Original subtitles

Caitlin, Samantha called. She's on her way up.

Thanks, Angie. Who's Samantha?

A friend from my yoga class.

You never mentioned her. Are you hiding her from me?

You're hiding her from me.

Sam is not your type. She's smart.

Right... not attractive.

And funny.

Gotcha... big girl.

Hey, Caitlin.

Oh, Sam!

Oh, yeah.

Uh, Sam, this is a guy I work with.

Guy I work with... Sam.

Charlie Crawford. Nice to meet you.

Yeah, nice to meet you.

You're definitely not as smart and funny

as Caitlin said you looked.

Thank you.

You're not so smart and funny yourself.

So, you met at yoga?

Yeah, I was in the middle of a sun salutation

when I spotted Caitlin in bridge pose.

Maybe you gals would like to demonstrate.

Charlie, can I see you in your office for a second?

Be right back.

I saw that!

Saw what?

The old "nice to meet you."

Yeah, that was pretty rude.

Look, since I moved to New York, I have been so busy working,

I haven't had time to make one good girlfriend.

Sam and I got along right from the start,

and I don't want you ruining it.

All I said was "nice to meet you."

Caitlin, we better get going.

Nice to meet you, Charlie.

My pleasure.

Cut it out!

How would you like an all-expense-paid vacation

to new Orleans?

You'll spend three days and two jazz-filled nights

in luxury at the four seasons hotel...

sir, I am not buying any more magazine subscriptions

from your nephew.

No, no, no.

This is the mayor's convention.

This year,

we're discussing social isolation in the inner city.

Then it's off to the golf course before we're too drunk to drive.

I should probably stay here and hold down the fort,

as much as I'd love to caddy for a bunch of blitzed mayors.

Caitlin, how would you like that?

Oh, sorry, sir,

I have important plans with a friend this weekend.

But this could be such a fun time.

Who can I get to go on such short notice?

Carter!

Yes.

Help me choose someone.

My schedule is wide open, sir.

Excellent. You can feed my cats.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I actually feel slighted.

Sorry I'm late. What'd I miss?

Oh, Carter's pouting because the mayor

didn't invite him to the conference in new Orleans.

The big easy, huh? Who's he taking?

He asked Caitlin and Charlie, but neither of them can go.

An empty slot, huh?

Finally... a chance for advancement.

So I guess he's gonna have to choose between one of us, huh?

I guess it all comes down to who's the biggest suck-up.

Paul, believe me,

sucking up never gets you anywhere.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

Whoa, Carter. Man, you been working out?

As a matter of fact, I have.

Aaaah! You guys are toast!

Charlie, I want to apologize.

I may have gone a little overboard before about Sam.

No problem.

I know how you work... you'll hook up with Sam,

leave before the sun comes up, and never call her again.

Then she'll be mad at you and, by association, mad at me.

Was that the apology?

Because after "sorry," things went terribly awry.

I have been down this road before, and it's a mess.

I can see it coming.

"Did Charlie ask about me?" "Did he get my messages?"

And then I'm covering for you.

"He's in Bermuda." "He's in a coma."

Then she's mad at me for lying.

We are not friends anymore,

you two get back together, and I'm the bad guy.

No, thanks, Charlie! I don't want any part of it!

Apology accepted.

I can't believe the mayor hasn't asked me.

Oh, I've always wanted to go to new Orleans.

It's a city where women get topless for beads.

A guy shouldn't go if he'd rather have the beads.

Gentlemen.

Mr. mayor, as your head of minority affairs,

my presence in new Orleans would give voice

to the diverse members of your constituency.

Mr. mayor, with all due respect to my boring, gay colleague,

I should be the one to go to the conference.

As assistant deputy mayor,

it's important for me to...lnterface and, uh...

Ah, I just want to see the boobies.

You both make strong cases.

What about Paul?

Don't worry about Paul.

He's not interested in new Orleans.

And there you have it, folks.

Wham, bam, cajun, ma'am.

Hi, Sam.

What are you doing here?!

Cool your chakras, Caitlin.

I was invited by your very flexible friend over there.

Mind if I squeeze in here?

This is a yoga class, not a pickup bar.

People come here in pursuit of peace and tranquility.

If you think this little stunt is gonna impress Sam,

you're about to be seriously embarrassed.

Yoga takes years to master.

Uhhh!

Nice form, Charlie.

Thanks.

Have you been doing yoga behind my back?

It's just instinct... like a mother who can lift a car

to save the baby trapped underneath.

So you suddenly become a yoga savant to impress a woman?

I once learned Swedish on a transatlantic flight

just to get a model's phone number.

Did it work?

What are the odds?

I have put together a list of questions

that will help me determine

which of you will be my ideal traveling companion.

What's the first thing you do when we arrive in new Orleans?

