Original subtitles

It is election day, and millions of new yorkers

will be casting their votes for mayor.

It is shaping up to be one of the tightest races in years,

and nyl recently spoke with advisors from both camps.

The Winston administration is a joke that's gone on too long.

Nancy Wheeler is incompetent.

She has no business being in politics.

Harsh words from those two.

I'd hate to see what would happen

if you put them in the same room together.

The polls open in one hour.

We should get going.

Have you seen my boxers?

Oh, I'm wearing them.

Have you seen my thong?

Guys, guys, talk to me.

Early exit polls are projecting

a 12-point victory for the mayor.

We're expecting record voter turnout

in the Bronx. That should be good for us.

Right.

We should be talking about this in the war room.

Okay, go.

Isn't this the bullpen?

Does the bullpen

usually have a color-coded map or a red phone?

No.

Thank you.

Couldn't we just call it the bullpen

and acknowledge the new phone and map?

Guys, just give me the war room.

Okay, it's the war room.

Now, this is the hot phone.

It is to be used strictly

for election-related emergencies.

[TELEPHONE BUZZES]

Here we go. Carter, grab that.

I'm on it. Heywood. Go.

No, I fell asleep. Did you tape it?

I'll call you back.

Paul, Paul, what are you doing?

You should be on your way to the senior center

in forest hills to explain the new ballot.

And remember, many of them are hard of hearing.

Why did I get picked to do that?

No reason.

Caitlin.

What are you doing? Having a bagel.

Good. Put some cream cheese on that.

Charlie, calm down.

I've set up the mayor's press conference,

and I've already briefed him. Everything's taken care of.

I know. I'm sorry. I'm just a little nervous.

I really want to win this thing.

I know. We all do.

Look, I got you a little present.

It's a picture of the staff at your birthday party.

Read the inscription.

"Four more years"?

I don't want this. We haven't won yet.

There's still a million things that can go wrong.

Charlie, I always say if you think positively

about something, you can make it happen.

Not that.

[SIGHS]

Ha ha ha. Hi. Hi.

[WHISPERS] Where do we stand on proposition 48?

[WHISPERS] Against.

What about 37?

[WHISPERS] For.

Wheeler or Winston?

Just kidding.

Hey, stranger.

Want to join the voting booth club?

I'm already a member.

Want to join the over-behind-that-table club?

I would, but Wheeler's on her way in.

Guess you'll have to wait till tonight

in my hotel room.

How can you have a relationship

based entirely on sex?

Our secret...

lack of communication.

Ah...

Charlie, Caitlin, I've got some big news.

I'm going to ask Claire to be my wife.

Oh, my God! That's so amazing!

Why do women go nuts when they hear anything about marriage?

That's not true.

I got her a 4-carat ring...

Oh, my God! That's so romantic!

And I put it in a fortune cookie,

and I'm going to surprise her today at lunch.

Sir, you are on a very tight schedule.

Don't worry, Charlie. We have a comfortable lead.

I'm going to win my second term as mayor,

and I'm going to do it with my fiancée by my side.

I said "fiancée."

Oh, sorry. Oh, my God!

Good morning. My name is Paul lassiter.

Hey, uh, we can hear, you know?

Yeah, yeah. Certainly.

Now, as you can see,

each candidate's name is clearly marked on the ballot.

There's mayor Randall Winston.

Below him is Nancy Wheeler,

and below her, krazy Kenny Cooper,

who has pledged to spend his entire term

on rollerblades.

Now, if you want to vote for Randall Winston,

just punch the box

like this.

I-I'm sorry. Not... not the box.

The box on the left, like that. Yes.

On your left or our left? It's...

it's my left. My left, it would be your right. Hold on. Wait a minute. Yes.

Your right, but it's the box on the left.

Which one is it? Yours. Mine.

Um, okay, you know what?

I'm going to call the red phone

just to double-check.

I mean, can you believe it?

The whole time, he was cheating on Steve.

[BUSY SIGNAL]

Remember...

Not this box. This box.

You get the picture.

So what's the big surprise?

Patience, my dear.

Oh, somebody wrote on my poster.

Excuse me. What do these characters mean?

It says, "Winston is a man of great wisdom

and has the strength of 10 tigers."

What can I say? They love me.

Follow me.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm taking donations to help build

a community center for underprivileged children.

That sounds like a worthy cause.

$100, $200...

Sorry. Only got the big boys.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Why don't we start with a fortune cookie?

They're for dessert. Open it.

I think you'll find the contents very interesting.

Randall, this is amazing.

[CHUCKLES]

I do love to travel.

What'd you do with my cookie?

Oh, my God. I don't believe it.

Yes.

Yes, I will marry you.

That's mine.

