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We got to cut the angel bit.

What do you mean?

House of Blues won't let us use pyrotechnics.

Jim Belushi won't let us do pyrotechnics?

Fuck. No. It's gotta... It's gotta end with the angel, angel, angel.

And then boom, boom, boom.

It's got... It's got to have explosions.

Well, don't let this fuck you up.

Have a good show.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Brian Posehn!

[CROWD CHEERING]

[HEAVY METAL MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]

Fuck, yeah. Yeah!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Yeah! Fuck, yeah.

Holy Jesus.

You guys are awesome.

Oh, my God!

That opening was so metal

it doesn't seem like I should talk about my dick now.

Like... You know what I mean?

It seemed like I should have

just broken into song

and [GROWLS] jump out there.

You guys are fucking awesome.

I love coming here.

I'm a huge comic book nerd.

This week is Comic-Con...

[CROWD CHEERING]

I'm sure there's a lot of locals

that hate Comic-Con

and, you know, save that for later.

We'll talk about it later.

But here's the thing, 'cause, you know,

if you've been here during Comic-Con,

all the restaurants try to nerd it up.

You know, to, like, appeal to us.

So they'll put, like, girls in costumes that,

you know, girls never fucking read

Green Lantern or, you know... And that makes nerds mad.

Like, we'll be at a strip club,

you know, and you're getting a lap dance from Lady Thor.

-BRIAN: Mm, yeah! -[CROWD LAUGHING]

First of all, I have been very vocal on the Internet

about my displeasure of the creation of Lady Thor.

But now that she's actually rubbing on my parts,

I feel different things.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

Oh, God! For Asgard! That's when he can.

I'm not allowed to do that tonight.

I know where your San Diego stripping establishments are.

Oh, fuck yeah! I don't need Siri for that.

I know where they are, man, but I'm not allowed to go.

And it's not like they have a restraining order against me.

Like, that would be awesome.

Like, an entire city's stripping establishments

got a restraining order against you.

Like, you have to do some serious shit

to get kicked out of a Spearmint Rhino, right?

That's dick out during a lap dance,

that's running through the place,

yelling, "I'm putting babies in all you ladies."

You have to do some serious shit

for a strip club to go,

"Nope. Not that guy.

"Not taking his money."

That's not what happened to me.

No. My story is,

I made a deal with my sweet, sweet wife

a couple of years ago

that I would no longer go to strip clubs.

And by that I mean, she said,

"You no longer go to strip clubs."

And I went, [WHIMPERING] "It's a deal."

50-50. I still have a say.

And I don't want to paint my wife

like she's some comedy cliche.

She's not. She's fucking awesome

and she always busts my balls, you know?

But we did.

I really am not allowed to go to strip clubs.

That part's real.

Oh, yeah. 'Cause I like my penis where it is.

She'll chop the shit out of that thing.

She said it, like, jokingly.

But, nah. I know real when I see real.

I'm not allowed to go.

So she busts my balls whenever given a chance.

So, last summer I was flying to Montreal.

Don't know if you've been,

but it's super strippery.

Yeah. You get a lap dance before you go through Customs.

You just land at the Montreal airport and a super-hot French lady

jumps on your dong like... [GROWLS]

And that is how they sound, by the way.

I'm sure you caught on,

I'm super good at accents.

You should hear my Irish fella...

You already did.

[GROWLS]

Happy Saint Patrick's Day.

So my wife knows how shitty I am at accents.

She is also super aware

of how strippery Montreal has been.

She's been there, she knows.

So I couldn't trick her, right?

Sitting on the plane, talking to my wife on the phone,

plane's about to take off.

Flight attendant walks back by,

tells everybody to turn their phones off.

My wife keeps talking...

Flight attendant walks again,

gives me the stink eye... A couple of things about me,

I don't do well with, like, pressure or authority

or like people. Uh, I'm sort of a freak.

I start to lose my shit, and my wife knows this.

So she used this opportunity to blurt this out of nowhere.

She just goes, "Lap dances are cheating!"

-and then click. -[CROWD LAUGHS]

I swear to you,

that's how she fucking said goodbye to me.

My wife of 10 years.

Not, "I love you," not, "Enjoy Montreal,"

not, "Bring me back something French."

Just fucking, "Lap dances are cheating."

And then dead air.

I'm just sitting with my phone going,

"What the fuck just happened?"

I know she's busting my chops,

so I don't say anything.

So I get home five days later,

and I'm like, "Hey, baby,

when I was leaving,

why did you yell, 'Cat Fancyis cheating?'"

[CROWD LAUGHS]

"The whole time I was getting lap dances from beautiful French girls,

"wondering why you hated a magazine about cats."

People that like cats like to read.

What's your fucking problem?

I quit smoking pot over two years ago.

-Yeah. -[CROWD BOOING]

No, you're right.

That was fucking stupid.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

I'm back so hard. Oh, my God.

-[CROWD CHEERING] -Oh, yeah!

Came back to weed with a vengeance.

So now I'm back behind comedy clubs,

hanging out with strangers,

smoking whatever random shit they hand me.

Super safe, right?

I almost find it insulting

that I've never woken up in a stranger's van going,

"What the fuck?"

No one wants to rape me.

Is that what you're telling me?

Not one person in all of North America

wants to rape me.

I did that joke in Portland.

And as soon as I said not one person wants to rape me,

a bunch of people in the audience went, "Aw."

That's such a fucking Portland response.

