Original subtitles

Are you reading the personals again?

Listen to this one... "rubenesque, vivacious siren

seeks gallant emissary of passion."

Hmm, fat chick bought a thesaurus.

Oh, my God.

She sounds so lame.

[COUGHING]

You have a girlfriend, Stuart.

Why are you reading the personals?

Sometimes I just like to call the woman

with the most pathetic ad

just to give her a ray of hope.

And they gave Gandhi the nobel prize.

Here we go. "Gorgeous natural blonde,

sexy and very single.

If you're a man, please call."

I think we have a winner.

Stuart, this is totally immature.

Put it on speakerphone.

I can't believe there are women who are that desperate.

[CELLULAR PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Caitlin?

Stuart?

Caitlin...

Ooh. Um... Guys, this is just a big mistake.

Tell me about it.

[CHUCKLING] Natural blonde?

Your mother placed a personal ad for you?

She does this every few months

because she's dying for me to find a husband.

But I just end up getting calls from creepy guys.

Why don't you just tell your mother to butt out of your life?

Every time I do, I end up feeling guilty.

She's never gonna get off my back

until I end up in a relationship.

You know what? I will just invent a lover.

I have some experience with that.

She said invent, not inflate.

Never mind.

Thanks, mark. I appreciate your endorsement.

Say hi to britt and the kids.

It's great seeing you.

God, I can't stand that guy.

But I'm gonna win this election

because I am an endorsement machine.

Sir, your next meeting is with the council of rabbis,

and after that, with the city liquor commission.

Gotcha. Jews, then booze.

Stuart, my friend got me tickets to the hottest show in town.

You want to go with me?

No way. The last time you said that,

I wound up being pressed between a bunch of sweaty men

listening to a wham! Cover band.

Do you not have my number?!

Suit yourself, Stuart.

I was gonna take you to the Victoria's secret fashion show.

Charlie, you want to go with me to the Victoria's secret...

yes.

You got to take me to the fashion show.

Why is it so important?

I have five goals in life.

Four of them can happen there.

I'm sorry, Stuart. I already asked Charlie.

Oh. How'd you score tickets anyway?

Oh, this friend of mine's kid sister has connections.

In fact, she's on her way up now.

She's always had a crush on me.

Used to follow me around like a puppy dog,

but never really had it in the looks department.

Hi, Paul.

Hey ya, rhea.

Wow, you look great.

Here we go.

Do you have any idea who that is?

Yeah, it's Joey durham's little sister.

That's rhea durham... a Victoria's secret cover girl.

She's a smoking-hot supermodel!

I don't see it.

Come on, rhea.

I'll let you tag along with me to the canteen.

But if any of my buddies are there,

you pretend you don't know me.

Mom? Honey!

Oh, this is a surprise. What are you doing in town?

Your cousin Marsha's wedding is tonight.

Marsha's getting married? Why didn't you tell me?

I thought it would be awkward

since you're the last single girl in the family.

I am not the last single girl.

What about cousin Judy with the gland problem?

She found someone... a doctor.

I wanted to spare you the embarrassment,

so I told everybody that you're in rehab.

How could you tell people that?

I feel so humiliated.

What about me?

Do you think it was easy

pretending to put my little girl in rehab?

I'm sorry.

So where's this new boyfriend of yours?

New boyfriend?

Oh, look, mom, there's something I got to tell you.

Not another breakup.

Why can't you hang onto a man?

This is just what happened with you and John Davis.

He had such a bright future,

but, no, you didn't know how to make him happy.

We were 11.

Why do you always assume the worst?

I'll have you know, I didn't get dumped.

Well, when do I get to meet him?

Right now.

Mom, this is my boyfriend.

Whoa, whoa. Wait a second.

Mo-o-o-m!

Oh.

How was last night's meeting with the teamsters?

Oh, I didn't get home till 6:30 in the morning.

All night it was, "you can't leave, buddy.

Pay for another round."

"Don't go, big guy. Dinner's on you."

"Stick around, chief. Give me $100."

Those guys love me.

Sir, bad news.

The teachers' union is on the verge of endorsing Wheeler.

If we lose them, we're in trouble.

Our only shot is for you to meet with their representative

this afternoon and get her to change her mind.

I'm on a roll. Let's do it.

Sir, you're operating on two hours of sleep.

That's, like, 15 hours less than you're used to.

Charlie, I do some of my best work without rest.

One time in college, I aced my calculus final

on one hour's sleep.

You told me you bought the answers from Bobby Goldstein.

On one hour's sleep.

And then this wave came and ripped my bikini top off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Great story.

Listen...

I'm really busy, rhea. I better get back to work.

Hey, would you autograph this picture

of me modeling the miracle bra?

Fine.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I just realized something. You did?

Yeah, my "p's" look like "r's."

