Original subtitles

Well, if you have to be on the run

from two of the most ruthless villains in the world,

never hurts to see the words,

"Free breakfast."

"Free Continental breakfast."

Hey, remind me on what continent

they eat this trash for breakfast?

Okay.

How about we sit and enjoy

our sour cream parfaits?

[sniffing]

[tense music playing]

[sighs] We should go back to Noonan's.

Babe, that's the first place Lex and Helen will look.

Plus, this is fun.

We're on the run, like Bonnie and Clyde.

- That's ridiculous. - [chuckles]

You are such a Clyde.

Yeah. I say we lay low, let tempers cool,

then reach out to Lex and Helen on our terms.

Ask them what they'd give us for it.

Fuck, no! With this, I can control my powers.

We don't have to answer to anybody anymore.

No doubt.

All I'm saying is, we don't exactly know

what this briefcase thing is.

And while it's super cool

that you can totally control your powers now,

that there might be

side effects we aren't considering.

Maybe mood related.

Oh, no. Uh, not quite finished with that.

[tense music playing]

[Kite Man gasps]

[screaming]

[Kite Man] Whoa! Babe!

[Golden Glider] There's something creepy about those guys, Chuck.

They wanted the briefcase.

All right. Well, maybs still a smidge of an overreact-sh.

- [cell phone ringing] - Uh, babe,

I know we're not answering to anyone,

but I feel like we should take this.

- It's Noonan. - FIne.

And next time, there better be yogurt down here!

And some eggs fucking Benedict!

[exclaims] Stop it.

[Noonan] All right. I did some digging.

When you open the case, is there something inside?

- Yeah. - Good.

- Does it glow? Okay. - Yeah.

When you look at it,

do you see the struggle of chaos over empathy?

The all-knowing and the unknowable?

The faint shrieks of the damned

ringing in the caverns of your soul?

Uh... yeah.

What you have is definitely

the Anti-Life Equation.

- The what? - [Noonan] The most feared

weapon in the universe.

They say it bestows the power to enslave minds.

That there's no telling what it does

to whoever holds it.

- [Kite Man] Okie-doke. - [Noonan] Listen...

bad people are looking for that.

If you got somewhere to hide,

I suggest you go there.

I think I know just the place.

A resort and spa?

[Kite Man] Babe, here we can be on the run for our lives

and have a relaxing, couple's getaway.

Plus, I trust the owner. He's an old friend.

Kite Man!

Damn good to see you!

♪ Hell yeah! ♪

[Gus] So glad you're back together, Fables.

And I forgot how much I love that outfit.

Yeah, feels good.

That cockroach Insect Queen

scurried into her cocoon real fast

once I got my body back.

Thanks for throwing me the party.

Of course. I love throwing re-capitation parties.

This party is lifting my spirits,

which had been crushed

after I did not win Sexiest Villain.

Well, I suppose you could say you're technically

the second sexiest.

Oh! Well, I haven't thought of that.

Second sexiest is the first un-sexiest.

[Bane groans]

Back in business, huh?

Let's just say I got some killing to catch up on.

But first, gonna kill these glutes

in my Bangin' Booty class.

Give my legs their "damn" back.

[Moe] Yeah, must be nice

to do a workout class or, you know, walk.

Hold up. Anybody else feel that?

I think a super fucking ungrateful breeze

- just blew through. - Oh. Wow.

So I'm supposed to, what,

thank you after you blew my shot with Insect Queen?

She was gonna eat you,

- you dumb motherfucker! - Says you.

You're welcome.

You're just jealous she was so into me.

Y'all hearing this shit?

Go on, bears.

Lick that half naked ingrate out of that honey.

Oh, sure! Walk away!

Got your body back, suddenly you're too good for Moe!

[Frank] This is the most premier, high-end resort in the country.

We got fresh air for days.

- Is that a nuclear power plant? - You're damn right it is.

That's how I got the land so cheap.

Smart. This place is gorgeous, Frank.

[laughs] Thanks.

I provide Gotham's rich and famous

with an exclusive private getaway.

Hey, now look here, don't worry.

I got you off the books. Our highest level of privacy.

I understand you got a little trinket

that some bad peeps want.

Sure do.

Bit of a Catch Twenty Dos,

can't let it fall into the wrong hands.

Can't keep it in our hands.

It's turned my cuddly, snuggle bear

into a bit of a grizzly, murder bear.

So, yeah, still noodling on how we get rid of it.

No, we are not.

Well, you can trust the old Frank there, snuggle bear.

I'll keep it quiet. And while you're here

enjoy a massage, a sauna, rent bikes, whatever you want.

You know Frank got you, baby.

Mom?

