Original subtitles

"Tenderloin with lobster Risotto"?

Rags loves his surf and turf.

Just look at him light up!

Carter, this stuff is $15 a can!

$15 a can?!

For dog food?!

Gee, I could buy Claudia a dress with that!

Well, rags is worth every penny.

Now, if you'll excuse me, we're gonna go take a walk

so he can generate some saliva.

15 bucks a can.

What could possibly be worth 15 bucks a can?

Wow.

You can actually see little bits of lobster.

Might want to crack an egg in there.

Makes your coat nice and shiny.

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS]

Sir, you need to see this new commercial

from the Michael lauman campaign.

I gotta warn you... you're not gonna like it,

at least not as much as "the real world uncensored."

The alcoholic girl takes her shirt off.

[CROWD CHEER]

MAN: Is this really who you want representing you in Washington?

Paid for by the Michael laumn for senate campaign.

Of course, they use the cotton candy.

What about the hot dog, the nachos?

I ate those so well, people cheered!

They're gonna run the spot,

so we gotta come up with a response.

Mike, this is my job, and I will take care of it.

I say we hit back hard and below the belt where it counts.

Again and again and again!

Don't you agree?

I'm certainly not gonna disagree.

He really crossed a line with this ad,

and we have to respond with something equally provocative.

Here's an ad age article

on the top 10 commercial directors.

Wait a minute, why are the top two on the list crossed off?

Oh, well, trust me. You can't get those guys.

Ah ha. I can get anyone.

Well, that guy's dead.

Okay, he could be tough.

Well, what about this guy, this Trevor wolf?

Oh, no, no, not him. We don't want him.

Why not?

Well, he's not right.

He's... Way out of our league.

Caitlin, you still don't understand

how much power I wield in this town.

I want to get somethin' done, it gets done,

no questions asked.

Janelle, get me Trevor wolf's agent on the phone.

Not now.

I don't know.

Can't you just call back?

She's on a pay phone.

Put her on hold.

I could.

Not going to.

Okay, thanks. Sorry, janelle.

She's all over it.

Hey, Nikki, listen... do I have something on my cheek?

I'm feeling some irritation, some itchiness.

Oh, yeah, it looks like some kind of allergic reaction.

Did you eat anything out of the ordinary this morning?

No.

Oh, wait, wait. Does dog food count?

Paul!

Oh, God.

Oh, God, is it getting worse?

Oh, no, but your breath is!

Jeez, chew a milk-bone or something, will you?

Oh, God, I can't have a rash.

I'm going on "the view" tomorrow

to talk about the campaign commercials.

This is a glamour business!

This face puts food on my table!

And then, it sucks it right back up!

Sorry I'm late.

What happened?

The ladder fell and you couldn't get out of the bunk bed?

No, no, no, I have a slide now.

I couldn't wake up.

I was having this incredibly vivid dream

I was an astronaut blasting off into space.

You ever have a dream like that?

No.

I don't have gay dreams.

It wasn't a gay dream. It was a space dream.

James, think about it.

You got into a rocket filled with buff guys,

and you went to the moon so you could have hot man sex

without your parents finding out.

Wait a minute, Stuart, I'm not gay.

Fine, why don't we do a little psychological test?

I say a word and you say the first word that comes to mind.

Okay.

Super. Man.

Spider. Man.

Aqua. Man.

Mike, why are you going through all this trouble?

Because Caitlin said I couldn't get this guy

to do her commercial.

You're always showing off.

Like when you made fun of her yoga,

and she said, "you can't get your legs behind your head."

I did it, didn't I?

Yes, and the paramedics were very impressed.

Carter, let me explain something to you, okay?

Right now, to Caitlin,

I am just another handsome, successful guy

who can put his legs behind his head.

But if I get this Trevor to do our commercial,

well, then, hey, I'm the man.

Good luck dealing with him.

He's supposed to be a huge egomaniac.

I can handle egomaniacs. All you have to do is flatter them.

That is so smart. Brilliant, actually.

See, you get me.

[BRITISH ACCENT] I'm looking for a Mike Flaherty.

Hey, I'm a Mike Flaherty.

How are you? You must be Trevor.

This is Carter Heywood.

Oh, thank you.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Bloody hate this town. It's a poor man's London.

Well, you know, Trevor, uh...

Sometimes I bloody hate this town, too.

You know what I bloody loved?

Your Ty-d-bol commercial.

Oh, I was a whore to do that ad.

