Original subtitles

Hey, Bill.

Hello, you're just in time.

I'm in need of a ground crew. Would you like to volunteer?

- Sure. - All right. Each of you hold a wing tip.

Now, on the count of three, let go.

Are you ready?

One, two, three, go.

Hey, aren't you gonna turn it around pretty soon? You could lose it.

Well, as a matter of fact, it's not supposed to come back.

It's what you might call a suicide mission.

It's the radar room. Come on.

It locked onto us almost a minute ago.

Collision course with the top floor of this...

Minute ago?

That means it must be moving very slowly.

Very. I've never seen anything quite like it on radar.

See if our roof camera can give us a visual fix.

Let's try some magnification.

It's only a toy.

Maybe.

Five hundred yards and closing.

That can't represent a threat. It's not big enough.

They make a nuclear warhead the size of a flashlight. It's big enough.

Four hundred yards and closing.

I think it's time to take in the welcome mat, Illya.

The laser beam?

Yeah. Set it for 250 yards, destruct.

- Set for 250. WOMAN: Three hundred yards and closing.

Two-seven-five.

Two-six-five.

Two-five-five.

And bingo.

Malfunction. Hit the second beam.

Two hundred yards and closing.

We can't stop it.

Take cover. Headquarters is under attack.

You have 20 seconds. Take cover. The blast will come from above.

Take cover.

One hundred yards minus.

I think you can leave the rest to our imaginations.

Dud?

"Boom. You're dead."

Incredible. Absolutely incredible.

Yes, sir. That's what we thought.

The delivery system.

Has it been examined yet for clues...

as to who assembled it?

No. Riley, our detection expert, hasn't checked in this morning.

When he does arrive, inform him that he's to work directly with you and Mr. Kuryakin.

We must make absolutely certain that no such breach of security occurs again.

Especially not today.

The meeting?

The so-called "Closet Summit" begins in our

conference suite in less than eight hours.

We better put the entire building under yellow alert for the rest of the day.

We wouldn't want anymore embarrassing little lapses.

Particularly when we're playing host to the world's top leaders.

It's vital that we know how the attacker did what he did.

Therefore, should he strike again you must take him alive and unharmed.

That is mandatory.

Well, you mean, don't shoot unless he shoots first?

I mean, Mr. Solo, don't shoot at all.

Riley is usually most punctual.

Seems to me he said something about a doctor's appointment. He'll be along.

Riley.

I was just checking this out for you.

Thrush is issuing a few of these to our more important agents.

Well, it's nice to know that I'm considered to be one of the elite.

What is it?

It's an ordinary fountain pen...

until you twist this to the right then to the left.

Press that lever.

It's armed.

This weapon transmits an ultra-sonic concussion of tremendous force.

You press it against the head of your...

The brain, in effect, is homogenized.

Death is instantaneous, of course.

Oh, you needn't worry. It's completely harmless.

Until you cock it again.

Any particular reason that I'm getting this today?

Yes. The meeting.

We believe it will take place this evening at the headquarters of the U.N.C.L.E.

I've been waiting a long time for this.

All of Thrush has been waiting.

Now, once and for all...

U.N.C.L.E. will be completely discredited.

With some of the world's most important people being blown to bits...

under U.N.C.L.E.'s very own roof...

"discredited" would hardly cover it.

Now let's recap. Go through the plan with me once more.

- But it's such an absurdly simple... - Please.

Indulge me.

I enjoy hearing my own brilliance confirmed.

All right.

The operation began months ago when I discovered...

that the conference suite at U.N.C.L.E. was to be redecorated.

We located...

You located the furniture manufacturer who

was custom building the conference table...

and managed to plant an explosive in the table just before it was delivered.

On the table.

The entire tabletop is a layer of plastic explosive...

about a half an inch thick.

Enough to demolish the entire floor of the building.

Right.

Now, this particular plastic requires an explosion to detonate it.

And as a trigger, we devised an ashtray.

An ashtray made from a different type of plastic explosive.

One that is detonated by heat alone.

- The heat from a lighted cigarette. - Excellent.

Excellent, that's the beauty part.

That table has been sitting there, absolutely harmless...

just waiting for the trigger device.

And this afternoon, I'll put the lethal ashtray on the conference table.

There are bound to be smokers at the meeting.

And exactly 15 seconds after it has been touched by a hot cigarette...

the ashtray goes "bang."

And the table goes "boom."

And we write off U.N.C.L.E. as a world power.

