All language subtitles for Jiminy.Glick.In.Lalawood.2004.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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(matchstick cracking)

(bright music)

(matchstick cracking)

- In the very beginning,

there is neither a script nor a story.

Just fragments.

Images.

I like the idea of a dark road,

for I know that the darkness of the unknown

is like a magnet,

luring the innocent

into a world of corruption.

(dramatic orchestral music) (people chattering)

In 1958, screen goddess Lana Turner

was drawn into a violent love affair.

- Nobody gives Johnny Stompanato his walking papers!

Nobody!

(dramatic orchestral music)

(knife clattering)

- Her daughter, Cheryl,

felt compelled to terminate her mother's anguish.

(people chattering)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(Lana sobs)

(Lana screams)

Johnny Stompanato's journey
ended that night in Hollywood,

while ours continued to Butte, Montana.

And our hero, an obscure
celebrity interviewer named

Jiminy Glick.

- Welcome to Lalawood.

And what excitement we have today.

We have one of the great stars,

the First Lady of Butte, Montana's stage,

Miss Arlene Sheehy. Arlene.

- You know, I was counting,

and this is my 21st appearance on your show.

- Mmm.

- And, and every appearance
is more thrilling than the last.

- Yes, it really is, it's an amazing thing.

You just have a...

I think 'cause you're just so interesting.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

- Right back at you. (both laughing)

- This is gonna be good.

You're an actress... Yeah.

- But you also work at the fragrance department

at Morgan's department store.

How do you balance the two?

- Well, you know, I think it's important for an artist

to have many avenues to express themselves.

- Would you do nudity?

- If it was tastefully done.

- Well, it couldn't be, dear.

- Well, I can think of some-

- No, it couldn't be, trust me, it couldn't be.

Your parents were circus people.

What was that like?

- Think of "Show Boat," Jiminy.

Think of "Show Boat"- - I love "Show Boat!"

- Isn't that just... Ava Gardner.

- Yes!

- You know what I loved

about Ava Gardner? - What?

- She had that cleft in her chin. (laughs)

I think it's wonderful!

And Michael Jackson spent all this money

to get it surgically. - Oh, don't even go there-

- He's a sick, sick, sick man.

- Can we talk about that nose?

- You know, he's the father of three

and the mother of two. - Well-

- That's an unusual boy.

Oh, that's wonderful.

- Listen, I've heard a rumor

that you are going to the Toronto Film Festival.

- Oh, (laughs) I am so excited.

It's the first time I've ever...

And this is one of the biggest festivals

in North America. - I know.

- I'm moist almost everywhere! - Oh, honey!

- See you next week.

See you in Toronto.

(laughs) I'm going! (matchstick cracking)

- [David] Going down his own dark road.

(David cackles)

(bright music)

- I'm a journalist.

Is it wrong for me to ask for autographs?

'Cause I'm telling her, if I see Reese Witherspoon,

I'm gonna plotz, as the Jewish people say.

♪ We're going all night ♪

♪ Yeah, 'cause it's all right ♪

♪ When we hit the floor ♪

♪ We're going all night ♪

- Oh, look at that big building.

- Oh!

(Jiminy laughing) Oh!

Look at that!

- Oh, that's a phallic-looking thing!

Remind you of anybody? (laughs)

- No. (upbeat music)

♪ I'm gonna pick you up ♪

♪ The top is down ♪

♪ And here we go, who cares how far ♪

♪ They all make room when ♪

- You know, when we get to that hotel room,

we're having mommy-daddy moments,

I'm telling you that right now.

♪ We're goin' crazy ♪ ♪ We're goin' crazy ♪

♪ Everyone's moving ♪

♪ So come and get me ♪

♪ If you can ♪

♪ We're going all night ♪

♪ Yeah, 'cause it's all right ♪

♪ When we hit the floor ♪

♪ We're goin' all night ♪

♪ And when the daylight comes ♪

♪ Gonna beg for more ♪

- When I say a little kiss, I don't need a,

I don't need Ethel Merman's tongue shoved in my throat.

I just don't need it.

♪ And I really like ♪

♪ The way the music speaks ♪

♪ I think I'll dance till the sun comes up ♪

♪ We're goin' crazy ♪

♪ Everyone's moving ♪

♪ So come and get me ♪

- Now, Canadians, you know what they remind me of?

They look like Russians

who are pretending to be American.

There's often a unibrow,

and hygiene doesn't seem to be that important.

And always that constant
stench of cigarettes and booze.

♪ Oh, we're goin' all night ♪

♪ Yeah, 'cause it's all right ♪

♪ When we hit the floor ♪

♪ We're goin' all night and when the daylight ♪

- Oh, this is just super!

(door thuds) - It's Ben Di Carlo!

(crowd chattering)

- Come on, boys.

Very good job.

Come on.

(people chattering)

Hello.

Is that anyone?

(cameras clicking) (people chattering)

(elevator dings) - It's fine with me.

If you wanna oblige them.

Shoulder pads aren't a problem.

Oh, let's go.

- It's Ben Di Carlo!

(people screaming)

- Oh, you horrible, wretched little girls!

- Anybody? Anybody? - Nah, too old.

- Okay, thanks a lot, folks.

This is gonna hurt us more than it's gonna hurt you.

I'm gettin' too old for this.

- Ben di Carlo! Oh, my-

- He is one good-looking boy, I'll tell you that.

- Oh, he's in the elevator.

- He's a fine-looking boy.

- Yeah, I guess. I don't really get it.

It's just a guy thing, I guess.

We don't see it the same way.

But he's an enigma!

What does an enigma mean?

Ugh! Ignorance!

I'm surrounded by their
ignorance every second of the day.

- I can, I can smell the ignorance.

- [Jiminy] Come on. Let's go.

(both laughing)

- I wasn't ready!

- I don't know what's so complicated

about you getting an SUV.

Not a minivan.

I didn't ask for no minivan.

- We are here for our movie, "The Littlest Roach."

- Excuse me, um-

- What's going on? - How can I help you?

- I just wanted to know where check-in was.

- Oh, actually, you can just right around the corner.

- Why you talking to him?

I'm right here in your face... I get you a minivan.

- You know, I'm relieved to see

that there are some Black people in Canada.

I know there's about a dozen of them,

a baker's dozen, someone told me.

(gasps) Oh, my God, Miranda Coolidge.

- About the film. - I know.

- This is a new type of role for you, no?

- This film is so beautifully directed by um...

And the lighting... Hey.

- Which is so... Hey.

Hey, Miranda, man.

What is up in the daytime? On the place.

- I'm in an interview right now.

- Just give me five minutes.

- I am waiting for you now there

is 15 minutes by the elevator, okay?

Excuse me, round person,
that is the end of the interview.

- Hey, hey! Hey!

- Round?

- Do not be so loud in public.

- You need to fuck off now.

- I cannot fuck off.

- Now, you need to find some other person to annoy

and get the fuck out of my face.

- She was a big drunk for a while, though.

She was... I know. She looks good.

- They say she's barely insurable.

- Take this terrible machine.

You cannot,

you cannot speak this. - Okay, okay.

- This is a terrible machine. It goes away.

- Don't touch my stuff. - Don't touch me, man.

- Okay... I am not a homoist.

- She's definitely, just that's not a normal look.

- You gotta stop this right now.

This is not going to happen here, man.

This is Toronto Film Festival, man.

You can't be, you can't be a smelly person

with your tits hanging out all over the place.

You've got to go upstairs and be a good girl, okay, man?

Come with me.

- Mommy's gonna go upstairs. - Thank you.

- Don't kiss him. Don't kiss him.

It's a room key. I cannot get it out.

Get the, reach into my asshole

and take this out of my pants.

Take that away.

Can you feel it there?

- Yeah... Don't touch my ass!

- Hello, yes, it's Jiminy and Dixie Glick checking in.

- [Dixie] G-L-I-C-K.

- Yes, and we have two boys who are under,

who are eight years of age.

- They're eight? - Yes.

- They're big for their age.

- How can I prevent her from getting intoxicated?

How can I prevent her from talking to stringers?

- I don't know.

That's why I hire you. - Oh.

- She was doing fine.

Mom was answering the questions fine.

- Natalie, baby, you are beautiful woman.

Why do you speak?

You look great.

People in the room say, "Look at the girl.

She has wonderful tits.

I go upstairs alone, and I rub against things."

- Oh, thank you.

- I'm sorry, I don't have anything for Glick.

- G-L-I-C-K. - Right, G-L-I-C-

- This is our itinerary.

- Dixie. - Itin-itiner-

- Dixie and Jiminy.

- How do you say that word?

Say that word.

- Itinerary. - Yeah, see, I can't say it.

- I-tint-er-ary, or whatever it is.

- Ooh, I can't wait to take a hot bath.

(camera clicks)

- Nice. I had a laser-

- Oh!

- Yeah, this isn't a reservation for the Fairmont.

It's a reservation for the Fairmount.

- Oh. - The Fairmount.

- Well, what, what, what is,

what is the Fairmount like?

(bell dings) (wind howling)

(ominous music) (wind howling)

Gee, that's a nice-sized beaver.

- Thank you.

- No, I'm talking about

this fella here. - Oh! Oh!

(Jiminy whistles)

Although yours is nicely shaped.

(singer singing in foreign language)

- What's that?

(singer singing in foreign language)

- What?

(singer singing in foreign language)

(shoes clacking)

(singer singing in foreign language)

- [Jiminy] Yes, hello.

(singer singing in foreign language)

(shoes clacking)

(singer singing in foreign language)

- Excuse me, do you work for the hotel?

