for me to picture you on stage.

It's really not in your wheelhouse, is it?

We had to promote the variety show.

Yeah, the ticket sales haven't been great.

You were lucky to have some star power with you.

How did it work?

Well, we sold more tickets, and acts are calling us now,

which means we can finally hold auditions.

No, I mean, how did it work, your performance?

You know, I mean, your writing skills are stellar.

But sometimes, stage work,

it requires a more... commanding presence.

Well, Mike had enough presence for the both of us.

Oh, well, I'm happy that it went well for you.

But you know, it could just be beginner's luck.

So, you don't want to get too overconfident about it.

I mean, you're used to seeing me kill on stage,

so you might forget how embarrassing it could be

if the whole thing fell flat.

Well, you can dazzle audiences

in the Christmas Village walk-through.

Ehh. No.

Where's the drama?

It's too pedestrian.

No, you're not walking.

You're interacting with people as they walk through.

And from what I'm told,

you are playing a significant Christmas legend.

Oh, that sounds more like it: Bella Deldomino,

Christmas legend.

There you go.

You're going to come with me, right?

Because, I mean, in case I need to change the script,

I mean, I need you there.

Of course, I will be there, as always.

But you are a guest on a podcast next week,

so let's focus on that next, okay?

♪ Christmas liqueurs...

Writing away?

Reminds me of when you were a kid,

always lost in your notebook.

Well, except I'm not getting grounded

for ignoring my homework.

I haven't felt this creative in a really long time.

Well, I made you some mint tea

for helping me bring the girls to school.

Oh, thank you.

Wait, school? I could have sworn you said "racetrack".

I really appreciate you

for letting me crash at your place.

We love having you.

I mean, I wish you could have

stayed with us last year, you and... Jessica.

She's left me for some football player,

then left him when his team lost in the playoffs.

I think she has commitment issues.

Hmm. That's one way to put it.

Well, she would have never stayed.

That bed is awful.

You said you slept well.

I did, I said that, but I lied.

But hanging with family is worth the kink in my neck...

and the nagging in my ear.

Yeah, well, just think, if you had a family of your own,

you'd be able to experience this kind of torture every day.

I do want a family someday.

It just hasn't been right.

- I have time. - Mm-hmm.

Sorry.

- One sec. - Mm-hmm.

Hey, Damon.

Is he on or isn't he? Brandon, is he on?

He's here. Hi, Damon.

Mikey, my favorite client. Sorry about that.

I had this new assistant forwarding calls

and it's just been a mess.

Right. You know, you could try being a little more gentle.

What are you, my last assistant?

Listen, okay? I'm calling to let you know

that things are going well with Rooster, okay?

We have an offer?

Well, not an offer per se,

but they do want you to come back in

and read with the guy with ho's doing the voice for--

what's the name of that talking cow again? Um...

Agent Bo Vine.

Yes, that's the one.

By the way, they're going crazy

for your Christmas set that you did with that woman.

They were thinking about rewriting

the cow and Rooster relationship

to have the same banter, you know what I mean?

They saw that?

Everyone's seen it.

How is it possible that my own mother

knows more about social media than you do?

Well your mother doesn't get death threats

from teenage comic book fans.

Keep up the appearances, okay?

And we need more viral moments to keep going,

so that the studio cannot say no.

You know, there was a time

when an actor could just give a good audition.

Well, when you see that actor, tell him I said good morrow.

Until then, let's keep the viral moments coming, okay?

Viral moments...

You look amazing up there. Your body's looking better.

But you know, Rooster's a superhero.

You know what I mean?

- Goodbye, Damon. - No, no, no, listen.

I'm just saying the carbs at the dinner on Christmas--

The studio loved me at the tree lighting.

Apparently, I'm one step closer to getting the part.

You don't seem excited.

No, I am.

I am. It's just...

...being back made me remember how much I love stand-up,

being on stage, being in front of an audience.

You don't have to be a superhero to be successful.

I have to raise my profile.

I took a big hit with those indies.

Any lower and I'll be going out for the voice of Agent Bo Vine.

Look, things are good. Everything is good.

Good.

Bella, it's almost show time.

You're going to have to tell them

that I've got an emergency with my dog or something.

Nope, I've already used that one. You're stuck.

Now, please, just come on out already.

Look at this sack.

When you said a Christmas legend,

I imagined somebody much more glamorous,

not Santa's stay-at-home hag.

Oh, no. No.

No. Mrs. Claus is a business owner.

I mean, without her, the entire operation just falls apart.

I mean, she, she is strong

and she is independent.

She's probably rich, too, right?

- Oh, yeah. - Oh.

You sure couldn't tell from the horrible shoes.

Where is my husband?

Actually, I don't know, but he better show up soon.

What is that noise?

Those are children, Bella.

Uh... Robert is playing Santa

and he just texted that he's caught in traffic.

So, we're going to have to do without him.

No. No.

Yes. Yes.

No, not alone.

You go, get a costume

or change into something less drab.

You want me?

We are going to do this together.

Aubri, don't you think that

if Mrs. Claus liked children, she would have had some by now?

Uh...

Excuse me. Where did you get that costume?

Okay, how excited are we to see Santa?

Very excited.

Oh! Hey, Robert,

I'll call you right back.

- Hi. - Mike, what are you doing here?

I brought my sister and her girls to see Santa.

This is Olivia, this is Gabrielle.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you, too.

- How's it going? - Good.

Well, our Santa's having a bit of a panic attack on the I-94,

and the kids are lining up, and Bella's the only one there.

This is an emergency.

