Original subtitles

What excuse do you give Lou every time we sneak into town

to go to the Armadilla Sarsaparilla Shop?

I just tell her we're supervising

Winnie's court-appointed community service.

She buys it every time.

Community service?

Please. Like I'd ever let them catch me alive.

Three of your best sarsaparillas, Ernie. Or your worst.

The expired ones have a nice tang, too.

Well, howdy.

Howdy.

I don't know who this guy is, but I like him.

He has a way with words.

I'm Ryder McCoy, the new owner.

Just bought this place from Ernie for a song.

Obviously, I didn't actually sing.

But if I did, ooh boy, do I have a sweet falsetto.

A witty, self-assured cowboy?

This guy checks all my hero boxes.

Ryder McCoy?

Aren't you The Marshal's nephew...

"The nephew"?

Yeah, I just moved back to Dusty Tush

after graduating business school

at the University of Twin Cheeks.

Now that I'm saying it out loud,

it makes sense the diploma had a crease down the middle.

Well, if you need any help getting more customers,

I'm actually the Armadillo mascot, Sassy, from the grand opening.

Should a crisis ever arise,

I will don the costume once again.

You were a talking armadillo,

not Batman.

I've actually read about you.

The Dusty Tush Times said,

"Noah Lambert as the mascot is better than an actual armadillo.

"Almost."

Well, anyway, welcome back to town.

We're regulars here, and we always sit on these stools.

Yep, you'll be seeing a lot of us.

I love this stuff. So if you ever see an empty bottle in front of me,

you better get me a refill or else...

[chuckles]

Not a joke, sport.

We're gonna be spending a lot of money here.

[all] ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

It's awesome you came to help with the music for our wedding, Bijan .

I'm psyched.

-The kid I used to babysit is gonna deejay our reception. -Totally.

The coach is pretty mad that I'm not gonna be at training camp.

But, hey, what's more important,

my career or my third favorite babysitter's wedding?

I don't know how to answer that.

[cell phone chimes]

Hello? Coach. I told you I'll be back next week.

Yes. I'll get the chocolates from the airport.

Whoa! Was that NFL Running back, Bijan Robinson?

I wonder if he's here for our airport chocolates.

-What's wrong? -Well, I'm just going over

the list of three destinations Victoria likes for our honeymoon.

She asked me to choose one, but I can't decide.

I can help you pick. I'm a very picky person.

I struggle to make any decision.

Wait. This isn't helpful.

This is the first thing we'll do as a married couple.

It'll set the tone for our whole life together.

It has to be perfect.

This feels a little heavy for a 13-year-old at camp,

but I'm with you, buddy.

Hey, Destiny. How's it coming with the gum wads?

Are they all coming off okay?

I'm trying, but they're stubborn.

Ew! This one has a tooth in it.

Don't scrape it all off. Some of that's load-bearing gum.

Here, I'll show you.

Mom, this is terrible. I'm running out of time.

I just feel like I'm leading him on.

And now I have to actively avoid him?

It's clear Parker and I just want different things.

I have to tell him it isn't gonna work.

Fine. Put the dog on.

I can't believe it. She's basically leaving Parker at the altar.

I think they opted for a wedding trellis, but your point still stands.

Come on.

Fifi, please. This isn't about you.

[dog barking over phone]

Okay. We can stand now.

Parker is going to be destroyed.

I know it's gonna be such a mess.

He's an ugly crier. Have you noticed?

We just need to remind Victoria how much she loves Parker

and how compatible they are.

Yes.

Was she just about to get advice from her dog?

Whoa! This place sure is packed.

So packed, no one will notice if we swipe stuff.

You knew who I was when you brought me here.

Howdy. Can you all believe all this hubbub is because of the brobbler?

So we're gonna need more than that.

I added a new brownie cobbler dessert to the menu.

The Brobbler.

And that's trademarked, so no one can steal it.

I think you're safe.

I guess word spreads fast.

Half these people aren't even from here.

You can tell because they keep calling their pets their kids.

That's great, but there's people on our stools.

They better get lost or I'm gonna earn my community service.

Oh, I'm sorry about that.

How about a brobbler on the house?

No, thanks. We'll just take our usual.

Ooh, sorry. But I'm all out of sarsaparilla.

-[both yelling] What? -It's okay. We'll just take water.

Ew!

How could you not have our sarsaparilla?

It's called The Armadilla Sarsaparilla Shop.

Not anymore.

Now it's The Brobbler Gobbler Shop.

Even got a new mascot.

But this place already has a mascot. Me!

Uh...

[gasps] Gasp!

Sorry I didn't offer you the role,

but it's my friend Larry's costume,

and he won't let anyone else wear it.

