Original subtitles

I'm so sick of these interviews. Can't we just pick someone?

Charlie, this is an important job.

The mayor's counting on us to find the right man.

To me they're all just a bunch of suits. Next.

Hi. Bob Rogers.

Applying for the position of city hall Santa.

So, Bob, I've checked your r sum...

In fact, I've checked it twice.

Good one.

I'm not kidding. A lot of these bastards have been lying.

So, why should you be our Santa?

Every Christmas, I take a break

from running my advertising agency to work with children.

It's my way of giving back.

That is so sweet.

You're sweet for saying it's so sweet.

I think we know what Santa wants for Christmas.

Ah, Charlie, we've just won a hard-fought election,

starting a new term... You know what that means.

You're off to Tahiti for a month?

No. Well, yes.

But also it means that it's time for you to step up

and assume more responsibility.

You want me to book your flight?

No. Well, yes.

But, I've got an important assignment for you.

An office has become available and I want you to choose

between Caitlin, Stuart, Carter, and Paul.

Wow, sir, that sounds really tough.

I'll need to use all my experience, political savvy,

and four straws of different lengths.

Oh, you think that

giving an office away is easy.

I'll have an answer for you by lunch.

I need you to do staff evaluations

and then give the office to the person who's doing the best job.

Fine.

Here's a little tip.

I wouldn't let the staff know that you're evaluating them.

Sir, I think I can handle it.

Okay.

Morning, Paul.

Hey.

Everything going all right?

You know, with the work and whatnot?

Oh, my God, I'm being evaluated, aren't I?

- No! No! - Guys! Guys!

We're being evaluated! Quick, look busy!

Look busy! Look busy!

Look busy! Get out!

Carter, you have to help me.

This morning, I said I'd go on a date with that Santa over there.

- Which one? - The one with the big package.

So, what's the problem?

I haven't seen him without his Santa suit,

and I can't date a guy if I don't know what he looks like.

I can relate. At a Halloween party,

I hit it off with a guy dressed as a lesbian biker.

Turned out it was actually a lesbian biker.

Wait, if she was a lesbian, why was she flirting with you?

I was dressed as LA toya Jackson.

- Hey. - Stuart, Michelle.

What'd you guys do last night?

I bought her a few drinks, laid down the charm,

next thing you know, she's checking into

the love suite at casa de Stuart.

Or you had dinner with your girlfriend and went home.

Sounds better my way.

Stuart, can I see you, please?

Wow, you guys are being evaluated?

I'll be back in a minute.

Michelle, you and Stuart seem really happy together.

He won't have sex with me.

Sure he will. Just smile at him.

His clothes will fly right off.

I'm serious, Carter. I'm getting less action than you did

that summer you were into m.C. Hammer pants.

Wow, this is serious.

I thought you guys were clicking.

A few weeks ago, we had the most romantic weekend,

and ever since then, nothing.

I mean, I don't know if I'm doing something wrong,

but I know I would really like for things to work out.

- Will you talk to him for me? - I don't know.

Stuart and I haven't discussed his love life since we moved in together.

- Because he's a gentleman? - Because I had it written into the lease.

- Please, Carter. - That's kind of asking a lot.

You asked me to carry your child.

Okay, but then we're even.

I'm pretty close to a decision.

I'm guessing you chose Caitlin.

Seems like a good choice.

But she does have the least seniority around here.

Could turn the whole office staff against you.

I know that. I'm not an idiot.

Another choice could be Carter or Paul, but they already have offices.

So it's a no-brainer. You gotta go with Stuart.

That's exactly what I thought.

But you can't.

Legally, Stuart's not allowed to be in a room

with a door that closes.

Right. The tour group incident.

Anyway, I'm sure you'll make the right choice.

- A walk in the park. - Mm-hmm.

I'm putting together a collage for our Christmas party.

You wouldn't happen to have a picture of yourself, would you?

You know what? I think so.

Great.

A Halloween party.

I was Batman.

Stuart, we don't talk about sex enough.

Is there anything you want to tell me?

It's 1977.

I'm in the parking lot of a kiss concert in Davenport, Iowa.

I'm in my ace frehley makeup when these two groupie chicks pull me into their van.

Six months, two bottles of penicillin later, I run into them again...

Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!

Michelle told me

that you guys aren't having sex. Is that true?

I'm having less sex than you were

when you were in your arsenio haircut phase.

I made some bad style choices.

Would people let it go?

What's going on? You don't want to be with her anymore?

