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[man #1] Oh, no. [man #2 laughing]

[indistinct chatter] [laughing]

[male emcee] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

Doug Benson!

[audience applauding, cheering]

[cheering continues]

[cheering continues]

[man] Yeah, Doug!

Hey, everybody. [laughing]

[audience cheers]

Welcome to my first ever

one-hour stand-up comedy special.

- Whoo! - Yeah.

[cheering]

And I had to do it here,

the beautiful, beautiful Neptune Theatre.

I love this place. I love Seattle.

- Whoo! - Yeah.

[cheering, applauding]You guys,

you have a saying here in Seattle.

"If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes

and then shoot yourself in the face."

Why do people bring their fucking babies

to Bumbershoot or any kind of rock concert?

I know it's outdoors or whatever, bring the whole family.

But when I see a baby with those headphones on--

When a baby has noise-counseling head--

"Noise-counseling."[audience laughs]

When a baby has headphones that discuss noise--

[laughing]

Listen, I'm here to tell you

that this noise you're about to experience,

young man or lady,

is probably bad for your tiny ears.

Noise-canceling headphones on these kids--

Like, these kids are just trying to figure out

how to talk and move and speak.

Two of those are the same thing.

Children are trying to figure that shit out.

And then they go out for a nice beautiful day with their family

at Lollapalooza or some shit,

and suddenly one of their senses is shut down.

"I can't talk yet, and I've gone deaf.

What do I do?

I'm just tortured in my mind

for an entire afternoon of people dancing around

like it's the best day of their lives

while I sit here and suffer

and cannot explain what's wrong with me,

because when I cry they'll just change my diaper

or blow pot in my face so that I'll fall asleep."

At all of my live shows

I like to read tweets from people in the audience

that they've written to me during the day

or just prior to the show starting

just to see, you know, how everybody's doing,

warm up the crowd a little bit.

It's kind of like futuristic crowd work

where I don't have to look you in the eye and speak to you.

I don't have to confront your actual faces,

just your avatar, which is more often than not an egg.

[laughs]

When people are critical of me on Twitter

and their avatar is an egg, I just write back:

"Shut up, egg."

[audience laughing]

Fuckin' stupid egg.

[laughing]

I'll get tweets from people asking me a question,

and I like to be responsive.

I don't like to ignore people, so I write back and answer.

But then sometimes-- a lot of times,

then that starts a conversation.

They'll write back another question,

like they can just ask me as many questions as they want

for the rest of time.

So the second question, I'll answer it.

But then after that, I write: "Have a good day."

And then when the inevitable third tweet comes at me,

I write back to them in all capital letters:

"I SAID GOOD DAY."

[laughs] And it makes me laugh every time.

On their end they might be like, "What a dick."

But on my end it's hilarious.

All right. Where is heyloverLG?

[woman] Here.You're in the balcony?

You wrote...

And my answer is: You're in the balcony.

[audience laughing, applauding]

Yeah, if my entire career

everyone watched me from that far away,

things would be pretty sweet.

But then when you finally meet me to make love,

you'll be like, "Oh, no.

What have I done?"

Oh, this is awesome.

Where is, uh, PeggyAnnoyed?

[woman] Right here. PeggyAnnoyed.

Hey, PeggyAnnoyed.

You already sound like you're gonna be hard to deal with.

[laughs] It's a perfect name for you 'cause you wrote...

I hope you wrote that 'cause you knew I would enjoy it.

I hope you're not really mad at me.

Where is Winnie_thejew?

"Winniethejew"?

That's fun.

Hi, Winnie.

[Doug laughing]

Who's that sitting next to you? Racist Rabbit?

Eeyore A. Racist?

Christopher Robin is not gay,

but that kid really seems like he's headed down that road.

That Christopher Robin kid always seems to have

extremely fashionable shorts on.

He's got jorts on, I think.

So, Winnie-- Can I call you that instead of "thejew"?

[inaudible]Fair enough.

You wrote...

"For savings. Love, thejew."

No, it says--

I don't do racial humor. You're dragging me into it.

Her mouth is ready "for some laughs."

Yes. [crowd] Aww.

[man] Boo!

Boo. Boo!

Fuckin' special's ruined.

We were trying to bring some Seattle cynicism to the mix.

Instead of "We're ready," we wanted to be more like "We'll see."

Some of you are starting to think, "Is he gonna do this for the entire show?"

The answer is: Maybe.

Don't worry, you guys. I have jokes.

Yeah, I brought jokes with me. They're right here...

on these little pieces of paper.

How high am I right now?

Thank you for asking. Um...

I'm about a 7.4.

Whoo! Yeah.

On a scale of 1 to 7.4.

[laughing]Yeah, I'm doing all right.

I dressed up tonight for you guys.

I put on my Jim Gaffigan costume.

Yeah, this is what-- If I went out on Halloween as Jim Gaffigan,

I'd wear this and I'd talk about pancakes and pie.

