Original subtitles

Who read the papers?

Not the sports...

Not fashion...

And not the comics.

Guys, as city officials, you need to be better informed.

You gotta make time for the gossip column.

"City hall's own Caitlin Moore

"is being considered as a guest host

on the 'live with Regis' show."

That's crazy.

No one can fill kathie Lee's shoes.

From her tv debut on "name that tune"

through her stint on "good morning America,"

she has blossomed into the definitive woman of the '90s.

This is "biography" on "gay & e."

Okay, I guess you all read about it.

A producer saw me speak at a fundraiser

and asked if I wanted to audition.

What do you guys think?

I think you'd be great.

You'd be wonderful.

Unbelievable.

You're awfully quiet, Charlie.

What do you think?

What, you'd be singing and dancing and stuff?

I guess.

Tell a few jokes, try some witty banter?

Yeah, that's right.

I think it would kill the morning talk show format

as we know it.

You'll be w...

you'll sparkle!

You'll sparkle!

I can't believe you just said that!

It's nothing personal,

it's just that these tv people, they're clever.

They can think on their feet.

Hey, I can think on my feet, mister...

Wrong...Head.

That stings.

We got a problem, guys.

Construction crew found some bones

underneath the West Side highway.

For the last time, she moved to Florida!

They think they're dinosaur bones.

Paleontologists want to excavate,

construction workers want to plow ahead.

I need you two to mediate.

You know I always love to do extra work,

but I have a deep-seated fear of bones.

I'll have the crew rub some barbecue sauce on them.

The fact is Stuart and I don't work very well together.

It's nothing personal, it's just I...

I detest him with every fiber of my being.

Hey, if you're still mad about that trust-fall exercise,

get over it.

I was confused.

What was confusing about "catch Paul"?

Stuart, that was out of line,

but Paul, you should've seen it coming the second time.

Get on it.

Well, Charlie, because of you,

Caitlin's decided to go through with the audition.

Just because I gave her one honest opinion?

What is it about women?

Guys don't mind hearing the truth, yeah?

Exactly. It's like if you asked me about that tie,

I'd say, "are you moonlighting down at the pier

making balloon animals?"

It's no big deal, right?

Whatever!

Uh, sir, I'm concerned you've been working

a little too hard lately.

I appreciate your concern, Carter, but I'm fine.

Okay.

Could you pass me a cream?

Will you get off my back?!

Sir, you need a vacation.

Now, I have an excellent travel agent.

I'll handle the whole thing.

I'll think about it, Carter.

But just make sure it's not like the time

you took me on a gay cruise.

Sir, it was the staten island ferry.

I don't care who he was,

he should keep his hands to himself!

Okay, guys, let's get down to business.

You'll both get equal time to make your case.

We shouldn't hold traffic up for a bunch of fossils.

Done.

Construction guy wins.

Forget the bones.

I was told I'd get equal time.

And I was told this suit could be machine washed.

Fine, go fix the road, but this could be

the greatest archaeological find of the century.

I'm talking major media...

cover of time...

Newsweek...

Fossil monthly.

Can you excuse us for a second?

Did you hear that? We could be famous...

like that guy who discovered the dinosaur bones in Utah...

You know, Dr. what's-his-name.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that guy, that guy.

Yeah, I want to be just like him!

Paul...We're a team.

We're a team.

Maybe they'll name a dinosaur after us...

you know, a bronto-paulus or a pterodacty-Paul.

Bondek-asaurus.

Ooh, a swing and a miss.

I can't believe you got the mayor

to get on that plane last night.

After his 12th airport Martini,

I was able to convince him that the big tube was a magic castle.

So, you, uh, still want my help with this audition?

Oh, definitely. I've got to do well.

I want to put Charlie in his place.

Okay.

Let's start with the coffee cup.

Kathie Lee's mug was an extension of her.

If you can be comfortable with the cup,

Regis will be comfortable with you.

Now...

Say hello to the cup.

What?

It's a performance exercise.

Come on.

Hello, cup!

Hello, cup. Hello, cup.

Hello, cup! Hello, cup!

Hello, cup! Hello, cup!

Hello...

don't feel bad.

I've always found that mug to be a little standoffish.

You don't have to go through with this.

It is happening, and I want you to be there to see it.

Okay.

Bye, cup.

Next order of business...

Regis loves a cohost who can sing,

and kathie Lee had an amazing voice.

* if...They...Could... See me now *

* that little gang of mine

* I'm eatin' fancy chow and drinkin' fancy wine *

* I'd like those stumblebums to see for a fac *

* the kind of top-drawer, first-rate chums I attrac *

sir, what are you doing?

