Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: This program is rated 18+, and contains scenes of

violence, coarse language, and mature subject matter.

Viewer discretion is advised.

♪

JOE: - I've cracked the case.

Detective Robert Calhoun is the copycat.

So I took a leaf out of Melissa's book

and started gathering evidence

and mind-fucking him.

- Why the fuck is this guy in here?

- He got suspicious...

...but couldn't prove it,

thanks to the piece-of-shit cell phone Melissa gave me.

Wheelchair Wendy was still a loose end,

so Melissa encouraged me to do what I do best.

(Screaming)

And I've got to admit,

it was nice having her watch my genius plan unfold.

When Melissa asked...

- What was all that about?

- ...I explained time had come to frame Robert the copycat

as the Christchurch Carver.

Bonus was Wendy had excellent taste in fish.

Welcome back, boys.

Now, Sally has been lurking more than usual,

but the plan is in place.

Pity it's just gone tits up.

(Grunting)

(Grunting)

Argh!

(Grunting)

- I fuckin' knew it was you!

- What if I make it worse?

(Grunting)

(Grunting)

(Gasping for breath)

(Grunting)

(Cell phone ringing)

(Straining)

Sally speaking.

Sorry?

(Grunting)

(Grunting)

(Glass shattering)

- (Thudding) - Ah, ah!

Sorry, what's his blood pressure?

And his heart rate?

(Straining)

(Panting)

I'll meet you at the hospital.

(Car engine starting)

(Groaning)

(Panting)

(Straining)

(Panting)

(Groaning)

- Never any doubt,

fucktard.

(Breathing heavily)

(Exhaling)

(Straining)

If you think this is a tough ride, Bob...

wait till I get you upstairs.

(Grunting)

♪

(Soft gasping)

(Straining)

Hey, sleepyhead.

Nice nap?

- You can't do this. - Hey, save the denials.

An innocent man would have come here with his colleagues

instead of all this.

- Oh...

Oh, you've made a mistake.

- An innocent man

wouldn't have turned his cell phone off before coming here.

- Hey, Joe, listen to me.

I'm sorry that I kneed you in the balls, OK?

I shouldn't have done that,

but whatever the fuck you think you're doing--

- Save it.

There's somebody that wants to meet you.

Hold that for me, would you...

..Detective?

(Breathing heavily)

(Tape ripping)

(Train whistle blowing)

Pickle?

What?

I should have known you'd try to come back.

Where's Jehovah?

(Meowing)

You.

(Meowing)

Here kitty, kitty.

Aren't you a good boy, Karma?

I mean good girl.

Come on.

(Purring)

MAN (on TV): - Right now, I'd appreciate it if you'd deposit your weapon.

MAN 2 (on TV): - If I don't?

(Gunshots on TV)

(Tram bell dinging)

MAN (on phone): - You've reached the Christchurch Carver tip line.

- I have some information for a Detective Schroder.

- If you'd like to tell me what it is, I'll pass it along.

- I need to speak to Schroder directly.

- That's not how it works, sir.

Now, what is the information you have?

- He's the one in the newspapers, not you.

Do you wanna catch the Carver or not?

(Cell phone buzzing)

- Schroder. - Detective Inspector...

- Yeah.

- ...there's a guy with info on the Carver.

He wants you. - That's OK. Put him through.

JOE (over phone): - Is this Schroder?

- Yep.

(Siren wailing in distance)

JOE (voiceover): - And what do you know, perfect timing.

- Are you sure about this? - No.

The fact that the caller

didn't mention tarot cards gives me hope.

- We should tell Stevens. - Why?

So she can tell me I can't do that either?

REBECCA: - No, so she can put uniforms on it.

- They all have to be followed up, Becs.

- Yeah, I know, but there's-- - Plus, I need the fresh air.

JOE: - Happy hunting.

(Card beeping)

(Lock clicking)

Nobody will care

that Melissa's sketch doesn't line up with Calhoun

or that dental records won't match the bite marks

on the apples.

