All language subtitles for The.Good.Guy.2009.1080p.WEB.H264-DiMEPiECE_track3_[eng]

[ rain pattering,
thunder rumbling ]

[ buzzes ]

Woman:
Hello.

BETH, HEY.

CAN YOU LET ME UP?
I--

I'M LOCKED OUT
OF MY APARTMENT

AND I LOST MY WALLET
AND MY KEYS AND...

NO, YOU CAN'T
COME UP RIGHT NOW.

IS SOMEONE
UP THERE WITH YOU?

NO.

IS IT HIM?

LOOK, BETH, I--

I'M LOCKED OUT

AND I'VE HAD THE WORST
NIGHT OF MY LIFE AND I--

LOOK, IF YOU HELP ME,
I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE,

OKAY? BOTH OF YOU.

I FEEL SORRY
FOR YOU, TOMMY.

I DO.

♪ LATELY

♪ I DON'T THINK OF YOU
AT ALL ♪

♪ OR WONDER
WHAT YOU'RE UP TO ♪

♪ OR HOW YOU'RE
GETTING ON ♪

♪ I NEVER THINK
OF CALLING YOU... ♪

Tommy: HAVE YOU EVER
YOU TRUSTED COMPLETELY,

JUST HAD YOUR LITTLE HEART
TORN OUT

AND SHOVED
DOWN YOUR THROAT?

TRUST ME,

IT'S NOT NEARLY AS FUN
AS IT SOUNDS.

[ song continues ]
♪ ...I DON'T NEED YOU

♪ ANYMORE

♪ LIVING ALONE,
LIVING ALONE... ♪

Tommy:
I HATE TO ADMIT IT,

BUT I WAS TOTALLY BLINDSIDED
BY THE WHOLE THING.

AND I DEAL WITH THE BEST
EVERY DAY.HE WORLD

I'VE SHORTED
ANOTHER $100,000.

THAT'S RIGHT.
EVERY SALE'S A GOOD ONE.

TAKE THAT SPRINT OFF
GO THROUGH THIS PHONE'M GONNA

AND BITE YOUR FUCKING EYES OFF.
OKAY, TALK TO YOU LATER.

...IS OFF 30%.
THE TOP LINE IS FLAT.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOU OWN THIS DODGY STOCK.

DON'T WORRY, DON'T WORRY.
YOU'RE IN GOOD HANDS.

HALF A MILLION JOHNNY-JOHN
TO TRAVEL. WHO'S IN?

THE GIRL IS
A-FUCKING-MAZING.

IS ANYBODY GONNA
ON THE CISCO, PLEASE?

MAKE SOME CALLS.

YEAH, JUST HOLD FOR ME.
HEY, YOU'RE DOWN FOR 50,000.

JEN WILL CALL YOU
WITH THE REPORT.

- DID YOU GET THAT 50,000?
- CALLING THEM NOW.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

MY WHOLE SYSTEM
JUST CRASHED AGAIN.

WHERE IS ICEMAN?

YOU SENT HIM OUT
FOR COFFEE.

HEY, SHAKES, AM I FILLING
THAT MICROSOFT YET OR--?

- I'M WORKING IT, MATE.
- WHERE THE FUCK IS MY LATTE?

PROBABLY STILL WITH ICEMAN.
MICROSOFT.E, IT'S FUCKING

- JUST PUT IT UP.
- OKAY.

BOBBY, STAY WITH ME.
HE'S WORKING IT.

WHAT IS THE POINT
COMPUTER NERDARMY GEEK

IF HE IS NEVER
FUCKING HERE?

A PRINCETON DIPLOMA

AND THREE YEARS
PUT TO GOOD USE.

THANK YOU, DANIEL.

THAT'S 63 CENTS CHANGE.

LISTEN, DANIEL,
MY COMPUTER HAS CRASHED AGAIN.

WOULD YOU MIND TAKING A LOOK
WHEN YOU GET THE CHANCE?

WELL, DID YOU
CHECK AND SEE

IF YOU JUST KICKED OUT
THE PLUG AGAIN?

IT WAS KIND OF ACTING UP
BEFORE THAT THOUGH.

THANKS, SOLDIER.

YOU KNOW,
WHEN I FIRST STARTED

HE USED TO SEND ME
TO McDONALD'S EVERY DAY--

A DOUBLE QUARTER-POUNDER
WITH CHEESE,
HOLD THE PICKLES.

DOESN'T REALLY BOTHER ME
THAT MUCH.

YOU WON'T BE HERE
IN A YEAR

IF YOU KEEP ON SERVING
COFFEE TO THAT PRICK.

WELL, I LIKE WORKING
WITH COMPUTERS,

BUT TO BE HONEST,
THE STUFF I'M DOING HERE--

I'D RATHER DO WHAT YOU DO
AT SOME POINT.

Beth:
"THIS IS THE SADDEST STORY
I HAVE EVER HEARD"--

THUS BEGINS
THE CLASSIC NOVEL
"THE GOOD SOLDIER"

AND ONE OF THE MOST
MEMORABLE FIRST LINES
IN MODERN FICTION.

[ snores ]

WOW, THAT SOUNDS ABOUT
AS FUN AS DATE RAPE.

NO KIDDING.
I VOTE FOR "LOLITA."

THEN IT'S SEX WITH MINORS
BY A LANDSLIDE.

CAN WE READ
"THE GOOD SOLDIER"
NEXT THOUGH?

CAN WE READ SOMETHING
WITH A HAPPY ENDING?

THIS IS NEW YORK CITY.
THE ONLY HAPPY ENDINGS
ARE IN CHINATOWN.

- NO OFFENSE.
- NONE TAKEN. I'M KOREAN.

ARE YOU REALLY?

NO. WHAT'S WRONG
WITH YOU PEOPLE?

- HAVE A GOOD NIGHT, TOMMY.
- YOU TOO, IRV.

- TAXI?
- DONNY, YES, PLEASE.

Tommy:
FOR ALL THE EXCITEMENT
AND GLAMOUR,

LIFE IN THE BIG CITY
DOES HAVE ITS DOWNSIDE.

I MEAN,
IF YOU THOUGHT

WALL STREET WAS
FULL OF BULLSHITTERS,

YOU SHOULD TRY
HAVING A RELATIONSHIP HERE.

AND MAYBE IT'S LIKE THIS
EVERYWHERE NOWADAYS,

BUT IT JUST FEELS LIKE
A WAR ZONE HERE SOMETIMES.

I KNOW EVERYONE HAS
SOME KIND OF A HISTORY.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'VE ALWAYS
BEEN A SAINT.

I GUESS I JUST HOPED
THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT
WITH BETH.

YOU'VE BEEN DATING
FOR TWO MONTHS AND YOU
STILL HAVEN'T HAD SEX?

YOU AND RICH WAITED
ABOUT TWO HOURS.

MAYBE YOUR FIRST TIME
WITH HIM COULD BE IN ITALY.

YOU NEVER KNOW.

- AW, THAT WOULD BE LOVELY.
- CHEESY.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO
IF RICH LEFT HIS WIFE?

WHERE DID THAT
COME FROM?

I HOPE I'M NOT
INTERRUPTING.

OH, HEY.

NO, WE WERE JUST TALKING
ABOUT SHOPPING.

- OH, I'M SURE YOU WERE.
- YEAH.

YOU KNOW JORDAN.
THIS IS LISA,
SUSAN AND JILL.

- HI, NICE TO MEET YOU.
- HI, NICE TO MEET YOU.

WOULD YOU GUYS LIKE
TO GRAB A DRINK WITH US--
MY TREAT?

OH, THANKS, BUT WE'RE MEETING
MY BOYFRIEND BILL AND
SOME OF HIS FRIENDS.

- FROM FACEBOOK.
- BYE.

- HE'S ADORABLE.
- HE'S HOT. IF YOU
DON'T DO HIM, I WILL.

- BYE, TOMMY.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
- HAVE FUN.

WHAT WAS SHE
WHISPERING TO YOU?

MAYBE I'LL TELL YOU
IN ITALY.

DO YOU THINK IT MEANS SOMETHING
THAT WE'RE BOTH LEFT-HANDED?

WE'D ONLY NEED
ONE PAIR OF SCISSORS

IF WE MOVED IN
TOGETHER.

ISN'T IT A LITTLE EARLY
TO BE TALKING

ABOUT SHARING SCISSORS?

DOES IT BOTHER YOU

THAT I'M NOT DOING

ANYTHING AMAZING
WITH MY LIFE?

THERE'S PLENTY OF TIME
FOR THAT.

YEAH, BUT I DON'T
WANT TO END UP LIKE
MY BOSS CASH--

YOU KNOW, ALMOST 50
AND NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT

BUT A BAD MARRIAGE
AND AN AWESOME SET
OF GOLF CLUBS.

YEAH.
MY BOSS IS 42

AND SHE'S NEVER BEEN
MARRIED OR ANYTHING.

I DON'T THINK SHE'S EVER
EVEN BEEN IN LOVE.

HAVE YOU?

I THOUGHT SO.

BUT I THINK THAT WHEN
SOMEBODY TURNS OUT TO BE

COMPLETELY DIFFERENT
THAN WHAT YOU THOUGHT,

IT DOESN'T REALLY COUNT.

WHAT HAPPENED
WITH YOUR LAST GIRLFRIEND?

CHRISTIE--

JUST WASN'T RIGHT.

[ phone ringing ]

YOU WANT TO GET THAT?

[ chuckles ]

YEAH, NO.

I THOUGHT
HE STOPPED CALLING.

HE DID.

HE STARTED AGAIN.

WE ALL HAVE A PAST, BETH.

IT'S HOW YOU DEAL
WITH IT.

I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE
WITH THE PEOPLE IN
THE BATTERY PARK DIG.

THEY UNCOVERED AN OLD WALL
THAT I THINK COULD BE

FROM THE ORIGINAL
DUTCH SETTLEMENT HERE.

OH MY GOD,
THAT'S AMAZING.

WELL, THEY'RE NOT
GONNA SEE IT THAT WAY
ONCE THEY REALIZE

IT'S GONNA SET THEIR
CONSTRUCTION BACK A FEW MONTHS
WHILE WE EXCAVATE.

OH, AND BETH,
THIS COULD BE SOMETHING

WORTH PRESENTING
IN FLORENCE.

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU
WANT ME TO DO, ROBERT?

- I'M HERE FOR YOU.
- Tommy: THIS GUY'S KILLING ME.

GOD, I LOVE
THE MUTE BUTTON.

THERE ARE FIVE OTHER CALLS
I CAN MAKE HERE, TOMMY.
YOU GOTTA RELEASE ME.

I UNDERSTAND THAT, BOBBY.
JUST GIVE ME ONE SECOND, OKAY?

HEY, SHAKES, THIS GUY'S
A REALLY GOOD CLIENT.

YOU CAN'T JUST
PUT THIS UP FOR ME?

I DON'T CARE
IF HE'S THE FUCKING POPE.

- HOW DO I KNOW HE'S
NOT GONNA FUCK ME OVER?
- I'M HANGING UP, TOMMY.

OKAY, ONE CALL.
THEN YOU CAN GO

AND LET EVERY OTHER
LOSER ON WALL STREET
FUCK THIS UP FOR YOU, OKAY?

FINE, BUT KEEP ME ON THE WIRE
AND DON'T FUCKING MUTE ME.

OKAY. BAKER, DIDN'T YOU
SAY YOU HAD A BIG SELLER
THE OTHER DAY?

YEAH, PACIFIC.
WE'RE STILL IN THE PENALTY
BOX WITH THEM.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
GIVE THEM TO ME.

PAGE FIVE.

[ clears throat ]

Man:
You know you guys
are still cut off, right?

HEY, THIS IS ACTUALLY
TOM FIELDING. I RUN
THE SALES DESK OVER HERE.

HOW ARE YOU DOING, TOM?
JOHN CALDWELL.

I WAS CALLING JUST TO ASK YOU
A YES-OR-NO QUESTION.
IS THAT ALL RIGHT?

Fine.

ARE YOU POTENTIALLY
INTERESTED

IN TRADING MICROSOFT TODAY?
YES OR NO.

POTENTIALLY,
BUT NOT WITH YOU, GUYS.

BOBBY, THIS IS
GONNA HAPPEN.