I've taken the liberty of mapping out a walking tour

that takes us past certain cultural

and historic points of interest.

Spectravision.

I'm Clay, sir. Mold me.

The convention's over, and we've got the whole night ahead of us.

What would you do?

The great author mark twain once wrote of new Orleans...

Spectravision.

I would buy you shrimp.

That's it for today.

And remember, breathing is the key to life.

Hey, don't short-sell heavy panting.

Well, this was really fun.

Hey, Charlie, you want to share a cab downtown?

He lives uptown... 86 blocks in the opposite direction.

Oh.

Well, then, uh, I could just drop you off on the way.

I don't know if I should...

oh, come on. Okay.

Okay.

I'll meet you out front.

Later.

Why are you ruining my friendship?!

We're just sharing a cab.

Ohh!

We both know you can't just share a cab with a woman.

I know how much Sam's friendship means to you.

I would never do anything to jeopardize that.

Caitlin's going to kill me.

Okay, I'd better try to stay the night.

I can do this.

One Mississippi, two Mississippi,

three Mississippi.

Okay, time to go.

I need an excuse.

I'll just give her the old "I got an early meeting."

That always works.

God, she's so beautiful.

And I really enjoyed talking to her tonight.

Actually, this is pretty nice right now.

Oh, my God.

I think I'm cuddling.

Maybe I do want to stay the night.

Charlie?

Here comes round two.

Yes?

I've got an early meeting. Mind if I call you a cab?

A cab? Sure, I guess.

Okay, just tell her you'll give her a call.

I'll give you a call.

What the hell's going on here?

Stuart! Can I ask you a question about women?

You?

Ask me about women?

It'd be an honor.

You get dumped a lot, right?

Constantly.

How does that usually work?

Well, there's the drink in the face...

The slap in the face...

the whole abuse of the face area.

And then there's the...

wait. Why do you ask?

Last night, I went out with Caitlin's friend Sam.

Tell me everything.

Leave out no detail

and feel free to make some stuff up.

Let's just say we had a pleasant evening,

and I was home in time to watch "nightline."

Ooh, the quick getaway.

Tsk!

Which escape line did you use, the old "morning meeting"?

Actually, she had the morning meeting.

She told you she had a morning meeting?

People have morning meetings all the time.

Sure they do, buddy.

Stuart, it's not like that.

I think we really made a connection.

I'm sure that's what she's talking about at her "meeting."

Okay...What happened with Sam last night?

Well, I...

You slept with her!

Oh, I don't believe it. He slept with my friend.

Then you should sleep with one of his friends.

Or better yet, an adorable co-worker.

Caitlin, it's not what you think.

Yes.

Sam had a morning meeting.

Oh, my God!

You got blown off!

I did not get blown off.

Who got blown off?

Charlie. Charlie.

Tell them there's such a thing as a morning meeting.

Charlie, you're embarrassing yourself.

Hi, this is Sam. Leave a message.

Hi, Sam, it's Charlie again.

Just curious if you got my other messages.

I had a great time the other night, and I...

Hello?

Mr. mayor, you're on my line.

I'm trying to leave a message.

For who, that woman who blew you off?

Sir!

Hey, how was her "morning meeting"?

Heh heh.

Sam, let me explain about that...

Caitlin...

Have you talked to Sam today?

Yeah, I, uh, I talked to her 10 minutes ago.

She's screening me. That is so high school.

There's only one way to handle this.

You call and ask for her,

then quickly hand the phone back to me.

Okay, but what if her mom answers?

What kind of person takes someone home,

has their way with them,

then doesn't have the courtesy to pick up a phone?

What kind of female person?

I told you... I don't want to get in the middle.

Why not?

Because Sam is my friend.

There's probably 50 women you can call

that would go out with you tonight.

The point isn't how many women I could call,

or the fact that it's closer to 100.

It's that I feel like I might have something special with Sam.

Fine.

We're going out to dinner. What do you want me to do?

Talk me up a little bit.

All she knows is I work at city hall, I'm good at yoga,

and I can hold the arching lotus for half an hour.

You already mentioned yoga.

That's not yoga.

When you're done talking me up,

I'll accidentally run into you.

You fake a stomachache, then I'll tell her how I feel.

Next, you'll have me lure her into my bed,

and then you'll ask me to leave.

Caitlin!

I would never ask you to leave.

Stuart was eliminated from the competition.

What happened?

The mayor didn't like his essay...

"things and people I want to do in new Orleans."

It's just down to you and me for the final interview.

Yeah, I guess it is.

So don't bother showing up...

Unless you feel like getting your ass kicked!

Oh, yeah, I guess I better not show up.

Yeah, you shouldn't show up.

'Cause if you do, you're gonna get a beatdown!

Yeah, you're right about that.