This parking ticket will trump all of that.

It's the final nail.

- Yeah, whatever. Go for it. - Thank you.

- Oh. - Jesus.

- I think someone's fucking with us.

- Possibly.

- Or maybe not.

JOE: - Come on, Schroder.

You're almost there.

♪

- Anything yet from Travers? - No, still waiting. You?

- The number that called in the knife was a phone booth in town.

Officers there are asking around,

but as yet, no one's seen anything

- There's a reward on the line.

Why not give your bloody details?

DOMINIQUE: - Maybe they'll call in if it pans out.

What time did he say that these prints were ready?

- Fuck it. I'll call him.

You got something? - Yeah.

You're not gonna like it.

(Drilling)

- Don't forget to check the pockets.

♪

(Tires screeching)

You miss me?

(Sniffing)

Ooh.

What's that smell?

(Sniffing)

Did you piss your pants?

You just stay quiet, Detective,

and I promise you can walk out of here alive.

Some people have no class.

Melissa.

- Did you get it?

(Flies buzzing)

(Sirens wailing)

(Door slamming open)

♪

- Clear. - Clear.

(Straining)

MELISSA: - Ding dong!

JOE: - 100 bucks she says...

MELISSA: - Honey, I'm home.

- Bingo.

We're upstairs.

(Footsteps approaching)

(Scoffing)

- So this is the cop.

- He admitted it.

- Huh.

People will admit a lot of things

if you have a knife to their throat.

- Trust me. It's him.

(Wincing)

- Why'd you pin Daniela's murder on Joe?

- The Christchurch Carver killed...

It can't be you.

- Oh, it's him, cop. Get your head around it.

So, did you decide to frame him before or after you killed her?

- You've been watching us this entire--

- Hey!

Don't talk to him when I'm the one asking you questions.

- I didn't kill anybody.

Jesus, Joe.

Hey, hey. Wait.

- Oh, um, we're gonna need a bucket.

- Give those here. We do not need a bucket.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Listen, Hey!

Wait. No, no, no, wait!

- After, OK?! After, after. - (Cackling)

- Shit!

Look, what happened, it was an accident, OK?

- Is that a thing, Detective, killing people by accident?

- That's not what I meant. - What did you mean?

And you can start by telling us why you chose her.

- What? I didn't choose her. I just...

Look, we met, OK? It's the way the world works.

People meet all the time.

- And some prefer to stalk.

Where?

Uh, at a barbecue at Schroder's house.

- He invited her?

- Yeah, he invited a lot of people.

- Didn't invite me, the prick.

- She came with her husband, and within a couple of minutes,

I could tell that she was afraid of him.

- Oh, that's a pretty big assumption.

- Yeah, well, I've been in the game a long time.

MELISSA: - So then what happened?

- A few days later, I came here.

I told her if she wanted to talk, I would listen.

- If she wanted to talk to anyone,

she would have spoken to Schroder.

- No, it doesn't work that way.

Look, most of the time,

it's easier for people to open up to a stranger.

- Is that like opening up a stranger?

- I gave her my number.

I said if she wanted to call, she could.

And a few weeks later, she called,

saying she wanted my help to leave him.

- Help yourself more like.

- No. You're wrong.

Look, she asked me to come over here, all right?

And by the time I got here, she'd had a few drinks.

She changed her mind.

Fuck.

I don't even remember who kissed who, but we kissed, OK?

And then...

MELISSA: - And then?

- She accused me of...

using the situation to try and get her into bed,

which is bullshit, but she got angry, and...

..things got out of control.

- Things often do.

You hit her?

- Yeah.

Look, I didn't mean to, OK, but she was yelling at me.

She was screaming.

She was gonna tell everyone that I was gonna lose my job.

Fuck.

If she'd just...

..calmed down and listened to me...

..we could have talked it through, but--

JOE: - Instead she stabbed you with a pen.

- I'm sorry that I killed her, OK? I fucking am, but...

..it was an accident, OK? I swear to God.