And if I take the jacket off--

This is a great costume 'cause if I take the jacket off,

it becomes a Louis C.K. costume.

[audience laughing, applauding]

Yeah.

Those guys know how to dress for their bodies.

So do I.

I'm drinking vodka soda. I love vodka.

Whoo! Not as much as marijuana. Settle down.

It was weird it was just on this side,

like an AA meeting wandered in on this side

and this side was all the drunks,

and you all got seated accordingly.

I met a woman recently who said that she drinks gin and cranberry.

Does anybody drink that here? Gin and cranberry? You really do?

Do you have a urinary tract infection

and hate things that taste good?

'Cause that's the only combination of things

that could exist in an individual

that would draw them to gin and cranberry

as a pleasurable nighttime beverage.

I like to stop drinking.

I quit drinking, not weed.

People get confused when I use the word "sober."

They think it means quitting weed.

No, I am dedicated to marijuana.

[audience cheering, applauding]Yeah.

I quit alcohol for one month every year

just to convince myself that I'm not an alcoholic.

Like, I will not drink for like-- I'll call it Sober September.

Sober October has a nice ring to it.

This year and the year before, I was like, "Fuck it.

Let's just do Sober January and get it over with."

And then have way too many cocktails for the Super Bowl

that first wake-- work end-- weekend.

Whoo! I don't know why I said "work end."

I don't really work for a living.

Am I right, Winnie thejew?

I've just never done the show where I could point to someone

and call them their name plus "the Jew"

and not be incredibly offensive.

So I quit smoking--

quit smoking alcohol for one month.

One month every year, I put down the alcohol pipe

and just take it easy for one month.

And it's not easy.

I mean, I think alcohol is more addictive than marijuana.

But I force myself to get through it

'cause it really makes me feel better about how much I do drink.

And I figure-- I've done it for six or seven years now.

I figure, like, once 12 years have gone by,

I'm gonna go to a meeting and say, "Where's my chip?"

Because I'll have one year of sobriety at that point.

And they'll say something like, "That's not how it works."

And I'll say something like, "Fucking give me my goddamn chip.

I'm a little drunk right now, celebrating this achievement,

and I want my fucking chip.

And if you don't give me a goddamn chip, I'm gonna eat all of your doughnuts.

But you can have your stupid coffee.

That's a worse addiction than the ones I have."

Coffee's so much worse than marijuana.

I've never woke up in the morning and went,

"If I don't smoke marijuana right now,

my brain is gonna explode."

It's more like, "If I don't smoke marijuana right now,

it'll seem odd 'cause I do it every goddamn day."

[audience laughing]

Does this ever happen? You wake up,

and you look over at your alarm by the side of your bed,

and it's like two minutes until the time that you'd set your alarm to go off?

And you just look at it, and you're just like, "Whoa, I woke up and--

I woke up two minutes-- Wow."

And then, you know, you're like, "I got two minutes."

You go back to sleep.

And then you lose your job.

[laughing]

I love the camera flying around during my comedy.

There's a camera just zipping around the room.

It's so crazy because they said, "Do you want a jib for your show?"

And I was like, "What do we need a jib for?"

Look at what it's doing right now.

Like, does that make what's happening funnier?

Like, are my jokes funnier when a camera's flying through the air?

Like, wow, look at this guy.

Jesus. Just won't stop.

I mean, I would hate it-- I would feel bad if you got hit in the head, you guys.

But from my perspective, I can't think of anything funnier right now

than to see somebody get clocked in the head by this crazy jib arm.

It started way up there. Oh, I love this power.

[laughing]

I feel like I'm that kid with the Iron Giant.

Okay, jib arm, I need you to kill this guy right here.

Jib arm, I was kidding.

No, jib arm. Don't do it, jib arm.

All right. Get back up there, jib arm.

This is as close as I'll get to being in How To Train Your Dragon.

Toothless. Toothless.

All right.

Stop moving. What are you doing?

Why are you doing this to me? All right.

Let me do a joke-- Get the jib back over there

and just do, like, a crazy flying jib shot of me telling the next joke,

and we'll see if everyone thinks that that makes this joke funnier.

All right. Here we go. Just go sweeping across as I tell this joke.

You know, it's a good thing emotional scars are invisible

because, if emotional scars were visible,

porn would be disgusting.

[laughing, cheering]

[laughing]

I think I figured it out. I think I'm just too high

to have a thing flying around the room while I'm telling jokes.

I'm, like, just too conscious of it.

And I knew I would be, so I was like, "Don't bring that goddamn jib in here."

And they're like, "Oh, we're bringing it in.

It's gonna fly around like crazy.

Your stand-up's gonna look like it was directed by Brian De Palma."

Oh, dug those movies. When I go to a party--

[whooping, cheering]

W-- I'm sure movies will come up again later.

But when I go to a party, what I like to do

is stand by the food and not talk to anyone.

I like to just hang out by the food, watching,

you know, eating, drinking, being high.

