Original subtitles

What's all this?

Ooh, are we cutting up magazines to send our parents fake ransom notes?

With friends like you who needs true crime podcasts?

We're working on our scrapbooks,

so we'll always remember being at camp.

Podcasts, scrapbooks,

okay, boomers, tell me more.

This page is filled with all the texts Cleo and I sent each other.

Did you glue your phone to the page?

I had to.

The hamsters that powered the camp's printer quit.

I keep telling Luke to give them more sugar cubes

or there's going to be a camp wide hamster rebellion.

[all] Aww.

Check it out. I just finished up my page on the Compton Cowboys.

These scrapbooks are great.

But why is this page in the middle blank?

Oh, I kept it free for cattle drive pictures.

But I don't think we're gonna have time for one before the end of summer.

Why not?

Parker's activity for today,

is help Parker come up with an activity for today.

It would take weeks, driving cattle hundreds of miles across uneven terrain,

sleeping on the cold, hard ground and eating nothing but beans.

I was so looking forward to it.

Weeks of nothing but beans?

You could cropdust half the country that way.

And I have.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Glad he did it to us just now?

No!

If we can't give Bill a real cattle drive,

maybe we can recreate the experiences he'd have on one.

That's a great idea!

[cell phone ringing]

Excuse me, I need to take this. Go for Jakey!

One sec.

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

Hey, Lou, do you have time today

to pick up Victoria's wedding dress since she's out of town?

Yeah, of course.

Oh, right. She went to her family reunion.

Actually, she went to my family reunion.

I just wasn't invited.

Really? I was.

Wait, seriously? How did you get an invite?

I was a big hit at your family's Easter brunch!

The way your Uncle Jed carves a ham!

[laughing]

You'd get it if you were there.

Anyway, I'd pick up the dress myself,

but it's bad luck for the groom to see it before the wedding.

It's weird that you're superstitious,

the rest of your family isn't.

Oh, they told me that at Boxing Day.

My mom's assistant said that that party was canceled!

Yeah, they really don't like you, man.

I got to talk to you about something.

Is it about yesterday when I dinged your car door in the parking lot?

I was talking to Parker-- wait, you dinged my car?

Did I say dinged?

I meant winged.

Nope. Not better. Bye now.

Hey, what did you need to talk to me about?

I heard through the town's grapevine that you're getting married!

Yeah, and I'm his co-best man along with Luke.

I even got new business cards printed.

Hmm.

Comic sans. The font of weirdos.

It's whimsical.

Look as Dusty Tush's justice of the peace,

I'm the one who awards the marriage license

you need to wed Victoria.

Oh, well, Victoria's out of town, so whatever we have to sign,

we'll just have to wait till she's back.

Actually, we can start the process with you.

There's just a few things I want to clear up about your future marriage first.

Oh, I've been getting this a lot.

She is not marrying me under duress.

Dusty Tush takes this process very seriously.

We have to put people through the paces

so they understand how important the institution of marriage is.

I just can't hand over paperwork all willy-nilly-like.

Really? I got my driver's license last summer

just by spelling "car,"

And it was multiple choice!

You'd be surprised how many people pick "all of the above."

What's going on here?

Jake and I made a mock cattle drive for you,

and I promise it'll be better than "Lou's mock eggs."

Why were they square?

And when did you have time to make this?

Oh, that was already there.

Apparently, Susie in Roadrunner cabin in her cabin is quite a fan.

That's a little creepy, but I get it.

I'm a snack.

The first thing on our mock cattle drive is horseback riding.

Great. Where are the horses?

Uh, I lost horse privileges after I tried to take one water skiing.

Pro tip. You need four skis.

But we figured out a way that'll be even better.

You have something better for horseback riding than horses?

Giddy up, cyborg horse!

What up?

Seriously? I can't use this thing!

I've never ridden a scooter in my life!

Come on, Bill, get into the spirit of the mock cattle drive!

Is horse waterskiing still on the table?

Not, according to Lou and her uptight lawyers.

-Now get on. -Okay.

I guess I'll give it a try.

Couldn't be easier.

You just press this lever and make it go.

I'm doing it!

[exclaiming]

[crashes]

I'm okay, but I think I broke the horse!

See? It happens to everyone.

Hey, Lou, what are you in town for?

I'm just picking up Victoria's wedding dress from the bridal pop up.

She couldn't make it since she's out of town for the Preston family reunion.

Oh, I was invited to that this year.

