Original subtitles

-Uh-huh. -Darn tootin'.

-Well, I'll be. -Done reckon.

What are you fellas talking about?

To be completely honest,

I forgot.

Oh, good. I thought it was just me.

I was one "yippee-ki-yay" from running out of cowboy jargon.

-It's Lou, right? -Yeah.

I own Kikiwaka Ranch.

I'm also a bit of a cowgirl myself.

You don't say?

So, are you an expert in the three Rs,

ropin', ridin' in wranglin'?

I know the last one starts with W,

but we're phonetic folk.

No, I just like cows since I grew up with them. [chuckles]

On a dairy farm,

not like a "baby raised by cattle" situation.

Sarsaparilla, on the house.

Ah, ha. Would you look at that?

A free treat I didn't have to scoop up

off the highway first. [nervous laugh]

Please change the subject.

Well, now that the Brobbler business is boomin',

me and my investors have even more plans for Dusty Tush.

I just bought the land next to your ranch.

Possum Parts Plains? Good time to buy.

Vultures finally picked it clean of all the... parts.

Well, now that we're neighbors,

looks like we'll be seeing a lot more of each other.

I'll be looking forward to it

more than a gap-toothed hog in velvet overalls.

A gap-toothed hog reference?

Have you spent time in southern Montana?

-Uh-huh. -Darn tootin'.

Well, I'll be.

Done reckon.

Ah, we're in the well again.

[all] ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

-Hey, Destiny. -I didn't do it!

Wow, Winnie is really rubbing off on me.

No. I was gonna ask if you would come

check out Ski-kiwaka with me.

I set up a doorbell cam to keep an eye on things

before I open the camp this winter.

Check this out.

[Destiny] What am I looking at?

They're trespassers,

which I prefer to the notifications I get

of wolves peeing on my porch, but still!

It's so blurry I can't even tell what they're doing.

Yeah, I could only afford the cheapest camera.

My other option was to hire the local caricature artist,

but he refuses to work in

below freezing temperatures.

It's like, "Where's your work ethic, Dennis?"

So why do you need me to go up to Ski-kiwaka with you?

Because you're a dear friend

and a fantastic problem solver.

[sighs]

You want me to walk ten feet in front of you

-with a baseball bat, don't you? -Yes. Please.

C'mon, Tina, we've got work to do.

What is he doing?

I think he's using that wall

to figure out how long the measuring tape is.

Even for you, buddy...

Hey, Ryder, what are you up to?

Oh, hey. Me?

Well, I'm, uh...

using the wall to figure out

how long my measuring tape is.

In your face.

As convincing as that was,

what are you really doing here?

Ding! Oh,

that's my oven timer.

I'm coming, oven!

That's so weird.

You know earlier he told me

he bought up the land next door

and has big plans for the area.

Maybe he's after my ranch, too.

So last week we thought this guy was up to no good,

then we learned he was good, and now he's up to no good?

I'm so confused I've almost come full circle

to understanding it.

He's just like everyone else

who's buttered me up only to con me.

Pa Gordon Clementine,

that reality show producer,

Oliver the super fan, Boomer Gower,

my coven of witches,

now that I'm saying this out loud,

I am really starting to take it personally.

Wow, this camp's a real revolving door of weirdos.

[chuckles] Good thing we're team normal.

Time to teach Ryder a lesson.

That mealy-mouthed wannabe cowboy

will be sorry he ever stepped foot on my ranch.

-Winnie... -[intense] Say it.

Say the words.

-You're unleashed. Do your worst. -It will be done.

Lou, I don't think that was really his oven timer.

You're welcome.

Did Lou assign you cooking chores

or is this just how you crazy kids are dressin' these days?

I can't keep track of your baggy pants and your weird hats.

No, I'm just trying to distract myself.

The letter from Juilliard comes today

that says if I got in or not.

Wow, that's huge. Are you excited?

Mostly I'm just nervous.

Being a part of their prestigious acting school

means I get to hone my skills, master my craft

and tell people I went to the same school

as Steve the Gute, Guttenberg.

This looks pretty good.

Nope, my eyes lied. What is in my mouth?

I call it S'muna-fish casserole.

It's a mashup of tuna and s'mores.

Is this white stuff marshmallow or mayo?

[chuckles] Yes.

Maybe try distracting yourself with something else.

-Like what? -Let's think.

What could a full-time camp counselor have to do all day?

I don't know, that's why I'm asking.

[shivering] This is way too cold.

I'm from Tallahassee.

The one time it got below 70 degrees,

the weatherman quit.