- No, I'm David Lynch.

I'm, um, a director.

- Well, who isn't, dear?

And I bet you have a treatment.

- As a matter of fact, I do.

I, I, I like the idea of, of a, a dark road,

um, uh, for I know that a darkness is like a magnet

to madness.

(dramatic orchestral music)

The story I'm creating is a mystery dipped

and drowning in despair.

(person screaming)

It involves a small-time celebrity interviewer-

- Normally, I would kill to hear the rest of it,

but they're doing a retrospective
on Joey Travolta on E!

On the siblings of celebrities series,

and I'm gonna buggy-whip myself if I miss one frame!

- Okey-dokey.

- Are you the Glicks?

(upbeat jazz music)

I've been waiting for you.

- Oh, that's kinda... Come, boys, come.

Bring the bag.

- Don't drop anything!

- [Jiminy] Gee, this lobby smells

like Courtney Love's couch.

(dramatic orchestral music)

- All right, now, y'all, we cannot put this off anymore.

Now both of you been in a little trouble at school.

- [Jiminy] What's the concern here?

- It's sexual

- What sexual concerns have you?

- Well, I, I don't really know where babies come from.

- (exhales sharply) You are 13.

He's 13.

Have you not spoken to the boy?

- I had to explain to you how babies come.

- I know, because my mother was illiterate,

and she didn't educate me at all.

But I don't want him to live through the torment!

I was 21, boys, and totally uninformed.

Things would happen to me in the downstairs world,

and I would go to emergency.

I'd say, "What's happened?

Have I been stung by a bee?"

And they'd laugh at me.

And that's not the kind of thing

I want to have happen to you.

This makes you look bad as a mother.

- I beg your pardon!

When you have two boys like this

coming out of your loins at the same time,

I believe you've done your duty as a momma.

- What does that have to do with the fact

that they don't understand about sex?

- That's not my problem.

It's way above and beyond the call of duty.

- At a certain point, the, the male father...

The male father daddy,

he looks at his wife lady,

and he says,

"Mmm, I love them..." (Dixie burps)

Are you gonna just burp
through all this explanation?

I'm trying to talk to the boys

about something that they should know.

(Dixie burps)

At one point,

the father looks at the mother, and she says...

What are you looking for?

- My napkin.

(Dixie farts)

- This is how babies are born.

I want you to listen carefully.

Papa, papa male boy,

looks at the lady and says,

"Oh, my God.

(sniffs) Is that Shalimar you're wearing?"

And you go up to her and sniff.

You sniff her intensely,

and the next thing you know, there's a writhing,

and there's a moaning and a groaning,

and that's just getting the pants off.

(siren blaring) (traffic droning)

- Dagmar, you Danish Queer, man, get me my money.

How am I going to advertise this film?

Good-bye.

- I'm not secure.

- You be secure, now.

- I'm not secure with this movie.

- Be secure, man.

- We maybe have acted unwisely.

- Are you serious right now?

- Yes.

- I thought last night was so sweet and beautiful.

I can't believe you're saying that.

- I think you need to reconsider-

- I think you're scared.

- Your options here.

- I think you're scared of what my mom is gonna think,

and I'm telling you, she thinks it's cool.

She knows I go both ways.

(siren blaring)

(elevator dings) - We got a serious problem.

I done showed y'all this hardcore,

and you startin' to punk out
with your little African stuff.

You got to be more Brooklyn!

- Listen, man, I'm not from Brooklyn, okay?

I'm from the Debumbwe-

- I know... And I want to go home.

This is not who I am.

- I don't care if it's who you are, this is who you is.

You understand what I'm saying?

There's a difference between are and is.

First of all, your language, man, it ain't hard enough.

- No, man, you never say enough stuff.

- What, what should I say?

- Like, "Nah, mean," just watch MTV.

You hear how many times people say, "Nah, mean?"

Nah... Nah, right?

- Give me, give me an example for real.

- I be gettin' mad with people,

"Nah, mean?"

You gotta be in there with it.

- I would bitch-slap all 17 of my bitches,

Yao Ming?

- No, that's the basketball player!

- Not Yao Ming! Nah, mean!

- Nah, mean. - Yeah.

- And then there's the five-second rule, man.

- Tell him about it.

- When you say something, it means you mean, you mean it

if you hold your face for five seconds.

People won't fuck with you, but you gotta surprise 'em.

Man, I'll knock your ass out!

- One, two, three, four, five.

- See? I'm for real. - You believe-

- I'm for real!

- Yao Ming? - Nah, mean!

(door knocking)

- Oh, hi! - Hi.

Hi, Sharon Campbell, festival coordinator.

- Sharon Campbell. We've been waiting for you.

- Oh. - Oh, this is fun.

(door thuds)

- Oh, hi. - These are my two boys.

- Oh, look at you!

- Modine.

- Hello, Modine. - Hello.

- And this is Matthew. They're twins.

- I can see that.

- We named them after Matthew Modine

because we were a big fan of his work in "Birdy."

- Brilliant actor.

- Oh, this is my wife, Dixie. - Oh, hi!

- Hello. (laughs) - Hello.

- How are you? Dixie Glick. - Nice to meet you. Wonderful.

- Listen, we have something dripping from our ceiling.

Would you excuse me while I clean it off?

Lord knows what it could be.

Hope it's not human waste.

(all laughing)

I'm gonna clean it up. - That gets bad-

- If it's human waste, save some from me.

What does that mean?

- We have you all set for the premier tonight,

with Ben... Yes.

- The big one. Everybody's slated to be there.

- I'm a huge, huge Ben Di Carlo fan.

- This is just gonna be the best!

(bright music) ♪ We're going all night ♪

♪ Yeah, 'cause it's all right ♪

♪ When we hit the floor ♪

- It's just so rare that there's an event

of excitement in the world of show business.

It's so unusual for people to
get dressed up and assemble

to celebrate themselves.

I think that's what makes this night,

so very special and unique to its own.

Oh, who's here? (people chattering)

From the back, I think it's Alanis Morissette.

Or it could be Mickey Rourke.

Often I get those two confused.

♪ We're going all night ♪

♪ And in the daylight ♪

♪ Is gonna beg for more ♪

- This way, Kiefer.

Kiefer!

Kiefer, Kiefer, Kiefer Sutherland!

Kiefer, Kiefer, Kiefer, Kiefer.

Kiefer, Kiefer.

Kiefer, Kiefer.

Kiefer.

This way, Kiefer.

Kiefer.

♪ And I really like the way ♪

♪ The music's feelin' ♪

♪ Think I'll dance till the sun comes up ♪

- Oh, my God, it's Cedric the Entertainer!

Oh, I love you!

I think you're-

- I ain't no Cedric the Entertainer.

I'm Randall Big Phallus Bookerton.

My boy's got a new little

movie coming out. - Yeah.

- We just wanna thank God
for letting us write that bitch.

- Obviously, they,

they speak for gangster
rap and attitudes, (indistinct)

let, dear, let me finish.

Attitudes that happen in the
streets, places like Compton,

places I've never been.

Kiefer, Kiefer!

Kiefer, Kiefer, Kiefer!

The wonderful Holly Hunter is here tonight,

and I can't wait to meet Holly

because Holly is someone that my wife Dixie and I

have often role played.

She'll be Holly Hunter and I'll be Garth Brooks,

and we'll dress up.

And she'll wear a hoop skirt, and sometimes I will.

- Kiefer! - Kiefer, Kiefer!

Kiefer, Kiefer!

Kiefer's coming back!

I like him now.

Well, I thought he had passed us.

I despised the boy.

I thought he was arrogant.

Now, he's coming by to do press.

Now, he's my new best friend. (laughs)

I love the shallowness of it all!

And you're Canadian, I hear.

What's that about?

- Um, well, this is a fantastic country.

What is that, what is that about?

Um... That was my question, dear.

- I know, I'm, I'm tryna,

I'm tryna, I've never actually had to-

- Eventually, the show will start.

Don't you wanna just finally answer it?

- Yeah...

What is it about? Is it for me?

It's been a fantastic... That's what I asked.

- It's, it's where I come from

and it's, um... What?

- Canada.

- [Jiminy] You're Canadian?

I didn't know that. - Yes. Yes, it's true.

♪ We're going all night ♪

- [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

the Executive Producer of "Growing Up Gandhi,"

Barry King. (audience clapping)

- Hello. Bonjour.

I am Barry King, (speaking in
foreign language) Barry King.

What is genius?

Can we touch genius?

Can we taste genius?

- My husband Jiminy is a reporter.

- Yes, I, yes, I, I do.

I-I'm going to review this, this film, for Butte, Montana.

- Or must we also be a genius to recognize genius,

the way dogs are able to recognize other dogs

or homosexuals can always suss out other gays

in clubs and bars?

Gaydar.

- You look up the word fun in the dictionary,

you'll see our picture.

(all laughing)

(Dixie coughs)

- Please say hello to Ben Di Carlo.

(audience cheering) (audience clapping)

- Wonderful.

Ha-ha-ha!

Stand up, everyone!

- So this is my homage to Mahatma Gandhi,

who, for those of you who don't recognize his name,

was this wise old man from Indiana who, India.

Who...

Well, you'll see.

- You, you know Ben Di Carlos?

- We met in Vegas at showest years ago.

- Showwest? - Yeah.

- A strip club?

You show your puss? - Shh! Stop!

- For those of you who are new to art movies,

I'll just give you one a little helping hint,

keep an eye out for the, the falling rose petals.

I, I guess that's it. Thanks.

