Original subtitles

[SIGHS SOFTLY] Finally, some peace and quiet.

Lou! We're all gonna die!

And I was right not to trust it.

Look, if this is about the expired yak meat,

the only side effect is unwanted hair growth,

which is why I already bought everyone's shoulder combs.

What?What?

No. The Wolverine cabin counselor just quit.

So now the most evil campers in history are unsupervised.

Save yourselves.

If I don't make it, tell my story!

Well, this is on me for naming them Wolverines.

At my next camp,

all the cabins are gonna be named after clouds and doughnuts.

What are we going to do?

They filled water balloons with bees.

How did they get the bees to fly into the balloons, Lou?

That's some dark art stuff.

I just need some time to find someone dumb enough

to be Wolverine cabin counselor.

I mean, someone excited enough about

the amazing opportunity to mold young minds.

Good luck. There's not a counselor in the world

good enough to handle those out of control monsters.

Oh, really?

Well, I happen to know an expert counselor.

Oh, yeah. Is Ava coming?

I'm talking about me. I was a great counselor.

Maybe the best of all time.

At least according to that mug I bought myself.

Don't worry. I'll turn those Wolverines into model campers lickety split.

You are going to be their counselor?

Man. This is like when Jordan came out of retirement.

You're comparing me to Michael Jordan?

No, Dr. Jordan, my mediocre dentist.

But it's nice to know you don't have any self-esteem issues.

ALL: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

Hey, Destiny. What you doing?

I'm finishing my menu for the Dusty Diner.

Who's gonna wanna eat dust?

No. Dusty as in Dusty Tush.

Not following. But I bet I get there.

It's the vegetarian restaurant the town gave Parker and me funding for.

What do you think about a delicious organic ratatouille?

I think you shouldn't serve a dish

where one ingredient is a rat, and the other is "touille".

Anyway, today is the opening, and I need everything to go perfectly.

Man, that sounds stressful,

especially with all those rats running around.

There are no rats, Jake.

Either way, it sounds like a lot of work.

So much work.Then I can totally help.

Uh, it's not that much work.

Oh, come on, Destiny. Don't be such a hero.

Jakey's on the job.

Well, seeing as I can't think of a way to politely get myself out of this,

welcome to the team, Jakey.

Sweet.

Oh, the Dusty Diner.

Nope, not there yet.

All right, let's get started.

Now, I bet you're all wondering why I'm running this activity.

It turns out I'm awful at Rock, Paper, Scissors.

So let's arm some children and see what happens.

Winnie, are you ready to start your first class?

Heck, yeah. Arrows are the one pointy weapon

I've never been able to play with.

Stupid neighborhood watch and their stupid rules just for me.

Little bummed that Lou doesn't also have those rules for you.

But hey, live and learn, he said, really hoping to live.

Relax, Parker. I know I'm gonna be great at this,

just like I am with all weapon-related activities.

You see, it's the repeated use of the word "weapon" that makes me nervous.

Bill, you're up.

Just call me a bovine optometrist.

Because I'm all about the bull's-eye.

Whoa, Bill.[ALL CLAPPING]

Nice job.

With the archery, not the trash talk. That needs work.

Okay, my turn.

I'm a god among men. Yeah!

What the... What?

Well, you didn't hit the target,

but bet those ants will never mess with you again.

It's all right. Just give it another dry.

Yeah, there's no way I'm not great at this.

How am I not great at this?

Look, I'm willing to tell people you weren't aiming at the target.

Forget it. I quit.

I am never arrowing again.

It's actually called archery.

Yeah, maybe we don't pile on.

Okay, You two are on one team,

and you two Wolverines are on another.

A physical activity like dodgeball

is a great way for them to burn off energy.

Thus making them more manageable.

Or fuel their love of violence.

But hey, what do we have to lose, besides our lives?

Okay, Wolverines. Listen up, when I blow this whistle, start playing.

And when I blow it again, stop!

Understood?

See that? That's experience talking.

Experience is a little yell-ey.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[GASPING]

Stop! I'm blind!

[BLOWS WHISTLE] Stop!

Stay! Stay! Where are they getting all these balls?

Ow!

Was that a rock? And you painted it red?

This was premeditated.

[BLOWS WHISTLE] Take cover.

So this is how I die at camp.

