Original subtitles

Hey, guys! I've got some great news.

Is it that you're gonna stop servin' us platypus-pops?

Yeah, sure, that sounds like me.

No, I just bought a new ski chalet in the Teton Mountains.

And by "bought," I mean, "won in a card game."

Kind of a big deal on the Go Fish circuit.

Wait, you're Got-Any-Twos Lou?

Sure am.

That's why I now own a property in a place called "Avalanche Alley."

Yay!

I'm going there today to check out the place.

You wanna go, Parker? I would love to get your thoughts.

No can do. I gotta set up for the fun theme dinner tonight,

since we don't get to spend Christmas together.

I'm callin' it "Holiday Day."

It's redundant, but fun.

There's plenty of time to do both.

The decorations are almost done,

and Bill and Noah can cook the feast I ordered once it's delivered.

You let on one time you have a great beef bourguignon recipe,

and suddenly you're always the guy who cooks.

Then it's settled. Parker, don't worry.

We'll be back in plenty of time.

There's no way I'm gonna miss tonight's gift exchange.

I've been droppin' subtle hints

about the gift I want for weeks.

"Subtle"? You hired a skywriter to spell out,

"Mama wants a weighted blanket."

That could mean anything.

But to be clear, I am Mama,

and I do want a weighted blanket.

So, what do you think, Parker?

Uh, as long as you're sure we won't miss the feast.

Yay. Road trip. Count me in, too.

I'm gonna make a "Driving to a Hazardous Area" playlist.

I'll keep it short in case we don't make it back.

Man, that boy is out there, huh? [CHUCKLES]

I don't wanna make a "blanket" statement,

but the "weight of"... Oh, forget it.

Just somebody get me the ding-dang blanket.

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

Guys, they're coming!

[GASPS] Oh, no, they finally found me!

Okay, fake ID, wig, loose gems...

I've got passports for you guys in here, too.

You're welcome.

Uh, no, I mean two of my friends

are coming for a surprise visit.

Friends? That's great.

Why the panic?

Well, I sort of told them

you guys were Christmas elves.

Aw, I remember my first lie.

Don't worry, you'll get better at it.

I'm sorry, but these friends are very famous,

so I had to fib and tell them

my camp friends were a big deal, too.

Uh, I am a big deal.

I was Little Miss Unleaded.

I get free gas for life.[SIGHS]

When the apocalypse happens, I will be queen.

Will you guys just please pretend

to be elves for the day?

Fine. At least it is Holiday Day,

so we won't be jingling alone.

I'm in, too.

But if this whole operation goes south...

you'll never hear from Miss Wilma Delacroix again!

Man, we sure have a lot of

winter holiday decorations for a summer camp.

Lou couldn't help herself and bought 'em on clearance.

That woman cannot pass up a deal.

Which explains why she

serves us platypus

and calls it "beef with a twist."

Speaking of mystery meat,

this is for Lou,

so it must be the food she ordered for the feast.

Well, at least it's not a platypus.

Wait, Lou doesn't expect us to...

I can't eat this turkey.

I feel bad just heatin' up fish sticks.

I'm surprised Lou ordered a live bird.

But you eat meat, right, Noah?

Well, meet... meat.

So, uh, you think you can actually cook and eat this turkey?

It's a natural part of life.

How would you feel if I showed you this?

"Hello, my name is... Bill?"

I won't let anything happen to Lil' Bill.

I mean, look at that face.

It's the cutest wittle wattle I ever did see.

Yes, I know how I sound,

and I don't care!

People make fun of me for talkin' to a sock.

So, this is the main [SPUTTERS] building,

and there's a [SPUTTERS] bunch more

chalets behind those [SPUTTERS] trees.

Geez, Lou, you sound really cold.

Yeah, well, it's that,

and also this busted phone that keeps vibrating for no [SPUTTERS] reason.

Huh, my phone's not workin' up here either.

Jake, how are you not freezing?