NOW, JUST F.Y.I.,
I HAVE A GUY

LOOKING FOR
A PRETTY GOOD CHUNK,
MAYBE HALF A MIL.

- Does that interest you?
- POTENTIALLY, SURE.

UNFORTUNATELY, JOHN,
I DON'T HAVE THE LUXURY
OF A LOT OF TIME HERE.

MY GUY'S REAL.
HE'S ON THE PHONE

for one call,
and that's you.

HALF A MIL ON THE WIRE,

last print.
In or out?

PUT IT UP.

GREAT, NOW THIS IS
JUST ME ASKING--

WOULD YOU BE ABLE
TO GO LARGER?

HEY, HALF A MIL,
TRYING TO GO BIGGER.

ARE YOU TRYING
TO FRONT-RUN ME?

No, you just gotta trust me
just a little bit,
okay, John?

- $2 MILLION.
- COULD GO TO $2 MILLION HERE.

NO, BOBBY, IT'S NOT
BILL GATES ON THE LINE.

He's a mutual fund guy
just like you.

WELL, HE'S GOT A LOT MORE HAIR
AND HE'S A LITTLE
BETTER-LOOKING.

FINE, MAKE IT READ TWO.

OKAY, IS $2 MILLION
YOUR TOTAL PICTURE?

WHY? IS HE TRYING
TO MOVE MORE?

COME ON, WHAT'S HE SAYING?
ARE WE DONE HERE? LET'S GO.

IS HE TRYING
TO MOVE MORE?

ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN,
I'M ON THE PHONE WITH
BOTH OF YOU RIGHT NOW.

I THINK THIS TICKET
READS $5 MILLION
AND WE ALL WALK AWAY.

- WOULD THAT BE ON A CLEANUP?
- I KNEW HE HAD MORE
BEHIND THAT.

YOU'RE A GENIUS.
SERIOUSLY, BOBBY, IS THIS
CLEANUP FOR YOU? NO BULLSHIT.

$5 MILLION--
I GO HOME AND FUCK
MY POLISH HOUSEKEEPER TWICE.

- IT'S A CLEANUP, JOHN.
- OKAY, FINE.

PUT IT UP.
BUT, OH, TOM?

YOU'LL STILL BE IN THE BOX
FOR A WEEK, THOUGH.

CROSSING $5 MILLION CLEAN.

SEE HOW FAR A LITTLE TRUST
CAN GET YOU?

[ kisses ]

Radio announcer:
Another record down day

on Wall Street today
with all major indices...

THE BARGELLO
AND ACCADEMIA ARE GREAT,
BUT SKIP THE UFFIZI.

WHAT ABOUT THOSE BOTICELLIS
AND MICHELANGELO'S ONLY
OIL PANTING?

THERE'S A REASON
HE STOPPED AFTER ONE.
IT'S JUST FOR TOURISTS.

I AM A TOURIST.

HI.

IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

WHY?
WHAT HAPPENED?

FUNDING CONSTRAINTS.
THE AGENCY CUT ALL
INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL.

SO WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS?

HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE TO BE

HEAD OF
URBAN CONSERVATION?

YOU'RE QUITTING?

NOT HERE--
IN SAN FRANCISCO.

[ phone ringing ]

HEY, WHERE WERE YOU?

I'M SORRY, I JUST CHANGED NOW.
I'M ON THE WAY.
ARE YOU STILL UP?

IT'S 10:00.
WHAT HAPPENED?

IF I HAVE TO LISTEN
TO ONE MORE HEDGE FUND
DOUCHEBAG

TALK TO ME ABOUT
PRIVATE JET TIMESHARES,

I SWEAR TO GOD
I'M GONNA SHOOT MYSELF
IN THE FACE.

Yeah, well, my trip
got canceled today.

Grab your stuff
and meet me downstairs.

- HUH?
- GRAB YOUR STUFF.

- WHERE ARE WE GOING?
- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

ALL RIGHT, STEP OUT.

AND ONE BIG STEP UP.

RIGHT THERE.
I'M GONNA TAKE THIS OFF
FOR YOU,

BUT YOU GOTTA KEEP
YOUR EYES CLOSED, OKAY?

ARE YOU SURE
WE'RE STILL IN THE CITY?

YEAH, JUST--
JUST--

[ chuckles ]
HERE WE GO.

EYES CLOSED.

I'M KEEPING AN EYE
ON YOU.

[ knocks ]

- NO PEEKING.
- I'M NOT.

- I SAW THAT.
- WHAT?

IF YOU PEEK AGAIN,
I'M GONNA TAKE YOU HOME.

- KEEP THEM CLOSED.
- OKAY.

ALMOST THERE.
ALL RIGHT, TURN THIS WAY.

NOW OPEN YOUR EYES.

OH MY GOD.
WHERE ARE WE?

IT'S AS CLOSE TO TUSCANY
AS I COULD GET IN MANHATTAN.

COME ON, COME ON.
THIS WAY.

IT GETS BETTER.

- COME ON.
- THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL.

HOW DID YOU FIND
THIS PLACE?

YOU KNOW, I GOTTA KEEP
SOME SURPRISES.

I'M SORRY YOUR TRIP
GOT CANCELED.

THANK YOU.

ONE MORE SURPRISE.

MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE?

YES.

♪ 'CAUSE I'VE BEEN
WALKING ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN THINKING

♪ I'VE BEEN LOOKING
AT YOU ♪

♪ SIDEWAYS...

WAIT.

I THINK I HAVE SOMETHING.

I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO BE
ONE OF THOSE GIRLS

WHO SLEEPS
WITH A LOT OF GUYS.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO SLEEP
WITH A LOT OF GUYS.

[ laughs ]

RIGHT.

I'LL DO IT.

THE OTHER WAY.

SORRY.

OKAY.

YEAH, FRANK, YOU ARE
ALL DONE FOR THE DAY.

NO, THANK YOU.

THAT IS 100,000 C.R.M.
TO WILLIAMS FOR THE DAY.

AND, SHAKESPEARE,
HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU
HOW HANDSOME YOU ARE?

SOMEBODY'S IN A GOOD
MOOD TODAY.

- TOM.
- YEAH?

DO YOU HAVE A SECOND?

SO WHAT'S UP?

I GOT AN OFFER
FROM ANOTHER FIRM--

ABOUT TWICE
WHAT I'M MAKING HERE.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY.

I MEAN, I'D HATE TO LOSE YOU,
BUT IF I GO TO CASH WITH THIS,

ESPECIALLY RIGHT NOW,
THE WAY THINGS ARE,

HE MIGHT AGREE
TO A LITTLE KISS,
BUT DOUBLE-- NO WAY.

I KNOW.
I FIGURED.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK,

YOU GOTTA DO
WHAT'S RIGHT FOR YOU.

ARE YOU THINKING
ABOUT TAKING IT?

YOU ALREADY DID.

WELL, MAN, WHAT CAN I SAY?
IT'S BEEN A GREAT RUN.

IT'S GONNA BE TOUGH
TO REPLACE YOU.

I LIKE THAT A LOT.

LISTEN, I GOTTA GO, OKAY?

NO, YOU HANG UP FIRST.

NO, YOU HANG UP.

A 21-YEAR-OLD
PHYSICAL THERAPIST.

$1000 A MONTH FOR A STUDIO
ON THE UPPER EAST SIDE--

- A HOME RUN.
- SOUNDS LIKE IT.

YOU GOTTA SEE HER.
SHE'S SO FUCKING HOT.

YOU SHOULD INVITE HER
TO YOUR PLACE FOR
THE MID-YEAR DINNER.

YEAH, SHE CAN SIT
RIGHT NEXT TO MY WIFE.
CAN YOU IMAGINE?

WHO ARE YOU BRINGING,
HOT SHOT?

IS THAT CHRISTIE GIRL
STILL IN THE PICTURE?

NO, BETH.
YOU MET HER
AT THE GOLF EVENT.

OH, YEAH.
THAT BRUNETTE WHO
WOULDN'T FUCK YOU.

LISTEN, CAN I JUST TALK
TO YOU OFF THE DESK
JUST FOR A SECOND?

SO SHE DID FUCK YOU.

HOW LONG WAS THAT?
WHAT, TWO MONTHS
OR SOMETHING?

- JESUS, THAT GIRL WAS
YOUR SEXUAL VIETNAM.
- I'M NOT SAYING A WORD.

AND SO YOU JUST
LET HIM WALK OUT?

HE WAS YOUR TOP GUY
FOR TWO YEARS.

HE ALREADY TOOK THE JOB.
I DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE
A SCENE.

WELL, THERE'S GONNA BE
A BIG FUCKING SCENE TOMORROW

WHEN 20 OF OUR BIGGEST ACCOUNTS
CALL AND NO ONE'S ANSWERING
THE FUCKING PHONE.

- WE'LL HIRE SOMEONE ELSE.
- THAT WILL TAKE WEEKS.

WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU
LET ME TALK TO HIM?

I COULD CONVINCE THAT
FUCKING COCKSUCKER TO STAY.

THEY GUARANTEED HIM
$2 MILLION A YEAR FOR
TWO YEARS, PLUS UPSIDE.

HOW MUCH ARE WE
PAYING HIM?

750 THIS YEAR,
A BUCK TOPS.

YEAH, OKAY,
WE WERE TOO LOW.

WELL, MR. HEAD OF SALES,
WHAT'S YOUR CONTINGENCY PLAN?

I'M SURE
YOU HAVE ONE.

I THINK DANIEL
CAN STEP UP.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR
FUCKING MIND?

THAT GUY COULDN'T SELL
A VAGINA ON A PIRATE SHIP.

HE'S SMART.
HE'S HONEST.

HE'S TOO FUCKING HONEST.
HE'S A FUCKING RETARDED
BOY SCOUT.

AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT
YOU SAID ABOUT SHAKESPEARE.

- THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID--
- TOMMY, TOMMY, TOMMY, TOMMY,

TOMMY, TOMMY, TOMMY.

WHY ARE GUYS LIKE US
GOOD AT OUR JOB?

BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE US.
WE TAKE THEM OUT.
THEY HAVE A GOOD TIME.

THEY MIGHT EVEN MEET
A REAL LIVE GIRL.

DANIEL IS A LOVELY FELLOW.
HE'S AS MUCH FUN
AS CHLAMYDIA.

I'M TELLING YOU
THIS WILL WORK.

LET ME REMIND YOU
OF THE VALUE WE PLACE

ON HUMAN CAPITAL HERE
AT MORGAN BROTHERS.

- YOUR FUTURE--
- I UNDERSTAND.

YOUR FUTURE DEPENDS
ON THE DEPTH AND THE QUALITY

OF THE TEAM
THAT YOU BUILD.

NOW IN LIGHT OF THAT,

I'LL ASK YOU ONCE--

IS DANIEL YOUR GUY?

YES.

GREAT.

Steve-O: I'M TELLING YOU,
THIS CHICK I'M BANGING
IN H.R. TOLD ME

HE WAS DISCHARGED EARLY
FROM THE AIR FORCE

AND THEY SEALED
HIS FILE.

- YES!
- HEY.

LOOK, ALL I'M SAYING IS
WE NEED SOMEONE TO FILL
BAKER'S SPOT IMMEDIATELY.

AND IF WE LET CASH
PICK ONE OF HIS GUYS,

WE'RE ALL GONNA BE
WATCHING OUR ASSES.

I'M JUST NOT BUYING
THIS NICE GUY ACT,
ALL RIGHT?

NOBODY JOINS THE MILITARY,
MUCH LESS WALL STREET,

WITHOUT HAVING, YOU KNOW,
SOME KIND OF A DARK SIDE.

YOU'RE RIGHT.
WALL STREET IS NO PLACE
FOR AN AMBITIOUS WHITE MALE.

OF QUESTIONABLE INTEGRITY.

WELL, I THINK
IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

YEAH, OF COURSE YOU DO,
STEPHENS.

FINALLY SOMEONE ON THE DESK
THAT GETS LESS ASS THAN YOU.

ALL RIGHT,
THAT SETTLES IT.

I'M LEAVING
MY WIFE OF 10 YEARS

AND I'M MOVING IN
ON STEVE-O'S COUCH.

WHO SAID YOU COULD
HAVE MY COUCH?

DID YOU SAY 10 YEARS?
WHAT, DID YOU GET MARRIED
WHEN YOU WERE, LIKE, 24?

