Original subtitles

(logo whirring)

(logo whirring) (logo chiming)

(logo chiming)

(funk music)

- Sol. - Sol.

- Sol Goode? - Yeah, I know Sol.

- Sol, Sol, Sol, Sol.

- I fucked him. I did.

- Sol Goode. - Sol Goode.

- Yeah, I know Sol.

- I don't wanna talk about Sol.

- He's an angel. - My fucking hero.

- My motherfucking man. - Sol changed my life.

- You wanna run up to him and be like,

"Who are you and let me be in your life."

- He's- - So-

- Badass, man!

- Dangerously cool. - Charisma.

- Don't get any better than the Goode.

- I think he's overrated. - He's a great man.

- He's such a- - Fucking dick.

- He's loyal as a fucking dog.

- He was a gentleman, you know what I mean?

- Sol's my dawg.

- You don't know Sol, you're in big trouble.

- Kinda like this Jack Kerouac.

- I mean, I don't actually know him, but I'd like to.

- Come to life, modern day.

- Came up to me. Said something to me.

- I feel like he knows so much.

- And he said, "Kid, we got a long way to go,"

a short time to get there."

- But- - And then I realized.

- Fucking hate him.

- Jack Kerouac and those people in "On the Road"

are fucking assholes.

- He was dating somebody else at the time.

- He calls me at 2:00 in the morning, drunk off his ass.

"What are you doing?" - I didn't really know that.

- Completely so full of it, full of it.

- And every person that I know that he's-

- That son of a bitch.

- Talked to, every girl, they're like,

"Oh, yeah, I know him, I know him, he's really nice.

- He sucks!

- I'm like, "Yeah, how long you known him?"

(man yells) - So fucking frustrating.

- What does Sol do?

- He's.

- He, uh- - Uh.

He's retired.

- He's an entrepreneur. - Some kind of actor.

- An actor. - Actor.

- He is a writer.

- He's a renaissance man.

- He babysits sometimes.

- He has no emotions whatsoever, I don't understand how

he can be an actor. - I don't know.

- I don't have a clue what the guy does.

- He does hot chicks.

- He just hangs out. - Hangs out.

- I really don't know. - I know what he should do.

- He needs to get a job and go to work

and stop harassing me.

- "And I had this two girls, man,

I didn't know what to say."

You know Sol. - Sol's a dog.

- He's just fucking this.

- He's really cute.

- Me, Sol, back at their house.

- Yeah, he's cute. - Fucking great.

- Great eyes.

- That bastard better stay away from me.

- He's so hot. - Fucking hot.

- I watch him bend down as he picks up his hair products.

- If you've ever seen him dance.

- Things he can do with his tongue.

- Just his tongue. - Slobber thing.

- He's got some moves. - Oh, my God!

- I thought, "This is it,

he is the one for me, forever."

- But-

- I still haven't heard from him.

- Haven't heard from the guy. - Days ago, I lost hope.

- Never heard from him. - He forgets to call you.

- Still hasn't fucking called me.

- Never called.

- Waiting and waiting and waiting.

- You're not gonna call me?

- And waiting and waiting. - Fuck Sol!

- I still love him. - Poser.

- I love him. - Dick!

- I love him. - Asshole.

- Sol's it. - Sol's out.

(person farting) (upbeat music)

(woman farts) (Sol gasps)

- P-O-D.

Post Orgasmic Disgust.

Happens to the best of us.

It's amazing what somebody will do

to get a person out of their bed.

I myself have mastered the art.

I have three go-tos in this situation.

The first being the old beeper trick.

(funk music)

My buddy Cooper invented it. Fucking genius.

(phone beeping)

(beeper chiming)

(Sol groans)

Who has the nerve to page me this early?

(groans) I'm sorry.

(phone beeping) (dial tone blaring)

Uh, hello?

Where am I? Where the fuck do you think I am?

It's 8:00 in the morning.

(busy signal beeping) This is Tammie.

I don't know why I keep doing this to myself.

This is what happens when you

drink and dial at 2:00 in the morning.

The only problem is, once you get her in bed,

it's impossible to get her out.

(phone chiming) Oh dude, that was today?

- We're sorry, your call- - I totally forgot.

All right, I'll be right there.

(phone beeps) (funk music)

- What's going on?

- I gotta go, I gotta go pick my brother up at the airport.

- Oh, you want me to go?

- Actually, look, it's a small car,

a lot of luggage, it's not gonna work.

- Please, Sol, don't worry, I'll just sit in the back.

I mean, don't you think it's about time

I met your family? (laughs)

(Tammie snorts) (audience gasps)

- All right, that was pretty weak.

I know I'm much better than that.

When I'm creatively stifled I can usually

count on Cooper to save the day.

(pop music) * Ooh, la-la

* Ooh, la-la

* Ooh, la-la

* Ooh, la-la (phone rings)

* Ooh, la-la

- P.O.D. Fucking Sol.

* Mmm, la-la

- [Sol] Cooper and I go back

since the eighth grade, (funk music)

which is about the same time he started shaving his chest.

There's only one thing Cooper cares about. His hair.

Otherwise known as his salad.

(tires screeching)

- Yo! (Tammie gasps)

What, did you forget what today was?

- What's today?

- It's Bubbie's funeral, dude.

We're supposed to be pallbearers.

- Who's Bubbie? - My grandmother.

That was today? - That was today.

Bubbie's about to go six feet under, dude,

and you're, what are you doing?

You should be ashamed of yourself man, come on, let's go.

- Tammie, I gotta go.

- Sol, I'm here for you.

- It's a family affair, I can't-

- [Tammie] I'm not gonna let you go through this alone.

(audience gasps)

- That was poor execution.

But when all else fails,

you have no choice but to go to old faithful.

(ominous music)

(alarm blaring)

- Fuck! Let's go people! (Tammie screams)

Let's go! Must be a fuel leakage!

Evacuate the premises immediately!

- Oh, my God, there's a fire!

- Grab everything! Don't leave anything behind!

- Let's go! Ma'am, do you have all your belongings?

- What about your earrings? - Fuck the earrings!

- Let's go people, 60 seconds!

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

(Tammie shouting)

(all shouting)

- I got it, I got it, I got it.

Get in the car, drive far, drive fast, do not stop!

I'll call you!

- Wait, you promise you'll call me?

- Promise I'll call, go!

- [Men] Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four.

- Shit, I oughta thank the Academy for that.

- Wanna go eat?

- Nah, man, I gotta go work on my salad.

You're welcome. (dog barking)

- Thanks Coop.

So what's up, man?

- All right. You know, hey, don't drink that!

Man, I hate that!

- What?

- Don't you understand that your backwash

goes back in the carton,

which then goes onto my cereal, and I end up eating it?

It's fucking disgusting!

I'd rather you just cut out the middle man

and spit in my mouth.

Oh, fuck.

- [Sol] This is my roommate Justin.

Yeah, she's a little uptight,

but you would be too if you hated your job,

were about to get married,

and suffered from Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

In English, that means.

- I gotta take a shit.

Goddammit!

- What?

- You pissed all over the toilet seat.

- You sure it's piss?

- Yes, I'm sure it's piss.

Sol, look at you.

You can't even pay the rent, dude.

Mr. Achmed is looking for you.

He said he's gonna throw us out of here.

I don't have another 700 bucks.

I can't cover you this time.

- Have I ever let you down?

- Yes.

(whimsical music)

- Don't worry about it. I've got a plan.

Uh-huh. Look, man, I gotta go.

I gotta go, I'm walking into a meeting.

- [Woman] Please! What's taking so long?

- [Man] Come on already!

- [Woman] Excuse me, I've been waiting over an hour.

- [Man] Look, I got a callback in half an hour.

- [Woman] I gotta get money in my meter!

- Let's move! - Next!

- A beautiful day isn't it, Miss Jenkins?

(people chattering faintly)

The earrings, I love the earrings, I love-

- Social security number.

- Yeah, it's, uh, 605-24-8012.

(keys clacking) (phone rings)

- Sol Goode?

- Get to know me.

- You come up with that all by yourself?

Well, I'm afraid it's not all good, Sol Goode.

Your unemployment benefits have run out.

- What? (scoffs) What do you mean they've run out?

There's gotta be some sort of mistake right?

- Mistake?

- Yeah, I'm still unemployed.

- Mm-hm.

I tell you what.

Because I like you, and only because I like you,

I'm gonna give you some advice that'll help you out.

Come here, honey.

- Talk to me.

- What you need to do is

get a J-O-B!

Next!

(whimsical music) I said next!

(bird screeches)

- I was saying I could get George Kennedy

and I could get Mitzi Russel,

or we could have the next 48 hours with what we have.

My mom wants me out of the house.

- Good morning ladies!

