Original subtitles

Evenin', campers! Good news and bad news.

The good news is, we did get mail.

The bad news is, I think somethin' happened to the mailman.

[DISTANT HOWL]

Anyway, let's see what we got!

Water bill, gas bill, eviction notice,

subpoena, Parker Preston,

an audit.Hey, that one was for me.

The audit?No, this letter.

And maybe the audit.

I'm still fuzzy on what taxes are.

Anything for me in there?

I ordered an anniversary present for Megan.

I still can't believe she stayed with you for a whole year.

That's exactly what my grandma said.

Whatever happened to "congrats"?

Anyway, this gift has to be perfect

since Megan and I don't see each other during the school year.

We can video-call,

but I only get reception in my attic, and...

that's where the broken mannequins live.

Expecting mail, Jake?

No, but I lost my gum yesterday.

I'll put up flyers.

Destiny, this is a letter from investors

who wanna franchise the Dusty Diner.

No way! They wanna put our restaurant in every city in the country?

Well, just every town with a butt-themed name.

It's a weird business model,

but check out these sale projections

for the Backside Butte location.

This is amazing!

Parker, you have to call those investors.

[GASPS] We're gonna have money coming out of our buttes!

[GASPS] We should put that in the pitch.

Ooh, this one's for me.

It's from my friend back home who just made a ton of money.

She invented a way to turn eye boogers into fuel.

Being gross can make you rich?

Why am I even going to school?

Aw, man, found my gum.

It was in my mouth the whole time.

Ah, butt names, eye boogers, and a clueless Jake.

Just another regular day at Kikiwaka Ranch.

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

All right, I spoke with the investors

and they wanna meet with you tonight

to make sure you have the competence I don't.

It was a pre-condition for letting me stay involved.

I can't believe this is really happening.

"Destiny Baker,

"CEO of a giant-yet-cozy restaurant conglomerate."

Just like a tiny Destiny put on her vision board.

[CHUCKLES] I'm so proud of you.

You've come a long way from bein' a circus clown.

Uh, maybe don't mention that around the investors.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, don't worry,

I'm not allowed to talk with them.

It was another pre-condition.

[CREEPY VOICE LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

Did you hear someone laughing?

Yeah, all the time.

People seem to enjoy this camp,

despite my continued involvement.

Take that, investors.

[CREEPY VOICE LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

Okay. I'm not seeing this.

I am not seeing this.

But just in case...

[WHIMPERS AND SCREAMS]

I can't wait to give Megan her gift.

It's a miniature replica of her cat,

sitting next to my cat,

all made of another cat's hair.

Maybe I'm better off single.

[PANTING] Noah!

Something terrible has happened.

Aw, is that for me?

You shouldn't have.

I mean, you should've, it's our anniversary.

But aw... [CHUCKLES]

Can we go back to that terrible thing that happened for a second?

Oh, yeah. There was a break-in

at Videos, Videos, Videos.

When I got to work, all the VHS tapes were gone!

Except for one, with a note.

"Noah, watch the tape."

What do you think it means?

I think it means you should watch the tape.

Jakey's on it.

VHS. Play video.

Video.

I think you need to charge it.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Jumpin' jackrabbits!

If I didn't know any better,

I'd say something bad was about to happen.

But, oh, well, gut feelings are meant to be ignored.

Wait a minute.

Is that a camera?

Huh. This isn't one of the fake surveillance cameras I put up

to give the camp a false sense of security.

I know exactly what this is.

Code red! Code red!

Bill, Winnie, I just found a hidden camera outside.

The health inspector is spying on us.

Hide the dishes and wash the rats.

No, other way around.

Are you sure it's not just one of the fake cameras

you put up to give us a false sense of security?

Yes, I'm sure.

I mean, I don't do that.

Just come with me.

Lou Hockhauser will not be outsmarted by a civil servant.

Where'd the camera go?

Well, we could always check the footage in that shoebox.

Okay, fine. My cameras are fake.

But the one I found was real!

Is this like how you say the camp green beans are real,

but they're actually just spray-painted pencils?

Oh, you don't even eat 'em!

BOTH: Because they're pencils.

That sounds like health-inspector talk to me!

You got this, Baker.

Let's put a Dusty Diner in every butt-themed town

from here to Badonkadonk, Kansas!

CREEPY VOICE: You're not fooling anyone in that suit.

This outfit makes me confident

and that's all that matters, creepy disembodied voice.

Wait, what?

[CREEPY VOICE LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

Why does our well keep laughing at me?

[GASPS] Who are you?