Yeah, it's been quite the morning

and I don't know what to do.

I mean, I can't make the kids wait any longer, so...

What?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

- Oh, no, no, no. - It'll be great.

- I don't think so. - Mike...

Bella!

Good news, we have a...

What is this?

Mrs. Claus has turned into a magnificent angel.

That's dark, don't you think?

Mike?

You can't be here, Mike. This is my thing.

We have to have Mrs. Claus.

She hands out cookies. Angels, they can't bake.

Angel cookies? Angel food cake?

Angel cookies-- No, no, no.

The kids, they're out there and they're expecting Mrs. Claus,

and there's feathers everywhere.

Bella, this is not gonna work and we are late already.

If you are so concerned

about those so-called "kids", you wear the sack.

Yeah, you put on the sack.

And look, I knew this was going to be perfect.

- Oh... - The gray!

- Really looks so good on you. - Oh, yeah?

I mean, doesn't this make a lot more sense?

Children.

Mm-hmm.

Oh!

Well, Merry Christmas, children.

Come and say hello to Santa and Mrs. Claus.

Ho, ho, ho!

Welcome to my village!

Welcome to my village!

Mrs. Claus has been baking cookies all day for you!

All right, all right, you sugar plums.

If you can just form a single line...

and Santa will hear all your Christmas requests.

I forgot to mention,

I don't have a lot of experience with kids.

Oh, you'll be fine. They love Santa.

Okay, okay, everybody!

Take one cookie!

Okay, two! Two cookies!

Okay, is there an elf that can help us?!

Okay, three! Everyone gets three!

- Bella! - Is there an elf back there?!

I'm here!

You've been bumped!

You can't bump Santa!

Oh, it happens, even to the best of us.

Mike! Aubri!

♪ Silent night Shh...

Okay. ♪ Holy night

♪ All is calm

We're being calm.

♪ All is bright But we're still having fun.

♪ Round...

Look! You're under the mistletoe!

I got some great videos of you today.

You should post them.

Maybe not the ones of you weeping like a small child.

All right, you know what? You just witnessed a man

getting trampled by cookie-deprived children,

and all you're doing is trying to get views.

Hey, you wanted to connect with your audience more.

This is the perfect way.

A little less terror would have been better.

My agent thinks it's helping with the studio.

Yeah, I'm sure.

You know, I think you should show people the real you.

The kids, they loved you. You were a big hit.

Yeah, well, Grandpa is pretty bad with social media stuff.

Will you help me?

Yeah, of course. And afterwards,

maybe I can even teach you about internet dial-up.

What about tomorrow night?

Caroline's?

I hear they have a famous chocolate cake.

All right, you know what?

If you don't like chocolate cake,

I'm going to go hang with the shepherds.

It's just, we have an event this week

and Bella needs new material, so...

Well, if you want we could work on jokes together.

I was planning on dropping in for open mic night, anyway.

Yes, Bella would love it if you went up. Yeah,

Why don't you come on stage with me?

- We'll do a set together. - No.

Come on, it'll be fun. You could always do your own set.

- Oh, no. - It'll be fun.

- No. - All right. All right. I tried.

I got to get back to my sister.

I'll see you tomorrow night, eight o'clock.

Wow!

- Who's the hot date? - Uh, not a date.

Okay? A work meeting.

I'm helping Mike with social media

and he's helping me with jokes.

He's a very lucky work colleague.

He doesn't see me like that. Stars date other stars.

Yeah, well, last time I checked,

you're the funniest person I know.

Then, wish me luck... with work.

- Uh-huh. - With work.

Good luck.

Hi.

Excuse me, is the table a little more private?

Thanks.

Okay, bye.

Thank you.

Okay...

- Thank you. - Thank you.

If my agent asks, I ordered cottage cheese.

Rooster?

They want this version of me that doesn't exist.

Apparently, superheroes eat like monks.

Okay, and what do you want?

I want to enjoy my life and make people happy.

I got Saturday Sketch Club at 19 and for the first time,

I was successful, but it felt like

I needed to prove myself as a real actor.

So, I started doing these dramas, which all flopped,

and then it felt like I needed to be on top to be happy.

Okay, so, the dramas flopped, but why not go back to comedy?

I love comedy,

but I wanted to feel in control of my life again.

You know, failed relationships and box office disasters.

So, I took myself out of the comedy game entirely,

put myself in early retirement.

Got myself a landline, and a walker,

and a whole bunch of hard candy.

Okay, well, to me, it seems like

you were afraid to fail at something

that was really important to you.

Well, right now all that's important to me is carb-loading

before I need a six-pack.

Okay, you don't have to do that.

No, I do. It's-- it's in my contract.

It's a contractual six-pack.

It's okay to be yourself, you know?

You don't have to prove anything to me.

Sometimes, it feels like

I need to prove to everyone

that I'm still that 19-year-old success story.

Is that why you're taking Rooster?

Because it seems to me like you don't really want it.

I do.

It's the only way to come back on top.

I just want to make people smile again.

Well, for what it's worth, you make me smile

without being star of screen and stage Mike Baxter.

You're different.

I am talking so much.

Way too much. What about you? What about your stage debut?

I mean, you've got that star quality.

Nobody can take their eyes off of you.

Is-is what everyone believes.

Not just me.

That's all I'm saying.

It's better for me off-stage, trust me.

Who told you that?

Everyone,

Bella, my mom, eighth-grade drama teacher.

No, to not even try, when you're clearly as talented as you are,

it's absolutely crazy to me.

You owe it to yourself to try.

I have goals, I do.