YEAH, I MET HER
WHEN I WAS 22.
I GOT MARRIED AT 24.

- CHRIST, THAT MUST BITE.
- NO, IT'S JUST DIFFERENT.

I'M SURE I'LL BE THERE
SOON ENOUGH.

- SORRY I'M LATE.
- HEY.

WE'RE DOING THIS WHOLE
SYSTEM UPGRADE

AND WE CAN ONLY
RESET THE SERVERS
AFTER YOU GUYS LEAVE.

PLUS THE NEW
SOFTWARE ROLLOUT
IS JUST TAKING FOREVER.

RIGHT, DANIEL, YOU KNOW
CHRIS BAKER IS NO LONGER
WITH THE FIRM, RIGHT?

YEAH, I HEARD.

THAT SUCKS.

YEAH, IT DOES.

WELL, WE'VE BEEN TALKING
AND WE THOUGHT

THAT YOU'D BE THE RIGHT GUY
TO STEP INTO HIS SPOT,

STARTING IMMEDIATELY.

- WOW.
- YEAH, WOW.

HE'S GOT A LOT OF
BIG ACCOUNTS THOUGH.

DON'T WORRY.
WE'LL SPLIT THEM UP.

THIS IS A BIT OF A SINK-OR-SWIM
BUSINESS, MATE.

OPPORTUNITIES LIKE THIS--
THEY DON'T COME
KNOCKING OFTEN.

YEAH.

LOOK, WE'LL ALL BE THERE
TO HELP YOU OUT

TILL YOU GET YOUR LEGS
UNDER YOU.

- NOW YOU'RE GONNA BE
AN OLD PRO IN NO TIME.
- WE GOT YOU.

THANKS, TOMMY.
I'M NOT GONNA LET
YOU GUYS DOWN.

GOOD. SORRY, GUYS,
COULDN'T RESIST.

HERE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
DRINK IT.

NO, I FUCKING HATE
TEQUILA, TOMMY.
YOU KNOW THAT.

- THIS IS THE GOOD STUFF.
- HEY, DO YOU HAVE ANY LIMES?

IT DOESN'T EVEN TASTE
LIKE TEQUILA.

HERE'S TO DANIEL.
WELCOME ONBOARD.

THAT FUCKING TASTES
LIKE TEQUILA.

IT TASTES LIKE HONEY.

I'M JUST SAYING
THAT IF I WERE BLACK,

I'D JUST WANT
TO BE CALLED "BLACK."

- IT SOUNDS SO COOL.
- WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

"AFRICAN-AMERICAN" JUST
SOUNDS AWKWARD AND LAME.

- WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
- IT'S OKAY.

I'M ALLOWED TO TALK
ABOUT HOW I MIGHT FEEL.

I'M ALSO ETHNIC.
I MEAN, DO YOU REALLY PREFER

TO BE CALLED
"AFRICAN-AMERICAN"?

YOU MEAN, DESPITE THE FACT
THAT I'M NEITHER OF THOSE?

- RIGHT.
- RIGHT.

OKAY, SO IN ENGLAND
WHAT DO THEY CALL
A BLACK--?

"ENGLISH."

WHO ARE YOU BRINGING
TO CASH'S MID-YEAR DINNER?

- WHO AM I BRINGING?
- Steve-O: OH, I'M SURE
SHE'S HOT.

I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS
SUPPOSED TO BRING A DATE.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO.

OKAY, SATURDAY--
HOMEWORK.

TOMORROW-- YOU GUYS, ME.
I GOTTA GO.

HEY, ASK SOMEONE OUT.
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE
ANYTHING SPECIAL.

LADIES.
ANY CHANCE, LADIES?

SO WHERE ARE
WE GONNA GO NOW?

ANY CHANCE WHATSOEVER?

I DON'T KNOW, OKAY?
BUT IT'S TUESDAY.
I CAN'T STAY UP THAT LATE.

84th AND 5th, PLEASE.

[ phone ringing ]

HEY, HOW'S IT GOING
WITH THE NEW GUY?

IT'S FINE.
HE'S ONE OF THOSE
LOST SOULS

THAT KIND OF
DROPPED OFF THE GRID
FOR A LITTLE BIT

to find himself.

I'm not so sure
it worked.

WHY DO YOU WANT
TO HIRE HIM THEN?

NO, I MEAN, HE'S SMART.
HE'S A FUCKING
COMPUTER GENIUS.

MAYBE ALL THOSE STUPID
ARMY TRAINING COMMERCIALS
WERE TRUE.

HEY, SO ARE YOU
COMING OVER?

I WISH I COULD.
I JUST--

I GOTTA GET UP EARLY TOMORROW
AND COVER FOR CHRIS BAKER.

I'll call you tomorrow though,
I promise, okay?

- OKAY.
- Good night.

[ phone buzzing ]

PLEASE STOP
CHECKING ON ME.

HAVE YOU EVEN TALKED
TO ANYBODY YET?

I feel like
a total perv.

THE LAST GIRL I TALKED TO
WAS IN THE PRENATAL CARE
SECTION.

Hey, the bookstore
was your idea.

I KNOW.
IT'S JUST I NEVER WAS
GOOD AT THIS STUFF.

DANIEL,

YOU ARE
A GREAT GUY, OKAY?

Any woman in this city
would be lucky to talk
to a guy like you.

OH MY GOD,

I SEE THIS GIRL
THAT JUST GOT IN THE LINE.

THERE YOU GO.
NOW GO TALK TO HER.

I CAN'T.
WHAT DO I SAY?
I DON'T KNOW.

It'll come to you.
Just move

before someone else
gets in line
in front of you.

SORRY.

WHERE IN ITALY
ARE YOU GOING?

OH, I'M NOT.

I'M JUST
RETURNING THIS.

THAT'S TOO BAD.

IT'S AMAZING THERE.

YEAH, MY TRIP THERE
JUST GOT CANCELED,

SO THAT'S NOT REALLY
WHAT I NEED TO HEAR,

BUT YEAH.

DID I SAY AMAZING?
I MEANT AWFUL--

THOSE ITALIANS.

DOES THAT HELP AT ALL?

NOT REALLY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU SHOULD KEEP IT

AND PUT IT IN A PLACE
WHERE YOU'LL SEE IT
ALL THE TIME.

AND THAT WAY
YOU'LL ALWAYS BE REMINDED

ABOUT HOW MUCH
YOU WANT TO GO.

THAT MIGHT BE THE WORST
IDEA I'VE EVER HEARD.

YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW,
YOU'D END UP GOING.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY--
IF YOU FORGET YOUR DREAMS,

IT'S LIKE
THEY NEVER EXISTED.

WHO SAYS THAT?

I--

NOBODY.
I JUST MADE THAT UP.

BUT IT'S TRUE.

- NEXT.
- OH.

YOU GO AHEAD.

I THINK I MIGHT
KEEP IT, ACTUALLY.

THANKS.

Woman:
NEXT ON LINE, PLEASE.

[ muttering ]

SIR, CAN I HELP YOU?

OH, I DON'T HAVE A BOOK.

[ quiet piano music
playing ]

SO THE QUESTION IS

WHICH ONE OF THE THREE WOMEN
DID HE HIRE?

THE ONE WHO REDECORATED
THE OFFICE.

WRONG.

THE ONE WHO DOUBLED
THEIR SALES.

NOPE.
DANIEL?

THEN THE ONE
WHO LOVES CHILDREN?

NO.

THE ONE
WITH THE BIGGEST TITS.

OH, THAT MUST BE
HOW LARRY GOT THE JOB.

ONE LOOK AT THESE MAN BOOBS
AND I WAS IN, EH?

HEY, DANIEL,
YOU GOT ANY JOKES?

YEAH, LET'S HEAR
FROM THE NEW GUY.

OH, I CAN NEVER
REMEMBER ANY JOKES.

COME ON, YOU GOTTA KNOW
AT LEAST ONE.

YEAH, COME ON, DANIEL.

WELL, I GUESS
I CAN THINK OF ONE,

BUT IT'S SO STUPID.

COME ON, GO AHEAD.
TELL IT.

OKAY.

WHAT DO YOU CALL
A FISH WITH TWO KNEES?

I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT?

A TUNEE FISH.

LIKE TUNA, BUT--

YOU HAVE TO
THINK ABOUT IT.

- THAT'S A CLASSIC--
- IT'S ACTUALLY--

--THAT ONE, YEAH.
WHERE ARE WE GOING TONIGHT?

SHALL WE JUST HIT
THE USUAL PETTING ZOO?

NO, NO STRIP CLUBS TONIGHT.
LET'S MEET SOME CIVILIANS.

YEAH, HEY, DANIEL,

YOU KNOW ANY GIRLS
WHO'LL MEET US OUT?

YEAH, WHO YOU GOT
ON SPEED DIAL?

I DON'T KNOW A LOT OF WOMEN
I CAN JUST CALL UP LIKE THAT.

WELL, OKAY.
WHERE'S THE HOT SPOT
WEDNESDAY NIGHTS?

WEDNESDAY?

I DON'T REALLY GO OUT MUCH
ON WEDNESDAYS ANYMORE.

ANYMORE.
THIS GUY-- ANIMAL.

- A NUT?
- I'M OKAY, THANK YOU.

PICK UP THE PHONE,
SAY HELLO.

GO AHEAD, PICK IT UP.

- THERE'S NO ONE THERE.
- HUMOR ME.

- HELLO.
- GOOD.

HANG IT UP
AND DO IT AGAIN.

- HELLO.
- VERY NICE.

PRETTY EASY, HUH?
REALLY FUCKING EASY.

BUT I DON'T PAY MY SALESMEN
MILLIONS OF DOLLARS
TO ANSWER THE PHONE.

I PAY THEM
TO MAKE IT RING.

BILLY SIMMONS
CALLED TODAY.

HE DOESN'T WANT DANIEL
TO COVER THEM.

ANY IDEA WHY?

THEY'RE VERY DIFFERENT
PEOPLE.

YOU ARE--
SIT THE FUCK DOWN.

YOU ARE ONLY GOING TO
BAT FOR THAT GUY

BECAUSE YOU KNOW
THAT YOU WILL OWN HIM.

YOU CAN FOOL
EVERYBODY ELSE, TOMMY,

BUT YOU CAN'T FOOL ME.

HE'S THE TYPE OF GUY
I WANT ON MY TEAM.

HE'S HONEST, LOYAL.

LIKE CHRIS BAKER?

MAKE NO MISTAKE--
DANIEL WILL THROW YOU
UNDER A FUCKING BUS

THE FIRST DAY
HE GETS A CHANCE.

THIS IS NOT
SLEEPAWAY CAMP, TOMMY.

YOUR JOB IS
TO MAKE ME RICH, PERIOD.

NOW HOWEVER YOU'RE
GONNA GET THAT GUY
A FUCKING PERSONALITY,

YOU'D BETTER DO IT FAST
OR I'M GONNA FIRE
HIS RAIN-MAN ASS

AND GET SOMEBODY IN HERE
WHO DOES WANT TO TAKE
YOUR JOB.

YEAH YEAH, I'M SORRY.
I CRASHED LAST NIGHT.

CASH IS KILLING ME
ABOUT DANIEL.

REALLY?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?

He's like
Forrest fucking Gump

WITHOUT THE PEOPLE SKILLS.

I'M HEADING
TO SOHO RIGHT NOW
TO WORK ON HIM.

I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA
SPEND THE DAY
IN THE PARK.

BETH, PLEASE, I'M BEING PULLED
IN A TON OF DIFFERENT
DIRECTIONS RIGHT NOW.

FINE,

BUT I NEED TO BE
A PRIORITY TOO SOMETIMES.

I'LL CALL YOU LATER,
I PROMISE.

DOESN'T MATTER
WHAT YOU TALK ABOUT
AT FIRST.

JUST SHOW THE WOMAN
THAT YOU ARE PASSIONATE
ABOUT SOMETHING.

- LIKE WHAT?
- IT'S YOUR LIFE.
YOU TELL ME.

I DON'T KNOW.

- OKAY, YOU LIKE
TO READ, RIGHT?
- YEAH.

WHAT DO YOU LOVE
TO READ?

DICKENS,

TOLSTOY.
I LIKE AUSTEN--
JANE AUSTEN.

OKAY, CLASSICS MIGHT BE
A LITTLE BRAINY

TO START OUT WITH.
SO WHAT ELSE?
WHAT ELSE?

