Original subtitles

So, what do I need to know

for this law-enforcement conference?

According to the report

there's been a 12% increase in crime.

Nonsense! On the other side of this bulletproof glass

is the safest city in America.

You want to put an end to crime?

Start caning criminals.

Stuart, we've been through this.

It is very difficult to find quality bamboo in New York.

These numbers are misleading.

I live in New York.

I'm not seeing an increase in crime.

Damn! My driver's on the sauce again.

You want me to make sure everything's all right, sir?

We're all right.

He hasn't touched the good stuff.

Everybody out!

Move!

You heard the man.

You don't look like a scotch man.

They caught the guy who limojacked us.

Yeah, but the press is having a field day with it.

We've gotta show we're tough on crime.

That's why I talked to the police

and arranged for us all to go on a drive-by.

I think you mean "drive-along."

What's the difference?

Well, sir, a "drive-by" is when you put on a ski mask,

cruise by a building, and shoot at it with guns.

Oh.

A "drive-along" is when you put on a police hat,

cruise by a building, and shoot at it with guns.

Sir?

Yeah.

Charlie, Cara's on the phone.

Oh, that woman will not leave me alone.

Tell her I'm having my appendix taken out.

You already used that one.

Tonsils?

What do I have left?

A liver, both kidneys, and a heart.

Let's go kidney.

Oh, Caitlin, did you finish the analysis

of the crime reports from last year?

I was gonna do it last night, but Tim took me to dinner.

We stuffed ourselves.

I'll just tell the press we're soft on crime, but full.

I'll get to it right now.

There's my cute, little limojacking victim.

Oh!

I can't believe you faced down a dangerous criminal

and you weren't even shaken.

Well, some of us are just born brave.

He was unarmed,

and he dropped us off at a diner.

The only brave thing you did was eat that sausage Patty.

I brought you something for surviving that horrible ordeal.

Oh!

A new bikini?

Thank you. Thank you.

I am flying you to St. Thomas tonight.

Just pack for a week. I'll pick you up around 8:00.

You can't just take off. We've got that drive-along.

Well, unless it stops in the Caribbean,

I'm not gonna be on it.

Ever since you've been dating Tim,

you've been blowing off work.

Excuse me, I haven't taken a day off in a year and a half.

Besides, Tim has been begging to take me away.

Of course he has.

He needs someone old enough to buy beer.

You know, I am sick of your little jokes

about Tim's youthful appearance.

Fine. Go on your trip.

Just make sure he doesn't jump in the pool unsupervised.

At least he doesn't take first dates to the water park

so he can check out their body before he Springs for dinner.

Ooh, this is getting ugly. We'd better go.

Like Tim is so romantic.

He would've taken you to the water park,

but you gotta be this tall to get on the rides.

Oh, please, your idea of romance

is opening the door to the airplane bathroom.

A lot of guys wouldn't do that.

A lot of guys don't get the chance.

You're jealous because you're incapable of having

a meaningful relationship.

I'm not willing to put my life on hold

just because someone brings me a bikini.

That was petty and childish,

and I will not dignify it with a response...

Except to say that the rolling stones are overrated,

and you stink at baseball.

You have bad taste in shoes.

This is the first real fight I've had with Caitlin.

Ever since she's been dating Tim,

she's a different person.

To deal with a woman, you have to be willing to talk.

When I was married,

we always kept the lines of communication open.

Sir, your wife left you without saying "goodbye."

And then we communicated...

Through attorneys.

This is my first real fight with Charlie.

Since I've been dating Tim, he's been a total jerk.

You know, Caitlin, when people fight that way,

it's often a manifestation of an underlying sexual tension.

Why do you have to be such a know-it-all?

I hate when you interrupt.

You did the same thing when I was on the phone.

It wouldn't be a problem

if you didn't call your mom every minute.

Don't bring my mother into this!

Why don't you guys kiss and get it over with?

Caitlin's steamed because she's blowing off work,

and I called her on it.

He's steamed because Tim and I are in a great place,

and all he has is work.

I shouldn't let her go to St. Thomas mad.

I'll be the bigger person and apologize.

It'll drive him nuts

to have this hanging over his head

while I'm in St. Thomas.

I should just do the right thing and tell him I'm sorry.

Your boyfriend's short.

Bite it!

Come on, grandma, put it in drive.

Hey, knock it off!

Haven't you ever been in a police car before?

Not in the front seat.

Look at all this cool stuff...

satellite tracking, m.D.T., picture of a hooker...

That's my wife.

She's a handsome woman.

Are we there yet?

For the last time...

this is a ride-along. There is no "there."

Just 40 years of life-threatening work

followed by a lame city pension.

You comfortable, Mr. Mayor?

I sure am. Hey, who's the hooker?

That's his wife.