Ooh, bike ride and picnic around the nuke plant could be fun.

[Bane grunts]

[phone vibrates]

'Splode my mother!

- Are you kidding me? - What is it?

Lex and Helen want to meet with me privately.

Saying it's super important.

The hell, you think they want?

Isn't it obvious?

They want Bane at the big boy table.

I thought you said Lex Luthor treated you like rubbish.

Um, no. I said "garbage."

But that was before Helen.

She knows a supervillain when she sees one.

She clearly convinced Lex that I'm worthy of respect.

Uh-huh...

But, do not worry.

I will not forget about you guys.

You will all have minor jobs

at my supervillain 'ministration.

- Ugh. - Thank you, I guess.

Yeah, right, I'm holding my breath.

Um, Fables, is that a friend of yours?

Goddamn it! Goldilocks got out?

Do you want some cigarettes?

Cigarettes are too smokey.

Right. Um, Fables...

Ugh! I forgot how annoying she is.

All right, you golden little shit, back in the book.

Hmph! I don't want to.

Come on, in the book.

Um, looks like the little lady does not want to go, Fables.

Maybe you should let her stay for a bit?

Then somebody's gotta watch her.

I'm late for Bangin' Booty.

Then I'm getting my nails done.

- Oh, hell no. [chuckles] - I'm not a fuckin' babysitter.

Fine! Then you're babysitting, Bane.

[Goldilocks] Yay!

[sputters] Well, the thing is,

I am not great with kids.

Happy birthday, Liam.

What... what is this?

[Bane] Hm. It is despair.

Um, I was hoping for a swan?

Despair is what comes

when we do not get the things we hope for.

[crying]

Okay! Um...

Perhaps anguish?

Uh, misery?

Or... or a poodle?

So, yeah. Not really a babysitter.

Hmm.

I suppose I could keep an eye

for a short bit.

- Bye. - But do not forget.

I have got my big Lex and Helen thing later.

So...

[Frank] Hey! Hey, of course,

our pool with full-service cabanas and swim-up bar.

[cheering]

Yeah, yeah, I see you! [chuckles]

We're also the premiere bachelorette party destination.

It says SPF 40.

But it's more like SPF 69.

[laughing]

I just had three moles removed, so...

Georgia O'Keefe's great-granddaughter, Amber,

is getting married next weekend.

Amber, I am so happy for you.

No, I just-- Seriously? You deserve it.

Second time is the charm.

This is pretty wild.

[Amber] Oh, hey! The stripper's here!

You gonna lose that suit or what?

Yeah! Come on, green bean.

Show us what you got!

Oh, uh, no, actually, not a stripper.

Just here on some serious business.

With his serious girlfriend.

Ooh, "Serious girlfriend."

Sounds serious.

[mockingly] Yeah, well it is.

[normal voice] We live together.

Ooh! She lives with a stripper!

Okay, now, ladies, I'm very flattered...

Oh, you're flattered?

Not at all flattered.

Anyway, hope it's a lovely wedding.

Forget ice skates.

Take it off!

[laughs]

Forget me?

Oh, I don't think so.

[screams]

[Golden Glider] Where ya goin', ladies?

The party's just starting.

Come on, don't run! It's Amber's weekend.

Let's pick out some bridesmaid dresses,

you trash bags!

Holy shitballs! Code red!

I need some cabana staff out here, stat!

Ladies, take it easy.

- Everything's gonna be cool. - [popping loudly]

- Ooh! - Oh!

- Babe, babe! Calm down, please. - [Frank] That's fucked up!

Now, come on. Just calm down.

[sighs] Now they'll never forget me.

I don't know what the fuck that was,

but I can't have you coming in here, melting my customers.

Absolutely, Frank.

Ixnay on the elting-may of the ustomers-kay.

You have my word. Won't happen again.

- Right, babe? - [muffled] I don't know.

And you can take that to the bank.

You got one night and that's it.

I'll take you to your bungalow.

But in the morning, you are out of here.

Okay. Yeah. No, I guess that's fair.

[sighs] After you, Glider.

God damn it. I'm probably gonna have to comp that O'Keefe room.

- You got Frank fucked up. - [sighs]

[Bane] Oh, my God!

Do not go shopping with Goldilocks.

That was a day at the mall I'd like to forget.

"This one's too tight, this one's too lose..."

Jesus Christ! Pick a fucking dress!

Particular, ain't she?

- Do you want something? - A milkshake.

I cannot believe Fables is not back.

Can you watch Goldie?

Hey! This stool is too wobbly.

- Forget it. - I made a business plan

for Lex and Helen.

With some sweet graphs and charts.

You know, for when we join forces.

Anyway, I want to go print it out.

