Original subtitles

Boys, boys!

Rabbi Jacob is leaving. C'mon, lets go and say goodbye.

Shalom, my friends.

- Have a safe trip. - May you live in peace

Have a "bon voyage"

Reb Samuel, please, 30 years since he was in in Paris, France.

- Please keep an eye out on 'mein' husband. - Of course.

'Rebbe', what I got for you they never heard in Paris, France.

One of my cheesecakes.

Give it to David for a bar mitzvah present.

Absolutely, absolutely!

Hey mac, I don't have all day.

- Let's go, huh? - Yes my boy. Yes.

Come with me to the airport, all of you.

Hey, this is a taxi, not a synagogue.

Ok, move over.

Jacob, don't forget to give a big kiss to our nephew Solomon.

And also Esther and Tzippe and Moishe.

I give, I give. All the Schmoll family.

Jacob, you know what I want?

I want more 'Je Reviens' perfume.

Bye, bye.

Ok, 'Je Reviens'. Je Reviens!

♪ I will see my Normandy.

♪ Dai dai dai

No Samuel, not "dai dai dai". It's French... France!

♪ I will see my Normandy.

♪ The land that gave life to me

What's going on? Will you hurry, please, driver.

Hey, what do you want, miracles?

Don't worry, Rabbi, we'll catch your plane. C'mon!

Ready? One, two, three!

You see my boy? That's a miracle.

- Monsieur, may I take the wheel? - You're a pain in the neck!

Monsieur, watch out!

What the hell's he doing in the emergency lane?

See that, an Englishman!

I don't like the English. Do you?

- Yeah. - I don't.

- Look, Solomon! - What? - See, a Swiss and a German.

- So? - Swiss and German.

This isn't France anymore!

Now we're behind a Belgian!

- Belgians! - Why, don't you like Belgians, either?

They pollute us, those Belgians! Look at his exhaust. Belgian ehaust!

Hold on, I'll pass him. I'll 'tres-pass' him.

Woah, woah!

Look at that, Solomon. Look!

Yeah. What?

It's clean, quiet no smoke. He's a Frenchman!

Monsieur.

Can't you line up like everyone else?

Moron, cretin, cuckhold... meathead!

Hear that? Now THAT'S French!

In the emergency lane, too!

- You got no shame! - Woof... woof! Grr!

Hey, are you finished?!

- What is it? - You can see, a wedding!

I'm also marrying off my daughter. Come on let me pass.

- Did you see the bride? - Yes. - She's black.

Not cafe-au-lait, but black! And he's white!

So?

He's white, she's black...

Black. Oh, pfft!

Hey, Solomon, c'mon!

Yes sir, coming.

Let me pass, my daughter's getting married.

Ah, that's your daughter? Congratulations.

No, she's not my daughter. The bride's black!

Monsieur, Monsieur!

See that, Solomon? They have cars, now.

Blacks in white Rolls!

- It couldn't happen to you, Sir. - What?

Your daughter marrying a black man.

- Waddaya mean by that? - Monsieur is rather racist. - Racist?

Moi?! Racist? Solomon! Racist?!

Thank God Antoinette is marrying a Frenchman

A thoroughly white one. Even a bit pale. Huh?

- And pimply. - How about that lisp?

He lisps, but he's rich, like me. And Catholic, like everyone.

Not everyone, Monsieur. Me, for example, I'm Jewish.

You're Jewish?

How's that? Solomon is Jewish?

Solomon is Jewish, oh!

And my uncle Jacob, coming from New York, is a rabbi.

- But he's not Jewish? - Oh, yes.

- Not your whole family? - Oh, yes.

Doesn't matter, I'll keep you on anyway.

- That'll be Madame. - We're late.

- Monsieur's gonna get it! - OK, enough of that!

- Hello, Victor? - Hello, Germaine...

Let me explain!...Bla bla

Bla, bla...

Quiet, Victor! You're a liar, a hypocrite, and a fake.

You, be quiet too! If you wanna marry my daughter tomorrow

- I must finish you today. - What? - Your crowns.

How do I know for sure...

Shh! How do I know you were alone in Deauville?

She's madly jealous!

With good reason. Monsieur, is such a hunk.

Hello, Victor?

I forbid you to hang up.

Fine, wait. Wait now. Wait

Damn! Watch the road!

- Tell me, Germaine. - Yes?

- Did you know? - Know what?

- Solomon... - What about Solomon?

- Is Jewish. - So?

The truck, the truck!

Solomon? Solomon!