He said something about not knowing where he ends

and the turkey begins.

Well, nice to see you all.

But being the mascot was the biggest gig I ever landed in this town.

People still asked me for my autograph.

That was a credit card receipt.

I still signed it.

"Stay sassy."

We need to get our shop back.

Oh, we're getting it back.

At least put some waddle in your step.

You bring shame to your craft, Larry!

I still can't believe we're using your virtual reality stuff

to visit each location on Victoria's honeymoon list.

Once you see these three places,

it'll be easy to decide which is perfect.

And I can't wait to solve another problem

with an expensive, overblown solution. Let's do this!

[Caribbean music playing]

Whoa! This is amazing.

It kind of reminds me of all my family's trips to Jamaica.

I assume.

They never took me.

Go ahead. Look around.

Re-parent yourself.

You can actually feel things in here?

The suits create those sensations

so the VR feels as real as possible.

Ow!

-Now I'm glad I didn't go with my family to Jamaica. -Are you?

No. They got shaved ice.

So, what do you think?

Well, it's nice, but it feels like it's missing something.

I think I'm gonna pass on a beach honeymoon.

But while we're here, let's go for a VR swim.

[VR device beeps]

Jake, did you download a shark?

Of course.

I wouldn't deprive you of the whole virtual experience.

It feels like it's about to deprive me of my whole virtual leg!

[screaming]

Do I deliver or what?

[yelping]

-[both] Surprise! -It's your bridal shower.

You moved my bridal shower up a week?

-Yeah, that's the... -[both] Surprise!

Yay!

And it'll be a surprise to my friends and family

when they find out they missed it.

We just couldn't wait to have this party

and celebrate how perfect you and Parker are for each other

and how this wedding is definitely, for-sure happening.

Fish cake?

-Hey. Is that the happy bride? -[chuckles softly]

If not,

you need a different hat.

Hey, Bijan. I thought you were helping Parker come up

with your set list for our big day.

Yeah. I guess he's busy doing honeymoon stuff right now.

But you know I love anything involving weddings,

especially catching the bouquet.

I like to spike it!

Everyone, we have an amazing activity to kick things off.

A trivia game.

Victoria, we had Parker record himself answering questions last week,

and we're going to ask you the same ones to see if they match up.

And to think I almost missed this because of my NFL career.

Okay, question number one.

What is Parker's favorite potato chip flavor?

Oh, that's easy. He loves barbecue.

Let's see what your hubby-to-be said.

Come on, barbecue.

My favorite chip?

Sour cream and onion, cheddar and sour cream,

or maybe jalapeno.

Pretty much anything but barbecue.

I despise barbecue.

Wow. [chuckles softly] I was way off.

How did I get that so wrong?

Okay, next question.

What is Parker's middle name?

Patrick.

You know your man. Roll the tape.

Oh, my middle name? It's a good story.

So it's supposed to be Patrick.

But when my twin sister and I were born, there was a bit of a mix up.

So my legal middle name is Penelope, [snickers]

the barbecue chip of middle names.

Okay, this game's over.

Weird. He's never told me that story,

but, I mean, in the long run, it doesn't matter.

Is that ham? Come on, Bijan.

Did you hear what she just said?

"In the long run, it doesn't matter."

She's gonna kick Parker "Penelope" Preston

right to the curb.

Winnie, this plan better work.

I've been collecting these gross, hairy worms all summer.

When Ryder's not looking, we let them loose

and the out-of-towners go running.

Why do you collect worms?

Because Lou took my snakes.

On three. One, two...

-Howdy. -Three-dle leedle,

which is "Nice to see you" in Portland...

Ese?

Would you look at that.

Butterflies.

Um, Winnie,

those worms you were collecting

wouldn't have happened to have been caterpillars once, would they?

There's a solid chance.

You put on this show for me?

Sure know how to make a cowboy feel right at home.

Threedle leedle.

I can't believe this guy.

I know.

He's a cowboy,

and he's fluent in Portland-ese.

Is there anything he can't do?

So this Italian town is another one of Victoria's honeymoon locations?

It is. She loves me in capris.

[chuckles] Apparently, I've got the ankles of a Thoroughbred.

You know, it's charming, but I'm not sure what we do here.

Gotcha.

-I'll put the sharks back in. -No more sharks.

Let's just walk around and explore.

Why walk when we can...

-[claps] -[VR device beeps]

Canoe around town?

Oops. I had that loaded and ready to go

in case you wanted to flood Italy and do the shark thing.

-[claps] -[beeps]

A bike?

Wow. I haven't ridden one of these since I taught Bijan.

[chuckles softly]

Okay, fine. He taught me!

[bell chiming]

Whoa. It's a little tricky on the cobblestone.