Bernie Best's assistant just got the axe.

- Greenberg got the axe? Who got the nod?

- You got the nod.

- I got the nod, really?

- Nah, not really.

Sax, you got the nod.

(sniffs) Pew, smells like minimum wage in here.

Later, Krispy Kreme.

(moody folk music)

(men chattering indistinctly)

- Don't drop the baby!

- Dude, relax.

- Don't drop the baby.

(phone rings) - Sol Goode?

- Yes it is. You'll do just fine.

- Sol, you still going for it?

Good for you, come on in.

- Now let's change our subject.

Change our subject. Let's change the subject!

(Sol sobs)

- [Casting Director] Sol, do you need a minute?

- No. (sniffles) Yeah, no, I'm okay.

Just, it takes so much out of you.

- [Casting Director] And that was very moving.

You blew me away.

Thank you. - No, thank you.

- But were you aware that this is a comedy?

(eerie screams)

- A comedy?

- All right, Sax, here's the deal.

Bernie Best is the angriest bitch in the business.

Average lifespan of her assistants is three weeks,

she's fired four this month alone.

What you're about to embark on is fucking brutal,

but it's the quickest way to the top.

One piece of advice, whatever you do,

make sure the Fonz is happy.

Where do you think you're going?

Come here and talk to me.

- The Fonz? (ominous music)

(eerie screams)

(door knocking)

- Come on, I shouldn't have to explain this to you.

Okay.

Where the fuck were you?

- I was just down the hall, I was-

- Tahiti?

- Am I late?

- You lucky shit!

I wanna see pictures!

Sidney, who's your favorite agent?

That's right, I am.

Do you wanna know why I am?

Oh gee, I don't know, maybe because

I've just been finagled Derivative Pictures

to hire you for their next family film.

Who gives a shit what the story's about, Sid.

I don't know, they said something

about a penguin playing shortstop.

Oh, you're not responding to that story.

Oh. No, Sid, you're responding to the paycheck!

How's that?

Do you know how lucky you are?

Sid, I'm only doing. Rob Reiner gave me that.

No one likes you!

As a person.

I'm just doing this as a favor to your wife,

then you're gone.

Okay.

All right.

Hey, okay, happy birthday.

Fucking hack!

Who are you?

- I'm Justin Sax.

I was sent here to work on your desk.

- Sax?

What kind of name is that?

You a Jew?

(air whooshes)

- Half.

- Oh, no. Oh, Christ, no!

- It's. I'm on my mother's side.

- No, Fonzie, not in the goddamn office!

(dog whimpers)

(dog panting)

Oh, that's gonna stink.

Jimmy, will you be a lamb and clean that up for me?

Okay, and give it a shot of Febreze when you're done.

- What's Febreze? (horn honking)

- Dude, I can't believe two pints of blood

gets me 30 bucks and a fucking bear claw.

Dude, I'm broke. I need money.

Coop.

The fuck you doing, man?

- Goddamn, dude.

My salad's kinda banging right now, dude.

- Aw, fuck, Coop, I'm just saying I might need a loan.

- Don't look at me fool, I don't got extra cash.

You know how much I paid for these highlights?

200 bucks.

- You're unbelievable.

- Don't be jealous.

(people chattering faintly)

(pop rock music) - Here you go, ma'am.

(woman laughing) (people chattering faintly)

- Miss!

Miss!

Excuse me, miss?

- Yes?

- I've been sitting here for 10 minutes,

and I don't have a menu yet.

- Actually, I'm not your waitress, but I will go get her.

- Excuse me, before you disappear for another 10 minutes,

can I just get something to drink?

- Sure. What can I get you?

- An LA Skylight.

- What's that?

- Half iced tea, half lemonade,

the iced tea represents the smog,

the lemonade is for the sun.

- I think that's called an Arnold Palmer.

- Whatever, I don't play tennis.

- Bitch.

(Chloe hawks phlegm)

- [Sal] This is my best friend Chloe.

No, it's not like that at all, we're just friends.

It's always been like that.

Probably 'cause she doesn't take any of my shit.

Or anybody else's. (pop rock music)

- Finally.

- What's up, guys?

- Sup? - Hey, Chloe, how you doing?

- I just love being a waitress, you know,

just to be given the opportunity to serve people.

It's really quite fulfilling, it's a gift.

- I feel you, I personally love being unemployed

and living off of my parents, it's so rewarding.

- All right, cut the tomfoolery, I'm starving.

- What can I get you, Coop?

- I'm gonna go with Pam Anderson's double-breasted chicken.

Well done.

- I'll have the Ricky Martin tossed salad.

- Two lemonades?

- Absolutely, hold the loogies.

- Are you wearing eyeliner, man? (chuckles)

- Not in this lifetime.

- What?

- Dude, it looks like you're wearing eyeliner.

- Is it obvious?

(moody folk music)

- Changed the locks.

(man chattering indistinctly) (TV blaring)

(people moaning)

- He's headed to third. - I'm going to third!

- [Commentator On TV] Yes, looks like he's going home.

- [Man] I'm going home! I'm sliding into home!

(woman screaming)

- Honey? You okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

- You sure?

(eerie shrieking) (woman moaning)

Yes! - No!

- Sweetheart, what's wrong?

- Mom, I gotta talk to you.

- Yes?

- Is there any way I could.

Look, look, I'll pay you back, I swear to God,

I'm just a little short on rent.

- How short?

- A midget. - Oh, honey.

I'm sure your father's offer still stands.

- Come on, Mom.

I can't be an umpire.

- Why not?

Your father was an umpire, your grandfather was an umpire.

You'd be great at it, it's in your blood.

- No way, Mom, it's humiliating.

I just need a little help.

- No!

- Dad!

Dad, you don't even know what we're talking about.

(ominous music)

- You don't think I became an umpire

by being stupid, do you?

I think it's time we had a sit down.

- A sit down?

Look, I don't have time for a sit down,

I gotta be somewhere soon, Dad, I-

- Where you gotta be?

You don't have a job.

You don't have a woman.

You don't have squat.

We're having a sit down.

(camera flashing)

What are you doing with yourself?

- Dad, you know what I'm doing.

Why do we always have to have this talk?

- Why do I have to pay your rent every month?

You know, Sol, this acting thing

has gone a little bit too far,

as a matter of fact it has gone nowhere.

- Dad, I mean, you gotta understand,

this sort of thing, it doesn't happen overnight.

It takes time- - Look, Sol,

there comes a time in every man's life

when he has to give up foolish fantasies

and face certain realities.

The truth is you're not fucking Paul Newman!

And as far as that parental scholarship

you've been riding on?

It is now officially over.

- Dad, you can't do this to me,

I just need a little time- - Honey,

I've just had a terrific idea.

You should get a part on "Friends,"

you'd be great on that show.

- Oh, that's a good idea.

Why didn't I think of that?

Just go out and get a part on "Friends."

I'm gonna go guys. - No, listen,

before you leave, there's something else we wanted to say.

(Dad sighs) Um,

you know that your father and I

love you more than life itself.

And you know that you can talk to us about anything.

- Of course.

- Well, (sighs) your father and I were wondering,

if you were a little

curious?

- Curious as to what the hell you're talking about.

- Son.

Do you sit down when you pee?

- (chuckles) Wait, what, do you guys think I'm-

- No, no, no, honey, no, I mean, look,

we love you, whatever you are.

Unconditional love.

It's just that we think it's a little strange

that you've never had a girlfriend.

- Look, I've been with plenty of girls.

Just 'cause I've never had a girlfriend

doesn't mean I'm gay.

- That's not what I've heard.

- Dad.

- You were a George Michael fan.

(ominous music)

- He does have a point.

- Well, it was just a phase I went through.

Are you gonna hold it against me forever?

- All right, all right, it's not about

the fact that you were into George Michael,

which is sad enough as it is,

it's the fact that you're like 27, dude,

and you haven't been in a relationship

for more than 20 minutes.

Why do you think that is?

- You think I have a problem?

- Slightly.

- Okay, you're the psych major,

you think I have a problem, enlighten me.

- All right, happy to.

First of all, you have a fear of any kind of commitment,

I mean, you're the biggest narcissist I know,

besides Cooper, and you've built a barrier

that keeps you from feeling anything intimate.

I mean, how do you think you're ever gonna self-transcend?

- Self-transcend? (chuckles)

Did you learn that in class today?

- Yeah, actually, I did.

- Okay, I think we should wait till you graduate

before you start psychoanalyzing my life.

I mean, when did you become

so knowledgeable in relationships?

When was the last one you were in?

A functional one that is.

- Ah. (chuckles nervously)

Listen, I'll admit, I've had my share of losers.

Least I'm not afraid to try.