Hey, Solomon!

There he is.

Garcon?

A peppermint cordial.

M. Slimane.

Telephone for M. Slimane.

That's me.

Booth 2, Monsieur.

Hello?

- Mohammed Larbi Slimane? - That's me.

Nobody's meeting you.

- You fell into our trap, Slimane. - Who is this?

- Fares is waiting in front of 'Les Deux Magots'. - Fares?

You're not getting out of here alive.

And your revolution ... *arkoum!

Hello?

Hello!

In 30 seconds he'll come out.

He'll see me, and try to run out the back.

Colonel we can't snatch him in Saint Germain de Pres!

- We had him earlier! - Shut up!

Hurry, go wait on the other side.

Fares.

Hurry!

Drive.

Hello?

Hello? Hello!

Mademoiselle, don't hang up

Hello!

Move, you!

Arrange to send a tow truck immediately.

A tug boat, more likely.

Help me!

Pull! Don't make such a fuss.

Hello, hello! What?

A strike? That's all I need!

- My factory' on strike. - Me too. I'm on strike.

I'm fed up, I've had it!

What did you say? What? What?

- Fed up! - Take that!

Hello, I forbid them to strike, you hear?

No! I'm telling you, no.

Listen, just do as usual.

You promise everything, and I give nothing.

Solomon, a car!

Aah!

Hey! Hey!

Hey, hey! Stop, stop.

Punks, egoists, dirty bastards!

Straight, then first on the left.

The factory's at the end of the lane.

Night is falling. We must absolutely find a tow truck.

- Solomon. - Yes sir.

Turn on the lights so they can find us easier.

- No, Sir. - What?

I'm not allowed to put the lights on.

- Sir knows, I can't work on Saturday. - But, it's Friday.

For us Sabbath starts Friday at sundown.

And on Sabbath I can't work.

Let's go, my beloved, *♪ Lechah dodi,

Let's go, to meet the bride, ♪ Lechah dodi, liqrat kallah

let's welcome the presence of Shabbat ♪ p'nei shabat neqabelah

♪ Lechah dodi, liqrat kallah

♪ p'nei shabat neqabelah*

Say, Solomon, can't you make an exception tonight?

I'll give you two Sabbaths off next week.

Evidently, Sir doesn't know the tradition.

I don't know any of your pantomimes and I'm proud of it!

Sir isn't allowed to eat meat on Friday.

I'm not allowed to use electricity Saturday. It's no dumber.

- Yes it's dumber! - No it's not dumber!

- Yes it's dumber. - No it's not dumber!

I tell you it is, and give a week's notice!

- Have your Sabbath every night! - Fine, as Monsieur wishes!

Get out!

Gdd... dmmn... yyyou!

St Anthony of Padua, let me find a tow truck

so I can fix my boat, my car, and hire a new chauffeur.

A Catholic one, this time, I promise.

Catholic like you, like me, like God.

Oh, a light!

Thank you, St Anthony.

Anybody home?

Concierge?

Woah!

Madame?

Madame!

Anybody home?

(Ohhh!)

Oh yeah, there's someone!

- (Ohhhh!) - Aah!

Aaahhh!!

You'll end up talking, Slimane.

What day? The coup d'etat.

Which city? What time? Which regiment?

The password, Slimane.

You can murder me, Fares,

but you can't pass yourself off as a judge.

Ma t'Rhafeh! Slimane!*

Halmatek! Smhat fik!*

The people are with me.

Yes, but power is at the end of a gun.

Mao Tse Tung!

Mohammed Larbi Slimane,

as a president of this counter-revolutionary tribunal,

I find you guilty of treason. against our government

- An toum houm el khawana! - Habess!*

- An toum houm el khawana! - Oun ta put.*

What's this mumbo-jumbo?

Khawana!

Gentlemen, your verdict.

Death!

Talk, Slimane, and your life will be spared.

A revolution is like a bicycle. If it doesn't move forward, it falls.

Eddy Merckx. (Belgian cyclist)

No, Che Guevara.

Oh!

Sh, sh...

Sh.

The police ... 17 ?

Now then, the police is 22...

17

Aziz.

- Hello? - Hello, police?

Yes.

- G-Get me the commissioner. Hurry. - This is the commissioner.

Come immediately to the Yankee chewing-gum factory.

- Chewing-gum? - Yes, chewing-gum...

And, who are you, sir?

Victor Pivert. Manufacturer in Paris

- Pivert? - Pivert. Like the green woodpecker.

- I'm listening. - I had a car accident.

