Original subtitles

So what you're saying, doctor,

is that my entire life is falling apart

and you're still vacationing in Brazil.

Why couldn't you make it back in time?

So, pay the ransom.

No, no, no! I don't want someone to cover for you!

Look, you're my therapist.

You and I have a history together.

You're like a father to me.

Now, what are the chances

someone's gonna walk through that door,

and I'm gonna feel the same connection with them?

Hi, I'm Dr. Peterson.

I-I'll call you back.

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS]

All right, why don't you start

by telling me what brought you here today?

Uh, well...

I've fallen in love with this woman I work with.

Her name is Caitlin.

So, we decided that last night,

we were gonna have sex.

You know, for the first time.

And you had difficulty with your penis.

No, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa!

Thi is not the face of erectile dysfunction.

Look, the point is,

normally I have sex with someone first,

then I fall in love.

I mean, I-I've never really loved anybody

I haven't already had sex with...

You know, with the obvious exceptions...

my mom.

My dog.

Bruce Springsteen.

So, you and this Caitlin person

were planning to make love for the first time?

Yeah, but come on, doc, Caitlin and I are adults.

We were approaching this like any other date.

Hello, Caitlin.

Hello...

Mmmichael.

See, I love the way you say my name.

You put a "mmm" in front of it...

Like I'm delicious.

Do you know what time it is?

Yes.

It's about half an hour since the last time you checked in.

It's like being a kid on Christmas morning.

That killer hour between 6:00 and 7:00.

When all you want to do is unwrap the presents.

You know what the best thing is?

Knowing that this is definitely gonna happen,

because you are way too much of a man

to ever experience erectile dysfunction.

Michael, did she really say that?

It was implied.

But listen, I don't think we should make a big scene

by leaving together.

So wait five minutes and then go.

I'll meet you at your place.

Five minutes... at my place. Got it.

One Mississippi, two Mississippi,

three Mississippi...

Excuse me.

I'm looking for the most beautiful girl in the world.

Oh, yeah. Like chaka Khan would hang out here.

There she is!

Tony.

Mmmm.

Tony's here!

Tony?! Where?!

Hey, Tony! Hey, Tony!

What are you doin' here?

I was nowhere near the neighborhood,

so I thought I'd drop by and give you this.

Ohhh, that is so sweet.

I'll see you tonight.

Carter, Stuart, I'll see you guys Friday night.

Can't wait. You got it.

Hey, there, lady-killer!

Oh! [LAUGHS]

He-e-e-y, Tony.

I like that guy.

Tony DeMarco... so cool!

Oh, I'm glad you guys like him.

Nikki, it's just so nice for us

to finally see you dating someone who's not so...

Loserly.

I don't date losers.

What about that creepy guy

that used to sweep up hair clippings at the barber shop?

Okay, "a"... it was a salon,

and "b"... I thought he worked there.

Besides, I used to date Mike. He's normal.

216 Mississippi, 217 Mississippi,

218 Mississippi, 219 Mississippi...

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Ow!

Hi.

Hi.

Uh, come in.

Wow.

You did all of this for me?

This is the way I live, baby.

Ooh, doves.

I'm impressed.

You, uh...

You like animals?

Yeah.

'Cause, you know, I also have roaches.

So... How was your day?

Honey, I...

I don't want to talk about my day.

Oh, come on.

That's one of the things I find so sexy about you...

that whole "take charge, can do" thing, mmmichael.

Well, I did have a meeting with the mta.

Did you?

We... we... we raised parking-meter rates...

[STRAINED VOICE] To 25 cents for 10 minutes.

That's expensive.

You know what I did?

I didn't tell you yet.

[NORMAL VOICE] I knew it was gonna be good.

I solicited campaign donations.

I phoned the governor.

Ooh! I set up a town meeting.

I fired the park superintendent.

You fired Eric frick? How come?

He was, uh, he was a year late

on the Washington square park renovation.

Well, was that his fault?

Well... It had to be somebody's fault.

What... what are you doin'?

I don't know. I just feel bad for Eric.

He's worked for the parks department his whole life.

Now what's he gonna do?

D-d-don't feel bad for him,

'cause... 'cause I already got him a new job.