- (scoffs) What are you trying to say?

- I think you know what I'm trying to say.

(moody rock music) - Really?

* There's no coming back from where we've been *

* You're saying different people change, get it *

* What's the point in leadin', you find out like that *

* Yeah

* Well this is something that they don't advise *

* Communication is the only relation *

* So why did I find out like that *

* Yeah

- Dude, why does Brenda have a say in everything you do?

Can't you get off lockdown for one night?

- Come on, Sol, turn the page.

- No, it's ridiculous.

I mean, she won't even let you go out with your friends.

She fucking owns you.

Where's your sack?

Dude, I don't even know you anymore.

I mean, your woman, she runs your show.

- You gotta stop talking shit, dude!

All right? I'm marrying this girl in six months.

(phone beeps)

You are my best man, she's my best girl, okay?

(siren blaring in distance) Accept it.

(Sol sighs deeply)

- All right, you're right.

I'm sorry.

It's just between the job and Brenda,

we never get to hang out anymore.

When was the last time we spent

some quality time together, huh?

- I don't know.

- Go take off your skirt.

Let's live a little, man.

(grinder whirring) (hip hop music)

* It's Friday night on the streets of LA *

* I'm going out 'cause I've been working at the job all day *

* Got the info line number, with directions to the site *

* Ugly Duckling's on the bill to rock the mic right *

* Tonight, I gotta be hype, and get the crowd reacting *

* I call Dizzy's house he says

* What's up * I say what's happening

* Get my DJ on three way

* Don't forget to bring the guest list *

* See the freshest, off the wall like asbestos *

* I rock without the D tops

* Walk without the Reebok's

* Talk until the beat stops

* I take it back up with the beatbox *

* And yo, I gotta ride, so you need not *

* Cool, I'm leavin' at 7:30, we can caravan to the jam *

* With Einstein, the two hand man *

* In command like a general

* Lighter then a dinner roll

* Solid as a mineral

* Open like a centerfold

- Dude, this is some fucking.

Booyah! (laughs)

(door knocking)

- Oh fuck.

(Justin laughs)

- That's the fucking landlord. (laughs)

I'm gonna take a shower.

- That's not the landlord.

- Dude, open up.

Quit messing around and let me in the door. (chuckles)

- Cousin Happy?

Oh shit!

I knew that was you!

Ah.

Look at you, man.

- You look good. - You look like a movie star.

(men chuckle) (moody western music)

So what are you doing in town, man?

- Well, me and my lady decided to take a time-out.

- You guys broke up?

- No, I didn't say we broke up,

I said we took a time-out.

- What's the difference?

- Well, see, a time-out is just a break.

It's a reevaluation process

with the hopes of getting back together.

- So you got a hall pass. Are you gonna use it?

- Oh, I don't know, I'm not planning on it. (chuckles)

What about you, Sol, yous got a lady yet?

- No, no, no, not yet.

- Oh! What's up? (laughs)

- Are you kidding me, Coop? You're not gonna wear that.

- Yeah, I'm fucking wearing this.

See who gets all the fucking pussy tonight.

- Where'd you get that shirt, Baby Gap?

- Don't be jealous, motherfucker,

I'm taking this shit to the stage tonight.

- Oh, God. (chuckles) - Cooper?

- Happy! What's up, dude?

- What's up? - Right there, dude.

Bam. - All right.

How you been?

- I've been good, how you been?

- Been good.

What's up with the blue hair?

- Let's cut the small talk, let me see that thing.

- What thing?

- Heard you got a Duraflame, brother.

Let me see it.

- You wanna see my pecker?

- I ain't gay, Hap, I fuck models only. Okay?

Just been hearing about that thing since high school,

and I wanna see what I'm up against.

Come on.

Bust it out.

Come on. - All right.

(chuckles) All right, sit down.

Now don't get scared.

- Yeah right. (belt buckle jingles)

(zipper zips)

(whimsical music) (explosion booming)

(western music)

Fuck.

Who are you, dude?

- [Sol] Yeah, I'd be happy too,

if I was packing that kind of heat.

- Holy shit! (hip hop music)

* Fuck the police, comin' straight from the underground *

* A young nigga got it bad

* 'Cause I'm brown

* And not the other color so police think *

* They have the authority to kill a minority *

* Fuck that shit, 'cause I ain't the one *

* For a punk motherfucker with a badge and a gun *

* To be beatin' on, and thrown in jail *

* We can go toe to toe in the middle of a cell *

* Fuckin' with me cause I'm a teenager *

* With a little bit of gold and a pager *

* Searchin' my car

* Lookin' for the product (horn honking)

(brakes screeching)

- What the fuck, dude? - What are you doing?

- That was Brenda.

- So? - So what?

- I gotta go back and say hi.

- No you don't, dude, you just saw her an hour ago.

(engine revving) (eerie music)

- Hey, poo-poo.

- Where are you going, Justin?

I'm on my way to your house.

I thought we were gonna rent "Titanic" tonight.

- Is she fucking for real?

- Uh, I think we might go catch a drink or something.

- Oh.

Well, I wanna catch a drink.

- That'll never happen.

(eerie music)

- Have fun with your girlfriends, Justin.

(engine revving)

- No, poo-poo, we're just gonna.

(Brenda growls) - That's Brenda.

I think her face says it all.

- No, poo-poo, we're just gonna.

(tires screeching) Love you.

Thanks, guys.

- Please, dude, we just did you a favor.

(electronica music) (people chattering faintly)

- Dude, your cousin's hat's killing me right now.

- Take a look at his boots, you won't even notice the hat.

- Miss, well, howdy.

Howdy. (indistinct)

- [Cooper] What's up?

- Yee-haw. (chuckles) - Hey, partner.

- Howdy. - (laughs) Howdy.

You look like a real cowboy.

- Why don't you come with us

and show us how the west was hung?

- You got a big head. (women giggling)

- Must be my lucky hat.

- I don't even think that was a good rap, did you?

- Coop, he didn't even open his mouth.

- Poo-poo, listen to me! I didn't wanna come!

No, they made me come. Of course I love you.

- [Brenda] I don't believe you!

- [Women] Ready for a blowjob, cowboy?

- Yee! - No hands, girls.

(woman shrieks) - Can't fit in my mouth!

(women moaning) (Happy laughs)

- Bam!

You need Therapy, Thursday nights.

- Bye bye. - Bam!

- Therapy, I know, got it.

Peace.

- I don't know, I just wanna be taken seriously, you know?

Like a cross between Ricky Martin

with that sensuality, you know, that bon-bon,

and Fred Durst with the business sense.

But the new shit I'm doing,

we're called the Dirty Underwear Brothers,

my brother programs the beats,

I'm the lyricalist. (vocalizes)

You know, it's like NSYNC

meets fucking Kid, Kid Rock in a dark alley.

- Oh, dude, look. Dude.

Fuck.

Dude, you know who that is?

I think that's the chick from the Diesel ads.

- [Sol] I think you're right.

- No, dude, I know I'm right.

Fuck, she's hot.

Oh, did you see that?

She was just peeping my shit right there, did you see that?

- Yeah, she was peeping you.

- You ready to see dawg dial that in?

- Do your business. - I will.

Mm! She's fine, dude.

All right, come here, talk to me.

Telegram a serious conversation.

How's my salad?

- It's bangin', you kidding me?

- Banging? - Yes.

- All right. - Go!

- I'm going. - Go!

- You had me at hello.

- Did I say hello to you?

- No, but you still had me.

- Has anyone ever told you you look like Brad Pitt?

- No.

- Good. 'Cause you don't.

(women laughing)

- Nice shirt. - Love the hair.

(women laughing)

- I'll call you.

- (chuckles) It's really weird that you bring up nightmares.

'Cause in my class, we were talking about dreams

and what they- - Oh shit!

I didn't tell you about my motherfucking dreams!

Oh, my God, oh God, oh fuck.

I get this one recurring dream,

that I'm being recruited by a boy band, you know?

(groans) Fuck.

And as initiation,

they make me sit on a block of ice.

Buck-fucking-naked.

My nuts are like two little lonely fucking raisins.

And right before, you know the cute one with the braids

who's like, uh, has got that, you know what I'm saying?

That boy sticks his finger in my butt.

(Chloe chuckles nervously) I, uh, kinda wake up

with a hard-on.

- Wow.

- [Man] I'm really confused, you know?

Do you know what that means?

- Mm-mm. - Chloe, Chloe, Chloe,

I've been looking all over for you.

The lady from the adoption agency, she called,

they found your biological parents.

From Arizona. - Oh! Oh, my God.

Arizona! - Yeah.

- I'm so sorry, I have to deal with this.

- Oh, shh. No, no, no, no, I was adopted too.

- That's sad - We gotta go.