2-income family...

industrious.

Boring.

I bet Carter and Stuart are seeing more.

I can't believe Caitlin implied

that you and I are like a couple.

It's ridiculous.

Can't two guys be friends

without people getting the wrong idea?

Hey, can I have some cocoa?

Yeah. Yours is the red one, mine is the blue.

You have the right to remain silent.

I already did that.

I can't believe I'm missing "survivor" for this.

So...

First time urinating in an alley?

You look familiar.

Did you go to high school in Wellington?

Yeah.

You're Randall Winston.

Don't you recognize me?

Chad follansbee.

My God... follansbee.

It's been years.

We had some good times, didn't we?

Remember when headmaster o'keefe was doing that dorm search

and I slipped that joint into your pocket?

Ooh, you saved my butt!

That was you?

Whatever happened to you?

After they found that on me,

they shipped me off to reform school.

By the time I got out, no decent school would take me.

Uneducated and alone,

I slipped into the dark clutches of crime,

and I've never been able to break free.

Well, enough about the past.

Possible 1030 in progress.

Teen spotted with a handgun...

Unit 8 responding...

code 3 to that possible 1030.

Give me a 1020 on some backup. Over.

You spend enough time in one of these,

you pick stuff up.

You two stay here.

I mean it.

Listen, if you go in, and there's no robbery,

would you grab me a lotto ticket and some maalox?

Maybe those kids saw something. Let's go talk to 'em.

You go on over. I'll stay here. I'll cover you.

With what?

I have a very high-pitched scream.

Hey, kid, what are you doin' out past curfew?

There's no curfew.

Don't crack wise with me. I'm practically a cop.

What's that in your pocket?

A milky way.

Yeah, we'll see about that.

Hey!

Chocolate...Nougat...

All right, this clears. All right, beat it.

I don't want to see you in this neighborhood again.

We're standing in front of my building.

All right, go on in.

But I'm keeping this as evidence.

Hi. Can I ask you guys some questions?

You see any suspicious-looking kids around here?

Hey, where you goin'?

Hey, get back here!

I'm hit!

This is going to be great.

We're just going to sit by the pool

and drink pi�a coladas and margaritas

and gin and "tonicas."

Come on. I said an English word like it's Spanish.

You love that.

I just feel bad about Charlie.

You can clear things up when we get back.

You're right. It's gonna be a great vacation.

I'm gonna get some magazines. I will meet you on board.

It has been confirmed

deputy mayor Charlie Crawford

was shot tonight

during a police drive-along.

We have no further details at this time.

Oh, my God.

We've got a gunshot wound to the chest...

massive blood loss.

Prep him for surgery.

You should stop by my room for dinner.

We'll have Salisbury steak,

peel the lid off some apple juice...

Let's just get you into bed.

Slow down!

My insurance pays for two days.

You don't have to rush things.

Excellent job, Charlie.

Getting shot was a stroke of genius.

I mean, the press is eating this up,

and they're off my back about the crime problem.

By the way, how are you?

The bullet grazed my thigh.

They say I might experience some aching.

Ooh, stop. You're making me queasy.

Gentlemen...

We got the surveillance video

from the apartment building near the shooting.

I think you'll find it interesting.

I'm hit!

Kind of grainy.

Tough to tell what happened.

Charlie, I'm sorry.

I hope this doesn't change your opinion of me.

Sadly...

No.

That feels great!

I have to go. Mr. Goldstein needs me.

What does he have that I don't?

Cardiac arrest.

Oh, my God.

When I heard what happened, I got here as fast as I could.

Uh, Caitlin... save your strength.

I feel horrible about our fight.

You've been such a good friend to me,

and I acted like an idiot.

Go on.

I said that stuff in the heat of the moment.

I was wrong.

I go in and out.

What was the last part?

I said I was wrong.

Thank you.

What about the stones?

They're a great band, Charlie... maybe the best ever.

If I don't pull through this,

at least I'll know... You were wrong.

You're gonna make it. I'm gonna be here with you.

You're one of the most important people in my life.

I am?

Hi, Tim.

Yeah, he seems to be in a lot of pain.

We should just postpone it. Charlie needs me.

Uh, Caitlin...

that is so selfish.

I won't leave Charlie. You should be ashamed.

Caitlin...

I am not always running to his side.

Well, maybe I don't know you, either.

Just...Go without me.

Uh, Caitlin, please...

oh, great, now you are upsetting Charlie.

I am hanging up on you.

It turns out there was a false alarm.

Would you like me to continue with your massage?

I don't know. I'm pretty upset right now.

Yes.

Thank you, sir. Goodbye.

Well...

The police commissioner wants to keep a lid on this, too.

Apparently,

this isn't officer greenfield's first screw-up.

I guess he's their...Paul.