UH, I CAN GIVE YOU
THE FLIGHT SPECS

FOR EVERY DOMESTIC AIRCRAFT
SINCE 1950.

CLASSICS-- LET'S TALK
MORE ABOUT THOSE.

TALK ABOUT BOOKS
THAT SHE MIGHT LIKE.
BUT BE CAREFUL

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T
ACT, LOOK AND TALK
ALL LIKE THE SAME GUY.

YOU GOTTA MIX IT UP.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

JUST IF YOU'RE A SURFER,
BE A SURFER WHO LIKES TO READ.

IF YOU'RE A DORK, BE A DORK
WHO LIKES TO SALSA DANCE.

IF YOU ACT BORING
AND YOU LOOK BORING,

GUESS WHAT--
YOU'RE BORING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THIS SOUNDS RIDICULOUS.

IT'S TOTALLY
FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

I'M NOT TELLING YOU
THE WAY THINGS SHOULD BE.
I'M TELLING YOU HOW THEY ARE.

AND UNFORTUNATELY,
A WOMAN WITHIN THREE SECONDS
IS GONNA NOTICE

WHETHER OR NOT YOUR SHOES
MATCH YOUR PANTS

OR YOUR SHIRT'S BUTTONED UP
TOO HIGH OR IT'S TUCKED IN
WHEN IT SHOULDN'T BE

AND YOU GOT A CELL PHONE
ATTACHED TO YOUR WOVEN BELT.

THIS IS--
WHEN YOU WERE OVERSEAS,

DIDN'T YOU FIND ANY
REALLY COOL CLOTHES?

YOU WANT ME TO WEAR
A SARONG TO WORK?

LOOK, I CAN'T STAND GUYS
THAT TRY TO MAKE A STATEMENT

WITH WHAT THEY WEAR.
IT'S NOT ME.

DANIEL, I'M NOT TRYING
TO TURN YOU INTO

SOME BIG CITY MAN COUGAR PRICK
LIKE CASH

OR ANY OF THOSE GUYS.
ALL I'M SAYING IS,
UNFORTUNATELY,

WHAT YOU WEAR DOES
MAKE A STATEMENT TO WOMEN.

AND YOUR STATEMENT
RIGHT NOW IS

"HI, WELCOME
TO BLOCKBUSTER."

WE'RE GOING IN HERE.

UGH.

CAN YOU HELP
THIS GUY OUT?

WHAT DID YOU
HAVE IN MIND

FOR LITTLE
TOMMY HILFIGER HERE?

JUST SOMETHING HE CAN WEAR
OUT IN PUBLIC.

I'M RIGHT HERE, GUYS.

I CAN HEAR
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

MAYBE SOMETHING
CASUAL SEXY.

SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

HOW SEXY?

MEDIUM.

OR SMALL SEXY.

TOMMY, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO
PAY FOR THIS.

IT'S WORTH IT.

- HEY, I FORGOT MY CLOTHES.
- YEAH, LEAVE THEM.

- NO, BUT THOSE ARE
BANANA REPUBLIC.
- EXACTLY.

OW!

OW!

YOU STILL HAVEN'T TOLD TOMMY
ABOUT SAN FRANCISCO?

OW! FUCK.

I KEEP PUTTING IT OFF.
OW.

IT WOULD JUST PUT
SO MUCH PRESSURE ON THINGS.

YEAH, BUT YOU'RE
RUNNING OUT OF TIME.

OW.

GOD, I HOPE
MY FUCKING VIBRATOR
APPRECIATES THIS.

HEY, ISN'T LISA
SUPPOSED TO BE HERE?

I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE SHE DIDN'T WANT
TO HAVE HER VAGINA TORN OFF.

- Hello.
- HEY, WHERE ARE YOU?

I'M HOME.
CAN YOU GUYS COME OVER?

YEAH.
WHAT'S WRONG?

OH, BITCH FUCKER!

BILL LEFT HIS
EMAIL ACCOUNT OPEN
ON HIS COMPUTER.

WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

DON'T GO EARLY.
DON'T GO EARLY.

DON'T GO EARLY.

[ buzzes ]

SON OF A BITCH!

STEVE-O, YOU'RE AT 10.

I NEED YOU DOWN
AT A SHUT-THE-FUCK-UP.

- JUST FUCK RIGHT OFF, OKAY?
- COME ON, LET'S GO AGAIN.

DOES IT HURT THAT BAD?

THERE YOU GO.
A SHOT, REFILL.

ALL RIGHT,
NOW EVERYBODY LISTEN.

- DANIEL.
- YES?

WHAT HAVE YOU
LEARNED TODAY?

TO SHOW YOUR CUSTOMERS

THAT THEY WANT SOMETHING
THAT YOU HAVE.

NO SALES PITCH, RIGHT?
PEOPLE SEE THAT SHIT COMING
A MILE AWAY.

[ buzzes ]

FUCK ME!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE?

I DON'T KNOW.

- HOW DO YOU DO IT?
- HOW DO I DO IT?

I NEVER KISS
SOMEONE'S ASS.

YOU'RE BETTER OFF
JUST FUCKING WITH THEM
AND IT'S A LOT MORE FUN.

OKAY, SO FIRST THING
MONDAY MORNING

I'M GONNA CALL
ALL MY ACCOUNTS AND SAY,

"HEY, YOU BAD FUCKS,
YOU WANT TO BUY SOME STOCK?"

WAS THAT A JOKE?

- IT WAS BAD, I'M SORRY.
- YOU'RE NOT EVEN LISTENING.

- I NEED YOU TO FOCUS, OKAY?
- I'M SORRY.

- ALL RIGHT, AND STOP
APOLOGIZING SO MUCH.
- I'M SORRY. SHIT.

LOOK, THE REASON
THESE RULES ARE IMPORTANT
IS BECAUSE

THESE ARE THE SAME RULES
THAT APPLY TO MEETING WOMEN,

WHICH IS EVEN MORE IMPORTANT
FOR YOU TO LEARN.

WAIT, WOMEN DON'T ACTUALLY
LIKE BEING INSULTED.

THAT'S MISOGYNIST
BULLSHIT.

NO, WHAT WOMEN HATE
IS GETTING LIED TO

BY GUYS WHO ARE JUST
TRYING TO SLEEP WITH THEM.

WHAT IF I'M NOT JUST
TRYING TO SLEEP WITH THEM?

THEN YOU'RE GAY.

FUCK!

GOD, THAT ACTUALLY
HURTS A LOT.

I HAD TO GET HIM
DISTRACTED.

WHO'S THE ICEMAN?

NOT LEARNING
ANYTHING EVER.

THAT'S A HORRIBLE GAME.

I THINK MY SPERM COUNT
IS OFFICIALLY LOWER.

LET'S DO IT AGAIN.

ALL I'M SAYING IS
THAT OBVIOUSLY

SOMETHING WAS REALLY WRONG
IF YOU WERE ALREADY
THAT SUSPICIOUS.

BUT THAT DOESN'T
GIVE ME THE RIGHT TO GO
SNOOPING AROUND LIKE THAT.

OH, WILL YOU
LISTEN TO YOURSELF?
YOUR BOYFRIEND CHEATS ON YOU

AND YOU'RE MAD AT YOURSELF
FOR CATCHING HIM.

PEOPLE DO MAKE MISTAKES,
JORDAN.

LOCKING YOUR KEYS IN YOUR CAR
WITH THE ENGINE RUNNING
IS A MISTAKE.

REPEATEDLY FUCKING
YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND
IS NOT A MISTAKE.

- JORDAN, COME ON.
- HE SAID IT WAS
ONLY THE ONE TIME.

THAT IS SUCH BULLSHIT.

INFIDELITIES ARE
LIKE COCKROACHES.

FOR EVERY ONE YOU CATCH
THERE ARE 100 YOU DON'T.

HEY, YOU'RE NOT HELPING
HER RIGHT NOW.

CAN YOU JUST BE SUPPORTIVE
AND NOT TURN THIS INTO

SOME STUPID MALE-BASHING
SESSION?

WHERE'S TOMMY TONIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHAT
YOUR PROBLEM IS?

YOU WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
IF A GREAT GUY JUST
THREW HIMSELF AT YOU.

AT LEAST I'M GIVING MYSELF
A CHANCE TO BE HAPPY.

MAYBE USE YOUR
SENSITIVE SIDE,
SHOW THAT OFF.

YES, USE THE FACT
THAT YOU ARE A COMPLETE PUSSY
TO YOUR ADVANTAGE.

COMING FROM THE GUY
THAT BROUGHT THE PIÑATA
AND THE BLINDFOLD.

OKAY, HIT THE THING.

WHOO!

- WHAT'S PINK?
- XANAX, MAN.

YOU CAN TAKE WHATEVER YOU WANT
AND YOU'LL SLEEP LIKE A ROCK.

- YELLOW?
- YELLOW IS ECSTASY.

I LEFT MY GLOW STICKS
BACK IN 1997.

WHAT'S BLUE?

BLUE'S VIAGRA.
IT'S PERFECT FOR YOU.

I'M GOOD, THANKS.

NO, MY FRIEND.
POWER UP, OKAY?

THE LADIES EXPECT IT
THESE DAYS.

NEVER TAKE A KNIFE
TO A GUNFIGHT, MATE.

A GUNFIGHT?
THAT'S A NICE METAPHOR.

DON'T LISTEN
TO THESE GUYS.

ARE YOU READY TO BE
RELEASED INTO THE WILD?

[ crowd cheering ]

Woman:
HEY, GUYS.

WE GOT EVERYBODY.

NO NO NO, HONEY.
WE DON'T NEED THESE.

SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

YOU THINK SO?
YOU SHOULD TELL HER.

DO YOU HAVE WATER?

I'M SURE SHE GETS HIT ON
ALL THE TIME THOUGH.

YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
SHE PROBABLY DOES GET
HIT ON ALL THE TIME

BY GUYS WHO DON'T
ACTUALLY CARE IF SHE'S A GEMINI
OR WHAT HER CAT'S NAME IS,

BUT I'M NOT ASKING YOU
TO GO OVER THERE AND
FEED HER A LINE.

I JUST WANT YOU
TO GO TALK TO HER.

YOU KEEP TELLING ME WHAT
I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO DO.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY.

I'M IN THE LOW SELF-ESTEEM
BUSINESS.

IF THE GIRL'S PARENTS
ARE STILL TOGETHER,
I JUST MOVE ON.

DOESN'T REALLY MATTER
WHAT I SAY TO WOMEN.
I HAVE AN ENGLISH ACCENT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
ALL RIGHT,

TWO GIRLS,
END OF THE BAR.

GO TALK TO THEM.

OKAY.

- WHAT, RIGHT NOW?
- YEAH, RIGHT NOW.

WHICH ONE
DO YOU LIKE BETTER?

I DON'T KNOW.

THE BLONDE, I GUESS.

- ROOKIE.
- TOTALLY.

NO QUESTIONS.
NO QUESTIONS, JUST GO.

GO.

WAIT, COME BACK,
COME BACK.

- WHAT?
- THAT RIGHT THERE.
WHAT IS THAT?

I TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT.
OKAY, NOW GO.

YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE
ANY OF THAT SHIT
YOU JUST SAID?

- SOME OF IT.
- YOU THINK HE'S GONNA
PULL IT OFF?

NOT A FUCKING PRAYER.

EXCUSE ME.

PASS ME A NAPKIN, PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

[ imitates an explosion ]

- I FEEL STUPID.
- YOU LOOK STUPID.

OKAY, SO LET ME GET
THIS STRAIGHT, DANIEL--

YOU CAN FLY A JET
AT MACH 3 SPEEDS

FOR LIKE 72 HOURS
WITH A PLASTIC TUBE
UP YOUR COCK,

BUT YOU CAN'T GO TALK
TO TWO DENTAL HYGIENISTS

FOR 10 SECONDS--
10 SECONDS?

ACTUALLY, I WAS
AN AVIONICS ENGINEER.
WE NEVER HAD PLASTIC--

NO, NO EXCUSES.
YOU GOTTA BE ABLE
TO DO THIS.

YOU HAVE TO.

- WHAT ABOUT
THAT ONE OVER THERE?
- OH, TOTALLY GROSS.

WHAT ABOUT THE BLONDE
OVER THERE?

I WANT TO TOUCH HER
WHERE SHE PEES.