(audience clapping)

(gentle music)

(bright music)

- [Narrator] The world remembers Mahatma Gandhi

as a great man of peace.

But in the beginning-

(upbeat music) (bell dings)

- Mahatma, bite his ear!

Bite his ear off!

That is my boy!

That is my boy!

Mahatma, move him in!

Mahatma, take him over the top, baby, over the top!

(dramatic music)

(explosion booming)

(dramatic orchestral music)

- What the hell am I watching here?

(gentle music) (wind howling)

- I have made crap that is better movies than this

in my own toilet.

(dramatic orchestral music)

(Jiminy snoring)

- Jiminy! - What?

- Wake up!

- I am. - You have to review that.

It's over!

- Mahatma. Mahatma.

Mahatma!

Mahatma!

(people chattering)

- Hey, Barry King, man. - What?

- This terrible movie you make, man.

It's like a goose farting in your face.

- Were you asleep?

- No, I was, I was letting the words drift over me.

- Well, you've gotta review it.

- I'm gonna review it.

- We've gotta go. - Who is it?

(upbeat music)

- We go now to our entertainment correspondent,

Jiminy Glick, reporting live

from the Toronto Film Festival.

Jiminy? - Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Oh, my goodness, we are
having such a hoot here in Canada.

And everywhere you look, there are movie stars.

It's quite exciting. It's truly electric.

But if you wanna know, what's really electric,

It's the film I've just seen tonight,

starring a wonderful Ben Di Carlo, entitled,

"Growing Up Gandhi."

- Get up, fool!

Get up, fool!

- [Jiminy] "Growing Up Gandhi" tells the story

of a scantily clad Mahatma Gandhi,

and because he's almost always bare naked,

the girls just go nuts over him.

- Back off, bitch! - Oh, you little. (indistinct)

- That's unacceptable. (grunting)

- I loved it!

It has such an emotional punch to the stomach.

Not unlike the punch

that no doubt Johnny Stompanato took

when Lana Turner shoved that knife into his belly.

Or was it the daughter, Cheryl Crane?

We'll never really know, will we?

Anyway, I'd talk some more,

but I'm going off to meet some movie stars!

(upbeat music) (people chattering)

♪ It's been so long ♪

♪ And it just ain't right ♪

♪ There's gotta be a man to ignite my flame ♪

(people chattering)

- So anyway, you have to see it to...

Excuse me. (people chattering)

Because it's... (Jiminy laughing)

Excuse me, can I help you?

- You're just wonderful.

- Well, thank you.

And you are?

- Jiminy Glick. - Chimney?

- Jiminy Glick.

- Jiminy Glick-

- I'm covering this. Some press.

We're doing some interviews.

- Oh, very good.

You're from, you're local?

- I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm from the Middle West.

Butte, Montana.

- Butte Montana? - Yes.

- And you're in Toronto?

- Well, it's so weird they sent me here-

- There are no Film Festivals in Butte?

(upbeat music)

- Oprah Winfrey, how do you,

how do you do what you do so consistently?

- I stomp on everyone I can.

- And you're despised by so many.

But not by me.

- I live for that.

- And remember to spell my name right.

O-P-E-R-A.

(upbeat music) (people chattering)

- I'm sorry. You were saying?

(upbeat music) (camera clicks)

♪ Ha, ha ♪ (upbeat music)

♪ Ha, ha ♪

- [Dixie] Whew! I had so much fun last night.

- Yeah, it was fun.

- [Dixie] You've met Demi Moore.

She's a down gal.

- Isn't she cute?

- We were doing Jell-o shots all night long.

- Oh, my God, you know those breasts

have been altered by surgery.

- I know. Haven't they all.

- This is what Hollywood does.

They alter people with surgery.

And I think it's good.

- I'm tell you, who was cute, though,

was that Julie Moore, Julie?

- Julianne Moore. - Julianne Moore.

She was fun! (laughs)

- You would've loved Julianne Moore.

You would've wanted to mount her.

- I got her smoking, and she's pregnant.

- Why would you do something like that?

- (laughs) For the heck of it.

For the fun of it.

- You know, Kevin Kline,

with a, he had an attitude I didn't appreciate.

- Really? - Yes, he did.

- I found him delightful.

- Oh, I loved him in "Sophie's Choice."

I don't remember anything else he's done,

and I told him that.

And suddenly he looks at me like

I'm like this idiot or this fool.

And you know what? I resented it.

And suddenly I decided

that I hated him in "Sophie's Choice."

(door knocking)

Oh!

Look who's at the door.

- Good morning. - Good morning to you.

- Yeah!

(door creaking) (door thuds)

- Look who's here!

Hey, girl! - I'm sorry to interrupt.

- Did you survive last night?

Listen, I know, I know, y'all have to talk business,

and you know what?

I've got to go give

the boys a bath. - Oh!

- Come on, boys.

Gotta hose you down. - Okay.

- It's Thursday. Gotta get into the deep folds.

Come on. - Okay, Momma.

- I'll leave you, babe.

- [Person] Raise those arms, get those problem areas.

- No yawping, boys.

Your mother's doing this

'cause she loves you. - Okay.

- Now, tell me about today.

I am... (laughs)

I'm so scared. - Are you scared?

- Well, I'm scared and I'm excited and I'm frightened.

It's kind of how I feel when I go

to the proctologist. - Oh, what?

- Yes.

- I've never been.

I just keep that... Oh, it's wonderful.

- There's um...

Boy, I was up all last night,

just kind of going over the names

and the lists and the things and-

- Well, I mean, we saw Nicole Kidman.

I'd love to talk to her.

I'd love to find out what happened to she and Tom.

I'd really get to it. - I tell you.

- I'd find out about Scientology.

- So far, there's nothing um...

Lined up for the, uh,

the actual interviews today.

- There is nothing lined up for the interviews today?

- There's no interviews so far today.

- Have you put in our names?

- I've, I've put in your names,

and I, I, honestly, I'm just not getting, you know,

the kind of response that I-

- What about, you said,

"All these years of experience in the film business,"

why hasn't that paid off connections?

I thought everything was about connection.

- So my con...

The connections, the work that I've been doing

for the eight years has been in the video store I work

in a video store.

- Well, this is, this is kind of disappointing, isn't it?

- Oh! - Oh, Dear Lord.

Who shines his bright rays,

and created the Earth in seven
days, which isn't much, lady.

If the Dear Lord could create Earth and Heaven

and light, and continents.

Let me finish, and oceans, and whales.

- I am not Jesus.

- Well, he wasn't Jesus at the time.

I'm talking about the dad.

The dad did it, and if he can do it in seven days,

why can't you do it in two?

- You know what? I can do it by the end of the day.

I will have your interview by the end of the day.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Do I have your trust?

- No.

(elevator dings) (people chattering)

- I just feel like I'm in my, I'm, I'm,

I'm not in what I would call

my element. - Yes, I understand.

- People ain't giving me no kind of respect here.

- This is a terrible door!

Yeah. Look, look, look.

- The next hole, just take it out.

- Goddamn this door!

This is a door for a clown!

Yes, go on.

- What I'm trying to say is,

I wrote this nice little animated piece,

and ain't nobody respecting it,

understand? - I understand.

- Nobody at all.

I need to find out how to get to them.

- Oh, there's Jeff Goldblum.

- Oh, Jeff Goldblum! Look at that.

- Yeah. - He's so fly.

- Like he's gonna ever talk to me. Yeah.

- Oh, come on. (camera clicks)

Okay, let's just keep walking.

- What you need to do is become a party Negro.

You have to talk.

You have to schmoozes,

you have to have schmoozes with the Juden.

You are a proud man.

You are great blackist.

You are one of the greatest... What the-

- You have beautiful gold things on you.

A crown made from pants. You should be King.

Are you?

Are you the King of the Negroes?

- I ain't the King, but I do admit that I,

I do get a little respect

when I walk into a Negro area. - Yes.

- I'm so proud of you.

- No one's gonna talk to me.

- They will, they will.

Nobody's like you.

I love you so much, baby.

- It's a massacre.

I mean, it's like pol pot with these reviews.

Pol pot. Oh, Christ, Ira.

It's like Hannibal Lecter wrote the reviews.

- Go, go.

Come on, run, you little fuck.

Oh!

Go!

Come on, go.

Dude, I'm in the bedroom.

- So um... Get the cheese.

Get the cheese.

- Yeah, I got the whole...

I got the, some of these... Fuckin' cheese!

- I got the reviews. - No, no, no.

- Meow! - Damn it!

Have to start over at the kitchen again!

God! This is so confusing.

- You want me to call the Xbox people about this?

Should be... Four to eight, my ass.

- You wanna hear these?

I mean, I-I'm just gonna read 'em you,

so you get some idea of the,

the level of incompetence out here.

I mean, this review, it's not even a review, it's just,

they just list stuff.

You know, Hindenburg, Titanic, Vietnam.

- It's about India. - I know.

- I didn't make a war movie. - Yeah, you're right.

It's a personal, very personal attack.

Again, you know-

- [Ben] How much do we have to explain to these people?

- Oh, you explained plenty, too.

You know, I mean that's,

that's why you went up there in the first place.

- I noticed that they're all hiding

behind black-and-white words,

'cause you can't see what they look like,

'cause if I saw 'em on the street,

I'd kick their fucking asses.

- You have every reason to do that.

Every right to do that.

- And I could... Blah, blah.

"Di Carlo's performance is a
rehash of his Ozone character,

albeit with smaller biceps."

- Small, smaller biceps?

Of course I had smaller biceps!

It's Gandhi! He didn't eat!

Goddamn it!