No, I do, it's just that...

A couple of weeks ago, we went away for a romantic weekend,

and she said, I love you, and I kind of said it back.

- That's great. - No, it's not.

I'm not used to having sex with someone I love.

Sex can be a beautiful expression of love.

Not the way I do it.

You and Michelle are my two best friends.

I want this to work out. You gotta talk to her.

No, talking never works.

I'm just gonna have to suck it up and sleep with her...

Even if she does love me.

All right, guys, listen up.

As you may have noticed, I've been evaluating you all.

- No. - Really?

I don't believe it.

Evaluations are so degrading.

You sit on your mountaintop

deciding who's going to get Charlie's little crumbs of praise.

Well, let me tell you something.

The last thing in the world I care about is your approval.

You did well, Paul.

Charlie likes me.

In fact, you all did well.

The thing is, an office has just been vacated,

and I was supposed to assign it to one of you.

- This is about an office? - What is the big deal?

I'm perfectly happy where I am right now.

I knew it would be easy to work it out with you guys.

Let's go take a look at it.

[CHOIR]* hallelujah *

it's beautiful. What a view!

Are those mahogany built-ins?

You mean behind the wet bar?

- It's mine. - No, I want it.

[STUART] Why should she get it?

- [PAUL] Where does this door go? - [TOILET FLUSHES]

Jackpot!

Enjoying your walk in the park?

[* BANJO]

Stuart. Stuart.

S'up?

What the hell are you doing?

I'm listening to some banjo music.

It motivates me.

To what? Paddle away from people with no teeth?

It says right here, in the city hall manual,

"employees may listen to music in their office."

But you don't have an office.

What are we gonna do about that?

It says I can dance, too.

Stuart, you are acting very immature.

We all want that office, but it's Charlie's decision

and we have to respect that.

Thank you, Caitlin.

So when can I move my stuff in?

Why would you assume that I'd give you the office?

Based on my evaluations, everyone's pretty equal.

We're not equal in all ways,

if you... Catch my meaning.

- You got something in your eye? - Yes, your hot bod.

All I'm saying is I think I can give you something that they can't.

I won't... Ever,

but I could.

See you later, Caitlin.

I know how things work in big-time politics,

so let's just call this a down payment on the office.

This is ten dollars.

I know. I'll need five back.

Okay, maybe "I won't... Ever" was too strong.

The truth is, if you came to me with a proposition,

I would seriously consider it.

Okay. Do you want to come by my place tonight?

Not a chance.

It didn't work this time, but tomorrow,

you come by my new office, ask again,

- and you might get a... - [DOOR SLAMS]

Carter,

am I glad to see you.

Everybody's driving me crazy.

I never imagined the lengths people would go to

to manipulate me for an office.

Well, Charlie, I would never manipulate you.

- I appreciate that. - I'm gonna blackmail you.

Remember when you told everyone

you were quarterback for your college football team?

- Yeah. - I did a little research...

...and I came across this.

- Funny... doesn't look like you. - No, it doesn't.

But this does.

I broke my wrist freshman year

and I needed access to the cheerleaders.

Watch what happens next.

That was just during a timeout.

You should see what happened when we scored a touchdown.

Very impressive, Charlie.

But I think what people are gonna remember

is you moonwalking to Billie Jean during halftime.

When you finish the tape, drop it off... at my new office.

- And what if I say no? - Oh, I know you're gonna make the right decision, Charlie...

Because you've got spirit!

This friend insists I look like Cameron Diaz,

and every time I see her, she's like, "Cameron Diaz!"

- Do your friends think you look like anyone? - Oh, yeah.

- Oh, really? Who? - My dad.

Oh. Do you find him sexy?

- Hey, Carter. - Hey.

I did a little digging

and found out that you were a synchronized swimming champion.

I don't think you'd be too happy if people saw this picture of you.

Ah, no, I wouldn't.

That's why I like to show them this one.

How do I fight a man who has no shame?

That's nice.

You like that, don't you?

Yes, I do.

I love you.

- Ow! - What?

Oh, my hamstring! It's cramping up.

Is there anything I can do?

It's pretty bad. Maybe I should take you to the airport.

- Let me massage it. - No, no, no. No, no, no!

Only Carter does that. Carter, get out here, quick!

What? What?

I need you to rub my thighs.

Look, I know you guys are having some problems,

and as much as I'd like to give you a little kick-start,

I think we'd all regret it in the morning.

This is ridiculous. I am going to bed.

I tried, but I couldn't do it.

