Original subtitles

Hey, The Marshal. What brings you to our ranch?

Just doing a little light trespassing?

Hey, I used to own this ranch.

I can come back here whenever I want.

For the record, I also retained outhouse rights.

I'm just puttin' up some flyers

because the town is lookin' for a new mayor.

Yeah, R.I.P, Mayor Smith.

If you're gonna play checkers against a grizzly bear,

always let him win.

Wait. Why aren't you runnin' for mayor?

Well, I hate to admit this knowin' how y'all see me

as a highly respected pillar of the community.

You're still talkin' to us, right?

But decades ago, when I was the mayor,

well, the town entrusted me with the key to the city.

I wanted to keep it safe,

so I hid it in a very special place.

Where?

No idea. That's why I'm tellin' this story.

You think I spew exposition just for giggles?

Anyway, the town was pretty miffed that I lost the key,

and barred me from ever bein' mayor again.

Well, then I should be mayor!

I've got some next-level ideas

that could totally fix this town.

What do you mean fix?

How many other towns have a Grizzly Bear Checkers Club?

A number that is shrinking by the day.

There's a lot this town needs.

I mean, you can only get medical care half the time

because the town doctor's also the plumber.

It's not ideal, but it's super cute

when he puts those little bandages on the pipes.

So how do I run?

It's just like walking but faster.

That's on me. Should've been more specific.

No one runs for mayor.

Whoever wants the job just shows up on Main Street at noon,

has to be the first one to yell, "Dibs!"

Great! I'll be there.

Oh, "run". Man, words are crazy.

ALL: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

I'm super excited to be in your play, Noah.

But why are the script pages red?

Because red paper can't be photocopied.

This play's got lots of twists and turns,

and I don't want any spoilers getting out.

According to my grandma,

I'm the next M. Night Shyamalan's

less-talented cousin.

Man, I love your savage grandma.

I also deleted the original file

so hackers can't get to it.

It's much safer this way

since my computer password is "password."

Aw, man. Now I'm gonna have to change it to "password one."

[BLEATS]

[CHUCKLES] Ha! I know.

He probably doesn't even two-factor authenticate.

Uh, Scout?

Does Nibbles have to be here? I don't trust him.

And that's coming from a very untrustworthy person.

[SIGHS] He's trying to be better about not eating people.

And Nibbles loves theater.

I know, he's a demonic, man-eating goat.

But art can change people.

The other day, he chewed through the zip line.

And there was a kid on it.

He didn't know that.

[BLEATS]

Okay, he knew that.

Uh, Noah?

I don't think I can do this part you assigned me.

Of course, you can!

You're perfect for the ingenue lead

in my latest opus, The Spy Who Loved to Spy.

But my character has to cry at the end of the play.

I can't cry on command. Everyone's gonna laugh at me.

No one will laugh at you.

[CRIES STRANGELY]

[LAUGHING] Okay. You may have a point.

But as a master thespian,

I can teach you how to cry on cue.

And if I can't, no worries.

It's just a workshop piece. No one will see it, anyways.

Actually, Lou invited the whole town to come see your play.

The whole town?

Man, your savage grandma's gonna tear you apart.

Uh... You know what? Uh, let's take lunch, people.

And turn in your scripts.

I'm keeping them safe between rehearsals.

The press would kill to get their hands on this masterpiece.

[BLEATS]

Really? I think it's a healthy level of self-esteem.

Destiny! You'll never guess what I found in the outhouse!

Oh, I think I can.

No, you don't understand! It came from the Buttocks, and I took a picture!

Oh! What is wrong with you?

Look! It's a riddle carved on the wall.

I think it's another clue.

Maybe the Buttock Brothers hid more treasure?

No way. I'm not doing this again.

We spent all last summer searching for treasure,

only to find out it was cursed,

and we had to return everything we bought with it.

Oh, please just look at the clue.

I really think this is another nugget straight from the Buttocks.

Okay. From now on, let's agree

to only refer to them as the Buttock Brothers.

Destiny, who knows, this treasure might not be cursed.

There's gold out there. I can feel it.

Plus, remember all the fun we had last summer?

Ah. I remember it fondly.

Getting trapped in a safe,

getting attacked by Nibbles,

waiting for an alpaca to drop a deuce.

Magical times.

It's okay if you don't think you can figure out the clue.

I never said I couldn't.Then prove it.

Darn you for appealing to my insatiable competitive spirit. I'm in!

Yes! Okay, here's the clue.

"If you want the gold that unlocks it right,

"find 88 that are black and white."

What does "unlocks it right" mean?

Unlocks... Locks... Locks need keys...

Wait! That's it. Keys!

A piano has 88 black and white keys!

Ha! I did it, I'm great. Tell everyone!

[GRUNTS AND GASPS]

There's words on it. It's another clue! There is a treasure!