THAT IS A GOOD-LOOKING
WHITE GIRL.

RING.
RING.

OH, FUCK, YOU'RE RIGHT.

HOW ABOUT THAT ONE?
THAT'S A HANDSOME WOMAN.

LOOK AT HER ARSE.
SHE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE A TAIL.
AND SHE'S UGLY.

YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE
MIGHT SAY THE WAY YOU GUYS
TALK ABOUT WOMEN IS UGLY.

YEAH, BUT WE'RE ONLY UGLY
ON THE INSIDE, SO IT'S OKAY.

OH, THAT IS
A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

SHE TOTALLY WANTS TO HAVE
A SEXY PARTY WITH ME.

SHE DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE
A SEXY PARTY WITH YOU.

SHE WANTS TO HAVE
A SEXY PARTY WITH ME.

STEVE-O, FINE.
GO AHEAD, TALK TO HER.

BUT NONE OF THAT
SHOCK-AND-AWE BULLSHIT
YOU USUALLY PULL.

I'M GONNA ASK YOU TO SHOW
DANNY HOW TO DO THIS, OKAY?

- YOU DON'T HAVE--
- I DON'T DO THAT SHIT
ANYMORE, OKAY?

OKAY, NONE OF THAT
SCORCHED-DIRT BULLSHIT.
I'M SERIOUS.

WELL, HELLO THERE, RODEO.
WHO'S UP FOR A JAGER BOMB?

I DON'T THINK
SHE'S HAVING IT, MATE.

A GREY GOOSE WITH SODA.
YEAH, JUST ONE.

HOW ABOUT YOU GO
TALK TO HER?

I DON'T THINK CINDY BRADY
IS COMING OVER

TO THE DARK SIDE TONIGHT.
I'M GONNA GO TAKE A HOT LAP.

THANKS FOR THE HELP,
SHAKES.

WELL, YOUR TURN.

- NO.
- YOUR TURN.

NO.

OKAY, FINE.
OKAY, BUT REMEMBER,

THIS IS NOT ABOUT
SEXY PARTIES OR--

WHATEVER.
JUST GO TALK TO HER.

I'M GONNA GET
A FRONT-ROW SEAT, OKAY?

I'M STEVEN,
BY THE WAY.

I'M BROOKE.

GREAT. YOU LOOKED REALLY
PROFESSIONAL UP THERE,

BY WHICH I MEAN, LIKE, HOT,
LIKE REALLY HOT.

ANOTHER NAPKIN.

- WHERE'S THE BARTENDER?
- I HOPE I'M NOT INTERRUPTING.

- YEAH, YOU ACTUALLY--
- NO, NOT AT ALL. HI.

- HI.
- HI.

TOMMY.

- YEAH, THIS IS BLAKE--
- I'M BROOKE.

- BLAKE?
- BROOKE.

- TOMMY.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.

SO HOW DO YOU TWO
KNOW EACH OTHER?

- OH, WE--
- WORK.

YOU WRITE
CHILDREN'S BOOKS TOO?

YEAH, HE DOES

INSTRUCTIONAL GUIDES
FOR SWING SEX.

UH...

- WELL...
- DUDE, THAT'S MY--

OBVIOUSLY I'M NOT GONNA
HAVE SEX WITH THIS GIRL
TONIGHT,

SO WHY DON'T YOU
GIVE IT A SHOT?

I'M SO SORRY
ABOUT THAT.

WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

- YEAH, I--
- WHAT, YOU GUYS WORK
ON WALL STREET?

YEAH, WE DO, BUT NOT
ALL OF US ARE LIKE--

YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET'S START OVER.

I'M TOMMY

AND I OWE YOU A DRINK.

I'M BROOKE.

PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

PERSONALLY I THINK
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH BULIMIA AT ALL.

IF ANYTHING, IT SHOWS
YOUR WILLINGNESS

TO REEVALUATE
YOUR DECISIONS

AND BE PROACTIVE
ABOUT MAKING CHANGES.

YOU DON'T SOUND BLACK
AT ALL.

ARE YOU FROM EUROPE?

Man:
HERE GOES JONATHAN
TO BREAK SOME RECORDS!

YEAH!

Man:
HERE HE GOES!

OH, MAN,
THAT'S GOTTA HURT.

Lisa: I DON'T LOOK INNOCENT.
IT LOOKS LIKE A HEROIN
ADDICT.

- [ phone ringing ]
- GIVE ME.

HERE.

WHAT IF HE
REALLY IS SORRY?

EVERYONE IS SORRY
ONCE THEY'RE CAUGHT.
IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

IT'S TRUE.
RICH SAID HE WOULD
LEAVE HIS WIFE

AFTER I FOUND OUT
HE WAS MARRIED.

ALL'S FAIR
IN LOVE AND WAR.

YOU'RE RETARDED.
THAT'S JUST A BULLSHIT
EXCUSE

PEOPLE USE TO SCREW
WHOEVER THEY WANT.

THEY NEED
GUANTANAMO BAY
FOR RELATIONSHIPS.

I'D WATERBOARD THE FUCK
OUT MY EX IN LOVE GITMO.

GOOD FOR YOU.
THIS IS FOR WORK.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
TOMMY JUST HIRED A NEW GUY
ON HIS DESK.

REALLY?
IS HE CUTE?

HE DIDN'T SAY,

WHICH ACTUALLY PROBABLY
MEANS HE'S CUTE.

I'LL FIND A WAY
TO BRING HIM AROUND.

PUT THIS ON.

DO I REALLY HAVE TO
GO OUT WITH YOU GUYS?

Both:
YES.

WHOSE BACHELORETTE PARTY
IS THIS ANYWAY?

LOOK, I JUST FELT

THAT IF WE HAD MET UNDER
DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES

JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO,

THAT THIS COULD HAVE BEEN

SOMETHING, LIKE,
REALLY AMAZING.

I MEAN--

I KNOW.
IT'S CRAZY,

- ISN'T IT?
- YEAH.

OH...

CAN YOU GET MY BAG?
THANK YOU.

I LOVE YOU GUYS.

I LOVE YOU.

- I'M SORRY.
- THANK YOU.

THAT COULD HAVE BEEN
BAD NEWS BEARS.

Tommy:
HERE'S WHERE THINGS STARTED
TO GET COMPLICATED.

BROOKE LOST HER PURSE
THAT NIGHT AT THE BAR,

HER PHONE, HER KEYS--
EVERYTHING.

SHE ASKED IF SHE COULD
CRASH ON MY COUCH

AND CALL A LOCKSMITH
IN THE MORNING.

I KNOW I REALLY COULD HAVE
JUST PUT MY FOOT DOWN,

BUT I DIDN'T.

I'M GONNA GET GOING.

OKAY.

THANKS.

NO SWEAT.

Tommy:
I'VE ALWAYS BELIEVED
THAT TRUST

IS THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT
THING IN A RELATIONSHIP.

BUT GIVEN THAT
NOTHING HAPPENED,

I DECIDED
NOT TO TELL BETH.

[ people chattering ]

HEY, HOT SHOT.

CASH, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

HELLO, BETH.
MY, YOU'RE MORE LOVELY
THAN I REMEMBER.

OH, YOU'RE SWEET-TALKING.

LOOK AT THAT.
THAT NECKLACE IS GORGEOUS.

- LOOK AT THAT THING.
- IT WAS A GIFT, ACTUALLY.

WAS IT?
YOU PICKED THAT OUT?

- YES, I DID.
- I'M SHOCKED.

OH, YOU HAVEN'T MET
BETH YET, HAVE YOU?

NOT OFFICIALLY.

Cash:
I'M SURPRISED
AT YOUR TASTE.

- SHE'S REALLY NICE.
- YEAH.

I'M SURE.

Steve-O:
OKAY, WHO TAKES A BUS
TO WORK EVERY DAY?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, MAN?
STEPHENS'S WIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.

ALL I'M SAYING IS
HE PASSED UP 20 GOOD
YEARS OF MAN-WHORING.

HE COULD HAVE PUT UP
WILT CHAMBERLAIN NUMBERS
AND THEN RETIRED.

YEAH, HE LOOKS MISERABLE.

ANYONE NEED A DRINK?

- SO YOU CAME HERE
WITH TOMMY?
- YEAH.

SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU GUYS
BEEN DATING?

IT'S BEEN
THREE MONTHS NOW.

THAT LONG?
OH, I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT.

TIME FLIES.

DIET COKE, PLEASE.

WILL YOU EXCUSE ME
FOR A SECOND?

SURE.

THANK YOU.

HITTING THE HARD STUFF, HUH?

YEAH.

SAVING THE TABLE DANCING

FOR THE HOLIDAY PARTY.

YOU MUST BE DANIEL.
THAT'S SO FUNNY.

I'M BETH--
TOMMY'S GIRLFRIEND.

I FIGURED.

WELL, IT'S NICE
TO MEET YOU.

YOU TOO.

AGAIN.

AGAIN.

YOU LOOK DIFFERENT.

OH.

SO HOW DID YOU AND TOMMY
MEET AGAIN?

I WAS OUT ONE NIGHT
WITH MY FRIEND JORDAN

AND HE WAS OBVIOUSLY
ON A DATE.

- OH, THAT'S TROUBLE.
- YEAH.

WELL, HE LEFT, BUT HE CAME
BACK IN THE RESTAURANT

AND TOLD ME THAT HE WANTED
TO BE TALKING TO ME.

AND EVER SINCE THEN...

TOMMY-- HE'S A GREAT GUY.

YEAH, HE'S GREAT.

TOMMY SAYS
YOU'RE A BIG READER.

WHAT'S YOUR
FAVORITE BOOK?

WELL, HAVE YOU EVER READ
"PRIDE AND PREJUDICE"?

REALLY?

SEE?
YOU'RE LAUGHING.

NO, IT'S JUST WHY DO GUYS
ALWAYS PICK THAT BOOK?

IS IT IN A MANUAL SOMEWHERE
ON HOW TO SPEAK TO WOMEN?

NO, I LIKE IT
BECAUSE IT SHOWS

HOW WRONG FIRST IMPRESSIONS
CAN BE, YOU KNOW?

AND ALSO, THE MAIN CHARACTER,
ELIZABETH BENNET--

IT SOUNDS STUPID,
BUT SHE'S LIKE
MY IDEAL WOMAN.

HAVE YOU EVER
READ "LOLITA"?

"LOLITA, MY SIN,
MY SOUL,

STANDING 4'10"
ON ONE SIDE"?

HEY, YOU SHOULD COME
TO MY BOOK CLUB
ON TUESDAY NIGHT.

I THINK IT WOULD BE REALLY GREAT
TO HAVE A GUY FOR THIS ONE.

WHAT ABOUT TOMMY?

OH, TOMMY WOULD
NEVER COME.

PLUS, THERE'S KIND OF
A NO-BOYFRIEND RULE.

YEAH, SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO
POLITELY DECLINE THOUGH.

OH, COME ON--
JUST YOU

AND FIVE CUTE GIRLS
AND A LOT OF WINE.
HEY.

I SEE YOU SAVED ME
THE TROUBLE OF
INTRODUCTIONS.

YEAH, GOOD TIMING.
YOU HAVE TO CONVINCE DANIEL
TO COME TO MY BOOK CLUB.

THE BOOK CLUB?
THAT SOUNDS LIKE
A GREAT IDEA.

REALLY?
WHY?

FIRST OF ALL,
YOU'LL BE TALKING
TO ACTUAL WOMEN,

EVEN IF IT IS
ABOUT BOOKS.

COME ON, I'M SURE
HE DOES JUST FINE WITH
THE LADIES. DON'T YOU?

NOT REALLY, NO.

SECONDLY, IT WOULD GIVE ME
ENDLESS OPPORTUNITIES
TO FUCK WITH YOU.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T THINK
IT'S A REALLY GOOD IDEA.

GOOD MORNING, SOLDIER.

GOOD MORNING.

WHAT ARE YOU READING?

OH, JUST A BOOK.

WHAT BOOK?

NOTHING.

WHAT BOOK?
WHAT IS THE TI--?

"PRIDE AND PREJUDICE."
PUT THAT AWAY. JESUS.

WHAT, ARE YOU CARPOOLING
WITH OPRAH?

I MET A WOMAN.

SHE REMINDS ME
OF THE CHARACTER
IN THE BOOK.