Who am I kidding?

A guy like me just isn't meant to be with a woman like Michelle.

Stuart,

there is a reason Michelle wants to be with you.

If you can't see it that way, you're gonna wind up the same loser you think you are.

I refuse to be psychoanalyzed

by a man wearing a nightgown.

This is a classic French sleeping shirt.

And it's unisex!

All right, guys. New plan.

I've been racking my brain trying to decide between you,

but then I just realized I don't have to.

I'm gonna let you all decide for yourselves.

Great idea. I pick me.

All those in favor, stare at me and look hostile.

It's unanimous.

I'm gonna go to my office now,

and within five minutes, I want you to tell me who deserves it the most.

Otherwise, nobody gets it.

We have all been acting like real jerks.

We've compromised our principles for a silly office.

Caitlin's right.

I'm gonna go tell him I don't want it.

One sucker down.

Don't you see what's happening?

Carter's the good guy, so Charlie gives him the office.

Oh, even I wouldn't stoop to that level.

- No office is worth that. - You're right.

- I don't want it. - I don't, either!

- Yes! - What?

You played mind games with me, I played a mind game on you.

You don't want it, you don't want it, you don't want it.

That means there's only one guy left, and I know he wants it.

The office goes to...

I don't want it.

- I do! I do! I'm back in! - So am I.

- So am I. - What happened?

[INDISTINCT ARGUING]

Sir, you were right. I can't do this.

In the past day, I've been bribed,

I've been blackmailed. One of you even offered to sleep with me.

You slut!

The mayor asked me to make a simple decision,

and the reason I couldn't do it is because you're my friends

and I didn't want to choose between you.

But now I don't want to give it to any of you!

And by the way,

I was a male cheerleader,

and the chicks loved it!

Wow, that is sexy.

Tell me about it.

Charlie was right, we've all been acting really selfish.

- We should tell the mayor it wasn't his fault. - I'll go tell him.

Whoa. Why should you be the one to go tell him?

Well, clearly I'm the most...

...good-speaking guy.

I'll go.

[INDISTINCT ARGUING]

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Well, yeah, sure.

Listen, it's obvious that we have a problem,

and you don't want to work through it, so I'm leaving.

You know, the last couple days

I've been asking myself,

what am I doing wrong?

And then it hit me.

Nothing.

You're the one acting like a big jerk.

You're right. I'm sorry.

I have totally put myself out there for you

and you've given me nothing.

You make me sick.

Really?

You are shallow, selfish and immature.

Maybe I need to be disciplined.

Maybe you do.

Maybe we should go somewhere and talk about this.

Maybe you shouldn't talk, until I give you permission.

- Oh, God, you're hot. - You're hot.

- I love you. - Shut up, worm!

What are you doing?

The Christmas party is starting.

I'm not in the mood.

You were right.

I couldn't do a simple job.

Well, you had to choose between your friends. That's never easy.

When I was a young man, I had to choose one of my peers to be on the honor council.

The decision was going to change someone's life.

So I took a little walk, cleared my mind.

You know what happened?

You wound up in bed

with a sorority girl at Wellesley college?

How'd you know that?

That's how all your stories end.

Remember when I told you the best way to evaluate someone

was not to let them know that you're doing it?

Well, I've been evaluating you, Charlie.

And you passed with flying colors.

Why? I couldn't even give away a stupid office.

The staff just came to me and said it was their fault

that you couldn't give the office away, and that they

would rather not have it if it was going to reflect poorly on you.

They rallied around you, Charlie,

and that's the sign of a true leader.

Wow, sir. Thank you.

We have a lot of work to do this new term,

and you're the guy I want by my side.

And I can't wait to roll up my sleeves and get started.

You mean after you get back from Tahiti?

I'm sorry, was that not clear?

By the by, that full-squad victory flip

you did in there... ...quite impressive.

How did you know what it's called?

Yale pep squad, 1968.

Split 'em in half! Split 'em in half! When? Now!

- Sir... are you all right? - What, are you kidding? I'm fantastic.

- Can I help you up? - Oh, nonsense.

I can sit like this for hours.

No, you just run along and have a good time.

Just take me straight to the hospital.

So, ready for our big date?

Oh, you know, Bob, I have a lot of work to do and...

It can totally wait until tomorrow. Let's go.

I can't tell you how good it feels to get out of this suit.

Aren't you gonna take out the pillow?

There's no pillow.

This baby's all Bob!

Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

[BARKING]

Moo.