I was so bummed I had to work.

Parker was even gonna drive me to the airport.

Well, hello there.

I spy a woman with fantastic taste.

Well, I have been called the Coco Chanel of dairy farms.

Welcome to Esther's bridal pop up.

Shop with confidence, knowing we have a 90-day return policy.

With proof of divorce.

Wow, that's a solid sales pitch.

When'd you take over the video store?

I know the owner, he said I could keep all the dresses in there

until they get a customer.

Yeah, I think you're gonna be here a while.

Oh, this one's pretty.

Of course it is.

All my wedding dresses make the bride feel like a princess.

[gasps] Why don't you try one on?

Oh, I couldn't possibly...

Okay. Suit yourself.

That was just being polite. Mama wants to feel like a princess.

Wonderful. You are getting married, right?

Yes, of course I'm getting married to a wonderful man.

Congratulations.

What's the name of this wonderful man?

His name is...

Wonderman. Manny Wonderman.

Oh, what's Manny look like?

Oh, Manny!

He's got green hair and his beard is patchy in all the right places.

He's big into capes, and he broke his stomach.

So his midsection is in a cast.

Well, there's a lid for every pot.

Apparently.

Yes!

I can't wait to say our vows in a...

marriage building.

-Do you mean chapel? -Yes!

I'm just so excited about my very real nuptials that I'm forgetting my words.

But lucky for me, Manny is a dictionary salesman.

Well, then allow me to lead you to our clearance options.

Yep. That's fair.

If I'm gonna sign off on your marriage license,

I need to make sure you're ready.

First and foremost, marriage is a test of endurance.

Therefore, you will have to pass a test of endurance.

What's that supposed to mean?

Don't worry, son.

It's all gonna make sense.

Well, this doesn't make any sense!

You're gonna have to prove that you have the endurance

for this lifelong commitment.

Mrs. Marshal and I have been married for 20 years.

In case she's behind me,

I've loved every minute of it!

Do you and Mrs. The Marshal need someone to talk to?

Come on, Parker!

It's time to double Dutch to the death.

Don't you mean until the marriage?

Whatever. Get on in there.

Do I have to do this for long? I had a big lunch.

Again?

He never listens! I keep telling him he has a tiny tummy!

I'm hearing a lot of excuses.

But not a lot of singing.

Let's do the song.

♪ In Dusty Tush we really let loose ♪

♪ You can pick our pick our apples but don't drink our juice ♪

♪ Our town was built on a garbage dump ♪

♪ Now clap your hands and jump, jump, jump ♪

Again!

But turn around and point that tiny tummy away from me.

Bill, welcome to the campsite for a mock cattle drive.

After leading the herd hundreds of pretend miles,

we're hunkering down for the pretend night

Wait, If we're only pretending it's night,

then why is it so dark out?

Open your eyes, Jake.

Oh, you're right.

Nighttime! Daytime! Nighttime! Daytime!

He does this every night with the lamps.

Okay, I'm gonna go rustle us up some grub.

I know on a real cattle drive, you heat these up over a fire,

but I'm not allowed to start one because...

Well, you get it.

Wait. is she using the microwave?

Just be thankful.

Plan A was blowtorch.

-But she's not putting the can in the-- -[explosion]

When cowboys make beans in a microwave,

do they take them out of the can first?

It's a good thing it's night time, because Lou would be so mad.

Jake, your eyes are closed again.

[screams] What happened to Winnie?

This is step two in getting your license.

You see, marriage is also a test of humility.

Therefore, you must pass this test of humility.

Is the humbling part

that I'm wearing a daisy boutonniere?

Because I would never!

This isn't the whole test.

You're gonna pummel him with pies?

Of course not!

You are!

Twenty-five pies to be exact.

That's how many it takes for the humility to set in.

I don't want to do this to you, especially because

you're having such a great hair day.

First off, thank you.

It's a new mousse.

Secondly, you have to know, Noah, please!

This is the only way that Victoria and I can get married in this town.

And I'd rather it be you than a weird stranger who loves throwing pies.

Okay, then. For duty.

Ha.

You said doody.

[The Marshal] Ooh, good shot!

Forgive me!

You know, for a guy who's never hit

a single person during dodgeball, your accuracy is incredible.

I feel like a princess who has never once bare handed a cow pipe.

It's gorgeous.

Kind of like the last 16 dresses you tried on.

One of which you made me hold up while you used the restroom.

Well, I have to find the perfect one.