None of 'em, none of 'em get it!

None of 'em get shit!

Damn it!

I wasn't, I wasn't doing bicep curls, or tris, or lats!

None of that shit.

I was doing all the free, the spinning and shit.

Looked like a fag in there, with all the Lycra

and all those fucking guys looking at me and shit.

- Well, you don't have to wear that.

- I'm, God bless America.

- Just calm down. You want me to...

Go to the minibar.

- This is what I'm talking about.

- Right.

- This is what these critics choose to,

because they're the kids in
high school that I picked on,

and they're getting their revenge, just like you.

Ahh!

- Jesus, like... I'm going home!

Canada, you suck! (glass shattering)

And where's my nail file?

Fuck! (object thuds)

Ah!

Not one!

Not one good review, the little...

You can make up something else for why I'm leaving,

this is bullshit, bar. (glass shattering)

And there's this, this,

this shampoo here sucks!

- Ira, who is this?

Jiminy Glick?

- This is sensational.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Oh, I'm loving what you're giving me, my lady.

Oh! Ah!

(Jiminy barks) (Dixie coughs)

(Jiminy barks and moaning) (door knocking)

Who possibly could be interrupting me

in the throes of passion?

- Jiminy! - Ow!

- Yes?

Is there any way I can be of assistance to you?

- I'm terribly sorry to interrupt.

Um, I'm just here to tell you that I did manage

to get an interview.

- Oh. - Yeah.

It is none other than,

Ben Di Carlo.

- Ben Di Carlo? - Ben Di Carlo.

- Oh, you're kidding.

Oh, that's wonderful. - I'm not kidding! I know!

- Dixie, stop pleasuring yourself for a second.

We've got Ben Di Carlo as an interviewee.

(laughs) That's wonderful. - Yeah.

- Come on back to bed. - Good on you.

- Well, you're bearing gifts yourself, I can see,

so I won't keep you.

(both laughing)

- You've seen the crown jewels.

- I have.

- And the scepter.

- Queen for the day, I feel like.

And it's just, I feel things are amping up.

- I am so excited. Thank you.

I-I've got some unfinished business.

- Okay. - If you know what I mean.

I gotta do it.

I'm so excited.

You really did good.

(door thuds)

(matchstick cracking)

I am sitting beside Hollywood's most reclusive

and elusive.

And I think they, they mean different things.

Ben Di Carlo.

Ha-ha! How are you?

- I'm great.

- You didn't do interviews for a long time, long time.

- Four and a half years.

- Why didn't you?

What made you stop, and what made you start,

and will you do it again, and will you stop again,

and if you stop again, what will make you start again?

- I think I was just really
grotesquely misunderstood.

- At the beginning, at the beginning of the journey.

- At the beginning of the journey.

You know, I come from a good place,

and that's all that matters.

- This film "Growing Up Gandhi," I loved it,

as I said in my review!

It's really going to be a huge success.

- Yeah.

- And he was Persian. - Indian.

- He was not from here. - No. Definitely not.

- Wonderful. And you shaved your body hair.

- Everything.

- Is that true that just shaved your down-there hair?

- It's one of those things that wasn't on camera,

but it was, it helped me as an actor.

- Wonderful.

- And I, I swam naked,

so that I would feel streamlined and built for speed.

- I didn't know he was a swimmer.

- Well, I think, I mean,

'cause you can't walk, obviously, from India to Asia.

So he had to swim at some point.

- Someone said he'd walked...

I think the Bellman said he'd walked to England

at one point, in a huff.

- Yeah. - Why'd you do that?

- Well, 'cause the English people were being,

they were being dicks, too.

Everyone's being a dick to him.

The, there were still, you know,

there were still casting going on back then,

so you had like, you know, the high up Muslims

that had a lot of money and then you had, like,

the down low ones, you know,

that shined your shoes that weren't allowed

to like look at you and talk to you.

I mean, it's kind of like,

what we have in Hollywood,

but on a bigger scale.

- Let's talk about all the different Hollywood ladies,

you've balled.

You've balled so many ladies.

The ladies seem to love to, to ball you,

and they seem to love to be balled by you.

- I'm truly blessed.

- Well, I'm telling you, I know where you're coming from

'cause I'm one of these guys that needs it regular.

I need a nightly pop from my lady.

And sometimes Dixie's awake for it.

Usually not

- Ambien and some K-Y, right? - Oh, my God.

Ambien and K-Y!

But you know what I've started doing?

For the long time,

I was taking the K-Y orally.

- Yes. - It's not necessary.

The Ambien I was totally confused about.

(Jiminy gargling) (Ben laughing)

Let's talk about some of the other films you've made,

'cause you've made so many
wonderful, wonderful, wonderful,

wonderful, wonderful, wonderful,
wonderful, wonderful films.

You made, you made, you made, you made,

you made "Ozone."

Tell me about "Ozone."

- "Ozone" was... I loved "Ozone."

- Thank you.

- But Larry Ozone is from the future or the present?

- He's from the future, but he comes to the present.

- [Jiminy] Wonderful, wonderful.

- And then goes back to the future,

and then he actually, the present gets to the future,

so I guess it's kind of-

- And in "Ozone II" the reckoning.

We don't know what's the present,

what's the future, and where we're headed.

- Right.

- And that's where you met Tara Reid.

- I may have to plead the ninth on this one

'cause it, I-I don't want to really get into that.

♪ It's raining men, hallelujah ♪

- Sorry. ♪ It's raining men ♪

- Hello?

No, Dixie. No.

If it's the afternoon, it's thorazine.

Don't get those mixed up again, okay?

Bye-bye. Sorry.

It's my wife.

She, she phones

and she's on so much medication.

You're good people.

You're a helluva guy.

This has been such fun, such total...

Whoa, sorry.

Let me get that. Thank you.

I wanna say, Ben Di Carlo, thank you.

- [Ben] Thank you.

- Thank you for being who you happen to be.

- The rest of the world, eat your heart out!

I got an exclusive!

Thank you!

(bright music)

- [Narrator] Lights.

Camera.

Access.

- And so the star

of this year's prestigious Toronto Film Festival

is not Colin Farrell or Miranda Coolidge,

or any of the Hollywood celebrity heavyweights

that attended,

but instead a heavyweight celebrity interviewer

by the name of Jiminy Glick.

Who's Jiminy Glick, you ask?

Well, if the name doesn't ring a bell, it soon will.

Glick has been catapulted from showbiz obscurity

to overnight media stardom

as a result of his snagging

the exclusive one-on-one
megastar bad boy Ben Di Carlo,

who hadn't granted a single
interview in over five years.

Maybe I better look out.

There's a new kid on the block.

- You're darn right!

(bright music)

(gentle music)

- Where are those kids' parents?

- I think they went to a screening.

(gentle music)

(upbeat music)

(camera clicks) (upbeat music)

- Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Be on with you!

Or be off with you, I mean

Oh, shit!

- Darling. - Oh, my God.

- Look at you.

- Look at this wonderful outfit.

- Are you working out?

- You know-

- You know, you're looking like you're toning up.

- I had my ass stapled,

which I, I think I got it all mixed up.

- Bye, baby. - Oh!

She is luscious.

She is everything that's woman.

- Jiminy? He's hot!

- I've only strayed with Dixie four times

that was when I was in a trip

to Bangkok promoting a book,

a deal that never worked out.

Do you ever wish you were in front of the camera?

- Um, well, I, I, I am in front of the camera.

- Well, then I need a reel, I think.

Oh, my God, Ben, how are you?

- Nice to see you. - Nice to see you.

- You're the only one he wanted to talk to.

- Oh, that's some strong perfume.

You stand for everything that is American,

everything that strength and everything...

Ah, sorry. - It's okay.

- It just hit right there. - You okay? You got it?

- I have such a buildup of saliva sometimes,

it's overwhelming.

Good to see you, Forrest.

God bless you.

The wonderful Forrest Gump.

- Why have you not asked me to be on your show?

I've been so crushed.

- It's a mistake I've made, and it's my people that I blame-

- It's your handlers.

- I'd love to be one of your handlers, young lady.

You are a beauty.

Oh, my God.

Miranda Coolidge! Miranda!

Miranda! Oh, my goodness!

It's Jiminy Glick!

- So lovely to see you.

- How do you feel about doing all these lesbian scenes?

- Well, you know, I think lesbians

have been criticized a lot.

I think they're interesting.

Do they like the term lesbian or dyke?

I'm never sure anymore.

- You know, I think they do prefer dyke if they're big.

- And your work on global poverty has moved people-

- You feel that no one in the world should be poor.

No one should be poor.

- See, I just think that with all due respect,

if you didn't have poor people,

how would you ever get crowd scenes?

- You know, I don't know. (laughs)

- See, and that's-

- And you know, we need 'em.

- Okay, Jelly, man, this is enough.

She's baby, too young to talk.

Go away!

- And you're the producer of the film.

- Everybody here, many celebrities

with false asses, you know?

They have come here,

they make the movies, terrible movies.

But these movie... We've got to go.

We're really pressed for time.

- They make movie that is like a kitten

that has made a picture of its ass in the mud.

This movie is wonderful.

You watch, Fat. - Thank you.

(person grunts) (gentle music)

(birds chirping)

- Pull harder, you foxy-looking piece of ass.

(water sloshing)

Mud's good for you.

(water sloshing) (gentle music)

- There's something in here, and it's biting me.

- Wonderful. - She looks so pretty.

- Yes, she does.

And so does the other one.

Big girl.

- Aw, quit your bitchin' and junk. I'm comin'.

(footsteps thudding)

Comin' in.