And this girl comes up to me at a party one time,

and this is how she starts a conversation

with a guy who doesn't want to have a conversation.

She's like, "I have a three-legged cat."

Just blurts that shit out at me.

"I have a three-legged cat."

Three-legged cat!

That's how she starts the conversation

with a guy who doesn't even want to talk to her.

"I have a three-legged cat."

And I responded with too many words,

as stoners are wont to do.

I was like, "So?"

No, there's more than that.

That'd be weird if I said I responded with too many words

and then just went with "So?"

It would still be just as rude as what I did say 'cause I was like,

"So? Most cats have three legs when you think about it."

[laughing]

Right? Cats with four legs have three legs

plus one more crucial, pivotal leg.

Cats with three legs have three legs.

The only cats that don't have three legs

are the ones with two through zero legs.

And when do you see them walking about out in the world?

Never, unless they've got, like, a butt cart.

If they've got, like, a squeaky wheel cart butt

that they can roll in on and creep everybody out

while you're trying to have a nice meal with the family

and a nice big plate of yams.

Yeah, that's how I'm ending that one,

on the word "yams."

That's where that one comes to a close.

and gets ah-- odd applause break.

[laughs] The one that it sounds like I dragged out of you.

And that is the end of that routine.

Thank you. Oh, thank you.

Thank you. I didn't know.

People come up to me all the time after shows, and they're like,

"I want to give you a joke to use in your act."

And I'm like, "I write my own jokes, but thank you very much."

But this one lady came up to me.

She was like all decked out,

like a fancy older lady with a turban.

You know, like a white lady with a turban

and like a necklace and a big scarab

or some sort of bug on her chest.

She seemed really fancy. It was in Tucson, Arizona, of all places.

- Whoo! - Really? "Whoo"?

And she goes, "I have a joke for you."

I was like, "There's no way that this lady

has a joke that I'm gonna say someday at the Neptune Theatre."

But I had to hear it. I had to know what it was.

So I said, "All right. Let's hear it." And she goes,

"What did the zero--" Now at this point,

I know that she's trying to tell me a riddle.

"What did the--" I already know it's a riddle.

We tell jokes in stand-up comedy, not riddles.

If we told riddles for the entire shows, you guys would be like,

"What? Where?

Who's there? We give up."

You know, shit like that.

If you wanted to participate, you'd go to a fuckin'--

you'd go to a dueling piano bar.

You know what I mean? You'd go to like Shout At The Wolf or whatever

and watch them do their--

What's the one here called?

Howl At The Moon. That's what I meant.

But Shout At The Wolf would be, you know, awesome.

That'd be a great bar. Somebody should open Shout At The Wolf bars

where they just have a wolf in a cage.

You know, you feed him well.

Take care of that wolf. Be nice to it.

Brush its hair a lot. But then just let people get drunk

and just go up to the cage and just fuckin' speak just drunk

and scream at a wolf.

Just get all of your frustrations out on a wolf.

You know, it might, like, growl back at you or bark back at you,

but, like, you know, it won't want a divorce and take half of your money.

[laughing]

I've never been through a divorce,

but I didn't think that would sound as bitter as it did.

The only way you could get me to go to a dueling piano bar

is if it was to the death.

Like if they were trying to kill each other with pianos

while playing Billy Joel medleys,

uh, I think that would have been awesome.

So I let the lady finish her shitty riddle joke.

She goes, "What did the zero say to the eight?"

I go, "I give up. What did the zero say to the eight?"

And she goes, "Hey, nice belt, fuck face."

[audience laughing, applauding]

She didn't say that.

I fixed her shitty riddle joke.

Turned it into acceptable comedy for a--

[laughing]

for a water god-themed nightclub

that brings in a bunch of folding chairs

when it's just a guy talking.

[chuckles] I don't think there are any folding chairs in here

when the Mighty Mighty Bosstones played.

Did anybody go to that show?[cheering]

You did? Do they still have a free ride

that just jumps around onstage the whole time,

doesn't play an instrument?

That fuckin' guy. What a lucky guy.

[audience laughing]

I should get one of those for my shows.

While I'm telling jokes, there's a guy jumping around, just fuckin'--

Like, he can listen with headphones or something, just ska out.

Just completely ska-dance the entire time.

Just an idea. You don't have to take it serious.

[laughing]

I had to fly-- I had to fly the other day in a tiny plane,

and I hate the tiny planes.

I don't know why I hate--

Like, I don't know why I think gigantic planes

are less likely to fall out of the sky,

but I try to book Spruce Goose every time.

The tiny planes just terrify me.

The entire flight is like-- [imitating plane engine sputtering]

Eventually the flight attendant comes over and goes,

"Sir, you're gonna have to stop doing that."

[audience laughing]

And I'm like, "But it calms me." [imitating plane engine]

"Well, you're poking the eye of the gentleman sitting next to you."

"Yeah. That's what calms him."