At the midtown park...

...ing garage.

And he's happy. He's so happy.

I mean, he's a junior valet.

And he works right under a big sign that says, "park...

Here."

What are you doin'?

Cait... Caitlin, don't put the blouse...

Caitlin, step away from the blouse

and get those breasts out where I can see them!

I'm sorry, Mike. I just kind of lost the mood.

We should just wait.

I-I-I can't... I can't wait.

I only have those doves till 10:00.

I want it to be perfect,

and tonight's just not the night.

Caitlin...

I'm sorry, Mike.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

How was your day?

Good morning.

Ha.

Hey, Mike, the foreman of the new project just called.

The construction workers walked off the site.

We had an agreement with them.

Apparently, there were additional issues.

So what you're saying is that they...

Promised they would do something...

And at the last minute, then just up and left.

Is there nothing more frustrating?

Maybe the construction workers

wanted the building to be perfect,

and they thought that starting work early

would ruin the foundation.

Well, the city understands that,

but is still... Very...

Eager...

To break ground.

The construction crew is not about to go to work

just because the city takes off its pants and begs them to.

This great Metropolis does not beg.

You know what?

I'm starting to think maybe this construction company

is just a little too emotional.

It doesn't really know wha it wants.

Spoken just like a city!

I know what that was really about.

We're not getting Memorial Day off, are we?

Mike...

That Wayne Sheridan guy is here again.

Aw, not him again. Damn!

Every time he comes here, it's the same thing.

It's questions, questions, questions.

What is wrong with that guy?

He's a reporter?

Nah, Stuart, he's not just a reporter,

he's my Nemesis.

I mean, he is my Lex Luthor, my darth vader,

my Matt Richter.

Huh?

Sixth grade.

Brutal wedgies.

Hey, hey, Flaherty.

That's a nice-lookin' fountain pen.

Must have been a bribe.

I know you can't afford it.

Wayne... What are you doin' here?

Shouldn't you be off investigating your mother

for some sort of scandal?

Like what?

Oh, I don't know. Having you.

Aw, hey, hey. Come on. Do you mind?

What's the matter? You seem a little defensive.

I got nothin' to hide.

You've been trying to pin something

on this administration for years.

When are you gonna realize that I'm like the road runner

and you're like a big, stupid reporter?

Yeah, well, this big, stupid reporter's next story

is gonna focus on the mayor's involvement in organized crime.

You're dreaming.

You know, there's a couple of things

I haven't done in my life...

take down a mayor, win a pulitzer.

Pleasure a woman.

It would be kind of nice

to take care of both of those things in one story.

Mayor connected to mobster.

The only mob story you could do on this administration

is a positive one.

We got them out of fulton fish market.

We got them out of the javid center.

We've even been thinking

of making them film "the sopranos" somewhere else.

Does the name Tony DeMarco mean anything to you?

No.

Good, 'cause the feds have been tryin' to nail that guy

for racketeering charges for years.

But that wouldn't concern you, would it?

'Cause you've never heard of him.

You know, I-I-I'll be right back.

Here... look at these secret files.

Nikki [CLEARS THROAT]

Where is your boyfriend, Tony, right now?

At work.

I see, and that wouldn't involve

hanging outside a social club in a warm-up suit, would it?

What are you talking about?

Nikki, you're dating a mobster.

Not Tony. Everybody loves Tony.

Because everybody who doesn't... Is dead.

I am never gonna get married!

That's it. That's it.

We'll play the pity card.

I am not pitiful.

Well, I don't want to go wide with it.

We just have to make it clear that this is personal.

This is a desperate single woman's mad scramble

to land any man who'll have her.

Hey, Mike...

You should probably know...

A while back, I fixed a couple of parking tickets for Tony.

He also gave Carter and me a tip on a horse.

And I got his niece into private school,

put a loading zone in front of his buddy's laundromat,

and I got him diplomatic plates.

Paul.

He calls me "lady-killer."

All right.

Well, so far, I'm not hearing anything

that's gonna make the front page.

Oh, Mike, I made my decision.

We gave that waste contract to thunderbird sanitation.

Hey, Nik...