(water sloshing) (gentle music)

♪ Close your eyes ♪

♪ Put your hand in mine ♪

♪ And leave the care of the world behind ♪

♪ 'Cause you're here now ♪

♪ With me ♪

♪ You should know ♪

♪ That this bead of gold ♪

♪ Of every verb from your lips ♪

♪ Says I love you so ♪

♪ And you're here now ♪

♪ Baby ♪

- Psst...

Would you like some popcorn?

It's awfully good.

- I'm not falling for that old diner trick again.

Besides, the last time I did it,

I couldn't even find it in there.

- It's in there, dear. - Yeah.

- Trust me.

I've got the salt burns to prove it.

- Too much energy.

(gentle music)

(birds chirping) (gentle music)

(people chattering)

- How are you? - Jiminy!

(upbeat music)

- How can you be great movie star actress

if you are smelly with drink?

Don't blah, blah.

This is absolutely true. - Yeah.

You're not me.

- It is not just for me. - You don't own me.

- Is not just for me

that you should not be smelly all the time.

We, there is no easiness now to make insurance

for your, for your movies.

Why?

Why is this?

- It's like not, you know,

what is your problem?

- You tell me why there's no insurance.

I have give two blow jobs... You know what-

- I have give two blow jobs
to English insurance people.

I'm not homoist! I'm a man!

- And go annoy some other major-

- I am on my knees like a German teenager

to English people with rotten teeth in their mouths,

because you cannot, you
cannot be not smelly with drunk

while you're at your own party.

No one is looking at your great performance. Why?

Because you are in corners,

sucking on an ice statue of Ving Rhames.

You are like a terrifying Asian woman

who has covered with piss!

- If you don't think,

I don't know about the fucking stand in,

you're wrong.

- Excuse me?

- I know about the goddamn stand in.

- Say again?

- I know about the make-up, the lady who does the sewing.

I know.

I know about the gardener's daughter.

Didn't think I know about that, you fucker!

- You don't know about gardener.

♪ If you got somethin' ♪

♪ And you're not frontin' ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Show me what you got ♪ ♪ Show me what you got ♪

- I'm homesick.

- I know, I know.

There's not enough monkey milk to go around.

You can't suck your own goat.

- There's not enough women walking

around with their shirts off.

- Watch your hole, Mondavi.

Right over there, look at that.

- Who has that...

I mean, no offense,

but I'm looking at, I'm looking at Mount Everest,

and I'm a set of skis.

I wanna ski to the bottom.

- We need that little fat bastard right over there

to come see our movie,

and until he do, we ain't gettin' nowhere.

- You get me.

- I get you because you are so luscious.

- You know, you can see me, you can see me.

- Hey, hey, what is happening in this booth, man?

Are you guys having a fuck without me, man?

- (laughs) How are you?

- The only reason that you are here,

Mr. Danish Land O' Lakes Butter Head.

- I'm not Danish! - Is because of me.

- I have to wring it out.

- It's because of me. It's because of me.

- Hold on. Very important for you-

- You know, it's not like they said,

"We're gonna come

to the Toronto Film Festival to see Andre Divine."

- My God!

Where is your penis, man? - I'm sorry.

♪ Best respect me ♪

♪ I'm for real ♪

♪ Got bitches on my lap, gonna make 'em squeal ♪

♪ I am the party, I rap the mic ♪

♪ Smoke the pipe ♪

♪ You know we gonna make it psych ♪

♪ It's goin' off the hook, yeah ♪

♪ Posse's in the back, and the place is packed ♪

♪ It's going off the hook ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Like a locomotive lettin' off some steam ♪

♪ I'm pullin' on her whistle, gonna make her scream ♪

♪ She's in my pocket, lookin' for some fun ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, you got it ♪

♪ Nah, that ain't my gun ♪

♪ Bitches and hoes, go to your cribs and get it ♪

♪ Keep your hands in the air, 'cause I gots to know ♪

♪ 200 years, kept down ♪

♪ Kept down ♪

- It's your party! Scream!

It's goin' all the way back, y'all!

The guy's killin' it!

Kill it, boy!

My man J.G.! Gangsta, baby!

(thunder rumbling) (upbeat music)

- [Jiminy] I can't believe that Miranda Coolidge

is sitting to my right.

- In the flesh and bones, baby.

We could go upstairs and maybe talk about my script.

(singer singing in foreign language)

(phone ringing)

- 'Sup, yo?

(dial tone humming)

Oh, Dixie.

(dial tone beeping)

(Jiminy screams) (suspenseful music)

(Jiminy screaming and breathing deeply)

Dixie! Dixie!

Dixie!

- Jiminy, what?

- I don't know.

I-I had the most frightening dream.

I need to be held.

- Jiminy, please.

Come on, I took that nembutal.

- Yeah, but...

You're on my arm now.

Jeesh.

- What is the matter with you?

Where have you been?

Look at you in your clothes.

- It was just so confusing.

I don't, it's all a whirl.

Aah!

- [Dixie] What?

What are you screaming about?

It was a dream!

- Oh, I'm so ashamed!

- What? Why?

- I had this,

this, this dream where I woke up, and I was

I was lying in bed with Miranda Coolidge.

It was a dream. - Oh!

- I remember? I said it was a dream.

- Oh.

- I was having a dream. - I'm sorry. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

- But it seemed so real, you know?

So, okay, so I wake up,

and I'm next lying beside Miranda Coolidge.

It is a dream! - I'm sorry.

- I'm dreaming. - I'm sorry.

- Yeah, I lost my head.

- Remember when I said it was a dream? You remember that?

It was a second ago. I said that.

- I know you did.

I, I'm not, I'm with, I'm with you.

- Okay, so, you know what?

With all due respect,

I'm gonna just wander over here for that, all right?

Because this is, I've lost all the hearing here.

- I'm calm, I'm calm.

I'm so sorry, baby.

I just, I thought, I don't think.

- Anyway, this is the bad part.

Not only do I wake up in bed next to Miranda Coolidge.

Oh! (glass shattering)

It's a dream!

In the dream, I woke up next to Miranda Coolidge!

- I am so sorry!

- So to throw things at me, to hit me is nuts.

But then again, you are nuts.

So it all works out.

But here's the other issue.

- I, I can tell you're upset.

- Well, I am upset because (cries)

she was covered in blood.

And she was dead.

And I'm so afraid that I might have killed her

because-

- Shh! Shh!

Can you please close the lips?

Close the little lips. You would not hurt a fly.

Look at you.

You're just sweatin' like Whitney Houston.

- I know, I'm sweating.

- Just wipe yourself off.

Oh, my...

Oh! Jiminy! (dramatic orchestral music)

- (gasps) M.C.

- M.C. What does that stand for?

- Miranda Coolidge!

- I'm sorry!

Oh, gosh.

Oh, honey, baby.

If I could take back that moment, I would.

Okay, listen.

You listen to me, and you listen to me good.

You are a wonderful man.

- [Jiminy] But I'm a murderer! There was a murder!

- Shh, shh, stay on my bosom. You are a wonderful man.

And I'm gonna tell you something else,

you are going to be interviewing Miranda Coolidge

just this afternoon.

You're gonna see that she's all okay, that you're, okay.

This, you know what this is? This is a nosebleed.

- What? (door knocking)

- It's open!

You're a nutty man.

- I don't have any hearing now in this ear.

- Oh. (door knocking)

It's open!

(door thuds) - Good morning.

Hi. Good morning.

It's a different day. It's a different day.

- It is. Yes.

- You wouldn't believe everything that's been going on.

I'm so sorry to interrupt.

Ben Di Carlo...

Ben Di Carlo is gone.

- What do you mean?

- He, he apparently,

he shredded his hotel room.

He was upset and he left town.

Nobody knows where.

- Oh, he trashed it that cliche.

- Brought the room down to the studs, he did.

- Oh, no. - He did.

Here's the other thing.

The phone has been ringing nonstop.

You're gonna be so busy today.

Everybody is talking to me
about interviewing with you.

Kurt Russell's people have called,

and you've got an interview with Steve Martin.

- So they're gonna be calling you.

A very busy day, very busy day.

- Well, first stop, I guess is Miranda Coolidge.

She's at 11:00. - That was the other thing.

Okay, the Miranda Coolidge, though,

she has cancelled.

Something about a flu or something.

They wouldn't quite divulge and go into that.

That's it.

That's it.

I'm so happy for you. (suspenseful music)

- So the next day, I go back
and I order my salmon sandwich

and I think, "I'm back.

I'm back, 'cause I love it so much."

It only took that one day

of having the chicken salad
sandwich where I thought,

you know, I want, this is, this is,

I am home when I order the salmon salad sandwich.

- Just, just seeing you at the festival,

it's fun seeing you at the Toronto film festival.

- Hmm. It's fun to be here.

- Why are you at the Toronto film festival?

- I'm here to promote my film, "Hot Havana Nights."

- And this is the first time

you've done full-frontal nudity.

- It's about time,

don't you think? - Well that-

- 'Cause that's really how you've revived your career.

- Yes.

Now, just outta curiosity...

I was gonna ask you, when the balls get longer,

what do you do?

- Well that's, that's what low tables are for,

is if you walk into a room

and you just get near a low table,

you just get that little extra lift.

You stand the right way, you can kind of rest yourself.

- So during a nude scene... Mm-hmm.

- You rest your... Testicles.

- Testicles... On a low table.

- On a low table.

- And it gives the illusion, actually,

that they're just kind of there.

They're just up a little bit.

- Kind of almost

like floating. - Mm-hmm.