[imitating plane engine]

"Well, the lady sitting in front of you is complaining of wet neck."

[audience laughing]

Speaking of wet neck, I got a massage recently

at a place that had a sign

that said "Top To Toe Massage."

Top to toe.

That to me is an all-inclusive experience

from the tippity top to all the way down to the toe zone.

And you know what? Don't even bother with the toe zone.

You don't have to touch my toes. Toes are disgusting.

But everywhere else wants some Action Jackson.

And I'm here to tell you that masseuse was a real dick skipper.

[laughing]

Yeah.

And that's what you should call anyone in this world

that doesn't do a good enough job,

that doesn't give the job offered, doesn't--

Like when a cab driver picks me up

and he makes me put my bags in the trunk,

I mutter under my breath, "You goddamn dick skipper.

[audience laughing]

You're a fuckin' dick skipper."

Like you, dude. What do you do for a living?

- Build airplanes. - You build airplanes. This is perfect.

[audience laughing]

What would you call it if you built an airplane

and didn't put in any seat belts?

You're a dick-- That's right, you're a dick skipper.

[man] Whoo! Yeah! Whoo!

At first I thought she was skipping that area

because I would just quietly whisper the whole time,

"Choke my dick out.

Choke my dick out.

Choke it out.

Choke it."

She'd be like, "You all right?"

"Oh, no-- Yeah, I was--

Smoker, you know.

[coughing]

Choke it."

I don't know why I thought I could get a decent massage

at a kiosk at the airport.

So stupid.

People always ask me how do I travel with weed,

how do I get everywhere with weed.

And it's pretty simple actually.

The answer is edibles, you know.

When it comes to actual flowers,

I count on the kindness of strangers everywhere I go,

because pot smokers are the coolest and the nicest and they hook me up.

[cheering]Yeah. I love it.

But edibles when flying, you know, especially domestically.

Internationally I wouldn't really fuck with anything 'cause you just never know.

But domestically TSA doesn't give a shit

about your, you know, cookies,

breath strips, pills, vapor pens.

You know, vapor pens all look like e-cigs.

Looks like we're all trying to take back our freedom Stephen Dorff-style.

Um...

Yeah, I fly with all that shit all the time.

Blackout X pens-- I fly with them all the time.

They never say a word to me about any of it.

And if they did, how's that even gonna go down?

Is TSA really gonna pull a brownie out of somebody's bag

and be like, "What's this"?

You'd have to be like, "That's a brownie!"

And they'd be like, "What's in this brownie?"

And you'd be like, "You know, brownie fixin's

with all the shit you throw into a bowl to turn it into a brownie,

maybe with a little something extra special."

If they came right out and asked, "Are there drugs in this brownie?"

This is what I would say to them. I'd be like, "I'll tell you what.

Why don't you take a bite

and get back to me in 45 minutes to an hour

when your life has improved tremendously

and you're so happy that you no longer work for the TSA.

[laughing, cheering]

Give me a buzz.

I'll be high on a plane getting to the next town

where more people will get me high."

Yeah. It's crazy. You can't have liquids

when you're going through security at the airport.

No liquids, but you can have any food at all.

So does that mean, like, kind of liquidy foods are okay?

I think so. I think you could take a pan of lasagna

through airport security.

I think you could just throw it in your bag,

and they'd just be like, "What's with this pan of lasagna?"

And you could just be like, "I hate Mondays." You know?

Leave it at that.

I've been caught about four times

in my history of smoking weed in hotel rooms.

I've been fined or yelled at

or thrown out of the hotel a total of about four times,

which I think is an amazing batting average

for like thousands of hotel stays.

You know, I'm serious about it.

I put a wet towel in the crack of the door leading into the hallway

so that that smell that's so great

doesn't offend any A-holes walking by.

Like, that first time I got caught,

I didn't even know what was happening.

There was an extra charge of $200 on my credit card bill.

And I got all fired up.

"Oh, they charged me for an extra night, that damn hotel.

I gonna call them up and give them the what-for."

And I called them up, and the guy comes on.

I'm like, "Hey, man, what's this extra $200 charge on my bill?"

And he says,

"That's because you smoked in your room."

Oh, no.

Now I had to think fast.

I had to say just the right thing.

And I think I did because I said,

"No, I didn't."

[audience laughing]

But he came back hard...

'cause he was like, "The housekeeper smelled it."

To which I had to say,

"Maybe she dealt it."

Had to say it, you guys.

That's probably the best $200 I ever spent

to say an extremely juvenile comment

to just some dude doing his job.

But I don't want to say what hotel chain it was,

but it was not cool of them to do that.

I mean, it was not rad.

It was not... rad at all.

It was not rad, son.

Not rad, son!

The next time I get caught smoking in my room,

I'm throwing down the gauntlet right here on this special.

The next time I get caught smoking in my room in a hotel,

when I find out about it, I'm gonna go back to that hotel,

even if I have to travel.