Now for your final instructions...

we're abandoning this cover as of today.

You will use one of the prearranged escape routes.

You mean...

I won't be seeing you again?

Well, if you do, you won't recognize me.

Don't worry, someone will be contacting you along the way.

Hard to believe that I won't recognize you next time around.

Oh, you can believe it, Mr. Riley.

Best of luck.

Thank you, doctor.

But I won't need any luck.

Nothing has been overlooked in this plan of yours.

Lots of mustard, please.

But we can't change the date now.

All the announcements have been mailed and everything.

I'm not saying we should change the date.

I just said I have to take my vacation when they tell me to.

Charlie Andrews decides he wants to take the next two weeks.

But doesn't he know we're getting married tomorrow?

Of course he does, but he's got this chance to go bone fishing in Florida.

And he does have seniority.

Walter, everybody in the world has seniority...

when you let them push you around the way you do.

I gotta get back to the office. - Ah!

- I'm terribly sorry. - Oh, gosh.

Look at me. I'm all over with mustard.

That is a mess. You better not go back to the store.

There's a cleaning store right here.

I'm sure they can make the necessary repairs and, of course, I insist on paying.

Now, look, it was an accident.

Will you please stop acting like a teddy bear?

- It wasn't his fault. - I won't have it any other way.

I'm know they can take care of you very quickly. There you go.

- Kay? - Oh, that's all right, Walter.

You going back to the office.

- Call me when you get back to store. - Okay.

Hey, wait a minute. How do I know you're not a kidnapper or something?

Really, miss, do I look that untrustworthy?

No, you look absolutely harmless. That's the story of my life.

- Hello. - Bit of an accident. Mustard.

You can slip out of your dress right in here, my dear, that's it.

Hey, wait a minute.

You said something?

Nothing, nothing. Let's get on with it before she catches cold.

Say, you wouldn't happen to be one of those crazy guys from the TV shows?

Silly question.

Nothing exciting ever happens to me.

Maybe you don't know when you're well off.

Oh, I know.

It's just that when you've had a very nice, dull, safe upbringing...

and you're gonna marry a very nice, dull, safe, guy...

well, you can't help wishing something exciting would happen.

You know what I mean?

Oddly enough, I do know what you mean.

And furthermore, I agree.

I agree most heartily.

Ah!

Ah!

- Hey. - Uh-uh.

Flat on the floor.

Face down, if you please.

That's a good boy.

Surprise, surprise.

Now, if we can just understand...

how you came through the booth in the cleaning shop.

Well, I keep telling you, I really don't know.

I was just leaning against the wall one minute and "wham"...

I was right down the rabbit hole or through the looking glass.

You don't think I really wanted to do this, do you?

We don't know. We are checking your identification now.

Well, while you're checking, would you mind giving me back my clothes...

so I can go back to work?

I'm afraid we're going to have to keep you a little longer.

Can't one of the girls loan her an outfit?

Look, I'm getting married tomorrow...

and I have to replace the new girl at the store to replace me...

while I'm on my honeymoon.

Look, it's really terribly important that I go.

I don't know who you are.

I don't know where I am.

Please, I'll be so happy to forget this madhouse...

this chrome and gunmetal madhouse.

Please, please, could I go?

I'm sorry.

Not now, it just not possible, not until we know a little more about you.

Here now. Put these on and try and relax.

And I'll look in on you again in a few minutes.

Oh, I can hardly wait.

I ran a check on the girl's identification. No holes in the story so far.

Which may only mean she has a good cover.

Guess we'll have to try the Jekyll-Hyde routine.

She's an attractive girl. Why don't I be her friend this time.

You haven't played villain for a long time.

Because you do it much better than I do.

The penalty of playing my part successfully. Now I'm typecast?

- That's right. - I'd better go and snarl at her.

You will come to my rescue soon, won't you?

I'm always afraid I might get carried away with the role.

- Oh, Hi. - Hi.

Whoever put this together did it with stuff you can get at any stocked hobby shop.

I think it's just some sort of elaborate joke.

Oh, really.

Well, this elaborate joke managed to get through our laser defense system.

Now, that took some doing.

Well, I'll look at the roof installation when I've finished here.

See if there was any sign of sabotage.

Sorry I missed all the excitement this morning.

Looks like I picked the wrong day to get a checkup.

- No problem. You healthy? - Oh, sure, healthy as a horse.

- Okay, stay that way. I'll see you later. - Yeah.