- Well, that's a wonderful trick.

I wonder if everyone knows
that trick and porno films.

You see all these porno films, you know?

- Yeah, you do.

I know what you mean. Yeah.

- I mean, or you hear about them,

especially if you're staying in a hotel.

- Right.

That's where you hear about them, in a hotel.

- Yes.

"Something Liquid This Way Comes",

and you see all these cowboys

and they're lassoing each other.

- Where is that?

- It's in this hotel that I heard a friend

of mine who was said he went to a hotel once

and saw that film and that would've been weird.

And had they known that testicle-resting gimmick-

- That's more of a professional actor's thing.

- I guess. Let's talk about...

Let's talk about communists.

- In Hollywood? - In Hollywood.

Are they still pulling the strings?

You read this, that they're pulling the strings.

How does Steve Martin feel

about such things that I just said?

- A lot of communism in Hollywood.

A lot of people are communists.

- No! To this day? - Yes, a lot of-

- Operating the studios.

- Yes, they are, a lot of communists.

- [Jiminy] Running that town.

- But I would never, you know name names.

- You wouldn't name names.

- No, I would not name names.

- Like if I said Meg Ryan... Communist.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Absolutely. - Meg Ryan is a communist?

- Exactly.

- The girl next door is the red girl next door.

- Absolutely.

- Oh, that's stunning. - Tom Hanks.

- Tom Hanks? - Uma Thurman.

- I knew that.

That I've heard, I've heard that.

Everyone always says that it's you,

Alec Baldwin, and Robin Williams

are the hairiest men in show business.

- I don't think I'm so hairy.

- Well, people say you are, you've got arms like an otter,

someone told me.

A craft service person,

he was making me a ham sandwich

and he said, "Old otter arms will be here in 10 minutes."

- Are you doing a special on hairy people,

so you can just take the line out?

That's why I hate that.

- We are, we're doing a whole thing.

It's called "Hairiest Freaks in Hollywood."

And we're gonna show a picture of you

or we're gonna show a picture of Robin Williams,

and Alec Baldwin, and Stephen Baldwin,

and Billy Baldwin, and Larry Baldwin,

and Shep Baldwin and all the Baldwins,

of the 14 of them.

And they all look like apes who have escaped.

You're one of the few Jews

who has really made it in the business.

- Well, I'm actually, I'm not Jewish.

- But you know Jewish people.

- Yes, I do.

- And you've used those connections.

I can't imagine you wouldn't have.

- Well, what are you saying?

You're, uh-

- I think it's,

I think it's necessary to use any ethnic group.

If I had an agent who was a Muslim,

I'd use him.

- Well, you're you're coming off really, really well.

You're coming off well. - Thank you very much.

Thank you. This is a good interview.

There's lots of wonderful, wonderful energy.

- Would you like to know a little bit

about my acting technique or-

- You studied with Lee Strasberg.

- Never did. - No kidding.

- It's amazing how quickly the time goes.

- You get a lot of bad reviews.

How does that make you feel

and how do you handle it, Steve Martin?

- Well, first of all, you know,

a lot of people get bad reviews.

Charlie Chaplin got bad reviews.

- Mm-mm.

- Buster Keaton got bad reviews.

- No, not really.

Not, not, not on the level you get them.

- Reading a bad review is, you know, you're reading along,

you pick up the paper in the morning,

you made this movie, your heart is in it,

you're reading along, you're fine,

they sort of describe the plot

and then suddenly, it's like a knife in the heart.

You see, like a little line or something,

a little line that's about you or the way you look.

It's just like somebody is taking

that knife and just stabbing it

and stabbing it and stabbing
it and twisting and twisting.

(Miranda screaming)

- You see? (suspenseful music)

She's gonna answer that door,

and you're gonna find out it was all in your mind.

All in your head.

- Do you not think I want it to be all in my head?

- Hey, fat.

- Oh, hello, yes.

Jiminy Glick. You remember?

And this is the wonderful

is Dixie... Dixie.

D-I-X-I-E.

Dixie peach Glick. (laughs)

- I don't know who you are. This is good.

What is hanging between your fat legs today, man?

What's going on?

- We just thought that it would,

we heard Miss Coolidge-

- We heard Miss Coolidge was under the weather,

so we brought her some flowers and want to say hello.

Just a little cheer.

- I cannot understand your accent, man.

You talk like a terrible pig.

- Well. There we go, just for you-

- [Dixie] This is for Miss Coolidge.

- Cannot have flowers.

She's allergist.

You know, she take sniff flowers,

her tits blow up like great sports balls.

Actually, gimme the flowers.

- Ooh, what a terrible affliction.

- Listen man, she cannot talking to you

because she, Miranda is building a dishwasher.

- Building a dishwasher... Building a dishwasher?

- It's a hobby.

- It's just-

- Get out, fat!

- I'd love to see her!

- Fatting!

Fat person! Bloat!

♪ It's raining men ♪

♪ Hallelujah, it's raining men ♪

- What sound?

- You know what, we've got that appointment

with that dermatologist.

- Thank you so much. - Thank you so much.

- Terrible Dutch bitch! (door thuds)

♪ Men, hallelujah ♪

♪ It's raining ♪

- Why is my cell phone in there?

I told you-

- Okay, what I wanna know... Because I killed her.

♪ I'm gonna let myself get ♪

(suspenseful music)

- What the hell was your cell phone doing in that room?

- Don't you understand?

That means I was really in that room.

(gentle music)

(door thuds)

- Stupid, Fat Glick.

These are like terrible people.

To watch them make love must be very ugly.

(shoes clacking) (gentle music)

- Come on, come on.

- What are you saying, "Come here?"

What are you talking about?

- Shh!

- Jiminy! This could be illegal.

(suspenseful music)

- Okay, not a word.

Keep it quiet.

Now, listen to me, what I'm saying to you.

We've got to get into Miranda's room

and get that cell phone.

- Jiminy, I don't, don't! Wait a minute!

- Oh, it's not bad. - Oh, it's horrible.

- I want you to get on my back,

and then I'm gonna leap like a little frog.

Just...

Ah, are you okay?

Look how close we are.

See? It's not dangerous at all.

Oh! - Oh!

- Okay.

It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

This reminds me of that time you got disoriented

in buffalo.

Remember? - Yeah, I do.

Oh! - Oh!

(both screams)

- With Lucy Liu on board, how does that affect Ashton?

- Aah! (water splashing)

- No diving!

(elevator dings)

- That was a great idea.

- Sorry.

- We're gonna do things my way now.

- Where are you going?

- Just watch!

(suspenseful music)

(Dixie speaking in foreign language)

(both speaking in foreign language)

- Okay. Here you go.

(Dixie speaking in foreign language)

(both laughing)

- Move it.

(shoes clacking) (suspenseful music)

(door thuds) All right, let's go. Come on.

- Shh! Be quiet.

- I know what I'm doing.

- I'm sorry. There's nothing in there.

It's a closet.

- I know what it is. I can see.

I have eyes in my head. - Shh!

- Miss Coolidge!

- Shut up!

(elevator dings) (suspenseful music)

- That's very good ass, baby.

We have a fuck later, okay, man?

- Whoa.

- These are nice digs.

- Oh.

- Va-va-va-voom. - Look how movie stars live.

This reminds me-

- I wanted these for the breezeway.

- Hey, handsomeness,

this reminds me of a little trip we took to Tampa.

- I remember that trip.

- Uh-uh-uh-uh.

Most boys wait till the end
of the day to get their parfait.

(gentle music)

Holy cow! It's my phone!

♪ Raining men ♪

- Where's it coming from?

♪ I'm gonna let myself get ♪

♪ Absolutely soaking wet ♪

- It's my phone! My phone!

(elevator dings) (suspenseful music)

(shoes clacking) (suspenseful music)

Can you believe my phone was there?

- Uh, no, I can't.

What is your phone doing in
the room of the bed of a woman?

- Oh, so the fact that she might have been bludgeoned,

that's no longer of concern to you, is it?

- I'm gonna knock the shit out of you.

- Oh?

And what am I gonna be doing

when you're knocking the s out of me?

- I don't care what you're doing.

You want a piece of me?

- I'll punch you...

I'll sucker punch you right in the box.

(shoes clacking) (suspenseful music)

(door beeping)

(door creaking) (door thuds)

(shoes clacking)

Find your own place!

(shoes clacking)

♪ It's raining men ♪

♪ Hallelujah, it's raining men ♪

♪ Amen ♪

♪ I'm gonna go out ♪

♪ I'm gonna let myself ♪

- [Jiminy] Hello?

Oh, hi, Cuba Gooding, Jr.

How are you?

Wonderful.

Sly Stallone stole your Caesar Salad?

You know what? I can't have
this conversation right now.

It's just...

It's not a good time. - Aah!

(door creaking)

(door thuds)

- Let's go, let's go!

Go, go, go, go, go!

(suspenseful music)

(wind howling) (suspenseful music)

- Daddy, Miranda Coolidge is dead.

I saw her body in a garment bag in a closet.

And my question to you is,

if you're up in Heaven,

and if Miranda Coolidge is up there with you,

would you please ask her if my husband murdered her?

(Kurt laughing)

- I'm sorry. Anyway... Gee, Kurt Russell is jovial.

Good for him.

- Some things came together that day

that I can honestly say I don't think have ever-

- [Jiminy] And yet I'm so confused.

If I killed Miranda Coolidge,

why would Andre Divine try

to cover it up? - Any time.

- Oh! Oh, that's...

That's, that was wonderful.

You worked, you worked, you.