I'm gonna fly back to that fuckin' town

and go to that hotel and I'm gonna be like,

"I want to be there when the cleaning crew comes in.

When the professional cleaners comes in here,

like when Stanley Steemer shows up,

I want to be here and watch it happen.

I want to watch them smell the room and wonder why they're doing this,

because the marijuana smell that I left in there

went away a few hours after I was gone.

And then I want to just watch them do it, if they go through with it,

and I'll just stand in the corner quietly, not bothering anybody,

you know, just-- just masturbating,

you know, to prove that worse things happen in hotel rooms

than a little weed-smoking.

I mean, you know, I blow the smoke out the window.

I don't, like, throw it all over the carpet

and the bedspread and the drapes.

I aim that shit.

Stanley Steemer-- that just cracks me up anyway.

Like, I don't know how long I've known what a Cleveland steamer is.

But for as long as I've known what that is,

whenever I see Stanley Steemer on television,

I just giggle to myself

because it's like--

I just think that, you know, somebody named Stanley comes over

and just shits on your carpet.

A dude named Stanley has diarrhea,

and he kind of shows up and does his thing.

Or Stan Lee, the creator of Spiderman,

he comes over and just slings webs of shit everywhere.

It's a real shame, too,

because that rug tied the whole room together.

[lady] Whoo!

There's a sign at the Jacuzzi where I live.

There's a Jacuzzi on the roof. Yeah, I'm crazy fancy.

And there's a sign by the Jacuzzi that says

no one's allowed in the Jacuzzi if they have active diarrhea.

Which-- I get that. I get it.

Because-- You know what? When you have active diarrhea,

like, your agenda is probably filled with sitting in hot water

and reading about whether or not you can sit in that hot water.

It even said "if you've had active diarrhea in the last 14 days."

Well, okay, now you're confusing me with this--

Is it active or was it 14 days ago?

And is 14 days still active?

"Oh, I had diarrhea 14 days ago, you guys.

It's pretty much active still.

So I'm gonna have to sit out on this-- on this orgy.

I'm gonna have to shit out on this one."

So I was sitting in a Jacuzzi full of shit,

and this bee comes over, starts hovering around my head.

And I'm like, "What?"

There's nowhere to run when you're sitting in a Jacuzzi.

It was me or the bee. Don't tell PETA about this routine,

or BETA, but I grabbed a towel,

dipped the end of it in the hot water and just sort of--

[imitates towel snapping] just sort of snapped that bee.

After a couple of tries, I finally snapped it into oblivion,

far and away to the edge of tomorrow

and other Tom Cruise films...

[laughs] and went back to Jacuzzi-ing.

I "Jacuzz" you of murder. No, I went back to...

just sitting there in the hot water.

And I like it. It's good for your aching.

So...

a few minutes later, another bee shows up.

Yeah. And I was high.

Oh, yeah, I was high.

But I swear to you

that bee said to me,

[Spanish accent] "My name is Inigo Montoya.

[audience laughing, scattered applause]

You killed my father.

Prepare to be uncomfortable

for a period of time,

depending on what kind of ointments and salves

are in your possession.

Also, use Nasonex

because I am the Nasonex bee.

I am also Puss in Boots."

I love to do--[audience laughing]

I love to do silly voices.

Ever since I saw Borat,

whenever someone says the words "my wife,"

I immediately have to respond with:

[imitating Borat] my wife!

It is like a disease. It's like I have "my wife" Tourrete's

where I just cannot not say it.

[laughs] But I'm worried.

I worry about it a little bit. I've said it a few times in weird situations.

And I'm worried at some point I'm gonna be at a funeral, you know,

and somebody's gonna be delivering the eulogy-- "I miss my wife."

[imitating Borat] My wife!

[audience laughing]

Come on. Lighten up, everybody.

Life goes on for everybody outside that box.

Come on. Let's think outside the box.

Never said that before. It's going into the special.

I don't give a shit that some of you were horrified by it.

Who's the girl with the sunglasses on? How high are you?

Holy shit. You're not Jack Nicholson.

You're not Robin Thicke.

You're high.

Who else has shades on? No one else has shades on.

She going to be like, "I'm blind."

Hey, lady, when's the baby due? "What baby?"

You know, that kind of thing.

That's why I only talk to the crowd through Twitter.

I only make fun of what they wrote, not how they look.

I'm sure some of you have been driven crazy by my Bane impression.

I love to do Bane from Dark Knight Rises.

Yeah.

[imitating Bane] "Take control, Seattle.

Take control of your sunglass-wearing hipsters.

They need your help.

They can't live outside of the shadows.

I'm familiar with the shadows. You know why?

'Cause I was born there,

in the shadows."

All right. Shut up about this Bane.

Enough about the fucking shadows.

"Oh, would you like to be in the shadows?

I can put you in a box.

I could put you near a fox.

I could feed you some lox.

Or listen to Kesha's tik toks."

Oh, Bane, I didn't know you had

such a wide variety of references,

from Dr. Seuss to Kesha.