- Is that why you think you're here?

- Well, isn't it?

- I don't care that you killed her.

We're here because you framed me for it.

- That's not why I'm here.

I'm here for Melissa.

- What?

- Does the name Melissa Flowers mean anything to you?

- No.

Oh my God.

You're her sister.

- One day she was here, and the next day she wasn't,

and it was all thanks to one of your colleagues.

- Hey, hey, that shit had nothing to do with me, OK?

- What the fuck is going on here?

MELISSA: - Tell him.

- Uh...

Melissa Flowers. There was an allegation that she was raped

and killed by a police officer, but--

MELISSA: - It was a detective.

And it wasn't an allegation; it was a fact.

- A case was being built. - Oh, bullshit.

- No, it was, but these things take time.

And then he disappeared.

Oh, fuck.

(Chuckling)

- What?

- It was you.

(Chuckling)

- What was her?

- He disappeared. We thought that he'd run, but...

Oh, fuck.

- He was my first.

- Hey.

Wait, wait. Listen to me.

No!

(Muffled grunting)

Fuck! Please!

- Kill him.

- No, no, please!

(Muffled) No, no, no, no, no.

Listen to me.

Please.

- This one's yours.

- (Muffled) Wait. Don't.

Please, please, please.

Please, listen to me! Hey, Joe!

Joe, please!

(Grunting)

(Grunting)

(Grunting)

- (Slicing) - (Screaming)

(Gargling)

(Breathing heavily)

(Gargling)

(Breathing heavily)

- Hoo! That was fun.

(Sighing) Who's next? - Next?

- Yeah. There's always gonna be a next, Joe.

Let's meet after you clean this up.

- Where?

- Our park, midnight.

Don't be late, babe.

- Fuckin' doing this bullshit.

I'll show you what a Joe thing is, babe.

(Grunting)

Ooh!

(Groaning)

(Panting)

Wait a minute, Joe.

Every cop in the city will be looking for Calhoun's car.

Well, aren't you pretty?

I love window-shopping.

(Engine revving)

(Dogs barking in distance)

(Engine revving)

(Car approaching)

(Knocking)

- Detective Kent?

- I'm sorry, Sally. You're gonna have to come with us.

♪

(Grunting)

(Straining)

(Grunting)

- Say hi to Daniela Walker for me.

Fucktard.

Good luck digging this up, Karma.

(Phone ringing)

(Footsteps approaching)

(Door clicking open)

- I'm sorry to hear about your father.

- The doctors say he's gonna be fine.

Why am I here?

- Do you recognise this?

- A parking ticket? - Yeah.

It's got your fingerprints on it.

- I haven't used a parking ticket in months.

- Yeah? And when was that?

- I don't remember. It could have been longer than that.

- OK. But this has still got your fingerprints on it.

Take a closer look.

- What is this, Carl? Do I...

Do I need a lawyer?

- That parking ticket belongs to a car

that was found today in long-term parking.

- I've never used long-term parking.

- There was a body found in the boot of that car,

and at some point between that body being left there and now,

you've picked up that ticket.

- I've-- I've never seen this ticket in my life. I swear.

- Fingerprints don't lie, Sally!

- Nor do I.

- No. No, you don't.

That's why you're here.

We think you might have picked it up

and moved it without knowing.

- I suppose that's possible. - Good, great.

So, we're hoping, together, we can just figure this all out.

- Have you helped Detective Calhoun with anything lately?

- Like what?

- Well, anything. It could be here at work, his house.

- I mean, maybe something at work,

but people are always asking me to do things.

- Have you ever been in his car or socialised with him?

♪

DI CARL SCHRODER: - What is it?

- I don't know.

- Sally.

- I think Detective Calhoun might be hurting him.

- Hurting who?

(Meowing)

SALLY: - Oh, hi.

- Sally...

You remember something, don't you?

♪

(Purring)

♪

- See you on the other side.

♪

MELISSA: - Whoa.

You look nice.

I'm sensing a vibe. - No vibe at all.