My goal is to get in the writers room,

you know, write for stars like you.

Stars like me... Look, don't waste your talent behind a desk.

You should make this Christmas mean something.

It's the best time to follow your heart.

You might be surprised where it leads you.

Christmas has this way of giving us exactly what we need.

- Bella. - Hello, darling.

Thank you so much for fitting my little show into your schedule.

Oh! Ha-ha!

Well, if having over a million subscribers to a podcast

is little, then my fan base is like a flea circus.

You must be so excited with the Comedy Club going viral.

Oh, yes. Well, Mike Baxter is performing.

Oh, it always makes us so happy

when our stars come back home to their roots.

Absolutely. Him and this new comic

are certainly causing a sensation,

oh, and promoting the Comedy Club.

New comic?

Yes, yes, yes. Please tell me all about her.

I mean, breaking new talent

is part of the Comedy Club's legacy.

Uh-huh.

Huh?

Oh.

That's my assistant.

She has to get me coffee when I ask her.

Oh, well, that is so sweet of you

to give her a platform at Christmas.

She is clearly a rising talent.

May not be your assistant for long.

Aubri, say something into the mic quick.

Oh, hey, how was the podcast?

Well, good.

Insightful.

I had no idea that the club

was causing such a buzz on the internet.

Yeah, having Mike around helps a lot.

Yeah, of course it does. He's a big star.

So, Aubri, how are tickets going for the variety show?

Um, okay. I think as soon as I secure a headliner,

then, uh, things should really pick up.

Yeah, it's tough, I know.

I'll tell you...

...I won't perform, but I will host.

Sure.

Yeah, I think everybody will love that.

I know they will. Well, duty calls.

If the Christmas Fest needs me,

I'll be there.

Does this mean you'll be attending other events?

What's next?

Twinkle Tunnel.

Ah. Is there an audience?

No, it's a tunnel.

But there will be at the Snowball Social,

which is right afterwards.

Okay, you can count on me.

I'll be there with a costume on.

Now, Aubri, I don't want you filling in for me

any longer, darling.

I can tell by the state of your under eyes that you are working

way, way, way too hard.

Now, and I'll need new material.

For tonight?

That is what I pay you for, isn't it?

Not to be prancing around on stage,

flirting with Mike Baxter.

Uh, yes, I will send you some new stuff this afternoon.

Excellent. See that you do.

Well, that was a sudden change of heart.

No, no, I've seen this before. When her last husband remarried,

she made me send all these fake rumors to tabloids and stuff.

She must think Mike's performing at the variety show.

Oh, it's too late now.

We've got some auditions to watch,

so I'm going to think about what to do with that later.

I really think you should try and beatbox.

- I think you could do it. - Oh, absolutely.

- Yeah, you could. - Hey, guys.

Sorry, I'm late. This is my sister Steph.

- Hi. - Steph, this is Aubri.

- This is Ian. - Nice to meet you.

Mike said you wouldn't mind if I watched.

I told her we were judging people,

and she forced me to bring her.

Not at all. Please, take a seat.

Oh, wow.

I like the sweater.

- He's got a nice outfit. - Thank you.

Aubri, I, uh-- I love you.

I really, really love you.

I really appreciate you.

- Can I start again? - Sure, you can try again.

Yeah, one more try.

Keep-- keep taking lessons.

This is theatre.

My name? Meaningless.

Oh, thank-- thank you.

I'm a poet. The club.

Chicken club. Turkey club.

Comedy club.

One, two, three. Christmas tree,

Aubri, you and me.

Oh! Oh!

- That's-- thank you. - That's good.

Thank you.

It's okay. I got one more.

You tell Luca to stay.

Luca's a method actor.

Oh, no, no.

It's gonna be okay.

Nice. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I loved the juggler.

The juggler might have been my favorite, actually.

Thank you guys for letting me

put my judgmental skills to good use.

Let me know if you want tickets.

Oh, I would, but my husband gets home on Christmas Eve,

and we have this tradition of dinner and movies,

by which I mean takeout

and fighting over what movie to watch.

I guess most people are staying home on Christmas Eve

instead of buying tickets, so...

You'll get your audience.

Yeah, hopefully, we will, with these new acts.

Anyway, we should get back. It's open mic night.

Good. I'll see you tonight.

Really?

Yeah, but keep it a secret. I want an unsuspecting audience.

- See you tonight. - See ya.

At Christmas, dads hold court.

We're the ones who have a direct line to Santa.

Like, kids must laugh at our jokes, right?

Who's never hungry at Christmas?

I don't know.

Turkey!

- Because he's always stuffed. - Oh, come on.

Oh, come on. Remember who's got the line to Santa.

Please, please, be nice, folks.

By the way, my name is Jeremy.

Oh, open mic is tough.

Dying is easy, comedy is hard.

That's why I always stay behind the scenes.

Okay!

Let's all give it up for Jeremy!

Jeremy!

Good for you, Jeremy.

Okay, settle back, have a drink.

Our next comic will be coming up in a minute.

Hey, how's the audience tonight?

Ooh, somewhere between gazpacho and room temp.

Right where I like them.

You're not nervous?

I mean, this is your first stand-up in years.

I'm excited.

I just hope they remember who I am.

Or at least forget my last movie.

They'll love you.

Why don't you go up there and shine, super star?

All right, pretend to laugh no matter what.

- Testing. - Whoo!

Can we get some lights, please?

Stop it. Thank you. Thank you. You're very kind.

Please, stop.

All right, keep it going, keep it going.

So, Christmas, people talk about the parties,

the presents, the food.