YOU'RE DOING REALLY LOVELY
WITH THOSE LANGUAGE TAPES, YAN.

SO WHEN YOU SAY "CUTE,"
DO YOU MEAN LIKE

A LITTLE KID WITH GUM
IN HIS HAIR CUTE

- OR BRAD PITT CUTE?
- SOMEWHERE INBETWEEN.

SEE, I DON'T WANT THIS
TURNING INTO SOME LAME
EPISODE OF "THE BACHELOR."

HEY, I THOUGHT WOMEN
WERE SUPPOSED TO LOVE
MEN IN UNIFORM.

YEAH, GOVERNMENT SALARIES
AND POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS
REALLY DO IT TO ME NASTY.

YEAH, AND WE'VE MET
TOMMY'S WORK FRIENDS.

NO, BUT HE'S NOTHING
LIKE THOSE GUYS.

IF ANYTHING,
HE'S TOO OLD-FASHIONED.

WHAT, HE STILL PREFERS
VAGINAL SEX?

OOH, OLD SCHOOL, YEAH.

[ doorbell rings ]

- YOU SAID
YOU INVITED HIM LATER.
- I DID.

- OH, I NEED MY--
- OKAY, COME ON, GIRL.

JUST THINK ABOUT THIS
AS A TRYOUT.

YOU GUYS
ARE PATHETIC.

- YOU LOOK CUTE.
YOU'RE ADORABLE.
- THANK YOU.

- HELLO.
- It's Daniel.

HE'S POLITE AND EARLY.
YEAH, HE'S GAY.

HE'S NOT GAY.
HE WAS IN THE MILITARY.

- GAY.
- YEAH, DON'T ASK,
DON'T TELL.

- HI.
- HEY, COME ON IN.

OH, I GOT YOU THIS.

OH, THANK YOU.

- IT'S WINE.
- YEAH.

SO YOU HAVE TO
MEET EVERYBODY.

DANIEL, THIS IS LISA,
JORDAN, SUSAN AND JILL.

- HI, EVERYONE.
- Women: HI.

SORRY I'M SO EARLY.

NO NO, WE WERE JUST
HAVING SOME GIRL TALK.

JUST SAT DOWN.

I CAN JUST COME BACK
IF YOU GUYS--

NO, PLEASE, SIT.
COME ON.

[ both chuckle ]

AND APPARENTLY
THEY'VE NEVER SEEN
A MAN BEFORE,

EVER.

Jordan:
I KNOW IT'S A CLASSIC,

BUT I CAN'T GET PAST
THIS OLD EUROTRASH PERVERT

SCREWING A 12-YEAR-OLD
FROM NEW HAMPSHIRE.
IT'S DISGUSTING.

AND THE WAY HE BRIBES HER
FOR SEX WITH CANDY AND
POCKET CHANGE-- UGH.

DANIEL, YOU'VE BEEN
AWFULLY QUIET.

HAVE WE SCARED YOU
OUT OF TALKING?

WELL, I CAN'T DISAGREE
WITH WHAT'S BEEN SAID
SO FAR.

OBVIOUSLY YEAH, THE GUY
IS REALLY TROUBLED

- AND HE'S--
- A PERVERT, A PEDOPHILE.

LET HIM FINISH.

YES, BUT I BELIEVE

THAT HE WAS
HOPELESSLY IN LOVE.

IT DOESN'T MAKE IT OKAY,
BUT HE'S NOT JUST A PERVERT.

- YEAH, HE'S A MURDERER TOO.
- OKAY, RIGHT.

YEARS LATER HE KILLS THE MAN
THAT STOLE HIS LOLITA,

BUT HE LOVED HER
MORE THAN ANYTHING,

EVEN HIS OWN LIFE.

I THINK
THAT'S WHAT LOVE IS.

ANYTHING ELSE
IS JUST A DISTRACTION.

SHOULD WE CHOOSE
ANOTHER BOOK FOR NEXT TIME?

YEAH. WILL YOU BE ABLE
TO JOIN US NEXT TIME?

UH, OKAY.

BUT I KIND OF
GOT THE FEELING

TONIGHT WAS SORT OF
A TRYOUT.

- Women: OH, NO.
- NO, YOU PASSED.

YEAH, SURE.
YOU GUYS CAN BE

LIKE THE SISTERS
I NEVER WANTED.

- THANKS. LOVELY.
- NICE.

ALL RIGHT, WELL,
THEN IS EVERYBODY OKAY
WITH "THE GOOD SOLDIER"?

Susan:
I DON'T REALLY WANT
TO READ A WAR NOVEL.

NO, BUT IT'S A LOVE STORY,
ISN'T IT?

WELL, HERE.

"THIS HEART-BREAKING NOVEL
OF INFIDELITY AND BETRAYAL

TELLS A STORY
OF AN EX-SOLDIER

AND SEEMINGLY
PERFECT GENTLEMAN.

"HE WAS JUST THE SORT OF MAN
YOU COULD TRUST YOUR
WIFE WITH,"

SAYS THE TRAGIC
NARRATOR OF THE STORY.

THERE YOU GO.

THANKS.

YOU'RE A TOTAL
NEAT FREAK, AREN'T YOU?

ACTUALLY, MY APARTMENT'S
A MESS--

THERAPY FOR ALL THOSE YEARS
OF ME SPIT-SHINING MY SHOES.

I CANNOT PICTURE YOU
IN THE MILITARY.

- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
- I DON'T KNOW.

YOU JUST DON'T SEEM

VERY AGGRESSIVE.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I WAS
AN AVIONICS ENGINEER.

- WERE YOU?
- YEAH.

I'M SUPER AGGRESSIVE.

NO, MY DAD--
HE WAS IN THE AIR FORCE

AND THE ONLY WAY
I COULD AFFORD PRINCETON
WAS R.O.T.C.

YOU GET UP EVERY MORNING
AT 6:00 A.M.,

DO SOME PUSH-UPS--
THEY PAY FOR SCHOOL.

BUT YOU DIDN'T FINISH
YOUR SERVICE, RIGHT?

TOMMY SAID
YOU DROPPED OUT.

I DIDN'T MEAN IT
LIKE THAT.

NO, IT'S OKAY.

YOU HAVE TO SERVE
FOUR YEARS AFTER COLLEGE

IN ORDER TO GET
YOUR LOANS PAID OFF.

AND MY COMMANDING OFFICER
SERVED WITH MY DAD.

AND AFTER THREE YEARS
I HAD SOME--

I JUST HAD SOME STUFF
THAT HAPPENED.

AND HE AGREED TO GET ME
DISCHARGED A YEAR EARLY.

THAT'S GOOD,
I THINK.

NO NO, IT WAS
AT THE TIME,

BUT NOW I'VE GOT
100 GRAND IN STUDENT LOANS
TO PAY OFF.

OH MY GOD.

A LOT OF PUSH-UPS
FOR NOTHING.

WELL, I WOULDN'T SAY
NOTHING.

[ doorbell rings ]

THAT WOULD BE TOMMY.

HEY, COME ON UP.

I GUESS I SHOULD
GET GOING, HUH?

OKAY, WELL, I'M SO GLAD
YOU COULD MAKE IT.

AND THANK YOU
FOR OFFERING TO CLEAN UP.

- THAT WAS NICE.
- YEAH.

HI, GUYS.
HOW WAS BOOK CLUB?

IT WAS GOOD.

ARE YOU EVER ACTUALLY
GONNA WANT TO LEAVE
THIS CITY?

SOMEDAY, YEAH.

COME ON, BABY, SLEEP.

MY AUNT AND UNCLE
USED TO BE THESE
BIG-SHOT LAWYERS...

MM-HMM.

...WORKING 100-HOUR WEEKS
AND NEVER GETTING
TO SEE EACH OTHER.

AND ONE DAY THEY JUST
MOVED TO COLORADO

TO RUN THIS HOT-AIR BALLOON
COMPANY.

THAT'S GREAT.
GOOD FOR THEM.

IT IS.

THEY TAKE PEOPLE UP
TO WATCH THE SUNSET

OVER THE ROCKIES
EVERY NIGHT.

THEY GET BY OKAY.

AND THEY GET TO SEE
EACH OTHER EVERY DAY.

AND HE HASN'T THROWN HER
OUT OF THE BASKET YET?

[ chuckles ]

COME ON, BABY,
LET'S GO TO SLEEP.

I WAS OFFERED A PROMOTION
IN SAN FRANCISCO.

[ door opens,
door bell jingles ]

AND CAN YOU MAKE SURE
THEY ARRIVE THIS AFTERNOON?

THEY NEED TO BE THERE
WHEN HE GETS HOME.

AS LONG AS THERE'S
A DOORMAN, SURE.

- DID YOU WANT
TO FILL OUT A CARD?
- YES.

YOU LIKE FLOWERS.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
KEEP THEM?

THIS ISN'T FUNNY.
"HAPPY ANNIVERSARY"?

THIS HAS TO STOP.

I GUESS I DID MEET HER
ABOUT THIS TIME LAST YEAR.

BETH, BETH,
YOU'RE MAD AT ME,

AND THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT CHRISTIE WANTS.

THIS HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH US.

OF COURSE IT DOES.

"WE ALL HAVE A PAST."
REMEMBER?

I DEALT WITH MINE.
YOU'RE NOT DEALING WITH YOURS.

WHAT ELSE DO YOU
WANT ME TO DO?

I CAN GET
A RESTRAINING ORDER.

HOW DOES ONE ACTUALLY
DO THAT?

I'M TIRED OF THIS,
HONESTLY.

[ phone ringing ]

- HELLO.
- Hi.

WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

UM, JUST PEANUT BUTTER...

SANDWICHES.

ALL RIGHT.

Hey, Tommy
and Lisa and I

are going for dinner
next week and we wanted
to invite you along.

I CAN'T.

I DIDN'T EVEN SAY
WHICH NIGHT YET.

NO, I JUST--

I DON'T LIKE
TO BE SET UP.

OH, WELL,
IT'S NOT A SETUP.

How's Monday night?

We're going for sushi.
It's better than
peanut butter.

- YEAH, I THINK
I CAN DO MONDAY.
- OKAY.

- Sure.
- GOOD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HOME
ON A FRIDAY NIGHT ANYWAY?

OH, IT'S JUST BEEN
KIND OF A LONG WEEK.

WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?

I'M MEETING
TOMMY LATER.

SO WHAT'S YOUR STORY?
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE
A GIRLFRIEND?

WELL, MY EX-GIRLFRIEND--

FIANCéE--

SHE GOT PREGNANT WHILE
I WAS SERVING OVERSEAS.

SHE VISITED YOU
OVER THERE?

NO NO, THAT WAS
KIND OF THE PROBLEM.

OH. SORRY.

IT WAS NOT REALLY
THE HOMECOMING

I'D BEEN
LOOKING FORWARD TO
FOR THREE YEARS, YOU KNOW?

RIGHT.

SO ARE YOU INTERESTED
IN ANYONE THESE DAYS?

INTERESTED LIKE--?

UM, NO NO, NOT--

THAT'S A YES.

WHO IS SHE?
DO I KNOW HER?

I DON'T THINK
YOU DO, BETH.

ALL RIGHT, SAY WHEN.

IT'S A SCHOOL NIGHT,
YOU KNOW?

[ laughs ]

IT'S OKAY.
I DON'T HAVE TO BE AT WORK
UNTIL LATE TOMORROW.

SO WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE
COUNTRY THAT YOU VISITED?

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

BOTSWANA MAYBE.
NO, VIETNAM.

PEOPLE THERE
ARE SO NICE

AND THE BEACHES ARE
JUST AMAZING.

AND IT'S LIKE A MILLION
DONG TO THE DOLLAR,
SO IT'S REALLY CHEAP.

A MILLION DONGS
TO A DOLLAR, HUH?

SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD TIME.

SO WHAT WAS
BOTSWANA LIKE?

OKAY, PICTURE HERDS
OF ZEBRA AND ELEPHANT

LITERALLY JUST STOPPING
TRAFFIC ON HIGHWAYS.

AND THE CURRENCY THERE

ACTUALLY IS CALLED
THE PULA,

WHICH IS THE SAME WORD
AS "RAIN."

- OH, 'CAUSE OF THE DROUGHTS.
- YEAH, EXACTLY.

AND THE PENNIES--
THEY'RE CALLED "RAINDROPS."