- (Sighing) You're about to fuck me, aren't you?

- Not at all.

What's your real name?

- Why? So you can use it in an "it's not you, it's me" speech?

- It's an us speech.

- What... is going on, Joe?

- I'm just trying to figure out what happened to your sister.

- The same thing that happened to Daniela Walker.

Cop took an interest in her.

- And then you killed him, and it felt good.

- Once you open that door...

there's no going back. It's like you ascend.

People aren't people any more, they're prey.

- Is that what I am to you? - No.

- I'm starting to think that's what I am to you.

Ah, you are fucking me.

- Open it. - You open it.

The fuck is that?

- It's you killing Calhoun.

Why don't you take it home and watch it?

- On what? It's not the '90s.

Fuck! Fuck!

Goddamn it. You really are the scorpion, aren't you?

- I can't have you going to the police

because you wake up one day either bored

or pissed off with me.

So consider this...

..a romantic gesture.

- How's that? - 'Cause now we're even.

A fresh start.

- Together?

- If that's what you'd like.

(Chuckling)

- Oh God.

I can't believe I fell for something so...

- Simple. - ..archaic.

I'm impressed.

And...

..a little bit turned on.

What are you waiting for?

♪

(Panting and moaning)

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Just, just, just be careful.

- No, fuck being careful. - Oh God!

- Are you gonna be like this the whole time?

(Squealing)

(Joe moaning)

♪ Churches ♪

♪ Townships with churches ♪

♪ I'm counting Bibles ♪

♪ Counting pews ♪

- What about her?

♪ Cathedrals ♪

- What about him?

♪ Cities with cathedrals ♪

♪ Stained glass windows ♪

(Grunting and moaning)

♪ Are my view ♪

- Wait, wait, wait! - No, no!

♪ Christchurch ♪

♪ In Cashel Street I wait ♪

- What about them?

♪ Together we will be ♪

♪ Together, together, together ♪

♪ One day ♪

(Moaning and grunting)

Ah!

(Moaning)

- Ah, this is our stop. - Don't stop!

- No, no, our stop.

(Tram bell dinging)

Becky was right.

There really is somebody for everybody.

But how do you love the woman who terrifies you to death...

..the woman who brings meaning to your life,

but who at any moment can end it?

Is that part of the attraction?

I've never had these feelings before.

I don't know what the future holds,

but I do know I'd be sad if I had to kill her.

♪

(Door clicking shut)

JOE: Hopefully it won't come to that.

But what does a future with Melissa look like?

Do we move in together?

Do we have cheese on toast for lunch

and break into people's homes in the evenings?

She said there was always going to be a next,

but a next who? More cops?

And what happens if she gets mad at me?

Do I sleep with one eye open

and her with a pair of pliers beneath her pillow?

We're like everybody else who starts a new relationship,

entering the great unknown.

And more than anything,

that's what Melissa is-- a great unknown,

much like my mother.

(Knocking)

- Joe! - Hey, Mum.

- What's wrong? Has something happened?

- I just came to say hi.

- Oh, well, it's wonderful to see you,

even if you didn't call first. Come on.

You're lucky you got me, I only got home a few minutes ago.

- Oh, from the grocery store? - No, Joe.

You do know I do other things than just shop for groceries,

don't you? - I know, Mum.

- But I did go shopping,

and I...

..bought you something.

- A new phone. - Mm-hm.

It's a thank-you for bringing Walt into my life.

Listen, Joe,

I know you probably have questions about Walt and myself.

And when he's out of hospital, we can all sit down,

and you can ask us anything you want.

- I'm fine.

- Your father's been gone for years,

and I'm not marrying Walt tomorrow,

if that's what you're worried about.

And nobody is asking you to call him Dad.

- I'm happy for you, Mum.

Actually, I have some news too.

- You've also met somebody. - I have.

Her name is... Melissa.

For all I know.

She's wonderful.

In fact, she's coming over to my house this evening.

- Is she the woman who came around here a few days ago?