Oh, thank God.

Claire,

I'd given up on trying to find true happiness,

but since...

since you've come into my life,

you've filled it with such romance and joy...

Claire, will you be my wife?

You'll make me the happiest man on earth

if you just say that one magic word.

No.

That's not it. Try again.

Randall...

I've loved our time together,

but I can't marry you.

Why not?

'Cause you're the mayor of New York. Yeah?

I don't want to live my life in the press.

I mean, let's face it...

you're never going to be able to draw the line

between politician and husband.

I categorically deny that accusation.

You're doing it right now.

You can't be honest with people.

You just say what you think they want to hear.

Um...

It's just not meant to be.

I'm just not ready to get married.

Save it. We're through.

[PLINK]

Here he comes, guys. Get ready.

Congratulations!

She said no and walked out of my life.

Who needs her?

What happened?

She doesn't want to marry a politician.

She says we're all dishonest.

Well, I wasn't the one faking orgasms.

Well, there was that one time, but I was tired.

Charlie, maybe she's right.

Maybe I need to start being more honest.

Uh, sir, you seem really upset. Maybe you shouldn't do this press conference.

No, I'm fine, Charlie. Let's... let's go.

Ah. Here's the mayor.

Hi.

Ha ha.

Listen, I'm sorry I was late.

I had a very important meeting with...

no one.

The truth is I just got dumped,

and I was sitting in my office

staring out the window listening to light jazz.

[REPORTERS MURMURING]

Sir, what are you doing?

Being honest for a change, and it feels right.

I know. It's wrong... very wrong.

Mr. mayor, you promised to modernize all subway cars

without raising transit fares. How can you do both?

I can't. I lied.

Good one, sir.

Ha ha. Good election day joke.

Ha ha ha ha.

Please stop.

Look, come on, we all know that's the way the game works.

I tell you what you want to hear,

I get four more years in the mansion,

and then I just do the best I can.

So...

Next question.

Yeah, we're having trouble hearing you, sir.

Let me check your microphone.

Ah.

Here's the problem.

No, no, no, no, no. When the mayor said he was raising taxes,

he was talking about his foster child...

Cynthia taxes.

Yes, he's going to raise her until she's 12% old.

Hello?

Bad news.

Now Wheeler's leading by 2,000 votes.

Oh, there's got to be something we can do.

Charlie, the polls are closed.

All we can do now is wait and try to remain calm.

Oh, my God! Aah! We're losing!

We're all going to be out of a job.

I'm not qualified to do anything else.

I can barely do this.

I can't believe I said all those things to the press.

I was so distraught over Claire,

I let my emotions affect my judgment.

Sir, now that you and Claire have broken up,

I just have to wonder...

How was she?

Another time.

Look, the election is not over yet.

She's right. Two districts still haven't reported...

Chinatown, which is pro-Wheeler,

and forest hills, which is pro-Winston.

If we do well in forest hills, we've still got a shot.

STUART: Hey, look, they got an update.

In a shocking election night development,

the forest hills district has just been won

by a fringe candidate known as krazy Kenny Cooper.

Apparently, this was the result of confusion over the ballot.

Some jerk came down here to explain the ballot.

Mark the left, mark the right...

we didn't know what the hell was going on.

The Winston administration has to be asking themselves, what went wrong?

Wow.

Krazy Kenny must have really gotten his message across.

What are you doing?

It's over.

I was so stupid to get my hopes up.

I'm going to go see Jennifer.

Of course. Take the easy way out.

Oh, hey, guys.

Look, before I go make my concession speech,

it would mean a lot to me

if we could gather here for a toast.

We'd love to, sir.

You know, when I was a teenager,

my grandfather, on his deathbed,

gave me a rare bottle of champagne.

His only request

was that I save it for a special moment

and share it with the people that I love.

And you saved it for this moment with us?

No, I drank it that night in the woods,

but this stuff's pretty good, too.

You know...

We've accomplished a lot in our time here.

We should be very proud.

Tonight, at least we'll all be together.

I'll see you later.

Charlie, you can't just leave.

He wants us around for the toast.

Why, so we can all sit around

and be miserable together?

The job's done. There's nothing left to say.

How about "goodbye"?

How about "here's what you meant to me"?

Caitlin, I'm not married to these people. I just work with them.

Charlie, you can't treat these people

like they're one of your shallow relationships.

They mean more to you than that.

And these people need you right now,

and whether you want to admit it or not,

you need them, too.

You mean these people?

I'd like 50 large pizzas delivered

to Nancy Wheeler's campaign headquarters.

These guys are going to feel so stupid. Yeah.

My credit card number is 4071...

0022...

I'm outta here.

I know today must have been upsetting for you,

so if you need some time before we jump into bed,

I understand.