But nobody talks about...

♪ The weird Christmas liqueurs

♪ Don't make me drink

♪ Your weird Christmas liqueurs ♪

♪ It's like they mix vegetables with some menthol ♪

♪ It tastes a lot like Pepto Bismol ♪

♪ Weird Christmas liqueurs

♪ Cherry, eggnog

♪ Pumpkin spice

♪ Before you drink it, I would think twice ♪

♪ Don't give me your peppermint matcha schnapps ♪

♪ I drank the whole shot

♪ And it gave me the craps

♪ Weird Christmas liqueurs

♪ Next year, I'll say...

♪ No thank you

Ladies and gentlemen, I've got a big problem here.

It's a problem that has plagued humanity for a very long time.

♪ Uh, uh, uh

♪ Should I buy a fake tree or the real thing? ♪

♪ A pine tree has a lot of needles to clean ♪

♪ I'm not saying that a real tree ain't jing-a-ling ♪

♪ But do I want to do the extra work and everything?

♪ I only have a six-foot ceiling ♪

♪ My vacuum will start squealing ♪

♪ I'm not saying that a real tree ain't healing ♪

♪ But suddenly, a fake one sounds appealing ♪

♪ I don't wanna be a Grinch to anyone ♪

♪ But I bet even Santa has a fake one ♪

♪ I'm not saying that a real tree ain't fun ♪

♪ But this year I'm going with a fake ♪

♪ Don't judge, son

All right, I'm getting a fake tree this year, it's settled.

Thank you for helping me with that.

Well!

Wasn't that a triumphant return to our stage?

Mr. Mike Baxter!

- Mike, what's new? - Hey, I just got off stage.

Oh, man! It felt so good to be back.

Excellent. I'm actually on my way

to a Christmas party tonight, but I wanted to tell you

the vids you sent me are catching fire!

Oh, that's great, but this... this felt right.

You know, I think we should start a tour, maybe a special.

Sure. After you land Rooster,

then you have carte blanche in Hollywood.

Well, right, but I may not get it.

Well, my buddy told me that Harlow Studio execs

love that you're mingling with the people,

doing your Christmas thing.

I think you got it in the bag.

So, let's land this movie, then talk about stand-up.

Do you think this is the right fit for me?

What if Rooster Man is just another bad move?

You know, I can't afford another swing and miss like that.

Stop, stop. You're being paranoid, okay?

You're bigger than stand-up. This is our way back to the top.

Don't blow it.

I just want to connect to people again

in a real way.

And you will... in Imax.

Listen, I gotta go, okay?

But I'm really happy you had a good time tonight.

I will keep you posted

with everything to do with the studio.

You are so close.

It's so close, Mike, okay?

I gotta go. Talk soon.

Talk soon.

You know, one time I bombed so badly,

the next guy up passed around a hat to start my relocation fund.

I made more money that night than I did the whole month.

I got laughs with the same jokes at a club last night.

Look, there's no substitution for stage time.

And just keep having fun, you know,

regardless of how they're reacting,

and they're gonna wanna join in.

Ah, it's great advice. Thanks. I appreciate it.

You're a legend, Mike Baxter.

Oh, stop it.

Hey, chin up, it only gets harder.

Ha!

Look at you.

You were great tonight. You killed it.

Thank you, thank you. It felt great;

the happiest I've felt in a long time.

You know, some people even like to smile when they're happy.

Okay,

my agent thinks I need to focus on acting, not stand-up.

Maybe you should just focus on what makes you happy.

He said if I get the part, I'll have carte blanche.

I was too embarrassed to tell him

I don't actually speak French.

Yeah, I'm sure you will,

right after the sequel, the crossover,

and the reboot where you pass the torch on

to a much younger, much more bankable Rooster.

Mm. Mm-hmm. Much younger, better. Mm-hmm.

You know, this Christmas, I feel...

more alive than I have for the last five years.

Why is that?

Well, a wise man once told me

that Christmas gives you exactly what you need.

So, pay attention.

What if I fall on my face? What if I fail?

Well, the Comedy Club is actually hiring a janitor.

We don't offer benefits, but you can get any show for free.

Laughing is so easy with you.

Well, I'm happy to help.

Now, chin up because it only gets harder.

Chin up, that was my line.

- Yeah. - With Jeremy.

You just stole my line.

- Yeah, that's the whole point. - I just said that.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Got you an omelet. - Awesome.

I haven't had a chance to eat breakfast yet.

- How much? - It's on me.

Ian, I signed your paychecks, I know how much you make.

It's fine. Tickets are at a standstill for the show.

Even after Mike's performance last night.

I know, but we don't have an act big enough to entice people

to leave their homes on Christmas Eve.

Honestly, everyone wants to know if Mike will be there.

I do too.

Bella's coming. Just don't mention anything.

Hi.

How about last night?

We got more hearts on our post than ever.

That's amazing.

I was thinking,

we should give some hot chocolate

to the people in the standby line-up when we sell out.

What? For eight, ten bucks a cup?

We will have to get them to line up in the back,

out in the alley, because the front

is going to be VIP only.

VIP?

Casting agents and network execs and directors.

Oh, they're starting to swarm like sharks and I,

Bella, am finally the chum.

Ah, that's amazing.

Look,

this variety show is so important.

We've got to impress these people or else, we're finished.

We don't want that.

So, tell me you have this Aubri.

Yes, I will take care of it.

It's New York.

Ah, New York.

This variety show, it could really change my--

our career.

Yeah.

I'll see you both later.

Not if I see you first.

He slays me.

