Original subtitles

There it is. The pioneer homestead I was telling you guys about.

You know, it never ceases to amaze me how the things

in Dusty Tush can be so, dusty.

Hey, it could be worse.

Things could be tushy.

Hey, I'm not all Frasier and French farces,

I can go lowbrow, too.

Ooh, a big wheel.

I'm definitely gonna climb on that.

[CHUCKLES] One, no. Two, also, no.

Does anyone live here?

No, Jake. I told you, this place has been abandoned

since the 1800.

Barb Barca?

BOTH: What are you doing here?

I could ask you the same question.

But I just asked you that question. I can't believe this.

ALL: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

Barb's back.

I should have known.

Your rivals always return.

Your rival is a pioneer woman in Wyoming?

I'd say that's weird,

but mine's a jacked librarian in Oregon, so.

She's not a pioneer woman.

She's the super-competitive

director of Camp Champion back in Maine

who tried to shut down my camp at every turn.

This is what we trained for. Stay frosty.

I brewed you sweet tea.

Uh, sorry it took a while,

but I had to add

the "made with love" tags

to the teabags. [CHUCKLES]

You know, making things with your hands

may take a lot longer,

but on the plus side, it's a real inconvenience.

[CHUCKLES] Sugar?

Barb, what a surprise to see you.

What brings you so suspiciously

and alarmingly close to my new camp?

[CHUCKLES] A lucky coincidence.

This homestead's been in my family for generations.

My great-great-grandfather speed walked the Oregon Trail.

He died of dysentery,

but he kept his heels firmly on the ground while he did it.

[CHUCKLES]

Scone, anyone?

Wow, you are really different

from how Lou always described you.

Yeah, Lou once said,

"She is an awful, terrible person,

"and I would rather eat dirt than talk to her."

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] You can remember that,

yet I've seen you forget the words to Happy Birthday?

So, Barb, why'd you leave Camp Champion?

To be honest, I got fired

for getting silver in a speed walking race.

It turns out parents don't want to send their kids

to a sports camp to be trained by second-place losers. [CHUCKLES]

But it's okay.

I thatch my own roof now.

Life does mean something. [CHUCKLES]

Sorry you got fired,

but isn't moving to Dusty Tush

to become a pioneer woman a little drastic, Barb?

Actually I go by Barbara now.

I'm a changed woman, and loving it.

I'm so happy. [LAUGHS]

[CRIES] So happy.

Now that we're all caught up,

do you mind if I take a spin on your giant hamster wheel?

Okay, great, thanks, bye.

Uh-oh.

Here it comes.

The wrath of Barb.

[CHUCKLES] It's fine.

I'll just mop it up with my old Camp Champion shirts.

Most of them are in tatters now, anyway.

Like my life! Oh, [CHUCKLES] did I say that out loud?

Sorry. More tea, anyone? I'm doing great!

Yeah, I don't think she's doing great.

Noah, I have a great idea.

I'm going to make a commercial

for the Dusty Diner, and I need your help.

In that case, please channel

all your acting requests through my agent.

And if he returns your call,

let me know how you got him to do that?

Actually, I'm going to act in it.

I learned a lot about slipping into character

when I won Little Miss Undercover Cop.

Well, technically "Francesca Rigatoni" won,

but same thing. [CHUCKLES]

I thought you could direct.

Really?

Oh, man, I've always wanted to be in charge.

Uh, usually on set everyone's telling me what to do.

"Stand over here,"

"Please say this line,"

"Please stop speaking, you're playing a corpse."

Anyway, I think it'll be great.

I loved working with you as a counselor

and now we can work together as creatives. [CHUCKLES]

Wow, look at me.

Puppetry, acting, and now directing?

Oh, my agent is gonna be so pumped when he hears this voicemail.

Ugh, Parker, look at this nonsense.

"You can lead a horse to water."

Eh, seems legit.

But admittedly, I once thought

bridles had something to do with horse marriages.

This brand of beans prints so-called cowboy wisdom on the bottom of every can,

but real cowboy wisdom was crafted over 100 years of riding horses on the trail.

When my family took road trips,

we would pass the time

by ordering food from the flight attendant. [CHUCKLES]

Our road trips were on a private jet.

Roads, gross.

The world needs cowboy wisdom.

Yesterday, it helped Paul and Stacy after their break up.

They broke up?

But they carved "Paul and Stacy Forever" into the picnic table.

Back in my day, that meant something.

Don't worry, Parker.

I told them, "You can't spell giddy-up

"without U and I,"

and they agreed to give it another go.

[SIGHS IN RELIEF] As the guy who organized

the kickball game where they first met,

I was, like, super invested.

I'm impressed, Bill.

What can I say? It's a cowboy thing.

We're practical, down-to-earth, and delightfully folksy.