A bunch of sweet hippies up there.

They're like, "Oh, come on, you guys,

as Oregonians, we should step up

and show this guy some Portland spirit

and take this fat bear behind a building

and make that shit happen."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

503 in the hizzy.

Traveling with weed sucks.

I've spoken about that before.

I don't travel with weed

'cause I would get super paranoid.

I mean, I talk about what a freak I am.

Oh, my God, when I'm full of weed,

high as fuck and I'm going through TSA,

and I'm just sweating... [GAGS]

and I've got a sack under my sack...

And that taint no good.

[LAUGHS]

-[CROWD LAUGHS] -[CROWD CHEERING]

Oh, my God. Somebody really likes puns.

I love that.

You with the crazy laugh,

you're going to enjoy.

I've hidden a couple more puns in my act

and by hidden... I mean,

I become Yosemite Sam when I make a pun.

I fucking love wordplay so much

I want to shoot fucking holes in the ceiling.

Fun with words. So they'll be easy to find.

Even the dumb dumbs will figure out when I made a pun.

I got busted... Oh, I almost got busted

when I wasn't even carrying.

I flew into Calgary...

But here's the story. I was super, super high.

Oh, my God. And I was sweating so much weed...

And I got high with a bunch of strangers

in North Carolina, and then I get on a plane,

I fly into Calgary, Canada

fucking high out of my skull...

Yeah, it's a place.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

And I'm super, super high,

and I got to go through Customs.

And make it through the first level of Customs.

Second level of Customs,

two Customs officers and the dog... Yeah.

Here's two things about me.

I love animals, and I'm fucking stupid.

'Cause my natural reaction

to seeing that drug dog was to go,

"Hey, pretty girl. How are we doing today?"

The dog's like, "You fucking idiot.

"You just made my job super, super easy,

"you fucking giant stoner."

And the dog does this, walks up and sits at my feet.

Right? Which is how they let their trainers know

that, like, you're high

or you have weed or you're a Muslim.

-And... -[CROWD LAUGHS]

Yeah, I didn't know about the politically incorrect

doggy training going at the Calgary Airport.

I just thought it was the most fucking adorable thing

I'd seen all week.

I'm like, "Who's making friends today?

"We are! Who likes ear rubs? Everybody.

"That's right. All the doggies in doggy land

"love to have their ears rubbed

"'cause it makes their foot go crazy."

And the dog's like, "Dude, seriously, shut the fuck up.

"You're blowing it super, super hard, dude."

And the dog was right.

Apparently, I was fucking blowing it.

'Cause the two dudes take me away from my new friend.

And I'm like, "Where are we going? She's pretty."

They bring me into another room

that none of you want to go into at the Calgary airport.

'Cause in that room, in my experience,

is the meanest lady I've ever met in my life.

Yeah, mean lady at the Calgary airport

was all fucking business.

She goes through my bags, makes me take off my clothes.

Not the first time

I've been nude in front of a mean lady.

-[CROWD LAUGHS] -It's kind of a recurring theme.

A lot of disappointment when this dude nudes up.

And the two dudes start to leave me

and that's when I panicked.

I'm like, "What's going on, fellas?

"Why am I in here in the first place?"

And the guy goes, "Well, sir,

"the dog indicated you."

And at the time I was still fucking high.

So I'm like, "Well, all right, that makes sense, I guess."

But in retrospect, I'm pretty fucking sure I indicated myself.

'Cause you know who tries to hug drug dogs?

People on drugs.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

My buddy in LA is a pot dealer.

He's been my dealer for a long time

and a good friend of mine.

And he's super excited

about weed being legal everywhere.

He's like, "It's gonna be awesome, dude,

"when it's legal everywhere."

And I'm like, "Not for you."

Just think about it. You'll never use a dealer again

when you don't fucking have to.

When you can go to Costco and buy in bulk, right,

you're not gonna sit on some dude's shitty couch

in his gross apartment.

And hear him talk about his fucking obsidian collection ever again.

'Cause if you've ever bought weed

from a dude, and I have,

you know you've got to hang out in your dealer's house

and hear about his boring-ass hobby

he just picked up.

"Hey, brother, just found out I'm 1/72nd Cherokee,

"so I started collecting arrowheads."

"Wow, brother, I just found out I'm 3/4

"I fucking hate you.

"Let me go! Tell your girlfriend she doesn't have to hide

"in your bedroom when I come over.

"I'm not buying guns you fucking weirdos.

"Just weed."

On the road, you know, a lot of times

I get to bring my friends, which is nice.

Sometimes, though, I'll be in a place

and I'll have some kid open for me who I've never met before.

I was in Phoenix, and I love Phoenix,

but they had this 26-year-old hipster kid go up before me.

With the pants and the face and the thing.

And... I don't hate hipsters

in case there's any of you in here.

I just hate this fucking kid.

'Cause he was on my stage,

talking about how much he hates himself.

At 26, you guys,

he's having a little boohoo party

talking about self-hatred.

And as you're about to see,

that's kind of my area.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

Self-hatred.

But I'm fucking 49.

I've earned my self-hatred.

And Grandpa Self-Hatred

is sitting back there going,

"What the fuck can you hate

"about yourself at 26, hipster dick?"

"Oh, I ran out of moustache wax, you guys!

"I can't get my mustache to go old-timey and pricklesy like I like.

"Sure, I work at a Starbucks at the mall

"but I like to look like

"I'm a butcher from the fucking 1800s."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

"And my unicycle has a flat tire.