Let's go find some gold!

Wait, before we do this,

shouldn't we tell Lou? It is her camp.

Right.

Hey, Lou. Guess what?

We may have found a lead

on some new not-cursed treasure.

Uh-huh? Okay. Got it.

What did she say?

She said, "If it exists, you two find it,

"spend some of it, and if you don't die, give me a cut."

That woman is management goals.

Jake, I need your opinion.

Does this outfit scream "Benevolent Overlord?"

For me, it screams, "Guy Who Doesn't Know Where He Is."

I just need the right clothes for when I yell "dibs" and become elected mayor.

I have so many great ideas to help the town.

Oh, cool.

I have some great ideas too.

Like, the new town currency should be pizza toppings.

"How much for this pair of socks, sir?"

"That will be 3.5 mushrooms, please."

No offense, Jake, but, uh, I'll take care of the ideas.

You're right. I was way off.

Socks would only cost a couple of bell peppers.

Being mayor is serious business.

Hence, the top hat. And the air of superiority.

And you think my ideas are silly?

No! I'm just saying there's a reason

I'm the one wearing the pretentious monocle.

Yeah, this is really damaging my eyesight.

Hey, Winnie. Ready for your crying lessons?

I actually think I figured it out.

I skipped lunch to practice.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CRIES STRANGELY]

How was that?

It was sad, I'll give you that.

Uh, little tip, whenever I need to cry for a scene,

I pluck a nose hair right before the camera starts.

The pain makes my eyes water.

Aw, that's cute. You think I can feel pain.

Okay. Nibbles and me are ready for rehearsal.

[BLEATS]

Fine. Nibbles and I.

You could let a few go, you know.

Scout, can you please grab the scripts from Coyote Cabin?

Sure. Hold my goat.

Okay, I have another idea.

Let's try making you sad.

It's July Fourth.

How is that sad?

It's the explodiest day of the year!

Because you don't have any fireworks!

Uh-oh.

What? Because I already blew them up, right?

Tell me I already blew them up, Noah!

I wish I could, but the truth is

they were confiscated!

No! By who?

Okay, now I'm getting emotional!

I will have my revenge! [SOBS]

Oh, no. Revenge makes me happy. I lost it.

[PANTING] Guys.

Someone destroyed all of Noah's scripts!

Also, it smells like a big armpit in there, but I think that's unrelated.

My scripts?

It's okay, you can make more.

No, I can't! I deleted the original file from my laptop!

I've been undone by my own security measures!

[CRIES BADLY] No, still can't do it.

Let's get this show on the road.

Noon is my water aerobics time,

and I gotta get there early.

It takes me a long time to get in the pool.

I'm a delicate flower about cold water.

So who wants to be our new mayor?

BOTH: Dibs!

Bro, what are you doing? You know I wanna be mayor.

And so do I. It's on my bucket list,

right under finally finding a Waldo.

Ooh! Drama!

Finally, some tea to spill at water aerobics.

I can't believe someone destroyed all of my scripts!

I hand-painted every one of those pages!

You know they make red paper, right?

Does it look like I'm in the mood for notes?

Wait a minute!

Are these teeth marks?

It appears the scripts have been Nibbled!

[GASPS] No way! It couldn't have been Nibbles.

He doesn't even like paper!

[BLEATS]

I know you like paper, but you might wanna bleat the fifth on this one!

I think I can speak for everyone

when I say Nibbles has been a problem ever since he showed up.

[BLEATS]

He says you can't end a sentence with a preposition.

I said I'm not in the mood for notes!

What is this, dinner with Grandma?

Well, I know he's innocent. I'm going to clear Nibbles' good name!

Come on, buddy. I'm gonna get you a treat to make you feel better.

[BLEATS]

No, you can't have a camper. Read the room!

Okay. These clues have taken us all over the ranch.

We must be getting close. I can almost feel the crown on my head.

It'll be my 39th one but who's counting? Me.

Here's the latest clue.

"Finding what you desire should not be a battle.

"You'll find the next clue

"where you get off your saddle."

Ooh. I know, I know.

[GASPS] The hitching post!

Oh, I was gonna say, "inside a horse." But let's go with your thing.

This is where cowboys would tie their horses.

Oh! I think there's something carved in the wood.

[GASPS] There is!

"For the final clue, 'X' marks the spot.

"What you seek hides where it always gets hot."

Maybe the lava tubes where the Pee-Wee-Wakas play hide-and-seek,

which we should definitely tell someone about, but we're doin' our own thing?

No, I bet it's in the boiler room!

But wouldn't the boiler room have been built after the Buttock Brothers?

These clues are nearly 100 years old.

Yeah. So is the boiler. And according to Jake,

it would cost 6,000 pepperonis to buy a new one.

Huh?