I had the audio-visual nerds

set up this video-conferencing screen here.

I wanted to keep an eye on things.

So...

What's up?

I'm auditioning as guest host for "live with Regis."

With your natural charisma, you'd be a first-rate host.

You, Caitlin, were born to be on national tv.

Thank you, sir.

Stuart!

He's gone.

Oh!

Oh, Mr. mayor.

Oh, I forgot that you were there.

Well, I'm always here for my staff, Paul.

What's on your mind?

Well, Stuart and I were supposed to go

to a photo shoot down at the dinosaur site.

At the last minute, he tells me that the location has changed.

I don't trust Stuart.

I have the feeling that he's trying to box me out

so he can take the glory all to himself.

Stuart, where were you?!

The gym.

I was down at the bone collector

because you told me that's where the paleontologists meet.

Honest mistake.

It's a gay bar!

Is that lipstick on your collar?

I may have lipstick on my collar

and suffered a minor misunderstanding

in the men's room, but that's okay.

That's okay 'cause you, Stuart bondek,

you're gonna get yours!

Paul lassiter is tired of being the office joke...

The office fool...

The office...

Jackass.

Thank you.

Walter, I like being your sidekick

because it's a kick being by your side.

This is all my fault.

You know, every time I'm honest with a woman,

it turns out bad.

Why? What happened last time?

This is it.

Caitlin, we're losing the audio.

Can you adjust your Mike a bit?

Oh, right, sorry.

Oh, my God, she lost a button!

I can't look!

I'll keep you updated.

Has anyone noticed?

Tough to tell.

I like this one. Let's call her back.

What?! They haven't even listened to her!

This isn't an audition! It's a peep show!

I know.

It's horrible.

Can we get a zoom on camera three?

Charlie, you've got to talk Caitlin out of doing that show.

She should know that the star of that audition was her breasts.

You saw Caitlin's breasts?

Why do I have to be the one to talk to her?

You saw Caitlin's breasts?

She's only doing this to prove something to you.

Look, I'll be right beside you.

They want me to guest host the show tomorrow.

I guess I killed at the audition.

About that...Charlie and I need to tell you something.

What? Me? Now?

I'll be right there.

Why don't we talk in my office?

Bondek, this sounds juicy!

Wheel me over there!

So you made the first cut, huh? You're gonna be live with Regis.

I don't like to brag,

but I guess I have certain qualities

the producers responded to.

A couple.

Look, you proved to me that you're good.

There's no real reason to go through with this, is there?

Actually, there is.

I've never told anyone this before,

but back in high school,

I tried out for "Jesus Christ, superstar."

I practiced for weeks,

and when I finally auditioned, I froze up and forgot my lines.

Did you look at the script?

No, I pulled the fire alarm and ran.

Christine Scott ended up getting the part

and I wound up stage manager.

Of course, I did bring the last supper in

53% under budget.

I'm guessing most of the apostles

filled up on rolls?

This may seem silly to you,

but this is my chance where I can finally prove to myself

that I can do it... I can be Christine Scott.

I mean Christine Scott back then,

because I heard she turned into a real whore.

That's a beautiful story.

I'm sure you'll be great.

You'll be reporting to me.

I am the top dog, the big cheese,

the jumbo shrimp.

Where's Mr. bondek?

Mr. bondek's aunt took ill

with a sudden case of osteoporosis.

Paul!

I should've known something was fishy

when you offered to buy me a soda!

We were supposed to work together as a team, but no.

No, all you want to do is make me the office fool!

Well, for once, I'm the guy in charge,

and you're the guy chained to the soda machine!

Gentlemen.

Is there a problem here?

No. Why do you ask?

When you came in this morning,

you weren't handcuffed to a vending machine.

Look, guys, this is a big, high-profile project.

If you can't work together, I'll give it to someone else.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

We'll work together.

You need to restock orange crush.

This steak is delicious, isn't it, Carter?

Would you please pass the salt?

Do we have to do this again?

Sir...lt's midnight here.

I've worked a long day, and this is getting ridiculous.

Oh, Carter, relax.

We're on vacation!

No, you' on vacation,

and all you've done is sit in your room.

Now, uh, this is for your own good.

No, no, wait...

yes!

Never do that to a person.

I just want you to get out and meet people.

Carter, you're used to seeing me as mayor...

confident, outgoing, fun at parties.

But deep down, I'm a very shy man.

I didn't know that.

This is the first vacation I've taken since my divorce.

Maybe I'm just afraid to be alone.

If you like, I'll... Stay with you a little longer.

I don't want you to think

that being alone is a completely negative thing.