"Well, if you're not familiar with the unicycle

"as a form of transportation,

"it only has one tire.

"So all my tires are flat, you guys.

"How am I supposed to ride around the Gaslamp District

"with my iguana, on my shoulder

"like a fucking asshole?

"How are strangers gonna know I'm a dick?

"People will actually have to have a discussion with me before they can

"determine I'm a terrible person.

"Just like in olden times.

"And how am I going to make it

"to my Whitesnake ukulele tribute band practice?

"Oh Whitesnake, oh ukulele.

"Oh, super shitty, by the way.

"We're called Uk-Snake, and we're opening for Bon-uke

"at uke-fest in Uk-gene, Oregon."

"Fuck you, hipster!"

That's not self-hatred.

I know self-hatred.

I hate myself because of that joke.

And I'll explain. Like, I'm the old guy now,

making fun of young people suddenly.

But two years ago, I was fucking cool as shit.

Well, four years back. Now, I'm super old.

I'm so old now

and it feels like it just happened

in the last couple of years

where I just felt, like, so, so old.

And that's this.

Uh, I no longer know what Weird Al is making fun of.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

Yeah, that's a huge thing for me.

I've talked before about

what a fucking Weird Al fan I am, but now I'm lost.

I don't know what he's doing anymore.

My whole life, I followed him.

I remember being a kid and,

you know, counting on him almost,

like a shitty song would come out

and I'd be like, you know, that sucks.

And then a couple of months later,

Weird Al would have his take on it.

And I'd be like, "Yeah, get 'em Weird!" you know?

He had an album come out last year.

He won a Grammy for it, man,

and there are six parody songs on that album.

And I only knew one of the originals

and that was the one that was in the news a lot

from Alan Thicke's kid.

And how fucking old am I

that I call him Alan Thicke's kid.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

Like, when I wrote this joke,

I actually had to look Robin Thicke up.

Like, I'm your 80-year-old grandmother

who can't pull the name Robin Thicke out of my crusty, ancient ass.

"You know, um, Alan Thicke's boy from, uh, The Growing Pains.

"Remember him? He also wrote the Diff'rent Strokes song."

You might not know that about that Alan Thicke.

He's a very talented guy.

So anyways, his young boy...

Not the boy from the TV show,

not the Banana Man. not the Christian kid.

No, his real boy.

He was out on that movie awards,

dancing around with that Billy Ray Cyrus slut.

Boy, she's sure giving it away.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

What the fuck is happening to me?

My brain is old.

Oh, my God. My body's older.

Somehow, I don't know how, my body...

Oh, my God. Each day, it's getting worse.

Um, my tits are sweating. Right now.

While I talk to you,

my tits are being rude.

They're sweating, and I'm not really doing much.

I paced around a couple of times.

My tits are doing less than me.

My tits are just laying on top of my gut,

but they're both currently sweating

like a fucking 12-year-old basset hound

just ran around a swimming pool 20 times.

And I know dogs don't have sweat glands,

but it works. Anyway...

I hate my tits, you guys.

And... Oh, I hate touching them too,

like, that always creeps me out.

Doesn't feel like my hand.

It just feels so wrong.

Yeah. I just feel like the worst day stripper.

Just like, "Meh. put 'em on the glass, I guess."

"I'm working my way through college again, fellas,

"whatever you can kick down..."

You would think I'd be used to my tits.

I've had 'em a while.

Oh, yeah. I first got my tits when I was 31.

I remember the day.

I went and called my mom,

she took me to the mall,

we got me a training bra and went out for ice cream.

Sweet, sweet day between a boy and his mom.

It's a rite of passage

for every fat nerd.

When I was 35, I had the tits of a 16-year-old girl.

What's up, fellas? That's right.

Yeah. Fuck yeah. You're right, dude.

Perky and perfect,

but forbidden. You know what I mean?

Like, just like a 16-year-old girl's tits.

Untouchable, you fucking creep!

Avert your eyes, old man.

You want to go to jail again, brother?

I get super self-conscious about 'em, too.

I'm like, "Fellas, my eyes are up here."

I was in Hawaii, with my wife

and she made me swim.

That is true. I climb out of a swimming pool

and I really did this, like, in public.

I'm like, I hope no one sees my side tit.

I'm going to have to wear a shirt when I swim,

like a fat old asshole.

Now, as I said earlier, I'm not 35.

Nuh-uh, I'm much older.

So I have the tits of a much older woman

who's had some children.

She's seen some hard road in recent years, you guys.

Yeah, she's been to Sturgis with those titties.

Fuck, yeah. She's got some dirty Sturgis biker secrets

she's going to take to the grave with those tatas.

That's right. Shit they can't show

on Sons of Anarchy because it's only cable.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

Now she's working at a diner off the Interstate.

It's four in the morning, you go in with your buddies,

all high as fuck.

She drops one of her dog tits into your coffee.

You heard me.

And she's like, "More coffee, hon?"

and you're like, "Nope, never.

"I just stopped drinking coffee

"just this fucking second.

"Thanks for ruining all caffeinated beverages

"with your terrible Sturgis dog tits."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

I make fun of myself a lot.

Like, that's pretty much the rest of the special.

It's making fun of myself

and serial killers.

I will talk about them

but that's kind of it.

But I make fun of myself for a reason.

'Cause I blame myself

for what you see in front of you.

Sure, genetics played a hand.

A shitty, shitty hand.