All right, since these two both said "dibs" at the same time,

we're gonna have a bona fide election.

According to the town bylaws, the candidates will say stuff.

Then y'all choose who you like,

and drop your ballot in this box.

Huh. Thought it'd be weirder.

Then kick your choice in the shin.

Ah, there it is.

Do we have to do that part?

What, the ballots?

I suppose we can just do the shin-kickings,

but I like to have a paper record.

People of Dusty Tush, as mayor of this fine town,

I will replace our slow Pony Express

with actual, and much faster mail trucks.

And put poor Pony Danza out of a job?

You know how he spirals when he has too much free time!

For my first act as mayor, I would make it illegal

to eat a peanut butter sandwich without jelly.

[CROWD MURMURS IN AGREEMENT]He's right!

Without the jelly, it's just too dry!

I don't trust a sandwich that doesn't jiggle a little.

His platform is just moist sandwiches!

What, how is this happening?

I also think we should get rid of all handkerchiefs!

They're gross. You sneeze into them,

then put them back in your pocket!

I don't really know what sanitary means, but I know it's not that!

He's right. These things are just glorified booger towels!

Vote for me, and you can kick me in the shin!

Now you're just panderin'.

Wow, it's hot in here.

Just roll up your sleeves.

In front of a lady? What am I, delivering a calf?

Let's spread out and look for the treasure.

The clue said, "X marks the spot."

What am I doing? This is just a glorified booger towel.

Are you sweating as much as I am?

First of all, it's called glistening.

And yes, right now I'm glistening like a hog.

We should open the door.

Uh-oh.

What uh-oh? No uh-oh's! It's too hot for uh-oh's!

I think you can only open this from the outside.

We're trapped!

Okay, now I'm sweating.

Nibbles and I would like to thank everyone for coming today.

[BLEATS]

Yeah. Everyone except Dylan.

I personally interrogated every animal in the barn,

and they confirmed that Nibbles was with them

all through lunch when the scripts were destroyed.

This proves Nibbles is innocent.

Wow. You're good.

Do you ever take on "impersonating an officer of the court" cases?

Asking for a friend.

Whoever destroyed Noah's script

had to get into Coyote Cabin without being seen.

And everyone was together during lunch.

Except for one person.

The same person who's been trying

to get out of doing this play all day.

Oh, man. Just like me.

Wait.

Winnie Weber, where were you at lunch?

Down by the lake, avoiding the weasel chili!

Where we all should've been.

I didn't do it. You have to believe me!

You all believe me, don't you?

We get it, you love your new magic marker, Dylan!

Scout, are you sure it was Winnie?

The question you should be asking

is why does she have a piece of red paper

sticking out of her sleeve?

[BLEATS]

He says, "J'accuse!"

A flurry of votes came in

after Parker pitched his idea

of installing indoor plumbing in Town Hall.

Which is gonna save a ton of money on buckets.

Anyways, the results are...

It's a tie!

Maybe you guys didn't understand.

Moist sandwiches.

This is all new territory for us Tushians.

We'll need to consult the city bylaws again.

Okay. Let's see here.

Ah. "Fines for Speedin' in a Covered Wagon"

"What To Do When Your Neighbor Is A Witch" "Leech Rights."

Why do I wanna be mayor of this town again?

Ah-ha! "Election Ties!"

Well, according to this,

Parker and Jake are gonna need to search

for the official mayor's badge.

Whoever finds it first, gets to be mayor.

Ooh, like a scavenger hunt.

Close. Uh, we're gonna bury it in hog slop,

and the two of you are gonna root around for it.

How is that close?

It's not!

Help! Somebody help us!

[BOTH SIGH]

I can't believe we're going to die in a boiler room!

Me neither! I mean, it's slightly more believable

than a bank vault hidden in a video store, but still!

Hey, Destiny, take a look at this handwheel.

It's not connected to any pipe.

And the middle of it looks like...

BOTH: An "X!"

[GASPS]

[GRUNTS]

[EXCLAIMS]

We did it! We found the treasure!

Fantastic! Which means the person finding our corpses

is going to have so much money.

It's, uh, it's definitely getting warmer in here.

[SIGHS] It's this stupid thing.

How come it can heat this room

but I'm still taking icy-cold showers?

[THUMPS][HISSES]

You made it angry!

Well, what do you want from me?

I'm a cowboy, not a doctor-plumber!

BOTH: Help!

[LOU GASPS]Lou, thank goodness!

I knew it! When I hadn't heard from you two in a while,

I started to wonder if you'd found the treasure and decided to cut me out.

No, we just found it! I wouldn't lie to you.

Then why are you glistening like a guilty hog?

We're in a boiler room.

Valid point, sustained.

[RUMBLES]

Okay, exiting the basement of death now!

Huh. Maybe that thing's the reason

I'm still taking icy-cold showers.