Oh, my underwear has heating coils in the seat.

Well, that'll be an injury we haven't dealt with before.

It's so cool that it snows up here year-round.

Growing up in Malibu, the only snow I ever saw was with Santa at the mall.

That was fake snow, dude.

Oh, so that's why it didn't melt when I put it in my mouth.

And also, why all my baby teeth fell out at once.

Movin' past that.

I'm just gonna unlock this lockbox

and get this key so we can go right on inside...

[KEYS JINGLE]

Snow is slippery.

Where'd it go?

Looks like we're [SPUTTERS] stuck out here... Stupid phone!

Hey, guys, my friends are here.

And you both look amazing.

They're going to be so impressed. I can't wait!

So, her friends are famous people

that are really into elves?

I guess so.

These are my friends.

Oh!

They're reindeer.

This makes so much more sense.

We assumed human. That's on us.

Your celebrity friends are reindeer?

Not just any reindeer.

Santa's reindeer.

These two are Comet and Cupid!

Wait, you mean, like, from the North Pole?

Awesome!

I hope they're not mad at me for having a steep roof.

How did you meet them?

Crazy story. I met this puffin,

who hung out with this polar bear,

who knows everybody.

And next thing I know, I'm rubbing hooves with living legends!

Oh, yeah? Well,

I once saw Rachel Dratch at a laundromat,

so I know people, too.

Hey,

who unscrewed their antlers?

Reindeer shed them during the summer.

Then, in the fall, they use them

as swords in renaissance fairs.

Wait, if they're Santa's reindeer,

aren't they gonna be able to tell we're not his actual elves?

Which is a question I never thought I'd be asking.

Way ahead of you.

Comet, Cupid, these are

Santa's newest recruits. They just jingled

all the way through their workshop training

and are ready to start this winter.

Hi. Dimples. Sled Maintenance.

Sorry, I forgot you don't have... No hands.

How was the flight?

[BOTH GRUNTING]

They said they're hungry.

But luckily, I prepared some snacks for all of us.

Yes, I am hungry, too.

You really work up an appetite

swinging a tiny mallet to make toys,

which is something I do 'cause I'm an elf!

Here it is.

An elf's all-time favorite meal,

Christmas cookies soaked in eggnog,

topped with crushed candy canes,

and gingerbread syrup. Please don't hate me.

Ugh! I can't eat this.

I already feel cavities forming on all 38 of my teeth.

Yeah, you heard that right! I got extras in there!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Excuse us.

Okay, I appreciate you trying,

but if you don't take this up a notch,

Comet and Cupid are going to figure out I lied to them,

and they won't be my friends anymore!

What more do you want from us?

I look like a tree ornament,

my toes are permanently curled, and...

My blood is peppermint!

That!

Ooh, I know. Make some toys.

Just crank out a few dozen in under an hour,

and you'll be back on track.

A few dozen?

How about a few hundred?

These sugary treats got me so pumped, I can see the future!

Great. Maybe she can tell us how this all turns out.

I feel horrible for leaving Lil' Bill.

The Dusty Tush Petting Zoo is the safest place for him.

It's like they say, "If you love a turkey, set it free.

"And if it comes back to you, uh..."

[WARBLES]

Lil' Bill, you came back to me! [GASPS]

Way to ruin my teachable moment, Lil' Bill.

'Sup, turkeys? 'Sup, real turkey?

This is Lil' Bill.

And he's not staying because we have to send him away again.

[WARBLES]

He says he'll just keep coming back.

Turkeys can form strong bonds,

like how they imprint on their mothers.

Apparently, that's how he feels about Bill.

Wait, are you saying...

[VOICE SHAKING] I'm his Mama?

It feels like you're putting words in my mouth,

but I got a reindeer sitch, so peace!

You heard Scout.

We're basically this turkey's family now.

We can't just abandon him.

We're not abandoning him,

we're trying to save his giblets.

[SIGHS] Okay, you're right.