Bald at 23.

That'll be fun for a heavy metal dude.

Say goodbye to your beautiful blond locks,

Sebastian Bach.

Hey, let's put a beak on human.

What will that look like?

Let's put a beak on a human

and make a little bird boy.

That'll be super fun for him when he's nine years old

and his whole face is one giant fucking beak.

That'll be awesome.

Hey, let's give him a vision problem

so it looks like his glasses came

attached to his fucking nose.

He went to a fucking magic store

at Pier 39 like a goddamn tourist

and bought a magic face for $8.

Hilarious gag face.

That said, that said,

the rest of the shit is my fault.

It is. Every inch.

Besides this.

All this shit, my fault.

My tits, my back tits.

My second set of back tits.

They're coming in nicely,

in case you're wondering.

All this...

That's my fault, 'cause I eat, like, shit.

I eat like a rich old lady's dog.

"Three meals a day and all the treats I can handle.

"Yeah, that's right. I'm a pretty boy, you guys.

"I'm momma's pretty boy.

"I sure am.

"Mama said I could have all the treats in the cupboard

"now that Daddy's dead.

-[CROWD LAUGHS] -AUDIENCE: Aw!

Oh, I killed a guy in a joke. Fuck off.

What's more metal than that?

Making a dude up and fucking killing him.

Treats, man, are my downfall.

Treats are what's doing all this bullshit.

Treats, like, I eat treats all day.

I eat treats if I have a good day,

treats if I have a shitty day.

Sometimes I'll feel guilty about having too many treats.

Then I'll sneak a guilty treat.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

I'm not exaggerating

when I tell you, I have fallen asleep in hotel rooms

with a night-night treat hanging out of my fucking mouth.

And how I haven't choked out

and gone to heaven like a fat Bon Scott,

I have no fucking idea.

Instead, I wake up with a breakfast treat

laying on my pillow,

partially chewed, left for me by Jesus.

That fat piece of shit.

Me, not Jesus.

And my friends, man, my friends love food

and all my friends and my wife even, they love food

but they call themselves foodies, right?

I'm like, we've all heard that word, foodie,

but, like, I still hate it.

But I remember the first time I heard the word foodie,

like, eight years ago,

seriously, I got deuce chills.

Ugh.

"You're a foodie?" "Yeah, 'cause I love food."

Pretty sure if you have a human body,

you fucking have to.

Fucking foodie. Oh, my God.

I hate people.

-AUDIENCE: Yeah! -[CROWD CHEERING]

But I watch those... I love food, yes.

I watch all those shows that the foodies watch.

I watch all those shows.

I watch the Food Network and the Cooking Channel.

But I'll be sitting in my underwear

eating peanut butter out of a jar

going, "That looks hard."

Wish I knew how to do things.

But I know how to eat, right?

Well, not right, but often, and to excess.

And I watch those shows.

I watch all those shows, man,

I love some of those shows.

Like, I watched Diners, Drive-ins and Dives,

and I love that show and it's been great for me

because I can... Well, being on the road all the time.

I watch that show, and then

I find good places to go in cities I'm going to.

Like, you know, that's how I found out about Hodad's.

Yeah, shout out to Hodad's.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Fucking great San Diego burger joint.

You guys got a bunch of amazing food,

and I found out about it from that show.

I hate that bleach haired,

fucking Nor Cal, Cabo Wabo

sunglasses on the back of his fucking...

Running out of ways to describe that dickhead.

Oh, my God, I hate Guy Fieri.

-[CROWD CHEERING] -Yeah. Yeah.

-But I... Hold on. -[MAN] He's a douche!

But I like to put cheese on gravy

and that fat bitch tells me

where I can do that shit.

He's made a little fat map for all those fatties

to follow around Fat America.

"Hey, Guy Fieri, I'm going to be

"in the San Diego region this weekend.

"You know where I could get pulled pork on top of pancakes?"

"Sure do, brother.

"You pull into Downtown,

"you go to Fourth Street,

"you see the old man with his balls out, then you can go fuck yourself."

Oh, my God, I hate Guy Fieri.

Like this dude said, he's a douche. He's a douche.

But the real reason I hate Guy Fieri

is we're from the same place.

We are. We're both from Northern California,

and we both, literally, grew up

about a half hour away from each other.

And if you're from that region of the country,

you're either like him

and you fucking love Sublime still and...

[CROWD LAUGHS]

You quote Swingers

and your friends want to stab you.

Or you're like me

and you fucking hate dudes like him.

And I'm like me.

And I am such a pussy.

Like, I've never punched a dude in my life.

But if I met Guy Fieri,

I might have to curb stomp him on principle.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Like, "Put your mouth on that, dude.

"Is that the train to Flavor Town, asshole?

"Is that a winner-winner chicken dinner, motherfucker?

"Am I your brother from another mother?

"Buy a new bracelet, Smash Mouth. Hey, now."

[CROWD CHEERING]

You're a rock star Get your freak on

All that glitters is dumb.

Oh, my God. But I'm full of shit, you guys,

'cause if I met Guy Fieri in person,

like, at a party or my high school reunion,

I would be like, "I love your show, brother."

Maybe like, "Heard you talking smack down in SD."

So I watch those shows. I watch all those shows.

I watch the Food Network, Cooking channel so much.

And then I read about shows too.

I read about restaurants and... Oh, yeah. I watch the shows

to learn about restaurants, and then I'll read about 'em.