I was looking for help

when I ran into a gang of Wogs trying to kill each other.

Wogs, you know, with brown faces.

Where are you now?

Here, in the factory office. Voila.

Do not move. We're on our way.

V-v-very nice of you.

Hurry!

Tell me M. Pivert; the Wogs, did you see them?

I sure I did! Especially a fat oily one with his curly hair,

and his tiny cruel eyes and black sun glasses.

A real killer's face!

Let them settle their scores.

Fine! There'll be fewer of them. But not in our land.

- Where are they? - Right here!

Smash the door! *Kasser elbab!*

Aaahh!

I got him!

Hey, hey!

Hurry!

Aaahh!

Allez!

He escaped!

Couldn't help it, Colonel. *Ou ana helech*

Pivert, Victor Pivert.

Black Citroen DS, number 438ZA75.

- At the river. 3 or 4 Kms. - Are you coming?

No, he fired me. For all I care, he can run home.

Ah!

There he is!

*Ha houwa! Ha!

- What are you doing here? - Shut up and don't move.

- I must return to my country and you're gonna help me. - Me?! Oh...

Pivert, Victor Pivert, he just shot two men.

Yes, a car on a boat.

Put out an APB immediately!

Europe flash.

Mohamed Larbi Slimane, famous 3rd World leader,

kidnapped yesterday in Paris, is still missing.

Meanwhile grave events in his country have cut all communication.

All France is following this story...

Let me call the police.

- They'll arrest Fares and let you go home. - Police?!

They'll deliver me to our government's 'maramouches'.

- Maramouches ? - Killers.

- Fares?! - Colonel Fares.

- So, everybody's against you? - No, the people are with me.

- And you can't lie to the people all of the time! - Sure, you can! Easily.

In my factory I lie to the people all day.

They love being lied to. "The people!"

We'll sweep out all that filth!

If I can return tonight, tomorrow, I'll be Prime Minister.

Prime Minister?

I'm so happy to shake a Prime Minister's revolver.

So much for petroleum!

Oh! No more gas.

I have to stop.

What can he be doing?

Where can he be?

- What's wrong with you today? - My daughter's getting married.

I'm open just as a favour to you.

- You call this a favour? - Open your mouth and be quiet.

Yes, M. Pivert's car? Yes we placed the call.

- Madame? - Yes.

- Hurry, Monsieur is on the phone.

Oh, hey, hey!

Clamp down hard! I'll be two minutes.

Hello.

Hello!

- Don't answer. - It must be my wife.

She's jealous, if I don't answer, she'll track me down.

Fine, but one false move and...

- Hello. Is that you, Germaine? - It's 11 AM.

I've been expecting you, between cavities. Where'd you spend the night?

- Say you're spending the weekend with a woman. - Oh, no, I beg you.

- You're taking the plane with me! - I couldn't. - Go on! - Nuts!

Germaine, I'm taking off in a plane with a woman.

- A woman? Are you crazy? - Yes! Crazy about her.

- What's she got that I don't? - What's she got? She's got, haha...

She's git big hairy hands,

big feet...

she has curls all over, and a big moustache.

What?!

Be convincing! She must believe you.

Yes I love her because she doesn't get seasick,

no grease on her face, no hair-curlers

no steel reinforced bra.

I love the way she sings, rubbing my back for hours,

telling me I'm an athlete. that I'm handsome,

and that I'm 1.80 meters tall. Voila!

Who is she? What's her name?

What's her name? What's-her-name.

- Say any name! - Yeah...

Ah!

- Therese Leduc. - Therese Leduc is 65 years old!

Exactly. She's loved me for 30 years,

has never called me on the phone and left me in peace.

- Did you see that? - What?

- I hung up, this time.

Odile, I'm off to Orly, my husband is there. Tell my daughter to wait.

Pardor Madam. Pivert wedding?

Yes, put it there, lad.

Sorry, sir, the doctor isn't receiving patients today.

Police Commissioner Andréani. M. Pivert, please.

M. Pivert isn't here. What is it about?

Don't worry. Mme. Pivert went to meet her husband at Orly.

She'll be back in two hours.

To Orly Airport! Hurry, we gotta nab him before he flies off.

- Hurry up. - One minute, Monsieur.

That's 57 francs, Monsieur.

Monsieur. What was your speed?

What... eighty?

That's 57.

- Shall I check the oil? - No need, it's fine, thanks.

Thank you, Monsieur.

- Got your papers? - Yeah, sure.

- What'd you do? - Me? Nothing.