Remember, the trespassers could be dangerous,

so we need to prepare for the worst.

Wait. Are are these deaf?

Oh, no, happy children playing ice hockey.

I'm terrified.

Check it out. We have fans.

Hey, guys, I'm Destiny,

and this is Parker.

Well, I didn't know you could sign.

Yeah, I'm learning.

I also know a little French, German

and the entire NATO alphabet.

There's a lot you don't know about me.

And a lot you can't.

[interpreting] He's Miles and I'm Lucy.

You guys are welcome to stay and watch,

but we're not signing autographs until the game is over.

I'm sorry, kids, but it's not safe

for you to play up here unsupervised.

[interpreting] We've lived in Dusty Tush our whole lives,

and we come up here all the time to play.

He's right.

Now, where were we before these old geezers interrupted us?

Excuse me? I am a regular-aged geezer,

thank you very much.

C'mon, Parker, you need to go over there and demand that they leave.

I don't know. When I open Ski-kiwaka,

I don't wanna be super strict all the time.

I mean, look at these baby-soft hands.

They're too delicate to rule with an iron fist.

Okay. Well, how are you going to get them to leave?

I have an idea.

But first I must moisturize...

for battle.

See? What'd I tell ya?

If it's yellow, let it mellow?

No! That I knew Ryder would come back.

Ready to do this?

I can't make yellow on command, Winnie.

Now's the time, she'll never see it coming.

The plan's a go.

What in tarnation?

Ha! Gotcha!

Tell your oven timer you're not gonna be home tonight.

Hey, guys, I know we don't know each other that well,

but I'm not a big fan of tiny jails.

We're foiling your evil plot to steal Kikiwaka,

and learning to flush when appropriate.

You think I wanna steal your camp?

Come on, we know what you're up to.

Measuring the mess hall? Buying up nearby land?

Deviously skulking around the lawn?

Yeah, for a gift I'm giving Lou!

And for the record, it wasn't a skulk.

It was a delicate saunter.

Likely story.

Where is this gift?

You mean that cow topiary rolling in right behind you?

"To Lou, seeing you puts me in a great moo-d."

Delightful pun.

-See? -Why are you giving Lou a gift?

I like her.

I was trying to ask her on a date.

Wow. A quick conversation really could have cleared all this up.

So us.

Well, Lou doesn't like you.

She called you a "mealy-mouthed wannabe cowboy."

-She actually said that? -Yeah.

She also said, "Jake, quit putting your underwear

"in the microwave." Which is irrelevant

but I'm bummed, and I need to vent.

Bill, check it out.

I've got a new plan to take my mind off the Juilliard letter

that still hasn't shown up.

Oh, is this one a project for camp?

Better, it's paleontology.

Y'know, maybe I was too hard on S'muna-fish.

Are you sure you wanna spend the day

randomly digging holes for fossils?

It's better than worrying about the infinite black hole

that is my future.

Oh, look! I found something!

Life has meaning again!

It's just a bag.

Or is it a bag full of dinosaur bones?

It is not a ba--

Oh, man, now you have me curious.

[squirts]

This has been a fun day so far.

Look, there's a note.

"Congrats. You have found my contraband.

"When I see you covered in blue paint, I will end you.

"Yours in revenge, Winnie."

Aw, that adorable little scamp.

Adorable? Noah, I have been marked for death!

Yeah. You should run.

Okay, guys, time to settle this.

Winner stays.

Loser leaves,

having discovered a newfound respect for their elders.

[interpreting] You're on.

Since your weak and brittle bones need some sustenance,

we're gonna feed you this biscuit!

Ooh, they've got biscuits?

Biscuits are hockey pucks.

That was a sick burn. Keep up.

Are you sure we can win?

I don't know anything about hockey.

Don't worry, I'm Canadian. Hockey's in my blood.

Never played a day in my life, but I bet it'll be okay.

[kids laughing]

Can I switch teams?

Maybe that was a lucky shot.

[gasping] Okay,

maybe that was a whole lot of lucky shots.

Hey, great game.

I'm sure you dominate the 65-and-over league.

Did you know hockey involved this much skating?

Florida.

Good news. We got rid of Ryder that good-for-nothing cowboy.

And I found a four-leaf clover.

Unrelated, but yay for me.

Did you also find out why that guy was trying to steal my camp?

Actually, he wanted to ask you out on a date.

Even brought a gift. What a weirdo.

Oh, he did?

Really?

Why are you saying it like that?

And why are you twirling your hair

like you wanna go on a date with him?