Well, thanks. It might help.

Okay. I'm good.

Let's get set up here.

Advil?

Knee brace?

Safety goggles?

At my age,

I need the same equipment for racquetball and sex.

Oh, what's this?

Oh, Caitlin must have put that in there.

It's a picture of me and my staff

from my birthday dinner.

Anyway...

Let's get started.

That advil ain't going to last forever.

Ha ha.

Did I tickle you?

No, I was just thinking about the time

that the mayor wanted to close down a strip club

and Stuart chained himself to the brass pole.

Let's not talk about Stuart right now.

If I remember correctly,

he made 50 bucks in tips.

Do you want to fool around,

or do you want to talk about your friends all night?

You're right.

You deserve my full attention.

Ooh. That's better.

Ha ha ha.

Now what?

I'm just thinking about the time

that Paul tried to breed pigeons.

Okay. What's going on?

I'm sorry. My mind is somewhere else right now.

Well, you're sort of freaking me out.

You're freaked out? We're about to have sex,

and all I can think about is Paul.

Where are you going?

I need to be with those guys right now.

Charlie, you don't really want to walk out that door.

You think you know me, but you don't.

You don't know what makes me tick.

That's a very good guess.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[LAUGHING]

Hey, it worked.

Did you do this? We may have to leave the place,

but it doesn't mean we have to make it easy on the new guys.

I krazy glued some phones,

took some keys off a few keyboards.

Pretty good stuff, huh?

You realize we still have to work here

for a few more weeks.

Really?

Don't drink the coffee.

Well...

I can't believe this is it.

Wonder where we'll all be in a year.

I know where I'll be...

out of politics, living in Vermont.

I'll settle down in a quiet little village,

maybe buy an old rundown cabin,

and I'll fix it up with my own hands

and convert it into an adult bookstore.

Wonder what I'll be doing.

Probably working a 9:00 to 5:00 job,

making a midlevel salary with little hope of promotion.

Really? Thanks, Carter.

Ugh!

Oh, this coffee is weak.

Ha ha. Gotcha.

All right, everybody, let's grab a glass.

Where's Charlie?

Oh, um, he had a personal thing he couldn't get out of.

Oh, that's too bad.

Well, our time here is coming to an end,

but the good news is

now we can start making some real money.

I mean, I don't know what your publishers are telling you,

but I'm looking at a 7-figure book deal.

Thanks, sir. I'll remember that

when they're repossessing my television.

You know, in our time here,

we have given the citizens of New York

less crime, cleaner streets, and much better quality of life,

but when I look back on this administration,

the thing that I'm going to miss the most

is working with all of you.

Hold on, sir.

Something's going on.

In a surprising turn of events,

the pro-Wheeler district of Chinatown

has seen a sudden surge of votes for Winston.

In fact, the mayor has become so popular there,

they've decided to name a new community center after him.

Why do they like you so much in Chinatown?

They're obviously responding to my strong leadership.

Sir...

Is that little girl holding your 4-carat engagement ring?

Oh, my God! It's so beautiful!

Leadership, $100,000 ring...

who cares what they're responding to?

The point is, I'm their guy.

There you have it. In a nail-biter of an election,

Randall Winston is re-elected mayor.

[ALL CHEERING]

Mayor Winston, would you care to comment

on your amazing comeback?

Sorry, the mayor doesn't have anything prepared.

Oh, no, I've done this a million times.

I can handle this.

Sorry, I don't have anything prepared.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Hey, Charlie, did you hear?

Wait, wait, wait.

I have something I want to say.

But, Charlie... Carter, please.

I need to get this out.

Usually when a job ends,

I just take off without saying goodbye.

No, no, Charlie, what... sir, please. I'm sorry.

But you people are...

you're too important to me.

Let's get this.

And since we're not going to be seeing each other

much longer, I want you all to know how I feel.

We should tell him.

My parents... they never encouraged me

to express myself emotionally.

Never mind.

I don't want to be that guy anymore.

If I ran out on you tonight,

it's because I couldn't stand the thought of losing you.

Bottom line, I...

I, uh...

CARTER: Go ahead, Charlie. You can say it.

I love you guys.

There.

I said it.

It wasn't easy,

but you're the only people in the world

I'd be comfortable enough to say that in front of.

Do you guys have any idea how much you mean to me?

Earlier tonight, I was in bed with a beautiful woman,

and all I could think about was this guy.

Thanks, buddy.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Charlie, we won.

We won?

Okay, nothing I said leaves this room.

It's a little late for that.

I hate you guys.

[ALL LAUGH]

[TELEPHONE BUZZES]

Ha ha! Gotcha!

Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

(BARKING)

Moo.