- Taking the piss out of me or my colleague? - Oh, both!

No Officer, neither one.

Yes, I'm taking the piss out both of you!

Turn a bit.

- What's that? - Where?

- A wart. - A wart? Oh!

- Aww, that's not nice! - I think it looks fine.

Oh, no. Quite ugly...

Look, two huge hairs sticking out.

- Yeah? - Doesn't it hurt?

- No. - It doesn't?

And if I do this?

That's gotta hurt, dammit, huh?

What's this about? Papers, now!

I always drive without them. No drivers license,

no grey slip, no sticker, no insurance. Arrest me.

- You'll pay dearly for that. - Arrest me.

- What's your name? - Pivert. Like the woodpecker.

Fill'er up?

Step on it, it's Fares!

That's enough. Get out.

Put it in first!

*Teba, teba. Hou, hou!

*(expletives)

Ladies and gentlemen we are arriving at Paris Orly airport.

It's 11:25...

Please, gentlemen sit down and fasten your seatbelts.

Sit down, Samuel (ENG)

- My French family is waiting for me below. - I see.

- I came for the bar mitzvah. - Interesting.

The communion, of my nephew, little David.

He's already thirteen.

Ah, Samuel.

David, don't start your nonsense. Go there and be quiet!

Mom, how will we recognise uncle Jacob?

No one's seen him except grandma Tzipe and she can't see.

Waddaya mean I can't hear?!

To honor Uncle Jacod we shoulda got Solomon to drive him in his boss' car.

He can't. He got canned yesterday.

- What? - His boss fired him yesterday.

I always said M. Piverte is a very nice man!

Don't push! Why must I bring my case?

- 'Cause we're both going. - No, you go do your revolution

I'll go marry off my daughter.

If things get ugly, you can serve as my hostage. Move!

Arriving from Frankfurt, flight AF-741,

gate 45.

No funny faces or you're dead.

- I never pull funny faces! - Stop it!

- Look at him. Look! - What?

The security guard.

He's huge. I'm puny.

That's a proper hostage!

- What is it? - See that? - What?

- She's a redhead. - So?

Be good baby.

How lovely! Cute.

Whoops!

What's his name?

Do you have a light?

Of course he has a light!

Take that!

You think that's funny, imbecile?

Imbecile!

There it is!

The plane from New York just landed.

Hurry, you're too slow!

We have time, it won't fly away.

Hurry!

- David, come here. - Hurry up.

Look, cheri!

Look, there he is. It must be him.

Jacob, uncle Jacob!

Where is Jacob? I don't see him.

That's the wrong direction. Look down there!

Passenger Pivert...

Passenger Pivert.

Would M. Pivert, come to the information counter!

- They're here. - Arkoum, Slimane and Pivert.

Division chief! Good timing. They just paged Pivert.

Block the exits and let's go!

But, careful, he's a killer!

Please, Mlle, try again.

Would passenger Piver...

Victor, come back. Victor!

- Victor! - Oh my god it's Germaine!

It's your wife calling. I beg you.

Shut up and tell me where you are! Germaine?

Germaine?

I forgive you, Victor.

Don't leave with Thérèse Leduc on your daughter's wedding day.

Victor, do you hear me?

Victor, do you hear me?

Yes, I hear you. Not so loud, I'm coming.

My microph...!

Your husband's not leaving YOU for Therese Leduc. Gimme that!

- Germaine. - Victor!

- Victor! - Gimme the mike, I have an announcement.

I have one too. And more important than yours.

Oh, it's you! I thought it was a 'maramouche'.

- Is Fares here? - Yeah, he wants to...

- C'mon! - Wait, let me look first.

- Open up! - No!

- Open! - There's no one here.

- Open, I say! - I can't, it's occupied.

- Open. - Hear that?

Sir, is your friend sick?

Can we help?

It seems, you can.

Lowlife! Get out!

Me, as a rabbi. It's really the limit!

Wait.

Jacob!

Jacob!

It is him!

Jacob!

Uncle Jacob!

Uncle Jacob!

Dear, let me shalom him too.

- Shalom. - Shalom.

- SHALOM! (What now?) - (Play along. It is our only chance)

I'd recognise him among thousands.

Spitting image of his brother, my husband, bless his soul.

- Is he also a Schmoll? - A schmoll?

Yes, who is he, uncle?

Yes, he's right.

He asked who he is and deserves an answer.

You asked about him?

He's my secretary, chauffeur and porter.

Take my suitcase.

- What's his name? - Him, up there?

