Original subtitles

Ok, Caitlin and I are off

to the campaign finance symposium in San Francisco.

Mike, when you're there,

will you pick me up an "I love New York" t-shirt?

You can get one of those at any corner in the city.

If you don't want to get me one, just say so.

Cheapskate.

Where's Carter?

He didn't have any luck getting the city to revoke

that chemical company's waste-disposal license,

so he's staging a hunger strike.

When did Carter get passionate enough about toxic waste

to go on a hunger strike?

When he tried on his bathing suit

for his trip to Barbados.

So, Mike, you and Caitlin are going away for the weekend?

Don't you think that's gonna be a little awkward?

Why? Just 'cause I tried to run over her fiancé with a bus?

Uh, yeah.

Caitlin has made it abundantly clear to me

that she's very interested.

She just has a few issues

with my morality, my ethics, my integrity.

Girl stuff.

[BREATHLESSLY] Mike, I'm ready.

For what, armageddon?

Caitlin, will you bring me back an "I love New York" t-shirt?

- Sure, James. - Thank you.

We're gonna miss our flight. Let's go.

Unh-unh, here.

I am nothing if not a gentleman.

Nyah!

They have wheels, Mike.

I'm sure they do.

Huhh!

Oooooh.

You want to have them just bring the car around?

Okay, this speech is very, very important.

I have to show the computer industry

how much I value and respect them.

In short, I have to kiss some serious geek ass.

All right, now, let's get started.

I wanted to open with, uh...

ah, darn light bulb.

Janelle!

Light bulb went out!

Oh, I'll call maintenance. I think Tony's on today.

Tony?

No, no, no. Never mind.

He always makes me feel like such a wimp.

You should've seen the look he gave me

the last time he came up to reload my stapler.

We don't need maintenance.

We are three strong, smart, able-bodied men.

We will change our own light bulb.

Guys, that's a 20-foot ceiling with a recess bulb.

Are you saying we can't do it?

I'm saying you're important public servants on a deadline,

and there are better ways for you to spend your time.

That sounds like a challenge.

Oh, God.

We will not allow pelico industries

to pollute our environment!

We must force them to meet with us

and negotiate!

Dude, that thing's a little loud.

Sorry.

I know you're cold! I know you're hungry!

Still pretty loud, man.

But let's remember why we're here!

You could probably just talk.

But I like the bullhorn.

Stuart...

What are you doing?

You can't show up at a hunger strike with food!

It's an insult to all these people who sacrificed their...

is that jelly?

Custard.

Ooh.

They need you at city hall

for the neighborhood-watch meeting.

I can't right now. I'm leading a protest.

I'll cover for you.

Yo lead a protest? Don't make me laugh.

Ha ha...

ha ha ha ha ha!

All right, people, let's go.

Time for another chant.

We... Will... Not be ignored anymore.

Come on!

We... Will... Not be ignored anymore.

ALL: [UNENTHUSED] We... Will... Not be ignored anymore.

We... Will...

whoa, whoa, whoa.

People, chant with your hearts.

It doesn't really flow.

Can we lose "anymore"?

Uh, no.

"Anymore" indicates repetitive behavior.

How about "won't" instead of "will not"?

Contractions are a crutch, my friend.

You suck at this.

You gotta make it catchy.

Let's go, mets!

ALL: Let's go, mets!

Let's go, mets!

Let's go, mets!

- Let's go, mets! - Bing!

- Let's go, mets! - Yeah!

- Let's go, mets! - Zing!

- Let's go, mets! - Whee!

[PAPER RIPPING]

Are you nervous?

No, I'm just making confetti.

You know, in case we make it.

Are you afraid of flying?

No, Mike, I'm not afraid of flying.

I'm afraid of crashing and dying.

That's funny, 'cause...

I was just thinking about that this morning.

Really?

Yeah.

I was thinking that

if this plane crashes on the way to San Francisco...

Do we get Miles for the full trip?

Funny, Mike.

Just a little plane-crash humor.

You know, lighten the mood.

So, you and me, San Francisco. A romantic getaway.

What'd you tell Trevor?

It's not a romantic getaway. It's a business trip.

That's all.

Did you say it like that? 'Cause I bought it.

When are you gonna accept

that Trevor and I are getting married?

Oh, I don't know, Caitlin.

Maybe when you stop making out with me.

I'm sorry about that. That was my fault.

It was a moment of weakness.

What are you saying?

Are you saying that there's no attraction?

Of course there is,

but I'm getting married.

What do you want to do, lock ourselves in a hotel room,

have sex for three days just for the hell of it?

Okay, that was a trick question.