I always thought it would be a runaway bull.

Hey, Bill, I see you're

putting glue on the string.

I'm waxing it.

Yeah. I should not be teaching this class.

Look, Winnie is on her way, and I need your help.

She was so bummed about not being good at archery earlier.

We need to fix that.

Oh, so you convinced her to come back

so you can help her put in the hours to become better?

Oof, that sounds like, well, a lot of hours.

No. We're gonna take a shortcut, making her think she's great at archery,

thus making her feel great about herself, thus making me feel great about myself.

It's a win-win.

You know, saying "thus" a bunch of times doesn't make this a smart idea.

She's coming.

Why did you make me come back here?

I'm terrible. And I'll never get better.

No, I figured it out. You were just overthinking things earlier.

Really? No one's ever accused me of thinking before.

Look who's growing up.

I have the perfect idea to get you out of your own head.

A blindfold.

Now you can focus on the feel of the arrow

and not get distracted by outside things.

Like Bill's loud breathing?

Hey!

Oh, wow, that was a breathy H.

I guess I can give it a try.Great!

So you're going to take the girl who shot everything but the target

and remove her sight?

This plan is bad even for you.

And you set that bar pretty high.

Glad to have you in my corner, Bill.

Okay, Winnie. Fire away.

[BIRD SCREECHES]

What was that?

The sound of success. Look.

Hey, I did it. I'm incredible.

You are. Right, Bill?

Yes. Her skills are totally unbelievable.

Thank you, Parker. I feel so good about myself now.

Bill, if you want, I can give you some arrowing pointers later.

Archery. It's right on the sign.

I've got an idea. This time,

try shooting it behind your back, blindfolded.

Pitch on your pitch.

Spin me around first.Yeah!

So this is how I die it at camp.

I always thought it'd be a runaway bull.

Here you go. Two of our delicious veggie Kikiwa-kebabs.

Enjoy.We have an orange juice for the lady,

and for the gentleman, distilled tap water with a dash of plant fertilizer.

This is for the plant,

which is why the bottle does not say human fertilizer.

Oh, also that orange juice was mine.

The lipstick marks are not just a fun garnish.

Ew, gross.

Sorry, she's new.

[PHONE CHIMES][GASPS]

Oh, no.What? Did the chef quit?

Do you need me to fill in?

I can't cook, but I look awesome in those fluffy hats.

No. Parker just texted me.

And apparently a food critic from the Dusty Tush Times

is coming to review our restaurant today.[PHONE CHIMES]

Also, Winnie has arrows now. Good luck.

Wait. We're getting reviewed?

This is great news, right?

Maybe. The column is called Tush to Table.

And a glowing review can bring a lot of people to the restaurant.

Huh. Usually when I put my tush on the table, they ask me to leave.

I just need everything to go perfectly for the critic.

Don't worry. With Jacob Jake Jacobs, nothing can go wrong.

I got you, girl.

Please don't got me. I can got myself.

Uh... Five-second rule.

Destiny, don't just stand there.

We're running out of time.

So when Lou builds a statue of me, should the inscription read,

"World's Greatest Activities Director"

or "Galaxy's Greatest Activities Director?"

Hmm. Good question.

Which one do they give you for lying to a child?

Come on. It's just a little lie.

And now Winnie feels great about herself.

Parker, this is going to backfire on you.

I'm sure she's moved on to something else by now.

Or not.

Hey, guys. Like my new outfit?

I call it Nottingham Chic.

Yeah, it's great. Like, totally.

But, 'sup with the falcon?

Who, Rodrick? He completes the look.

Now that I'm an expert archist.

Archer. You're so close.

Bill, Bill, Bill. I think I know a little more about arching than you.

After all, I can do it blindfolded, and you have to use your eyes.

Like an arrow shooting baby.

Winnie. Bill and I are just stoked that you've got your confidence back.

So much confidence.

I sure have. And that's why I entered the camp-wide

arrow shooting tournament.

So now the whole camp can see how amazing I am.

The whole camp? I hope we have enough bandages.

I mean, beverages.

Are you sure you're ready for that?Definitely.

And, Bill, feel free to enter.

I'm sure they'll be looking for someone to give a second place ribbon to.

No shame in losing to the world's best arrow shooter person.

So when you said backfiring, this is what you meant, right?