We both know the real question on your mind is,

"Will those investors take you seriously?"

No, I'm pretty sure "Who's the scary clown in the wishing well?"

is still at the top of my list.

Why don't you come down here,

where we can play and laugh all day?

I even have ice cream.

It's plant-based, but you can barely tell.

Tempting, but [CHUCKLES] I should probably get going.

Wait![SCREAMS]

Don't leave. We haven't had any fun yet.

[SCREAMS]

Parker, run! Someone's in the well.

Not again.

Jake, buddy,

there aren't any wishes down there.

I don't see anyone.

Wait, I swear there was a judgmental clown down there with a super-long arm,

and it tried to pull me in

by appealing to my vegan lifestyle.

Destiny, [CHUCKLES] you haven't been eatin' the green beans, have you?

This is not a pencil-induced fever dream.

I know what I saw.

Okay, well, maybe keep that to yourself.

The investors are only here for one night

and they need to think that one of us

is capable of running this restaurant empire.

And unfortunately, I blew my chance

when I ended our call by saying "totes mcgotes."

It's lucky for us that Lou still has a VCR.

You kiddin'? That woman keeps everything.

She has a plastic baggie of her baby teeth.

And her adult teeth.

I don't know what she's rockin' in there.

Noah, why are you on this tape?

If you booked a gig, you would've brought it up.

Like, a lot.

I don't remember recordin' it.

Noah, if you're watchin' this, it means...

you're dead!

What?

[LAUGHS] I'm just kiddin', man.

[LAUGHING] Tape Noah's really funny.

Now that I have your attention, Megan is in danger.

Oh, that's much less funny.

Protect Megan at all costs, or you'll lose her forever.

And if you wanna stand a chance,

heed this warning.

Don't trust Jake.

No. No! No![SCREAMS]

[GASPS] Wait, what happened? What's he talking about?

That is just like me, always leaving my audience wanting more.

What happened to Tape Noah? I hope he's okay.

Also, I would love to get that footage for my reel.

Right now, all we know for certain is that we can't trust Jake.

Why wouldn't you trust me?[SCREAMS]

Uh, no reason. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Phew! For a second there I was afraid you found out

I use your toothbrush to clean my toothbrush.

What?

It's okay, because then I use my toothbrush

to clean your toothbrush. Science, brah.

So, uh, Jake, out of curiosity,

how trustworthy are you feelin' today?

For instance, if I turned my back towards you,

how would that end?

What do you mean?

Did I do something wrong?

Why are my cherished friends treating me like this?

[SIGHS] Okay, don't feel bad, but we watched that tape

and it was a recording of Noah telling us not to trust you.

But I'm sure it was just all a misunderstanding, right, buddy?

Actually, it makes perfect sense. [BLOWS]

I knew giving you tranquilizer darts for your birthday

would come back to bite... me.

[BREATHES SHAKILY] But... why?

Great question.

You see, my humble, villainous origin story begins in the city of...

Aw, man, I've really got to whittle down my evil elevator pitch.

I'm telling you, I saw a camera earlier.

I think the health inspector is spyin' on us.

I don't know why he'd need to spy.

The menu board says "roadkill ravioli."

Why are the pages in this book blank?

Because, um...

Line!

Who are you talking to?

[GRUNTS]

Was that a microphone?

Starting to think I've been eating too many green bean pencils.

[GRUNTS]

Leave me alone!

Debbie, not now. Here she comes.

Bill, who was that?

Uh, no one.

I know something's going on, Bill.

I found a camera, a blank book, and...

Are you wearing fake eyelashes?

These are my eyelashes. Debbie just gives them volume!

[BOTH GASP]

You better tell me what's going on, Bill Pickett,

or so help me, I will confiscate your chaps.

Lou, you have to stop asking questions.

Let it all go.

Because if you don't, you're not gonna like what you find.

What does that mean?

Yee-haw, would you look at the time?

Gotta get back to my cow-poking ranch chores. Ay-dios!

You get back here! I need more info.

Like how does Debbie give you that dewy glow?

All right, time for you to blow the money-filled socks off these investors, Destiny.

I am powerful. I am strong.

I will not have to move back home after college.

Showtime.

Hello, I am Destiny Baker,

and I have a recipe for success

that will bring high-end vegetarian cuisine to millions of Americans,

from Twin Cheeks, Michigan to Snooty Patootie, Arkansas.

Now, I reviewed your proposal, and...

[CLOWN LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

Uh, I'm excited to work with...

[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING]uh, with...