I was... I went to check this place out in Chicago.

The deal with this restaurant is

it's run by a real life mental patient.

Like, seriously, he'll go into an insane asylum

and come up with delicious ideas

and come out and open his restaurant up again.

And the deal with this dude's restaurant is no menu.

He'll just bring you whatever the fuck he wants to bring you

and you're like, "Oh, my God,

"this is the best shit I've ever had in my life."

Well, maybe you don't sound like a Muppet, but I do.

So I go to this restaurant

with a buddy of mine

and it's insane. Like I said, there's no menu.

And it's also one of those places where you strap in.

You're there for a while, right?

We were there for about three hours.

And it's just plate after plate

of the best stuff I've ever had in my life.

Third thing comes out,

it's one of the best things I've ever tasted.

And my friend must feel the same way

'cause he says this to me.

He goes, "Dude, this tastes like angel cum."

[CROWD LAUGHS]

My response, and I did not say,

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

No, I say, "Yeah.

"It does. You nailed it.

"It totally tastes like angel cum."

Like, I've never had angel cum, as far as I know,

But I'm sure it's excellent, right?

Like, just based on its scarcity alone,

it's got to be one of the better cums.

Up there with unicorn jizz.

You've got to know a dude, you know what I mean?

You've got to be a foodie.

So the point is,

my idiot friend says, "angel cum,"

I agree with him.

We're done talking about angel cum, we move on.

There's other things to discuss,

we're there for a while.

And Crazy comes back out with these two plates of meat.

And I swear to God, this is what he said to us,

Verbatim, he goes, "Gentlemen, this is antelope.

"It was shot two days ago in Denver, Colorado,

"out of a helicopter, using a sniper rifle."

[LAUGHTER]

I know. I was like, "That's the best fucking thing I've ever heard in my life."

And it was so good.

Now everything I eat has to be shot out of a helicopter using a sniper rifle.

Even seafood. It's getting it super expensive.

"Circle around, that asshole's on with them dolphins!"

But there was this sauce

on the antelope, that I couldn't describe.

I didn't know where it came from.

Like I told you, I watched those shows, but I retain nothing.

So I turned to my friend and I go,

"Hey, man.

"You know that thing you said

"that angels came out earlier and jerked off on our food?

"This really tasted like a bunch of angels, came out and jerked off on our food."

And he looks at me and goes, "Um, I never said that.

"I just said it tastes like angel cum.

"Why did you make it weird?"

He's right. I fucking made it weird.

Sure he brought up angel cum in the first place,

but he never talked about how it was prepared or presented.

Right? In his squeaky clean scenario, it very easily

could have arrived at our table

in a glass jar with Paul Newman's face.

But no.

I had to bring the angels into it all.

[VOMITING NOISE]

What the fuck does that say about me,

that when you mention angel cum, that's where my brain goes?

And I think it's because I like my food

farm to table.

Yeah, that's a foodie term. I'm well aware of that.

Turns out I might be a foodie.

Because if you're going to present me with angel cum,

I want to know two things.

Is it sustainable?

Is it cruelty-free?

Super important.

I don't want to picture a bunch of angels trapped in a cage.

They can't even stand up straight,

they're all hunched over

chicken wire pressing their little angel heads.

They're all getting bald spots next to their halos,

and they can't climb out because the farmer put a cinder block right there.

So they're like...

[CLUCKING]

These are angels from books,

with beautiful, majestic angel wings.

And they can't spread 'em because right next to him is another dude going,

"I'm fucking working here, asshole."

Depressing conditions.

I think Sarah McLachlan should write a song.

That's right, about the plight of the masturbating angel.

For just 75 cents a day,

you can stop angels from having to masturbate behind restaurants.

"The hands of an angel."

If this stupid joke has a point, it would be this.

I want free range angel cum.

Yeah.

I want my angels to do whatever the fuck they want during the day

and then, at night come to your table,

because they have a job and responsibility.

They'll be like, "Hey, how's it going?

"Do you gentlemen live here in Chicago?"

I'll be like, "No, but I fucking love coming here."

Wink.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

All right, girls...

Hey, hey!

Come on, guys.

Angels, everybody!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, that just happened.

Fuck yeah, that's just happened.

Guess what? I got to do like 20 more minutes.

Yeah, what a fucking idiot I am.

Hotels are weird.

I have to reiterate.

I'm on the road all the time,

and, you know, sometimes I stay in nice ones.

I'll tell you where later.

Has nothing to do with me.

But sometimes I'll wind up in shitholes.

I was in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada,

and I love it up there.

But I stayed in this really old hotel/casino.

Super rundown. It's full of ghosts.

And then I made it worse

by clogging the toilet.

Yeah. Nothing makes you feel worse about yourself, you guys,

than clogging a toilet.

Because that's even a toilet going, "Nah.

"I'm good.

"You're going to have to figure something else out, you fat fuck."

I'm like, "Fuck you, toilet!

"Your only job as a toilet is gulp down all my turds

"no questions asked."

But somehow I was able to create a shit so heinous,

made this particular toilet draw an invisible line in the sand.

He's like, "Thou shall not pass."

Fuck you, toilet.

Because if I'm at home and I ruin a toilet,

and I have, I mean, look at me, I fucking destroy toilets.

My body was built to do damage to toilets.

At home, I have a plunger.

I have more than one bathroom, so I have more than one plunger.

It's the worst brag ever.

"Doing pretty good, you guys. I got a couple of plungers."