[gasps] Oh! Oh, Bane!

I also like doing an impression

of that serial killer dude from Silence of the Lambs.

It's the most terrifying character of all time. The guy that's like--

[low nasal voice] "Is she a great big fat person?"

That fuckin' scary guy?

The guy in that movie that's like,

"Could you help me put this chair in the back of this van?"

I'm paraphrasing on that one. But he gets a woman to help him with a chair.

Like, why would she say yes to the most terrifying voice?

"Hey, could I murder you later

and get another quick favor?"

You know, like, why wouldn't she just start running and screaming

and not wanting to have anything to do with the guy?

And if she does help him, if you're that much of a good Samaritan

that you have to help the creepiest guy on the face of the planet

get his chair into the back of the van,

take the side of the chair that's outside the van

and back him up into it

'cause then he'll just be like,

"Oh, okay.

Uh, all right.

I wanted to trap you up in here

and, uh, then take you home

and-- and wear your skin.

But, uh, at least I got this chair in the van.

So thank you for that.

I could knock that off of my to-do list.

Next up, dancing with my dick between my legs."

[laughing]

Do you ever know what happened to that guy from that movie?

He was on Monk, I think. Yeah he was on Monk for a while.

And also he does voiceover work.

I don't know if you knew this. He is the voice--

Every time they go to commercial on that show on Fox

that plays every summer for like the last decade--

It's called So You Think You Can Dance.

Every time-- I've caught glimpses of it.

I like dance okay. I don't really watch it that much,

but I've seen enough, and you've all seen enough, to know--

Now you're gonna realize it. I'm helping you out.

#you're welcome.

Because he's the voice--

Every time they go to commercial on that show,

it's him going, "So You Think You Can Dance.

Oh, yeah, you think you can dance?

I'll show you how to dance.

I will tuck my penis between my legs,

and I will fucking dance.

We'll be back after these words from Pillsbury."

[audience laughing]

Pillsbury. I don't know why I picked that.

[high-pitched voice] Hee hee hee!

Hee hee hee hee-hee-hee! Hee hee!

But now I'd like to present to you,

Neptune Theatre in Seattle,

my latest creation.

[man] Whoo! It's about that exciting.

This is Bane Gumb.

Bane Gumb. Here we go.

[snickers]

"It puts the lotion on its skin,

or else it gets the hose...

again."

[high-pitched screaming]

"Help!

Help!"

"What a lovely, lovely voice."

[laughing, scattered applause]

Oh, stop it.[cheering]

I sit in traffic a lot in Los Angeles where I live. You know, a lot of traffic.

I try to get around the traffic by listening to traffic radio.

I'll hear the news, hear what's going on in the world,

all that shit that I can't possibly stop, can't possibly help.

But I can, you know, get high and try not to worry about it.

But the traffic reports are so helpful at getting around things.

But there's a station in L.A.

They recently added a third traffic chop-ter

that was going--[audience laughing]

Yeah, "chop-ter."

My brain couldn't decide between "chopper" and "copter" quick enough,

so I coined a new expression called a "chop-ter."

And this station, they get a new kick-ass chop-ter,

and they're all fuckin' psyched about it.

They're super cocky about their new chop-ter.

And they put out a commercial that I think only aired on the station once,

when I was listening or imagining it,

because they probably realized their mistake

after somebody else at the station heard it.

But some guy came on the air and said,

"KNX Newsradio--."

Oh, I wonder if we're gonna have to bleep out that part for the TV special

or if I can be that specific.

You know what, you guys? Let's try not to worry about it.

[audience laughing]

"KNX Newsradio.

Triple-teaming your traffic troubles."

[laughing]

"Hey, yeah, Larry, can I have a chat with you for a second?

Yeah, just step into the break room with me for a second.

Yeah, you can grab a coffee while I tell you.

Uh, listen, man. 'Triple-teaming your traffic troubles,'

that sounds like, uh, dicks are being put in the, uh...

mouth, vagina and asshole of people's traffic troubles.

So, um, you know what? Let's just take all the dicks out.

Let's not put any dicks in anything,

and let's just go back to work and pretend this never happened."

Let's check in on the Twitter, you guys,

see how you guys are doing out there tweeting to me.

I haven't noticed anybody tweeting.

Did anybody tweet at me during that last part of the show?

"No. We're just sitting, trying to enjoy the show.

Like you said, if we wanted to participate we'd go to Shout At The Wolf."

[audience laughing]

Fuckin' somebody's gotta start a Shout At The Wolf.

All right. Let's see here.

Where is...

uh-- [chuckles]

Nina Botts?

[audience members cheering]

All right. No wonder it's plural. There's more than one of you.

You wrote...

[audience laughing]

'Cause I screamed earlier

and that just made you laugh?

'Cause that was pretend.

I wasn't really trapped in a well

by a guy with his dick out and a Bane mask on.

[laughing]

As much as I would like to be.