Oh!

- What am I going to do? - You know what to do.

Give the people what they want.

I can't. No. Mike has enough on his plate.

Just ask him. He's into you.

You think he's into me?

No. No, every celebrity wants to spend their vacation

handing out cookies in a costume.

Don't tell me you're not into him.

'Kay, maybe I'm just a little into him.

I love you, cuz.

But waiting for what you want to find you is...

a waste.

You need to stop hiding behind Bella.

Take charge;

could change your life and sell tickets.

Okay!

- I will go for him. - Yes!

Professionally.

Sure.

Oh, I put the drinks

and the omelet on the company card.

- I hope that's okay. - Yes.

Seeing Aubri?

What makes you say that?

Since when do you wear cologne?

I always wear cologne.

Too much?

I have seen you take a nap backstage

20 minutes before a sketch with Obama.

How are you nervous now?

She's great. I mean, she...

We have so much fun together.

She sees things in me I didn't know anyone else could.

Good.

Show her who you really are,

not some shameless, non-committal bachelor

those gossip blogs make you out to be.

It's their words, not mine.

I appreciate you, Steph.

You know that?

I know you do.

Now, don't screw this up.

Right.

Bring her something nice.

Okay.

Nice,

not expensive.

Right.

- Hey. - Hey.

Sorry I'm late. I was walking over and saw this in a window.

It's beautiful.

To remind you of how you killed it at the tree lighting.

It's a well-made item and it reminded me of you.

I love it.

Shut up.

- Shall we? - Yeah.

Come on. Oh, it's a microphone, by the way.

It's because you're an amazing singer.

Wow. Beautiful.

Nice change of pace from a Comedy Club.

I'm really glad you came and not just tonight,

but to the Comedy Club.

You've made this Christmas pretty fun.

- Oh, yeah? - You know that? Yeah.

Okay, maybe I should get you an ornament,

so you won't forget it.

Ooh, I wonder where I can get one

with a mob of children bringing a grown man to tears.

Don't worry, it's gonna haunt my dreams...

- Mine, too. - ...for a very long time.

And besides, who says I want to go back?

What are you going to do here?

As long Bella's around, I cannot promise you safety.

Oh, that's a very good point. I could open up a B&B.

'B' for the iron bars I will install on all the windows.

Of course.

But yeah, it sounds perfect for when you retire.

Let's not forget you have a movie career.

It's been really awesome being on stage again.

You know, near people that are important to me.

Well, then, that's where you belong.

It'll make a lot of people really mad.

I think it would make a lot more people happy.

Are you one of those people?

I just want what's best for you.

Most people want something from me,

not you.

Can I be honest?

Yeah. Yeah, of course.

Okay, I'm just gonna get it out.

The social media storm is attracting a lot of attention,

a ton of industry people are coming to the variety show.

Yeah, yeah. No, it's great.

I think my agent's flying in with some.

Yeah, but we have a ton of industry people

and no locals to laugh, clap, or just enjoy the fun.

And well, if I have a half-empty room,

then Bella's career is finished,

and then mine just goes down the drain with hers.

The tickets aren't selling, and we really need a headliner,

and lot of people are asking about you.

And would you just please make my Christmas wish?

Yes. Yes. Of course.

- Really? - Yes.

It would be my pleasure.

So, can Bella announce it at the Snowball Social tonight?

I have your word?

Because if the audience start rioting,

then I'm actually Bella's designated human shield.

- Let's go sell some tickets. - Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. I didn't think--

Come on. Let's do it. For the Snowball Social!

♪ That Christmas time feeling

♪ With family all around

♪ Sleigh bells and the sound

Hi there, Nutcracker.

You look beautiful.

Thank you. And a reward for the compliment.

She comes at a price. What is this?

- A walnut for you. - What?

For me? Oh, my-- Thank you so much for this.

Do you want me to eat this right now?

You do. I just crack them.

Well, actually, it turns out

walnuts are really tough to crack.

Right. That makes sense.

And who are you supposed to be?

Jack Frost, baby.

Handsome.

Not as functional as a nutcracker.

A nutcracker. Obviously.

- But very handsome. - Thank you.

- Aubri? - Oh.

- Looks like I got to-- - Your elf needs some help.

I got an elf to attend to. Okay.

Well?

I thought you were supposed to wear a costume.

Oh. Ha-ha. What'd he say?

He said yes.

He's going to headline.

Huh?

What if he said no?

I put it on the company card.

Ooh. I should probably find Bella so she can announce.

Oh. She actually texted me saying she's running late.

She also asked me to save her a slow dance.

Think I learned my lesson about encouraging older women.

Why is Mike Baxter in a costume?

Is it true? Is Mike Baxter headlining the variety show?

- I hope that's okay. - Okay?

I was about to give away free tickets

to the assisted living facility.

We'll announce it right before

the couples' snowball spotlight dance. Thank you.

Well, I should probably help Ian.

Yeah, yeah. 'Cause simple addition does hurt my brain.

I think I'll be okay.

Go have fun.

Want to dance?

I think we might sell out tonight, thanks to you.

What are you talking about? Thanks to you.

Give yourself some credit. You've been working hard.

The Comedy Club belongs to Bella.

I mean, without her, I wouldn't even have a chance to write.

Mm-mmm. Not true.

You write because that's who you are.

But to be honest, from what I've seen,

you are so much more.

I think when Bella eventually

introduces me to her industry friends,

then I can finally make that leap.

Okay. I had a mentor once who told me

that it's a very dangerous thing

to put your entire destiny in someone else's hands.

You don't need Bella's help.