Yep,

Hey, the guy at table seven just asked me what our best dish was.

I told him anything without rats.

Jake, there are no rats in our food.

Oh, I gotcha.

Wink-wink.

No. No winks!

Oh, my gosh. That guy writing in the notebook

must be the critic from the Dusty Tush Times.

On it. I'll warm up his tortillas in my armpits. Class all the way.

Maybe I don't need your help with this one.

What do you mean? Am I not helpful?

Uh, of course you are.

It's just that it's my restaurant,

so it makes sense that I'd be the one interacting with him.

Is that something you would believe?

Totally.

Okay. Then you go and entertain that table full of kids over there.

You got it. I wish your pits luck.

Hello, fine sir.

Welcome to the Dusty Diner, where we proudly serve organic food

that is pesticide and rat free, which should go without saying obviously.

And why don't I stop talking and get you a menu?

Okay.

Yo, I'm Jake, and I'll be helping you out today.

If you need anything, extra bread, more napkins,

life advice from an old soul, I'm your man.

Hi, I'm Danny. Tush Elementary snot rocket champion.

Three years running.

Dude, I'm Malibu snot rocket champ.

How come I haven't seen you at the meetings?

I'm rehabbing a pulled nostril.

Physical therapy is brutal.

Snot struggles are real, dude.

Now, the food here is amazing, but my service is better.

I even do magic.

Watch me yank this tablecloth without spilling anything.

Behold...

[APPLAUDING]

Ta-da!

Whoa!

I may have ta-da'd prematurely.

Here's that menu.

Okay.

What's going on?

I thought you were taking the Wolverines rowing on the lake

to blow off some steam.

I did, but then they tied me to a boat anchor,

so I switched things up before I ended up at the bottom of the lake

with all the old appliances I've dumped.

Well, I'm glad you're alive and not sleeping with the toasters.

You see, a good counselor adjusts their tactics.

So I let them decide their activity

because strong boundaries clearly didn't work.

I have the rope burns to prove it.

Is this for me? How sweet of you.

They love me now.

Five, four, three, two... Uh-oh.

I did not see that coming.

Kudos for the mislead.

Ah, macaroni. A little on the nose, to be honest.

Can't believe I thought I could tame problem campers

after being an owner for so long.

I've clearly lost all my counseling skills.

Don't feel bad, Lou.

I told you, here's no counselor in the world

that could get these monsters to behave.

That one kid's got shark eyes.

Thank you, Noah.

I'd give you a hug, but my arms are glued to my sides.

No worries. We'll just touch foreheads.

Nope. That was a bad idea.

I hope you're ready to guac and roll with our famous tableside

Kiki-guaca.

Does this wordplay have ending where I actually get my food?

Yes, sorry. I'll stop talking and start guac-ing.

Last one. I promise.

Destiny, are you sure you don't want my help?

I could juggle roles.

I just need to learn how to juggle first.

No! I mean, you've already done so much.

So, so much.

In fact, I think it's time for your break.

But I've only been here an hour.

Is that all? It feels like I've aged 30 years.

I mean, how about you go sit with your new booger-y friends?

Okay, but I want you to know

that "booger-y friends" is kind of reductive.

They do fart stuff, too.

Dude, let's play Brussels sprout baseball.

Normally, I do not like Brussels sprouts or baseball,

but I'm willing to take this ride with you, new friend.

Batter up.

[GASPS]

What is going on here?

Destiny, I'm so sorry.

Well, It looks like you guys have hit guac-bottom.

I can do it, too.

Destiny, I'm so sorry for ruining your chances

of getting a good review from that critic.

Man, the one time I'm good at sports,

it takes down a small business.

It's okay. I know you just wanted to help make the Dusty Diner a success.

I guess I'll just have to settle for becoming a sports legend.

Yes. Hold on to that.

And hey, Danny and his friends had an incredible time.

Plus, they loved the food.

Well, I guess that's what's really important anyway.

I just wanted people to enjoy my healthy food and have a good time.

Who cares what some stuffy critic thinks?

The whole town. I mean, nobody.

Sure are a lot of people here.

Yep, you might say there's a class action lawsuit amount of people here.

Bill, relax. It'll all be okay.

No, it won't. You have to tell Winnie the truth. She's up first.

And crush her self-esteem?