But I'm still packing my baby boy

a bag of snacks for the trip.

And remember,

no matter what you do,

you'll always be welcome back home...

with Mama.

No one ever believes me when I tell them how I spend my summers.

Anyone find the key?

Oh, totally. I actually found it an hour ago.

I'm just digging through the freezing cold snow

'cause I love the feeling of full-body numbness!

Guys, my hands can't feel my face not feeling my hands.

You know what? How about we just take a break?

I wanna show y'all the full property.

No, I'd rather just get back to the camp for the Holiday Day feast.

Come on, guys.

The tour starts this way.

[ICE CRACKING]

Anyone else seein' this?

You're on a frozen pond. Stay still.

Yeah, not really up to me.[CRACKING CONTINUES]

Hold onto this. Okay, slowly.

Again, not really up to me.

One last step.

Made it![YELPS]

Snow is slippery.

Are we all jumpin' in?

Cannonball!Whoa!

I wouldn't do that.

You're wearin' electric underwear.

Hey, guys. How's the toy-making going?

Okay, I've never done this before,

but I think I'm pulling it off.

You are not.

Okay, how about this?

It's my greatest creation.

I call it...

Baby's First Weapon!

You let her make a toy out of an explosive?

I do what I have to to get through the day, okay?

Guys, the reindeer will never believe

these were made by real elves.

You're killing me, Dimples!

Scout, I don't think we can do this anymore.

But it's just for a little bit longer.

Comet and Cupid are leaving in a few hours. Please?

[SIGHS] Okay, we'll keep going.

We're your friends. You can always count on us.

Thank you.

Uh, guys?

I'm making eye contact with this orange, and I can't stop.

I can't tell if I'm weirded out or...

if I've just been truly seen for the first time.

Okay, no more toys for Dimples.

Hey, buddy. [SIGHS]

Really sorry your clothes are all wet and...

that your blanket isn't weighted.

You keep saying that like it means something.

I really hope you didn't pull my name.

Listen, I know this trip hasn't gone

exactly like we had hoped,

but I still think we should tour the property.

I'm sure everything bad that can happen already has.

Probably not.

This place is called Avalanche Alley.

Shh! Not so loud.

You'll awaken the mountain.

Look, I found the key.

Yes! Way to go, Jake![WATER SPLASHES]

I'm sensing a pattern here.

[SIGHS] Okay, fine.

Let's go back to Kikiwaka Ranch. Everyone on the bus.

Where is the bus?

Um... looks like it slid down to the bottom of the mountain.

Inclines, am I right?

♪ Eight maids a-milking

♪ Seven swans a-swimming

♪ Six geese a-laying

♪ Four calling birds

♪ Three French hens

♪ Two turtle doves

♪ And a partridge in a pear tree! ♪

[PANTING]

Wow, two straight hours of caroling and dancing.

I don't know how you elves do it.

We elves don't know either.

But... [INHALES] the good news is, we're done.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Oh, they pointed out that you skipped

the fifth day of Christmas on that last one.

No biggie, but it is straight up blasphemy.

They don't want us to do it again, do they?

They didn't grunt that, but it was grunt-implied.

A-five, six, seven, eight!

♪ On the first day of Christmas

♪ My true love gave to me...A cramp!

A partridge in a pear tree!

Get your head in the game, Baker!

I don't wanna do this again!

No, I have a really bad cramp.

Destiny, are you okay?

Uh, it's fine. I can push through!

♪ On the first day of Christmas

♪ My true love gave to me...

Searing pain! [GASPS]

♪ A partridge in a pear tree!

Aah, it's spreading!

♪ On the second day of Christ...

Kris Kringle, why so many days?

Stop, stop, stop!

Ah, sweet relief!

I'm sorry I put you both through this.

Look, Comet, Cupid, my friends aren't elves.

They're just normal girls, like me.

Aw, no one's ever called me "normal" before.

They're not famous, they're just amazing people

who are willing to do anything for me.