THAT'S SO POETIC.

IT IS.
ARE YOU DRINKING?

OH, NO.

NEVER POUR
YOUR OWN SAKE--

SEVEN YEARS OF BAD SEX.
THAT'S A FACT.

SEVEN MORE YEARS, HUH?

OH.

SCHOOL NIGHT.

LET'S HAVE A TOAST.

TO DANIEL'S SUCCESS
IN HIS NEW JOB.

AND TO LISA'S PROMOTION.

AND TO BETH FOR
ORGANIZING TONIGHT.

YES, HERE'S TO EVERYONE
EXCEPT ME.

OH.

BETH, WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO ABOUT THAT
JOB OFFER IN CALIFORNIA?

WELL, IT'S SUCH
A GREAT OPPORTUNITY

BUT A PART OF ME
FEELS LIKE I SHOULDN'T GO.

WHEN WOULD YOU BE MOVING?

PROBABLY IN ABOUT A MONTH.

YEAH, I'D MISS HER
LIKE CRAZY,

BUT IT'S ONLY
A PLANE RIDE, RIGHT?

YEAH, I MEAN,
IT'S NOT THAT FAR.

I JUST CAN'T
MAKE UP MY MIND.

I KNOW HOW YOU CAN
FIGURE IT OUT.

THIS WILL SHOW YOU

EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT
DEEP DOWN.

YEAH, LET'S LEAVE ALL
OF LIFE'S MAJOR DECISIONS

TO A COIN TOSS.
THAT'S BRILLIANT, DANIEL.

I DON'T REALLY
BELIEVE IN LUCK.

NO NO NO, IT'S NOT
ABOUT LUCK, OKAY?

HEADS YOU STAY,
TAILS YOU GO.

YOU GOTTA TRUST ME
THOUGH, OKAY?

- THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
- HEADS YOU STAY,
TAILS YOU GO.

WHAT DO YOU
WANT IT TO BE?

STAY.

THEN THAT'S YOUR ANSWER.

NO, WHAT WAS THE REAL ONE?
WHAT WAS IT?

DOESN'T MATTER.

- [ Beth chuckles ]
-DUDE, YOU LOOKED AT IT.
COME ON.

THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
SHE KNOWS WHAT
SHE WANTS NOW.

YEAH, I GUESS I DO.

THANKS FOR DINNER,
TOMMY.

- YES, THANK YOU.
- YES, VERY GENEROUS
AS ALWAYS.

MY PLEASURE.

SHIT, I LEFT
MY CREDIT CARD INSIDE.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I THINK I'M GONNA
CALL IT A NIGHT.

OH, OKAY.

YEAH, I WAS THINKING
THE SAME THING.

DO YOU WANT
TO SHARE A CAB?

NO, I'M HEADED DOWNTOWN.

YOU'RE HEADED
TO THE UPPER WEST, RIGHT?

- YEAH.
- WOULDN'T MAKE SENSE,
YOU KNOW,

LOGISTICALLY.

GOT IT.
WHAT'S THE PLAN?

I'M JUST GONNA
CALL IT A NIGHT.

- THANKS FOR EVERYTHING, MAN.
- YEAH?

YEAH, SEE YOU TOMORROW.
YOU GUYS HAVE A GOOD NIGHT,
ALL RIGHT?

- ALL RIGHT.
- TAKE CARE.

Daniel:
WELL, IT'S AT 10.45.

I'M NOT TRYING
TO BEND YOU OVER, OKAY?

JUST GROW A PAIR
OF NUTS AND--

SHAKESPEARE, I STILL NEED
A BETTER BID.

DANIEL, YOU'RE UP
ON CYBERON.

ALL RIGHT, TICKER REPORT--
100 THOU?

A NICKEL BETTER
THAN YOUR ORDER.

YEAH?
OKAY, THANKS.

JACK, STICK WITH ME
ON THIS ONE.

- SHAKESPEARE, DID YOU HEAR ME?
- JUST GET HIM TO
FUCKING HIT ME.

ALL RIGHT, JACK,
WE JUST GOT ANOTHER SELLER.

IT'S FILL OR KILL.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

GREAT.
I'LL HAVE JEN CALL YOU
WITH THE REPORT.

HAVE FUN
IN THE HAMPTONS.
YEAH.

ON YOUR WAY,
SHAKESPEARE.

THANK YOU, DANIMAL.

- JEN.
- I'M ALL OVER IT, DANIMAL.

[ seagulls cawing ]

IT'S KIND OF SAD
IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

THOS GUYS SPEND
ALL THEIR TIME

LOOKING FOR SOMETHING
THEY'RE NEVER GONNA FIND.

WHAT, THE PERFECT WOMAN?

YEAH, THERE'S
NO SUCH THING.

SO YOU'VE NEVER BEEN
TEMPTED, HUH?

WELL, OF COURSE
I'VE BEEN TEMPTED.

WHY?
DOES THAT SURPRISE YOU?

I CAN GO HOME AT NIGHT.
I CAN LOOK MY WIFE

AND MY KIDS IN THE EYE

AND NOT FEEL
LIKE A TOTAL FRAUD.

I MEAN, TO ME
THAT'S A GOOD TRADE.

DANIEL, HOW'S IT GOING?

GOOD TO SEE YOU, MAN.

HI, DANIEL.
I'M CHRISTIE.

- I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU.
- YEAH, YOU TOO.

YEAH, SO DANIEL AND I
HAVE A MEETING

WE GOTTA GET UP TO,
SO I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

OKAY, BYE.

SORRY ABOUT THAT.
SHE'S A LITTLE NUTS.

- I HAD TO STOP HER
FROM COMING UPSTAIRS.
- OKAY.

YOU SHOWED UP
IN THE NICK OF TIME.
THAT'S GOOD.

OH, AND I KNOW
YOU AND BETH ARE BECOMING
REAL GOOD FRIENDS.

I THINK THAT'S COOL
AND EVERYTHING.
IT'S PROBABLY SOMETHING

SHE DOESN'T NEED
TO HEAR ABOUT, YOU KNOW?

UNLESS YOU'RE TRYING

TO SPLIT US UP
FOR SOME REASON.

I'M FUCKING WITH YOU.

- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
- YEAH.

Hi, it's Tommy.
Leave a message.

♪ FRIDAY NIGHT

♪ BECAME SO LONELY

♪ WHEN YOU CAME
TO MAKE OR BREAK ♪

♪ AND SEEMED TO TAKE ALL DAY
TO MAKE ME ANGRY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I LIKE YOU

♪ MAYBE I'M JUST
LIKE YOU ♪

♪ HOLDING ONTO SOMETHING

♪ THAT WE KNOW
WE CANNOT HOLD OR FOLD ♪

♪ IT SEEMS
WE JUST CAN'T FORGET ♪

♪ ARE YOU FRIGHTENED

♪ BY PERFECTION?

♪ IS THIS WHO YOU ARE

♪ NOT WHO YOU WANT
TO BE? ♪

- ♪ I WALK THE LINE
LIKE JOHNNY CASH ♪
- [ phone ringing ]

♪ I MADE THE BUS
IN SECONDS FLAT ♪

♪ I CALLED YOUR LINE
TOO MANY TIMES... ♪

HEY, BETH.

Hey, where are you?

I'M AT HOME.

TOMMY SAID YOU GUYS HAD
AN IMPORTANT DINNER TONIGHT.

WELL, I GUESS
I'M NOT THAT IMPORTANT.

SO DID YOU FINISH
THE BOOK YET?

YEAH, I JUST DID.

I'M NOT SURE HOW I FEEL
ABOUT IT THOUGH.

What do you mean?

WELL, YOU KIND OF
JUST TRUST THE NARRATOR

OUT OF HABIT,
YOU KNOW?

BUT JUST AS YOU'RE
GETTING INTO IT,

HE JUST TURNS OUT
TO BE FULL OF SHIT.

YEAH, SO?

So what's the point
of that?

MAYBE IT'S JUST LIKE
REAL LIFE.

SOMETIMES

PEOPLE JUST AREN'T
WHO YOU THOUGHT THEY WERE.

YOU'D TELL ME

IF SOMETHING WAS GOING ON
WITH TOMMY, RIGHT?

YEAH YEAH,
IF I KNEW ANYTHING.

I MEAN, THERE'S
NO STUPID GUY CODE
OR ANYTHING, IS THERE?

Don't say anything
to Tommy, okay?

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

THANKS.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING TONIGHT?

DO YOU WANT TO COME
GET A DRINK WITH ME
AND MY FRIENDS?

I CAN'T, BETH.

I'M KIND OF
EXPECTING SOMEONE.

OH.

OKAY.

WELL, HAVE FUN TONIGHT,

WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING.

Well, not too much fun.
Ha ha.

[ intercom buzzes ]

I'LL TALK
TO YOU LATER.

OKAY, BYE.

HELLO.

Man:
Delivery for Mr. Daniel.

YEAH, COME ON UP.

YOU SHOULD CALL DANIEL.
WHAT'S UP WITH DANIEL
TONIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW.

IT SOUNDED LIKE HE HAD
SOME HOT DATE COMING OVER.

[ laughs ]
YEAH, SOMEHOW I DOUBT THAT.

WHY?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

THE GUY IS TOTALLY
IN LOVE WITH YOU.

WHY DIDN'T HE
COME TONIGHT THEN?

YOU'RE HIS BOSS'S GIRLFRIEND.
I'M SURE IT KILLS HIM
TO BE AROUND YOU.

SHUT UP.

- OH MY GOD.
- Jordan: IT'S NOT
THAT SURPRISING.

NO OVER THERE.
IT'S CRAZY CHRISTIE.

- TOMMY'S EX?
- YEAH.

- WHICH ONE IS SHE?
- SHE'S THE LITTLE
AUDREY HEPBURN

IN THE RED DRESS.
THAT'S HER, ISN'T IT?

YEAH, SHE'S NOT THAT PRETTY.
YOU NEED TO TALK TO HER.

- I DON'T WANT TO MAKE A SCENE.
- MAKE A HUGE FUCKING SCENE.

THIS HAS GONE ON
LONG ENOUGH.

YOU'RE RIGHT.
THIS HAS GONE ON LONG ENOUGH.

CAN I HELP YOU?

WE'VE NEVER MET BEFORE,

BUT I--

YOU USED TO DATE
TOM FIELDING, RIGHT?

ARE YOU ONE OF TOMMY'S
EX-GIRLFRIENDS?

EX-GIRLFRIENDS?

NO, TOMMY AND I
HAVE BEEN TOGETHER
FOR THREE MONTHS NOW.

NICE NECKLACE.

SORRY.

I RAN INTO AN OLD FRIEND
ON LINE FOR THE BATHROOM.

IT'S OKAY.
SHOULD WE GET THE CHECK?

ACTUALLY, I THINK
I WANT TO STAY OUT TONIGHT.

I MEAN, WE SPENT
THE WHOLE DAY INSIDE.

YEAH, BUT WASN'T IT GREAT?

WELL, ALL WE EVER DO
IS STAY IN AND HAVE SEX

SINCE THE FIRST NIGHT
WE MET.

I WANT
TO GO OUT TONIGHT.

BUT WE ARE OUT.

- CIAO, CARISSIMA.
- CIAO, PAOLO.

PAOLO, THIS IS TOMMY.

- AH, TOMMY.
- PAOLO.

- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- NICE TO MEET YOU TOO.

OH, PAOLO, TOMMY SPEAKS
ITALIAN TOO.

E VERO?

SI, UN POCO.

[ speaks Italian ]

YEAH, IT'S A LITTLE LOUD
IN HERE

AND I'M A LITTLE RUSTY,
PROBABLY.

AH, WE SPEAK ENGLISH
THEN, HMM?

YEAH, IT'S PROBABLY BETTER
FOR EVERYONE.

SURE.

SO HOW DO YOU GUYS
KNOW EACH OTHER?

OH, I--?
OKAY.

SO ONE DAY BROOKE CAME
INTO MY STUDIO

TO MAKE SOME PHOTOS--
VERY NICE PHOTOS, EH?

- PAOLO IS A GENIUS.
- OH, NO.

SO TOMMY,
WHAT IS IT YOU DO?

I WORK AT A BANK--
MORGAN BROTHERS--

TRADING EQUITIES.

OH, I UNDERSTAND.
WALL STREET, I GET IT.