So if I have to try on 100 dresses and look stunningly gorgeous

every single time, well, that's a sacrifice

we're both gonna have to make Esther.

You know, most brides bring

their bridal party along to get opinions.

It's weird you didn't even bring a maid of honor.

It's also weird that you grabbed cow poop with your hands.

Well, I would've brought my maid of honor,

but she's working right there, but I'm sure she'll take a break

if I tell her to, she has to do what I say.

I'm the bride, right?

-Are you asking me? -No, I'm the bride.

Maid of honor get over here with the bride who is me needs you!

Let me guess, you wanted to try on wedding dresses to feel like a princess,

but had to pretend you're getting married.

and now you need me to help you keep up the lie?

[gasps] No!

I prefer the term "tasteful ruse."

You're my maid of honor. Play along and I'll let you

have access to the working life jackets.

They exist? The rumors are true?

Of course, bride!

I can't wait to help you get ready for your big day!

-Who's the groom? -Manny Wonderman.

He's a caped dictionary salesman in a belly cast.

Aww. I'd love that for you!

Is this is the last challenge?

I'm getting hungry. I could do like a big snack.

Let me live my life, Noah!

Marriage is a balancing act.

If you want me to grant you your licence,

you'll have to balance on this board.

Well, that's pretty on the nose.

Sometimes in marriage, you have to say exactly what you want.

Or you end up getting a lava lamp for your birthday!

Six years in a row!

And what's this metal stuff?

Electrified chicken wire!

Duh!

So if we fall, we get zapped? Why?

To teach you that it is shocking how hard it is to keep a marriage together.

I feel like you're really straining this metaphor!

And why am I a part of this test?

This is what you signed up for when you agreed to be best man.

It is?

I thought I was just gonna give a speech at the wedding,

make it mostly about me, and then start the hora.

Okay, the electricity is a little scary,

but it's not actually that hard to balance on this thing.

That's because we haven't started the line dancing!

Let me guess. After the wedding,

we're gonna have to dance around each other's feelings?

No, I just thought it'd be fun.

Jeez, you're a real glass, half empty kind of guy when it comes to marriage.

I'm going to do this with you, but my best man's speech

gets to include a slide show.

[ ♪ upbeat country music playing]

Five, six, seven, eight!

It's not so bad.

I do worse for love.

Woah! She's not worth it! Get me off of here!

Keep it together, man!

[♪ music continues]

Come on, Winnie, get in, so Bill can pretend to round us up.

By the way, it's me, Jake. Not a cow.

I'm not getting in that costume.

Fine. I'll be the cow butt.

Even though we both know I'm a way better moo-er.

No, Jake,

I don't wanna do the costume because I feel like we're gonna mess it up

like everything else we've done today.

Yeah. Maybe setting up a fake cattle drive was a bad idea.

Wait. That's it.

A fake cattle drive was a bad idea.

We need to set up a real cattle drive.

But how?

If we let all the cows out,

then we'll get to drive them back into the corral.

It's not a month long trip, but it's better than everything else we tried.

That's a great idea, Winnie.

I totally support you.

Why were you so supportive?

I'm a people pleaser!

[ ♪ upbeat country music playing]

You know what? It's not so bad.

Yes. Parker, you found that nice wedding groove

And now your mother in law comes to live with you,

and she refuses to eat anything but microwaved fish!

[ ♪ music speeds up]

Annoying, isn't it?

Just like when someone puts the empty creamer back in the fridge?

But, hey, you put up with it because she let your jam band practice

in the garage on Thursdays!

[screams]

I can smell my burning flesh!

Oh, no, I'm fine.

Hey, the wire isn't electrified?

Of course not!

The jumper cables aren't even hooked up to anything.

Do you have any idea how electricity works?

No. All of the camp's appliances are run by hamsters.

And what does any of this have to do with getting a marriage license?

Why would you trick us like this?

Because you hurt my feelings!

What are you talking about?

None of this has to do with getting a marriage license.

I had to hear about your engagement through the Dusty Tush grapevine.

By the time the news got to me, I heard

you were marrying Vik from the general store.

Vik? You thought Parker could snag a catch like Vik?

Bro's got kind eyes and a 720 credit score!

The point is, I should have heard such important news

from two guys I thought were my friends.

I'm gonna go jingle out a cathartic tambourine solo about this trauma!

I feel terrible.

Me too.

Yeah, but for the record, Vik would be lucky to have me.