His name is Larbi Rabbi mm... Slimann. With 'mann' on the end.

Seligmann!

- Rabbi Seligmann. Enchantee. - Madame.

Come, Jacob,

Tell me, how are they all in New York? *Sag mir wie geht es alles in New York?

And what's the whole family doing? Und was macht die ganze mischpokhe?

- Geht, geht? - Geht, geht!

- Ja, ja? - Ja, ja!*

Why don't you have a beard?

I lent it to someone who didn't have one.

That Seligman is not just anybody. A rabbi who is a chauffeur!

Jacob, you have a funny accent in French.

- You think? - Yes, yes.

You've become a real American.

- You want I should teach you good French? - Yes, yes, yes.

I know a good exercise. Pronounce the names of fuhz.

Fuzz?

- Coats made from fuhz. - Ah, furs!

- Try. - Yes.

Mink.

Chinchilla.

Musket rats.

- The fox. - Fox?

The silver fox.

- The panther. - The painter.

No, no, no, panther... the animal.

Panther. Dit, dit, dit...

Grrr!

Very good, Jacob!

- Madame Pivert? - That's me.

Police. Your husband is waiting in his car.

My Victor!

I knew, at the last minute, he'd change his mind.

But, police?! Why?

- M. Pivert is in a real mess. - Therese Leduc, I knew it!

C'mon, let's go!

Where's Victor? Hey, let go of me!

- Get in! - It's an ambush!

Officer!

Mme Pivert, which way did she go?

I dunno! That way, or the other way.

- I can't watch everybody! - Exactly, watch everybody!

- Commissioner! - Yeah!

We found two rabbis, tied and gagged, in the toilets.

- Two rabbis? - They stole their clothes and shaved them.

- Who did it? - A big guy with black hair.

- And a short bald guy, with blue eyes. - Pivert, again!

- It might be... - Slimane? Sure! Hurry!

Excuse me, this is a celebrity. Excuse me.

Get in, uncle Jacob. I'll buy the tickets.

Go ahead.

You're very kind.

And...

you're the best looking Jew I've seen, in a long time.

Pretty eyes, lovely teeth!

Come, let me kiss you. You're so cute!

- You too, Mme Schmoll, must've been a knock-out. - Ahh!

Do you know how many marriages I arranged

on Rue des Rosiers?... 43!

118 children.

2 ½ children per couple.

- Are you married? - No.

What do you like in a girlfriend, blondes, brunettes?

- Redheads. - I have!

30 years away from Paris, and nobody comes to meet me!

- Maybe they didn't get your telegram. - 8 telegrams, I sent. Eight!

They must have got one!

- You see the violin case? - Yes Chief.

And what's inside a violin case?

Um... ♪ La-la, la-la...

No, imbecile! A... t-t-t-t...

Cover me. I'm going in.

Hmm... The address is '8 Rue des Rosiers'.

Now, I need to find the phone number.

My respects, Grand Rabbi.

Ah, Samuel, I told you they'd come get us?

Police. Commissioner Andreani.

- The Police! - A great honour!

It's not every day I meet two, such sought after, rabbis.

Bless you my son. May the Eternal be with you.

Don't touch my violin.

- Don't take me for a fool, Pivert. - Piverte?!

Say...

that's some patriarchal beard you glued on!

- May I touch it? - Oi!

Oi!

Excuse me, sir...

- Solomon! - Yeah?

- Telephone, in your room! - Coming!

Hello.

Who?

Uncle Jacob?

No, it's Solomon. Did you have a good voyage?

No, I did not have a good voyage. I had a very bad voyage!

- Where are you? - At Orly!

30 years I haven't been to Paris

and the police picks up!

It's all in order, Chief.

- Excuse us, it's an error. - Thanks.

What's with you people?!

Uncle Jacob, I don't understand. There must be an error.

It's Rabbi Jacob in the taxi. Come down Solomon!

What the?

Listen, you on the phone, stop being a jerk!

- Jerk? - Today, of all days, really!

Imbecile!

Long live Rabbi Jacob!

Solomon's 'gone crazy'! *is geworden meshugge

- 'Totally crazy', Rabbi. - Jerk. *Ganz meshugge

Shalom, uncle Jacob, shalom!

You should bless them, uncle Jacob.

That's why they came, you know.

Such modesty. He's a modist!

Stand up, uncle Jacob.

They wanna welcome you. Go on.

Stick your head outside.

Not like that. Do you think you're in Rome?!

It's all your fault.