A witness has come forward.

We've gotta persuade him not to go to the press.

Oh, my God, if this guy talks,

I'll be the laughingstock of the city.

Oh, that ship has sailed, my friend.

Excuse me...

Are you dating Charlie Crawford?

No, why?

We kind of made a connection...

oh, do you always hit on seriously-injured patients?

He has a slight puncture wound.

In fact, he's taking me to the water park on Thursday.

That jerk lied to me.

Uh, excuse me.

Um, I need you to do me a favor.

Are you a doctor?

No. I work in the cafeteria.

Close enough.

Chad, it was so great running into an old Wellington man.

I remember in our sophomore year,

we did a panty raid in the girls' dorm,

and Betsy...

Lucas.

Lucas said that we wouldn't amount to anything.

Well, if she could see us now.

Anyway, I'll buy you a hot dog.

Stuart's bringing in the witness.

We have to convince him to keep his mouth shut.

I can't believe what an inconvenience this is.

Well, maybe next time,

you'll think before you shoot a co-worker.

It's been several hours. Will you let it go?

And when this guy comes in, let me do the talking.

You tend to rub people the wrong way.

So...We meet again.

Are you feeling better, Charlie? Not really.

Don't worry.

I brought in a specialist to perform the operation.

What operation?

I had a look at your X-ray.

You have a bullet fragment lodged in your abdomen.

Whoa! The only thing lodged in my abdomen

is that leathery beef from lunch.

Leathery? Why, you ungrateful little...

take it easy...Doctor.

We don't want to upset the patient

before his 10-hour surgery.

This is a big mistake. I feel fine.

Look, I can, uh... I can make this motion.

Relax. It's a simple procedure.

You might not even lose your ability to perform sexually.

Mig not?

That's my major hobby.

Don't worry, Charlie,

your sex life will be normal,

with the help of pumps and pulleys.

Pumps and pulleys?

I can barely change a tire.

I want a second opinion.

I can show you three or four people

who I've performed this procedure on

who've gone on to live normal lives.

How many of these have you done?

About 1,000.

Oh, my God.

Thank you, doctor. You've been very helpful.

What was wrong with your peach cobbler?

I saw you shoot that guy.

Now you guys want to keep me quiet?

Well, it's gonna cost you.

Okay, what do you want?

A new baseball mitt. Fine.

A Knicks Jersey. Okay.

And 1,000 milky ways.

Oh, where we gonna scrape together that kind of candy?

Kid, you are messing with the wrong guys.

We could make your life ver uncomfortable.

Stuart, calm down.

You have high blood pressure.

Stop nagging me about that, and let me deal with the kid.

Children don't respond to threats.

What he needs is discipline and some respect for authority.

Now you sound just like your father.

Leave my father out of this!

Are you guys, like, married?

Aha!

Welcome back.

You're a fast healer.

Yeah, the doctors had never seen

a mild abrasion scab over so quickly.

How'd it go with the kid who saw the shooting?

Uh, it was tough.

There was a lot of whining and crying

and demands for ice cream.

But once we got rid of Paul, it was smooth sailing.

Caitlin still mad at me?

She feels better since she got back at you.

Why would you let her think you were hurt?

I don't know.

At first, I just wanted to hear her apologize.

Then she started telling me how much I meant to her.

It got really intense.

You think she has feelings for you?

I was getting all the signals.

That can be complicated.

I remember the time

my friend on the wrestling team asked me to stay late...

so we could...

so we could practice "pinning techniques."

What happened?

He actually wanted to practice pinning techniques.

Don't get your signals crossed.

In the past, if a woman like Caitlin

touched me or even smiled at me,

I'd be all over her.

But we work together. It wouldn't be good.

So the best thing to do is be brave,

face the problem head-on.

Hey, Charlie.

Ooh, I'm outta here.

Nice prank with the fake doctor.

When did you figure it out?

When he served me a Reuben in the cafeteria.

I'm sorry about this whole thing.

It never occurred to me that you would cancel your trip.

Charlie, I never gave it a second thought.

Really?

Yes!

You mean a lot to me, and I don't always show it,

but I think you're amazing.

Charlie!

Caitlin!

Tim!

I am so sorry.

I acted like a complete jackass.

I'm sorry, too.

Can we go somewhere and talk?

Sure.

Angie, can you find Paul?

Tell him to get a gun and get in here.

Next time on "spin city"...

You tried to kiss me. I want to know why.

You tried to kiss Caitlin?

No, and please don't repeat this.

Repeat what?

Charlie tried to kiss Caitlin.

We are not talking about this. About what?

He made a move on Caitlin and got slammed.

Ooh! Access denied!

I-I can't do this.

Charlie, I think you're confused.

What you meant to say was, "yes, thank you."

Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.