MONEY, EH?
MONEY?

PAOLO, WHEN DID YOU
GET TO NEW YORK AND
WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?

I'M ONLY HERE ONE WEEK.
TOMORROW I HAVE
A SHOW OPENING.

TONIGHT WE ARE
TO CELEBRATE.
I DIDN'T--

YOU MUST JOIN US

TO CELEBRATE TONIGHT.

OH, COME ON, EH?

YOU WOULDN'T MIND
IF I WENT WITH THEM,
WOULD YOU?

HMM?

YOU WANTED TO GO HOME
ANYWAY, RIGHT?

EUROTRASH PIECE
OF FUCKING SHIT.

THAT'S WHO SHE'S GONNA
GO HOME WITH.

I MEAN, FUCK!

SORRY ABOUT THAT.
HAVE A GOOD EVENING.

HEY, SAMANTHA,
IT'S THOMAS.

IT'S ABOUT 11:00
SATURDAY NIGHT.

I WOULD LOVE
TO SEE YOU.

CALL ME BACK.
ALL RIGHT.

AMY-- TOM.

HEY, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT
ABOUT 10:00.

I'D LOVE TO SEE YOU.

JEN,

IT'S YOUR FAVORITE
CO-WORKER-- TOMMY.

I'D LOVE TO SEE YOU,
EVEN IF IT'S LATE.

JUST CALL ME BACK.

FUCK.

YOU SHOULD HEAR
SOME OF THE THINGS
HE SAYS ABOUT YOU.

I THINK I HAVE AN IDEA.

I SPENT SO MUCH TIME
HATING YOU.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO BELIEVE.

[ phone ringing ]

HEY, BETH.
HOW'S GIRLS' NIGHT OUT GOING?

TOMMY, I DON'T WANT
TO SEE YOU AGAIN,

EVER.

WAIT, BETH.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WHERE ARE YOU?

I KNOW ABOUT CHRISTIE,
TOMMY--

EVERYTHING.

NO, WHAT ARE YOU--?
BETH, THIS IS CRAZY.

NO, IT'S NOT, ACTUALLY.

WELL, NOT ANYMORE.

WHO HAVE YOU BEEN
TALKING TO?

Beth, Beth!

FUCK.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT, BUDDY?

CHANGE OF PLANS.
WE'RE GONNA BE STAYING
DOWNTOWN.

[ knocks on door ]

COMING.

HEY.

- HEY.
- WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN?

YOU--

YOU HAVEN'T SPOKEN
TO BETH TONIGHT

BY ANY CHANCE,
HAVE YOU?

WELL, YEAH, BUT I DIDN'T
THINK IT WAS A BIG DEAL.

IT IS A BIG DEAL, DANIEL.
IT'S A BIG FUCKING DEAL.

- WHY?
- 'CAUSE YOU TOLD HER
I WAS FUCKING CHRISTIE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW--

YOU WANT TO FUCK MY GIRL,
DON'T YOU,

YOU LITTLE FUCKING CUNT?

- I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
- YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING?

WHY WOULD YOU
CALL HER, HUH?

SHE CALLED ME.
WE TALKED FOR TWO MINUTES

ABOUT A BOOK
WE'RE READING.
THAT'S IT.

- THE BOOK CLUB?
- YEAH.

NOW I UNDERSTAND.
YOU UNDERSTAND

- WHY I MISINTERPRETED
THE WHOLE SITUATION.
- ACTUALLY, I CAN'T, TOMMY.

IT HURT ME
AS MUCH AS IT DID YOU.

I'M SURE WE'LL BE LAUGHING
ABOUT IT ON MONDAY.

LOOK, I'LL TAKE YOU OUT
TO LUNCH, OKAY?

YEAH--

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

YOU'LL GET THAT
FIXED UP.

MONDAY WE'LL STRAIGHTEN
THIS WHOLE THING OUT.

I DON'T THINK SO,
TOMMY.

DANIEL, COME ON,
DON'T--

GO HOME, TOMMY.

JUST GO HOME.

[ chuckles ]

OKAY OKAY.

84th AND 5th.

[ phone ringing ]

Driver:
$8.20, PLEASE.

I THINK
I LOST MY WALLET.

$8.20, SIR.

I THINK I LOST
MY WALLET, SIR.

WE CAN GO A.T.M.

NO, MY CARDS ARE
IN MY WALLET.

BUT YOU KNOW,
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT--
I HAVE MONEY UPSTAIRS.

IF YOU JUST WAIT HERE
FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES,
I'LL RUN UP,

I'LL GRAB IT,
I'LL BRING IT DOWN FOR YOU.

GET THE FUCK
OUT OF MY TAXI.

[ phone ringing ]

HEY, BETH.

HEY.
SORRY.

DO YOU STILL
HAVE COMPANY?

NO NO, NOT AT ALL.
ARE YOU OKAY?

CAN I ASK YOU A FAVOR?

YOU CAN SAY NO,

BUT PLEASE
DON'T SAY NO, OKAY?

BETH, BETH,
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

[ knocks on door ]

IT'S BEEN A WHILE,
TOMMY.

EVENING, MISS PERKINS.

YOUR PLACE LOOKS NICE.

DID YOU MISS ME?

UGH.

[ squealing ]

WHAT DID YOU DO NOW?

[ machine beeps ]

Hi, Christie.
It's Mom.

Call me when
you get a chance.

- [ beep ]
- Hey, it's Tommy.

I'm just gonna crash
at my place tonight, okay?
Love you.

YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.

FUCK.

- HEY.
- HEY.

- WHAT--?
- YEAH.

- WHAT HAPPENED?
- I GUESS TOMMY'S HAVING
A ROUGH NIGHT.

TOMMY DID THAT?
WHY WOULD HE--?

I GUESS HE THOUGHT
THAT I TOLD YOU
ABOUT CHRISTIE.

HOW WOULD YOU EVEN--?

WOW, IS EVERYBODY
FUCKING LEFT-HANDED?

YOU KNEW
THE WHOLE TIME?

NO, NOT THE WHOLE TIME.

- WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
- I SHOULD HAVE.

NO, YOU HAVE

YOUR JOB TO THINK ABOUT
AND YOUR FRIENDS.

BETH, I QUIT MY JOB.

THOSE AREN'T
MY FRIENDS.

IT'S JUST YOU.

BABY, YOU'RE A LITTLE
LIGHT HERE.

I KNOW.

I'LL MAKE IT UP
TO YOU.

SORRY, BABY, BUT YOU KNOW
IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.

LOOK, I LOST MY WALLET
TONIGHT.

AND I WILL MAKE IT UP TO YOU,
I PROMISE.

LISTEN, MOTHERFUCKER,

YOU WILL GET ME
MY MOTHERFUCKING MONEY

OR I'M GONNA FUCKING SCREAM
UNTIL THE FUCKING COPS COME.

AND THAT WOULD FUCK YOU
A LOT MORE THAN IT WOULD
FUCK ME.

OKAY, HOW ABOUT
WE JUST CALM DOWN

AND I'LL FIND A WAY
TO GET YOUR MONEY
FOR YOU, OKAY?

JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE
TO THINK ABOUT IT.

OKAY, BABY,
WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.

IRV, HOW'S IT GOING?

YOU CAN'T GO
UP THERE, SON.

I JUST NEED TO TALK
TO CHRISTIE FOR A SECOND.

YOU'RE NO LONGER
ON THE GUEST LIST.

IRV, MY MAN,

I'M UP THERE
ALL THE TIME.

DONNY, SHOW THIS MAN
TO THE DOOR.

[ thunder crashing ]

[ rain pattering ]

[ buzzes ]

[ intercom buzzing ]

[ door opens ]

[ footsteps ]

I FELL SORRY
FOR YOU, TOMMY.

I DO.

THANKS, BABY.

TWO STOPS, PLEASE.

Tommy's voice:
SO THAT'S HOW
WE GOT HERE.

IT'S NOT PRETTY,

I KNOW.

I REALLY DON'T HAVE
ANYTHING LEFT TO SAY
FOR MYSELF.

MAYBE THAT'S A START.

SO WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO NOW?

I DON'T KNOW.

CHRIS BAKER--

HE KEEPS ASKING ME
TO JOIN HIM IN HIS NEW PLACE,

BUT I'M JUST NOT SURE
THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO
RIGHT NOW.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
UP IN A HOT-AIR BALLOON?

WHAT?

NEVER MIND.

♪ YES, I THINK
WE'VE MET BEFORE ♪

♪ IN THAT INSTANT
IT STARTED TO POUR ♪

♪ CAPTURED A TAXI

♪ DESPITE ALL THE RAIN

♪ WE DROVE IN SILENCE

♪ ACROSS PONT CHAMPLAIN

♪ AND ALL OF THAT TIME

♪ YOU THOUGHT I WAS SAD

♪ I WAS TRYING
TO REMEMBER ♪

♪ YOUR NAME.

Woman:
TOMMY.

BUON GIORNO, CARISSIMA.

WHY DID YOU COME BACK
IN THAT RESTAURANT

FOR MY NUMBER?

I JUST COULDN'T BE
WITH THAT OTHER GIRL

WHEN ALL I WANTED
WAS TO TALK TO YOU.

WHATEVER HAPPENED
TO HER ANYWAY?

IT JUST WASN'T RIGHT.

WHEN YOU FLIPPED
THAT COIN

AND I SAID
I WANTED TO STAY,

I DON'T THINK
I REALIZED IT THEN,

BUT I WAS THINKING
ABOUT YOU WHEN I SAID IT.

I KNOW.

SO WHAT WAS IT?

WHAT WAS WHAT?

HEADS OR TAILS?

STAY OR LEAVE?

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

♪ THERE'S ONE THING
I WANT TO SAY ♪

♪ SO I'LL BE BRAVE

♪ YOU WERE
WHAT I WANTED ♪

♪ I GAVE WHAT I GAVE

♪ I'M NOT SORRY
I MET YOU ♪

♪ I'M NOT
SORRY IT'S OVER ♪

♪ I'M NOT SORRY
THERE'S NOTHING TO SAVE ♪

♪ I'M NOT SORRY

♪ THERE'S NOTHING TO SAVE

[ song continues ]

[ pop song playing ]

♪ HALLIE SAYS THAT SHE WANTS
TO STAY UP TILL THE SUN ♪

♪ "LET'S MAKE FRIENDS
WITH THE COOL KIDS ♪

♪ JUST THIS ONCE"

♪ SHE SAYS

♪ AND DOESN'T BLINK
AT ALL ♪

♪ "LET'S GO NON-EGO ID,
DON CAPES LIKE WE'RE KIDS" ♪

♪ BUT THAT HENRY--
HE'S SUCH A HATER ♪

♪ AND HE WISHES SHE'D JUST
STAY BORED AS HIM ♪

♪ BUT NOW HALLIE'S
GONNA POP ♪

♪ UNLESS THAT HENRY
LEARNS TO STOP ♪

♪ WITH ALL HIS DOUBLE DIRTY
DOWNER LOOKING ON ♪

♪ IT'S LIKE HE'S LIVING
IN A ROCK ♪

♪ OR LIKE HE'S MOPPING UP
THE FLOOR ♪

♪ WITH HIS HEAD
WHILE THE MOP WATCHES ON ♪

♪ "LET'S GO FASTER
THAN LIGHT ♪

♪ LET'S GO BACK
TO THE START ♪

♪ BECOME WHAT WE HATE
WITH THE FLOODLIGHTS ON ♪

♪ GO SUMMON THE DEAD

♪ AND BUILD FIRES
IN THE YARD" ♪

♪ BUT WHAT LOOKS GOOD
ON PAPER ♪

♪ LOOKS GOOD ON PAPER

♪ BUT THIS ONE
LOOKS LIKE ♪

♪ THE OTHER HARE-BRAINED
SCHEMES OF YOURS ♪

♪ BUT NOW HALLIE'S
GONNA POP ♪

♪ UNLESS THAT HENRY
LEARNS TO STOP ♪

♪ WITH ALL HIS DOUBLE DIRTY
DOWNER LOOKING ON ♪

♪ IT'S LIKE HE'S LIVING
IN A ROCK ♪

♪ OR LIKE HE'S MOPPING UP
THE FLOOR WITH HIS HEAD ♪

♪ WHILE THE MOP
WATCHES ON. ♪

[ song continues ]