You oughta share some of this wisdom with the camp.

Hmm. Well, I do like giving advice to yahoos.

Great, then I can help you get started.

Like you cowboys say, "Always hitch your horse

"to that thing you hitch horses to."

Why don't you leave the cowboyisms to me?

[CHUCKLES] "You can't make a milk mustache

"without squeezing a few udders." All right, I'll stop.

All right, everyone,

let's get the first shot in the can.

We're burning daylight here.

Burning daylight? Noah, it's 10:00 a.m.

I'm sorry.

Did I just hear an opinion from an actor?

Excuse me?Uh, yeah, excused. [CHUCKLES]

Places, people!

Oh, and don't forget your co-star.

And...

Action!

At the Dusty Diner, we "carrot" about you so "lettuce"...

Cut!

What's the matter? That felt great.

And sometimes feelings lie to us, Destiny.

Okay, any suggestions

for what I should do differently?

Great question.

Let's start with everything

and then we'll dial it back from there.

Places!

And can I get a bigger megaphone?

That was the same Barb

you told us all those stories about?

I always thought she'd be less, well,

I don't wanna say pathetic, so, can someone else?

She used to be different.

The old Barb would have made

Winnie clean up that tea with her tongue.

And the tea would have been a protein shake.

She always called tea "failed coffee."

People change, Lou.

In one of my past lives, I was a bear.

Now I hate honey.

Right.

But Barbara is a shell of her former self.

Getting fired from Camp Champion

clearly destroyed her confidence.

I think it's up to us to go back up there

and remind her who she really is,

the woman who wrote the self-help book,

Barb to the Bone, Diary of a Future Dictator.

And when we do, I'm gonna ride that water wheel.

No water wheel!Had to try!

Everyone, step right up and get some sage wisdom

from a genuine cowboy for only five dollars.

Parker,

we charging money for this?

No.

We're charging tax-deductible donations for this.

Trust me, bro, I once applied to business school.

I'm not sure I'm comfortable

making people pay for my advice, Parker.

Therapists do it all the time.

What's the difference between you and them?

Hmm, 3,000 hours of supervised professional experience?

No, that can't be it.

Come on, all these campers need your advice.

And let's be honest, your parents didn't name you Bill

because you give things away for free. [MIMICS EXPLOSION]

Well, I guess since they're all here.

That's the spirit!

All right,

the cowboy is in. Who's up first?

Hi, Bill. I'm Tristan.

What's chafing your chaps, Tristan?

Two weeks ago, I lost my title

as camp tetherball champion.

I've been really down about it.

Aw, I'm sorry about that.

But like cowboys say, "Sometimes you get, sometimes you get got."

Whoa, you're so right, Bill.

Life is all about the give-and-take.

And soon, the metaphorical tetherball of life

will swing back my way.

Man, I could bask in your genius all day...

And you're out of time. Next!

I gotta admit, it felt pretty good to help people.

Sure does. Sorry, we can't break a twenty.

Four pieces of wisdom for this one, Bill.

Now, would you like a receipt for your taxes?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, look, you kids are back.

For an unannounced visit.

In unrelated news, Barbara's going to look into building a moat.

Okay, Operation Bring Back Barb.

Do your thing.

Hi, I'm Jake.

I'm a free-spirited former bear

who takes life as it goes.

Do less of your thing.

Whoa, am I tired.

I think I'll take a nap instead of doing camp activities.

Now where shall I lay my floppy hair?

This bench looks comfy.

That's where I deworm pigs.

This patch of dirt looks comfy.

Mmm, that Jake is such an unmotivated camper.

Too bad he doesn't have anyone

to push him towards his full potential using... [GASPS]

A whistle! The universal symbol of law and order.

Ooh!

Oh, well let him do what he wants.

He's such a peaceful angel. [CHUCKLES]

And that's something that pleases me now. [CHUCKLES]

Well, if we're all doing what we want,

mind if I ride the water wheel?

Go ahead.

Who am I to stand in the way of a girl and her bliss?

Really?Nope.

But my bliss!

Hello, Barbara. I accidently ordered this tracksuit online

and I thought you might wanna wear it

since you used to like tracksuits, so much.

You accidentally ordered a tracksuit that says, "Barca's number one."

[GASPS] Well, would you look at that?

That's the last time Mama goes online shopping

after getting her eyes dilated, eh?

[CHUCKLES] Anyway, try it on.

Okay, Lou, I get what you're doing.

Tracksuits, whistles, authority.

That's all old Barb. This is my new life.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go milk a goat.

[CHUCKLES] Fun, not gross.

At the Dusty Diner we "carrot" about you...

Cut!

[SIGHS] Even though you're saying

you're at the Dusty Diner,

I'm not believing you're at the Dusty Diner.

I'm literally standing in front of the Dusty Diner!