You worked, you, you, you, you,

you worked, you, you, you worked.

- I can't help you.

- You worked with Elvis.

Elvis. - Yes.

- Tell me about Elvis Presley.

- Elvis... I love Elvis!

Tell me about him.

- I was 10 years old, I guess,

and he was coming down onto the set in his car-

- Oh, that's wonderful.

And then you end up playing Elvis.

How does that feel?

That's like a full journey, I suppose.

- Yeah. Yeah, it was.

It was, uh-

- I'm just theorizing.

I don't know if I'm right on this here,

but it seems like if you meet someone then you do 'em.

- (laughs) I didn't meet him and do 'em.

- I mean, you know...

But I mean that if you meet him-

- And then play him.

- Play him. - Yeah.

- Did you have any instinct then

that his daughter might end
up marrying Michael Jackson?

- I, you know, I was a 10-year-old kid.

I had no...

I wasn't looking into the future.

- Nic Cage?

- That she would marry

Nic Cage? - Yes.

- No, that, I gotta be honest with you-

- And then, and then you did.

Oh, my God.

I love...

I love Snake Plissken!

- "Escaped from New York, Escaped from L.A."

Fun. Good, great fun time.

- He was like Sammy Davis, Jr.

- I guess you're going with the eye patch there.

- Had snake lost his eye? - It was a big mystery.

We never figured that out.

- Why would he wear an eye patch

unless he was on the way to a Masquerade Party?

- Yeah, something had happened to him.

- Something had happened to him.

I'm going with lost his eye or lost his mind,

because you don't wear an eye patch

unless your, your eye's running,

you're blind, someone's poked it.

- We just came up with the idea

that we said, you know,

"Snake, he should have an eye patch."

- Why didn't you black out two
front teeth and do a hoedown?

- No, I, no, it was a, he was supposed to be a, you know,

a tough guy, a bad guy,

so I thought I'd wear an eye patch.

- There's nothing wrong with him,

but let's assume he's lost his eye!

That was it. That was it.

- I'm not gonna get angry here.

But that's the kind of...

It's the new Hollywood attitude.

- I think you're supposed to be creative.

I think that's fair.

You should try to create a character

that people might remember

or find right for the movie.

You know, that's all that was.

- Well, then, I'll put a turban on and not explain it.

- [Dixie] Matthew!

Modine!

Boys?

Are you down here?

(footsteps thudding) (suspenseful music)

(matchstick cracking)

- Your husband is not a murderer.

- Well, if he didn't do it, then who did it?

(David cackles)

(camera clicks) (people chattering)

- [Paparazzi] This way! This way!

- This is Jay Schiffer at the Final Awards Ceremony

at the Toronto Film Festival

and to our francophone friends.

(speaking in foreign language)

- I can't believe you're still mad at me.

- Of course, I'm angry at you.

I can't believe you think I'd kill someone with a knife.

- What about that time I was on that bender in Branson?

- That was different.

You were standing on a ledge,

and you pissed on the crowd below.

(audience clapping) (upbeat music)

We haven't heard from the police, which is a bad sign.

I just know I'm gonna be arrested.

- I'm sorry I called the police.

When I find a dead body, I call the police.

- And the winner,

"Goyim, Goyim, Gone".

(audience clapping) - Rabbi Bernard Schleifling.

- First of all, I will not do well in prison.

- You're not going to prison. - Well, I hope not.

- That's just silly.

- Because I'll be known as new meat.

- Well, you already are known as new meat.

- There's a line in the Mishnah that says,

"He who makes a name for himself destroys his name,"

but I don't believe that,
because tonight I feel like God!

(audience clapping) (gentle music)

- Here to present the Carl Reis Award

for best editing of a black-and-white feature film,

ladies and gentlemen,

Miranda Coolidge.

(grand orchestral music) (audience clapping)

- Oh, my God.

(gentle music)

She's alive.

She's alive.

- When Carol Reitz first published his seminal work

on film editing... Seminal!

- Many of the film editors nominated tonight

were still in diapers.

- It's like I've done Ecstasy or something.

- I'm not, I'm told, I've only had, like, six or seven gins.

- And the winner, Bernard Clairvaux.

Fabulous.

I guess Bernard is not here.

Well,

I guess I'll be accepting his
award this evening for him.

Thank you. (audience clapping)

Wow.

I have to say that this is really an honor.

You have all been so supportive of Miranda Coolidge

through these incredibly difficult times.

Thank you. This means the world to me.

I love you all.

(grand orchestral music) (audience clapping)

- What a lovely, lovely woman.

- God! (audience clapping)

(footsteps thudding) (suspenseful music)

- Well, I mean, I am in a state of shock.

Oh, my God!

Cheeses! (indistinct)

This is typical.

They always make people finger everything.

- Where were you?

I look out in the audience, you're not there.

- What do you mean? I was standing right here?

- Millions of people applauding me.

I was back.

And I'm out there on the stage,

and I'm giving, and I'm giving,

and all I ask is that you show up.

- I cannot show up if I am chasing whores!

- The only person I needed-

- What do you think I'm doing, you stupid slut?

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Where is the liquor? - There's no liquor here.

What did you see in that closet? And-

- I saw a dead body,

and I will swear on my sweet Lord Jesus that I did.

- I'm standing right here, Dear.

I think that-(person screaming)

- Jiminy, what was that? - What?

(suspenseful music)

(shoes clacking)

(Jiminy screams)

What ha... Mr. Divine is dead.

- Who did this to him?

- I did it. - I did it.

- I did it.

- Goddamn it.

Mother, can't I have something of my own?

I did it!

- This is absolutely mind-boggling,

because this is just like

the Lana Turner/Johnny Stompanato scenario.

Think of it...

That's, that could be Stompanato.

Follow me in this.

I know I'm losing you.

She would be Lana Turner, and you would...

Yes, you would be the daughter.

Oh, my goodness, it's like a puzzle.

But what is the answer to the puzzle?

- Perhaps I can shed some light.

Take a seat, won't you?

- Sure. (laughing)

- I like the idea of a dark road.

You see, life is filled with, uh, mysteries,

and some of those mysteries can be very abstract.

Like the night at the party for "Queens of Africa".

Miranda got very, very drunk.

When this kind of thing happened,

Dee Dee would dress up as Miranda

in an attempt to fool the paparazzi.

(camera clicks) (paparazzi chattering)

- Hey look, they're all here to see me.

- Here's a suggestion.

Since this is obviously (laughs)

going to take a little bit of time,

should we order in some box lunches?

- [All] Shh!

- So I'm the only one who's hungry.

Is that the game

we're going to play? - Shh!

- Hush now, Lumpy, hush now.

Any who...

At that point of time,

Randall Bookerton had been hatching a devious plan.

- I have to wring it out. - It is because of me.

- We need that little fat bastard right there

to see our movie.

And until he do, we ain't gettin' nowhere.

Him.

He's got the power to make

or break us. - Where is your penis, man?

♪ 'Cause it's solo ♪

♪ All alone ♪

♪ On my own ♪

- He in the bathroom, Jack Fool!

- Please don't harm me!

- What the hell's wrong with you?

- Come on!

- Oh, please, it's like a nightmare!

- [David] They took Jiminy across town

to a local Canadian hip hop
club called Pimps and Hosers.

- [Jiminy] What a charming dance hall.

- [David] Where they forced him to watch their film.

(upbeat music)

- Where did all the trees go, Momma?

- We in the city now, Baby.

They don't got trees.

Careful, little roach.

Looks like that big ol' transvestite

is fixin' to whip his dick out and pee

right on the sidewalk!

- What you are watching is art.

This is Africanimation.

- [David] They spike his alcohol to ensure a rave review.

- I never drink beer.

It's like hanging with common people.

This is fun. - Yes. Go ahead.

Lord, look at the way he takes that.

(Jiminy burps)

(all laughing)

- That is so true.

Someone evidently had slipped me half a roofie.

And oh, my God, I am completely now mentally insane,

tripping amidst a sea of frightening imagery.

- [All] Shh!

- The next person who shushes me is in trouble.

Lest we forget that I was leg-wrestling champion

of my dormitory.

- Anywho, at that point of time,

Glick is so intoxicated,

he thinks he's watching a classic.

- You gonna die!

(guns firing) (Jiminy imitates gunshots)

(all laughing)

- No!

- [David] Satisfied their
screening had been successful,

it was time to party.

(dramatic music) (people chattering)

- What the hell happened?

- [David] Glick staggers back to the Fairmount Hotel,

where he runs into Dee Dee,

who he thinks is Miranda.

- [Jiminy] I need to rest, I think.

- You could maybe crash out up in my room.

You know, I, I have something I, I'd like to show you.

- [Jiminy] Oh, I've got something I'd love to show you.

- Before Dee Dee can show him the script

she's trying to sell...

Glick passes out.

At that time, uh,

Natalie rushed into the bed to find a passed-out,

Jiminy Glick.

This was the kind of darkness-

- Are you cheating on me?

- That drew the magnet of madness into her hand.

She picked up a knife

and stabbed, stabbed, stabbed!

(Jiminy gags) Stabbed! Stabbed!

The way I see it.

- [Dixie] Jiminy, quit eatin'.

- Sometimes, strange enough,

when I'm choking, more food helps.

- [David] When Miranda and Andre finally returned,

they found Natalie unconscious.

- Oh, my God! Get up!

Natalie, she's fallen like a Russian stewardess, man.

- These are mine!

I've been looking for these!

- Quick!

We have to make her tea from her own clothing!

I-I pick her up like a fireman in my country.

Hey! Burned person!

Get up now!