Urgent, urgent, Dr. Egret.

Egret here.

Have you started another attack?

Is there someone else operating independent of me?

Negative. You are the whole show.

No. I am not.

Something is going on over here. Someone's got the whole place stirred up.

An alert has been posted until after the meeting.

Any actual interference with your mission?

Negative, not yet.

Still, this could be very bad for us.

If you should intercept this free agent, eliminate him.

You're lying. I know you're lying and I'm sick to death of your lies.

All right, I'll give you a few minutes that's all I can allow you.

Then we'll get the truth out of you with...

or without your cooperation.

- My turn? - Your turn.

If she's an agent, she's quite a good one.

I beg your pardon.

I seem to be a bit turned around. Which way is the elevator?

You are turned around, sir. It's back that way.

Oh, thank you so much.

The more I shout at her, the more I feel she's exactly what she claims to be.

- What's the matter? - I don't think that man was wearing badge.

Ridiculous. Every alarm would...

No, he wasn't wearing a badge. Hey, mister!

- That man, where'd he go? - Into the elevator.

The elevator's operating?

Well, gentlemen, shall we take the stairs?

And the alarm system did a complete about face from its normal operation.

The intruder, without a badge, was able to walk through...

completely undetected by electronic sensors.

But when we went after him, wearing badges, every alarm in the place goes off.

Yes, I'm well aware that the alarm system was triggered.

I was trapped for 45 minutes in the men's room without my pipe.

The elevator, which is programmed to stop dead during a security alert...

was functioning beautifully. When we finally caught up with it...

- the man seemed to have gone up in smoke. - As well, we all may...

if our security system continues cooperating with the wrong people.

Yes, that brings me to an urgent recommendation.

- Yes? - I think the meeting should be postponed.

Or another place should be found outside U.N.C.L.E. headquarters, right?

Right.

It's too late for any such change in plans.

Well, headquarters should be inspected inch

by inch, particularly the conference suite.

Our visitor could have been anywhere in this building.

I agree to that. Mr. Riley.

You and your people had better attend to the conference suite itself.

Yes, sir, I'll get right on it.

Mr. Solo, what about that other matter, the young lady?

Well, as of now we are convinced that the girl is 99 percent harmless.

Ninety-nine percent won't do. That one percent of uncertainty can kill you.

Well, you seem to have got your work cut out for yourselves.

I'd better see to that inspection of the building you suggested.

All right and I'll dispose of the last one percent of doubt about the girl.

Why, he was the most terrible man I ever met.

And the way he talked to me, like I was a criminal.

Oh, it's a streak of sadism. Illya has always been a little unstable, you see.

Don't worry, though. I won't let him hurt you.

Oh, don't you let him come near me.

I don't know what I would do if I ever saw him again.

Who are you?

What right do you have to snatch people off the streets...

practically...

and lock them up here like this?

Well, I can't really do much explaining, you

see, but there are good reasons for all this.

Very important reasons also.

And because of them, you're just going to have to wait here...

until we find out positively that you are exactly what you say you are.

What?

You mean, I might even miss my own wedding?

Why, that's...

terrible.

Do you know what I just almost said?

I almost said, "That's wonderful."

Why would I say a thing like that?

How could I even be happy about missing my own wedding?

Oh, maybe it just a case of last-minute nerves, I think.

I don't know what to think.

Oh, many people get that way, just before getting married.

I've been told.

I'm so darned mixed up.

I've got the hiccups.

Is there something I can do for you?

Oh, it's nothing. I always get the hiccups when I cry.

Could you get me a glass of water, please?

Coming right up.

You're hungry. I'll get you something to eat.

Thank you. Ah!

"Something to eat," he says.

You discovered them, I see.

They're coming out of every tap in the building.

I found this taped to a pipe in the basement.

Just read it to me. Is it like the one in the plane?

Instead of "Boom. You're dead"...

this one says, "Ecch, you're poisoned."

"Ecch"?

We're not, of course. They're perfectly harmless.

I believe they called them "guppies."

I know where I am.

I was right the first time.

I did fall down a rabbit hole.

And this is a mad, mad tea party.

We found where he intercepted the water system.

It's underground, about a block away.

Fortunately he sent us fish and not strychnine...

since we were powerless...

to defend ourselves against anything in our water supply.

Well, that's being attended to. A filtration system.

What about the girl? Is she over her hysteria?

Oh, Illya's with her now. Since he dropped his Rasputin act...

they're getting along much better now.