[Goldilocks] This milkshake is too cold.

Half-hour, tops.

This milkshake is too hot.

How can a milkshake be too hot?

I hate this bloody cunt.

Language!

Come on, Goldie. Let's go.

PO Boxes and So Forth

closes in 20 minute!

[slurping]

[sighs]

Hello. I am in a rush and I need to print a 37-page--

Just a moment, sir.

Hey, kiddo.

I bet you'd like a lollipop.

- No, no, no, you don't want-- - Yucky!

This lollipop is too sweet.

Goddamnit!

Okay. Well, let me see if I have another one.

Really not necessary.

- Again, up against the clock here. - Ugh!

This one is too sour.

I want full-color collated...

Oh, maybe I have one more option.

And I need it, like, yesterday.

This one is just right.

Aw, good!

Now, I'm sorry, sir, but we're closing.

Perhaps you can come back tomorrow?

[sputtering] What?

That is what I was entirely trying to avoid

with my urgency!

These store hours will be your reckoning!

You are lucky I am with child.

Hey, Kite Man, join me.

Thanks, bud. And I insist I'm paying for this.

No shit, you're paying for it. It's gonna cost me a fortune

to fix everything your girlfriend broke.

[sighs] Yeah, I...

I'm sorry, Frank.

Mm-hm. It's not your fault.

Good to see you found somebody, man.

I always thought you had a raw deal in the Ivy thing.

Well, it was for the best,

but I'm kind of feeling

like I'm about to be a two-time loser in love.

Glider hasn't been the same

since she got this Anti-life Equation.

Mm-hm. Once you get that kind of power,

that shit goes to your head.

It's so weird.

It's gotten inside her brain but doesn't do anything to me.

Speaking of, "Don't do anything,"

where's your fucking kite?

I traded it for a power

that turned me into a world-class a-hole.

If it wasn't for Glider, I'd still be "Beast Mode."

As soon as she saved me, I knew right then

I never wanted another power.

No, thanks.

[chuckles] Well, there it is.

- What? - She wants control.

Briefcase makes her a control freak.

You don't want nothing, so it does nothing to you.

Huh.

I have got to get her back to herself.

I mean, it is kind of tricky

dating someone who kills indiscriminately

and can enslave the minds of all living beings.

Hm. So that's why so many villains want that briefcase.

Yep, and I'm afraid of what they'll do with it.

But then again, we sure can't keep it.

Yeah, real pickle you got there.

[slurping]

Well, I should probs get a little shut eye. Thanks, Frank.

Sleep well, Kite Man.

There is still no sign

- of Kite Man and Golden Glider. - Really?

I thought your precious all-knowing algorithm

would have found them by now.

Oh, have you tried unplugging it

and then plugging it back in?

I don't care for your sarcasm.

Perhaps you should leave the villainy to a professional.

Like it or not, Luthor,

if we want to find the briefcase,

we have to work together.

For now.

That's why I summoned Bane.

He's easily manipulated

and will certainly lead us to Kite Man.

- You're welcome. - And what if he can't?

- Then we kill him. - [doors slam]

What is up, team?

Look, I hope you have a good A/V set up

- because I couldn't print-- - Bane.

I didn't know you had a--

Oh, no, just baby-sitting.

This is Goldilocks.

Do not worry.

It'll be like she's not even here.

Well, sweetie, how about you find a place to sit

- while the grown-ups talk? - Bane,

this may be the most important--

This seat is too soft.

Goldie, can you just move to another one?

- [humming] - Bane,

the balance of power in the universe--

This seat is too hard.

For fuck's sake, put a muzzle on that kid.

Well, hold up, Lex.

I don't think we need the harsh language.

I agree. Why don't you find another seat, sweetheart?

Bane, you're going to give us the location of Kite Man--

This seat is too high.

- Jesus Christ! - You know what,

you spoiled little shit?

I paid a lot for these couches.

You will not talk to her in that manner!

We'll talk to that brat however we want.

"Brat"? How dare you?

She knows what she wants

and will not settle for something

that is not just right.

A lesson I should have learned long ago.

- I pass on your offer. - We made no offer.

- [Bane yells] - Jesus!

Come on, Goldie. We're leaving.

[Goldilocks] Mr. Bane,

- you're just right. - Aw.

You're not going anywhere until you tell us where Golden--

That won't be necessary.

Excuse me?

Look at that, Lex.

Seems it's time for the professionals

to take charge.

- [groans] - I don't call it work.

I call it fun.

[laughs]

"Calm down." Why would he want me to calm down?

Other people need to calm down.

I'm doing great.

I mean, do I feel a little weird?

Yeah, maybe.

But also, I have never felt better.