I'm sorry I lied.

If you don't want to be friends anymore,

I understand.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Really?

What'd they say?

They forgive me.

They actually had a good time

hanging out with you complete and total nobodies.

Again, I was Little Miss Unleaded,

and that "gas for life,"

it can be premium or diesel.

Whew! I'm glad we're all friends now.

So, let's go introduce Comet and Cupid to all the other non-elves.

Wait, now that I think about it,

where are the other non-elves?

Didn't Lou say she, Parker and Jake

would be back before the Holiday Day feast?

My texts aren't going through.

If they're still on that mountain, we should go find them.

How? We don't have a vehicle.

[GRUNTING]

Comet says we can use their ride.

That's good.

Because Miss Wilma Delacroix had her car impounded

after she got stopped at the border.

Wilma Delacroix has lived.

Well, we're stuck up here. [SHUDDERS]

By the time anyone finds us, I'm just gonna be a well-dressed meat-sicle.

Don't be silly.

The wolves will pick apart

our corpses well before that.

Mint?

Okay, Parker. Things haven't gone as planned,

but you've been in a bad mood all day.

Oh, I'm sorry, I just must've left my good mood

at the bottom of the frozen pond!

You were gloomy back at the ranch

when I told you about this place. What is your deal?

We're gonna miss you, okay?

Wait, hold on!

I can't give you a mint. I ate them all.

Anyway...

the ranch is not gonna be the same without you.

What are you talkin' about?

I figured you got this place to turn it into a camp.

Which means you're gonna have to leave the ranch to run it.

You're probably gonna be spending most of your time up here,

and I'm happy for you,

but... I'm just not gonna see you as much, which bums me out,

'cause you're the best friend and coworker I've ever had.

Never mind, the mints just emptied out into my pocket. Whew.

I'll admit, I have been wanting to expand.

And I do wanna turn this place into a camp.

But in the off-season.

Besides, I'm not gonna be the one runnin' it.

You're not? Who is?

You, Parker. I want you to run it.

You're giving me a camp?

Well, I'll own it, but you'll run it.

It's my present to you for the gift exchange.

You'll be activities director with us in the summer

and run this place in the winter.

Hey, I'm really glad I pulled your name.

Would've been real weird if I had to give a camp

to Jim, the groundskeeper. [CHUCKLES]

Uh, [STAMMERS] I don't know what to say.

Thank you, Lou.

Thank you. But I...

I just don't know if I'm ready.

You've grown so much

since you joined us at Kikiwaka.

You are definitely ready. You know it, and I know it.

So, what do you think?

Do you wanna do it?

I think... I'm gonna run a camp!

Yay! I'm so happy! [CHUCKLES]

This is the best day of my life!

I can't wait to tell everyone.

Actually, I'm not gonna tell anyone

'cause we're gonna die up here, right?

Guys, I think it's gonna work out.

We can fly home in that sleigh.

Oh, Lord, the cold has taken his mind.

We're comin' to the end, people.

[BELLS JINGLING]

Is that Santa's sleigh

being driven by two elves and Scout?

Good thing I have plenty of mints.

Uh-oh, there's a hole in my pocket.

What a rollercoaster!

Okay, I know you don't wanna send him away,

so I have a new plan to save Lil' Bill.

Great, what is it?

We're gonna kill him.

What?

I mean, we're gonna fake his death.

I mixed Mound of Brown

with marshmallow paste, shaped it like a turkey,

and burned it beyond recognition.

Now, Lou will think we cooked Lil' Bill.

Great idea, Noah.

We just need to hide Lil' Bill until after the feast.

Um, where is Lil' Bill?

[WARBLING]

Oh, there he is, eating himself.

Lil' Bill, why are you doing that?

Isn't it obvious? He's an only child

and doesn't want to compete

with another turkey for our affection!

How is any of that obvious?

Great, he destroyed it.

I hope you're happy, Lil' Bill.

We don't have time to make another fake turkey.