What a dick.

But since I'm in Edmonton, Alberta,

I now have to involve total strangers.

Didn't have my plunger.

Should. Should travel with it.

Because I had to call downstairs and involve this woman

in well, my drama upstairs.

So I do. I go, "Hey."

"Clogged toilet."

Canadians smile in real life.

I'm pretty sure I shed a tear at the end of that sentence.

A true story, I made a simple request.

All I said to her after that, I go,

"Hey, can you please send a dude up?"

I should have been way more specific.

Because that's all she did, send a dude up.

Not a dude with a plunger,

or a plan or a fucking idea.

Just a dude.

I swear to God, he just showed up

and looked at it, and went, "Yep, that's gross."

And he left.

He just checked it out once. "Sure enough, nasty. Later."

Like he was just doing shit recon or something.

Like he reported to a superior officer downstairs.

Like, "Sir, that toilet is FUBAR, sir."

So now I'm sitting with a FUBAR toilet, and I'm like,

"Well, we only got to be here two more days."

Might as well name you.

How about Old Turdy Bastard?

I love '90s hip-hop.

So me and big baby shitters are sitting there.

There's a knock at the door. Another dude is there now.

Like, the first guy quit, I guess, right?

Like that's all I could figure out.

I think he went downstairs and, "Fuck this. Another fatass from LA clogged our toilet."

Throws the keys on the table,

but they're still attached to his pants,

so he's like, "I took some steam out of that."

Second guy knows why he's there.

He's got a plunger.

I'm so relieved.

But you will not believe what he said to me.

I still can't believe it.

He looks at me and goes, "Where is it?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Right? "Where is it?"

Where the fuck do you think it is, dude?

Go back.

What did she tell you I clogged?

You want to make a game of this? I love games.

We'll get my Dungeon Master on the horn,

and he'll send us on the quest for the troll's turds.

[CROWD CHEERING]

So I get depressed, is my point.

Last year, I was at the height of my depression

and I was on the road a lot, and I was in New York,

and I was 30 pounds heavier.

I was just in a bad place, and I was in Times Square.

I love New York.

But I fucking hate Times Square.

Fuck that place in its dirty hobo butthole.

Fucking makes Orlando seem awesome.

Times Square is so gross, it's just super touristy now.

There's not the porn that there used to be

when it was like the war years time.

That was awesome. Now it's gross.

There's like a fucking two-story Sbarro there.

Sbarro, the shittiest Italian food you've ever had.

You're at the mall, and you're like,

"I guess I'll eat Sbarro

"and then I'll go to my car and eat a gun for dessert."

Has anybody ever been in a Sbarro and been like,

"I wish this place was two storys.

"So my asshole friends could cram in here and have fucking Italian food

"that makes Olive Garden seem not like poison."

There's a fucking M&M store next to the Sbarro.

M&Ms, your fifth favorite candy.

Who gives a fuck?

And yeah, man, I have more than five favorite candies. Don't judge me.

You don't get to.

I'm eating treats

in the middle of the day overlooking Times Square.

I'm depressed, man. I'm having a bad time, I'm treating it up.

I'm watching The Avengers.

Yeah.

Noob.

Yeah, because that's the way you should watch that movie.

We should have been allowed o have our dicks out during its theatrical run.

Because when Hulk beats the shit out of Loki in that first one,

fuck yeah, that's a fucking dick-out moment for nerds.

"Hulk smash. Indeed."

Send that trickster God back to Odin broken. Fuck him.

So I'm just sitting there, to recap, eating treats.

Fat, gross, naked, and old.

I have to pause the movie halfway through,

because Grandpa had to pee.

'Cause my body doesn't work the way it used to.

As I got up and walked to the hotel bathroom,

true story,

I farted,

on every step.

[LAUGHTER']

Yeah.

Every step I took with my stupid fucking feet

was interrupted or highlighted, rather.

My therapist wants me to be positive,

I'm working on it,

highlighted, by a loud gross fart.

So for reals, I'm just this naked, stinky Sasquatch stomping through my room.

Fucking...

[FARTING NOISES]

Now I'm 15 years old in my head.

So when I started farting on every step, I was having a good goddamn day.

In my head I was like...

[GIGGLING]

"Am I really gonna fucking fart on every fucking step?"

Like I spoke in depression earlier,

but as soon as farting came to town,

depression jumped out the fucking window.

But that's not why... Like, in my head,

I've been talking about, you know, self-hatred.

That's what happens. Like, that amusement lasts a little while.

In my head, it's like a switch is flipped, and I go from,

"Ha, am I really going to fart on every fucking step?"

to "Oh, my God, am I really going to fucking fart on every fucking step?"

Yeah!

I hate you, body. You're the worst body anybody's ever had, body.

I should throw you out the window and try to hit the M&M store,

you fucking human turd.

And I get to the bathroom, and the last part is totally uneventful,

just like... "Meh."

Like my asshole yawned.

Like I literally ran out of gas.

[ALL CHEERING]

Please don't have angels come out and fart on us.

Please don't. Please don't! Oh, My God!

And I'm standing there red-faced and mad

because I can't remember why the fuck I came into the bathroom in the first place.

And the entire room reeks behind me.

Like it smelled like a garbage fire in there.

I still have no idea why security didn't pound on my door and go,

"What are you cooking in there?"

I would've been like, "sadness."

"Come on in. Take off your clothes. We're watching The Avengers."

Serial killers are pussies.