[Rebecca] You've never been better.

- Mom... - Our time has arrived, Lisa.

We've been laughed at, forgotten,

- abandoned. - You abandoned me.

I made you strong.

But we were not made for this world, you and I.

- We weren't? - That's why I left, darling.

Why I went searching for the one thing

that could make us whole.

And you found it.

The thing that would make all the pain

and the loneliness worth it.

The thing that would finally give you control.

I can control it now.

And we are now more powerful than all of them.

We can rule as mother and daughter.

But what about Chuck?

Chuck? Don't you mean Beast Mode?

Don't buy the nice guy routine.

You've seen the real him.

He's in the way of everything you want.

Mom?

Uh, yeah, babe?

Uh, we should prob get some zzz's, huh?

Chuck, are you in the way of everything I want?

I'm sorry. What now?

Don't be.

We could be the most powerful villain couple in the universe.

Enslaving the minds of--

Okay, okay, babe, I'm gonna have to use one of my timeouts here.

I think the Equation is going to your head.

And quite frankly, I'm tired of being polite about it.

[scoffs] Oh, really?

You're starting to sound like someone

who'd like to have his mind enslaved.

- Huh? - [both grunt]

- The hell? - [Frank chuckles]

Sorry, Kite Man.

Frank! You sold us out?

You bastard!

Hey, I'm a plant. I always lean toward the sun.

And by sun, I mean a huge bag of Helen Villigan's money.

[laughs]

How is it we keep running into each other?

I did not consent to this lick-down.

Okay, keep talking.

I'll send you back to that bottomless

breadstick factory you came from,

you ungrateful meatball.

I'm ungrateful?

I let your head take up space on my body

rent-free there, Mother Goose.

- You miserable... - You insufferable...

Gorgeous, sexy bastard.

I've missed you, baby.

- Mm... - Ah...

[Bane] Ooh, good!

Your mommy and, uh...

step-Moe are...

- [bears grunt] - [Bane] Well...

Maybe let's cover your eyes.

[kissing noises]

Uh, and mine too.

Well, isn't that touching?

Yeah, I'd say that's a lot of touching, all right.

- [meows] - [vomits]

[Helen] It's over, Golden Glider.

Give us the Anti-life Equation.

- Fuck off. - There's no sense in fighting.

You can't enslave the minds of robots.

And by the time you melt their hafnium carbide armor,

- Kite Man will be dead. - [Kite Man gulps]

So hand it over and we'll all go home.

Babe, as much as I want to get rid of this thing,

I feel like giving it to Helen is a bad idea.

No shit! Any good ideas?

Maybe get the hell out of here?

Okay. It's something. Let's do it.

[grunts]

[clanging]

[grunts]

- [clangs] - [grunts]

Hell yeah, Chuck!

Disc-golf skills have many applications, babe.

[grunts]

- [strains] - Fuck!

I would, babe, but usually like to be on top of the bed.

[laughs]

That was pretty good, babe.

Now run for the door!

Damn it! Get me that briefcase.

[grunts]

Ugh! They're still here?

Amber, this stripper is so--

[all scream]

[groans]

[grunts]

Unless they're working on their backhand, babe,

this won't hold them for long.

[strains, grunts]

But I've got an idea.

- What is it? - I shouldn't say it out loud, babe,

but it rhymes with puke-ular sour chant.

What? Oh!

Okay, good call.

Where the hell are they going?

After them!

Chuck, this is brilliant.

From here I can vaporize them all in one shot.

Show Helen who's in charge now.

Uh, babe, that's not exactly what I was thinking.

I think we should chuck that thing into the reactor.

Are you kidding me?

No! I'd sooner chuck you into the reactor, Chuck.

Babe, I made a mistake when I got a power.

It took me to a bad place.

But you never gave up on me.

I know it might not feel like it,

but the same thing is happening to you.

The Equation is corrupting you.

It wants to destroy us and everything we love.

Probably even pizza.

So, you want me to give up control of my powers?

The thing that's made me feel stronger than I ever have

in my entire life?

I won't do it.

I will never stop fighting for you.

Don't.

- Babe... Fine. - Don't babe me, Chuck.

Huh-- Mm.

- [sizzles] - [rumbling]

You feel that babe?

That kiss rumbled because I threw

a little bonus emotion in it and a little bit more tongue.

I don't think that was the kiss, babe.

- Oh, shit. [exclaims] - Hold on!

Goddamn!

- [Kite Man] How do you feel, babe? - [sighs]

[Golden Glider] Like myself again.

And kinda hungover.

We did it. [chuckles]

Should we go check it out?

Oh.

Hell, no.

[theme music playing]

♪ Hell yeah! ♪

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