No, my real passion's my movies.

Really? I haven't seen any of those.

Ah, it's because they're all in my head.

Really, you know,

a lot of directors now are putting their movies on film.

My movies are too insane for film!

You know what my problem is?

Uh, crazy movies in your head?

No, I'm a genius, which means people rarely understand me.

Oh, I'm sure.

But I must say, for such a brilliant man,

you really know how to put people at ease.

You know what? You get me.

James, you left a message on my voice mail,

something about being gay?

Oh, false alarm. I had one gay space dream.

But last night, nothing.

So, you know... straight.

I'm here if you wanna talk because, you know... gay.

You're a good friend, Carter.

Aw, yeah!

Whoa!

Something the matter?

I had a dream where I kissed Carter.

I'm starting to worry.

You shou be worried.

Worried about making me jealous.

Okay, two dreams doesn't mean I'm gay.

That's what you think, sugar lips.

I'm gay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy with that stuff.

I can't believe I let you talk me into this.

Technically, you begged me.

I asked you if there was any skin-colored cream

or powder to disguise facial blemishes.

You're the one who took it to makeup.

There, pretty as a...

Done.

Oh, I can't wear makeup.

Better wash this off.

Hey, Paul, you look great.

Did you lose some weight?

Yes.

Yes, I did.

Five minutes, my office... bring the blush.

You just sign here...

Trevor wolf, the ungettable director...

[CHUCKLES]

...and I will sign here...

Mike Flaherty, the guy who got him.

Get Caitlin, the woman who's gonna be incredibly impressed.

Caitlin Moore's our campaign manager.

Caitlin Moore is running this campaign?

Yeah, you know her?

I should say so.

We were married.

You... you were married?

Hitched!

Yes, we had a whole ball and chain.

We were knocking boots.

It was all legal, baby.

Caitie!

Trevor!

[LAUGHS]

Can you hold this?

I'm just gonna put my legs behind my head.

Can't wait to get started.

Oh, this is unbelievable.

I am so excited about this.

Oh, you're great.

No, you're great.

You idiot!

What?!

How could you hire my ex-husband?!

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot to ask that standard question...

"have you ever been married to our campaign manager?"

I'm hiring a new custodian this afternoon.

You got anything you wanna get off your chest?

What are you so upset about?

How could you not tell me that you were married?

Since when are we sharing our personal lives?

I tell you everything about my personal life!

Mike, you don't have a personal life.

Hey, I went out last Friday.

With Carter.

And his mom.

How can you be married to this guy?

I mean, he is such a...

he's a... he is a... he's a...

he's a tool.

I was young.

I was working in London, and he swept me off my feet.

Oh, this is gonna be so awkward for me!

Tell you what... I'm just gonna fire him.

No, no, no, no. You can't do that.

I'll be fine.

I'll keep things professional this time.

What do you mean, "this time"?

Well, the last time we saw each other,

we kind of... you know.

Eww!

Oh, where'd you get that stuff?

Macy's.

How can I bring out my eyes more?

Well, women use eyeliner for that.

Cough it up.

I said, "women use eyeliner for that."

You can't believe the compliments I'm getting.

When I'm on "the view" today,

I'm gonna have those women eating out of my...

Dog dish?

Hey, Paul, did you hear?

I'm gay.

Am I the only real man left in this office?

James? What's with the shirt?

Oh, haven't you heard?

I'm out! Queer and here, fella!

Two dreams, I'm as gay as they get.

No, you're not.

Oh, yeah? Then why did I shave my chest this morning?

I don't know.

James... This is Robert from accounting.

I thought you two might...

...hit it off.

Robert from accounting, I hope you play for our team,

because the field has just been mowed.

Do you hate New York?

Drugs dealers put me in Washington.

Cut!!

Where the pause lands is quite critical.

It's, "do you hate New York drug dealers?

Put in Washington."

That's good, too.

Carter. Mike.

Caitlin.

You look... Beautiful, elegant.

Why?

What are you talking about?

Well, look at you.

The dress, the shoes, your...

your hair is up. You nev wear your hair up.

I do!

You always wear it straight.

Sometimes you pull it back

with the little red scrunchie thing,

a-and last Wednesday...

I have a phenomenal memory for hair.

Carter?

Bald.

Mike, I know what you're thinking,

and I did not do this for Trevor.

Caitlin, I love it when you wear your hair up.

Live and learn.