[SIGHS]

Destiny, Destiny, Destiny.

[CHUCKLES]

The art of acting is to not act, you know?

I just want you to be for me, Destiny.

Can you be?

I currently wish to be anywhere else. [CHUCKLES]

Yes! Wonderful motivation!

Use it!

Okay, people, we're going again.

And probably again after that.

It's really up to Destiny

if you wanna see your families tonight. [CHUCKLES]

At the Dusty Diner, we "carrot" about yo...

NOAH: Cut!

♪ At the Dusty Diner

♪ We carrot about you... ♪

NOAH: Cut!

At the Dusty Diner, we... [PANTING] Line?

Cut! Why do we even rehearse?

At the Dusty Diner, we [PANTING] carrot about...

Cut, cut, cut, cut!

What happened to your instrument?

[WHISPERING] You made me do this so many times,

I can barely speak! I'm so mad at you!

Okay, I... I can't really hear what you're saying,

but finally, some energy.

[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

Wow.

Well, I heard that and now I guess the set needs a swear jar.

Seriously, I didn't even know some of those words.

What is going on?

A sold-out show, that's what.

The booth went so well that everyone at camp

is buzzing about how amazing you are.

So, I figured I'd take you on tour.

[READING SIGN]

[CHUCKLES] Uh, that's not a thank you face.

Parker, I never agreed to do a big show.

I just wanted to help people.

And you will. This is the same as the booth,

only you'll be talking to a bunch of people at once,

signing endless autographs, and wearing...

This!

You can't be serious.

I know what you're thinking, don't worry.

I got you an all-blue version for after Labor Day.

Bill. Bill, over here.

Hey, Tristan.

You remember my name? This is amazing.

I'm your biggest Bill-iever.

It's what us fans call ourselves.

But don't be fooled by the cute name.

We are intense.

All right, Tristan, you know the deal.

If you want a private chat with Bill,

you gotta spring for the VIP package.

I know, I know.

Don't worry, Bill. I got a couple of loose molars,

and once that Tooth Fairy visits

you won't be able to get rid of me.

See you tonight.

Parker, I don't wanna do this anymore.

Just refund everyone.

I can't. I already spent all the money.

On the merch, your suit,

our diamond scooters.Diamond scooters?

Okay, they're cubic zirconia scooters.

But you can only tell in a certain light.

Bill, I thought we were on the same page.

I'm sorry.

This is too much.

I'm out.

Okay, that's fine.

I'll find my own cowboyisms.

What are you gonna do?

Study the rugged ways of the cowboy

and come up with 100 years of wise sayings by yourself?

I don't have to. I have beans!

[SIGHS] Oh, I have so many beans.

You could have just poured them out instead of eating them all.

Oh, ho, ho, now we're giving advice again?

Okay, gang, we've been going about this all wrong.

The only thing Barb loved more

than ruling her camp with an iron fist was winning.

If we give her a win and boost her confidence, maybe we can get her back.

Oh, it's you again.

Really gotta get on that moat.

Is there an alligator store nearby?

Hey, wanna take a break from pioneering for a sec?

Oh, unfortunately not.

I'm pretty booked up with my needlepoint right now.

"Giving up is easier than you think."

Okay, that's enough crafts for you.

We really wanted to play some tug-of-war, but we're one person short.

Don't you live at a summer camp full of people?

Just play and I'll give you the name of my alligator guy.

Two kids versus two adults?

I don't like our chances.

Dude, we're supposed to lose.

Oh, then I like our chances very much.

Okay, everybody.

One, two, three. Go.

Hard pass.[GRUNTS]

[THUDS]

A slap-sticky pratfall? She's using lowbrow against us.

Barb, you used to be the most competitive person I knew.

How could you just give up like that?

Because if I don't try, I can't lose.

Losing's not that big of a deal, Barb.

Barb is gone. There's only Barbara.

And she has butter to churn.

So if you'll excuse me,

my afternoon activity is curdling.

Hey, Destiny. Can I talk to you for a minute?

[HOARSELY] At least you can talk.

I sound like I have a terrible secret.

I'm sorry, Destiny.

I... I got so excited about finally getting to be in charge

that I forgot what it was like

to be on the other side of the camera.

I got carried away and turned our fun day together into...

[HOARSELY] A seminar on artistic egomania?

Wow. I was going to say a bit of a bummer.

It's okay, Noah, and I appreciate

you trying to make a great commercial for me.

I wish we could've finished it,

but, I sound like I swallowed one of

Lou's porcupine paninis.

Don't worry. I have an idea.

And we don't even need your voice, uh,

which is probably a good thing,

because I couldn't get you to project for the life of...

You know what? It's hard to turn off. Let's just go.

Can you believe we're about to get

more cowboy wisdom from Bill?