You haven't been able to find out how the man managed to get in the building?

Well, if he pays us a return visit, we'll be ready for him.

I've shut down the alarm system.

Now, he made it work for him. Let see how he gets along without it.

Anything yet, Mr. Riley?

No, sir. The adjoining rooms are all clean. We've just begun in here.

Something like two hours more before our guests begin arriving.

You still intend to go on with it?

I've told you, it's too late to change plans now.

Might assuage some of Mr. Solo's concern, Mr. Riley...

if you were to seal the entrances to this suite...

when you've completed your examination.

Yes sir, I'll do that.

Is there anything I can do to help in here?

No, no, everything is under control.

Well, I'm glad someone can say that.

Mr. Solo, come to the security entrance, please. Mr. Solo.

Let me know when you finish up in here.

All right.

You find something?

Well, I'm not certain, but I wanna run a test on this.

Looks like a standard composition material to me.

It looks like it, but it doesn't smell like it.

I'll come along with you, maybe I can help.

Fine.

He came in about five minutes ago.

Mr. Del Floria told him Miss Baker went back to work...

but he isn't buying any.

Evidently not. Let's see what Del Floria thinks.

Del Floria cleaners.

What do you think, is your friend going to be back?

You can make book on it.

Don't let it get out of hand, if it looks like he's going to make waves...

let's invite him in out of the weather.

By the way it's going, we could have half of Manhattan in hereby nightfall.

I've always been partial to a well-put-together infernal machine myself.

But plastics have a fascination too.

This has a smell a little like what they're

using now as a solid propellant for rockets.

Give it a heat test first.

What else you gonna try?

Oh, you know, heat, impact, electric shock, explosion.

Still haven't mastered the staircase in the dark?

You must have bat blood in you to find your way up through that cave every morning.

The practice of years, that's all it takes.

Well, time to have another go at them. Everything all right so far?

- Yes. It's actually going quite well. - Good.

Would you tell Mr. Ledbetter, please, that his fiancée called?

Thank you. There was a very sudden illness in the family.

A dear uncle.

And tell him, please, that I will meet him at City Hall tomorrow...

for the wedding.

Thank you.

What's the matter?

Am I gonna be able to get married tomorrow?

You still don't know whether you're gonna let me go?

We'll know soon enough. We're running a security check on you.

We'll know your life history...

from the day you were born right up until this morning.

Big deal.

You could engrave the whole thing on the head of a pin...

and still have room left over for the Gettysburg Address.

Listen, there's a lot to be said for the quiet life, don't knock it.

That's what everybody says.

You know something?

In spite of being scared to death by everything that happened to me here...

I really enjoyed it all.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's true.

This is a day I'll always remember.

I should say that's a pretty accurate description.

I should say this is a day when one will very much never forget.

No matter how hard we try.

Huh?

I'll be along in a minute.

Solo and Kuryakin are coming by for a last look before we lock it up.

- The place is completely clean? - Completely.

Once they sit down at this table, there won't be a thing to worry about.

Uh-uh. Wouldn't want the leaders of the world...

to be presented with a dirty ashtray, would we?

You're quite right.

If we can't impress them with our security,

we can at least show them that we're neat.

What happened?

I don't know.

It felt like electricity.

I felt it too.

It's an electric charge running through the metal walls and flooring.

The fuses, come on.

Gentlemen, I wish to surrender.

I don't think you have choice in the matter.

No, no, you see, I've just found something...

in there.

And in view of today's unusually important security requirements...

I thought it might be useful to provide a little outside stimulation...

in the person of Mr. Hemingway here.

You see, I was simply meant to be a sort of gadfly just to sting you into awareness.

I thought it might be something like that.

When you insisted the meeting go on...

I presumed that you knew more about the attacks than the rest of us...

- and that they'd continue to be harmless. - Quite right.

Except that now they appear not to be harmless.

A man is dead.

You surely don't think I...

Are you quite certain that Mr. Hemingway is entirely trustworthy?

Entirely.

Among other things, he happens to be my brother-in-law.

He's also a professor of logic at YIT.

No, we shall have to look elsewhere for the killer of Agent Morgan.

And we better begin looking instantly.

Morgan was a member of Mr. Riley's bomb-detection crew, isn't that so?

Yes, and he was last seen alive in the conference suite.

So it may be that Morgan found something...

and his killer acted to prevent his giving the alarm.

- Yes? WOMAN: First group of guests has arrived.

Very well. Show them into the reception room.