Yeah, I'm going to go from that to serial killers.

Stay with me, people covered in fake jizz.

[GROANS IN DISGUST]

Serial killers are pussies,

and I'll tell you why.

Because I've read about a lot of America's famous serial killers.

And most of them pick easy targets, in my eyes.

A lot of serial killers pick, like, prostitutes,

which I think are super easy to kill.

I'm guessing, just based on nothing.

We'll move on. Anyway...

Famous guys did that first. Some serial killers did that.

Then there's a guy like John Wayne Gacy.

John Wayne Gacy killed young men and little boys.

Fucking terrible,

but super easy, I'm guessing.

You just pull up in front of some school, and I could get nine at once.

Just be like, "Hey, guys, I got old Nintendo."

If you're like, "Old Nintendo's gay," I'm like "Shut up."

Just hanging out of a fucking white van,

just wearing a bloody apron and a hard on,

just fucking...

[GRUNTS]

Just playing whack-a-mole. "Get in the van."

Some teacher runs over, horrified, going, "Can I help you, sir?"

I'm like, "No, I've got this."

Horrifying, right? But easy targets.

One of my favorites, Ed Gein...

And nobody? Nobody's going to fucking give Ed Gein a little love?

Some heavy metal people, you know Ed Gein. Slayer wrote about Ed Gein.

Anyway, that dude killed his mom.

Oh, my God, it's so easy.

I could have killed my mom a million times.

I was just in Hawaii with my entire family.

I could have killed my mom 60 times in Hawaii,

just doing simple Mister Ed.

Like, "Hey, Mom, another one of those ABC stores."

And she'd be like, "Oh, I have to get a necklace for Karen."

Fucking... clunk,

stab, bury.

"Who the fuck is Karen?"

One of my favorites...

Yes, I have favorites. Come on.

I read some dark shit, you know.

I'm a metal kid.

I grew up on horror movies.

Richard Ramirez fucking terrified me when I was a teenager.

Fucking terrified me. The Night Stalker.

Yeah. He named himself after the AC/DC song, Night Prowler.

He couldn't even get two words right.

What a fucking chimp.

That dude, he would kill people in their sleep.

Super disturbing, but also fucking easy.

Like you wake up, and you're like...

"Hey, I don't know that skinny Mexican guy."

He's like "Stab, die, bye-bye. "

Fucking terrible.

And, by the way...

Uh...

AC/DC, if you know that song,

Night Prowler, is the last song on Highway to Hell.

That's the last song that Bon Scott recorded.

I mentioned Bon Scott earlier,

he's one of my heroes, I fucking love Bon Scott,

that's the last song he recorded.

And then, if you know, if you're a total AC/DC nerd like me,

the last thing he says at the end of that album,

Night Prowler ends, and then he...

because it's 1979 at the time, there's a popular show on TV.

He goes out of nowhere after a song about killing people,

he goes "Shazbot! Nanu nanu!"

'Cause fucking Mork&Mindy was the biggest shit ever then.

I mean, he doesn't know that's his last recorded words,

because he fucking died after that. And that's his last...

And I like to picture Richard Ramirez

sneaking into somebody's house,

and you wake up and you're like,

"What the fuck? You don't live here.

And he's like, "Shazbot! Nanu nanu!"

Fucking terrible.

But the point of this joke,

is that I think serial killers should kill people that are hard to kill.

All those people I mentioned earlier? Easy.

I think they should pick hard targets.

If there are any serial killers in here, odds are probably high,

at least one of you, pick people that are hard to kill.

Prove it to all of us, serial killer.

Like, kill a mixed martial arts guy.

I love mixed martial arts.

Clearly, I do not partake in MMA,

but I will watch the shit out of MMA,

if I can be sitting in my underwear, eating peanut butter out of a jar.

That looks super hard. Those gentlemen are really sweating.

Go after an MMA dude, go to fucking Home Depot

on a Sunday, climb out of your serial killer van,

you see a dude in a Ford pickup truck with a tap out sticker.

he's wearing the Affliction shirt...

Sure.

Yeah.

Dude's rocking a medium. He's really an XL,

but he likes the way the medium fits.

Shows all the shit he's been doing for the ladies.

Go up to that dude, pull up your serial killer van

and go. "Hey, get in the van! I'm a serial killer."

He'd be like, "I don't think so, brother."

I'd be like... [BLOWS RASPBERRY] Dead.

Or pick somebody really hard to kill.

Like fucking veterans.

Yes.

I love veterans.

You have the right reaction.

Like, "Dude, we're not going with you on that."

Like, "Shut the fuck up, Posehn. Don't make fun of veterans."

No, I'm not.

I fucking love veterans.

I know some badass veterans.

When I got out of high school, two of my best friends,

they joined the military, they went and did some shit they can't talk about.

And then I grabbed a microphone

and start yelling about my farts into it.

They are clearly the better men in this story.

What about your grandpa?

Came back from Korea, hasn't killed anybody in 60 years.

But he remembers how to.

And he's thought about it a lot.

Like, your grandma has come so close

to ruining Christmas

by saying one more thing.

Go up to Grandpa,

Thanksgiving morning. Wake up and go. "Hey, Grandpa.

"I just decided I'm a scary serial killer, and you're my first victim."

And he's like, "I don't think so, queer bait."

He pops out of his wheelchair

and fucking chokes you with his colostomy bag.

And the final thing you hear your grandfather say to you is

"You're gonna outdo me?

