Original subtitles

The mayor's driving his car in,

so you gotta move that heap of yours

out of his parking spot.

That's Paul's car? I thought it was abandoned.

I will have you know that that car is a classic.

It's a Cadillac.

It's a beat-up oldsmobile.

If the hood ornament says "Cadillac,"

it's a Cadillac.

And if that dentist

doesn't stop parking near my house,

it's gonna be a Mercedes soon.

How long have you had that thing?

Since high school.

I'll tell you... over the years,

that back seat's been pretty lucky for me.

Find lots of loose change?

Yep, scored my first chick back there.

She's the one who gave me the fuzzy dice.

A week of antibiotics will clear that right up.

What car does the mayor drive?

Morning, people.

It's a convertible.

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS]

A new photographer will be here today

to take photos for the staff I.D.S.

The last photographer quit after taking Stuart's photo.

I believe there was an overexposure issue.

Why would you do that? It's from the neck up.

Yeah, but I know.

[LAUGHS]

It's gonna be hard to schedule time with me today.

It's my 5-year anniversary with the mayor,

and he'll want to do something special.

Uh-oh. I smell a picnic.

All right. Have a good day.

James, listen... good news.

Caitlin's plate is way too full.

So... and I don't want you to get too emotional...

but you're back to writing the mayor's speeches.

I love you, man.

Oh, all right.

You're... you're a rock, James.

I can't tell you

how much I've missed being a speech writer...

crafting the perfect phrases, expressing myself through words.

It makes me feel so... Goodly.

Well, that's just fantastical.

And I need you to find me a new assistant.

You know, my brother Timmy's still available.

He could be out in a week if the hitchhiking's good.

Uh, James, I really don't...

last time there was an opening, you rejected him, too.

I loved his résumé.

I just didn't think he was qualified

to be police commissioner.

He's very capable, Mike.

I mean, the thresher accident wasn't that bad.

He's only blind in one eye.

I-I just... I just feel

that if I'm gonna have someone typing my letters,

they should have real hands.

You know, Mike, this is a very special day.

Yes, sir.

I bought a small gift to mark the occasion.

Oh, excellent. I have one, as well.

It's Caitlin's 3-month anniversary with us.

That's so thoughtful.

A pe thank you.

Happy anniversary, Caitlin.

Ooh, it's so heavy. What is it?

It's a very expensive humidor.

Oh, darn. I would have loved that.

Well, why don't you take it?

Consider it my gift to you.

You don't mind, do you, Mike?

No.

Well, thank you, Caitlin.

Sir?

Would you excuse me?

What are you doing?

Moving the mayor's car back into his spot.

See you in about an hour.

Why is that gonna take an hour?

You can only get into the parking lot on chamber street,

which means I have to go around the building,

up the West Side highway,

stop at tower records, get the eagles' greatest hits,

cross the bridge, straight up the palisades,

stop at the girls' dorm in Columbia,

down the highway, into the spot.

What are you, from out of town?

You're stealing the mayor's car?

It's a '66 mustang.

For you, it would be like

if the mayor brought in a really cool hairbrush.

Want to come with me?

I don't think so, Mike.

Oh, of course not, because...

You're little miss perfect.

And if you got caught,

you wouldn't be little miss perfect anymore.

I am not...

yes, you are. Perfect...

Just because I like things done the proper way...

give me the damn keys!

This is exactly how I lost my virginity.

[CARTER WHISTLING]

Look at this picture.

Somehow, the photographer managed

to make one of my eyes bigger than the other

and my ears lopsided.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I never noticed that.

It's not me. It's the picture.

And he won't let me take another one.

Wait a minute. You asked for another picture?

You're so vain.

I am not.

Oh, come on. You named your own cat Nikki.

Well, what else would you name

the prettiest kitty in the world?

You mean the one with the lopsided ears?

Why are you sitting there?

I'm back on speech writing.

I called personnel... hired a new assistant for Mike.

Whoa. You know, Mike's a busy guy

with a really complicated schedule.

I hope you hired someone with a huge rack.

Reporting for duty, James.

Hello, stuie.

You hired my girlfriend?

No, I volunteered.

There was this one girl in front of me,

but she accidentally broke her fingers in my file cabinet.

Ah, there you are, sir.

I brought the convertible in this morning.

You know, I still can't drive that car

without thinking of you.

Sir, we broke up almost a year ago.

Remember the night we took that romantic drive

up into Vermont?

You hit a moose, sir.

Those were special times.

What are you doing tonight?

Sir, please...