I'm sorry, could someone please turn that music down?

What music?

The circus music with the unnecessary tuba.

You don't hear it?

Talk amongst yourselves, but ideally not about this.

What's going on with you?

What is going on with you?

First, you don't see the clown in the well.

Then, you don't hear the music.

CLOWN: This is boring.

Anyone thirsty? Maybe this guy.

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

No!

[GRUNTS]

Destiny! When I said "be aggressive,"

I meant with your business savvy.

There is a clown in that briefcase.

It was about to spray him with seltzer.

Get out here, clown. Show yourself!

I will not be made a fool of.

From now on.

CLOWN: Uh-oh, Destiny.

Looks like you blew it.

No. Leave me alone!

So, do we get the money now? [CHUCKLES]

Our preferred method of payment

would be a large novelty check.

"Happy birthday, Jake."

I should've just bought him a gift card.

Megan? Megan, are you in here?

Well, well, well.

Look who's finally awake.

I've been sitting on the toilet for hours.

My legs are as asleep as you were.

What did you do, Jake?

Jake isn't here anymore.

I'm Evil Jake.

Can't you tell from my super-cool eyepatch?

I've been bumpin' into things, but it brings the right vibe.

You're evil?

Oh, I'm bad, baby.

Which is why I used your toilet without flushing.

The laws of polite society mean nothing to me.

What did you do with Megan?

I'll never tell.

Let's just say, wherever she is,

she has all the time in the world.

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

The Dusty Tush Clock Tower?

Aw, man. I can't believe you guessed it.

I hit "time" too hard, didn't I?

Just give me a head start to set up my evil lair.

It's not company-ready.

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

[SIGHS]

Wait, uh, why am I listenin' to him?

Megan, I'm comin' to save you. Oh...

[TOILET FLUSHING]

Megan, I'm comin' to save you!

[SIGHS]

Pull it together, Baker. You're seeing things.

None of this is real.

[COUGHS AND GAGS]

I do not remember eating that.

CLOWN: Finally, you're doing something you're good at.

What do you want from me?

I just want you to stop pretending, Destiny.

Accept yourself for the seltzer-spraying,

rainbow wig-wearing, red-nosed joke you truly are.

Also, ever heard of mildew remover?

[SCREAMS]

Megan!

Megan, where are you?

Right here. Seriously? It's a very small room.

Not so fast!

Jake? Where'd you come from?

The shadows.

That corner.

Why is this necessary?

I'm helping you.

Deep down, you know you'll eventually lose Megan.

This relationship is a ticking clock.

It's about to strike midnight on your happiness.

Time is not on your side.

I get the metaphor, man!

What's he talking about?

Tell her, Noah.

Tell Megan how you're afraid of losing her.

But do it fast, there's a tour coming up

from the gift shop downstairs in three minutes.

Is that true?

Well, you know, the tours probably do start every half hour...

You know what I mean.

Okay, uh,

maybe I'm just a tiny bit afraid of losing you.

Fine, I wrote a one-man show called Megan, Don't Go.

But you do go, in the first act.

The other four acts, I just cry.

It lacked a satisfying emotional resolution.

But why are you afraid of that?

[SIGHS] It's just...

It was really hard being apart from you during the school year.

I'm afraid that one of these summers

I'll find out that you've moved on.

Noah, I had no idea.

Well, no need to worry anymore.

We're gonna skip to the part where Megan leaves you,

so you can get on with your life.

What do you mean by that?

I mean, she's on top of a trap door,

and when I pull this lever...

she'll drop ten stories into the snow globe display in the gift shop.

Noah, don't let this go down in a gift shop.

[SOBBING] You know how I hate tchotchkes.

Time's up.

[BOTH SCREAM]

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

Wait! Can I tell Noah something?

Fine, but only because I have to warm up my lever-pulling arm.

Last time I did this, I strained an evil bicep.

First, keep that one-man show on the shelf.

I'm assuming there's a puppet Megan, and I'm not down with that.

That's fair. And there was.

And second, I just wish you would've talked to me about your fears.

I could've told you how happy you make me,

and that I'm not going anywhere.

Aw, that's really sweet.

Time to eat tchotchkes.

Uh, stop. I have to show you somethin'.

I feel like I'm missing some context.

[PANTING] Nope, I'm just stalling

till the clock strikes the hour.

[BELL TOLLS]

[SCREAMS]

[BELL CONTINUES TOLLING]

[JAKE SCREAMING]

[GRUNTS] Let's get outta here.

You can't escape!

Aw, come on!