"outdo me, you fourth grade Jeffrey Dahmer.

"How are you gonna outdo me? I went to Korea."

"What are you gonna... Do your best, boy.

"You're going to cut my belly open?

"You're gonna turn my skull into a cereal bowl?"

"I don't think so. I went to Korea.

"I snuck out of a POW camp in a pile of dead bodies."

"I had to wear my best friend's skin for three days, 20 hours, 15 minutes and 45 seconds.

"What are you going to do to me?"

"I saw my general play Flight of the Bumblebee

"on a piano made entirely of the bones of 14 Korean boys.

"That's some scary shit.

"Now I'm choking you out with my colostomy bag

"and I'm going to bury you in turds,

"'cause that's what I think of you."

[CROWD CHEERING]

[ALL APPLAUDING]

I love you, Grandpa.

So balls are disgusting.

Um...

I think balls are gross. I mentioned them earlier.

My balls are terrifying to look at.

But I think all balls are nasty.

Like, if you look at a little boy's balls...

Ask him first, and don't get weird on me.

Seriously. I shot jizz on you. Well, I didn't.

Two dudes came out, shot jizz on you.

I just did a serial killer joke where veterans fucking strangled their grandson.

And then I started a joke about kids and you guys tighten up.

I have a little boy.

[LAUGHTER']

No, no, I know, it's got weird.

He's my son.

I realize it's super important to make that distinction,

when you look like me.

You cannot run around with a face like this attached to your body,

yelling, "I have a little boy."

People get super question-y and arrest-y and shit.

I do.

He's my son.

My wife and I made him from our parts.

He's six years old. He just turned six.

Yeah, come on.

[ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

He's awesome.

We made it to six. Like if you're a parent,

you know, that's like a big accomplishment.

Like "We didn't kill him. He made it to six!"

Because that first year, especially that first year when you have that baby,

every time you hold that baby, you're like, "Oh, My God, don't fucking die!

"My God, don't die. When I set you down, don't die.

"Don't die while I feed you.

"While Mommy's at work, don't die.

"That's probably most important."

Like if we're going to make one big rule, "Don't die on my shift."

How about that?

That worked out, he made it to six.

And he's... I love him, man.

He's a badass.

And he's fucking hilarious and he's nude all the time.

Yeah, it's like living with a little crazy nudist.

Naked dude most of the time just running around, dong out.

The only reason

my son wears clothes

is it's required by law when you bring a child

to California Pizza Kitchen,

that they cover their nuts.

If he could be balls out at the fucking CPK, he would.

I know that about him.

I get it. I would too.

Nude all the time.

He teabagged me.

[FAINT LAUGHTER]

Yeah.

And not the political way.

In case there's old people here.

No, no, balls in mouth. He teabagged me.

Yeah.

Oh, you thought it was the other kind of teabagging?

No.

Balls in mouth.

The worst way to wake up, by the way.

Yeah, and I've woken up some shitty shitty ways

in my 49 years of waking up every goddamn day.

I grew up in California like a lot of you.

I've woken up to earthquakes, fucking terrifying.

Grab your weed and you run out of the house.

When I was 17,

my mom kicked me out of the house because I was a dick.

She was right. I was a giant dick.

Moved in with my German grandfather in Sacramento.

He was a bigger dick than me.

That's where I inherited my dickishness.

While I lived with my grandfather, he had one simple request,

and that was this, that I get a job while I lived with him.

Not an unreasonable request by any stretch,

but the way he went about it was super uncool.

He would wake me if I slept past 9:30.

He would wake me by pouring water on my face.

One morning I missed the first wake up call,

slept through it, now it's 10:05.

My grandfather has dragged a hose into the house,

I swear to God, turns the hose on me.

I wake up thinking the world was ending,

and had to clean up the fucking mess my grandfather made.

Still not as bad as having five-year old balls dragged across the sleeping mouth.

My son teabagged me, you guys.

I cannot put too fine a point on this.

It's not like he knew what he was doing.

It wasn't out of maliciousness at all.

He was five at the time.

He never played Halo. You know what I mean?

He's never been on Xbox Live at 02:00 in the morning,

going, "Fuck you, noob! Ha-ha!"

But he fucking knew what to do.

And the true story is, this is what really happened,

he was just trying to climb over me...

so he could wake up my wife,

I swear to God,

so they could wish me a "Happy Father's Day."

[CROWD LAUGHING]

Yes.

-[APPLAUSE] -Oh, you're right.

Worst Father's Day ever, by the way,

because when you wake up with your little boy's balls in your mouth,

that day does not suddenly turn awesome.

That day is ruined.

The Guitar Center gift certificate

and fucking happy-face "Dad! Dad!" pancakes

are not going to turn that shit around.

That day is a botch, in D&D terms.

He'll be like 25, and I'll be like,

"Thanks for ruining Father's Day, dick."

He'll be like "I don't remember."

I'll be like, "I fucking do."

But he's my best friend.

You know, I don't mean to be corny, but it's true.

And if my best friend from college,

had put his balls in my mouth,

I wouldn't be here.

I would still be in San Quentin for biting off my best friend's balls with my fucking mouth.

[APPLAUSE]

Yes.

But since my current best friend came from these balls,

it's adorable.

You guys are so fucking awesome, man! Thanks so much!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Dude, you fucking killed it.

Dude, it was so fucking wild.

They were awesome, man.

Where did you get those angels?

What angels?

[ANGELS MOANING]