- I really have to go deal with this.

I will call you. - Sorry. (indistinct)

- Good luck, you know? - I'm so sorry.

- Where'd you find that wetter?

- (sighs) I don't even wanna get into it.

(soft pop music) (horn honks)

Why can't I find a guy who isn't romantically retarded?

I mean, someone who will charm the pants off me,

instead of asking me to take them off myself.

I can do that alone.

- I thought you didn't wanna get into this.

- Well, I didn't, but you asked.

I mean, I don't need a lot, you know?

I don't need like a dozen roses.

I just need someone who will pick me

a daisy every once in a while, you know?

And it wouldn't hurt if he had a job.

I don't care if he works at Taco Bell, you know?

As long as he works.

And (chuckles)

looks good in a suit.

And can ride a skateboard and make me laugh.

When I look into his eyes, you know, I just wanna,

I want that thing, you know, I wanna feel, I wanna become

dreamy.

- Dreamy? (laughs) Wow.

- Dude, you'd think after the third fucking date

this guy would know the color of my eyes, you know?

What color are my eyes, Sol?

- Depends on what time of day it is.

In the day, they're like this light blue with orange tint.

At night, they're like this grayish blue,

and it depends on what kind of mood you're in.

When you're mad, (chuckles)

they're like these cat eyes, these weird cat eyes.

- That's what I'm talking about.

- What?

(Chloe clears throat)

- What?

(horn honks in distance) (Chloe chuckles nervously)

- Come here, Tiger. (chuckles)

- Oh, this is comfortable.

(electronica music)

- Shit.

Hey, where's Justin?

- Uh, he's in the back.

- Oh, my God, ugh!

I am gonna kick his ass!

Hey, what are you doing?

Weren't you wondering where I was?

- Of course I was wondering where you were.

Where you been? - I wanna go.

- Brenda, you just got here.

- I know, and now I wanna go!

- I'm having fun.

- Well, congratulations!

Justin, look, I'm having my period.

Don't be difficult.

- No, you can't do that.

- What?

- Last week, you were PMSing, this week you're on your rag?

You can't be a bitch two weeks out of the month.

I can't tolerate it.

If you're gonna use your period card one week,

you can't use your PMS card the next week.

It's not fair! It's one or the other!

- You're so cute.

I love it when you get mad.

I'll tell you what, if we go right now,

I'll let you do anything you want to me.

- But you just said you were on your period.

- I know.

Today was my last day.

- Anything?

- Anything.

(hip hop music)

I feel like I'm 10 years old.

- Mmm. That's the point, baby.

You like sucking on that lolly?

- Yeah. - Mmm.

Say it.

- Daddy, I finished all my homework.

- Did you eat all your vegetables today, baby?

- Yes. - Hmm.

And what's daddy's number one rule?

- Don't tell Mommy?

- (moans) Good girl.

Good little girl.

- You're a pervert. - I know.

- Wait, sweetie, did you brush your teeth?

- Of course.

- Did you wash your hands?

- Oh, come on, Brenda.

- Poo-poo, you know if you're gonna touch me,

I need your hands to be clean.

(rock music)

- You like do you? - Uh-huh.

(both moaning) (both giggling)

- I'm gonna cum. - Not in me!

- Come on, Brenda, please?

- No, I said no. - Just once.

- No. No.

- Okay, baby. Okay.

All right, I'll pull out.

- No, no, no, not on me.

- Come on, Brenda, please.

Just this once. - No. No.

- You're killing me. Okay, I'm just gonna-

- Not near me!

- Not in me, not on me, not near me?

What I'm gonna do?

- What if we don't cum at all, poo-poo?

Huh? Huh?

- What?

Oh, God. (Brenda shouts)

Oh, God! - Oh no!

(Justin moaning) (Brenda groaning)

(machine beeps)

- [Mr. Achmed] Sir, this is Mr. Achmed!

You owe money very much for rent!

If you do not pay- - Fuck off.

(machine beeps)

- Angie.

(upbeat music) (phone beeps)

Angie, Sol. What are you doing?

So I guess you're in for the night, huh?

Katie, Sol. What are you doing?

Really?

Chyna, it's Sol, pick up, you there?

I know you're there, pick up.

Hey, Jenny, it's Sol, what are you doing?

Oh he is?

Okay, bye.

- [Sol Voiceover] Call her. Yo, dude, just call her.

Why not? Come on, call her.

Tammie is not an option. No, no!

Fuck it. (phone beeping)

(phone rings)

- [Tammie] Hello?

- Hey, Tammie, what are you doing?

Look, getting laid was the last thing on my mind, all right?

I'm too tired.

Jesus.

I just wanted to talk.

(both moaning)

- So what do you wanna talk about?

- Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop.

(Tammie sighs) Don't stop!

What? - Can't believe you, Sol.

You're never gonna change.

- What are you talking about?

- Sol, you just don't get it.

You've never taken me out, you only call me

at like 2:00 in the morning, I'm sick of it!

You treat me like some cheap hooker!

I wanna be taken out!

- I've taken you out.

- When? You name one time that you've taken me out.

- We went to the movies once.

- That doesn't count, I ran into you at the movies.

- Yeah, but we sat together.

- Look, until you take me on a proper date,

I don't wanna know you.

- All right, fine, you wanna go out on a date?

Let's go, right now!

- It's 3:00 in the morning, give me a break!

- All right.

You wanna go out on a date?

Let's do it.

- When?

- Be here tomorrow at 8:00.

(pop rock music) (Chole scoffs)

- You cannot be seen in public with her.

- (scoffs) Don't you think I know this?

- I've got one word for you.

Schlomo's.

- Schlomo's? (laughs)

My grandparents go to Schlomo's.

- Dude, exactly, but you take her to the one in the valley,

then nobody sees you.

- Right.

See? That's why I love you.

Oh boy.

Cooper has arrived, ladies and gentlemen!

What do you got, Coop?

- I've got such a bangover.

I fucked the hottest chick on the planet last night.

I might end up marrying this girl.

- Dude, you hit that shit the first night

and you think she's wife material?

- Chloe, if you knew the route I took,

coulda hit you too.

- Uh, doubtful.

- Anyway, I went with the I was abused as a child route.

Shit works every time.

They see you're sensitive, vulnerable,

and a little mysterious, 'cause you got a fucked up past.

(Sol chuckles) It's all in there.

I might have to marry this chick

just to wake up to her name.

Treasure.

- Treasure who?

- Just Treasure.

She's a one-namer.

- You mean the chick on the Diesel billboards?

- That's right.

- The chick that denied you last night?

- They don't call me the Comeback Kid for nothing.

- You're right, they just don't call you at all.

- You don't believe me?

(sniffs) Smell that.

- Ew! - Oh, my God!

- What?

- Cooper.

You're claiming the Diesel chick?

- Yeah.

- You're gonna need proof of purchase on this one.

- Proof of purchase?

I'll get you proof of purchase tonight.

- Happy! What happened to you last night?

- [Cooper] Look at fucking Diggler.

How you hitting 'em, player?

- Hi.

- Did you get what you deserved last night?

- What? (chuckles) - Did you kill it?

- I think what he's trying to say is

did you get any last night?

- Oh.

I don't really kiss and tell.

- Did you fucking (mumbles) last night?

A little bit of na-na-na-na right there?

A little na-na-na-na-na?

- Dude, Cooper, what, you like 40?

Would you grow up already?

Jesus Christ, Happy, I'm sorry.

You know, these guys, they really don't get any,

so when they do, they don't kiss and tell,

they kiss and yell.

- Shit, I get more ass than a toilet seat

at the Lilith Fair.

(phones ringing) - Bernie Best's office,

can you please hold?

Bernie Best's office, can you please hold?

Bernie Best's office, can you please hold?

Sol, I'm working. Why don't you try it sometime?

Yeah, call me later.

Bernie Best's office, thank you for holding.

Oh, hey, Sid.

Hold on, let me see if I can get her.

Sid on line one! - Speak to Regina!

- Sid on line one!

- I said no!

- Sid?

Yeah, she's stuck in the canyons right now,

can I take a message?

- I'll have my boy call you.

- Okay, bye.

Thank you for holding.

Oh, hey, Mr. Stone, hold on one second.

Oliver Stone on three!

- I gotta go, I'll talk to you later.

Oliver!

Hi!

Hey, what's the good word, my friend?

Of course I read your script.

You know what, let me get my notes, okay?

Hold on one sec.

Jimmy! Jimmy!

- Yeah?

- I need coverage on the script

I gave you to read last night.

- It flowed really well, really memorable characters,

definite actor's piece, uh, fantastic read.

- Oliver?

First of all,

can I just tell you, (phone rings)

I can't remember the last time

I read a script that flowed this smoothly.