-Look out for that... -[crashes]

[Parker groans] Gelato cart.

Hey, you kind of got your shaved ice.

Victoria, prepare for enlightenment and guidance

into your happy future.

Cool! [chuckles softly]

What is happening?

Whatever it is...

I am in.

Destiny will read Victoria's future

using fortune telling cards. [chuckles softly]

She claims to know how to do this.

Victoria, ask anything and the cards will answer.

Okay, uh, let's see.

Will I be rich?

[gasps]

No.

And the reason is...

There's a "Deadbeat husband" card?

Yikes!

We do not have to read the cards aloud.

Let's take the next one.

The "Mr. Wrong" card? Come on!

This one's just a woman with red hair crying.

I have to get back to my hoagie.

The meat expires in ten minutes.

Well, great. The cards just made everything worse.

Bijan, you want me to read you next?

Not with that deck.

Okay, I have an idea because clearly Winnie's didn't work.

Your evil plan hatches into beautiful butterflies one time,

and all of a sudden you're not trusted for mayhem.

All right. Showtime.

You think this will work?

No. And I hope it doesn't.

You know I'm not on your side, right?

Hark!

What hath poisoned me to make my tummy bubbleth over?

'Tis the brobbler. The brobbler has undone me.

Holy cow pie. He seems really sick.

You have no idea.

A toilet, a toilet.

My kingdom for a toilet.

But Noah never even ate a brobbler. I don't understand.

Oh! He must be doing an improvised performance for us.

What a nice guy.

A plague on both your outhouses.

[groaning]

Noah Lambert, everybody.

Let's give him a big ol' Dusty Tush

-threedle leedle! -[all clapping]

Y'all are too much. Stop it.

Or don't. Actually, just keep it coming.

You in the back. Are your hands broken?

[dramatic music playing]

Jake, where are you?

[Jake's voice echoing] I am everywhere!

-[VR device beeps] -[yelps]

Just kidding. I'm right here.

So Victoria's third honeymoon option is Iceland?

Yeah, but I'm not sure it's best for it.

If a Canadian is cold, you don't want to be there.

Can I interest you in a shark?

Anything but sharks!

Great! Angry Yeti coming right up!

[creature growling]

I should have asked for hot chocolate!

We gotta get out of here. It's gonna eat us alive!

[voice echoing] What do you mean, "us"?

I am nowhere!

[laughs maniacally]

Jake, fix this!

[VR beeps]

That's not what I meant.

[creature growling]

Okay, we've set up the station as an exciting preview

of what your life will be like when you're married to Parker

because you're definitely marrying him.

That's not in doubt at all, and we're in no way trying to convince you.

Lou, can you jump in here? I'm blacking out. [breathing heavily]

You guys sure you haven't hosted a shower before

because I never would have known?

Oh! Tracksuits, syrup,

assorted bling.

What's up with the astronaut stuff?

[mimicking static] So happy you asked. [mimicking static]

Parker's sister owns an actual space station,

and she's hosting a space-giving this year.

Her freeze dried eggnog is the bomb.

Sure is.

Priscilla's eggs to nog ratio is [kisses]

sublime.

Go on, give it a try.

-[tooth cracking] -Ow!

[mimicking static] Oh, no. Houston, do we have a problem?

It was so hard I chipped my tooth. Is it bad?

-No. It's fine. -Yikes! It's so bad.

Winnie, I hope you're happy.

Switching out the brobbler mix seems to have got rid of everybody.

I can't believe it.

A Winnie Weber plan worked perfectly,

and nobody has to give a deposition tomorrow.

There's still time.

[sighing sadly] Hello.

No "Howdy"?

You broke him.

It looks like all my new customers fled to the hills

when I served up my last batch of brobbler.

Somehow it got replaced with this.

I don't even know what to call it.

Mound of brown.

Just spitballing.

It's a shame.

I had a bunch of investors.

I was gonna use that money to make improvements all over town.

I guess that's not gonna happen now.

[sighs wearily]

Larry's gonna take this hard.

All Ryder wanted to do was make this town better.

-We made a huge mistake. -Yeah.

We didn't put our order in before he left.

Not the time. I get it.

Hey, I was just in a VR simulation with Jake,

and he is so knowledgeable about everything.

We really shouldn't underestimate him.

And now he's eating soup with a fork.

Uh, Parker, I really need to talk to you.

You might wanna sit down for this.

So here's the thing...

Victoria! Don't call off the wedding.

I mean, you can if you want.

You have agency, and you are your own woman.

But we really don't want you to.

Excuse me. Can we just go back to the part about

[yelling] "calling off the wedding"?

Parker, please stay out of this.