I thought you and I might grab a bite later

if there's an opening in your "shedule."

"Shedule."

Schedule.

You could show me what new yorkers do for "lesure."

Leisure.

It's a hard "e" this side of the pond, Ringo.

Michael...

It might interest you to know

that we invented the language.

Although, to be fair, you did give us pac-man.

And we can take that back, pal!

I'm probably crazy,

but do you think there's a chance

she's fallin' for him again?

I don't know.

Think there's a chance I'm black?

I'm serious.

I'm picking up kind of a vibe here.

Yeah, it's called "raw animal lust."

Remember when I said that somewhere out there

is a guy just for you?

That's the kind of bull I'm lookin' for right now!

How'd your date with Robert go?

I'm not gay.

Hey, uh, trev...

What do you think of this commercial we're making?

It's a bit of a "how-do-you-do."

Exactly! It should be more of a...

a "what's all that, then?"

Exactly.

You know what?

I'm not gonna handcuff you anymore.

You know those insane movies you have in your head?

Let's see some of that in the commercial.

Carte blanche?

Yes. Go nuts. Make art.

If I understand it, well, then, hey, you failed.

Mike, I think I've misjudged you.

Do you think the mayor will do full frontal nudity?

Couldn't hurt to ask.

Welcome back. We are talking with Paul lassiter,

press secretary to the mayor of New York.

Paul, thanks for coming.

Thank you for having me.

And may I say that from where I sit...

The view is just fine.

[LAUGHTER]

Have you seen these cotton-candy commercials

Michael lauman is running?

What'll the mayor do about that?

The mayor and I feel

that we're not gonna reduce this campaign

to petty mudslinging.

What we want to do is deal with the important issues...

how do you get your eyelashes so full?

Just the way I was born.

Gotcha. We'll talk later.

I think that the mayor ought to strike back

at this lauman character.

To do nothing makes him look wimpy.

And I think someone is wearing a little too much Rouge.

What?!

We'll talk later.

You seem preoccupied with makeup.

[LAUGHS] That's ridiculous!

[LAUGHING]

Are you wearin'... he's wearin' eyeliner!

And you have mascara on!

No, no, no! No, I'm not!

All right, I am! I'm wearing makeup!

Lots of it! Why shouldn't I?!

Is it so wrong for a man

to want to accent his cheekbones,

maybe hide some laugh lines,

and, yes... look sexy?

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you! Thank you!

Why should makeup only be for women?!

Right! Right!

Why should dog food only be for dogs?!

Okay, we'll be back

with some home makeover tips right after this.

Can I stay? No.

[CLEARS THROAT]

The following is Trevor wolf's first...

and, I certainly hope, not only...

campaign commercial for the mayor's senate run.

Oh, I should say

Trevor had complete creative control on this,

so what you're about to see is a window

into his talented, talented mind.

[INDUSTRIAL MUSIC PLAYS]

MAN: Washington.

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hu!

Hut! Hut! Hu!

[MEOWS]

[WOMAN LAUGH]

Cat got your tongue?

Well, it looks like the cat has all our tongues.

Two paws up.

Good job, Trevor! Loved it.

Fire him.

Trevor, uh, this is the part of the job

that's really tough.

Well, for you. You're fired.

Fired?

Yeah, fired. I'm, uh... Sacking you.

Well... Your tea is weak!

You deliberately set him up

just so you could get rid of him!

Hey, all I do is give them enough rope.

He tied a clown to it.

How you doin'?

Oh, great.

So, um... You wanna talk about this whole Caitlin thing?

Wouldn't that... Be kind of weird?

It's okay, Mike. We're over.

I've slept with, like, 20 guys since we broke up.

I'm kidding.

[LAUGHS]

That's really...

by how much are you kidding?

It's so obvious you have a thing for Caitlin.

You know me better than anyone else.

I just don't know what to do.

[SIGHS]

You know, Mike?

Part of the reason that you and I didn't work out

is because you're always protecting yourself.

We knew each other for three years

before you even kissed me.

Just waiting for the perfect moment.

No such thing.

If you want the perfect moment,

you got to create it.

I just wouldn't wait that long with Caitlin.

Thanks, Nik.

I'll give her another year.

Hey, Stuart.

I think I figured out why you played that trick on James.

Because I'm a heartless bastard

who revels in the misery of innocence?

Maybe you're suppressing certain gay urges within yourself?

Oh, Carter, shut up.

And kiss me.

MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Barking)