Original subtitles

The mayor is announcing his bid for re-election today,

so I wouldn't be surprised if Wheeler tried to upstage him.

Charlie... glad you could make it.

We've already covered the mayor's transportation proposal,

as well as his appearance

at yesterday's skeet-shooting competition...

And the subsequent apology to news chopper 7.

If you have any other questions, ask Carter.

Okay.

Do I still work here?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Yello?

Hey, governor.

Nah, it's me. It's Flaherty.

Oh, Crawford?

Well, yeah, he didn't work out, so we had to let him go.

I'm just kidding you, big guy.

Good one.

Okay, what the hell is going on here?

All I know is he cancels his engagement, now he's here.

We'll take your limo, but I'm bringing the beers.

All right, sir. I'm gonna go grab another cup of coffee.

Hey, grab me a cup...

remember, I like it the way I like my women.

I don't think we have any 19-year-old coffee.

I'm sorry, but I'm not wearing this thing.

Sir, every mayor for the last 30 years

has dressed like a woman for the "Broadway cares" gala.

I promise it will not damage your public image.

I don't care about that. It makes my ass look fat.

Actually, sir, it might show the voters

you have a sense of humor about yourself.

Plus, with your long legs,

no one's gonna be looking at your ass.

Speak for yourself.

You've made an excuse to get out of this every year,

but this is an election year.

I think you should do it.

Maybe a string of pearls will tie all this together.

Okay, we've got to talk

about what's going on between Mike and Allison.

It's clear what's happening.

He's a textbook workaholic

who can't make room in his life for a real relationship.

Look, we've wasted enough time here.

I stayed late last night preparing the mayor's plan

for his re-election announcement...

Who erased my plan?

I had to make up a new lineup for tomorrow's softball game.

This took me three hours...

you got me on the bench?

I'm the starting shortstop.

I've never seen you hit.

Okay.

I don't mean to pry, but why aren't you getting married?

You wouldn't understand.

You called off your engagement

because you're a textbook workaholic

who can't find a place in his life for a relationship.

Not even close.

Really, Charlie, please spare us the dime-store psychology.

Well, if it's not because of work, why'd you call it off?

I didn't.

She left me.

I got back to my hotel room,

and there was a tear-stained note on the minibar.

"Dearest Mike,

"I'm sorry, but I'm not ready for this.

"Our lives are different.

I'll always love you."

[VOICE BREAKING] She walked off with my heart...

And an $18 bag of cheese puffs.

You know, I'm sorry.

I have work I got to do.

Where did you get this eye shadow?

It makes me look like a hooker.

It's mine.

A classy hooker.

I-I don't think I can do this, Caitlin.

It's so embarrassing.

Sir, please. It's for a good cause.

Just let me finish.

Hiya, Caitlin. Whoa.

Who's your hot friend?

I'm way out of your league, Crawford.

What can I do for you?

Sir, we all love Mike. Mm-hmm.

And it's fun having him around.

I was just wondering...

When will that fun be ending?

It occurred to me that having him around might be a little awkward for you.

But then I thought, "Charlie knows he's my guy.

This wouldn't bother him."

Good... Because it doesn't.

Now that we've cleared that up,

I came up with a new idea for our campaign slogan.

Oh, Mike thought we should go with,

"Winston... 2001 and beyond."

I think it's brilliant.

I suggested that idea last week, and you turned it down.

Why the sudden change of heart?

Well, perhaps I was swayed by the fact

that I'm now the starting shortstop for our softball team.

Wow. Congratulations, sir.

I got to go.

Okay, ready?

Yeah.

[SIGHS]

What do you think?

Good God, I'm beautiful.

You okay?

I'm fine.

That waitress leaned over,

and you didn't even notice her breasts.

I saw them.

They're great.

Ah, it's just this whole Mike thing.

Yeah, I feel bad for the guy,

but he's really starting to step on my toes.

If Mike tries to challenge your authority, I got problems.

Yeah, you won't know whose ass to kiss.

Exactly.

Don't worry, Charlie.

Mike's just in a bad place right now. It'll pass.

Stuart's right.

Huh. That sounded weird.

How can you be so worried about Mike being in a bad place?

What about me? It ever occur to you I might have feelings?

Do you?

A couple.

How would you feel, Paul,

if someone came to the office and did your work for you?

Bad example.

Charlie, don't take it personally.

We all know you're the mayor's guy.

I guess you're right. Mike can run a few meetings,

but I'm gonna be standing with the mayor on the podium

when he announces his bid for re-election.

I'm gonna be the one raising his hand in the air

as the thousands of balloons I ordered

fall on our heads.

I don't believe this.

Charlie, you look a lot different on TV.

We've got to talk.

Shh. No, look, that's a tough decision.

You got to let me think about it.