[GASPS] A-ha! I found another...

Wi-Fi router?

Guess I'll have to take "working Internet" off the camp website.

Once I can access the camp website.

[LAUGHTER]

Where's that laughter coming from?

And why wasn't it here during my stand-up set last Tuesday?

[LAUGHTER]

Lou, I warned you to stop asking questions.

No. I wanna know what's going on and I want it to stop.

Fine.

The cameras, the props, the laughter

are all because this is a TV show

about you running a comedically dysfunctional summer camp.

I'm on a TV show?

You were on a TV show.

Now that you know about it, it's been canceled.

Well, good. I don't want my life broadcast for the world to see anyway.

Wait, did they get me spray-painting the green bean pencils?

You saw nothing!

Whoa! Hands off the property, people in hoodies. Just take the cameras.

You don't get it. The show's over.

They're gonna take the whole set.

This isn't a set, this is a ranch.

[GASPS] The wishing well wasn't real?

How did Jake keep getting stuck in it?

None of this was real.

You don't have a ranch.

You were never a camp owner.

But this place means everything to me.

STUDIO AUDIENCE: Aw!

Okay, seriously, who is that?

No! Bill, Winnie,

help me make it stop!

This can't be true!

My name's not Winnie. It's Shiloh.

And I'm Alfred. We're actors.

Make sure to keep us in mind during award season.

Come on. Let's go, Alfred. Bye, Miranda.

Who's Miranda?

Oh, come back. I didn't want this. I love Kikiwaka.

[STUDIO AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

Oh, you stay out of it!

What do you want, clown? Why are you following me?

CLOWN: You really wanna know who I am?

You know what? I'm good.

Does anyone really know anyone?

Hi, friend.

It can't be. You're me. You're clown me.

You can never escape your past, Destiny.

No matter what you achieve, you'll always be a clown.

You know it's the truth. Just look at yourself.

[SCREAMS]

Parker, help!

No need to yell. Just turn around.

Met your clown friend. Not a fan.

Also, you know, like, at the beach,

how sand gets everywhere? Same for cotton candy.

Come with me, Destiny.

Let's ride off into the sunset in a very small car.

Don't listen to her.

You may have been a clown once,

but you've grown into someone

capable of juggling so much more than just pies.

You're right.

I conquered the pageant world.

I became an amazing counselor.

And I started a thriving restaurant.

You're a clown and you always will be!

I'm not a clown!

All right, sounds like you're working through some personal issues.

And, hey, Parker. That stuff gets everywhere, doesn't it?

What happened to Clown Destiny?

No clue. But we're running from an evil Jake.

Noah, Megan, Destiny, Parker,

whatever your real names are, please don't leave me.

I'll do anything to keep this camp show going.

More stunt casting, multiple episode arcs,

we could even do a season in Hawaii.

Lou, why is everything glitching?

[CLANGING]

What was that?

Guys, help!

Don't trust him. He sat on the toilet

for two hours and didn't flush.

I've been trapped in the pantry this whole time.

You were probably dealing with an NPC that looked like me.

Wait, "NPC" like a non-player character in a video game?

Not just a game.

We're currently in a cutting-edge VR simulation

that forces people to face their greatest fears.

It is not popular.

Wait, so when Winnie and Bill told me

that my life as a camp owner

wasn't real, that wasn't really... real?

I guess this explains the other Noah on the tape.

Right! In addition to losing you,

my greatest fear is becoming a straight-to-video actor.

And I'm afraid of pantries.

Jake, how do we get out of the game?

EVIL JAKE: You don't.

[ALL SCREAM]

You can't leave yet. There's so much more to be afraid of.

[ALL SCREAM]

Everyone, power off!

[ALL EXHALE]

What a horrible game.

But you have to admit, the real-time rendering was pretty smooth.

Yeah, the evil you that girlfriend-napped Megan was so life-like.

Oh, and I will be billing you for therapy related to this incident.

Okay, was I dealing with Winnie and Bill NPCs

or were you two messing with me by pretendin' to be actors?

What are you talking about? We were busy facing our own greatest fear.

We had to watch Noah do a one-man show

about losing Megan where he cried for most of it.

It completely lacked an emotional resolution.

Oh, no! Parker didn't come out of the simulation!

Oh, no, it's cool. I'm fine. I'm just eatin' my way

out of this cotton candy cocoon

with Tape Noah and the gang. [CHUCKLES]

Hey, do any of you have a game

where I get trapped inside a funnel cake?

Guys?

Man, it really does disappear in your mouth.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

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