It was brilliant, brilliant!

And the characters, I mean talk about memorable, please!

Yes.

And I sobbed.

I sob, no, I know it's a comedy, I sobbed from laughing.

- Can we reschedule for tomorrow?

- Yes. Who do I think would be good for the lead?

Uh, great question.

- Uh, no, Denzel's not available today.

Can we reschedule for tomorrow?

- Denzel!

Denzel Washington needs something like this, Oliver!

He would.

Of course I know the character's Vietnamese.

But come on, you know Denzel, he's like a chameleon.

What do you think?

Oliver?

(dial tone blares) Hello?

Oh, fuck! Jimmy!

Why did you say Denzel,

when you knew the goddamn character was a gook?

- No, I didn't say Den-

- You made me look like a fucking idiot!

- No, I didn't say Denzel.

I mean, I said Denzel, but I mean Denzel for rescheduling.

- Shut it, okay? Shut it, don't speak.

All right, don't even breathe!

(phone rings) (sighs) Which reminds me.

The Fonz has chronic halitosis

and it's making me nauseous, okay?

Now I don't wanna smell either one of you

until the situation is taken care of.

I'm talking about you!

You got a foul mouth.

Get it done. (baby crying)

(people chattering faintly) (phone rings)

- [Casting Director] Summer? You're up.

- This is what you do every day?

I could get used to this.

- Happy, not right now, I'm trying to concentrate,

I need to book this.

- Buddy, relax, it's just a commercial.

- Sol Goode, you're up.

- Yeah. Wish me luck.

- [Happy] Good luck.

- Sol, are you here for the Mentos commercial?

- Sure am.

- Hmm, I think you might be too old.

Um, Blakley Simms, you're up.

(western music)

Are you here for the Levi's commercial?

- Me? - No, you.

- Uh, no, I'm here waiting on my cousin Sol.

- Not anymore, you're coming in on Levi's.

Yippee-ki-yi-yay.

- There was dialogue?

What was it for?

- Levi's.

- (scoffs) A fucking Levi's commercial?

With dialogue? (horn honking)

So how do you think you did?

- Psst, I don't know.

He said I bookered it.

- You fucking booked it?

- [Happy] Apparently.

- Fuck! (siren blaring)

- Are you mad?

- No, I'm not mad. I'm psyched for you.

You've been in this town five fucking minutes,

you're already booking commercials, I'm fucking happy!

I think that's fucking great!

- Yeah, you know what, he got lucky. You know, it happens.

- It doesn't happen, all right? Not to me.

Maybe I suck.

Chloe, do I suck?

- No.

I mean, I haven't really seen you in that much,

but I'm sure you're great.

- You'd tell me if I suck though right?

- Of course.

- (sighs) Maybe my dad's right,

maybe I should just give it up.

- Well, have you ever thought about doing anything else?

- (scoffs) I don't know what else I would do.

(phone rings) Hold on.

(phone beeps) Hello?

Yeah, yeah, I'll hold.

It's my agent, maybe I booked.

Please, God, please!

Hey! George!

No, no, listen, I knew it was a comedy,

(stammers) I just, I want to go the other way with it,

I wanted to show my range.

You know.

Look, come on, man, I know it's been a few years,

gimme a chance.

Okay.

(Sol sighs) - What's up?

- I just got dropped by my agent. I'm losing my house.

- And there goes your car.

- No!

No, no!

Hey!

Hey! No!

Fuck!

(moody folk music)

- Oh, hey, what's this?

- Nothing.

- What are you doing? - What?

- Put down the bong.

I know you don't wanna hear it,

but you have to face it,

you just can't keep running away from everything.

God, you've got more potential than anyone I know.

Everything you want is right in front of you,

all you have to go is go out and get it, you know,

but you just expect everything to come to you,

and you know what, that is not how life works.

- Chloe, that's fucking bullshit, all right?

I'm out there busting my ass-

- Busting your ass?

Right, 'cause your biggest responsibility

every day is where to eat lunch,

or how to get a girl out of your bed?

I gotta go.

- What do you mean go?

We're having a discussion, let's finish.

- (sighs) I would love to finish this,

but I have to get to work.

(Sol scoffs) (melancholy music)

(Sol exhales deeply)

- What else could possibly go wrong?

(door knocking)

(Tammie chuckling) (rock music)

* Fall out my cage

* Gonna rattle my cage

* Gonna break free, falling

- This ride's pretty sweet huh? Huh?

Few promotional stops once in a while

and this baby, woo, is as good as mine.

I might be able to hook you up.

- No, I'm good.

- Okay. Cool, D.

- Sol?

Hey, Sol!

Sol. Sol!

- Sol, I think that girl knows you.

- Angie.

- Whose car is that?

- Uh.

It's my friend Tammie's.

- Hi. - Oh, hey.

- Call me.

(tires screech)

- Actually, I just gotta make a quick stop.

- Stop?

A stop? No, we don't have time for a stop.

- (groans) It'll only take two seconds.

It's right up here.

(crowd clamoring)

- Hey, hey, hey, what's up everybody?

This is Spider and you are back in The Web!

We're out here in Los Angeles again,

another Red Bull Undercover.

You know the dealio, any minute now

a major rock band's gonna hit the stage.

I don't know who it is, you don't know who it is.

Maybe some of these crazy people know who it is.

Huh? Anybody know? (car honks)

Oh, is that the band?

No, no, no, that is Red Bull,

supplying a very unneeded energy boost to these rapid fans.

Let's see what our little sponsor knows.

- [Tammie] Two seconds, I'll be right back.

- What are you talking about, we gotta go!

- Excuse me, excuse me! - Tammie, what are you doing?

- Who wants a Red Bull? (crowd clamoring)

Come and get it!

Here you go, Red Bull!

Here's your Red Bull! You want the Red Bull?

- Want some of that?

Want some of that right there?

Want that right there?

That right there? - Excuse me, Mr. Red Bull.

Excuse me, excuse me, sir,

do you know who the band is

or where the band is? - I don't know anything.

- He doesn't know much, he's a little shy.

- Holy shit!

(Tammie shouts indistinctly)

(phone rings) - Hello?

- [Cooper] What are you doing wearing my shirt, bitch?

- What? - You heard me.

I thought you had dinner with your grandparents tonight.

- I am, I'm with them right now.

- Don't lie to me, fool,

you're going public with Tammie right now.

- How do you know?

- [Cooper] How do I know? I'm watching you on TV.

(window knocks) - What?

No! No, no, no.

- And for all those people that aren't watching,

I might just have to hit record.

"Proof of purchase"?

I got your proof of purchase, dawg.

Bye bye. - Wait!

Wait!

(Sol sighs) (phone beeps)

Oh, shit!

(people chattering faintly) (soft music)

- There you are. - Hey, Happy, what's up?

- What are you studying?

- Uh, Freud's psychosexual stages.

- Oh, I'm not even gonna ask.

(both chuckle)

Well, I'll let you get back to your studying.

- You know what, I've had enough studying for one day.

Do you wanna grab a drink or something?

- Sure. - All right.

- Love a drink. (both chuckle)

- Hi, welcome to Schlomo's.

Uh, have you decided what.

(chuckles) Oh, hi.

- Hi. - Hi. (chuckles)

What's up? Oh! (chuckles)

Dude! (clears throat)

What can I get for you, ma'am?

- Um.

What's the best thing on the menu?

- Uh, well, I mean, I really like these.

The.

The uh, gefilte fish.

- Ew, fish.

- Oh, you don't like fish, I don't like fish either.

- God man, we're on a date.

- Yeah, exactly. (chuckles) Sorry.

How about the chicken, you like chicken?

- [Tammie] Hm-mm, I don't do meat. Mm-mm.

- Chicken schnitzel is great- - No, I don't do meat.

No, no meat. - Oh, all right.

Well, look. - Uh-uh.

Um, I'll just have.

I'll have a long island iced tea.

- Okay, coming right up.

And for you, sir?

Dude, Sol?

Sol Goode?

- Hey, uh, Murphy, right?

- Yeah man.

Man, you and Cooper, man, you,

you fucked my sister, dude, on the 50-yard line, dude.

You remember?

Dude, Nicole the Hole.

- Yeah, right, uh, how's she doing?

- She rockin', dude, rockin'.

she's on the scene, dude, looking clean.

So what are you doing on this side of the hill?

What are you doing in the valley, Sol?

- Uh, just getting a bite to eat.

- Shoo. (laughs)

Well what, (clears throat) what can I get for you?

- Uh.

I think I'll have the brisket.

- Brisket? Cool, bro.

Brisket and long island iced tea?

Dude, this guy is my hero, bro.