Hello, this is Charlie Crawford, and I am in charge here.

If you have a question, I will answer it.

Uh-huh.

You want thin or thick crust?

Thin.

Thin.

That better be here in half an hour.

Mike, what do you think you're doing here?

Charlie, I'm sorry about moving up the mayor's announcement.

I just got a tip that Wheeler was planning

this publicity stunt for Times Square.

I wanted to call you, but there just wasn't time.

What you did was unprofessional and childish.

Those were my balloons.

They were supposed to fall on my head.

You got some nerve barging into your office

telling me how to do your job!

That makes no sense.

Yeah, and I thought if I yelled it,

you wouldn't notice.

Mike, I know you got your heart broken.

We all get dumped, and we all move on.

Why can't you?

Because she didn't break up with me, okay?

I'm the one who called off the wedding.

Wait a minute.

What about the tear-stained note,

"our lives are too different,"

the $18 bag of cheese puffs?

That was all a lie?

No, that was spin.

I'm masking an untruth with assorted facts.

So, lying.

Yeah, pretty much.

What happened?

Oh, believe me, it's... it's complicated.

Is she seeing another man?

I wish it were that simple.

Oh.

Another woman?

Look, I'm just scared, okay?

Mike, it's just two women.

Light a few candles, put on some k.D. Lang,

and don't be afraid to ask questions.

No, I'm afraid to get married.

See, when I'm at work, I'm in total control.

I'm two steps ahead of every problem.

But with Allison, you know, it's not like that.

Something goes wrong,

I'm not gonna know how to fix it.

I can't live with that.

Wow... That's tough.

Well, look, it's no problem.

I'm just not gonna let it affect me.

You spinning again?

No, that was a lie.

I have a delivery for Carter Heywood.

Oh! Oh, I forgot to cancel the cake and the champagne

for Mike's engagement party.

I guess we're not gonna need any of this stuff anymore.

A dear friend of ours

was spurned by the woman of his dreams.

Once more, the beast of love proves untamable.

Wow. That'll be $87.50.

"Congratulations, Mike and Al"?

Hey, you guys only gave me 20 bucks.

They charge by the letter.

I'll tell you something.

This whole Mike situation,

it's making me sick to my stomach.

Must be awful...

think you found the perfect woman,

and then, poof, she's gone.

Tell me about it.

I was married to Claudia for three years.

She up and left me.

That's nothing.

I'm almost 40, and no woman has ever loved me.

That can't be true.

You're almost 40?

What's going on?

We're drinking and talking about our pathetic love lives.

Wow. Is it 5:00 already?

I can't believe Mike's not getting married.

It's a real letdown.

Devastating!

You know, in a way, I felt if he could find the right person,

there might be someone out there for me, too.

Yeah... gave us all hope.

As I was gonna say in my toast,

like dew on morning grass,

new love awakens, refreshes, gives life.

We're having a nice moment here. Do you have to gay it up?

What about you, Caitlin?

You think you'd ever get married again?

My high-school boyfriend and I made a pact

if we were still alone when I turned 40, we'd get married.

I made a similar pact with my high-school prom queen.

She said that she would sleep with me when I turned 50.

It's just I had to be the last man on earth.

Well, I guess we have each other.

In a way, I guess we're like our own family.

We have the protective older brother,

the perverted younger brother.

One hour to showtime!

And the transvestite Uncle that no one talks about.

I can't believe you called off an engagement.

Wow. That takes a lot of guts.

Yeah, well, it was tough,

but a guy's got to do what a guy's got to do.

I just, you know, I looked her in the eye,

and I said, "hey, sorry, the engagement's off."

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

There's my fiancé.

Can you hold on for just one sec?

[DOOR CLOSES]

You never told her.

This is amazing! You're a bigger screw-up than I am!

How am I gonna tell her it's off?

Are you sure you want to?

Yes! Come on, Charlie, marriage is crazy.

I mean, why should a guy give up his independence

and commit his whole life to one woman?

You talking to me?

Look, there are a lot of great things about marriage.

Yeah? Name one.

I understand there's a tax break?

You know how comedians make all those jokes

about how their wives can't cook?

Those will be funnier.

You suck at this.

ALLISON: Mike, are you okay?

Yeah, just a second.

Mike, three days ago, you were just saying

there's nothing more important in life than relationships.

It just happened so fast.

When I asked Allison to marry me, I wasn't thinking.

That is no way to make a major life decision.

Well, maybe it's the best way. Do you love her? Yes.

Can you imagine meeting someone that'll make you happier?

No.

Then you got to ask yourself what's scarier...

taking a chance and spending your life with her

or playing it safe and spending your life without her.

I don't know who I'm channeling, but this makes sense, right?

Poor Mike. He'll never get to say, "I do."