All right, but if you change your mind,

I'll let you drive.

And you know I never let anyone drive that car but me.

♪ I like to dream

♪ yes, yes

♪ right between the sound machine ♪

♪ On a cloud of sound, I drift in the night ♪

♪ Any place it goes is right ♪

♪ Goes far, flies near

♪ to the stars away from here

♪ well, you don't know what we can find ♪

♪ Why don't you come with me, little girl ♪

♪ On a magic carpet ride?

♪ Well, you don't know what we can see... ♪

You kind of got a Billy idol thing going on there.

How about me?

No, you're good.

Say it, Mike.

All right. Fine.

You're not little miss perfect.

That's right.

I'm exciting, I'm dangerous, I'm crazy.

We're gone for 45 minutes,

and Paul's car is back in the mayor's spot.

That's a car?!

You know, people say the spirit of the desert lives in me.

I thought that should be reflected

in my city-hall I.D.

[FLUTE MUSIC PLAYS]

Oh, my God.

Well, look who's the vain one now.

It's not about vanity. It's about finding my essence.

True photography peers into the soul of...

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

No, that's not my essence.

Next.

No next. I will not leave until...

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

Next.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Mike Flaherty's office.

What am I wearing?

Well, a very tight, low-cut sweater.

How about you?

Gray... Wool.

Mmm.

Sounds flammable.

You'd better not get me too hot.

[BLOWS]

What are you guys doing?

Oh, yeah!

[GLASS BREAKS]

Paul...

Paul, you put your car back in the mayor's spot.

Move it.

I'm kind of busy here.

Fine. Give me the keys. I'll move it.

All right.

But if any part falls off, you're responsible.

Oh, and it doesn't handle well on pavement.

Hurry up. The mayor's car is in councilman mctierney's spot.

Towaway mctierney?!

Sir, I wanted to talk to you about janelle.

She seems to think

you're trying to rekindle your relationship.

I want her, Mike. I want her bad.

Okay, we seem to have pinpointed the source.

I'm going to get janelle another job here,

and I'll find you a new secretary.

I don't need another secretary. I can handle it myself.

You seem testy.

Is there something else going on?

Oh, no! No, there's nothing going on.

There's nothing special about today.

We're not celebrating anything.

No, I'm fine. Hey, I am Jim dandy.

Actually, sir, there is something.

We've been together a long time and...

Mike...

They're towing the mayor's car.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

I want you. I want you bad.

CAITLIN: Wait! Please stop! Please! Wait!

Wait!

She's fast, but she's never gonna catch it.

I knew I shouldn't have gone on that ride.

Things always backfire on me.

Will you just calm down?

Hi. Listen...

a huge mistake was made...

you guys accidentally towed the mayor's car.

License plate?

Fine, make me say it... "I.M. Mayor."

You're gonna have to pay the back parking tickets.

Oh, I'll get this. No, that's all right.

You, uh... you got the cab on the way down.

How much is it?

$16,044.

Why don't you get this one?

Mike!

Uh, look, um... I don't want to pull rank here, but...

sweetie, you can pull anything you want.

Unless it's a credit card or a gun,

you ain't gettin' that car.

So you want me to call the mayor and tell him

that you, Ethel finney, will not release his car?

Ethel, I'm not gonna let you throw all this away.

You know what I think?

No, what do you think?!

I think you took the mayor's car without asking, got it towed,

and now you're trying to save your ass!

You're lucky you're in this booth.

Okay, I assumed you were standing on something.

Mike, I've gotta tell you,

I'm doing absolutely fine without a secretary.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello, mayor Winston's office.

Uh-huh. May I tell me who's calling?

Oh, no, I'm sorry. I'm not here.

Sir, uh, Caitlin and I were thinking...

with you running for senate and all,

this may be a good time to... I don't know... pay old debts,

clear those skeletons out of the closet.

Skeletons...

I knew this would catch up to me eventually.

You know the only reason I got into Yale?

My father paid off the admissions people

to the tune of 9 g's a year.

That's called "tuition," sir.

Actually, sir, we were thinking

more along the lines of unpaid parking tickets.

[LAUGHS] Heck, I've got tons of those!

Yeah, and late fees, too.

But they're not really a problem...

As long as you don't get towed.

[GRUNTS]

Perfect!

Now... Paul's car is in mctierney's spot,

so it'll get towed to the impound lot.

Once it's there, we switch Paul's plates with the mayor's.

Then tomorrow morning, Stuart goes down there,

gives them Paul's plate number, they release the mayor's car.