Fucked my sister. (chuckles)

(Tammie chuckles) (exotic acoustic guitar music)

(pop music) * Ooh, la-la

* Ooh, la-la

* Ooh, la-la

* Ooh, la-la

* Ooh, la-la

- Go ahead, you can touch it. (hip hop music)

- God, your chest is so smooth.

- Yeah, you like that, don't you?

- Mm-hm. - Yeah, I bet you do.

(Treasure laughs) Don't be scared,

I'm not gonna bite you.

(both growling playfully)

Oh, shit!

Go for it, touch a little more.

- Oh, baby. - Touch my nipple.

(Treasure laughs) Seriously,

I'm not fucking around,

touch my nipple. - What?

You're so forward.

- I know I am. (Treasure laughs)

(pill bottle pops)

- What was that?

- Just a little party in a pill, girl.

Starts with a V ends with an A.

You do the math.

- Virginia?

- No.

- [Treasure Voiceover] V, V, V, V. Um, Visa?

- [Cooper Voiceover] How am I gonna get proof of purchase?

- [Treasure Voiceover] Vice-versa.

- [Cooper Voiceover] How are you gonna be proof of purchase?

- Viola? - Proof of purchase?

- Vagina! - Proof of purchase.

(tires screeching)

(camera clicking) (camera flashes)

(horn honking)

- What are you doing, you freak?

- What?

I don't know, I'm sorry,

I'm sorry, I was just fucking around.

- Oh, my God, you know what? Just take me home.

Just take me home, all right?

- Fuck.

- To Sol. (soft music)

- To Sol, maybe he'll get his shit together.

- Yeah.

(patrons laughing)

(Chloe sighs) Woo!

(both chuckling)

- You feeling that?

- Yeah, you want more?

- Why not. - Let's go.

(straw slurping)

- Mm!

Listen, Sol, I really need to talk to you about something.

I mean I think it's time that we

started reevaluating our relationship.

- Wait, wait, Tammie, hold on, before you say anything,

I have something I want to talk to you about.

- No, Sol, please, just let me finish.

I really think that we should be,

well, I mean, I think I want us to be.

Well.

Fuck partners.

(Sol clears throat) (Sol chuckles nervously)

- Say what?

- You know, FTF, friends that fuck.

- Wait, Tammie, I'm confused.

Last night, you were- - I know, I know, I know.

Last night, I gave you an ultimatum,

but I was just testing you.

I wanted to see if you'd show me

the respect to taking me out.

Well, Sol, you stepped up to the plate.

So, what do you think about

non-meaningful sexual relationship?

- Wow.

That's very flattering, but, uh,

I gotta be honest with you.

I don't want something that isn't meaningful anymore.

In fact, (chuckles)

I want something much deeper than that.

- That's great, Sol.

But do you wanna hear about deeper?

I'm gonna get up right now,

and I'm gonna go into the handicap stall

in the women's bathroom,

and if you know what's good for you,

you're gonna be right behind me.

(funk music)

Give it to me, Sol!

Harder!

Just shut up and fuck me!

Rape on me! Rape on me!

(phone rings) (Sol sighs)

- Hello? - I'll be right back.

- Hey. - Hey, Sol.

I'm sorry if I went a little hard on you today.

- No, no, don't apologize, thank you, I needed it.

You're never gonna believe what happened tonight.

I took Tammie out on a date, right?

She starts saying how she wants to take it

to the next level.

Then out of left field,

she says she just wants to be fuck partners.

And Chloe, you're gonna be so proud of me.

I turned her down.

Said I wasn't doing that anymore.

- All right, baby steps.

- No, you don't understand, I get it.

I mean, I get what you were saying today.

I feel invigorated, like starting my life over.

You're gonna see, tomorrow,

is gonna be the beginning of a brand new Sol.

- I like your enthusiasm,

but can we continue this conversation tomorrow?

- How come?

- Well, I'm just, I'm kinda with somebody right now

and it's a little rude to be talking on the phone.

- Who are you with?

- I'm with Happy.

- Happy?

What are you doing with him?

- I'm just getting a drink, man.

- When did you guys start hanging out?

- (chuckles) Tomorrow, Sol.

(phone beeps) (Sol sighs)

(dog barking)

(bell tolls) - Rise and shine, L.A.!

Get on up, we got a beautiful day going!

(alarm buzzes)

(upbeat music)

- Oh yeah.

(water burbling) (sharpener whirring)

- Okay, did you bring along a resume?

- Sure did.

- What's this? - It's the resume.

It's on the back.

- "Return of the Surf Nazis 4," huh?

Well, besides that,

do you have any previous work experience?

- You mean like a real job?

- No, like a pretend job.

- Um. No.

- No? Nothing at all?

- (scoffs) No.

(phone rings)

- All right, well then what are you qualified for?

- What aren't I qualified for?

I mean, I can pretty much do anything.

- Are you proficient with computer programming?

- (chuckles) You got me on that one,

that's like the one thing I can't do.

- How about clerical work? - What's that exactly?

- Typing?

- (chuckles) You got me on that one too.

I'm not a great typer.

- (sighs) Okay, you know what, uh,

we're not starting off so good here.

Do you have any special skills?

- Yeah, it's on the resume.

- Besides hacky sack and accents?

Okay, it says you're good at golf.

You like to golf? - Love golf.

(clubs swinging) (golf balls banging)

Ow, fuck.

(golf balls banging) Okay!

- So what happened, Mr. Goode?

- Uh, just, um,

just didn't work out.

- Well, it's too bad Bill Gates is still running Microsoft

or I'd give him a call.

What else you got here on your ol' special skills?

Okay, it says you're good at cycling.

- I grew up on a bike, I mean, 10-speed, BMX, you name it.

I can ride anything.

I'm the master cyclist.

(bike bell rings)

(glass shatters) (dog barking)

(cat yelps)

(Sol groans) (children laughing)

- Well, congratulations, you win first prize.

We've had more complaints about you

than any other person this month.

You know, we have a retarded man named Andy

who has worked here steadily for 12 years

and had not had one complaint.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

- Yeah. - All right. (sighs)

Let's look on the magic special skills thing

and see what else we got.

Character work.

You're good at character work, huh?

- Yeah, I mean, uh,

I don't wanna toot my own horn,

but I'm somewhat of a method actor.

I can pretty much dive into any character.

- Well, let's see one,

and let's see a little character called I can keep a job.

How about that character?

That's a character I'd like to see.

Now something just came in and I'm gonna give it to you

'cause I like you.

I've got a job on a set of a movie, how does that sound?

- Yeah.

- Good, do you have your hepatitis shots?

(machinery whirring) (upbeat music)

- Sol?

Did you book? I booked, you book?

Good job, man.

- Stop it. (dog grumbling)

Stop it! Stop, come on, that's disgusting.

(dog growling) Stop it!

Fonzie! - Jimmy?

Jimmy!

- Were you talking to me?

- Yes, moron, I'm talking to you.

- I'm sorry, I usually respond to Justin.

- "I'm sorry, I usually respond to Justin."

No, asshole, you respond to me. Okay?

Now, Jimmy, why don't you tell everybody

what you learned today?

- That I should check to see if the clients

would like something to drink?

- And did you do that?

No.

- No.

- Ask 'em!

- Would you gentlemen like something to drink?

- H2O's fine.

- Is the water coming in by itself?

Now go get the water!

(rock music)

And put down the crack pipe!

(men chattering indistinctly)

- All right, answer me this.

Would you rather have Tammie as your girlfriend,

or about two inches off your penis?

- I can't afford to lose two.

- Ties us up at 10 apiece, next bucket wins.

(car honking)

- Hold on a second, I'll be right back.

- Dude, there's one more point left.

- Dude, you're not going anywhere right now,

there's money riding on this, let's go, come on.

(car honks)

- Today, Justin!

- Today's the day you should get rid of that bitch.

Come on.

(horn honking)

- Okay!

- Today, Justin! - All right!

Just hold on a second. I'll be back in a few, okay?

- The ball dude!

Thank you, softie.

- Where is his sack?

- I think it's hanging off her muffler, look.

- Hey boo-boo.

- Get in. I have a surprise for you.

- What kind of surprise?

- The surprise you've been waiting for.

(sighs) Are you ready?

- Oh, I'm ready.

- Okay. Close your eyes.

- We're gonna do it right here?

- Right here.

- Oh, my God.

- Okay.

Open your eyes.

- What does that mean?

- It means you're moving in with me.

- I am?

- Don't you think it's time?

- Don't you think you should've asked?

- Well, I wanted to surprise you, poo-poo.

- Brenda, I don't think we should rush into that just yet.

- (scoffs) Rush into it?

Justin, we're getting married in less than six months.

We've been going out for over 10 years.

We're gonna be spending the rest of our lives together.