Oh, my gosh, you wanna go on a date with him!

Well, we were really hitting it off

before I thought he was the enemy.

That guy really puts the "ow" in cowboy.

I could've gone my whole life without hearing that.

I only unleashed you on Ryder

because I thought he was trying to steal my camp.

Now I feel really bad that we trapped him in that cage.

You what?

It was only for like an hour.

Also be on the lookout for a $2,000 charge from The Cage Store.

Oh, since you trapped him in a $2,000 cage,

it's gonna take a grand gesture to fix this.

You guys are gonna help me apologize and ask Ryder out.

You don't need a grand gesture.

You just need a little luck.

Jake...

It's a three-leaf clover.

Foiled by counting again!

Guys, guys. Everyone! Run for your lives!

The legend of Tush Mountain is true.

[interpreting] Is that the legend about

how snow tastes like cotton candy?

Because it was bogus.

It mostly tastes like wolf pee.

[Parker roars]

No. It's the legend about

how all who loiter on this mountain

will be devoured by a snow beast!

Who is currently missing his cue!

I can't see anything out of this mask.

Why are the eye holes so small? I mean...

[roars]

Victims are this way, snow beast!

[roars, gasps]

Nice fall, old man.

How's that hip?

[kids laughing]

Great. Now, how are we going

to tactfully get the kids to leave?

Oh, we're done with tact.

I'm gonna lay down the law!

But first, I'm gonna lay down here

[groaning] because my sciatica is acting up.

So, what's the next terrible activity?

Barbecuing, except I'm on the rotisserie?

Embroidery, and my hand gets sewn to my face?

And why am I giving you more ideas?

I'm done distracting myself.

An acceptance letter from Juilliard

wouldn't be delivered this late. I didn't get in.

It would have taken my career to the next level.

But now the only thing left for me to do is sigh dramatically.

[sighs dramatically]

Seriously, you're a camp counselor!

There's a beginner's swim class that has no lifeguard!

Please don't mention class to someone who just lost out on his dream school.

Juilliard!

I'm sorry, but there's other acting schools.

I hear the University of Twin Cheeks has a great drama program.

Bill.

Their fall play was Mary Poopins.

Yeah, that's pretty bad.

Lou, I can't believe you're doing this.

Just let me know when Ryder's here

so I can jump out and surprise him.

This is gonna be so romantic.

Okay, we're ready for Lou's message to Ryder.

[reading]

Is it just me, or is this way too thirsty?

Ryder's coming.

Winnie, Jake, y'all wanted to see me?

He said, now wondering why he returned to the scene of his abduction.

You bet. We have a message for you straight from Lou.

Guys, get back in line!

I love that you're a disrupter, Caleb, but not right now!

[reading] "Oh, get lost you?"

No! Caleb, you're killing me!

[Lou] Hey, I'm stuck.

-Lou, is that you in there? -[gasps]

[coyly] Why, yes.

I just wanted to deliver a message.

Did you get it?

Oh, I got it.

[Lou] Well, I don't like how you said that.

Okay, Caleb and I are officially on the outs,

but I fixed the sign.

[Winnie reading]

Jake, that's not better!

I don't know what we're doing.

Somebody help me get out of here!

-[Lou yells] -[groans]

Okay, Lou, message received.

I'm going.

You'll never have to hear from this cowboy again.

No! Come back!

Is he leaving in a huff?

I feel like he's leaving in a huff.

Jake.

What the heck are "gluetoots"?

If you had 'em, ooh, you'd know.

"Meet Jake and Winnie on the Great Lawn for a surprise.

"Bring jellybeans."

Well, well, well,

if it isn't liver-bruisin' Lou.

She gives you butterflies in your stomach,

then smashes 'em to bits with a mean uppercut.

Technically, it was a right cross.

No one walks away from my uppercut.

So I'm guessing you got a note, too.

Yeah. It said come to camp and meet Steve Guttenberg.

He better be here.

I shaved my left arm so he could sign it.

Okay. I think I know what's going on here.

Nope, I was wrong.

What are you two doing? Let us out of here.

Sorry, but this was the only way

to give you one more shot at your date.

We would have accepted cash for a movie.

Why go to the movies when the romance's right here?

[switch beeps]

[♪ slow jazz music playing]

As much as I love this vibe, I'd rather not have

my second abduction ruin smooth jazz for me.

Guys, cut the music!

[music stops]

Give us the lawn, please.

[Lou sighs]

I'm really sorry, Ryder.

They're only doing this because they support me.

In their own weird, potentially criminal way.