I don't know about you,

but I was dangerously close to making life decisions

based on my own instincts.

Bill! Bill!

ALL: [CHANTING] Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill...

You're not Bill.

No, I'm... [GAGS]...

Not. [SIGHS]

Bill couldn't make it.

But he taught me his ways.

And now, I'm full of his wisdom.

[STOMACH GURGLES] I'm so, so full.

Weird way to say it, but this is my entire identity now,

so I guess, let 'er rip.

Careful what you wish for.

Now, let me just remember

the first piece of cowboy wisdom that the beans,

I... I mean, Bill

wished to impart.

[METAL CLANGS]

"Know your limits because cows can't reach the sky."

ALL: What?Uh, that's a little confusing.

Are we the cows in this metaphor?

[SIGHS] Moving... [GAGS] On.

"Don't drink the outhouse water."

Ew.

That's a heath guideline, not wisdom.

Does he think we're yahoos?

"Behind every strong ranch hand is a donkey mother."

Come on, man. I dropped tooth money on this.

Just give me a second.

[CLANGING]

Wait a minute, your cowboyisms come from the bottom of bean cans?

So we're not Bill-ievers, we're...

Bean-lievers?

That doesn't sound cool at all.

[ALL BOOING]

[WHISTLES]

BOTH: Bill!

Yes, I'm here, Bill-ievers.

But why are you all here?

Have I taught you nothing?

"Life's a rodeo,

"sometimes you gotta know when to let go of a bronco."

Wow, mind blown.

Bill's right.

We've been holding onto him too tight.

We need to move on

and listen to the voice in our own hearts.

Thought I was saying that with the whole donkey thing, but whatevs.

And, Parker,

even though you got caught up in the money,

I forgot the most important advice of all.

"A cowboy always stands by his friends."

That's good advice for me, too.

I shouldn't have made you do something

you felt uncomfortable with.

I'm sorry.

It's okay, man.

[FARTS]

Sorry.

It's so bad. It's so bad I can almost see it.

Get out while you can! This next one's gonna blow this suit clean off!

Oh!

[SIGHS] Starting to think it would've been easier to just buy a toothpick.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Um, what are you doing?

Well, since there's a Barb-shaped hole in the camp industry now,

I figured someone had to fill it. [BLOWS WHISTLE]

Look at me! I'm Barb! I have an obsession

with quickly moving slowly.

You call that speed walking?

It's supposed to be slowly moving quickly.

Not that I care.

Winnie, Jake! [BLOWS WHISTLE]

Give me 100 jumping jacks!

Elbows up!

Suck in your diaphragm!

Oh, no, make it stop!

Does the blonde one even know he has arms?

Oh! [GASPS]

Don't look away. Drink it in, Barca.

Let their poor form and awkward flailing

rekindle the fire of who you once were.

Come back to me!

I'm gonna climb up that water wheel

while they're distracted. Cover me.

Okay. Wait, my shoe's untied.

Jake, move!

Fore!

Well, I did what I could. It's downhill's problem now.

You saved me.

I did save you.

And I beat you to do it.

I may not be better than everyone else.

But I am better than you,

and that's enough.

There's my Barbara.

The one who turned child safety into a contact sport.

Barbara? [SCOFFS]

Barbara is gone.

Barb is back.

Gimme that whistle, Lou-ser. [CHUCKLES]

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Why did we do this again?

I don't have a lot of adult friends, Jake.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Hey, guys. Are you watching

the Chicken Bowl championship game?

Yeah, and it has not disappointed.

In the first quarter, a giant water wheel rolled onto the field

and almost took out half the chickens. It was chaos.

Wow, that's crazy and something

I definitely know nothing about.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[SCREAMS] Code Barb! Code Barb!

Everyone to the bunker in an orderly fashion!

Stand down, y'all. She's friendly.

Wow, Lou, what a camp.

Congrats on your continued mediocrity.

[CHUCKLES] Friendly-ish.

But I didn't just come here to point out

your numerous flaws as a camp owner.

I actually came here to confess something.

My great-great-grandfather's homestead isn't the only thing that brought me to Dusty Tush.

♪ Here we go chickens Here we go Cluck-cluck! ♪

And it certainly wasn't the rich culture.

I actually came here because of you.

Deep down, in my darkest moment...

I kinda missed you.

Aw, thanks, Barb.

And before I put my pioneering ways aside for good,

I made you something.

"You put the Lou in Lou-ser."

So good to have you back.

[CHUCKLES] When are you leaving?

[BUZZER SOUNDS ON TV]

Guys, it's halftime. My commercial is about to come on.

NOAH ON TV: At the Dusty Diner, we "carrot" about you.

So, come on down and "lettuce" serve you the best food around.

I didn't think it was possible,

but you guys might even be weirder here than you were in Maine.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0