Under no circumstances are they to go near the conference suite...

until I pass the word.

Point of no return, huh?

I shall have to receive them, of course.

I'm afraid you two will have to carry on.

Gentlemen, if I wouldn't be in the way, may I join you?

Yes, of course, it'd be nice to know where you are for a change.

And whose side you're on.

- Thanks for sending out for this. - The least we could do.

I hope it hasn't been too unpleasant for you.

Well, I can't complain about a completely dull existence anymore.

- You're gonna turn me loose? - Afraid not, it's a new ball game.

One of our agents has been murdered.

His body was found down the corridor a few doors from the interrogation room.

You don't think I had to do with it because I was alone in there...?

We don't think anything, but we can't take chances...

even with a girl whose whole life can be engraved on the head of a pin.

Gentlemen, Miss Lorrison, please be seated.

I think you all may be wondering why you're here tonight.

Of course, one of you doesn't have to guess.

That one already knows.

Morgan was murdered. As to how, we don't know...

except that, evidently, some kind of exotic device was used...

because his brain was destroyed.

What about him?

Finding him and Morgan's body together. Doesn't that mean something?

Now, really.

Waverly vouched for him. Besides that...

Mr. Hemingway is the only one among us tonight that is here voluntarily.

Sure, he volunteered.

How else was he gonna get in here?

Because he wanted to help. Whether he stays or not is up to him.

However, the rest of you have no choice.

You are all going to remain here this evening...

until we find out why Morgan was murdered.

As I understand it, the dead man had been searching this room, huh?

That's right. That gives us a hint.

Apparently, Morgan found something and the murderer acted to silence him.

Well, then surely it's fairly logical...

that as Mr. Morgan was a bomb detective expert...

he very possibly detected a bomb.

Right here in this room.

A bomb that was intended to blow up this evening's meeting.

And so gentlemen...

and Miss Lorrison...

here we all sit, everyone's suspect...

waiting for a confession.

Or for an explosion.

You mean we're just gonna sit here.

- That's the agenda. - Well, I think it stinks.

Ah!

Take care of him.

- Stairs. - Wait, I can stop him.

Electronic scrambler reverses the function of all automatic circuitry systems.

That what you used to foul up our alarm?

Right. I've stopped the elevator and he's trapped between floors.

I'll open the door for you.

I suppose we could wait for reinforcements.

Oh, we could. But after seeing what he just did with the ashtray...

I don't wanna wait a second longer than is necessary.

All right. Ready when you are, IK.

What was that sound?

The fountain pen?

Yeah, it looks like permanent writer's cramp.

The conference room is ready?

Yes, the damage has been screened off and the table replaced.

Excellent. A near miss for Thrush, but a miss, nonetheless.

I think I'll be going if you've nothing more for me.

If you wish.

I'm sure these young men here...

will regret not being able to go on matching wits with you...

but they'll bear up.

I'm sure we will.

One thing still puzzles me.

The malfunction of the laser gun during the airplane attack.

Just how did you manage that?

- Well, I... - I'm afraid I'm responsible for that.

You see, I had to have a valid excuse for ordering you...

not to use violence on our friend here.

My wife would never forgive me if I somehow damaged her brother.

As for the rest of it, well, you know, any student of logic could have done the same.

Even this electronic scrambler. Simply a variation on the same mechanism...

used to change television receiver channels by remote control.

You see, you've been prepared here for almost every form of exotic attack...

but you've been absolutely wide open for anything mundane.

Yes, it does shake one up a bit...

to realize we've been at the mercy of the utility companies all this time.

- Do you know who's in there? - Well, I have a pretty good idea.

And they talked to me.

Why not.

Oh, if you'll excuse me, I must tell them to begin the conference.

Oh, I think the young lady can be released now.

Obviously, the danger is passed.

Come on.

So you don't suppose...? Do you think that I might...? I might have a job in there?

What, in this chrome and gunmetal madhouse? Isn't that what you called it?

But that was before I knew.

Besides, after a day like today...

how could I go back to a teddy bear like Walter?

Let me go. Hold it.

Looks like your boyfriend has come back to find you this time.

Your teddy bear has turned into a wild grizzly.

I would say that he put up quite a fight trying to find you.

Hey, let me out of here before they drag him off to the pokey.

How about that.

Right back through the looking glass.

Thank you.

Do you think she'll tell him what happened? Where she was and who she saw?

I'd bet on it.

I'd also bet that he won't believe a word of it.

Would you?