You didn't have any help?

You said the variety show gave you your first big break.

A talent scout saw you.

Oh, he did, but he was only there

because I sent him the tickets.

I e-mailed to make sure that he got the tickets,

and called repeatedly to make sure that he got the e-mail

to make sure that he got the tickets,

and I did the same thing for about 15 others.

One showed up.

- Really? - Yes.

- Look at you. - Mm-hmm?

- Still obnoxious. - Mm-hmm?

About to be a superhero.

Well, I mean, the jury is still out on that.

I won't know until after Christmas.

And what are you doing for Christmas?

Well, after the show, probably a very exciting night.

Watering my plants.

- Sorting my mail. - Very exciting.

Unless you'd want to spend Christmas together.

But it'll be your fault if my plants die.

Ladies and gentlemen,

our couples' spotlight snowball dance

is about to start.

But before the romance gets started, our costume friends

from the Comedy Club have a huge announcement

about the closing of the Christmas fest.

You can tell me later.

So, I know a lot of you know

that we've had a special guest here over the holidays.

Let me get the team up from the Comedy Club

to tell us more. Uh, is Bella here?

No, but Aubri is here.

What?

Aubri Wilson, come on down.

Hello.

As I'm sure some of you have noticed,

we've added a new headliner to our variety show.

Yeah?

So, I am pleased to announce that...

...Mike Baxter will be performing.

Thank you so much, Aubri, darling.

Aubri, my assistant, everybody.

Thank you, darling. Thank you.

Okay. Please help me bring to the stage

the Comedy Club's superstar comic

and our Christmas headliner,

Mike Baxter!

Okay. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Thank you.

Mike, we are so thrilled to have you performing,

and of course, I'll be hosting. The dynamic duo.

Right, folks?

Okay. Now, don't forget. Pick your tickets up tonight,

because we are selling out so fast.

Oh, yeah.

The hottest show in town is only three days away.

Please make sure you get your tickets

from the table in the back,

and why don't we get Mr. and Mrs. Jack Frost

to kick off this snowball spotlight dance?

That the Ice Queen to you, darling.

But I will accept the spotlight.

Mike?

Bella?

♪ If you say

I'm so glad you're helping me.

Thanks, Bella. Appreciate that. And you spin...

♪ Your last goodbye

♪ And I knew you were going away ♪

I'm not keeping you, am I?

- Want some good news? - Sure.

Tickets are sold out. The VIP section is full.

It's going to be a packed house on Christmas Eve.

- You did it. - We did it.

They should get a fantastic show.

Tomorrow, we celebrate.

Oh, no. No, no, no. I have to write.

Christmas Eve is three days away,

and Bella is going to need jokes.

What about Mike?

You know, I am going to need an opening act.

Jack Frost and the Ice Queen

are a better fit than the Nutcracker.

Thank you for everything.

Hello?

Mike, you're not still out in, what was it, Dakota, are you?

Uh, outside Chicago. Our third largest city.

Right. Well, listen.

I was watching the sunrise this morning,

and I couldn't help but notice

that you weren't outside crowing.

What?

Crowing.

Sunrise. It's what roosters do.

Yes. Thank you, Damon. I know. What's happening?

- Did I get the part? - Yes. You got it.

What I'm trying to say is you are officially the rooster!

Well, actually, I'm Rooster Man.

Exactly. Listen. They called this morning.

I'm working on a deal right now.

But you are a man of the people. You sealed the deal!

Congrats.

Congrats.

Mikey, didn't you hear me?

Did my assistant drop the call? 'Cause if he did, I swear--

- Brandon! - No, no. I'm here.

Hey. Can I call you back?

I have to finish writing my act for the variety show.

Wait, wait, wait. You're not still performing, are you?

We need you back in LA, ASAP.

They need to scan your feet for the prosthetics.

I can't. I'm headlining.

No, Mike. You don't understand. You have to be back in LA.

They're doing a whole song and dance

at one of those conventions.

You know, the ones where the geeks get together

and watch trailers?

I just, um--

I need a bit of time to think about this.

No. There's no time.

My assistant booked you a flight Christmas Eve.

Hell send you the details.

- I'm committed to the club. - Mike, they will understand.

This is a franchise, Mikey.

We're talking about action figures and bedsheets.

A whole lot of people are counting on you with this.

Maybe this isn't the right move for me.

Oh, yes, it is. Listen.

I will personally bring you the contract myself.

I'm on my way.

Brandon! Are you there?

Listen, Brandon. Book me a flight out to, um--

Where is this place?

No, Damon. You really don't need to come here.

Listen, Mikey. Listen to me. Two words, okay?

Whole grains.

- Damon-- - I'll see you soon.

Damon?

It's going to be a big night.

At the very least,

an expensive one. Bella asked for

last-minute decorations.

But did give me my Christmas bonus, so it's a wash.

She gave me one, too. Now, I remember why I started

encouraging older women in the first place.

This is good stuff.

It can't be all for Bella.

It's my idea book.

I write anything and everything in it.

Then you should perform it.

You have enough material there.

I'm a writer.

Besides, anytime I was good, Mike was up there with me.

- Hi. - Hi.

I'm Damon Cardona. I represent Mike Baxter.

Are you the cleaning staff?

Among other things. You're early for the show.

No, I'm not here for the show.

I'm only here to pick up Mike. Is he around?

Uh, picking up?

Yeah. I'd love to get to the O'Hare

before the Diamond Lounge fills up.

I'm sorry.

I haven't talked to Mike in the last day. He's leaving?

Oh, you guys must not read up on the trades.