Get up off the ground, you charcoal!

That did not work.

All right, we take her. Come on.

- Mommy's here.

- Ah, come on. I be Mommy.

Just...

Boil water in a government can.

- She's got a throw up. - I know.

We have to stick a long thing down our throat.

I take out my cock, you make it happy.

- Oh, shut up!

Come on, honey. - Come on.

I tickle back of throat.

- Barf big for Mommy.

(Natalie vomits)

- Ugh. Jesus.

That smells like the government building in Rigash.

- Oh, Mom, he's grabbing my butt again.

Mom!

- We gotta get her into the bedroom.

- Crazy person, into the bed. Oh-

- Oh, my God! - Oh, my Lord!

- I killed her. - She killed Dee Dee.

- There was another guy in the bed, I swear to God.

- Who in bed?

- Louie Anderson was in bed with Dee Dee.

Louie, fat man Louie Anderson.

- I hate that guy.

- This hotel is so full of fat baby mans.

- What are we gonna do?

- [David] At that point,

Miranda's maternal instincts kicked in,

and she hired a private jet to take she and Natalie

back to their compound in New Jersey.

- I didn't know that.

- [David] Meanwhile, Andre arranged for disposal

of Dee Dee's body, utilizing, shall we say,

some former business associates.

There is lesbian in bag in hallway.

Take her away!

- Wait a minute.

Now I'm confused.

Who was that body that I saw in that closet?

- That was Andre's blow-up sex doll.

He had to have it, like, six or seven times a night.

- Good gracious!

You poor thing! It's ridiculous.

I don't know why he wouldn't just go

for some good old-fashioned porno.

- You watch porno? - I like it hardcore.

'Cause they generally have big, big, big penises,

if you know what I mean! (laughs)

'Course, fuckin' me after four kids

is like fuckin' a purse, but that's why I generally-

- Honey...

Remember what I told you about the word mystique?

Sometimes, when you create a little mystique-

(bell dings)

- If we could just try to remember

that I have a pedicure booked at midnight.

My, that would be appreciated.

Thanks.

At any rate,

back in New Jersey, Natalie found Dee Dee's diary

and discovered that Dee Dee
and Andre were having an affair.

Natalie boarded the next plane to Toronto

and confronted him.

- She was my girlfriend

and she loved me until you came along!

- You are like a terrible Mexican woman

with a radio in her pussy, man!

- Shut up!

You make no sense, you hairy bastard!

- I make sense!

Oh!

Andre...

Has new hole...

On his front!

(body thuds)

(gentle music)

- Hey. Hey.

Yeah, I had some charges on my room,

charges for some minibar stuff.

- Okay, well, we can look over that.

- See, I don't do anything mini.

- What's your room number, Sir?

- I don't think you understand who I am.

We just won the best picture there.

- Yeah! (claps)

We won that.

Us. We did. (elevator dings)

- [Paparazzi] Miranda, smile for the camera.

- A little privacy in these trying times, please.

- Gentlemen, please. Please.

My client has no comment.

She's been directed to speak only to the authorities

or through me, her manager and friend, Barry King.

Now, there'll be a press conference this evening

where all questions will be answered,

including some very exciting tidbits

about some wonderful
projects that we have upcoming.

We're all very lucky.

(dramatic orchestral music) (David cackling)

- That's the problem with
interviews today in Hollywood.

It's all about the sound bite.

Hurry up.

Get the sound bite. - Right.

- You want something from me, you know,

that you can put together and
that you can run in a promo...

"Rob Lowe eats a sandwich down
Rodeo Drive with Demi Moore!"

You know, that's not the way I live my life.

I'm a real person.

- [Jiminy] Isn't it amazing?

Just six months ago,

when I was talking to Arlene Sheehy, I was so bored,

and here I am talking to brat packer Rob Lowe, no less.

- I, me, me, I, I, me, I-

- [Jiminy] And I'm equally bored.

What have I learned, I wonder.

Oh, yes.

Celebrities can be dull.

- When the shutter goes like this,

it's actually not photographing you.

Not photographing, not photographing,

not photographing, not photographing.

It's what's not photographed

that lends the mystery of film acting.

You can't get it from the stage.

You cannot get it from the stage.

(Jiminy snoring)

(upbeat music)

- What's your Kryptonite?

Mine's Cheese Parmesan.

What would yours be?

- (laughs) Uh...

What is my Kryptonite?

- What did I just ask?

- Let's see. My Kryptonite, I guess...

Boy, I don't know.

Fast cars? I don't know. (laughs)

- I'm glad I asked you.

That's, that's a good one.

That really shows you're at the top of your game.

- Yeah. What's your...

Oh, you already said.

- Cheese Parmesan.

I'll rewind the tape.

Kurt Vogel-

- This is like sitting in the principal's office!

- Kurt Vogel... Yes? (laughs)

- I'm not gonna come close to making it!

- You're gonna be fine.

(both laughing)

- Kurt...

Kurt Vogel Russell...

Is that your name?

- That's it, Jiminy. (laughs)

Oh, shit!

- And you were a cheerleader.

- I was, in high school.

- Yoo, hoo! (laughs)

Everyone must have stared at you.

Talk about being gay!

(both laughing)

What was that like?

Why wouldn't you join the team like normal fellas?

Why would you wanna get the pom-poms going

and be like a big, silly yoo, hoo?

Why did you wanna be a cheerleader, Steve Martin?

- Uh, well, I...

(laughs) Need to recompose myself.

- Yes, I'll ask that again.

Ready?

- No, don't. I'll just pick it up.

Okay. Hold it. (laughs)

- Everyone said, "This is gonna stiff!

And it's gonna be dull."

And, I mean, Goldie Hawn said that to me in the hallway.

She said, "This is a waste of your time."

She, you know, well this is what,

this is her opinion.

- Yeah.

- And she pushed about four other friends

on me as an option.

Well, this has been absolutely fun.

None of it is usable.

We edit tremendously, and I can't see it working.

♪ We're goin' all night ♪

♪ Yeah, 'cause it's all right ♪

♪ When we hit the floor ♪

♪ We're goin' all night ♪

♪ And when the daylight comes, gonna beg for more ♪

♪ I get in my favorite song ♪

♪ The place is jumpin' ♪

♪ 'Cause the DJs givin' it up ♪

♪ And I really like ♪

♪ The way the music's feelin' ♪

♪ Think I'll dance till the sun comes up ♪

♪ We're goin' crazy ♪

♪ Everyone's movin' ♪

♪ So come and get me ♪

♪ If you can ♪

♪ 'Cause it's all right ♪

♪ Yeah, 'cause it's all right ♪

♪ We're goin' all night ♪

♪ Yeah, 'cause it's all right ♪

♪ When we hit the floor ♪

♪ Goin' all night ♪

♪ We're goin' all night ♪

♪ And when the daylight comes gonna beg for more ♪

♪ Gonna beg for more ♪

(dramatic orchestral music)

(dramatic orchestral music continues)

(dramatic orchestral music continues)

- [Jiminy] Hello! I'm Jiminy
Glick, and welcome to Lalawood!

(gentle upbeat music)

I'm one of these guys that needs it regular.

- [Andre] Don't touch me, Man.

I'm not a homoist.

- [Jiminy] Let's talk about all the different

Hollywood ladies you've balled.

- [Andre] People in the room say,

"Look at the girl."

She has wonderful tits.

I go upstairs alone, and I rub against things.

"I go upstairs alone, and I rub against things."

- [Jiminy] Kiefer! Kiefer!

Kiefer! Kiefer!

Kiefer! Kiefer!

Kiefer! Kiefer!

Is it true that you shaved your down-there hair?

- [Andre] You are like a terrible Mexican woman

with a radio in her pussy!

- [Jiminy] Kiefer! Kiefer!

Kiefer!

(singer vocalizing)

Would you do nudity?

- [Arlene] If it was tastefully done.

- [Jiminy] It couldn't be, dear.

- [Arlene] Oh, I can think of some things.

- [Jiminy] No, it couldn't be.

Trust me, it couldn't be.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

I'm one of these guys that needs it regular.

- [David] Hush now, lumpy, hush now.

- [Jiminy] I need a nightly pop from my lady.

And sometimes Dixie's awake for it.

Usually not.

♪ Pop, pop, pop, pop ♪

- [Mario] Man, I'll knock your ass out.

- [Bookerton] One, two, three, four, five.

See, I'm for real. You believe that.

- [Andre] That's very good ass, baby.

We have a fuck later, okay, man?

- [Dixie] 'Course, fuckin' me after four kids

is like fuckin' a purse.

- [Jiminy] You're darn right.

(Jiminy moaning and barks)

I'm lovin' what you're giving me, my lady!

- [David] I like the idea of a dark road,

for I know that the darkness of the unknown

is like a magnet luring the innocent

into a world of corruption.

(singer vocalizing)

- [Person] Pull harder, you foxy-looking piece of ass.

(upbeat music)

- [Jiminy] You've seen the crown jewels.

- [Sharon] I have.

- [Jiminy] And the scepter.

Kiefer!

Oh, Kiefer's coming back!

I like him now.

(rock music)

♪ You gotta try to keep the faith ♪

♪ And, no, it's not too late ♪

♪ To believe, to believe ♪

♪ To believe ♪

♪ When there's no hope in sight ♪

♪ Never lose the fight ♪

♪ To believe, to believe ♪

♪ To believe ♪

♪ To believe, to believe ♪

♪ To believe ♪

♪ To believe, to believe ♪

♪ To believe ♪

- [Jiminy] I love the shallowness of it all!

(lion roaring)