Wait till I tell them who you are. You'll see!

Silence! Quiet!

Silence. Quiet!

We welcome you, Rabbi Jacob,

venerable teacher,

well of knowledge,

celestial luminary.

Hear that? Now, that's good! Very good!

As a souvenir of this day, accept this modest 'Shtreimel'.

Oh, lovely Shtreimel!

It's mink. I'll wear it every Sunday.

Saturday, not Sunday!

He said Sunday, but it's not. It's Saturday.

Silence. Silence.

Rabbi Jacob will speak now.

Go on, say something.

Ah.

My dear Rosenfelds.

[PORK PRODUCTS - ROZENBERG] My dear Rozenbergs.

[BEEF BUTCHER - KOSHER] My dear Koshers.

Not that.

How about that? My dear Levi's.

Dear Levi's.

Keep the rest.

Uncle Jacob, a thousand excuses. You must get off.

- The taxi has to leave. - Yes, yes. - He's getting out.

- What if they ask me stuff? - Do as they do.

Ask a Jew anything, he always answers

with another question, to buy time to think.

Oh, yeah?

Monsieur!

- Jacob, do you recognise me? - And do you recognise me?

- No. - Good!

We have a thousand questions for you.

Well I have two thousand.

- Rabbi Jacob! - Yes.

My driver. He recognises me.

I only have one question.

My boss fired me for refusing to work Saturdays.

What would you do in my place?

Ask him to take you back. He'll say yes!

Ask for a raise. He'll say yes!

- Double my pay? - He'll say yes!

- Triple? - He... He'll say no.

'Monsieur' didn't tell me he was Jewish.

Yesterday I wasn't, that's why.

I beg you Solomon don't tell. The police, the 'maramouches'.

- Everyone wants my hide. - What has 'Monsieur' done?

Nothing Solomon I'm innocent.

They need a scapegoat. And I'm the goat.

Ba-ah-a...

Hide me, and I'll re-hire you.

I'll give you all the holidays Jewish, Catholic and Protestant!

Plus every Sabbath and Sunday.

And the Muslim holidays?

Eh? Do Muslims have holidays?

What about him, Mohammed Larbi Slimane?

- Why's he here? - Who?

Rabbi Seligmann,

- It's done, I found one. - What?

- A real redhead. - Ahh!

Look.

She's called Hannah.

Say hello.

Mameh, it's fine. They're all ready.

Silence, silence!

Rabbi Jacob will dance!

- No, no. - Rabbi Jacob's a good dancer!

Hoi! Hoi!

Ah, Monsieur has a real gift!

It was a miracle, Solomon. A miracle!

Bravo!

You went to Orly, because you knew Pivert was there!

I thought he was leaving with Therese Leduc.

- On his daughter's wedding day? - Drill !

No, not the drill, I can't stand it!

He's with Slimane.

Where are they?

Hello. Hello!

Is this 749-28-27? Hello. Who's speaking?

Answer. But watch it!

- Germaine? It's me, Victor. - Ah Victor, it's you.

- Ask where he is. - No!

Hello? Hello? Hello!

Germaine turn off the drill, dammit!

Can you hear me, or not?

Where are you, cheri?

Hiding with some Jewish friends.

You have Jewish friends? You?!

'Course I have Jewish fr... What do you mean by that?

Say the police is here and let me speak to him.

The police is here. They wanna speak to you.

Hello, M. Pivert, I'm the Commissioner.

I recognize your voice, Commissioner.

I'm so happy to hear you!

Same here. Where are you M. Pivert?

Listen, I know the killers.

You can nab the whole smalah*. (tribe)

- Their leader is called Fares. - Oh, yeah?

I'll give you his description.

Fat, greasy, curly hair,

small cruel eyes piercing through dark glasses.

- A true killer's face. - Voila!

I am at "Etoile de Kiev".

It's a restaurant, a delikatessen,

Rue des Rosiers number eight...

Oight, oight!

- Shalom, Rabbi. - Shalom, my son. - Shalom.

Shalom, not you, him.

OK...

OK, you ask for Rabbi Jacob.

And Rabbi Jacob, is me.

Is Slimane with you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're marrying him off to a redhead, outside.

- Don't move M. Pivert, we're coming. - Yes!

Jacob!

- Jacob! Have you heard the news? - No.

Hannah's engaged.

- If Rabbi Jacob gives his blessing. - Pfft!

What a cute goil!

So, are you happy? Look at her. Tiddly-diggety-dee!

And you... Mmmmm!

Rabbi Jacob says YES!