No wonder everyone at the bank keeps calling me Raul.

After working together for a while,

Charlie and I realized we were more than friends.

I am just crazy about him.

Hey, guys, this is my friend rhea.

Charlie, she got us the Victoria's secret tickets.

It's going to be so much fun.

I'll bring you backstage and introduce you to all the models.

Well, that sounds... ugh!

[VOICE STRAINED] I can't.

Why not? I don't like models.

I like Caitlin.

Besides, Charlie's got a family wedding to go to tonight.

Did I forget to mention that, honey?

Yes, you did, muffinhead.

Would you excuse us for a moment?

Family wedding?

I can't go to a family wedding tonight.

Why not?

Because the models need me.

Fine. Then you go tell my mother.

I will. I'm not afraid of her.

[DOOR OPENS]

I have to go rent a tux.

Pictures are at 6:00.

I am so lucky to be with you.

You look really sexy in that tux.

I thought you might feel that way, so...

[CLEARS THROAT]

...I got us a room upstairs.

Charlie, I'm just pretending for my relatives.

Me too.

This is a pretend key to a $400 nonrefundable suite.

Charlie, just stay focused.

Sorry. I'm not used to being with a woman who's faking it.

Keep telling yourself that.

I need a drink.

There's a lot at stake here. I don't want you drinking.

Give me that. Give me the drink.

Give me the scotch!

[GASPS] Just put it down, dear.

You're tearing this family apart.

Look, I don't want to be here any more than you do,

so let's try and get through the night without any incidents,

and my mother will be off my back.

Hey, Caitlin.

Who's this guy?

Stevie, this is Charlie, my new boyfriend.

Charlie, this is my cousin Stevie.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Here's the deal, porkchop.

Caitlin's my favorite cousin.

If you hurt her in any way, I will hit you so hard

it'll knock the product out of your hair.

You know where I'm coming from?

I'm guessing a small room above your parents' garage?

[LAUGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Sweet kid.

Charlie, my mother's all alone. Go ask her to dance.

You know I hate dancing.

Oh, come on. Just one.

Yeah, I guess I can handle this.

May I have this dance?

Of course.

MAN: Okay, party animals, let's boogie!

[CONGA PLAYS]

You know, I thought being here

would make me feel nervous and overwhelmed,

but I'm strangely at peace.

I am now certain that there is a benevolent higher being.

I no longer fear death.

I felt the same way when I saw the dalai lama.

Grow up.

Hey, Paul.

Hey ya, rhea.

Oh, God, it's time to get this over with.

If you break up with her now,

there's gonna be a lot of screaming and crying,

and I don't want the models to see me like that.

Paul, I'm so glad you came.

After the show, you have to come with me to the Plaza.

The models are having a hot-tub party.

Sorry. Don't have my swimsuit.

Look, rhea, we have to talk.

This thing between you and me, it's never gonna happen.

Why not?

There's no razzmatazz, no zip-a-Dee-doo-dah,

no bing, bang, boom.

You're saying there's no chemistry?

You lost me.

Look...

I like you as a friend, but that's it.

It's never gonna go any further.

I'm sorry.

[STUART CRYING]

Poor kid.

[CRYING]

Sir? This is Elsa kirkpatrick, head of the teachers' union.

Miss kirkpatrick, mayor Winston.

Pleased to meet you.

Sir, are you okay?

I'm fine. Why?

You just shook Stuart's hand.

I thought that gal had a manly grip.

Sir, this is a key endorsement,

and you need to be at the top of your game.

Maybe we should reschedule this for after you've had a nap.

Nonsense. So, where shall we begin?

Mr. mayor, if you want our endorsement,

you're gonna have to listen to my union's list of demands.

Sounds riveting.

[THINKING] If I stay awake, it will be a miracle.

What we need are new textbooks, smaller classroom sizes...

Pay attention.

...better-educated teachers, and better pay.

Maybe she's saying something interesting.

Because the core curriculum...

Oh, jeez.

...better-educated teachers, and better pay...

I just need a 3-second power nap.

...the better their test scores...

I'm gonna put my hand over my eyes

and pretend I'm concentrating.

Statistics show that the more students read...

...the better their test scores

and the greater their chance of going on to a higher education.

He certainly seems to like what you're saying.

Okay, your Uncle Fred just pulled me into a conga line.

He's a sweet man. I don't know why he never settled down with a woman.

I do.

MAN: Hey, we got time for one more song.

How 'bout we get Caitlin's new boyfriend out here

to lead us in the chicken dance?!

That's it. I'm out of here.

Charlie, the wedding's almost over.

Let me leave with one shred of dignity.

Don't make me chicken dance!

Did you just raise your voice to her?

Because maybe if you need more volume,

you should speak into the microphone.

I don't want to fight.

I don't blame you. You know why?

I'm crazy.

Really? You hide it well.