That would be like an arrow straight to my heart.

Which is a real possibility right now.

Listen, I have a plan.

'Tis I, your soon to be crowned queen of the arrowing arts.

Observe as I cover my eyes.

"How will she do it?", you might ask. Patience!

All will be revealed.

Winnie, you should limber up before you start.

You know, safety first.

If safety mattered, there wouldn't be five bird widows on our conscience.

You're gonna do great, Winnie.

[MOUTHING]

Take your spot at that line, Winnie.

Prepare to be amazed at the blindfolded wonder.

[ALL CHEERING]

But what about the arrow she shoots?

Aren't we still worried it'll hit someone?

Don't worry, I thought of everything.

That's why I tipped her arrows with rubber balls.

Bask in my greatness, peasants.

Yah!

[GROANS]

Winnie, are you okay?

Wait. Why is there a rubber ball on this?

And how could I miss the target so badly?

I'm a phenom.

It's because, um...

[SIGHS]

You're terrible, okay.

Like, dangerously, potentially criminally terrible.

How? I hit the bullseye blindfolded.

Oh, no, no, no. You hit, like, a lot of birds.

I faked the whole bullseye thing.

I wanted you to feel confident in yourself.

[CLEARS THROAT] Helicopter parent.

Winnie, I realize now that the only thing that will give you confidence at this

is practice and hard work. There's no shortcut.

And I'm sorry I tried to make one for you.

It's okay. I'm a real fan of shortcuts.

Wish that had worked out.

If you want, I'd be happy to work with you every day and help you get better.

Really? You would do that?

Even though I acted like an arrogant jerk

who thought I was better than you at archery?

Archery? Is that the word? It sounds so wrong.

Of course I'll help you. We're friends.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a tournament to win.

Oh, can I borrow Rodrick? He really does complete the look.

Right? I'm telling you, Nottingham Chic is gonna be a thing.

Where are the Wolverines? Are they behind me?

Is this a bad time to tell you I failed all my staged combat classes?

Don't worry. The Wolverines won't be misbehaving anymore.

Hmm.

You sound pretty confident for a woman who still has macaroni in her ear.

Actually, it was something you said that helped me solve our problem.

Huh?

I don't remember solving anything, but that does feel on brand for me.

When you said that no counselor in the world

could get these kids under control, it gave me an idea.

I'm not a counselor anymore. I'm an owner.

So I did something only an owner could do.

You bribed them?Are you kidding?

We're using old corn cobs for toilet paper,

and you think I got bribe money laying around?

Touche?

I called their parents and told them if their kids don't start behaving,

I'm going to toss them out of here like so many used toilet cobs.

So you tattled?

No, it's not called tattling when you're the boss.

It's called managing.

Don't fact check me on that.

Well, whatever you want to call it, it worked.

So, you won't mind helping me watch 'em

until I find 'em a new counselor?

I would be delighted to help you with such well-mannered campers, Lou.

Let's make Destiny do it.

Yeah. We should tell her the good news.

Hey, guys. Welcome.

We're not open just yet, but feel free to sit down and chat

or shoot mucus from your noses.

I don't know how your kind greets each other.

Oh, man. I just sneezed. Now I'm out of ammo.

Come on, Jacobs, get your head in the game.

I just thought you'd like to read my review of the Dusty Diner

in today's paper.

Your review? You're the author of Tush to Table?

Isn't it awesome?

It's got a funny word for "butt" right in the name.

"High Jinks Abound at Destiny Baker's New Restaurant.

"It's kid-friendly and delicious."

"It's refreshing to eat somewhere that doesn't take itself so seriously

"and allows people to have fun."

Oh, my gosh. This is an amazing review.

"Plus, the food is super tasty and really aerodynamic."

I feel seen.

All my friends can't wait to try it.

I hope you have sodas,

because Derek here can burp the Declaration of Independence.

How patriotic.

But if you're the critic, then who did Destiny spill food all over?

Oh, that's my uncle Larry.

He likes to go to restaurants and work on his sci-fi novel about space dolphins.

Give it up, man.

No wonder he lives in my nana's basement.

Okay, we're officially open now, so let me grab everyone some menus.

Dude, you've got to try our vegan meatballs.

They fly so much further than Brussels sprouts.

Why didn't I just put out a cookbook?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

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