Voila. He's so happy.

Today of all days, to pull THIS on me!

Papa's disappeared.

Mama!

Antoinette!

*[♪ canticle: Heb]

I can't do it.

- Are you Rabbi Jacob or not? - Yes, but not here!

- Play along, I beg you. - You're safe with us.

- Uncle Jacob? - Yes.

- We cleared the way.

- What should we do? - Do like everyone else.

- How does a Jewish Communion work? - It works out alright.

As soon as my wife gets here, I'm off to church!

Bless me, uncle Jacob.

I bless you, David.

You too, Rabbi Seligmann.

God be with you, David.

*[♪ canticle: Heb]

- Pssst! - Amen!

- Pssst! Hey. - What is it?

Rabbi Jacob's wanted on the phone. It's urgent. From Madame Pivert.

I'm coming.

Amen!

Did you hear? They say amen.

Great! Same as us.

I beg you Solomon, warn Monsieur!

There are 3. Their boss is called Fares.

Three killers? Here?

They want to assassinate him. Hurry they're on their way!

No, Madame, they're here.

*[♪ canticle: Heb]

Mazel tov, my son.

*♪ Ya mod, Rabbi Jacob.

- What's he saying? - Eh?

- What's he saying?

He says, without imposing, uncle Jacob, it's your turn to read the Torah.

I can't, it's too great an honour.

I'm even more overcome than you.

- You too, Rabbi Seligman. - No.

- Yes!

What an honour for my family and me!

Please, Rabbi Jacob.

It's Hebrew.

Read from right to left, like Arabic.

I'll give the honour to Rabbi Seligmann.

He'll read in Hebrew.

The glasses. And the hand.

There... You read it from right to left.

- Think they're in there, Chief? - It's possible.

Careful, it's like a church. So... tact and delicacy!

Your hats.

Fares is in the synagogue.

- Fares? - Leave it to me.

- Hats. - Hats.

Hats!

Silence. Silence!

*Brothers... [HEBREW]

The three men that have just come in

are not here to pray. They're assassins!

- Assassins? - Assassins?

*They want to kill Rabbi Jacob and Rabbi Seligmann.

Help me save them.

What are you doing? let me be.

Solomon! Quickly, Solomon.

That way.

Wait in the "Etoile de Kiev". I'll get my moped.

How did Fares know we were here?

- Monsieur blabbed to him on the phone. - I told the Commissioner. - That WAS Fares.

What? That was Fares? Unbelievable!

Thirty years, Samuel, and nothing changed!

There's the synagogue. And this is the Etoile de Kiev.

Hey, what's going on? Lemme go!

Open it. Get in!

Step on it!

Monsieur, come quick.

Hop on, and get away, quick!

Hurry, get on!

- Get on. Go! - Goddammit!

- You saved my life, Solomon. - Ok, OK!

- You'd have done the same

I say! Solomon, Slimane. Slimane, Solomon.

Could you guys be cousins?

- Cousins? - Estranged...

Thanks.

Save it for later. Go! To St. Louis des Invalides Church.

Police. Commissioner Andreani.

Mama, there's the Etoile de Kiev.

Commissioner, we took you for killers. It's a misunderstanding.

He misunderstood!

- This misunderstanding will cost you dearly. - Sami!

Cossaks!

Leave my Sami alone or I'll call the police!

This is the police, mameh. These men are the police

There's Solomon, mom.

- Solomon! - Madame?

What've you done with my husband?

- Don't worry, Sir is safe. - Where is he?

I lent him my moped and he went to your wedding.

I can't breathe.

Police! *...

Take off your beard, Pivert.

Again, with the Piverte?! What is this Piverte?

Waddaya tryinna do?

- That's not Slimane! * - Fi, rai! Eenhoil

And I'm not Piverte!

Hurry, hurry!

My boat, my car! There, they stole it.

Thief! Thief!

- Don't shout like that. - Move it!

- Faster. Faster. - I can't!

- Go! - Aahh, my hat!

That way!

- There! - Careful, my hat!

My hat, I can't see!

Quick, this way!

Thief! Stop!

Thief!

Oh, no, it's not me.

Not the moustache. Not the moustache.

- You're the Pivert?! - Rabbi Jacob!

Hello, Citroen DS, license 438ZA75,

carrying the boat Germaine II,

is heading towards Place de la Concorde.

Spare their lives, Fares. They won't talk.

No, I won't talk. Not a word. I forgot everything.

I don't even know your name, M. Fares.

Don't shoot! I have an idea.