And they know that I really like you.

I can't promise something like this won't happen again.

I wouldn't blame you if that's a deal-breaker.

Well, there's a reason I keep coming back here,

even though I'm not entirely sure I'll survive.

It's because I like you, too.

-You do? -Yeah.

You're definitely worth it.

-Hey, how's the date going? -Jake, get out of here!

Third wheel. Message received.

Okay. New tactic.

You guys have given me no choice

but to call Lou.

My phone!

I just figured out how to make the font bigger on my texts!

Okay, I am old.

Oh! Oh, my gosh, why is it so cold?

It's snow.

I'm from Florida!

[interpreting] There's more where that came from if you don't get outta here!

That's it!

You're about to feel the wrath

of Little Miss Get-Off-My-Lawn.

I can't believe that that old fogey thinks

she can throw snow--

Whoa! Granny's got a cannon.

Snowball fight!

I did it! I hit a child!

It was a mean ageist one!

I'm numb form neck down

but the fire of vengeance is thawing me out!

We've got 'em on the ropes! Let's end this!

Never mind. We're surrounded.

Maybe if we surrender,

they'll let us keep our tastefully chic outerwear?

[speaking] Aw, don't quit.

This is so much fun.

It is, isn't it?

You know, I'm turning this place into a camp.

We'll be skating and sledding and snowball fighting all winter here at Ski-kiwaka.

You guys should sign up.

[interpreting] But we like to come up here in the summer

and play in the snow all day long.

During the winter,

we have a whole hour of school that gets in the way.

Only an hour?

The Dusty Tush public school system leaves a lot to be desired.

Our math teacher is a scarecrow with the calculator.

Well, what if I open the camp year-round?

Then you and your friends could attend during the summer.

[interpreting] Really? That would be awesome.

I knew there was a reason I liked old people.

While forgetful and weak in the bones,

they always end up doing the right thing.

See you next summer.

See you next summer.

Looks like someone's got a year-round job at Camp Ski-kiwaka!

There's just one problem.

Lou still thinks you're working at the ranch next summer.

Destiny, Lou and I are adults.

We'll just have an honest, mature,

difficult conversation about it.

You want me to stand ten feet in front of you, don't you?

Yeah and bring those snowballs

and that granny cannon of yours.

Noah, I care too much about you to let you keep wallowing in misery.

Which is why I'm willing to do this.

[clears throat]

-Hey, it's me. Sock bi-- -Stop!

Oh, thank goodness!

Your mouth movement is all wrong and your glue work is sloppy.

Plus, I've moved past sadness.

Wow. I'm proud of you for being so emotionally mature.

And graduated to rage!

Juilliard didn't even have the decency to send me a rejection letter.

It's like I don't even exist to them.

Who do they think they are? My agent?

You're... you're calling them? Maybe you should sleep on it.

Let's not burn any bridges.

Oh, I'm gonna burn all the bridges

and set fire to the rivers they span!

Hello, Tish?

I'm just calling to tell you a little something about your precious Juilliard.

You think your school is so great?

Well, let me tell you, it's a sack of wet butts.

Hey, Noah, this letter came for you from Juilliard.

Really?

Uh...

You probably could've just hung up.

Winnie, when did this come in?

Oh, just now.

The mail is late because I accidentally

trapped the mailman in one of my cages.

It happens.

You got this.

I don't believe it.

I got in! I got into Juilliard!

Yay!

[clears throat]

I mean, good job.

My parents are gonna be so proud.

I can't wait to call them and--

Oh.

Hey, it still works!

-[rings] -Agh! It's Tish!

Dude, just press ignore.

Yeah, so that's why I got into small business investing.

I wanted to give back to the town that gave so much to me.

That's exactly what I wanna do with my camp.

Invest in Dusty Tush.

Looks like we have a lot in common.

Our philanthropy, love of pirate fiction,

staging grand gestures in lieu of communicating directly.

It's true.

Lou, I've had an amazing time with you.

The only thing that could have made this night better

is if this cage had a bathroom.

Or, you know, no cage at all.

Winnie, Jake.

How'd it go?

Thank you guys for doing this.

This cage is the nicest place I've ever been trapped at this camp,

and I've been trapped everywhere.

Seriously. One time in my own sweatshirt.

I'll let you lovebirds out now.

[clicks]

[clicking]

Uh-oh, the remote stopped working.

Now I know why this cage was on sale.

$2,000 was the sale price?

While you're already mad,

it might be a good time to tell you I nuked my underwear again.

[♪ theme music playing]

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