- I just can't pack up and leave Sol.

- There you go again.

Choosing your friends over me.

God, you guys are all in love with each other,

it makes me fucking sick!

- Brenda, I'm not saying I'm in love with them

or I'm choosing them, I'm just saying

I don't think we should move in together right now.

- You know what? You have a decision to make.

It's them.

Or me.

- Oh, Brenda, that's bullshit.

Come on, don't put me in that position!

- Them or me, Justin! I mean it!

Now get out!

Go! - All right, I'm going, okay?

Don't push. - Jerk!

(tires screeching) - Pass me the fucking rock!

(rock music)

(men chattering indistinctly)

- Yo, let's roll tonight, boys night out.

- Can't. I got plans.

- What, you got a hot date?

- You guys down?

- I'm down. - I'm not down.

I don't go out anymore.

- What? Since when?

- Since right now, besides,

I got an appointment in the morning.

I'm just done with this scene, man.

- Oh, God, don't be that guy.

- What guy?

- You know, the guy who says he never goes out,

but you see him out every night.

- You mean like you? - Anyway.

- Dudes, seriously, I'm feeling it.

I need to get my flirt on.

- Really?

Well, Therapy's supposed to be rocking, man,

I say we all take it to Therapy tonight.

- Dude, Therapy sucks.

I'm definitely not going there.

- Why not?

- It's too many high fives.

(techno music) (people chattering faintly)

Dude, it's the same old story.

I'll tell you exactly what's gonna happen.

You'll do a few laps, peel some track,

then you'll get bombarded by the colonel

promoting another club.

- Coop! Bam!

- [Sol] You'll rush the go-go Dancers

and bust a running man.

Then, finally, you'll get blindsided by Suzie Benchpress.

- Cooper, hey! Guess what I maxed on the bench press today?

- [Sol] And you're gonna tell her, like you always do.

- Look, Suzie, that's really great, but I got news for you,

you're cockblocking me.

- Ah! - She won't leave you alone,

until you feel her trap.

- Feel that. Oh yeah, you like that, huh?

- [Sol] At this point, you're thinking about hitting it

until I come into the picture

and bitch-slap you back to reality.

(Cooper groaning)

- Ow, fuck!

- What are you thinking?

- I don't know.

Thank you.

- Now can we leave?

- Oh, my God, look at loverboy.

Getting his flirt on.

- And you used to date that girl.

- Who? - You know,

she never wore the same outfit twice?

- Ooh, uh, uh.

- What was her name? - Brenda!

- Yes, Brenda! (Justin laughs)

(laughs) She was such a bitch!

Oh, my God, yes, Brenda.

- Yeah, Brenda. - You still see her?

- We're engaged.

(both chuckling)

- You're kidding right?

- No.

- Justin. - Huh?

- (laughs) Why would you do that?

- Uh, I love her. (woman laughing)

I think- - I'm sorry.

- I do. - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- No, it's okay. - I'm sorry.

- I didn't mean that, I didn't-

- It's okay. - Yeah?

- Yeah, a lot of people have said that she's a bitch.

- (laughs) She's a bitch. (soft rock music)

- Jesus, is everybody getting some except us?

I bet Hap drives his truck through that.

(techno music)

- I don't mean to interrupt this little love connection,

but we're outta here, man.

- Dude, you're fucking cockblocking right now.

(woman snorts)

- (sighs) Just meet us outside all right?

- One more.

- What, are you fucking crazy? I just did one.

- One more! - Jesus Christ.

(woman shouts)

Here is to fucking your face.

(woman snorts)

(siren blaring in distance)

- Hey, should we give Amber a ride home?

- Where does she live?

- Where do you live?

- Pasadena.

- Pasadena.

- Pasadena?

I'm gonna pass-adena on that.

I got a better idea.

Get in.

(Chloe giggling) (western music)

- Now don't get scared.

(whimsical music) (explosion booming)

- Oh, my God.

It's huge.

Put it inside me.

- I want you to beg.

- Please, I need you inside me, cowboy.

- Now that's a good girl.

(Chloe gasping)

(Happy moans) - Oh, God!

- Oh, yes!

(Chloe moans) (eerie shrieking)

(Sol panting)

(Sol groans)

- Fuck. (sighs)

(lighter flicks)

(door opens) (door creaking)

- Morning, Sol.

What you doing up?

When did you start smoking?

Cat got your tongue?

- Did you fuck her?

- What?

- Did you fuck Chloe?

- We're just friends, Sol.

Relax.

- Don't give me that friends shit, Happy.

You're a dog, I know it and you know it.

Now answer the question.

- Jesus, nothing, doggone, boy, don't be ridiculous.

- Look, I'm not!

Just answer the question, did you?

- I didn't fuck her, I didn't do anything with her.

- I don't want you guys hanging out together.

- Why not?

- Because.

- Because? Now there's a valid reason.

What I don't understand is why you even care.

- Look, I'm just protecting her all right?

- Protecting her from what?

- From getting hurt.

- Oh, I see.

I see what this is all about.

- (scoffs) What?

- You like her.

You have feelings for Chloe.

- Please.

She's like my sister.

- Yeah. I know.

Hi. - Hi.

Oh, my God, Sol, have you seen Justin?

He never called me last night,

and he never misses our 11 o'clock call-

- Brenda, Brenda. - Yeah?

- It's okay.

He's upstairs asleep.

- Asleep? - Yeah.

- Oh.

(Brenda gasps)

What the fuck?

- Huh? Huh?

- (gasps) Ew!

Is that Amber Stephens?

What is that skank doing in your bed?

- I don't know. - Oh, you don't know?

There's a fucking slut lying in your bed right now,

and you don't know how she got there?

- Brenda, I swear to God, seriously,

I don't know how this fucking skank got in my bed.

I was so fucked up last night.

- Fucked up? - Then I came home.

- Did you fuck her?

- No!

I mean.

I don't know.

- No, no, no, don't be a fucking pussy right now, Justin.

You tell me the truth!

- I am telling you the truth!

- Look, if you tell the the truth right now,

I promise that I won't be mad, okay?

- No, I don't fucking know.

I don't know, I- - I don't believe you!

- I am telling you the truth!

- (screams) You're a liar! - I am telling the truth!

Okay, all right, you wanna know the truth?

- Yeah!

- All right.

It just happened.

- Oh, my God.

- I don't know what to say.

- I gave you 10 years of my fucking life!

(Brenda shouts) - Ow, fuck.

- Okay.

You will never find anyone as good as me, Justin.

Have a nice life.

You small-dicked, hairy-assed, fucking shitface.

- I gotta take a shit.

- Really?

(people chattering faintly) (phone rings)

(phone beeps) - Hello?

- [Sol] Hey, it's me. Uh, what are you doing?

- I'm just trying to get out of here.

- [Sol] Well, when you get off, is there any way

you could meet me at the Top of the World?

- Top of the World? Why?

- [Sol] Uh, I'll tell you when I see you.

- All right.

(phone beeps) (birds chirping)

- (chuckles) What's up with the suit?

Did somebody die?

- I was trying to tell you the other night,

but you were too busy.

I've, uh,

I've been interviewing for a job.

- Impressive. And?

- And it's tough.

But I'll find something.

- Well, I must say, you do look pretty good in a suit.

(Sol chuckles)

- Do you remember the first time we came up here?

- Barely. (chuckles) How high did we get?

(both chuckling) - Retarded.

Here, this is for you.

- (laughs) Why? What's going on?

Why are you acting so weird?

- Chlo.

I've, uh, I've been thinking a lot.

(chuckles) Thinking about us.

- Is everything okay?

(soft music)

- I love you. (chuckles)

There, I said it.

- (laughs) That's really adorable.

I love you too, there I said it.

- No, Chloe.

I love you.

- Is this a joke?

What are we doing?

This isn't, this isn't right. Why are you doing this?

- You don't understand.

- No, no, I do understand, because I was there.

- What do you mean you were there?

- Sol, you are so fucking blind, do you know that?

I finally accept the fact that we're just gonna be friends

and then you throw this at me?

It's not fair.

You can't just decide you wanna be with me,

just because you think I'm with somebody else.

- This has nothing to do with somebody else.

This is about you and me.

I mean, we're perfect together.

- What about when it doesn't work out?

Have you thought about that?

Have you thought about our friendship?

- Look, give me a chance.

Give us a chance, and then we'll know.

If it doesn't work out, we'll never have to wonder.

I mean, we deserve that, Chloe.

- Why me?

- Why?

(soft music) Because I can spend

all day with you and then actually wanna spend

all night with you too.

Because I like who I am when I'm with you,

I can act stupid and not feel stupid.

Because you know every Jimmy Hendrix song.

Because you don't try to look beautiful,

you just are beautiful.