Instead of shooting me in the car,

you let me go to my daughters wedding.

And tomorrow, you send me a letter-bomb.

So, I'm at home...

The doorbell rings. Drrring!

Drrring!

- Who is it? - I open...

A letter bomb!

And for whom?

- For you, not me. - You're a pain in the a...!

- So, I open it. - NO, don't! YES! No!

I open it and paf!

No more Pivert, no more Jacob, no more Fares! Waddaya gonna do?

That's for me.

For me! Leggo!

Hello... *...

Hello!

Hello, is this M. Pivert's car?

Is president Slimane with you?

President Slimane?!

The Minister wants to speak with him.

It is for you. The Minister.

Ahh! Gimme!

- Hello. - Hello.

- Mr. President? - Slimane speaking.

The Revolutionary Council

which took power in your country at 13:00 GMT,

wishes you to return, urgently.

- Should I mention petroleum? - It'd be inappropriate.

A Concorde! We could fix him up with one.

- Not so fast, you'll spoil everything. - OK.

There's the Alouette 'copters.

I'll slip in a cagey allusion.

We'll come pick you up, in our Alouette Chopper.

Latest model.

I did it, I did it!

We did it, and they lost!

You appreciate, Mr. President...

that I saved your life.

They wanted to, 'taga-daga-da!'

*Arkhoum Fares, my President.

- No more *Arkhoum! - Pardon.

Shouldn't have bet on the wrong camel.

Sabres... up!

See that, Mr. President?

That's France! Clip-clop...

France!

That's it! It's over.

It's 2 o' clock, I can't wait any longer.

Remove the plants and flower bouquets.

But Reverend! A little more patience.

I phoned and no one's home, they're surely on their way.

- I'm sorry, I have a funeral. - At least, he'll be on time!

- Alexandre. - Yes, papa.

The Marquise is leaving.

- Stay a little longer, dear Madame? - Any minute, now.

Ah, no, I've been standing for 2 hours, so good bye. Home!

Alexander, you sure it wasn't Notre Dame?

Will we get lunch anyway?

- Better luck next time. - Piss off!

Papa, mama, what now?

- Two hours late. Two! - What'll people think?

Pivert is a useless ass!

What's that?

Mama, what is that?

'TEN... HUTT!

Here I am. Allez, allez!

General, here I am! Here!

Pivert!

I'm here. Coming!

Stay, Reverend. I'm the father of the bride.

You? A Rabbi?!

It's a scandal, Pivert! A SCANDAL

- Explain yourself! - 2 hours late and what's that disguise?

A Rabbi! I'm a Rabbi like you.

This is a Shtreimel. That, too, is a Shtreimel.

These are Curlicues. (*Payot)

- Those, too, are Curlicues! - Aah!

We're here!

That's my wife!

Turn into it!

- Mama, stop! - Shall I take the wheel?

I can't Solomon, no brakes!

What's that white smoke from the engine?

My boat! My boat.

Antoinette.

You did that on purpose!

My hat!

My boat, gluglug... Your hat...

Mademoiselle, allow me.

Are you nuts?

Papa, mama, don't start. Not today.

Jacob! It's him!

Shalom.

Pivert, what's this tribe?

Tribe?! Those are my friends, the Schmolls.

They invited me to synagogue so I invite them to church.

- Gotcha, Pivert! - Well done! - Imbecile!

Sabres... up!

Mr president...

*...

In the name of the bonds that unite our countries,

I'm glad to be the first to...

- Slimane, in the name of the law, I arrest you. - Me?

Now, there, you're making a gaffe.

And, what a cock up! Haha...

- You'll see. - Yes, we'll see.

It's OK, Minister I collared them without incident.

Release these men, imbecile!

Of course, Minister.

- Mr. President, excuse us, sir. - Ah, it's nothing.

Hmm... you!

- Thank you, 'constable'. - 'Constable'?

Because tomorrow... truuu-lut !

Truuu-lut !

... truuu-lut !

My veil! Can I have my veil back?

No.

Antoinette!

Where's she off to? Antoinette, come back!

See that, Minister? He's taking my daughter!

He just takes her and zoom!

Victor, she's gone mad.

You can't let our daughter go off with a... a...

A President of a Republic. My daughter will marry a President.

*Mazel tov.

Of course, tonight, you're coming to the bar mitzvah dinner?

Listen, Rabbi Jacob, listen.

I must confess.

Voila... I'm not Jewish.

Doesn't matter, Monsieur. We'll, keep you on anyway.