Simple.

That's simple?

Oh, you should hear the complicated version.

It involves ninjas and the vice president.

I'm sure they lock the tow yard up at night.

How are we gonna get in there to switch the plates?

I can't believe I'm in Paul's trunk!

You just complain about every little thing, don't you?

Just stay over there on your side,

and I'll stay on mine.

[BEEPING]

There's the tow truck.

[MOTOR HUMMING]

Oop! Aah!

See?

This isn't so bad.

Stuart...

Mike told me to fire Deirdre.

And, uh, I have to admit... I'm a little afraid.

James, the thing you have to understand about Deirdre is,

under her rough and vicious exterior...

she's a sweet and vulnerable woman?

No, she's the scariest bitch you've ever seen.

What are you saying?

If I fire her, she'll hurt me?

Hurt... Maim, gut...

depends on her mood.

My advice is, just roll over and play dead.

Like most wild animals, she'll sniff around a little,

but she probably won't attack.

Hi, James.

D-Deirdre.

Uh... I-I've never... never done this before,

and it's, uh, particularly difficult

with you being Stuart's girlfriend and all,

but, uh...

Uh, why don't we step into Mike's office?

What the hell... I got 10 minutes.

Deirdre...

He doesn't want to have sex with you.

He wants to fire you.

Uh, yeah. Uh, Deirdre, you're fired.

What kind of conditioner do you use?

'Cause you have, like, no split ends.

[THUD]

It figures you're enjoying this.

I'm not enjoying this.

Yes, you are. I can feel it.

Oh, that's a tire iron.

Give it whatever sick nickname you want!

Just get it off me!

[GRUNTS]

It's a tire iron.

Then what's that?

Okay, I'm enjoying it a little bit.

[POUNDING]

Air! Air! Air!

Don't be so dramatic!

It's like you've never almost suffocated before.

Let's get these plates changed.

[SIGHS]

Oh, it's 10:00!

I'm meant to have drinks with Randall and senator ames!

Oh, "little miss perfect" miss her date with the big shots?

Would you stop it with that "little miss perfect" stuff?!

Every time I bring up Randall's name...

wait a minute... I get it...

you're jealous.

Don't be ridiculous.

Aww, does Mikey miss the mayor's love?

Does he feel like he's been replaced?

I am not jealous.

You are. All this time, you've had the mayor to yourself,

and now you have to share him.

I don't care. All right?

I...Don't... Care.

Mike, I think it would be better

for you to express your feelings.

Used to be "little miss perfect"!

Stuart!

So, how'd it go?

Did you get the mayor's car?

Yeah. No problem.

I just... Gave 'em Paul's license-plate number,

and... They brought the car right out.

They crushed it an hour before I got there.

Paul!!

Yeah, Mike?

Did you not tell me yesterday

that there were no citations on your car?

Uh-huh. There are no traffic citations.

There's, like, a ton of environmenta violations.

Uh, environmental violations?

Uh-huh.

Apparently, the dmv has issued a crush-on-sight order.

If they ever catch me, it'll probably look like this.

Mike, uh, I wanted to...

hey... What's that?

I'm... Not gonna lie to you, sir.

I think it's pretty obvious what this is.

It's a coffee table.

Is it that obvious?

Mike, did you realize that this was our anniversary?

Uh, no. No, sir, I-I-I had no idea.

Working with you this past five years

has meant more to me than...

[VOICE BREAKING] Well, more than I could ever say.

So here.

Y-y-you're giving me your... your car?

Sir?

I should tell you,

it's not in totally mint condition, though.

There's this... Small scratch on the right-rear Fender.

Uh...

T-thank you, sir.

I didn't get... You anything.

That's okay.

You couldn't have topped Caitlin's humidor.

I hate to say it, Mike,

but I told you not to take the mayor's car.

Oh, will you give it a rest?!

[SIGHS]

[HORN HONKS, CAR ALARM WAILS]

[ALARM DEACTIVATES]

Let me know when my eyes are the same size.

Ha!

I knew you were more vain than me.

Mr. Heywood, I got your note.

And for $50, I'd be happy to reshoot your portrait.

Ha! And I'm the vain one!

Well, you are the one with the blue contact lenses.

Look at you... shaving your head,

as if it weren't bald already.

Well, I don't recall you having a tan yesterday.

What'd you do, go to Puerto Rico for lunch?

At least I didn't wear a girdle to the Christmas party,

Mr. tummy Tucker!

Oh, please!

I have never worn a girdle!

Really?

MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

(BARKING)