This is getting ridiculous. Tell your mother the truth.

It's working perfectly. We're almost in the clear.

Unless you're open and honest with her,

you'll never have a decent relationship.

Please. The last time you talked to your parents,

you were in a holding cell.

I had one call.

I chose them.

That's love.

There's my boy.

Charlie, be a lamb and get me a diet coke the way I like it.

With vodka and no diet coke?

[LAUGHS] Yes.

Caitlin, it makes me so happy to see you with Charlie.

Now I can go home and not worry about you.

Mom, you never had to worry about me.

You had nothing. You were alone.

And let's face it... not getting any younger.

But now you have Charlie.

Mom, wait.

There's something I have to tell you about Charlie.

Don't tell me you're blowing it with him, too.

Why can't you get your life together?

That's it.

I am sick of you putting me down!

I like my life, and I am not gonna lie about it anymore!

I was never dating Charlie. I'm single.

You hear that everyone? Single!

I haven't had sex in 8 months.

Motorcycle injury.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Should be good to go by Christmas.

This is not the time or the place.

I don't care.

It's time for this family to stop lying about everything.

Mom, you told everyone dad was sick, but admit it...

he's in Vegas blowing the rest of grandpa's money.

And cousin Marsha, you're a beautiful bride,

but we all know you're pregnant.

And Uncle Fred... you're not fooling anyone with Jeffrey, your live-in chef.

Here's your diet coke.

That... Is vodka.

I have never been so insulted in my entire life.

This man is fast asleep.

No, he's not. He's deep in thought.

Uh, he's deciding how big a raise to give your union.

[SNORES]

You heard him...3%.

This is ridiculous, and I'm leaving.

Ohh. There goes the election.

Well, good day, gentlemen.

Looks like we'll be giving our support to Wheeler.

Wait.

Miss kirkpatrick, I have something to say.

When my great-grandfather came to New York,

he was an immigrant with two simple dreams...

to educate his children and to live on fifth Avenue.

As it turns out, he bought on park, but...

His other dream came true,

because the quality of the public schools in this city

was the best in the world.

And it can be again.

Well, that's a nice story, but what are you proposing to do?

I know the average class size is 34 students.

We're gonna lower it to 25.

And I know that you've had the same textbooks since 1986.

We're gonna get you some new ones.

And I know that the meatloaf that they serve on Tuesdays

can be a little dry.

We're gonna get you gravy.

I am impressed.

Not with the gravy, but with all the other proposals.

Mayor Winston, you have our endorsement.

I look forward to working with you.

Sir! Sir, that was amazing.

Yeah, you really had us worried for a second.

Well, guys, this old pro is still on top of his game.

Just wait till you see me with the teachers' union.

Charlie...

I'm sorry I put you through this.

Is there any way I can make it up to you?

Your hotel room.

Does it have a nice, big shower?

Yes, it does.

Great.

Then go take a cold one.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

No one leaves this room until I get an explanation. [DOOR OPENS]

Charlie, can you come out here for a second?

Well, I'd love to stay and help solve this,

but this sounds like official city business.

Mr. bondek, what's the problem?

We're checking out underwear models on the Internet.

I better look into that.

Did you have to air out dirty laundry

in front of the entire family?

Face it, mom.

We had a lot of skeletons in the closet... And one Uncle.

Well, you humiliated me.

Look, I'm sorry I did it at Marsha's wedding,

but I'm not sorry about what I said.

I want you to accept me for who I am.

I want the same from you.

What are you talking about?

Oh, come on, Caitlin.

We both know that you don't approve of me.

Everything you've done in your life

has been to reject who I am.

That's not true.

Oh, please.

I married young, I didn't have a career,

I never lived on my own.

I know you don't respect the way I've lived my life.

Mom, I think your life is great,

and I'm doing the best I can with mine.

But if we're gonna have any kind of relationship,

we both have to accept that we're different people.

And that's okay.

You know, I'm not very good at expressing myself,

but after you left the wedding,

I wrote down how I feel about you.

"Successful, intelligent,

"independent, beautiful woman

who loves traveling, homemade pasta, and yoga."

Mom, this sounds like a personal ad.

I hope so. It's running in the post tomorrow.

You know, it's too bad you and Charlie aren't dating.

You know, I have excellent instincts,

and... He's a real keeper.

Stuart, move your head.

[LAUGHING]

I can't see the boobs!

[LAUGHING]

Let's go this way.

Hey, Paul, we're watching the Victoria's secret fashion show.

Whoa, who's the girl in the sexy Teddy?

Paul, that's rhea. That's the girl you rejected.

You're kidding?

I turned down a supermodel?

Oh, my gosh, how many guys can say that?

Yeah! I win! I am the winner!

Yeah!

Wait for it.

Oh-h-h, God!

Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

(BARKING)

Moo.