We've been working really hard

to make this summer-winter holiday great for you,

and this is the thanks we get?

Stop, he's just a child! Don't get mad at him.

I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed.

And before you say it, getting him a sibling isn't gonna fix anything!

Mom and Dad need to work through some stuff.

Man, this thing really veers to the left.

For sure. Santa needs to get the alignment checked on his reindeer.

I can see the ranch. We're gonna make it

back in time for the Holiday Day feast.

I can't believe we're actually in Santa's sleigh.

I know. I can't imagine flying any other way now.

Eh, private's better.

[BELLS JINGLING]

I mean, this is great, too, just no hot towel service.

[SIGHS]

On private flights, they push up

a cute little staircase for you. Just sayin'.

Wow. Bill and Noah did a great job decorating for Holiday Day.

Yeah, after everything that happened up on that mountain,

a nice calm, quiet, relaxing dinner is exactly what I need.

BILL: Attack!

You can take our lives, but you can never take our Lil' Bill!

The only thing you'll be eating tonight is my maternal rage!

It was never going any other way.

What is happening? Who's Lil' Bill?

He's a turkey. Bill's a mom now.

Man, Santa's reindeer, ski chalet, turkey moms...

We really pack a lot into a day here.

Lou, we will not let you cook my namesake for Holiday Day.

I have no idea what your problem is.

The only turkey I was expecting

was a rescue turkey I adopted to live here.

You monster! Adopt what now?

He's a rescue turkey?

He's a rescue turkey.

So, you're not gonna eat my son?

No, I'm not gonna eat your son.

Clearer picture forming. Confusion leaving.

Embarrassment setting in.

But if Lil' Bill wasn't the main course,

then what was the dinner that was being delivered?

Uh, probably these boxes of tofu-turkey and sides

from Dusty Tush Catering with a label that says

"Holiday Day Dinner for Kikiwaka Ranch."

[CHUCKLES] Ah, would you look at that?

A comedic misunderstanding.

Our days really are jam-packed.

How could you guys think I was gonna have us eat a live turkey for dinner?

In my defense, I've been dealing with a lot as a new parent.

I was so busy today, I had to feed Lil' Bill cereal for dinner.

Go ahead, judge me!

I got it! Camp Ski-kiwaka.

Lou gave me my own camp for the gift exchange. [CHUCKLES]

What were you guys talking about?

What? You said there was a $30 limit.

Aw, man, now my "Noah Bucks"

coupon book's gonna look really lame.

Oh! [CHUCKLES] Uh, just what I've always wanted. A nightmare-mobile.

To be fair, I was jacked up on sugar

and do not remember making that.

Ooh, this feels heavy. I think I know what it is. [CHUCKLES]

Oh! A weighted blanket. I get it. [CHUCKLES]

Micah, you're fired.

Hey! Thanks, Lou, for getting the tofu-turkey for all us vegetarians.

You're welcome. You know, it is kind of refreshing

to have a meal without hair.

You say goodbye to Comet and Cupid?

Yep. Oh, and I also stopped by the barn to meet the new turkey,

and realized that I actually know Lil' Bill's turkey mom.

Really?

Yeah, she lives at the rescue ranch in town.

Oh, yeah. She's a big deal.

I heard she was pardoned by the president.

Maybe, if I dropped Lil' Bill off at the rescue,

he could be reunited with his mom.

You'd be okay with that?

[SIGHS] It'll be hard, and I'll definitely miss him.

But I can finally get my life back.

Don't get me wrong.

Being a mom is so rewarding, but it was a lot.

I'm really looking forward to focusing on me again, maybe get back into Pilates.

Bill, you've only been a mom for, like, eight hours.

Lou, I don't expect you to understand

how hard it is to put a child's needs before your own.

[WHISPERING] Mmm, okay.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] You know what, Parker?

How about you go ahead and take this camp, too?

Oh, I get it.

A weighted blanket.

Mint?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

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