Look, that's not what this is about.

I want to be with you. You want to be with me.

I don't.

How can you say that?

What about the hospital? What about the kissing?

We were all over each other.

I was confused.

Can I get you something to drink?

Oh. Um, can I get a champagne?

Uh... uh, maybe a bloody Mary.

You know what?

Maybe just plain water.

Watch out. She's confused.

Pucker up.

Hey, baby. What's your sign?

It says, "less dumping, more planting."

That's pretty good,

but I think it should rhyme.

How about "less dumping, more humping"?

[SIGHS]

Hey, you're just cranky 'cause you're hungry.

I got doughnuts!

Stuart, you are undermining the spirit of this rally.

Don't you understand that pelico industries is responsible

for the extinction of four species of woodpecker?

Ha ha ha. Woodpecker.

Stuart.

I'm sorry.

I just hope all this toxic waste doesn't hurt the titmouse.

Make way. Make way.

Clear the way. Cars comin' through.

I said, "make way."

Hey, don't push me.

I said, "clear the way," hippie.

Hold this.

Don't push me.

Oh, you're a tough guy now, huh?

I'm a civil servant!

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Let's go, mets!

Let's go, mets!

Let's go, mets!

Let's go, mets!

Paul, you and I hold the ladder.

James, you climb up and change the bulb.

Excellent.

All right.

Could somebody hand me the bulb?

I got it. I got it.

Waaah!

[CRASHING]

Ooh, that's fascinating.

That is riveting.

Fascinating, riveting stuff.

Okay, Mike, what?

Oh. Well...

well, if you must know, little miss curious,

it's a couples' compatibility test.

Mike, we're not a couple.

Question one...

"do you find your partner"... that would be me...

"a... not attractive, b... average,

or c... very attractive"?

Right. Better pencil in "d"...

"give me a bib. I'm drooling."

Mike, give it a rest.

We're not compatible.

We will never be compatible. We are not meant to be.

Caitlin, I think

that's for the in-flight magazine to decide.

Fine.

If you're not willing

to put the time into this relationship that it needs,

maybe we should just see other people.

Mike... I'm marrying other people.

The fight against industril giant pelico industries

was taken to a new level today.

What had been a lackluster hunger strie

was suddenly transformed

into an explosive display of civil disobedience

under the leadership of this man...

Here it comes, baby.

...Stuart bondek.

What?!

Get out of town!

Let's go, mets!

Let's go, mets!

ALL: Let's go, mets!

Let's go, mets!

Let's go, mets!

Bondek stepped in to save the cause

after former leader, Carter Heywood,

couldn't sustain a hunger strike

he insisted his supporters take part I.

I'm hypoglycemic!

I can't believe pelico wants to meet with you.

I've done my share of activism.

When they were gonna shut down

any strip joint within 10 blocks of a school,

who was out there trying to close the schools?

You're a regular Malcolm X... Xx.

There's a Rebecca Anthony from village voi on the phone.

I'll call her back. You're gonna be interviewed by the village voice?

I guess. Why are you getting so worked up?

I've been working for that all my life.

Imagine how you'd feel if I were interviewed by juggs.

That does it. I'm calling pelico industries.

To say what?

To say Stuart is a lying, attention-grabbing fraud,

and that I'm the real activist!

You could derail the whole negotiation.

I don't care. They should be negotiating with me.

Carter, what's more important...

the cause or personal recognition?

The cause.

And what would you rather do...

get thanks or help people?

Help people!

Well, with James out,

looks like we obviously don't have enough guys to do this.

Let me call maintenance.

Oh, no.

Now it's personal.

You know how Tony changes bulbs?

He's got this long, metal pole

with this rubber hand thing at the end.

Sounds like something Stuart might have.

I've got something like that right here.

It's a golf-ball grabber.

No.

No, I can't get it. The fingers are too big.

Take the rubber thingies off.

Perfect.

Oh, there you go.

You see, it's much skinnier with just the metal.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. It fits like a plug in a socket.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

Aahh! Get me out! Get me out!

If you want a shoulder to cry on, I'm right here.

I know how you are with sad movies.

Mike, it's "die hard 3."

I mean, sad if you're pro-terrorist.

Mike, your little ploys aren't gonna work,

so would you please stop?

You know, I...

I don't know what you're talking about.

Mike, 10 minutes ago,

you asked me to check if your tongue tasted funny.

Like you weren't leading me on

with that whole "what time is it" thing.

Let me be absolutely clear.

You and I will never get physical again.

[BELL DINGS]

All right. Now I'm getting mixed signals.