What? [laughing]

Oh, shit. People say I'm the Charles Nelson Reilly about midnight.

But I'm just like-- That guy, I don't take--

I-- I don't have a--

[audience laughing] Let's just leave it at that.

You guys know what I meant.

When it comes to having sex with men, I'm a real dick skipper.

[laughing, applauding]

Where's...

Mike Bergerson?

Hey, man. What's going on?

You wrote...

[laughing]

[audience applauding]

Yeah, get a good shot of the shame.

Oh, come on, Neptune.

Didn't you see the sign about active dee-i-orrhea?

Holy cow, it's dee-i-orrhea.

Get out of the Jacuzzi, everyone.

It's dee-i-orrhea.

It's dee-i-orrhea time.

All right. Well, thanks for that, that one.

That one really saved the bit. Yeah.

That's really good to go.

Here's something I just wrote down.

Just randomly wrote it down one day.

"Parades--."

You know parades, right?

You're wearing purple. You know about parades.

"Parades are people who are waving while moving

at people who are waving while staying in one place."

[audience laughing]

It might be a haiku.

And then just below that I wrote:

"Fuck parades."

[laughing]

I'd go to a fuck parade.

Are you kidding me?

Those people, they have a reason to be waving.

They're either in or watching a fuck parade.

Whoo!

Do it!

That actually would be kind of creepy.

People who are having sex don't want a guy standing nearby--

Get it, get it, get it!

[chuckles] Um, so...

the, uh-- What do they call it?

The D.E.A.

I couldn't think of a more delicate way to get into--

How do you get from parades to the D.E.A.?

But the D.E.A. has, you know--

They've scheduled marijuana

as a number one narcotic.

Yeah, schedule one narcotic for like a while now.

And I've been saying publicly that meth and marijuana

are both schedule one, that they're in the same boat,

and that they don't belong in the same boat,

but I'd like to put them in the same boat with a tiger and an Indian boy

and see what happens.

You know, see what gets eaten first.

Oh, sidebar. Have you guys ever tried,

uh, endangered tiger meat?

Have you ever-- Has anybody ever eaten it?

I've had tiger meat lasagna,

and I had a tiger meat sandwich one time.

I'm here to tell you about both of those things.

[imitating Tony the Tiger] They're great!

[laughing]

Yeah, that's it.

That is officially probably the dumbest joke

that you'll hear this evening.

Yeah, but it turns out--

But it turns out

that marijuana is a schedule one narcotic

and meth is a schedule two.

Like, marijuana is considered to be much worse than meth

by the D.E.A.

You know, the bottom line is

I get high and watch Breaking Bad,

I don't watch Weeds on meth.

[audience laughing]

Yeah. I'm serious about that.[applauding]

Dead serious.

There's a distinction.

Also, Weeds isn't on anymore.

So when I do meth, I watch Downton Abbey.

Yeah.

And when I get high, I watch just about everything, especially UFC.

I fuckin' love UFC.

And my favorite UFC fighter nickname is--

There's a guy that calls himself The Mexicutioner.

The Mexicutioner. And it makes me giggle every time I hear it

because it sounds, uh, you know, racist to me.

Like, he chose it, he says it because he's Mexican.

So it's not racist at all. He's Mexican. He's The Mexicutioner.

But The Mexicutioner, to me,

doesn't sound like a Mexican who kills people.

It sounds like-- "Mexicutioner" sounds like

that's somebody who kills Mexicans.

Like The Mexicutioner would be a good nickname,

you know, for a sheriff in Arizona

who'd go by "The Mexicutioner."

And The Mexicutioner, he's got like a gut on him like I do.

He's got a gut going.

And, uh-- Which is cool. He's still bad-ass.

Don't punch me, Mexicutioner.

But...

someone tweeted me, "That guy looks like he Mexicuted a lot of tacos."

That's not a nice thing to say.

I'm sorry I repeated it.

We won't put that Twitter handle onscreen for everybody.

I'm always coming up with slogans for things.

I like to come up with slogans for different things that don't want my slogans.

They're not interested in hearing them.

They just don't want to use them at all,

but I think they're brilliant.

Bank of America. Banking is really scary right now.

So that seems like a simple one,

that they should just address that.

Bank of America, their slogan should be:

"B of A. Be very of A."

[laughing]

Be good around Halloween time.

You know, a ghost could say it.

"Be very of A!"

And he could do that thing that ghosts do.

They, like, scare you with their jazz hands.

[laughing]

And my buddy Joe Rogan, he's always advertising

a thing called a fleshlight.

Yeah. Yeah, they're disgusting. I've never tried it.

It's a flashlight-shaped thing that's been hallowed out.

It does not have flashlight innards.

Guys, don't put your dick in an actual flashlight,

especially with the batteries still in it.

But, seriously, a fleshlight is a product that a lot of people love.

It's, like, flashlight-shaped,

but it has a lady's vagina on the inside.

Like, I guess it's supposed to feel like one.