He'll never have children.

He'll never get to hear my toast.

Yeah, not hearing you talk... that's the real tragedy.

Is anyone else feeling sick from this cake?

None of us had any.

Carter, get me some more champagne.

That is your fifth glass. I think you should slow down.

No. This Allison, she really grinds my beans.

If I ever see her again,

I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind!

Excuse me. I need some air.

You're heading to the cafeteria.

Peach cobbler, then air!

Mike and Allison are back together.

He wants to get married right now. Oh, my God, that's great!

He figures all of his closest friends are here,

so he asked the mayor to perform the ceremony.

So he's getting married right in this office?

Yes. We got to clear out

any offensive pictures, paperweights, calendars...

in a nutshell, let's lose Stuart's desk.

I'll make the arrangements. We need music, flowers...

oh, and a bachelor party?

Better do it fast.

Okay. There are two key elements to every bachelor party...

someone gets punched in the face,

and some hot woman shows her breasts.

Caitlin, help me out here.

That's one down. Why don't you lift your shirt and...

you really aren't embracing the spirit of this thing.

I apologize for the shoddy arrangements,

but I didn't have much time.

This is amazing.

I can't wait to see what you do

with the money we gave you for the Christmas party.

There's not gonna be a Christmas party.

["Wedding March" PLAYS]

This violin player is pretty good.

Where'd you find him?

He plays at my subway stop. This is big for him.

He hasn't played aboveground in three years.

["Wedding March" RESUMES]

Are you ready?

Yeah, I think so. Hey, Carter.

Well, well, well!

Look who we have here, huh?

You really didn't think

you could break my best friend's heart

and get away with it, did you?!

You are nothing...

But a two-bit harlot!

Paul, if that was your toast...

needs some work.

["Wedding March" RESUMES]

Uh, sir,

maybe you should have changed before the ceremony.

I have to be at the "Broadway cares" gala in 20 minutes.

What do you think, I just roll out of bed

looking like this?

Men.

You look so beautiful.

Well, thank you, Mike.

At least someone appreciates it.

[EXHALES]

[CLEARING THROATS]

We are gathered here today

to join these two people in holy matrimony.

Now, before Mike and Allison exchange vows,

perhaps some of his friends would like to say a few words?

Well, it's showtime.

Yes, Stuart?

Thank you.

As I've always said, like dew on the morning grass,

a new love awakens, refreshes, gives life.

Well, Stuart, that's... that's heartfelt and profound.

Thank you. Yes, Carter?

Uh, be happy...

You two.

Weak, Carter... very weak.

Now the bride and groom will exchange vows.

Allison?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Mike...

You're everything I've ever dreamed of.

You're loving...

Caring...

And funny...

Intelligent...

I'll stop that.

Every day I spend with you makes me love you more.

Me too.

Sorry.

Go.

Allison, I, um...

[VOICE BREAKING] I-I used to think that

everything I needed was... was right here.

But since I met you, that's all changed.

I know we haven't known each other for very long,

but I can't imagine my life without you.

I love you.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Uh, sir, don't forget the kiss.

I'm sorry, Mike. I'm just so flustered.

[SMOOCHES]

Congratulations, son.

Uh, you know, the only drawback, sir,

to a spontaneous wedding like this

is that my mom and dad couldn't be here,

but I want you to know you stepped in for both of them.

Gee, Mike, I'm really gonna miss you.

Thanks, stuey.

Can I get a hug?

He means you. You got a problem with that?

By all means.

Ah, congratulations.

You really outdid yourself here.

I want you to know if you ever give up politics,

you could be a kick-ass wedding planner.

Don't be a stranger.

Aw, Mike, I love you, buddy.

I really hope you two are happy together,

and I'm sorry I called you a two-bit harlot.

That's okay. I don't even know what a harlot is.

Oh... it's a whore.

That was so beautiful. Congratulations.

I'm so glad you could be here for it.

Oh, hey, listen...

uh, thanks for everything,

and sorry I got in your way the last couple of days.

Don't worry about it.

Someday I can come into your office and be really annoying.

I'd like that.

Take good care of this place, huh?

I'll do my best.

Whoo! Yeah! Yeah!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Well...

Weddings are so romantic.

That's why at times like these,

it's so easy to hook up with women.

You know, I've never left a wedding alone.

You look great, by the way.

Give it up, Charlie.

All right. See you tomorrow.

How about this... I'll let you leave with me,

and then, technically, you're not leaving alone.

I'll take it.

Don't push it.

I tell you, now that Mike's married,

I think love's right around the corner for all of us.

Yep, the times, they are a-changin'.

I think I'll try out our luck right now.

Hey, baby, can I buy you a drink?

It's been a rough day. What the hell?

Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

(BARKING)

Moo.