Okay. Look, then. Mike booked Rooster Man.

So, he has to go back to LA for press.

You know, I got to thank you, because those viral videos

helped us cross the finish line. They were amazing.

- Hi, Damon. - Ah.

I told you I would be here. Listen.

I could not let you miss an opportunity.

So, I have a car in the back.

If you hurry up, you can get that champagne service.

Damon, I'm going to meet you outside.

- Okay? - Right.

Well, good meeting you. Merry Christmas.

And, uh, don't take too long.

I, uh, think I left my oven on. I'm going to--

You got the part.

I wanted to tell you, but I wasn't sure about taking it.

Okay? I needed some time to think.

And did you?

You could have told me before Damon did.

I needed to figure out what I was going to do first.

And what you figured out was leaving me here

without a headliner? Just backing out at the last minute?

It's complicated.

And that's why I came over here, to tell you in person.

I didn't think Damon was going to find you first.

This has been in the works for such a long time.

I don't have a choice.

You do, and you made it.

You don't understand. People rely on me

doing this movie.

The studio can crush you.

Somebody told me that it is a dangerous thing

to leave your destiny in other people's hands.

I'm sorry.

Trust me. It wasn't an easy decision.

Listen to me.

You don't need me for the show.

Okay? You've got the talent.

The tickets are sold.

It's going to be a success no matter what.

Yeah. It will be a success. Thank you.

Aubri, this is your time.

And it's your time to be a hero on the big screen.

Congratulations.

Aubri, you're a star.

You shine on your own.

Merry Christmas, Mike.

We don't have a headliner now?

None of the acts want to replace Mike.

He set the expectations too high.

Yeah. You set your expectations too high

when you put your faith in that... that sellout.

And how much is he making for that movie?

Four or five mil?

Okay. I have a great set. Maybe you can close.

Yeah, or maybe you can get that magician you hired

to saw me in half.

The crowd wants to see the headliner.

They're not going to happy until they do.

And an unhappy crowd,

they don't laugh.

What are the VIPs going to think?

Oh, I cannot believe this is happening to me again!

Bella, they're your friends.

Friends don't forget about you.

Friends don't ignore your calls.

Friends broker your million-dollar deals,

not advertisements for battery acid

thinly disguised as soda pop.

Looks like we're going to crash and burn together.

And you don't deserve that, Aubri.

I'll do it.

What, crash and burn?

I just said we'll do it together.

Headline.

The people in town, they've seen me perform.

I have a ton of followers.

And I got us in this situation,

and I'm going to get us out of it.

Honey, they're not going to be a very forgiving crowd.

I am not going to let them break me, okay? I will do it.

Okay. I'm just going to tell you,

as much as I want to see you succeed out there,

just as much I don't want you to,

because I don't want to lose you.

Impossible.

As if you could ever lose me.

I'm only here because of you, and...

...you'll always be home to me, Bella.

You're brave.

Aubri, you belong on center stage.

I want you to go out there and claim it.

Five minutes till show time.

Oh. There she is. The star that saved Christmas.

And you? You're the Little Dipper.

Does that mean--

I--

I, uh, think I may have just blacked out.

Ooh. Okay. Uh--

Can you stop celebrating so loudly?

The girls are trying to take a nap.

I thought a comeback would make me happy.

But Christmas Eve, having to leave you

and the girls, and--

Look. You know me. I wouldn't do this

if I didn't have a choice.

But you do.

Well, you always have a choice.

I'm proud of you no matter what you do.

I just want you to be happy.

Ah, forgive me for saying this, but I do not like that man.

Yeah. That makes two of us.

I'm so proud of you.

- I love you. - I love you.

Go follow your heart.

Or whatever you have to do to make that man leave.

So, they've already sent some PR briefs.

So, if anyone asks, you've read the comics your whole life

and you can sleep in a chicken coop.

Okay?

Damon, when do I get to be myself?

This is yourself, only richer and hire-able.

What is that?

Are those--

- Hey. It's not a-- - Let me see. What is this?

Mikey, I said whole grains.

I wasn't going to eat the whole thing.

Here. Have some walnuts.

Okay. You know what? You don't want the walnuts?

You don't like them?

How about this?

We can get you something else at the airport, okay?

I don't need to come back on top.

I don't.

I want to make people happy again, in my own way.

Take these and have these.

We can put the abs on you in post.

- No. Damon-- - You can eat whatever you want.

Damon, I got to follow my heart. Listen to me.

We're going to make this living a very happy and lucrative one.

Okay? Trust me. Stop the car, please.

No, no, no. Don't stop the car.

Please don't do this. It's Christmas.

We're talking action figures, Mikey.

Excuse me. Stop the car.

Just drive.

Action figures, Mikey. Bedsheets.

Stop the car.

Damon... eat a pastry.

Mike, don't do this.

Trust me.

I have been naughty all year,

just to save poor Santa the trip.

But really, it's a wonderful life, isn't it, folks?

And we've been blessed this year with a white Christmas.

And we're not home alone. We're all here together,

with a great Christmas, warm spirit,

ready to enjoy the first Christmas variety concert

that the Comedy Club has put on in years.

Yes, yes!

Okay.

You got this, cuz.

Yeah. They're either going to love me

or they're going to hate me. Oh, they're going to hate me.

They're going to love you.

This is your destiny.

I knew it back then in the tree house,

and I know it now.

So, get out there and make them laugh on Christmas.

Get ready for a big Christmas surprise.

Now, please, put your hands together

and help me welcome to the stage our very own funny lady,

the real queen of Christmas...