A very wise man once wrote, "in solitude,

a strong mind gains strength and learns to lean upon itself."

Of course, Henry David Thoreau held a different...

you know, I'm gonna go get tanked at the pool bar.

Now here are Regis philbin and Caitlin Moore!

Thank you very much.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to our show.

Our guest host today is New York's very own

Caitlin Moore. Here she is, everybody.

Well, Caitlin, how is everything?

Fine.

We got a woman of few words here.

She's freezing up.

It's Christine Scott all over again.

That whore!

How's the mayor?

Oh, well, this week, he's been more helpful than usual.

He was out of the office a lot and, um...

That's pretty funny.

What are you working on at city hall?

We're trying to get the Yankees

to stop serving alcohol after the seventh inning.

Oh, yeah, I guess the fans get pretty much out of control, huh?

Fans? I'm talking about the players.

R

what do you think of this girl?

Full of moxie, isn't she?

Yeah!

Thank you.

Thank you.

That's really great.

Nice to have you here.

Mm, thank you.

[ Bleep ]

Did she just say [Bleep]?

She did. She said [ bleep ]

This is so [Bleep] embarrassing.

Did I say [Bleep]?

This is a [Bleep] disaster.

This is [Bleep] great.

* if...They...Could... See me now *

* that little gang of mine

* eatin' fancy chow and drinkin' fancy wine... *

wait, wait...

she may pull out of this.

Lassiter... Australian for dork.

Hey, look, the reporters are here.

Let's give them a look at us in action.

Hey, Indiana bones... What's the update?

It's slow going on that third vertebra.

We have to be careful not to break the skeleton.

What, are you kidding me?

I saw "Jurassic park."

You couldn't bring those things down with bazookas.

What my partner here is saying

is we'd like to see some results before we're extinct.

Zing! Boom! Boom!

Guys, I think we may have a little problem.

Yeah, yeah, we got a little problem.

The problem is I don't see a giant dinosaur.

So you take your little brush and your little hammer

and get back in the hole.

Okay, it was bad, but it wasn't that bad.

What are you drinking out of that cup that you talk to?

You're right.

It was a disaster.

There's no use pretending.

Congratulations!

Oh, get off it! I was the worst!

What's the big deal?

You don't want to host the show anyways.

It's not the show.

It's that I got another chance and I choked,

just like in high school.

It's not like high school.

You didn't freeze.

You just swore 50 or 60 times.

You're right.

I never should've done this.

Regis? Excuse me.

Hi. Charlie Crawford.

Charlie, yeah, listen... coffee, light, no sugar...

And bring me a cruller, too, will ya?

No, I'm from city hall.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, this must be about my helicopter permit

for my apartment.

No, I... I work with Caitlin Moore.

She's really upset about the show.

I was hoping maybe you can give her a call, you know,

invite her back, give her another try?

Charlie, no problem.

Sure.

Really?

I'll invite her back. And you can have my job.

And why don't we replace gelman with a monkey?

Hey.

Okay?

I was just hoping for the call.

Caitlin is really upset about the show.

She's been dreaming of this day

ever since Christine Scott got all the glory

and she got stuck making the last supper.

It's a chick thing.

Look, the only thing that's gonna make her feel better

is a phone call from you.

What is it, Charlie?

You want a piece of me?

N-n-not really, no.

Why not?

You afraid you might get your dress dirty, Alice?

You don't want to poke me.

Don't want to poke you?

Why not?!

All right.

You better phone a friend.

Hey...

What happened to your face?

I got into a massive fistfight with Regis philbin.

Did he bite you?

Actually, in all the confusion,

I think I might have bit myself.

Guess who just called me about the show.

The fcc?

Regis philbin!

He said I was great!

I was, quote, "a breath of fresh air."

So I guess this is all over now, huh?

This isn't all over

until you say, "Caitlin is entertaining."

Caitlin is entertaining.

And, "from now on,

I'll keep my opinions to myself."

From now on, I'll keep my opinions to myself.

And, "in the morning,

I usually stuff a tube sock down my pants."

I kne it!

Thanks, Charlie.

Hey, you got Regis philbin to call Caitlin.

You're like a knight in shining armor

defending the fair maid.

Don't sissy up my fistfight.

Well, I think what you did for Caitlin is wonderful.

I'm not looking for praise.

Bottom line is when philbin left there, he knew who was boss.

Yeah, right.

By the way, Carter,

how do I get a permit for a [Bleep] helipad?

You are about to witness the realization

of a major achievement for New York.

This would not have been possible

without the tireless efforts of visionaries

who so often go without credit.

I am, of course, referring to myself and Mr. lassiter.

Let's take a look at our dinosaur.

Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.