Because you're my best friend.

- Um.

I can't.

(moody rock music)

- Chloe.

I'm the guy you're supposed to be with!

* There's no coming back from where we've been *

* You're saying different people change, get it *

* What's the point in leadin', you find out like that *

* Yeah

* Well this is something that they don't advise *

* Communication is the only relation *

* So why did I find out like that *

* Well

(rock music)

- Good morning, Berns. (phones ringing)

- Not for you.

- Charlie, how you feeling?

Stephanie, oh shit, oh shit.

Hey, Phil. - How you doing, fool?

(Bernie chattering angrily in distance)

- Raheem, much love, brother.

Keep fighting the good fight.

Bernie, before you say anything, I'm so sorry.

Listen, I've worked here for two years,

and I've never even been late.

But this morning,

I had one of the crazies mornings in my life.

My fiance just broke up- - You know what?

Save it for someone who cares, okay?

The only thing I care about right now

is why the Fonz isn't eating his food.

What's the matter, baby? (dog whimpering)

Yes, mama's talking about you.

What's the matter?

You got a sour tummy? (dog whining)

I think maybe he caught your

Irritable Bowel Syndrome thing.

He only eats people food.

Which is why we have to trick him.

Now if he sees you eating some of his kibble,

he'll be all over it.

Jimmy, do me a solid.

Eat some of his kibble.

- Are you serious?

- Yes, I'm serious.

- You want me to eat dog food?

- It's just kibble.

He'd do it for you.

(Justin sniffs) (dog whines)

No, no, no, what are you doing?

Not like that!

You gotta get on your hands and knees like a dog.

He's not gonna eat unless you're on your hands and knees.

He's not stupid.

- I'm not getting on my hands and knees.

- Yes, you are.

- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.

- No, I'm not.

- I'm gonna give you 'till the count of three, okay?

One.

Two.

Ooh.

Three, eat the fucking dog food!

- You eat it!

- Listen, you little fuck!

You work for me, okay?

You're my bitch!

If I tell you to get on your hands and knees,

you better fucking do it!

Now eat the fucking dog food!

- First of all, I'm not your bitch!

Second of all, I didn't spend two fucking years

in that mail room to eat your fucking mutt's dog food!

Okay?

You know what?

I quit.

- Yes!

That's what I'm talking about!

Finally somebody found some fucking balls around here!

Now you're acting like an agent, Jimmy!

I almost find you attractive.

You know what?

I'm making you an agent by next week.

How's that?

You tell your buddies that on your way out.

Now go find me a new assistant.

- Find your own assistant, Bernie.

I'm out.

- Don't make me count again.

Jimmy!

One!

Two!

(phone rings)

Can someone get my phones?

(soft rock music) * It's impossible

* I know what you're the game

* 'Cause some things you can't revive *

* Don't know where to go

* Only need to feel something (door opens)

(door closes) * Gimme one more

- I did it!

I got my fucking balls back!

I don't know where they've been,

but I just got them back.

I just quit the agency.

- You did? - Hell yeah, I did!

Who was I kidding?

Trying to be somebody I'm not.

I'm not like those people.

I fucking hate those people.

Anyway man, thank you.

For looking out for me.

I appreciate it.

Oh, hey, this is for you.

It was on the front door.

I gotta take a shit.

(western music) - Dear cousin Sol.

I didn't get a chance to say goodbye,

but, more importantly, I didn't get to say thank you

for everything you did for me.

But I think it's time I handed in my hall pass.

And I think it's time for you to open your eyes.

And when you do, you'll find the gift you've always wanted.

She's always been there and she always will be.

Say goodbye to the boys for me.

Take care, Happy.

P.S. They said I should be receiving some residuals soon.

I hope this helps you get through the month.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- How you doing?

- Fine.

- Look, I'm sorry I made you feel uncomfortable yesterday.

I mean, it was selfish of me to think you'd drop everything

and be with me, just because I wanted you to be.

It's just that everything in my life right now is wrong.

You're the only thing that's right.

I mean, I don't even deserve you.

But I wanna get it together, and I just hope

that when the time is right, you'll be there.

(soft rock music)

That's all I wanted to say.

* Life is short enough, are you feeling lonely *

* Don't you just wanna spend your time *

* With someone that can read your mind *

* There's no postcards when you're floating out this far *

* And for the last time, I wanna feel something *

* Like a wave on the ocean

* Wash away the old divide

* It's impossible, I know what you're thinking *

* 'Cause some things you can't revive *

* Don't know where to go, only need to feel something *

- [Broadcaster] And here we are in the last inning, folks.

Foothill trails this ballgame five to two,

(children chattering) there are two outs,

and the bases are loaded.

A home run could win this ballgame.

(upbeat music) (boy grunts)

- Strike!

- Bullshit! That was outside, you suck!

- I suck?

You couldn't hit your way

out of a paper bag, you little punk!

- You suck.

- Say it again. I dare you.

That's what I thought.

Play ball!

(crowd cheers) - Yeah!

(laughs) That's for you, old man!

- Foul ball!

- [Broadcaster] Oh, foul ball!

That brings the count to O and two.

Calling this ballgame, third generation umpire Sol Goode.

- Strike three! You're out!

- [Broadcaster] This ballgame is over, folks!

(indistinct) (crowd cheering)

- No! - Five to two!

- That's my dawg right there!

(crowd applause)

(boys cheering)

- Not bad for a rookie.

- I told you it was in your blood.

- Sol, I have something for you.

This has been in our family for three generations now.

It's protected us well.

(box chiming)

(Sol chuckles nervously)

- Thanks, Dad. (chuckles)

- I'm proud of you, Sol. Proud of you.

- Hey ump.

Called a good game.

You were right.

- About what?

- You are the man I'm supposed to be with.

(rock music)

* Ooh-ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh

* Dream away

* Dream away dreamer

* Fly away, lifetime schemer

* Satellite, watching from up above *

* Late at night, cars in the streetlights *

* Celebrate, life in the fire-fight *

* Every night, taking all our love *

* Dream away

* Dream away dreamer

- What are you doing?

- Um, I have to go to work.

- I thought you said you had the day off.

- [Chloe] I did, but, um,

I promised somebody that I'd cover their shift.

- You have to go right now?

- Uh-huh, I do.

But, um, thanks for last night.

And I'll call you.

- Did I just get P.O.D.'d?

- Gotcha.

* Satellite is always watching over you *

* Satellite is watching everything you do *

(man groaning)

* All of my dreams are slowly dying *

* Satellite, it may never come true *

* Dream away (man clears throat)

- Uh.

Thanks for letting me crash, dude.

- It's cool.

Hey, don't tell anybody okay?

- Don't tell anybody what?

- Nothing.

(man sniffing)

(rock music continues)

- [Cooper] What, are you kidding me, dude?

* Satellite is always watching over you *

* Satellite is watching

- [Cooper] What, are you kidding me, dude?

(Sol laughing)

Go back down right now.

- Fuck, I have diarrhea. (laughs)

(Justin laughing)

- [Sol] I think that's the chick from the Diesel ads.

- Dude. Fuck.

Wasn't into her, man.

She had cankles.

- What are cankles?

- Cankles, you know, the calf goes right into the.

(people laughing)

You know, when the calf goes right into the fucking.

(people laughing)

- What are cankles? (men laughing)

(dial tone blaring) - Oliver?

(operator chatters indistinctly)

- Sid on line one! - I said no!

Oh! (gasps)

- Oh, goddamn.

Oh, goddamn, baby, you feel that?

You feel that shit?

I fucking love this song.

- Um, what's the best thing on the menu?

- Well, it depends on what you like,

I think, well there's the.

The best thing.

Oh, shit. (man laughs)

- You have any Bisquick mix?

I make the meanest fucking pancakes, dude.

(men laughing) (funk music)

- [Chloe] What is that?

- [Cooper] That is your little proof of purchase,

you little bitch.

Oh fuck. - (chuckles) Yeah.

- Why are you- - She was right here.

- Sure, she- - She was right-

- God! - I'll get you a towel.

I'll get you a towel.

I'm sorry, baby. (mumbles)

I mean, I had a lot in there.

I was backed up, baby.

- I heard you're packing a fucking Duraflame, dude. (laughs)

- How you been? - I've been good. (laughs)

Dude, I heard you. (laughs)

- How you been? - I've been good, man,

let's cut the small talk. (laughs)

- [Happy] How you been?

- Pretty good. (laughs)

I've been good.

Dude, I heard you're packing a beer. (laughs)

Packing a fucking. (laughs)

Let's cut the small talk. (laughs)

Pull your shit together, motherfucker.

(groans) I'm fucked. (laughs) I'm fucked.

Cut it. (man laughs)