[RUMBLES]

Okay, everyone. I just finished a thorough interrogation of Winnie.

She's tiny, but terrifying.

The evidence is overwhelming.

Winnie Weber is guilty!

[GASPS] No matter how many times you hear it, you never get used to it.

Time for your punishment.

Punishment? Uh, you mean, the usual

Winnie slap-on-the-wrist of limited chainsaw time?

No. For destroying your masterpiece,

her punishment is much worse.

How would you like it if we destroyed all of your fireworks?

Setting off that many fireworks at once?

I'd love it!

But I'm not sure I'm ready to peak this young.

Not so fast!

We're going to destroy your fireworks

by dumping water on them!

No! My babies!

They'll never get to see July!

Please! Please don't.

Are you crying?

Yes! They have a lifetime of destruction ahead of them they'll never get to see!

Finish them!No!

Stop! I can't take it.

Winnie is innocent!

I ripped up my own play.

[ALL EXCLAIM]

[BLEATS]

She says, "What?"

When Lou said the whole town was gonna see my play,

I got really scared.

I didn't wanna disappoint anyone.

So, you tore up the scripts and framed Nibbles?

I needed a scapegoat. Emphasis on "goat."

Save it for the script, Noah.

But there were actual teeth marks on the scripts.

When I commit, I commit!

Winnie, I am so sorry.

Can you forgive me?

[SIGHS]

And the student becomes the master.

Wait, those were fake tears?

You were just acting the whole time?

When I was interrogating Winnie,

I realized the paper in her sleeve

was just from her fireworks.

So, I came up with a plan.

To get someone to confess,

I cried using the motivation technique you taught me.

But this time, I put all the thoughts of revenge out of my mind.

Which is really hard. I think about revenge a lot.

Wow, I am an amazing teacher.

I gotta charge more for my trainin' videos.

I'm sorry that all the scripts are gone.

But now that I know how to cry,

I'd love to do your play.

You would?

Yeah. The Spy Who Loved to Spy was really good.

Well, except the title.

Thanks, guys. Well, luckily,

I kept a backup file of the play on my thumb drive.

I could never completely

deprive this world of my genius.

Wait. Where's my genius?

[BLEATS]

So, that he ate.

Yes, I started a sentence with a conjunction. Just let me live!

Ladies and Gentlemen!

We will now determine which of these two

esteemed, distinguished candidates

will be the next leader of our town.

Well, well, well.

Look who's makin' this work.

Jake, if you just concede now,

we won't have to go through with this.

Then my parents might finally write something nice about me

in the family newsletter.

I just wanna be taken seriously! Oink, oink!

Now you know how it feels!

What? What does that mean?

Time to pick our mayor.

Piggies, take your places, and find that mayor's badge!

[CHUCKLES] Ready, set, soo-ie!

Ugh, this is almost as bad as the weasel chili.

Ugh.

Oh look, an ear of corn.

Maybe this will listen to me!

Jake, what are you talking about?

You didn't listen to my ideas earlier.

Adults never listen to my ideas.

Ooh. The slop and the relationships are getting messy.

Did you run just to prove a point?

Yes. And now I'm gonna be mayor,

and the entire town is gonna listen

to what this little piggy has to say! Oink, oink, ha!

You're right, Jake. I'm sorry.

I hate when my parents don't listen to me,

and so I promise from now on, I'll listen to you.

Thanks, Parker. That's all I really wanted.

And it's clear you have your finger on the pulse

of what the average Tushian wants.

So, if you find the badge, you'll make a great mayor.

That's really nice to hear.

But you know who would make the best mayor?

You.

The badge! When did you find it?

Just now. Right under what I hope is a hotdog but think is a finger.

Thanks, Jake.

I'm the mayor, everybody! I got the badge![ALL CHEERING]

Aw, man. I was rootin' for the little one.

Ah! And there's a finger on it![GASPS]

Oh. Just mine. Phew!

This is a much smaller box than I was hopin' for.

I may not be able to afford that 40-foot yacht I've had my eye on.

"The Deep Lou Sea."

No. "The Dock-hauser."

Yes. That feels right.

A key?

If that's the metaphorical key to someone's heart, I'm gonna lose it.

Hey, that's the key to the city!

Where'd you find it?

It was hidden in the boiler room

at the end of a long series of clues.

Oh, right! That's how I hide important things so no one can find them.

You hide your valuables at the end of very elaborate treasure hunts?

Of course. That way they're safe.

I'm pretty sure my birth certificate is buried on a beach in the Philippines.

Hey. Now that I've got the key back, I can be mayor!

Not so fast. I'm the mayor of Dusty Tush now.

I'm sorry, what?

You're the mayor?

Sure am.

In that case, you're gonna do something about handkerchiefs, right?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0