Paul, you're ruining my megaphone trash talk.

Why aren't you fighting back?

Carter, whenever I get close to winning something,

I blow it.

I used to be a winner.

Then it happened.

For the win, "avocado."

Panic auditory shutdown...

otherwise known as hysterical deafness.

Could you use it in a sentence?

Uh, could I hear the Latin root of the word, please?

Under intense competition, I lose my hearing completely.

The word is "cat"... "cat."

C-a...

No, no, the word is... is "rickshaw."

R-I... r-I-c...

R-rickshaw.

Paul, I had no idea.

I'm sorry.

Look, if this trip means that much to you...

Oh, no.

Ahhh.

I know what you're doing.

You're trying to trick me into feeling sorry for you.

What?

So then I said, "skip dessert?

You should be skipping the whole buffet."

Ohh!

That waiter's kind of cute.

You know who else is cute? Charlie.

He's cute.

I think I'm gonna have the fusilli.

Seriously, he's warm, he's funny, and kids love him.

You just described elmo.

Charlie's a great guy, and he likes you.

And to be honest,

I have never seen him this way with a woman.

Charlie and I had a good time the other night,

but that's all I'm interested in.

The last thing I need right now is a clingy, desperate guy.

So, what, you're just using him?

Yeah. I guess so.

Hey, you want to split a salad?

Sam, Charlie's my friend,

and I don't like to hear that he's being used.

I don't know if you deserve a guy like Charlie.

You have no right to tell me who I deserve to be with.

Fine. Be selfish.

And you know what?

I'm not even in the mood for dinner anymore.

Hey, guys. What a surprise.

Charlie.

Caitlin, you look a little peaked.

Is your stomach bothering you?

No.

Are you sure?

Don't you want to feel a little queasy right now?

I'm glad you came by.

Would you like to get out of here?

Yeah.

Great. See you later, Caitlin.

Excuse me for a second.

Um...Charlie...

She just wants to have sex.

Thanks. I owe you one.

This isn't just about sex. I like this girl.

She doesn't like you the way you like her.

If you go with her, when you wake up,

you'll feel used and empty, just like you did today.

You're right.

Sam...

I like you...

But I can't go home with you if this is just about sex.

This is just about sex.

You're honest. I respect that. Let's go.

I want to reiterate how difficult this decision is.

Dumping bondek was easy. But you two are...

So, I'm gonna have to base my decision

on your final statements.

Carter...

Uh, sir, as your ambassador,

I would represent New York with poise and dignity.

Here are my references.

Uh-huh.

Your mother speaks highly of you.

Paul...

Bourbon street?

Excuse me?

Gumbo. Jazz.

Harry connick Jr.!

My God, he wasn't faking. It's real.

What's real?

Sir, he can't hear you.

Paul suffers from hysterical deafness.

Under the pressure of intense competition,

he loses his hearing.

Cool.

Sir...

As much as I'd like to go to new Orleans,

I'd be happier if you selected Paul.

He needs this.

Paul, you win.

Mardi gras!

"You...Win!"

Oh, my God.

Oh, I won the competition. Oh, my God, I can hear!

I can hear!

Who beat whose butt?!

Who gave who a beatdown?!

Congratulations, Paul. I guess the best man won.

Oh, Mr. mayor... Oh, this is wonderful.

I can't wait.

Oh, I really need the time to relax.

I hope you've been polishing up on your golf game,

because we have a match with the mayor of Philadelphia

and his partner... uh, there's a little wager.

Wager?

Just for a round of beers.

Oh, and $2,500 a man.

Hi.

What are you doing here? Why aren't you with Sam?

I couldn't go through with it.

We got back to her place,

and I kept hearing this voice reminding me how pathetic I was.

It was my voice, wasn't it?

No, it was mine.

She was listening to her answering machine.

Nice place.

Do you sublet from Scarlett O'Hara?

So, how you doing?

Okay.

I guess I'm a little sad about Sam.

I think our friendship is pretty much done.

I can fill in for a night. What are we watching?

"Sex in the city."

I've seen this one.

This is the one

where the sorta slutty one is talking to the really slutty one

about the prissy one.

See, I can be a good girlfriend.

Nice try, Charlie, but it's not the same.

Oh, come on, you helped me. I owe you.

Let's dish.

Is Stuart's ass getting fat or what?

Charlie, I am not doing this with you.

Oh, come on. What about Debbie in accounting?

I hear she slept with half the second floor.

Okay, I wasn't gonna say anything,

but I hear she's no stranger to the third floor either.

No!

This will be fun.

We can make cookies,

and I've got "the way we were" on DVD.

Actually...I got a morning meeting.

Hi. I understand you're into purely physical relationships.

So?

Let's get physical.

The drink in the face.

The slap in the face.

And the general abuse of the face area.

Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.