Please, Mike, I hate turbulence.

I'm really scared right now.

Okay, okay, okay. What can I do?

Just, um, just keep talking.

All right. Okay.

Listen, out... out of millions of flights,

not one plane has ever crashed because of turbulence.

Really?

No, no, no.

Because turbulence is caused by warm air,

which actually lifts the plane up.

So, you know, if you want to worry about something,

worry about floating up into space.

You're making this all up, aren't you?

No, no.

Check the facts.

Apollo 11 started out

as a delta flight out of Chicago.

Thank you, Mike. You're very sweet.

You're right.

It doe taste funny.

STUART: Carter, look... it's a rabbit.

Here comes another rabbit.

Stuart! This negotiation is very important.

Here's what I want you to say...

Carter, I am so sick of your superior attitude!

I told you, I'll handle it!

Good afternoon.

Afternoon.

What's the doughnut guy doing here?

I'm hypoglycemic!

All right, Mr. bondek, we're all reasonable men here.

And with the merger coming up,

we can't afford any more bad publicity.

So we're prepared to cut our waste output by 25%.

25%?

25% is reasonable?

So you're basically signing a death warrant

for 75% of the chubby Chucks?

Woodpeckers.

Whatever.

How about... I take 25% of your briefcase?!

Or 25% of your muffin?!

Or how about I take 25% of your tie?!

How am I doing?

I like the tie thing.

It just came to me.

- Mr. bondek... - That's Mr. bondek to you.

Okay, Mr. bondek.

How about 40%?

- 50%. - Okay, 50%.

You took too long. 60%!

Fine. 60%.

70%. 80%.

Deal!

Let's go, Carter.

Boy.

And we'll take these, too.

Mmm.

[BELL DINGS]

[SIGHS] Thank God that's over.

I'll admit that kissing you

isn't the best way to tell you I'm not interested,

but the fact remains... I'm engaged.

Yeah, well, you're not very good at it.

[SIGHS]

I... I was scared. I lost my head.

I get it.

So whenever you're scared,

you just make out with the guy nearest to you.

You're gonna make some mugger very happy.

I don't expect you to understand.

I'm not even sure I do.

Maybe it was the turbulence. I don't know.

I can't talk about this right now.

Hey...

Here's a finski.

Go find me some choppy air.

Hey.

Hey.

Why are you so depressed? You won.

No, you won.

What difference does that make?

The important thing is we saved a hummer bird.

Woodpecker!

You don't even care,

and you're still better at this than me.

No, I'm not.

You said it yourself. I got lucky.

Come on! Carter!

Who forced the cafeteria to serve dolphin-safe tuna?

I did.

That's right.

And who made landlords remove lead paint

from low-income housing all over the city?

I did. [SIGHS]

That's right.

And who was that blond guy in my bathrobe this morning?

Jeff.

So who's the real activist here?

Come on.

It's not me.

It's not Jeff.

So...

Who is the activist?

Who is the activist?

Who is the activist?

I am.

Come on, you can't hide in there the whole flight.

Open up.

Sir...

There's another bathroom at the back.

Oh, yeah. I'd never make it.

Hey, you're the one who gave me the whole can.

What is it?

I need to talk to you.

Mike, as romantic a setting as this is,

I told you, I'm not interested.

This isn't about sex.

Good. How do people even do that in here?

It's easy.

You put one hand on the sink, one hand on the wall,

foot up on the toilet.

I mean, probably.

Look, you're making a huge mistake.

Mike...

there's obviously chemistry between us.

You can't just ignore that and marry someone else.

I have given this a lot of thought.

We're attracted to each other,

but that doesn't mean we're compatible.

How can you say that?

We work well together. We can laugh together.

We finish each other's sentences.

No, we... don't.

Ha!

Mike, that's not really the...

point.

See? That's two.

You're really starting to...

turn you on?

No?

Damn.

Mike, we are not right for each other.

Work will always come first.

I'm not interested in competing with the mayor of New York

for your attention.

You won't have to. I-I'll change.

We both know that's not true.

All right. Okay.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Look me in the eye and tell me,

in your heart,

this is really the way you want it to be.

It is.

Okay, fine.

I mean, if that's really the way you feel,

I'll... I'll back off.

Thanks, Mike.

You know, you're a lot more mature

than I give you credit for.

Um, after you.

Well, gentlemen, we got it done.

Well, sometimes you just have to call in your favors.

Thank you, Patrick.

No problem, Mr. mayor.

PAUL: You know...

I used to play hoops in high school.

Really? We should hang out.

You mean it?

Nah.

- [MAN] Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog. - [UBU BARKS]