She was exactly the kind of good Christian woman

I've always imagined you with.

- Oh, no, that's the Sally from work.

She's just a friend.

Who I need to pay a visit to, or I guess that's we now.

- I'm not sure what my friends will think.

- Sorry?

- They've always thought I was being so brave

by accepting you for who you were,

especially considering your father.

- What about him?

- Well, they always suspected his lifestyle

would have messed you up if not his suicide,

but maybe they were wrong.

- Dad?

They were wrong, Mum.

Dad dying didn't mess me up at all.

- It does mean they won't think I was being so brave,

which is a shame, don't you think?

- Maybe that's what they'll say at your funeral,

"She wasn't as brave as we thought."

Mum...

I have something for you.

I found it in the driveway.

(Sighing happily)

(Fly buzzing)

Before I met Melissa,

I was happy being the Christchurch Carver,

but I really think I can be a better man

being Joe the Romeo.

This crazy, mixed-up world has taken it upon itself

to find me true love,

to find me companionship.

I've lost two fish, gained two fish and a cat,

but there's something even better.

I have a woman who gets me.

The possibilities for my future are endless.

(Unclear) Sally.

Well, this will save me and Melissa a trip later.

- Oh my God, you're OK!

I'm so relieved.

- What the fuck is she doing here?

Uh, stand down, everyone. Stand down.

- You need to stop lying to me, Joe.

- What are you talking about?

- The police came to see me. - The police?

- They found something in your apartment

that belonged to Detective Calhoun.

What was it, Joe? You know you can trust me, right?

And they won't tell me what's going on,

and I haven't been allowed back at work since.

- What are you talking about?

- Well, I know you didn't want me to say anything,

but I had to, and I had to tell them that someone hurt you.

- Fuck!

- And I told them that I thought that it was Detective Calhoun...

- Fuck!

- ...because I saw you meet him at that house, Joe.

- What the fuck have you done, Sally?!

- All units, go, go, go, go.

(Sirens wailing)

(Sally gasping)

- What are you doing? - Shut the fuck up, Sally!

(Sirens wailing)

- Don't shoot!

(Police grunting)

Don't shoot!

(Squealing)

- I should have shot you the moment you turned up

with the fuckin' tuna sandwich.

♪

I always knew this day might come,

but why today of all days?

(Gun cocking)

- No one needs to get hurt, all right?

We just have a few questions,

and then we can all be on our way.

- You guys really must believe I'm an idiot.

Look, just back up Schroder!

- You know I can't do that.

Look, just let Sally go,

and we can talk about this like reasonable men.

- There's nothing reasonable about this, Schroder.

SCHRODER: - Come on, Joe.

You know me.

Look, I just want the best for everyone here, that's all.

(Sirens wailing)

♪

Joe?

There's no getting out of this, you know that, eh?

- He's wrong about that.

From day one, there's always been a plan B.

It's a cliché, but things are clichés for a reason.

- No!

- Get back, Sally.

- Don't do it, Joe.

- I'm the one who decides who lives and dies,

not these arseholes.

Christ,

life really is like Romeo and Juliet.

♪

- No! - Joe!

- No!

(Gunshot firing)

(Footsteps retreating)

(Police radio chattering)

- You did the right thing.

(Police radio chattering)

And we'll do everything we can.

I don't know what the next steps will be, but...

(Sirens wailing)

..to the hospital, be assessed, and then...

♪

- Didn't want to believe it.

I really liked you, Joe.

And I stuck up for ya.

You're fuckin' lucky Sally saved ya.

- I am.

Praise Jesus.

(Electric guitar sting playing)

- Get him out of here.

- Yeah.

(Ambulance horn blaring)

(Sirens wailing)

- I'm coming for you, Joe.

♪

♪ Oooh ♪

♪ Oooh ♪

♪ Oooh ♪

♪ Oooh ♪

♪ Ahhh, ooh ♪

♪ Ahh, ahh ♪

♪ Oooh, ahh ♪

♪ Ooooh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Oooh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