Let me see the back of that jacket that Tony gave you.

Okay, raise your hand if you ever helped Tony bury somebody.

So the mayor giving this mob guy the contract

is a big problem?

No, no.

The mayor buying beer for those cub scouts...

that was a big problem.

This... this... this is a catastrophe.

Look...

I can't sit here

and explain the entire political process to you.

Mike, are you angry at me

or are you angry at your penis?

Is that the only class you took at shrink school?

Uh, sir, we need to speak.

When you awarded that contract to thunderbird sanitation,

what criteria did you use?

Well, I used a nonbiased, blind comparison

of the cost benefits of the...

Mike, please. We're talking about garbage here.

I picked the one with the cool logo.

So, you... you didn't meet

with any of the company's executives?

Absolutely not.

I think we can keep you clear of this.

Clear of what?

Clear of nothing.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Sir, who are you with in this picture?

Oh, that's Nikki's boyfriend.

We went on a fishing trip together.

This is Tony DeMarco.

He's the president of thunderbird sanitation.

He's a known mobster.

I thought it was odd

when he said, "let's go whack some fish."

Hey, Caitlin.

Listen, Mike, I've been thinking.

About last night, I overreacted.

Don't worry about that. We got bigger problems.

Ooh. Is it political?

Wayne Sheridan...

he's got the mayor linked to organized crime.

What?

Nikki's boyfriend.

Is it real?

Yeah, it's real.

Can we bury it?

No, not with this reporter,

'cause he's got it in for the mayor.

So, we'll go after him.

He's clean. He's a pro. There's nothin' there.

What's the fix?

[SIGHS]

Oh. No, Mike.

Come on. These are your friends.

You think I don't know that?

What choice do I have?

I don't get it.

Look, doc...

It's politics 101.

If your guy's in trouble,

someone's gotta jump on the grenade.

What if no one jumps?

Well, then, someone's gotta get pushed.

I'd go with that Paul guy.

Look, I-I'm not here

to find out which one of my staff to sacrifice.

You just want me to tell you it's okay.

Yes! Please!

I got 15 minutes before the press conference.

If I tell you to do something questionable in your job,

then I'd be doing something questionable in my job.

I just want you to tell me it's okay.

Just say the words, "it's okay."

Not unless it's for the right reasons.

Doc...

I'm really angry at my penis.

It's okay.

Thank you, doc!

Oh, Mike?

Pay mallory on your way out.

This is it.

One of us is goin' down.

I'm really nervous.

James, don't be.

At one time or another, every great political figure

has been sacrificed for the greater good.

So you'd be okay if it were you?

Hell, no. I need my j-o-b.

I should be the one to go.

This whole thing is basically my fault.

Basically? Try "totally."

I'll take you down with me.

It's me.

I'm out.

And I just blew all that money on groceries.

[ALL SHOUTING QUESTIONS, CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]

Good afternoon.

I have a brief statement to make.

The allegations against the mayor are ridiculous.

If there has been

any wrongdoing in this administration,

there's only one person who's at fault.

And that person...

...is me.

[REPORTERS MURMURING]

I awarded Tony DeMarco that city contract.

I authorized all favors done for him.

So I, alone, am totally responsible.

I have no further comment at this time.

If you have any questions about regular city business,

Paul lassiter will be happy to answer them. Thank you.

[REPORTERS SHOUTING QUESTIONS]

Deputy mayor, Michael Flaherty, took the blame today

as allegations of ties to organized crie

threatened to take down

mayor Randall Winston's entire administration.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

This could spell the end of Flaherty's career...

I'm so proud of you.

Listen, it was, uh...

It was an easy choice.

This kind of thing would've buried any one of them.

What about you?

I know the system.

I'll... I'll survive this.

[SIGHS]

Is there anything I can do?

No, I'm okay.

Well, that's good.

You know, I heard that construction crew

was ready to go back to work.

Well, that's good, because, uh...

Because, you know, the city is really eager to, uh...

Well, you know...

Have sex with you.

CAITLIN: Uh!

[BOTH MOANING]

MIKE: Oh, I'm gonna kill that shrink!

- [MAN] Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog. - [UBU BARKS]