Are you ready to drop the curtain if I faint? Please.

...Aubri Wilson. Aubri?

Get up here.

We are going to have "snow" much fun.

Get up here and slay them.

This is the nicest she has ever been to me.

I don't know what was in that eggnog.

Hello, hello!

Let's give it up for Bella Deldomino. Yes.

Thank you.

Full house tonight.

Wow. Um, yeah. It's here. December. I know.

Yeah. I can already sense the stress levels rising.

Yeah. The most wonderful time of the year.

You know, when all your loved ones

are so close together under one roof.

You know, it's great. I love Christmas.

It is my favorite holiday.

And of course, I love my mother.

Okay?

Yes, she makes my life a little difficult at times.

There's one thing about her

that just really grinds my gears, and that is that

this angel woman is just impossible to buy presents for.

So, this year, I just gave up.

I said, "Mother, please just tell me

what you want for Christmas, and I will just buy it for you."

She finally told me, but you know,

I can't for the life me find it anywhere.

So, if any of you know

where I can find better health insurance,

please see me after the show.

Yeah.

I mean, have you ever looked at your insurance policy?

I mean, those things, they are longer than a Christmas carol.

You are in trouble. I mean, it's madness.

It's like trying to decipher an ancient scroll.

Anyways, I didn't give up,

because I am a very good daughter.

So, I just kept looking

here and there.

I looked so hard that I actually...

...ended up spraining my ankle looking for it.

- Audience member: Oh, no. - Or at least I think I did.

I was too afraid to go to the hospital to find out.

Mike Baxter.

Too hard. Um...

Mike Baxter.

You came back. Why?

I realized the only comeback I care about

is to the one person that matters to me.

Audience members: Aw.

I also had some last-minute shopping to do.

Ah. There it is. Yes.

Your typical male to-do list.

Finish task that should've been done weeks ago,

and interrupt woman getting more attention than you.

Thank you so much, everybody. Merry Christmas!

Encore! Encore!

Encore! Encore! Encore!

Encore! Encore!

Hey. Um, you know what? Come on up and join me here on stage.

You want me to come on stage right now?

Yeah. Come and join me.

Yo.

Audience member: Woo-hoo!

I've got some notes.

Yeah? Did you learn anything?

What I want most for Christmas?

An apology.

I made a huge mistake.

I'm sorry.

Yeah. Well, you're a big action superhero now,

so I'm sure after your first check,

you'll just forget all about me.

I passed.

I want to be here, laughing with you.

If you'll have me.

Aw.

Mike Baxter, everyone.

So, uh, for some of you that may not know,

he was supposed to play a chicken earlier.

- Rooster. It's a rooster. - Sorry.

Just politically correct for roosters everywhere.

Rooster.

Ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause

for the incredible Aubri Wilson! Give it up.

Congratulations on a spectacular variety show.

Oh, thank you, Robert.

Any chance you're free to join me for Christmas dinner?

Oh, Robert.

Oh, darling, we were never going to work out anyway.

You don't have children, do you, Robert?

Hey. Execs love you, Mike.

They're like the wise men,

but they're offering one-hour specials

instead of sheep or whatever. You did so good!

Come here, man.

Oh! Okay.

And you look fantastic.

Damon, Damon. Merry Christmas.

Are you sure about Rooster Man?

Because I bet we could work something out

right between tour dates and everything,

because practically, it's shooting in CGI.

- So, if you're on stage and-- - Aubri, Aubri.

Damon, I'd like to introduce you to Aubri Wilson.

I think she'd make a great client for the agency.

Hi.

Nice to meet you.

You know,

I love the talk.

And you can have the pick of any agent you want,

especially with his endorsement.

Thank you. I will call you.

Of course.

Looking forward to it.

Ah.

You were wonderful, darling.

Oh, it's just going to break my heart to lose you.

- Oh. - Never--

Unless you decide to stay,

in which case, I'll just have to fire you.

I think if I'm going on tour,

I'm going to need an opening act.

I don't know about an opening act, Mike Baxter.

I might consider co-headlining with you, or--

- It's her. - Oh.

- I'm sorry. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, my goodness.

Well, I'm going to leave you two to discuss.

And remember, you'll always have a home

here at the Comedy Club. The both of you.

- Thanks, Bella. - What a darling couple.

- Oh! - Oh, Bella.

Are you serious about going on tour?

Definitely.

You'll steal the show,

but it keeps me from losing you again.

Worth the trade-off, hmm?

You know, I'm not like those Hollywood girls.

I know.

You're much funnier...

...and you're also perfect.

This is the best Christmas ever.

So, does this mean you'll wait for Santa with me tonight?

Hmm.

You never answered me at the social.

Absolutely.

Merry Christmas, Mike Baxter.

Merry Christmas, Aubri Wilson.

All right. So, I've got one more for you.

- Yeah. This is a love song. - Audience member: Yeah!

Yee-haw!

♪ I really, really like you

♪ I'm desperate for a kiss

♪ I asked you out at a holiday party ♪

♪ But something was amiss

♪ You go a-lookin' over your shoulder ♪

♪ Telling me it's time to go

♪ But I looked up high and then I saw ♪

♪ We're under mistletoe

Yes!

♪ Kiss me, I didn't make up the rules ♪

♪ Don't you dare miss me

♪ And make me feel like such a fool ♪

♪ I'm leaning in toward your face now ♪

♪ It's something that I want to achieve ♪

♪ And if you will allow it

♪ We can kiss till New Year's Eve ♪

Thank you very much! You've been a great audience.

Thank you.