We are cleaning up your mess.

I'm sure those fortunes were bogus.

We all know Parker isn't a deadbeat.

Well, who said I was a deadbeat?

Just because my parents put it on my birthday cake does not mean it's true!

Okay. Can I step in here for a minute?

No! Because I haven't done my speech yet.

Your life is going to be amazing with Parker.

Granted he's an over confident, trust-fund baby,

but who doesn't love a fixer upper?

Victoria, are you calling off the wedding?

-Of course not. -[gasps] We did it! We changed your mind!

We're the best!

Guys, I'm in love with Parker.

I was never calling it off.

But we overheard your phone call with your mom

while we were hiding under a table.

You said, "This isn't going to work,

"and I'm actively avoiding him."

Okay, I see.

First off,

y'all are creepy.

Second, I was telling my mom

that I don't want Bijan Robinson deejaying our wedding.

-Oh. -Why not?

He's so nice.

I just really had my heart set on a live band.

Also Bijan needs to get back to training camp.

He's the centerpiece of my grandma's fantasy team.

Fine by me.

Right now, I'm just happy you're not leaving me at the altar.

I think you mean wedding trellis.

Wait. Why did you kind of whistle when you said that?

Whoa! What happened to your tooth?

I mean, I love you with all my heart.

What's going on?

Where did all these new customers come from?

Here's your brobbler, ma'am. Enjoy.

And here's your bill.

I already added a $20 tip.

Come back soon.

I can't believe it. Did you guys do all this?

We made a new batch of brobblers

and asked all the counselors at camp to go around town handing out samples.

Word spread fast that the original recipe was back.

There's a lot of unsupervised campers today.

But that's how we do.

Well, I'll be! Larry, are you in on this too?

[scoffs] Please!

Larry doesn't have these moves.

We talked, and I made him understand

that he exists beyond the costume.

Plus, I took it when he wasn't looking.

Folks, thank you kindly.

But I don't understand. Why did you do this for me?

Because we were the ones who ruined things in the first place.

We wanted our shop back, and we didn't care how.

So we sabotaged your business. We're sorry.

Well...

Thank you for coming clean.

And you bet I accept your apology.

-Thanks. -Aw.

I never did anything wrong. Not apologizing.

-I can't believe the dentist fixed your tooth so fast. -He didn't.

I found a spare one attached to some gum under a table.

So with all this, we're gonna be able to experience

what our honeymoon will be like?

Yeah, but don't get your hopes up.

I'm not sure that any of the choices are perfect.

But no matter where we go,

I will be wearing capris.

Prepare yourself!

Wow! Italy looks different than I thought.

[creature growling]

Is that a yeti making espresso?

There must be a problem.

These are all your options, but merged into one insane location.

Jake, can you pull up the beach simulation?

Jake, if you're loading sharks, so help me!

Well, while we wait,

why don't we have some wintertime-summertime fun?

Choose your noodle.

[both yelling]

[both grunting and laughing]

Oh, no. My tooth.

Oh, no. Again? I'm so sorry.

-[yelling] Ha! -[groaning]

I win!

Your love for me will be your downfall!

You know what?

We don't need to see the other simulations anymore.

Really? I thought you wanted to show me

why those places were perfect for our honeymoon.

I did. But now I realize

anywhere will be perfect as long as I'm there with you.

Aw. I feel the same way.

[Jake's voice echoing] Yes!

Wait.

Jake, did you do all this on purpose?

Did you put us in this insane mash up so that we'd realize

it doesn't matter where we are as long as we're together?

[voice echoing] Maybe.

[water splashing]

[voice echoing] Oh, man! I dropped my tablet in the toilet.

[toilet flushing]

-[VR screeching] -[voice echoing] Nope. That was a mistake.

So, Bijan.

Victoria and I have some difficult news.

I have difficult news, too.

The coach said I've get me back to Atlanta.

So I can't deejay at your wedding.

[sighs]

Okay. Now you go.

-No! That's okay. -I can't remember what we were gonna say.

Howdy, guys. I'm so glad y'all came back.

I would never want to run my regulars off.

Plus, you scare me a bit, and I sleep better knowing where you are.

I get that a lot.

Look, I know the shop is changing,

but I just want y'all to know you'll always have a place here 'cause...

This is yours.

Our very own reserved section.

Thank you, Ryder. We don't deserve this.

They really don't.

I'll go grab your sarsaparilla.

Hey, I thought y'all were at Winnie's community service.

Lou, we've come a long way today and learned a lot,

so I'm not gonna lie to you.

She got let out early.

-Howdy. -Howdy.

I don't know who that guy is, but I like him.

He has a way with words, doesn't he?

[♪ theme music playing]

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