And then you just put your dick in there,

and then I suppose you take it out and then put it back in again.

And you do that for a while.

And, um-- [chuckles]

I think the perfect slogan for this product is:

"Fleshlight.

Fuck those things."

Yeah.

It's not happening for some reason.

Do you guys watch Getting Doug With High? Have you seen that show?

[cheering]

Thanks for watching.

Or listening. Some people just listen to it, which cracks me up.

Just listening to dudes taking bong rips

and telling long-winded stories.

But I guess it works either way.

And we have these mugs on the table on the show

that say "Getting Doug With High" on them.

It's the show logo.

On the back it's got the video podcast network logo.

[glass rattles]And they're nice, big mugs.

There's no reason to knock your beer bottle over.

Just settle down.

Everybody will get a mug someday if they really want them.

But, apparently, these mugs, they're incredibly coveted.

People want to just sit there with their own mug and their own weed

and watch the show, and I love that.

I love that they want to participate like that.

And I want to get them mugs. So I kept saying to the producer of the show,

"Let's sell some fuckin' mugs. Let's get those mugs out there."

Finally they came to me and said, "On today's show

tell everybody that they can buy some mugs."

And I was like, "All right. Here we go.

By the way, how much are they?"

And they go, "Twenty dollars."

[audience laughs, murmurs]

Yeah, it's a little steep for a fuckin' mug.

But get this. Then they go,

"And it's eight dollars for shipping."

So you're sitting at home somewhere, right?

You want a Getting Doug With Highmug.

Twenty-eight bucks for a fucking mug.

I was like, "That is ridiculous, and nobody is gonna buy these things.

And if they do, good for them.

I mean, I appreciate the support

and that they're willing to spend that much."

A few hours later, after I announced the mugs are on sale,

they tell me, "We've sold out already.

We completely sold out of all the mugs."

I'm like, "At $28 a throw, we're completely sold out?"

They're like, "Yeah, we're completely sold out."

I go, "How many did we have?"

And they go, "Sixty-four."

[audience laughing]

Oh, my God, we're rich.

Holy shit.

Can't believe our luck.

What an amazing windfall

has been bestowed upon us.

[chuckling]

So now we're in a holding pattern where they're gonna make more mugs.

And then we're gonna announce again, "The mugs are back."

And then you guys can go crazy again for the mugs.

We might make a batch of 72 this time,

just go crazy.

Don't turn the mug machine off

for an extra couple of hours.

I don't know how long it takes to make a mug.

I'm not in the mug business.

I didn't get into this game to sell mugs to people.

So thank you to everyone who thinks they're worth $28.

That's a fuckin' pricey mug.

Where is Hung_Foo?

[man] Right here. Hung Foo?

- Yeah. Right on, man.

You wrote...

[Hung Foo] Yeah.

Sir, do you understand how comedy works?

I have never eaten endangered tiger meat.

Are you kidding me?

You wrote another tweet to me. You're active.

You're an active Twitterer.

You wrote...

That's pretty good, man.

I like that one.

Where is, uh, don'tkillpeople?

[laughing]

That's a pretty sweet name. Pretty sweet Twitter handle.

I hope a lot of people see it

'cause that's an important message to get out there.

Don't kill people. How many followers do you have, don'tkillpeople?

Oh, you're up to 20. Good job.

Twenty people that might not kill anybody.

Some of them might still kill people,

but at least they might think about it for a second.

"Remember what don'tkillpeople said to me on Twitter?"

"I sure do, let'sgokillpeople."

I'm gonna check that out later tonight

and see if there's somebody on Twitter called let'sgokillpeople.

That'd be a messed-up name.

You wrote...

[man] Aww.

It's fine.

I'm the fuckin' one who's wobbly, dude.

[cheering]

I keep moving it around and putting it on the mic cord and shit.

So, yeah, I've been fucking around with it,

but they got top-notch equipment here,

here at the Undersea Room at the Neptune Hotel.

I just said that 'cause I want some stoners to try to find the Neptune Hotel.

[cheering]

Thank you, Seattle!

You are my Duck Dynasty.

Let's throw some balls at some ducks.

[cheering continues]

♪♪ [rock]

Yeah![cheering]

[cheering]

Oh![cheering]

[people chattering]

Whoo!

[people chattering]

[woman] I can see you.

It's Sunglasses is here.

She's got her sunglasses on.

Indoor, outdoor, all the time.

I wear my sunglasses at night.I love it.

Oh, that's nice.

[imitating Borat] That's nice.

That's nice. My wife.

My wife, nice wife.

Talked me into another hit.

I'd smoke with you, but I got a U.A. on Tuesday.

Oh, all right. Whatever that means.

Photo bomb.Oh, my God. Fuckin' ducks.

That crazy fuckin' duck.

I can't believe that they're down already.

Oh! Ducks.

You can have it.

[indistinct chatter]

That guys doesn't even work here.

He has nothing to do with this place.