Sure, tiny tummy.

Hey, guys, where are you?

Come on, let's hear that moo

you've been bragging about, Jake.

Hmm, gate's open.

That's weird.

Hmm. Cows are gone. Weirder.

Oh, no, this looks like a stampede!

I hope Winnie and Jake are okay.

You couldn't just be the cow butt, could you?

Not the time!

I better go find them.

This is going to take every skill I have as a tracker,

[Winnie and Jake screaming]

Or I could just follow the screams.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I am totally an egg salad girly!

Good thing you only had to hoover three multi-tiered sandwich trays

to discover that about yourself!

Lou, you are a vision.

You're gonna blow Danny's cape off.

-Manny. -[mouthful] Whatever.

I think this might be the one.

-Thank goodness. -But I won't know for sure until I try on the rest.

-Next dress! -There aren't any!

You've tried on everything, so it's finally time to buy one.

Ah...

Well, unfortunately, none of them made me look my best.

After each one, you said you looked like

-a radiant, enchanted goddess. -And that's the problem.

It's going to be a secular wedding.

After hanging around all day,

you'd better have a real reason for not buying a dress.

And I do.

Maid of honor, a little help?

You know what? I've had my fun here.

I know what this is.

Everyone loves wedding dresses.

So they come in here and lie about getting married just to try them all on.

How dare you?

I have never heard of such ridiculousness in all of my engaged life.

I am sick of you fake brides wasting my time!

I am charging you 50 bucks for the dry cleaning on every dress.

Uh... That's gonna be a lot.

Plus my grocery bill

for all the snacks your "maid of honor" inhaled!

Oh, you can talk to Destiny about that.

I'll take you straight to her. Our circle of trust is very broken!

I knew you were lying from the start.

A ridiculous man with the green hair,

cape, mid-section cast you described

never existed.

There's no one in the world who meets that description.

-Oh, my gosh, you're real? -Oh, my gosh, you're real?

I mean, of course, he's real!

I was definitely gonna buy this dress.

But now that Manny's seen me in it,

our union is cursed and our wedding is off.

You'll get your dress back when my life isn't in shambles!

We could have really been something great, Manny Wonderman.

When you see the word "love" in the dictionary, think of me fondly.

You landed a real piece of work.

[♪ playing tambourine]

Straight fire!

The Marshal, we're so glad you stayed.

Actually, I'm on my way out.

I got some sweet tambo licks to lay down.

Look, we're so sorry that neither one of us told you about my wedding.

We are your friends but we made a mistake.

Well, I admit pretending I was gonna

electrocute you to death might have been a bridge too far.

Is there anything I can do to make the whole thing up to you?

There is one thing.

Do you and Victoria have a jam band lined up for the big--

You could be the officiant!

The officiant?

Oh, wow! What an honor!

Thank you so much, Parker.

Now I assume you want me to incorporate my tambourine--

Let's not assume anything!

So how do Victoria and I really get our marriage license?

Oh, we tie the license to a goat,

and you two have to track him down before he eats it.

This still is a weird town.

Well, sounds like I'm gonna have to carbo load.

Oh, no, you won't!

Thanks so much for saving us before we were trampled, Bill.

Yeah, I can see why Susie in Roadrunner cabin has all those shrines to you.

Okay, where is she getting the pictures?

I never posed for those!

And also I gotta know, why did you let the cows out?

We just wanted to give you a real cattle drive

after messing up everything with our mark one.

Yeah. We really Jake-ed things up today.

Oh, we definitely Jake-ed things up.

Real good.

Wait a minute...

Jake-ed things up real well.

Okay, maybe the cattle drive didn't go as planned.

But if this former loner cowpoke has learned one thing

after a couple of summers at Kikiwaka,

it's that I can have fun doing anything.

As long as I do it with my best friends.

-Aww. -Bill...

Now,

which one of my best friends wants to tell Susie I'm married to my work?

Why are you wearing a wedding dress?

Uh, I believe the words you're looking for are,

"why are you rocking a wedding dress?"

Just Please tell me you've got Victoria's.

I already have to tell her that The Marshal is officiating our wedding

and I do not need more bad news.

Well, you're not gonna like this.

I forgot.

What? That's why you were there!

I just called off my engagement!

Cut me some slack!

Okay, fine.

I'll go back and get it, but my best man speech gets to include a slide show.

Oh, man, it's gonna be a five hour reception.

[ ♪ theme music playing]

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